slow motion accident....

So, among other things i'm trying to be better at, I'm trying to make prayer and devos a daily habit. 

I pretty much suck at it, but this one is really speaking to me lately. 

As the rain hides the stars,As the autumn mist hides the hills,
As the clouds veil the blue of the sky,
So the dark happenings of my lot
Hide the shining of your face from me.
Yet, if I may hold your hand in darkness,
It is enough, since I know that,
Though I may stumble in my going,
You do not fall.

things you (can't) tell just by looking at her:

i'm hiding behind a smile.

This is my life and i want you to know that i'm both happy and sad.
and still trying to figure out how that can be.
it seems strange.
i'm not crazy
or depressed really,
just trying to make it through the day
without falling
or failing
or making anyone mad.
or disappointed

i'm just a little scared. and overwhelmed.
there are a couple dents in my fender.

sometimes i put my pillow over my head and let the quiet
put things where they are supposed to be.
things i can't put away on my own.
quiet seems to do that.

sometimes the quiet get too loud.
and then i listen to beautiful songs
and i believe for 3:34
that the world is beautiful
and doens't mean to break your heart

in my head, i know that this is just "life"
and actually, what makes it beautiful
but being in the tick of it,
it doens't seem so lovely.

Even with all the overwhelming feelings
the ones that threaten to crush me
the ones that mess everything up.
There is still a lot of happiness
and reasons to smile.

The times where there is laughter
real laughter. the kind that involves your whole body.
and tears. and sore cheeks
those are the times to wait for.

The stress melts
into a puddle that floats away
and happy takes over
hearts feel lighter
love penentrates the ugly
the light starts to shine
and another day begins.

Curtain Call...

Curtain calls are strange,  you know?

It's both a happy and sad occasion. Everyone's happy. The show is over, the hard work is acknowledged, the lights shine brightly on all the right people, the important people. The show just wouldn't have been the same without them.

We applaud, and smile and jump to our feet with pride. The smiles and laughter are real. Genuine. From the gut authentic.

And yet, there are pangs of sadness that jolt us back to reality. Once the curtain closes, all that's left is what we thought about our time here. Nostalgia will drip from pictures, and songs, and phrases and we will remember this time fondly.

even if it wasn't always as perfect as we remember, and it wasn't. I prefer to remember that the possibilities were endless, that friendships lasted, and promises were kept. Love was real and always present.

So, i'll smile at this curtain call. I'll laugh about all the things that led to this point. I'll look around and be thankful for everyone, but i'll do it with a heart that's a little heavier than normal, and with tears welling in my eyes, ready for the sign that it's ok to fall.

Because when the curtain closes for the last time, the lights turn off, and the people go home, a new page starts.

And that's scary, and exciting, and beautiful, and, if we're lucky, a few cast mates will make cameos in later acts.

And then we'll be able to remember. how good it was and how good it is to be reminded.  though the scenes might have changed, and some of the cast members, the characters stay the same.

I don't know what any of this means, really, except that endings are sad, and so are transitions, and i'm not good at either. but im trying to be better.  I know that life goes on, and it will likely be better, but the sound of the sliding curtain is being heard so i have to get ready for my final bow.

Scene.

reminders....

i used to be a little bit more awkard than i am now, and people still loved me. In fact, they probably loved me more...because my awkwardness is endearing, and there is something sweet about people who just kind of don't get it....

I also used to sprint up my basement stairs because my basement freaked me out. Even when i was a teen ager. Dark and creepy still gets the best of me.

i used to write letters and cards,and get letters and be way more intentional about far away friends. Those letter reminded me of how much we cared about staying connected. I keep it all because it's a tangeble reminder of love.

One time, my high school tried to ban a book. I, as a senior, lead a group of students and parents to fight against this banning, which is a pretty big deal considering i was only 17 at the time.

I love country music, playing board games, going for drives, christmas lights, sitting around at my grandma's house watching the golden girls.

i love jesus, and traditions, and saying the Lord's prayer with a church full of people.

I love cardigans and the color pink, and wearing ribbons, and the wizard of oz.

and high school friends who've been there, and are still there and are really just rooting for me. and them, and everyone because we just love each other.

and having coffee in the morning with my dad, and playing cribbage and reading before bed.

and just being home. with my family. and laughing about everything and nothing.

and having people be proud of me for just makin' it through 27 years alive and still having a smile on face.

all i needed was a reminder, and Geebs always does that for me.

(thank)full heart.

Thanksgiving is upon us. There are very few things i love more than the Holiday Season, and there a very few things that i love more than telling everyone just how much i love them.

Though, sometimes I worry that words start becoming empty when used too often. Still, my heart has a big mouth.

I am super jazzed to go back the pride land (Read: Green Bay) and spend time with my family doing nothing but watching tv, playing card games i will mostly likely lose, laughing, and eating. i'll do a lot eating.

I could give you a laundry list of things that I'm thankful for that include good health, and family and friends, and living in a beautiful city. While all those things are true, the thing i am MOST thankful for  this year is Faithfulness.

Faithfulness? really? Well, yes.

I am thankful that i have a Faithful God. A God who provides. gives me my daily bread, answers prayers and keeps his promise about having big plans for me, who actively pursues my heart every.single.day.

I'm thankful for the faithfulness of my friends. Who even when I've said awful things, or been self-centered, or been a Grade A Drama Queen continue to love me. support me. help me, and tell me the truth. Now, i don't know quite how to articulate how much of a big deal this is, but it is. Being an OC, i have no idea what it is like to have siblings, but through these lovely people i get a sneak peak.

And then there is faithfulness from my family, who is not without flaws, but i doubt I could be loved more fiercely by anyone. They love me in a way that is literally incomprehensible to me. After all the times i've fallen on my face, been home sick, gotten "brilliant ideas" that are short lived, they are still the most supportive people i have ever known. They have taught me how to be a true woman of God.

The faithfulness of my mentors and people in my community who put their faith in me to be a leader/a learner and an active participant. is beautiful. The things i have learned from them because to their faithfulness and diligence have been priceless. The most important think i learn from them every day is how to abide and have strong faith. Gah. i love them.

Apparently, it takes  village to make sure this 20-something don't fall apart, and I definitely do not make it easy. I love my village with my entire heart.

That being said, I am thankful for stumbles, and conflicts, and trials because it's through those things that i understand resolution, diligence, hard work, honesty, love  and above all, faithfulness.

I am so thankful.

things that make me smile.

one of my favorite things as of late....

“ May God bless you with discomfort
At easy answers, half-truths, and superficial relationships,
So that you may live deep within your heart.
May God bless you with anger
At injustice, oppression and exploitation of people,
So that you may work for justice, freedom and peace.
May God bless you with tears
To shed for those who suffer pain, rejection, hunger, and war,
So that you may reach out your hand to comfort them
And turn their pain into joy.
And may God bless you with enough foolishness
To believe that you can make a difference in the world,
So that you can do what others claim cannot be done
To bring justice and kindness to all our children and the poor. "

-Franciscan Blessing