Thoughts on today.

There is not a sadness that cannot be cured by breakfast food. or the gilmore girls.

I would really just like to school to start. I need christmas break to be over.


Also, i would just like to say that i didn't used to be crazy.

The way we were...

Some things happened today that made me have all the feelings. All of them.  I always get so weirded out by my ability to to be both happy and sad at the same time.  

Well, maybe not sad but joy juxtaposed with like an ache. 

Hold on to....something... because this is gonna be a whole thing.....

I had dinner with my old best friend. You know the one, and while i'm happy to say that we've gotten to a place where we can totally have dinner and good, normal conversation, it's still a tender spot. 

Because there are still some things i miss, and i wish i didn't. Life would be so much easier if i weren't always comparing the then and now. 

So. much. easier. 

It's a weird feeling to sit on the other side of the table from someone who used to know you so well, and look at them and have no idea what's actually going on in their lives. So weird. It still makes me have to catch my breath. 

Also, when you're asking about house, and grad school, and  wedding plans. It seems one of us got our shit together. Also. I'm asking about wedding plans that, in theory, in a world where things have gone differently, I would be helping plan. 

I would be writing a speech, and crying about dress options and isn't so great that life is working out. 

Instead, outside looking in. 

It's the way it's supposed to be, honestly. I don't miss my college tribe like i thought i would. Like i hoped i would. I secretly hoped that deep down there would be this urge, in all of us, to keep us together. That the winds of change would not blow us around, but that's just not truth. 

We're all doing our own thing, except sometimes, they all do things together.  

For a hot minute i think about what i walked away from. The people i chose over the others, and what has it gotten me? Well, turns out not much because I don't talk about to anyone now. But it's also gotten me a lot, too...because well...A-Team.

Do you see? ALL THE FEELINGS.  My heart is so confused about what to feel. Honestly, Im happy for all my (former?) friends. They all deserve happiness in copious amounts. 

I think the really sad thing is that, I miss the potential of what we could be, more than i miss the reality of who we were. 

Does that make me a terrible person? I AM A VERBAL PROCESSOR WITH NO ONE TO PROCESS WITH. 

Because....former best friend.  Also...she was wearing one of my old mittens and one of her old mittens she does it on purpose. What am i supposed to do with that. 

Also....do they miss me? They never say if they do. So i assume no, and then i feel sad about that. 

feels. all of them. 

Second thing: 

Another old friend (listen, it was a time these last two years, i'll tell you) who has the ability to make me the most insecure human on the planet has surfaced again. And actually it's been not that big of a deal because our circles don't really over lap anymore....until they do.... and then my heart takes over and completely silences the rational parts of my brain. 

I convince myself I need to go into self preservation mode...so...my walls go all the way up to the sky and I just assume that everyone i love is going to like her better....because she's smarter, more endearing, loves jesus more, is funnier.....any and all of it.... I have no cards to play when she is the room. there just isn't room for the two of us in the same room. 

And it's  hard to compete with...because when it comes to life and friends and people....i don't like to compete...but i feel like i have to...because self preservation. 

Well...anyway...out of the blue she asked when we could see each other. 

*internal alarm* I want to feel included so i want to see her kind of? But i also don't because its makes a mess out of my when i do. I don't like feeling insecure. I don't like not being able to have real conversations, or be able to trust the person you're talking to.  

Over all though, i'd say i'm doing an okay job of coexisting. I do, at my core, wish the best for her....because i'm not a total asshole...i just tread lightly after i've stepped on land mines. 

Also, fuck friend skipping. that's not a thing. Also...why do relationships have to be so complicated. 

Also i feel real guilty about whatever the eff happened there and it wasn't even my fault. I feel like i need to concede and things can go back to normal....moral of the story is that apparently, you shouldn't go to bat for me because it causes issues, and then you feel bad about that. 

It must be nice to never have to worry about being replaced...even when you don't know what place you hold. It must be nice when people put effort into their relationship with you. 

I used to be someone best girl. I used to be the first phone call, and the surprise adventure partner. I used to be part of the stories, and i just miss that, you know? The security that comes with that. 

I pretty sure, thought, that's not how we are supposed to live....we're not supposed to have bests. 

 i'm almost to the point when i can remember, in both instances, the way we were, without having to catch my breath. It almost doesn't hurt to remember what life was like before it fell apart. I can smile about memories without following it with....but then everything changed. 

Change has been good in a lot of ways. It was three years ago this week that the A-team became a thing...and I'm silently celebrating and saying quite prayers of gratitude because no one likes to celebrate anniversaries like i do. But i like to commemorate things that changed my life. 

Also, i haven't been sleeping well...and i couldn't tell you why. But here we are at 1:00am again and i'm wide awake.  dumb. 

I saw my college girls tonight. I love them. so much. They are the best thing that came out of my last job. 

i'm just rambling. I know.  verbal processor. but, i'm actually so, genuinely happy right now. I love my job, christmas was great, i love my family times a billion...but these things...that make me feel a lot of things....i need to dismantle them sometimes, and take time to feel them and understand them. 

Thankfully my fancy healthy insurance.,....(read:just regular but it's been some times since I've had it) covers therapy.  Maybe it's time.

And we'll live and laugh, in the time that we have....

 A lot of people don't like the final week of the year. It's nestled between the quiet, simplicity of christmas and the sparkly potential of the new years.  I get that everything is a bit confused, and we all eat the wrong things.

But it's actually my favorite.  I feel like time stops just long enough to actually enjoy what life is offering us.

In this last week, we get the opportunity to look at how far we've come, to remember all the sweet, quite moments that have marked us. Of course there is the hard stuff, but we get to look at that, too, from the other side. We get to learn from it and be real thankful that it's not still happening, or in the case that it is, that nothing lasts forever.

My entire existence is a rosey, pinky, gold. Everything is blanketed in snow, which adds extra sparkle, and cheeks are rosey from cold and champaign. Houses are cozy and smell like the holidays, there is extra laughter, and clinking of drinks and toasts for newer, better years. The people you love are together. There is something super special that happens when most of the people you love are under one roof for a period of time. The space feels sacred and there is richness even in the silences. Even those silences and pauses and steeped with history and traditions.

I cannot get over how beautiful this time of year is. And, maybe there is something to that "homecoming" feeling you get with fall. It happens here to. We all just get back to who are are, who we are in bones. Our roots.

or, maybe i have a tendency to romanticize  everything.  Or maybe it's a combination.

During this week three years ago, i got lock out of the apartment i was....housesitting? I don't know what to call it. It was a whole thing. Long story short, I ended up locked out of the place where all my stuff was locked in. I literally had one change of clothes and like...$50 with me....and i was stuck for....a couple of days....because holidays.

Anyway, that week three years ago...changed a lot of things for me. It changed the way i thought about family, it changed the way i thought about community, it changed how i asked for what i need....it changed me in profound, noticeable ways.

it ushered me into my 30's in a way that made me understand the importance of the people around you, and what it means to love people the way they need it, it showed me how to be vulnerable and for it to be okay. It showed me how to be broken but not stay that way.

So year, the last week of the year, it has a tender little spot in my heart, and i hope that never changes.

This week this year? Well, I'm finding that there's a lot to be thankful for. That the smiles, laughter and the joy out weight the things and times that have been hard. And even when things were hard or sad, there was always something to be thankful for.


Thank you, 2015, for all you've been, for all you've taught me, for the endless second chances and grace that is constantly given. You won't soon be forgotten.

I hope you're finding time to appreciate this time of year. I hope you look back and see where God has been ever present. How he's seen you though the twists and turns of year and how you've actually made it.

I hope your cheeks are rosey from the warmth of the season, I hope you can feel the beautiful potential that awaits you in 2016, and I hope you take some time to tell your special band of weirdos that you love them.

The house that built me.

I talk a lot about what it feels like to have my heart in two places.

Half of my heart is in Wisconsin, along with my roots.

As I get older, I learn more and more what a lovely life i have, and what incredible parents i have.

Parents who have sacrificed immensely so that I wouldn't have to worry about a lot of things people worry about. They've put their dreams and their things on the shelf for me. So that I could experience the life.

They said "no" plenty, but always to the right things. I wasn't spoiled rotten and I don't think i'm a brat, but you have my parents to thank for that. We never had a ton. My parents worried about money, they both worked hard, but i never had to go without. I don't have siblings, but i never felt alone. I fought with my mom, but i know she's the loves me more than anyone. She is strong, and funny, and sassy, and honest, resilient. My dad, he isn't perfect, but he is really good at being a dad. He is such a good man.

My parents are kind and generous and they raised me to be the same. They care about other people more than themselves in ways that are subtle and unassuming but so incredibly profound.

They do small things, every day that make other peoples lives better, and they honestly don't care about the recognition or the praise. They do it, because it's the right thing to do.

I have never doubted their love for me, or that they would move heaven and earth for me. They're such good people and i'm so thankful for them.

If you haven't noticed, I kind of lost myself a long the way for a minute, and finding all the missing pieces can some times take awhile...a long time....but the thing is, while you're looking, the people that love you are just there...waiting for you, helping you, loving you. It's not until you're on the other side, or at least half way through, that you even understand that they were always there.

And you're heart could just bust, because they're so great, and they don't ask for anything in return, even when you've been such  jerk, and so sad and dramatic.

the holidays are always good. I always remember who i am, and where i came from. I am a sucker for  traditions that are generations deep and centered around jesus.

I know where I come form and how important it is, i just need to be reminded from time to time. Growing up is so weird, and hard, and cool and sad and beautiful but there is no manual on how to do it.  It's nice to settle in the spot that always waiting for you. It's nice to be able to understand the importance of your family and your traditions.

And to just be grateful for all you have,  for all that people have done for you, and for all the people that walk along side you.

I think I've decided that my word for 2016 is "gratitude" for a lot of reasons, but mostly because i've spent too much time being real selfish, and it's time to give credit where it's due. It's time if flip my lens off me and on to something more important.

I'm real rambley, gushy, grateful mess. I have a lot to say, so, i'm sure there will be more to come this week.

Tomorrow, maybe i'll tell you why this week leading up to the new year is so sweet and special to me.  

For now, my parents, they're real special, and i love them with my whole entire being.

I like to reflect on the past year because I think it says a lot about who we are.

When i think of this year, 2015, in general, has been kind of hard. It was hard to work at a job I learned to hate. It was hard to watch people treat people I love a lot poorly. It was hard to watch myself being systematically being phased out of a job.

It was hard to imagine how i would even manage to find my groove again.

It was hard to imagine how we'd all transition out of the comfortable and into the unknown. It was hard to imagine ever feel like you'd find a church you'd like a lot again.

It hard to grow and change and process the 10000 type of possibilities that lie ahead.

What i have noticed, more than anything is that faith is hard. Trust is hard. Trusting God, yes, but trusting other people with your delicate self.

But i've seen the winds change, i've felt it in the air and in my bones. Change has come, and God had provided.

And i just watch him continue to provide. Abundantly in some ways, manna in others. Provision though, is all we really need to keep going.

My life, and the lives of my friends are just testaments to a faithful God and that's a pretty incredible take away from the year.

i just made it through  my first semester back of teaching after a many moon hiatus.

Teaching classes i've never taught before including a foreign language.

I just finished my grades.

I love my kids.

and there is no one to celebrate with. So i'm going to run around st. paul like it's my job.

It all comes down to a day, act like we all start over with a pristine slate...

December is secretly the prettiest month, don't tell October, or November, but it is.

It sparkly, and cozy, and smells like tradition, and laughter and belonging.

December, reminds us. It reminds us that we belong to a place and people. It reminds us that promises   are kept. It reminds us of who we are, what has made us, and that we've gotten so far. This far.

And lived to tell.  We tell stories that, now, seem funny, or ridiculous or sweet. Or they're hard, and we look at the people around us, reminding us that people stick together. All of them tell a story about Jesus, and what the kingdom can look like.

December, wraps ups years of love, and memories and traditions that hang thick in the air and creates a space to pull all them out. To scatter everything across the floor and relive, remember, and believe in so many things.

December also gives us Hope.  Hope for more sparkles and pops of laughter, hope of a new year. The turns that lie ahead can be navigated with some maps and tour guides. Hope that we have pages of empty pages.

Full of opportunity to love each other well, to grow and evolve. and laugh and cry and learn. And relearn, and fall and try and say i'm sorry. and to forgive.

I am obsessed with the idea of new years. Flickers of gold that dance as it catches the light. The laughter fills the room and cheeks are flushed from the cold and laughter and champaign.

We remember collective and hope together. We hold hands, and count down and hug each other.

We linger after mid-night. We squeeze our hands as we release them, we hold each other tighter just for a minute we hug. We just move a little slower, we in the moment a minute longer, we settle in to belonging and wear it like a favorite sweater.

December is one of my favorites. She's a gem, often not celebrated for what she brings to the table.

We don't have snow yet, to tuck us in to this season, but there is plenty of soft, sparkly light, igniting in us a feeling of what Christmas is really kind of about.

That we belong somewhere. That we can't do it alone.  We are all the same. We are broken and imperfect and in desperate need of Jesus.

Sometimes, he is hard to find, and feels so far away, so we need each other to reflect him off of the pieces of ourselves.

So December just might be a front runner for the most lovely, and i think October will be okay with it, because October understand the need for home and belonging and for remembering.

Leave the lights on, I always find my way back home.

What do you want me to do for you?

So, Advent is the jam. Right? Like I get goosebumps talking about how Jesus is the real deal.

He is literally it. He is a promise kept. He's hope. He's the light. He's all the things, and he came as this little bitty baby. This tiny little thing who literally couldn't do anything by himself for a time.

who learned to walk and talk and....get potty trained? I don't know, I'm assuming. Or maybe the Holy Spirit just took care of that developmental step. Who's knows, but I'm gonna ask when i get to heaven.

I like to think that Jesus' tailbone also fused when he was 12 and he couldn't even, either. I like to think about Jesus as a boy, I'm going to ask about that too. Was he scared? How did he feel when kids were mean to him? were kids mean? Were there things that were hard for him? Did he try and get frustrated? did he cut himself while woodworking? DID HE HEAL Immediately? I HAVE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.

I've been thinking about what it means, practically to be more like Jesus. Like for real. Because just loving people more, or better, or being more tolerant, those things are hard. We can talk about those things, but what does that look like.

And at church today, they hit the nail on the head. To be more like Jesus is to be more human. Like to feel things. To feel the injustice, to feel the brokenness, to be able to grieve and celebrate for real with the people around you.

To be human is to be vulnerable, to be a part of something bigger, to do things, to act, and speak and think in a way that reflects that God has kept his promises, that salvation is ours and that we already have victory over death.

So we have nothing to be afraid of. WE can love hard, we can go to dark places, we can be honest about life because it's hard and scary and always changing...but it's cool because Jesus has gone before us, ya know? We can embrace the hard, we can power through it because we know it's not forever.

That's something you can take right to the bank.

So being vulnerable enough to ask the Messiah for what we want should be easy, but it's not because fallen world. Because it's not easy to shake insecurity and fear.

But here's what i want:

1. I want believe that i'm not going to be alone forever. Like at some point some boy will love me enough to want to hang out with me every day of this life and well into the next. I don't hate being single, I'm real good at it, but i don't want to be alone forever. that seems sad. I've just gotten it in my head that this is sort of it for me....but what if it isn't?

2. I want my sparkle back. I want to be find the passion that radiates out of me again. I wan to feel like i'm surrounded by a community of people who are all working to make the world better.

3. I want forgivness to come easier and jealousy to go away. I want to stop being so scared of being replaced.

4. I would really like to get my self-confidence back. Sometimes (more often than not) i don't see or talk to myself like i'm made for a purpose and in the image of God. I want to be okay with my body and believe that i really do have skills and qualities that people love and need.

I realize that nothing on this list is surprising, but i fight these battles in my head like every day...well...not everyday but a lot and it kind of sucks a lot. It get in the way for things that could be awesome things. These things keep people are arms length. It causes me to be flippant and sassy as a defense.

It's not a great way to live. I didn't use to be like that, and i want to shake it off.

This advent has been a lot about rediscovering things buried deep under all the debris of life...like when a piece of something shiny catches the light when everything is covered in dust. Like things you've forgotten...and you dust off, and immediately remember the second you see them.

That feeling, that nostalgia. That's hope. Hope that things always work out and we always just figure it out.

And that people really are good at the core.

So, what do you want? It is time you start asking for it?

There's hope and the snow is falling....(well, not the second part, but soon, hopefully)

Okay, I know. I didn't write yesterday, again. I have failed. Its only the 12th day of Advent. I know.

Today was a good day.

Nothing big happened today, and plenty of things happened that were kind of annoying. But there was more laughter than frustration, there was more gratitude than envy, there was more comfort than insecurity.

There's something about spending the day with your people, especially during the holiday's that make you feel like everything's gonna be alright.

When 2015 started, it felt like we were all coming off a couple of years of really hard stuff. As we all jumped into 2015 together, arms linked, and fingers crossed. we vowed this would be the year, (like all the years past). This year, we'd figure it out.

It? Life, relationships, careers, jesus, we will get a handle on any and all of it.

Well, I don't know that we unlocked any keys to anythings, but I think we're getting it together.

There have been job changes, there have been big dreams, big fights, big tears, big hugs, big apologies, big love.

I suppose the hard thing is to grow and change while running parallel, but also grow and change together. It's tricky, it's hard and sometimes it almost breaks your heart, or at the very least your spirit when you see people you love struggling or being treated poorly or just trying to figure out what to do when the unknown seems so scary.

But the thing about community, about your tribe of someones, is you figure it out. You pray, and cry and asks lots of questions, and slam doors ( i mean, if you're me). sometimes you grab hands are drag people behind out as you trudge forward, sometimes you're being dragged.

What you discover is that you really do want everyone to have their best chance at happiness. You want them to have the boldness to step out on faith and follow their dreams, to do the thing they are designed to do. You want to help them get there because that's what love looks like.

So you fast and pray for them, you talk over the same topic 1903 times, you leave each other encouraging notes, you hug each other when you're scared. And you all come out alive.

Do we have anything figured out? No, not really. We're not making boatloads of money, and we're not sure what lies ahead but I'll tell you this: We are well on our way.  We've taken really scary steps, we've done hard things, we've tried, and been there for each other every. single. step of the way.

So 2015 wasn't the year where we got our shit together because the honest truth is that will probably NEVER happen. Life is kinda supposed to be messy and unsure, that's part of it's charm.  BUT we're eating better, we're better versions of ourselves, and we've make forward motion. We've loved each other through all of it.

And today we laughed a lot, we ate together, we played together.  It reminded me so much of why I fell in love with this house. That kitchen table and the people that surround it. That feeling i got when things just make sense, when your heart feels like it's found missing pieces of it's self.

So, this year didn't really bring us our wildest dreams, but I think it brought us back to each other. Back to a time and a feeling that Jesus is kind of working some magic here. The story that's being written is one that we want to be a part of.

Love looks like regular Saturdays in December filled with laughter and love and mess and tacos and dogs wearing diapers.

We're finding our ways, and it's kind of amazing.

I did not write yesterday, and I actually feel bad about it. Tonight, though,  I know I have to write something, but coming up with it on the fly is hard sometimes, because well...my brain is tired.

So I'm going to give you a list of things...

1. Every day in my 3rd hour class, a boy named Justin asked me if i'm "rattled" and it make me laugh every all the time.

2. The 9th graders have a piece of my heart. I adore them. every last one of them.

3. There are times when i think about what would happen if there was an intruder in our school. I think about it more than i should probably, but i know that if it were to happen, I would take a bullet (or many) for those kids.  Because I love them but also because I believe in Jesus.

4. I am so into Advent.

5. I would really like it to snow. Like big, fluffy, snow globe flakes.

6. i wanna go ice skating.

7. i am so excited for christmas, it's ridiculous.

8. i just want to bake cookies and sit around in my jimmies and listen to good music

9. I miss Sam and Julia

10.  I don't miss a lot of things i thought i would

11.  Turns out that sometimes i'm selfish and I want to keep my friend(s) to myself.

12. I don't understand where that comes from. i'm not normally like that.

13. I peel off my nail polish when i feel anxious

14. I've almost made it through 1 semester of school.

15. I really, really do love kids. So much.

16. I like going to church again. (but like i'm not going to admit that to some people for a minute)

17. SISTERS COMES OUT IN ONE WEEK.

18. Someones took my Yes, Please book and i don't know who it is. I'm tempted to just buy a new one.

19. I have been unreasonably emotional lately. So many feelings.

20.  Sometimes my reaction to life just surprise me.

Help me count these blessing like I should....

You might not know it by looking at it, but this little guy used to hang on my grandma's Christmas tree for 40+ years. It has seen some christmases for the books.

It was watched my mother as a girl, and a teen ager, becoming who she will be. It has watched my mother become a mother, and her mother become a grandmother.

It has watched me become the many facets of the girl I was and am and hope to be. It has seen us through the coolest winters, 10 foot snow firsts, hot chocolate, snow forts and sleep overs.

It has watched newly weds learn how to become a family, and  parents and has watched 20 years of marriage become 30 and 40 and 50 and then some. It's watched us say goodbye to my grandpa, for now. It has been with us through the Christmases where sadness has hung in the air like too many ornaments on one branch. It's been with us through so much laughter and love and becoming. So much becoming.

My grandparents are just incredible humans. I have never doubted their love, not even for a second. They have always been such a safe and warm place, they have held our family together in more ways than one. To have the same ornaments hang on a new tree make my heart swell.

This guy has gotten a new life, as of late. This little guy who was given to me, as an adult to hang on my tree, is now watching my Wisconsin roots planted firmly here in Minnesota soil.

It now hangs on the A-team's tree, and i cannot think of a more perfect spot for it. It will now hang on these tree branches as it watches a whole new wave of people becoming through laughter and tears and the in between. It will watch a 10 year old boy become 12, and 15 and then 20 and then....it will watch another marriage go from 12 years to 24 year and then some.

It's funny how life spirals on itself and there are little things along the way to help you remember. I was so overwhelmed by school and being broke, which is the worst. I was so caught up in the idea that i couldn't get the people i loved so much really great presents and i have so much to do between now and christmas....i just totally lost track of my damn mind.

Then I took some time to breath. It's real important to just own when you've been a jerk, which for me, is more often than not lately. but it just gave me a lot of perspective.

Sitting in a living room (in really great slipper because your pal is the best ever) unwrapping christmas ornaments that drip of history and nostalgia and christmases past. Handmade, and homemade. Hearing the stories, laughing , being overcome with so much simple sweetness and really marveling at how our lives our woven together. To add ornaments from my side of there river. And there they hang.

Kindred.

I was just super overwhelmed by how moving the whole thing was (also, hormones, so many feels). I like it when i'm able to tangibly see how our lives have come together. How before our paths collided that we were kind of always more similar than different.

And to know the stories behind the ornaments, to hold it in your hand so carefully.

Sometimes reminders of what important are just really beautiful and really simple and if you're lucky, they're sparkly, too.

I am just so thankful. So incredibly thankful for this time that it makes me weepy.

Turns out, I have a special skill. It is putting my foot directly into my mouth, which is super hard because i'm the most inflexible human that ever walked the earth.

flexible in terms of physicality.

Because flexible in terms or like going with the flow i'm better at.

I'm just not good at being human lately. ugh.

I really want it to be christmas break. I want to lay around in my pjs, i want to just be cozy and off of school for a minute.

I need to go christmas shopping. So far, i have a total of 1 present. Being broke is the worst. Thankfully i should be able to get it all done next week.

Also. Ally McBeal is the best choice.

I wrote two things yesterday. this counts.

There are times in your life when you get to cross paths with people who spend their whole lives making other people's lives better.

If you're lucky, you get to be loved by them. You get to do life with them. You get to experience their special type of magic.

Homemade sunshine. Unicorns. Four Leaf Clovers.

Their type of love that makes everything feel okay, even when you 100% convinced that the world is ending. The type of love that makes your favorite food and listens to you freak the eff out about the same thing 19000 times because she knows its the only way to get over this ridiculous hump...and also that you're a slow learner.  It's the love that looks like binge watching tv with you when she should probably be doing 100000 other things, or cracking her heart open and showing you the insides. It's the love that looks like knowing how sad and broken you are and letting you live with her.

It's texting you form one room away that she likes when you're here because it makes the house feel full. (Which makes you cry, one room away, because you're world feels like its a total mess and you just need to hear that you belonged somewhere).

Or when she grabs you by the pants pocket, in order to stop you from yelling at a little league umpire. Or when she choses to get in ring and fight for you in ways you don't even know about. And about a billion other things.

It's kind of love that if you asked her about it, she would never remember these specific instances because her life if full of sweet, small reminders that Jesus has our back.

It is the closest thing to Agape love that you can possible experience. It's rare, and crazy that best thing that can happen to you.

And you wonder how you can become more like that. How you can love people the same way.

And the truth is, you can't. There are people who are gifted at a lot of things, but the people who love you like Jesus does? You can't replicate that.

It's like the secret sauce Jesus concocted and sprinkled into their heads and hearts before they were born.

These people are the people that when struggle comes their way, you cry with them, you hop on in to the trenches with a shovel, you get on your knees for them every day, go to bat for them. They are the type of people you would take a bullet for,  the people you'd bear a burden for and not have second thought about it.

These are also the people that sometimes other people don't understand. Other people are confused by how they are wired. Other people will spend a lot of time trying to make our people feel like they're not good enough. They will consistently try to snuff out their lovely lights because those dummy's know that our people have the power to really transform that world. And you want to punch those dummy's directly in the face.

How dare they make our people feel like they are anything less than amazing. Any thing else than the amazing thing God created them to be.  You see those dummy's trying to slow them down, and it makes you sad. It makes you jaded. It makes you wonder why there are so many jerks in the world.

But sometimes you see people show up, to pay back, in a small way, all the love she's given to them. People who have chosen to stand in solidarity with her as she figures out her life.

the whole thing makes you weepy because hormones. But also because when you have the opportunity to love people like that, you want them to feel how special they are. How much they are needed in this chaotic, weird world. They bring the light. They bring the love. The bring the promise of a better tomorrow. They also bring work gloves because they're do-ers.

I know that I'm infinitely better for this kind of friendship. The kind that I certainly don't deserve. It has morphed into family, and if for an only child who went her whole life wanting  a sister, Jesus has responded in the best way. Chosen Sister. It is one of the things I keep closest to my heart. One of the things I've learned the most from, and one of the things that has transformed me into a better human.

So, if you know someone like this, count yourself among the lucky.  Not everyone gets to have that in a lifetime.


ALLTHEFEELINGS

This challenging reality is better than fear or fantasy

When I decided, haphazardly, that grace was my word for the year, I literally had no concept of the roads I was about to go down.

Because had I known, I would have chosen more carefully, because this shit is ridiculous. 

Like for real. Like it's been real hard. 

I get real drunk on the idea of reflection and new years at this time of year. I get real nostalgic and just totally overcome with gratitude and love and christmas lights, and looking toward a new year full of untapped promise and potential. 

Have a I mentioned everything is sparkly? It's distracting. It makes me forget all the details and I just see rose colored film reels. The highlights of sorts, that run through my head. They crack and pop like an old fashioned projector even though I'm actually too young to remember a time when people used those for real. 

Old soul. 

This year has been great. So great. I have amazing people in my life. A great job. Also St. Paul is charming little gem who makes me fall in love with the world again and again. I am staring to see Jesus in places where I thought i lost him. This year has really been a year of restoration and kept promises, and challenge that has changed me or reminded me of what i believe in. 

I'm rarely neutral about anything, but in the season of stuck, neutrality has become commonplace. It's the exact opposite of my nature. 

Trying to break out of the neutrality has literally left me a like pendulum off it's hinges. One day everyone is the fucking worst and the next I feel like i'm queen of everything. 

It's exhausting for everyone, myself included.  Holy balls, I am a handful. 

And really my nature is to be pretty even keel about most things. I used to let things roll off my back and now everything thats sad makes me have ALL THE FEELINGS. 

it's annoying.  The truth is,  I've been hurt, but who hasn't. I'm still alive. I'm still functioning. The damage is really only permanent if i let it be. That's probably truth for you, too. I don't know you, but i think it's probably applicable to all lives. 

Just because i'm feeling something, rational or not, does not give me free range to act like a goddamn lunatic and a first class jerk. 

But holy shit. i've been such a jerk, and i feel ashamed and embarrassed about the way i've treated the people i love.  Because in no realm of any sort of existence is it okay. My parents raised me better than that, and My heart knows that, too....but sometimes my head speaks on my heart's behalf and is a total asshole about it. 

The road back to getting my sparkle back is fricken hard. and humbling, and it's made me cry a lot. 

I think this year, more than being able to give grace (which i'm pretty terrible at) I am learning how to receive it, which, as it turns out, i'm also terrible at. 

There are not many people in your life who love you like Jesus does, or at the very lease as close as humanly possible, and a lot of times they're not even people with whom you share dna. 

One of my favorite lines of "The Perks of Being a Wallflower" is "we accept the love we think we deserve"  and for a long time I didn't think i deserved much. Not because I've done anything wrong, but because i never really left like i was all that special. But when people love you like they're supposed to, like you deserve, it can feel foreign, and uncomfortable. 

And sometimes to see how far it will go, if you're an envelope pusher like me, you're a total jerk and people love you back with grace. 

and that's confusing. 

So, grace. and more grace. and more grace. it just keeps coming at me. and it makes me weepy but what doesn't today. 

Literally the St. Paul skyline this morning made me tear up because St. Paul and i have a beautiful history. It's a love story for the books. Maybe one day, i'll get outside of myself enough to write it all down. 

This year was not about me handing grace out to people like sticks of gum. It was about me understanding how desperately i need grace, and that Jesus loves me infinitely more than even the crazy people who love me unconditionally. 

Life is weird, man. And so hard. But so, unbelievably worth it. 

When Saturdays are a bust.

I've recently decided to start watching Ally McBeal again, because sometimes i like to relive my childhood.

Today was interesting. As I have mentioned, I have been  having all the feelings.  Mostly, I am 2 seconds away from tears.

In short. I hate hormones. If i am every pregnant, we are all doomed. ALL OF US.

Lately,  I've been trying to distinguish the difference between things being your choice but also people want you to make a specific choice.

I know its a lot of things are my choice, but sometimes it's just nice to for people to WANT you to be with them, come with them....or whatever. Like the desire for you to exist with them in a space is important that them.

Sometimes I don't always feel like that.

All the feelings. I just need to get them under control so i'm not feeling like crying every 5 mins.

I have literally done no things today. I cleaned the kitchen and thats it. So i'm  feeling like a giant waste of space today.

Side note: I relate to Ally McBeal in all ways. It's ridiculous.

Deciding whether or not to go to church tomorrow. I should, and i know it, but i'm stubborn and i don't like feeling like a tag along. My alarm is set. I'm sure i'll report back.

But there's a rita and doreen and hugging them will likely make me cry because hormone and i miss them.

I like to fancy myself an all for one and one for all kind of girl. I don't typically get jealous about friendships or anything, but sometimes....i do. and sometimes. I miss the idea of best friends.

Because it really just is a lovely concept.

Writing make me crazy. It makes me understand my head a lot better, it also makes me realize how most things sound ridiculous when i write it all out, and i'm just as crazy as everyone else.

Tinsel and lights and winter dusks.

I love the dusk of Winter. The sky is bright, as the sun goes down, oranges and pink kiss the blue, the air smells like snow, and it's quiet.

Winter is such a beautiful season, even when it's a billion degrees below zero. I always think that winter makes the world feel smaller and quieter. It's almost as if the snow tucks us in for the season and reminds us that we need each other. 

People hold doors open, push each other out of snow banks, shovel driveways, ring bells, say hello.  Cheeks are rosy, eyelashes are dusted with snow, we hold on to each other to keep from slipping on the ice....and maybe more than that.

It's finding joy in small, simple things. We laugh louder, love harder, and find compassion everywhere. 

I love it. I love the sound, and smells and the way everything twinkles.  The tinsel, and the lights and the history that oozes form everything. Who we are and where we come from is so, so apparent. 

I've been so emotional (baby) lately. I cried in the car when these people announced their pregnancy on the radio. I cried about a dog seeing it's owner come home from war. I cried about Amy Poehler getting a star on the walk of fame. I cried because of the sweet memories this season brings. 

So...as you can see, it's been a whole thing. I blame it on my period, which isn't a total cop out, but I think it's more than that. 

I've spent a lot of time being a stuck, but think in the season where everything is freezing, I'm melting. All of the ways I've tried to freeze out the things that i thought could hurt me, are the very things that reminding my heart of its rhythms again. 

My plans rarely work out, but my life has a way of always turing out okay.  My paths have never been straight or come with directions. I tend to forge ahead even when my guides are telling me otherwise. Along the way, though, I find people, and places that feel like home, even though the rings inside them would say they've just recently sprung up. 

One of the things i used to be really good is find "home" taking my Wisconsin roots and growing Minnesota branches, and i've sort of lost sight of that, but I feel my roots telling me that it's time.  

This season, these people, this career path...it's good. 

And I should let it be good. Sometimes the sweetest things come from the hardest work, and even though the getting there was hard, the arrival is sweet, and simple, and exactly what it needs to be. 

and I'm starting to really feel that. Not that i've arrived, necessarily, but that I can drop the anchor for awhile. I've got some learning and growing to do and this is where I need to do it. 

And it doesn't need to be scary, or cold. It looks like people who are rooting for you, and think you're great when you're not even trying. It's full of kids who LOVE you, and hang out around you because you've made a safe place for them.  

I'm taking the hard things, and learning from them. I'm embracing the past because it's made me more compassionate, it's shown me Jesus in ways I didn't expect, and it has taught me about what love looks like. 

In this season of expectant waiting, and a thawing heart, I am praying for the good sense to get out of God's way, to be willing to be used all sorts of ways. I'm praying that I use what I have where I am, and for that to be enough. 

I'm certainly not ready for what lies ahead, but I'm equipped to handle whatever is around the bend. 

Let the snow fall, let it create a pure heart in me, and you, and everyone this season. 

Let's hold mittened hands, and hold each other up, because the ice is slippery, and going down together hurts less, and it frequently ends in tears that come from laughing. 

Hug your families tighter, take time to smell the snow in the air, and pay attention to winter at dusk. 

Winter is here, and she is lovely. 

Also, obsessed with "oh come, oh come, Emmanuel" and "this cup" they are both just so perfect right now. listen to them when it's snowing, you won't regret it. 

That thing when you think you're over something....

I try not to be grudge holder.  I would like to be known as forgiving person. I like being a forgiving person because  it's liberating. It's breaks the holds that the past has on you.

But sometimes those things sneak up on you.  Even after you think that you're good, you reveal for yourself that that's not quite the whole story.

I don't like it. It's not a good look on me. I working my way toward being good.  I have to be able to see the good changes in a person. I have to believe in good hearts and i have to look for good, even if it's hard to find, and sometimes it is.

So far, if advent has taught me anything...in whole...5(?) days that we've been hanging out. Is that it's easy to see that things are jacked up and that people are so, so broken.

You can either be a bystander or a part of the solution. Being an active participant in making life better for yourself and other people begins with good intentions and baby steps.

I know what i kind of person i want to continue to become.

i'm going to try to write more this weekend...like something more significant and with more substance....but the end of the semester is coming so....there these might be short and pithy until christmas break.

i'm trying. I forgot what a commitment writing every day is.

I have all the feels today.

I have hate that there was another mass shooting. There have now been more mass shootings that days in 2015. That makes my heart hurt. I don't have words to even begin to formulate all i want to say on the subject.

So i'll just say this. Let's pray that changes begin to happen. Even small ones make a huge difference. I pray that as a country we start seeing PEOPLE instead of a race, or social class, or patient number. If we start giving people the opportunity to get what they need, whether it be a access to affordable health care, a decent paying job....equal rights....

I don't know we just need to stop acting like such assholes. My heart can't take it, I don't know how any one else's can. I don't care if you don't care about guns or gun control, but care about people and their ability to have access to what they need regardless of income, race or gender.


On a completely unrelated, or maybe not so unrelated note....Would it kill us to be nice and love the people we like a lot, well? Like I know I'm guilty of not always appreciating what amazing friends i have, but if well just took a moment to breath before we reacted, I think we'd all be better off.

Listen, Friendship is hard. Super hard. especially when you juggle work, and family, and husband and kids and whatever else....it's hard that's not time....but friends...they love you in a way that is different from your family. There is freedom in friendship, there is whimsy and honesty and laughter and tears.  But we need to be careful with the hearts we've been allowed to hold.

Grace people. So much Grace.

A tale told by an idiot....

Today's blog is a bit of a cluster. I have nothing prepared at the moment, nothing is weighing on me (at the moment), I'm brushing off all the things that I could interpret as hurtful and i've chosen not to care.

I still have to read today's devotion and well, the classes i have tomorrow certainly aren't going to plan themselves.

All that to say, I need to take just one hot minute to be thankful for the fact that i came home, help the world's sweetest 10 year of with his homework. I watched TV, and laughed and drank hot chocolate with some of my favorite humans and a Christmas tree.

Sometimes that all you need. To be in wrapped up in a blanket, surrounded by the things that make your heart beat for the right reasons.

What i've found is that the simple, the ordinary things in life are often the things that i remember most and have the deepest impact on me.  Often the times where i can recall exactly what a place felt like and smelled like....are regular days where the most exciting thing that happened was no one fell down.

I know we look for Jesus in the big moments, in births, and deaths, and recovery, and everything else that causes your mascara to run.  But what I like most about my life is that Jesus is ever present in the regular. In the 9th grader that comes in to my room every morning to hug me. OR how some people spiral back into your life. or the way that hot chocolate tastes...because you remember what life was like the first time you had it, and remember what it feels like to be "home."

Today, I'm thankful for the way the world feels when it's blanketed in snow. For 9th graders who make you laugh, and for friends who become family, even when it feels like sometimes they want to get rid of you....because thats truly how families are.

On being single and being in the church....

Lindsey Nobles just recently wrote a piece on being single in the Church.  I really like her, and respect her and think she has good and valuable things to say. You can find her blog, here.

I agree with a lot of what she says, but there are some things I don't think are the church's fault. I think the single stigma goes deeper. It goes the to heart of American culture.

Here are some facts: Jesus was single. The disciples were single. They spent their adult lives in community with each other, helping people, learning, and being together, which begs the question, why does everyone feel bad for the single person?

Why does it feel like everyone is married and you're not? Why does it make you feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with you because you're not seriously dating someone, or dating at all? Why does it feel like the only option is to find someone online?

I feel like the answer goes deeper than the church. It's because our culture, our society values marriage as part of a successful life.  The good job, the nice house, the whole point of having these things is to share it....presumably  a spouse.

But what if we're missing the point kinda? What if we are just supposed to share our stuff with the people we love? Married, single, somewhere in between.

Please hear me when I say that I think marriage is a beautiful thing, a gift from God. Something I hope to have in my lifetime. The idea of having a partner to hang out for always is lovely. I know marriage is hard, and it's an every day work, and it's more than just dinner parties and cute couple cards. It's bills and merging totally separate lives into one...it's a lot of work.

I'd be lying if i didn't fancy a Jesus loving boy who would kiss me on the forehead and grab my hand when i'm walking and be an amazing dad to the kids i want to have.

of course i want that. But I do want that desire to define me or consume me. Because I think we all need each other. I think single people help married people as much as the married help the singles. I think that we spent more time being in it together....it would matter less what the martial status is.

But this country? its built on this isolation, boot straps, everyone for himself thing. Which is kind of the exact opposite of what Jesus teaches us about community and loving each other.

You think it's weird when someone single finds herself living with a married couple...who have children. It doesn't sit right with you. She must not have money, or she must be crazy or SOMETHING...because why would ever do that?

But what if it was nothing weird. but if it was a group of people who were just trying to live life and love each other in a way that looks like Jesus? And to them, if means letting people into their spaces and lives in a way that isn't maybe...super normal...but in a way that grows and stretches and teaches about grace and love and Jesus in away you can't get from a small group or from a Sunday sermon.

I think that so much of the sermon's that are preached are preached in a cultural context. We kind of take the Bible and find ways to apply it to our lives without disrupting the status quo, too much.

I know I'm generalizing. But church is not the only place where if you're single you feel like a weirdo. If you don't do the church thing....if you're single and not dating and hooking up like a fool....living it up as it were....it's not really awesome either.

Because we are kind of built on the idea that we need someone. I think that's true, but i think we need a whole lot of someones. Because really, even being married with out a community of people around you is impossible.

Love is beautiful. One day i hope my dad can walk me down the isle where a boy who makes me laugh and makes me smile, big teethy, dumb smiles, awaits me on the other end.

But i know that isn't the happily ever after. The happily every after the the group of people who jump into the pool and wade the waters with you. The people who grab you by the hands and say....we don't know what we're doing...but lets try and figure it out together.

let's be each other cheerleaders. Let's be each other's chosen families....let's give this whole community thing a shot.

I really think it we thought more like this it would change a lot of things. And a ton of people, married, single and somewhere in between would feel a lot less alone.

I'm single, but i don't feel alone. I love the church and i don't feel isolated by them any more than i feel isolated by the rest of pop culture. I don't necessarily need the church the talk less about marriage, and i'm not necessarily put off by those sermons. I, in general, think that we need to talk about the things that break out hearts and that push us to love each other better and create positive change in our world....but those are the things that make my heart beat.

I am just trying to live this life, in this season, in a way that honors all the people who loves me, and Jesus. I don't want to feel bad about whether i have a ring on my finger. I can love people really well...and still be happy.

Here's to the marrieds, and the singles, and the in-betweens. We need each other, we're in this together, let's not waste any more time....being...separated. Let's all get tiny houses and cook dinner together and love each other kids. Let's tell the truth and cry, and laugh, and find a place for everyone at the table, in the pew and on the bus.

This is not at all an advent post...so here are some buzz words. Jesus loves his bride which happens to be the church...made up of a lot of different kinds of jacked up people (married and single)...and we are all just trying to do the best we can while we await his return.

#andscene.

And let the wait.....begin....

Here's some things you should probably know about me. I was raised Lutheran so there is a part of me who loves the liturgy. I think there is something beautiful in tradition. A bundle of things that remain constant, that weave through generations, connecting dots to people. I just like it, there is something comforting about it.

And perhaps because of my Lutheran background. I am really in to things like Lent and Advent. Again, I think taking time to slow down, to listen, to pay attention to the whispers I've almost assuredly been missing....teaches me new things. About myself. about the world, about who Jesus is. It's always kind of hard. I always want to quit, but by the end, i've had these 40 days...(give or take a sabbath or 7) where I've really been intentional with my faith in a way that is different than just being in a small group or going to church on Sunday. As I've gotten older, I've learned to appreciate these things more because I've learned how to participate in it, in a way that is meaningful for me.

No one is holding accountable, no one is keep track,  I am on this journey alone, and i do it because it makes me remember all the good things. All the grace, and peace, and mercy, that is consistently given. It also shows me how short I fall, how much I need the aforementioned things, and reminds me of my need for Jesus.

So Advent is here. We begin the countdown to Jesus. The other thing you should probably know about me is that i'm terrible at waiting. Like...so...horribly bad. I love surprising people but can never stand the wait until they know the surprise...so I'm always 3 seconds away from ruining everything.


I like to open Christmas presents early. As a kid I would beg my parents to let me open one present early. They eventually got so tired to me asking they wrapped one present in rice and noodles so it would rattle when i shook it and told me if i could guess what was in it, i could open it.

I never guessed correctly. And, as it turns out, this has become a tradition that still stands as of 2015.

Because when the Cases find something funny they never let it go.

So, I don't like to wait.

For the last little while here (read: more than a little while) I've found myself in...neutral. Waiting for something to happen that would propel me forward....Like willing to move, but absolutely needing a team of strong people to push me forward.

It hasn't gone over all that well for anyone, especially the people who love me. Mostly because as a semi-aggressive go-getter, the whole sitting around waiting for something to happen to me instead of going and making it happen was ridiculous.

That kind of waiting is propelled by fear. Fear of failure, rejection, broken hearts, broken pieces, messed up plans. It's not good to live in fear. That fear, if you let it, takes over, and twists everything into weird things and it makes you sad. It makes a different dark kind of sad, because if you fail or fall, you might hurt for a minute but you survive and move on, no worse for the wear.

But not moving because you're afraid, will hold you forever. You can't move on because...well....you're afraid to.

It's a gross circle. I don't recommend trying it. Just jump...because you'll be okay.

My point? lately, on a much bigger level, i feel like we...as like a human race...are just waiting out of fear...for jesus to come back or to...die. We see SO much darkness...so many unanswered prayers...so much chaos...that is scares us into not doing anything....waiting around for another people to do something.

This time we have...right now? Well, we already know that Jesus came, and he's coming again..and we wait...with expectant hearts for things to be restored.

The trick is, though, we can't just wait around. We have a responsibility to participate in the restoration. Every prayer, every time we help, everything we show grace and love people well...that light pushes back the darkness. There's more light....there's more Jesus.  Now, don't get me wrong, i don't think these things will make Jesus come back faster, but seriously, when we live like we are called to, it makes a difference. It makes the world better...sometimes for a whole bunch of people, sometimes for just one person...sometimes forever...sometimes just for the next 12 hours...but it helps.

So this advent as we spend more time looking at how God fulfilled the promise of a Savior, as we await his return, let's be active in our waiting. It's super hard, especially when we don't know what to do, or how to do it....but let's just start somewhere.

Sometimes half the battle is starting.

Where am I going to start? Well, to be honest, the fact that my butt is back in a pew (literally a pew) is a start. The fact that I'm committing to write for the next 26 days....is a start. The fact that I'm going to try to have more grace with my darling high school students as we march toward Christmas break...is a start.

Where will you start?

words. words. words.

As the rain hides the stars, As the autumn mist hides the hills,
As the clouds veil the blue of the sky,
So the dark happenings of my lot
Hide the shining of your face from me.
Yet, if I may hold your hand in darkness,
It is enough, since I know that,
Though I may stumble in my going,
You do not fall.



This is literally everything.

Piece by piece

There are pieces of myself scattered around the this city.

Pieces i've picked up, and then dropped again.

Pieces, that i thought i'd never find again.

Pieces, missing.

Pieces that i've picked up, that seem new, and i'm just trying to figure out how they all go together again.

There are parts that are rounded, and I forget they don't hurt to pick up anymore, but i still pick them up carefully, waiting for the finger prick, or sting, from wounds from the people who i thought would be different.

sometimes between look for, and gathering, the scattered pieces i let doubt creep in like a cold front of confusion.

it stops me in my tracks, make me forget, circles my head like a satellite, forever orbiting my head, trying to get to my heart.

It's stalled me. It's taken away the best parts of me, and i'm trying to find them again.

those parts sparkle, they glitter when there's even a hint of sunshine.

hope.

So i follow the light out of the storm. Because they things about weather is that it's always changing. The cold doesn't stay forever.

The sun comes out again but sometimes winter is just long.

But spring is coming. It always does, and it never disappoints.

so i'll continue to collect myself like bread crumbs on the way back to myself. My reflection will look a little different, how can it not?

But the right pieces are still there and the center, anchoring me, reminding me, not letting me blow away completely when the wind threatens to scatter all my pieces again.

sometimes i just really miss being someone's favorite. 

do you grow out of that? 

There are just some days when I don't have the energy to be happy for other people.

I'm so glad everything is so great, but i'm in the middle of a existential crisis, so i'll save my celebration for a later time.

i'm sorry. it's an asshole thing to say, but sometimes, it's true.

Skinny Love.

I think sunsets are just better in the Fall. They are somehow more of what sunsets should be, orange and warm and kissed with the promise of new days and 2nd chances.

Maybe sunsets are better in the Fall because Fall is really good at goodbyes. Every thing in fall is a goodbye of sorts, and saying goodbye to a day, for better or worse, it just what Fall does best.

Fall is my favorite teacher. The best, hardest, sweetest lessons learned have been in this season. Faded pictures and old letters and notes on post-its found inside worn pages of old books are reminders the weird way the life spirals on itself.

Fall asks a lot of me. It's asks me to believe to have faith thats not so easily shaken. It asks me to try, to push beyond what I think i can do....to arrive at a place yet unknown.

Let's face it, those are some hard asks, with zero promise of success. I don't like it when the odds are not in my favor.

The truth is that these asks come with lots of risks, lots of hard lessons that leave marks on me.

Back in January when I was drunk on twinkle lights and resolutions and the promise of what new years brings, i choose a word to focus on...(whatever, it's a thing i do)

I chose Grace.

I chose poorly.

Grace is hard. Grace is not something you master. It is not a word that you simply think about for the year and then are done with. You are never done learning grace, understanding grace or receiving grace...it just doesn't stop. ever.

Grace is constant. Grace is a choice. Grace looks the exact opposite of my most natural reactions.

And I have 100% failed. I'm bad at Grace.

I know better, though, what grace looks like.

Much like "praying for patience" declaring "grace" as the word of the year invites many, many opportunities to practice. Blah, blah, blah....it's beautiful but it also kind of sucks a lot.

because people are jerks.....broken. People are broken.

It's also been brought to my attention about a billion times this year that i'm also a jerk....broken.

I say things i don't mean, i throw the best pity party in all the land, I hold a grudge with the best of them, i refuse forgiveness, i talk about how people are the worst....and everyone else does, too.

I've learned the importance of the 2nd Chance. It's a beautiful concept. It's not a clean slate, it's trying again with what you've experienced.  It's completely undeserved, it's the most valuable gift.

It's a chance to do better. To do right by people and right by yourself.

Im so incredibly thankful for the 2nd chance for I am ever the stumbler, forever clumsy in my approach to love and grace and forgiveness.....the world? Yeah, probably the world...

Fall has asked me to try hard and to believe a lot this season, and in order to do that, I needed to let go of some crappy stuff, to leave it where it belongs, and take with me the lessons, and faith, and the experience that has led me here.

To this place. This in-between, but further along the continuum, this still confusing place.

It all matters, and as i sit here, watching life spiral on it's self spending my days hoping my words don't fall on deaf ears, while searching for the Jesus I know is ever present, hoping to truly feel the security in his promises, I understand what it means to practice grace a little better. If for no other reason that to understand that i fall short 100% of the time.....but love allows me to keep trying.

So, this is 31. A decade ago, I was running around with my college friends, no really knowing where life would take us, but drunk on the idea that we would always be together, in some way, no matter where our dust settled. Now, I do significantly less running, but i'm still in love with the idea that life doesn't mean to break your heart, friendships do last forever, and love wins.

And love only wins when there is grace.

So here's to fall, my favorite teacher. And to Grace for all the ways its taught me to love people better. And to an even present, ever faithful, ever grace-filled God who loves me....us....even thought we're major jerks.....broken.

Life beings again when it gets crisp in the fall.....

I don't like it when people talk about seasons. Unless, of course, you're talking about fall. then, and only then will I want to play.

The "seasons" that i hate are "seasons of life." Gross. They feel cliche and contrived and what people say when they're not sure what to say.

Stop it. Don't tell me it's just a season. Just don't say anything, if you're not sure what to say.

Ya feelin' me?

Anyway,  As I live and die by the school calendar, I find myself, once again, in a new season.  Some of it feels familiar. I have a class room about about 100 kids that i'm totally crazy about.

Some of it feels new and unbroken in.  Like coworkers who are sweet, and kind and check in on you. Ones that don't manipulate and do weird things.

I feel like this is a season of utter gratitude. I am thankful for so much right now that it feels like it will spill out all over everything every time i open my mouth.

As sit in a coffee shop where i've been for the last three hours doing "homework"....you know like grades and grading and planning and whatnot....I've become both used to being overwhelmed and exhausted and grateful for it.

I am grateful for the chance to work hard at work worth doing. I want to do well for myself, but mostly for those kids who sit in those desks and stare back at me on days when my throat hurts, and i'm tired and i'm not sure what i'm doing.

the ones who are sweet and try hard. The ones who are hurting and won't say, the ones who are struggling to fit in, the ones who are also not sure what they're doing.

i love them, all of them, even the ones that give me head ache. I get show them Jesus every day. I get to love them and encourage them....and teach them...Spanish and English...but also...how to be kind, how to be yourself and how to love Jesus.

I'm grateful for the team of humans that have kept me alive and breathing, and who have let me process, and sat with me over tea and lunch and let me cry and be confused and angry and sad and unsure.

I have to be where I am to get to where I'm going...and there are people who have walked with me and let me be where i am but have pushed me forward.

There are people who are constant cheerleaders and encouragers and believe for me when all i can see is blank space.  No map or compass i just panic and freeze. I grateful for gentle, and not so gentle guiding.

I'm grateful for a faithful God.....who i don't understand. Who I doubt and fight with, and push away....because I can be stubborn and he can be constant....even when i don't feel him or see him or hear him.

My heart feels a lot of things. It's fall, and broken, missing pieces are finding their way home. Life is starting over again, the comfort of what I know is more present that the doubt of the unknown. It looms on the horizon, but the light of goodness pushes it out of view on most days.

And people. Thank Jesus for the people.

I'm grateful for the pieces of my heart that are still a little jagged. The parts of me that are still healing. The parts that i'm making sense of and Jesus is still doing work in. The parts that are making me humble and stronger.

This season I find myself walking forward more than i'm looking back...hard things get easier, and my story gets weirder...complex....interesting....

I'm still working on the forgiveness part of some things...because it's just real hard....and it hurst to let go when you think you're right....but the lens of gratitude makes a little bit easier. Being thankful for experiences and lessons makes the angry part of you less harsh.

So, let's see where this takes us. I have no idea. I know that most days i'm on the verge of tears and tired in the best way you can be tired. I know that things that are worth it are often difficult.

and i know the best way to jump is to hold someone's hand.

And i'm listening to Christy Nockles sing "Love Can Build a Bridge" and it's just the best ever.

Stay tuned. more to come.

I've gotten used to being gone, silhouettes and unmade beds...

So, it appears, I've taken the summer off from writing. Not intentionally, really. I didn't have a computer for a month while I was transitioning from "church girl" into a teacher.

And to be honest, the transition is happening currently, as it takes me awhile to sort myself out.

The last week feel like a blur moving at a snails pace. It's been a long time since i felt like everything was flying and going SO SLOW at the exact same time. My life is actually just a pile of contradictions filled in with LOTS OF FEELS, and LOT of Laughter.

You know, the drill, or at least you should at this point. Originally, I was trying to sort of out the last week. I feel like a lot has happened and i'm trying to figure out how i feel about it all of it.

And it would be a whole thing. Instead I'm going to give you 2 lists. List one is things that I believe we should all invest in because they just make life better,  and who isn't out to live a life that's all it's cracked up to be?  And list 2 are just somethings (tv shows, music, books etc) that I'm especially into at the moment.

I like lists, I need to write more and i've literally done nothing today of any substance so I figure getting some thoughts out probably isn't the worst idea.

Where to start, where to start: How about with investments.

10 Thing everyone should invest in:

1.  Good Friends. I'm still relatively young, (ahem ...30) and I've learned a lot about what kind of people are worth keeping around. Invest in your friends, and be friends with people who invest in you. If someone doesn't ask how you're doing when you're in person....it's not worth it. You deserve to have some who is as willing to listen to you as you are to them. There are very few people who love you when things are sweet and when you're the worst version of yourself. Pay attention to the people who go the extra mile....and tell them you love them.

2. A good pair of jeans. The kind that make your butt look great and the perfect shade of worn in. I get mine from the gap. I hate jeans shopping but when you find your pair....it's like magic.

3. Books. Read people. I don't care what you read, but read. Anything and everything you can get your hands on. Read about people and history and laugh and cry. It's amazing how authors shape words that can make you think, laugh, cry and act. books can change your life. READ.

4. Education. Go to school. Find something your passionate about. Try new things. Learn to play the guitar or to to draw, or about cars or poli sic. You won't regret being educated. You'll never spend more money, that's true...but you'll never spend money a better way.

5. Dreams. Have ideas. Dream big. chase your dreams. Sky's the limit people, and it's time we start acting like it. Dreams change the world.

6. Good underwear. They should make your boobs and butt look great. I've found cute underwear that I feel great in can drastically change how i feel about my body....at least for the day.

7.  Adventures. Mostly, i think we should invest in the unknown. Say yes to things that are scary and new and hold on for the ride.

8. You Family. You only get one, make sure your time with them isn't an after thought. They deserve to be a priority.

9. Your passion. Whatever it is. Make time for it and get the things you need for it. It'll make you happy.

10. Jesus. It's worth it even though its hard and makes you want to quit a lot.

-----------

things i'm into right now.

1. Comedy of all kinds
2. Classic Literature
3. Coffee with coconut
4. Amy Poehler.
5. Hazy, lazy summer sunsets
6. School Supplies
7. Spotify Playlists....check em out because they're the rarest
8. Listening.  I really want to hear people's stories, why they are the way they are, how they hope to be, what the hope to accomplish.
9. getting back into the blogging game
10. Boys who are funny and beautiful  (chris pratt, seth meyers, jimmy fallon)
11. New England. I belong in Cap Cod or Nantucket. Like actually.
12. anchors. forever.
13. my family. some of them are batshit crazy. The rest are incredible.
14. Headbands.

What we talk about when we talk about endings....

It seems that there are a lot of endings happening lately. Finales of sorts. Ends, tied up, neatly. Doors closed, locked from the inside.

I find myself staring at the closed chapter. Wishing to reread parts while simultaneously, wanting to run as far from it as possible. The juxtaposition of  the feeling of flight and nostalgia is something i can't quite articulate.

It's like have feet firmly planted but trying to run anyway.

And it's just....Well, it makes you have ALL THE FEELINGS about it. I will try to explain:
,
(I will tell you, as a side note, that my AP English teacher would be thrilled at how often i used the words dichotomy and juxtaposition in regular conversation. That, or, she'd still think i needed to be tested for ADHD and then i would cry)

My job is ending in 3 work days. It's great because I have a new full time teaching job in the fall, and also i hate my current job. But also sad because it never quite turned out to be what i wanted it to. My ideas what were going to happen were wrong, and i feel sad about that. I also feel sad about the people whom i love a lot that i will no longer see on a daily basis.

I was dumb and wrecked a car. I feel horribly ashamed, guilty and mad about this. First of all, i know how to take care of cars, i just fucked up. Second, now people think that this is how i am with cars. third...it has left be with out car and dependent upon really good people being overly generous with theirs. To the point where, again, i feel ashamed, guilty....etc.

I got a new car (i used the term "new" as loosely as humanly possible) which is great because it an now go see my family. But now have gone into debt to the aforementioned amazing human beings to buy said car. Have i mentioned that they left me live with them and dont' ask me to pay for anything? it's stupid how generous they are.  i feel so much guilt on the regular because it.

I  bought the car form the pastor i work for...and whos daughter i'm friends with who knows i had to buy her dads car and who also knows i had to borrow money from aforementioned rock stars

I can only imagine what the world thinks. I know it shouldn't matter but, to me, in  this moment it's all i can think about. Seriously. i just want to crawl in a hole.

gross, right? I am grateful, so grateful, like it makes me weepy grateful, but i'm sure i don't appear to be grateful enough.

What's enough, really? How do you even begin to show appropriate gratitude for people to whom you owe everything? Including your first born.....that is if you find a boy to love you, marry you and have babies with you.....in the next 3 years.

Chances are low. because me.

My Kindalls are moving out of Cottage Grove.Well, they are not really my Kindalls anymore and i still haven't quite come to terms with that. We've lived that last year in a half and partial strangers. That feels a lot like that chunk of my life is over. Which is good i need it to be over. I need that strings my heart was still attached to to be cut....but i miss what was. It's like i'm looking at everyone carrying on through a 2 way mirror and they have no idea i'm watching.

I need to stop watching. My best friend from college is engaged, another will soon follow, i'm sure. I haven't seen them  in forever. I haven't tried and neither have they.

And sometimes i have to learn by natural consequences.

I have a friend who is amazing and has also just left her job. and every time anyone sees me the first thing they ask about is her. Sometimes i feel like his Girl Friday.

I'm stuck in a transition funk. I'm trying really hard for gratitude to win. For thankfulness. For the rose colored optimism to take over.

If i had Amy Poehler's voice in my head, that would help.

But today, and this week it's been hard. It's been humbling, and it's made feel embarrassed and hurt.

And while i feel like the future is bright and amazing and the ride i'm boarding is going to kick all the ass, i sometimes try really hard to hold on to what's slipping away.

So, i'm excited and scared for what's to come. But i often find that those two emotions have the exact same body reaction.

I'm so thankful but worried i didn't say thank you enough. Worried that i didn't appreciate enough the lessons and the relationships.

I'm a mess of feelings. Tomorrow will be better and i will do a better job of appreciating the sweet moments while not having to hold back tears.

Guilt and shame and inadequacy are assholes

Goodbyes.

I'm an emotional thing. I cry often and easily over a range of things, including but not limited to: the news, cheerio commercials, books, songs and I once cried in a meeting about what the term "missional outpost" meant.

It was whole thing. 

I can't remember when, though, my tears not only turned on, but decided that they would be running the show. I sometimes act like I have any say in when the tears start to roll, but gone are the days when I would force tears out when something wasn't going my way (read: only child magic). These days, my tears own me, I am at their mercy. 

This talk of tears is related to the fact that I feel like I'm in a season of transition. Lots of hellogoodbyes happening all together at once. The tears these days are sad and sweet and they are shed to the dreamy folky playlist that is playing in my head (and on spotify playlist). I'm currently obsessed with "wildflowers" by Tom Petty. Right now I think it's beautiful and perfect. And summer goodbyes, are met with promise and anticipation, so everything feels wild and hazy. Like wheat fields at sunset. 

I've been really lucky in my short life, I haven't had to say goodbye to that many things and people of significance. Which explains why goodbyes feel big and important all the time. I think its important to do goodbyes well. They should be sweet and thoughtful and a mark that something important happened. I like closure, and tucking memories away for later. Even the ones that sting. Remembering is important, too.

I think the first time I felt the sting of goodbye, was before I went to college. Saying goodbye to high school was no big deal, my friends and i were on to bigger and better things. Saying goodbye to those people and that summer was probably the first time i ever felt how truly bittersweet life could be. 

The summer after my senior year of high school was one of the sweetest times in my life. My friends and I worked dumb jobs for little money during the day and them spent every waking moment outside of that together. We played tennis for hours, we star gazed, we went to graduation parties, listen to the beatles and queen blasting form our first cars as we drove around aimlessly.  We watched old SNL's and drank cherry coke until we were blue in the face. We;d stay up all night playing board games and eating bread bowls from perkins. (just the bread bowl, no salad obviously). We talked and laughed and made sweet, sweet memories that made us feel like we were in a movie. Everything was perfect. 

The night before we all went our separate ways, we all had dinner at a fancy Italian restaurant, called Angelinas.  Invitations were sent, fancy dress was required, and a table was reserved for me and my 10 best friends. We were test driving adulthood like bosses. Our friend Maggie had arrived and placed a perfect, thoughtful present at each of our seats, and our other friend katie made us mixed cd's to take with us. (sidenote: i still have that cd). 

We ate great food, the spent a long time laughing and remembering and savoring the time we had left. It's also one of my first experiences where the table and what happened there were deeply significant. 

After dinner, we all traded our fancy clothes and adulthood for ripped jeans and flip flops and high tailed it to our favorite spot in town....the fountains outside an 150 year old hotel. We laughed and splashed and took so many pictures, and finally, we'd reached our curfew and we all had to go home. Back in the Bay we had to be home on time because nothing good happens after midnight (so sayeth the lord, and my father). We piled in our cars and turned the music up loud and drove away from what was into what would be. 

We'd spend the next couple of days saying goodbye to each other as we all left at different times. The day I left, I went to my best friend Laura's house and said goodbye to her, her brother and her parents. I hugged her goodbye, which was weird because normally we were not huggers. I hugged her tight and for a long time. Then, I got in the car and drove off with my parents.... 

I hadn't felt sad until right then. I suddenly felt the weight of goodbye. As I headed west literally into the  sunset with my parents in the front seat and all my junk in the back  i knew that this goodbye was important, and significant, and then the tears came. 

I cried from gratitude, for the sweet friends I  had. For the tribe of people who made the teenage years suck less, the people with whom i had inside jokes and long talk about our futures. These peoples' names were written in the early rings of my heart. My first safe place to land.  

I cried because there is something sad about growing up. I was leaving parts of myself behind, shedding old skin, to put on new. Saying goodbye to the old normal to embrace a new one. Suddenly i was my parents daughter, but also an adult, and my entire life was head of me. 

My first goodbyes are hazy and sepia toned full of the promise of life ahead of us and the longing to always be together, like we were that summer. 

As i write this, i'm listing to "America" by Simon and Gfunk, and everything about this song reminds of me what the summer of being 18 felt like. 

This fist goodbye lead to some of the sweetest hellos and heartbreaking farewells i will ever know, i am so grateful for the way we loved each other that summer and for the ways we held each other together in the years that followed. 

We're all over the place now. We are writers, and teachers, and social workers, engineers, among other things.Some of us are married and some of us are still trying to figure it out. We've mostly lost touch, excpet of a few, but they were my first people and knew me when I was young and nervous  but especially....

they knew me in the days when i didn't cry. 

I want to be best friends with these people. please?

I've been thinking about what kinds of weird things make me,  a whole, real person and here's what i've come up with....

I love worn in jeans, and loose fitting tshirts. Flip flops and messy buns. I rock that casual life like a boss. I love funny, smart, quick people who don't take themselves too seriously.  I like reading all things from blogs to news articles to novels. Memoirs is my favorite things ever.

I have a tumblr, but i dont' really do much with it. I like audio books, navy blue and anchors. and stripes

I like happy endings, purple flowers, lavender and using honey as a sweetener. I like cucumbers and watermelon with salt and raspberries (without salt).

I love board games, making lists and dreaming big dreams. I love remembering, and my family. and having friends who feel like family.

I'm obsessed with SNL. I would do pretty much anything to be in the same room as Tina Fey and Amy Poehler. I love chicago. and i'm in love Nashville and Tennessee.

I wish i could live in stars hallow and be lorelai glimore. I love iced tea.

I'm horrible at accessories but i love them. I love sundress, especially ones that twirl, but i'd almost always rather be in leggings and flip flops. I love makeup but i'm terrible at applying it.

I feel strongly and passionately one way or the other about pretty much everything except what i want to do with my life.

I love acoustic music, good lyrics and pretty much everything that makes me cry.

If i love you, it's a roller-coaster. if i don't, it's ice cold.

there are somethings. not all, that are less weird than i think they are but have my name all over it.

i need a creative outlet....so maybe i'll start writing something more of substance in the coming weeks.

An open letter to students i've never met.

Dear Future Students,

You don't know me yet and I don't know you, but I'm already thinking about you and praying for our year together.

I'm not going to lie, it's going to be... a whole thing. I'm nervous for a bunch of reasons but mostly, because I'VE NEVER TAUGHT SPANISH. ever. like not once.

One time I tutored a half a pair of twins into not failing Spanish and life. but those were stranger circumstances and i don't think i'd ever do it again.

All that to say, I hope this year is memorable....not in an "i survived" kind of tv show way...i promise you wont have to chew off your own arm to survive or eat something gross and raw...although if fiestas don't include guac, imma be pissed.

But seriously, i hope this year takes you to a place you never thought you'd get to and you do things you've never done. You see, we're kind of in this together, as much as i'm supposed to be expert on things...i promise i will learn as much from you as you will from me.

Also, i'm teaching some English, too, which i'm supper jazzed about, but also...nervous...why? Because I don't want to fail you. I want to build you up. I want you to know that you can do anything you want. I want to push you work hard and be proud of what you've accomplished. I don't want a school system of fail you.

Here's what I know: I'm not perfect.  Not even close. But I love Jesus and I believe in education. I believe in YOU.  I will try hard, I will help you. I will love you. I will pray for you. I will try hard to remind you all the time that you are fearfully and wonderfully made. I believe in the power of words and i want to help you find your voice.

Sometimes i'll be hard on you. Sometimes you'll be confused and wont get it. Sometimes, we'll be speaking different languages (literally and not so literally)...but we'll be okay.

This year will be a ride, it's a lot of firsts for all of us, but I know God is faithful and he'll carry us.

So. I hope you know much how much i care. I hope you understand how much i'm for you and what you to succeed. And if at the end of the year, you can feel that.

We've aced the year.

So, until we meet. know that i'm making space in my head and heart for you.