Well, maybe not sad but joy juxtaposed with like an ache.
Hold on to....something... because this is gonna be a whole thing.....
I had dinner with my old best friend. You know the one, and while i'm happy to say that we've gotten to a place where we can totally have dinner and good, normal conversation, it's still a tender spot.
Because there are still some things i miss, and i wish i didn't. Life would be so much easier if i weren't always comparing the then and now.
So. much. easier.
It's a weird feeling to sit on the other side of the table from someone who used to know you so well, and look at them and have no idea what's actually going on in their lives. So weird. It still makes me have to catch my breath.
Also, when you're asking about house, and grad school, and wedding plans. It seems one of us got our shit together. Also. I'm asking about wedding plans that, in theory, in a world where things have gone differently, I would be helping plan.
I would be writing a speech, and crying about dress options and isn't so great that life is working out.
Instead, outside looking in.
It's the way it's supposed to be, honestly. I don't miss my college tribe like i thought i would. Like i hoped i would. I secretly hoped that deep down there would be this urge, in all of us, to keep us together. That the winds of change would not blow us around, but that's just not truth.
We're all doing our own thing, except sometimes, they all do things together.
For a hot minute i think about what i walked away from. The people i chose over the others, and what has it gotten me? Well, turns out not much because I don't talk about to anyone now. But it's also gotten me a lot, too...because well...A-Team.
Do you see? ALL THE FEELINGS. My heart is so confused about what to feel. Honestly, Im happy for all my (former?) friends. They all deserve happiness in copious amounts.
I think the really sad thing is that, I miss the potential of what we could be, more than i miss the reality of who we were.
Does that make me a terrible person? I AM A VERBAL PROCESSOR WITH NO ONE TO PROCESS WITH.
Because....former best friend. Also...she was wearing one of my old mittens and one of her old mittens she does it on purpose. What am i supposed to do with that.
Also....do they miss me? They never say if they do. So i assume no, and then i feel sad about that.
feels. all of them.
Second thing:
Another old friend (listen, it was a time these last two years, i'll tell you) who has the ability to make me the most insecure human on the planet has surfaced again. And actually it's been not that big of a deal because our circles don't really over lap anymore....until they do.... and then my heart takes over and completely silences the rational parts of my brain.
I convince myself I need to go into self preservation mode...so...my walls go all the way up to the sky and I just assume that everyone i love is going to like her better....because she's smarter, more endearing, loves jesus more, is funnier.....any and all of it.... I have no cards to play when she is the room. there just isn't room for the two of us in the same room.
And it's hard to compete with...because when it comes to life and friends and people....i don't like to compete...but i feel like i have to...because self preservation.
Well...anyway...out of the blue she asked when we could see each other.
*internal alarm* I want to feel included so i want to see her kind of? But i also don't because its makes a mess out of my when i do. I don't like feeling insecure. I don't like not being able to have real conversations, or be able to trust the person you're talking to.
Over all though, i'd say i'm doing an okay job of coexisting. I do, at my core, wish the best for her....because i'm not a total asshole...i just tread lightly after i've stepped on land mines.
Also, fuck friend skipping. that's not a thing. Also...why do relationships have to be so complicated.
Also i feel real guilty about whatever the eff happened there and it wasn't even my fault. I feel like i need to concede and things can go back to normal....moral of the story is that apparently, you shouldn't go to bat for me because it causes issues, and then you feel bad about that.
It must be nice to never have to worry about being replaced...even when you don't know what place you hold. It must be nice when people put effort into their relationship with you.
I used to be someone best girl. I used to be the first phone call, and the surprise adventure partner. I used to be part of the stories, and i just miss that, you know? The security that comes with that.
I pretty sure, thought, that's not how we are supposed to live....we're not supposed to have bests.
i'm almost to the point when i can remember, in both instances, the way we were, without having to catch my breath. It almost doesn't hurt to remember what life was like before it fell apart. I can smile about memories without following it with....but then everything changed.
Change has been good in a lot of ways. It was three years ago this week that the A-team became a thing...and I'm silently celebrating and saying quite prayers of gratitude because no one likes to celebrate anniversaries like i do. But i like to commemorate things that changed my life.
Also, i haven't been sleeping well...and i couldn't tell you why. But here we are at 1:00am again and i'm wide awake. dumb.
I saw my college girls tonight. I love them. so much. They are the best thing that came out of my last job.
i'm just rambling. I know. verbal processor. but, i'm actually so, genuinely happy right now. I love my job, christmas was great, i love my family times a billion...but these things...that make me feel a lot of things....i need to dismantle them sometimes, and take time to feel them and understand them.
Thankfully my fancy healthy insurance.,....(read:just regular but it's been some times since I've had it) covers therapy. Maybe it's time.
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