Thoughts on today.

There is not a sadness that cannot be cured by breakfast food. or the gilmore girls.

I would really just like to school to start. I need christmas break to be over.


Also, i would just like to say that i didn't used to be crazy.

The way we were...

Some things happened today that made me have all the feelings. All of them.  I always get so weirded out by my ability to to be both happy and sad at the same time.  

Well, maybe not sad but joy juxtaposed with like an ache. 

Hold on to....something... because this is gonna be a whole thing.....

I had dinner with my old best friend. You know the one, and while i'm happy to say that we've gotten to a place where we can totally have dinner and good, normal conversation, it's still a tender spot. 

Because there are still some things i miss, and i wish i didn't. Life would be so much easier if i weren't always comparing the then and now. 

So. much. easier. 

It's a weird feeling to sit on the other side of the table from someone who used to know you so well, and look at them and have no idea what's actually going on in their lives. So weird. It still makes me have to catch my breath. 

Also, when you're asking about house, and grad school, and  wedding plans. It seems one of us got our shit together. Also. I'm asking about wedding plans that, in theory, in a world where things have gone differently, I would be helping plan. 

I would be writing a speech, and crying about dress options and isn't so great that life is working out. 

Instead, outside looking in. 

It's the way it's supposed to be, honestly. I don't miss my college tribe like i thought i would. Like i hoped i would. I secretly hoped that deep down there would be this urge, in all of us, to keep us together. That the winds of change would not blow us around, but that's just not truth. 

We're all doing our own thing, except sometimes, they all do things together.  

For a hot minute i think about what i walked away from. The people i chose over the others, and what has it gotten me? Well, turns out not much because I don't talk about to anyone now. But it's also gotten me a lot, too...because well...A-Team.

Do you see? ALL THE FEELINGS.  My heart is so confused about what to feel. Honestly, Im happy for all my (former?) friends. They all deserve happiness in copious amounts. 

I think the really sad thing is that, I miss the potential of what we could be, more than i miss the reality of who we were. 

Does that make me a terrible person? I AM A VERBAL PROCESSOR WITH NO ONE TO PROCESS WITH. 

Because....former best friend.  Also...she was wearing one of my old mittens and one of her old mittens she does it on purpose. What am i supposed to do with that. 

Also....do they miss me? They never say if they do. So i assume no, and then i feel sad about that. 

feels. all of them. 

Second thing: 

Another old friend (listen, it was a time these last two years, i'll tell you) who has the ability to make me the most insecure human on the planet has surfaced again. And actually it's been not that big of a deal because our circles don't really over lap anymore....until they do.... and then my heart takes over and completely silences the rational parts of my brain. 

I convince myself I need to go into self preservation mode...so...my walls go all the way up to the sky and I just assume that everyone i love is going to like her better....because she's smarter, more endearing, loves jesus more, is funnier.....any and all of it.... I have no cards to play when she is the room. there just isn't room for the two of us in the same room. 

And it's  hard to compete with...because when it comes to life and friends and people....i don't like to compete...but i feel like i have to...because self preservation. 

Well...anyway...out of the blue she asked when we could see each other. 

*internal alarm* I want to feel included so i want to see her kind of? But i also don't because its makes a mess out of my when i do. I don't like feeling insecure. I don't like not being able to have real conversations, or be able to trust the person you're talking to.  

Over all though, i'd say i'm doing an okay job of coexisting. I do, at my core, wish the best for her....because i'm not a total asshole...i just tread lightly after i've stepped on land mines. 

Also, fuck friend skipping. that's not a thing. Also...why do relationships have to be so complicated. 

Also i feel real guilty about whatever the eff happened there and it wasn't even my fault. I feel like i need to concede and things can go back to normal....moral of the story is that apparently, you shouldn't go to bat for me because it causes issues, and then you feel bad about that. 

It must be nice to never have to worry about being replaced...even when you don't know what place you hold. It must be nice when people put effort into their relationship with you. 

I used to be someone best girl. I used to be the first phone call, and the surprise adventure partner. I used to be part of the stories, and i just miss that, you know? The security that comes with that. 

I pretty sure, thought, that's not how we are supposed to live....we're not supposed to have bests. 

 i'm almost to the point when i can remember, in both instances, the way we were, without having to catch my breath. It almost doesn't hurt to remember what life was like before it fell apart. I can smile about memories without following it with....but then everything changed. 

Change has been good in a lot of ways. It was three years ago this week that the A-team became a thing...and I'm silently celebrating and saying quite prayers of gratitude because no one likes to celebrate anniversaries like i do. But i like to commemorate things that changed my life. 

Also, i haven't been sleeping well...and i couldn't tell you why. But here we are at 1:00am again and i'm wide awake.  dumb. 

I saw my college girls tonight. I love them. so much. They are the best thing that came out of my last job. 

i'm just rambling. I know.  verbal processor. but, i'm actually so, genuinely happy right now. I love my job, christmas was great, i love my family times a billion...but these things...that make me feel a lot of things....i need to dismantle them sometimes, and take time to feel them and understand them. 

Thankfully my fancy healthy insurance.,....(read:just regular but it's been some times since I've had it) covers therapy.  Maybe it's time.

And we'll live and laugh, in the time that we have....

 A lot of people don't like the final week of the year. It's nestled between the quiet, simplicity of christmas and the sparkly potential of the new years.  I get that everything is a bit confused, and we all eat the wrong things.

But it's actually my favorite.  I feel like time stops just long enough to actually enjoy what life is offering us.

In this last week, we get the opportunity to look at how far we've come, to remember all the sweet, quite moments that have marked us. Of course there is the hard stuff, but we get to look at that, too, from the other side. We get to learn from it and be real thankful that it's not still happening, or in the case that it is, that nothing lasts forever.

My entire existence is a rosey, pinky, gold. Everything is blanketed in snow, which adds extra sparkle, and cheeks are rosey from cold and champaign. Houses are cozy and smell like the holidays, there is extra laughter, and clinking of drinks and toasts for newer, better years. The people you love are together. There is something super special that happens when most of the people you love are under one roof for a period of time. The space feels sacred and there is richness even in the silences. Even those silences and pauses and steeped with history and traditions.

I cannot get over how beautiful this time of year is. And, maybe there is something to that "homecoming" feeling you get with fall. It happens here to. We all just get back to who are are, who we are in bones. Our roots.

or, maybe i have a tendency to romanticize  everything.  Or maybe it's a combination.

During this week three years ago, i got lock out of the apartment i was....housesitting? I don't know what to call it. It was a whole thing. Long story short, I ended up locked out of the place where all my stuff was locked in. I literally had one change of clothes and like...$50 with me....and i was stuck for....a couple of days....because holidays.

Anyway, that week three years ago...changed a lot of things for me. It changed the way i thought about family, it changed the way i thought about community, it changed how i asked for what i need....it changed me in profound, noticeable ways.

it ushered me into my 30's in a way that made me understand the importance of the people around you, and what it means to love people the way they need it, it showed me how to be vulnerable and for it to be okay. It showed me how to be broken but not stay that way.

So year, the last week of the year, it has a tender little spot in my heart, and i hope that never changes.

This week this year? Well, I'm finding that there's a lot to be thankful for. That the smiles, laughter and the joy out weight the things and times that have been hard. And even when things were hard or sad, there was always something to be thankful for.


Thank you, 2015, for all you've been, for all you've taught me, for the endless second chances and grace that is constantly given. You won't soon be forgotten.

I hope you're finding time to appreciate this time of year. I hope you look back and see where God has been ever present. How he's seen you though the twists and turns of year and how you've actually made it.

I hope your cheeks are rosey from the warmth of the season, I hope you can feel the beautiful potential that awaits you in 2016, and I hope you take some time to tell your special band of weirdos that you love them.

The house that built me.

I talk a lot about what it feels like to have my heart in two places.

Half of my heart is in Wisconsin, along with my roots.

As I get older, I learn more and more what a lovely life i have, and what incredible parents i have.

Parents who have sacrificed immensely so that I wouldn't have to worry about a lot of things people worry about. They've put their dreams and their things on the shelf for me. So that I could experience the life.

They said "no" plenty, but always to the right things. I wasn't spoiled rotten and I don't think i'm a brat, but you have my parents to thank for that. We never had a ton. My parents worried about money, they both worked hard, but i never had to go without. I don't have siblings, but i never felt alone. I fought with my mom, but i know she's the loves me more than anyone. She is strong, and funny, and sassy, and honest, resilient. My dad, he isn't perfect, but he is really good at being a dad. He is such a good man.

My parents are kind and generous and they raised me to be the same. They care about other people more than themselves in ways that are subtle and unassuming but so incredibly profound.

They do small things, every day that make other peoples lives better, and they honestly don't care about the recognition or the praise. They do it, because it's the right thing to do.

I have never doubted their love for me, or that they would move heaven and earth for me. They're such good people and i'm so thankful for them.

If you haven't noticed, I kind of lost myself a long the way for a minute, and finding all the missing pieces can some times take awhile...a long time....but the thing is, while you're looking, the people that love you are just there...waiting for you, helping you, loving you. It's not until you're on the other side, or at least half way through, that you even understand that they were always there.

And you're heart could just bust, because they're so great, and they don't ask for anything in return, even when you've been such  jerk, and so sad and dramatic.

the holidays are always good. I always remember who i am, and where i came from. I am a sucker for  traditions that are generations deep and centered around jesus.

I know where I come form and how important it is, i just need to be reminded from time to time. Growing up is so weird, and hard, and cool and sad and beautiful but there is no manual on how to do it.  It's nice to settle in the spot that always waiting for you. It's nice to be able to understand the importance of your family and your traditions.

And to just be grateful for all you have,  for all that people have done for you, and for all the people that walk along side you.

I think I've decided that my word for 2016 is "gratitude" for a lot of reasons, but mostly because i've spent too much time being real selfish, and it's time to give credit where it's due. It's time if flip my lens off me and on to something more important.

I'm real rambley, gushy, grateful mess. I have a lot to say, so, i'm sure there will be more to come this week.

Tomorrow, maybe i'll tell you why this week leading up to the new year is so sweet and special to me.  

For now, my parents, they're real special, and i love them with my whole entire being.

I like to reflect on the past year because I think it says a lot about who we are.

When i think of this year, 2015, in general, has been kind of hard. It was hard to work at a job I learned to hate. It was hard to watch people treat people I love a lot poorly. It was hard to watch myself being systematically being phased out of a job.

It was hard to imagine how i would even manage to find my groove again.

It was hard to imagine how we'd all transition out of the comfortable and into the unknown. It was hard to imagine ever feel like you'd find a church you'd like a lot again.

It hard to grow and change and process the 10000 type of possibilities that lie ahead.

What i have noticed, more than anything is that faith is hard. Trust is hard. Trusting God, yes, but trusting other people with your delicate self.

But i've seen the winds change, i've felt it in the air and in my bones. Change has come, and God had provided.

And i just watch him continue to provide. Abundantly in some ways, manna in others. Provision though, is all we really need to keep going.

My life, and the lives of my friends are just testaments to a faithful God and that's a pretty incredible take away from the year.

i just made it through  my first semester back of teaching after a many moon hiatus.

Teaching classes i've never taught before including a foreign language.

I just finished my grades.

I love my kids.

and there is no one to celebrate with. So i'm going to run around st. paul like it's my job.

It all comes down to a day, act like we all start over with a pristine slate...

December is secretly the prettiest month, don't tell October, or November, but it is.

It sparkly, and cozy, and smells like tradition, and laughter and belonging.

December, reminds us. It reminds us that we belong to a place and people. It reminds us that promises   are kept. It reminds us of who we are, what has made us, and that we've gotten so far. This far.

And lived to tell.  We tell stories that, now, seem funny, or ridiculous or sweet. Or they're hard, and we look at the people around us, reminding us that people stick together. All of them tell a story about Jesus, and what the kingdom can look like.

December, wraps ups years of love, and memories and traditions that hang thick in the air and creates a space to pull all them out. To scatter everything across the floor and relive, remember, and believe in so many things.

December also gives us Hope.  Hope for more sparkles and pops of laughter, hope of a new year. The turns that lie ahead can be navigated with some maps and tour guides. Hope that we have pages of empty pages.

Full of opportunity to love each other well, to grow and evolve. and laugh and cry and learn. And relearn, and fall and try and say i'm sorry. and to forgive.

I am obsessed with the idea of new years. Flickers of gold that dance as it catches the light. The laughter fills the room and cheeks are flushed from the cold and laughter and champaign.

We remember collective and hope together. We hold hands, and count down and hug each other.

We linger after mid-night. We squeeze our hands as we release them, we hold each other tighter just for a minute we hug. We just move a little slower, we in the moment a minute longer, we settle in to belonging and wear it like a favorite sweater.

December is one of my favorites. She's a gem, often not celebrated for what she brings to the table.

We don't have snow yet, to tuck us in to this season, but there is plenty of soft, sparkly light, igniting in us a feeling of what Christmas is really kind of about.

That we belong somewhere. That we can't do it alone.  We are all the same. We are broken and imperfect and in desperate need of Jesus.

Sometimes, he is hard to find, and feels so far away, so we need each other to reflect him off of the pieces of ourselves.

So December just might be a front runner for the most lovely, and i think October will be okay with it, because October understand the need for home and belonging and for remembering.

Leave the lights on, I always find my way back home.

What do you want me to do for you?

So, Advent is the jam. Right? Like I get goosebumps talking about how Jesus is the real deal.

He is literally it. He is a promise kept. He's hope. He's the light. He's all the things, and he came as this little bitty baby. This tiny little thing who literally couldn't do anything by himself for a time.

who learned to walk and talk and....get potty trained? I don't know, I'm assuming. Or maybe the Holy Spirit just took care of that developmental step. Who's knows, but I'm gonna ask when i get to heaven.

I like to think that Jesus' tailbone also fused when he was 12 and he couldn't even, either. I like to think about Jesus as a boy, I'm going to ask about that too. Was he scared? How did he feel when kids were mean to him? were kids mean? Were there things that were hard for him? Did he try and get frustrated? did he cut himself while woodworking? DID HE HEAL Immediately? I HAVE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.

I've been thinking about what it means, practically to be more like Jesus. Like for real. Because just loving people more, or better, or being more tolerant, those things are hard. We can talk about those things, but what does that look like.

And at church today, they hit the nail on the head. To be more like Jesus is to be more human. Like to feel things. To feel the injustice, to feel the brokenness, to be able to grieve and celebrate for real with the people around you.

To be human is to be vulnerable, to be a part of something bigger, to do things, to act, and speak and think in a way that reflects that God has kept his promises, that salvation is ours and that we already have victory over death.

So we have nothing to be afraid of. WE can love hard, we can go to dark places, we can be honest about life because it's hard and scary and always changing...but it's cool because Jesus has gone before us, ya know? We can embrace the hard, we can power through it because we know it's not forever.

That's something you can take right to the bank.

So being vulnerable enough to ask the Messiah for what we want should be easy, but it's not because fallen world. Because it's not easy to shake insecurity and fear.

But here's what i want:

1. I want believe that i'm not going to be alone forever. Like at some point some boy will love me enough to want to hang out with me every day of this life and well into the next. I don't hate being single, I'm real good at it, but i don't want to be alone forever. that seems sad. I've just gotten it in my head that this is sort of it for me....but what if it isn't?

2. I want my sparkle back. I want to be find the passion that radiates out of me again. I wan to feel like i'm surrounded by a community of people who are all working to make the world better.

3. I want forgivness to come easier and jealousy to go away. I want to stop being so scared of being replaced.

4. I would really like to get my self-confidence back. Sometimes (more often than not) i don't see or talk to myself like i'm made for a purpose and in the image of God. I want to be okay with my body and believe that i really do have skills and qualities that people love and need.

I realize that nothing on this list is surprising, but i fight these battles in my head like every day...well...not everyday but a lot and it kind of sucks a lot. It get in the way for things that could be awesome things. These things keep people are arms length. It causes me to be flippant and sassy as a defense.

It's not a great way to live. I didn't use to be like that, and i want to shake it off.

This advent has been a lot about rediscovering things buried deep under all the debris of life...like when a piece of something shiny catches the light when everything is covered in dust. Like things you've forgotten...and you dust off, and immediately remember the second you see them.

That feeling, that nostalgia. That's hope. Hope that things always work out and we always just figure it out.

And that people really are good at the core.

So, what do you want? It is time you start asking for it?

There's hope and the snow is falling....(well, not the second part, but soon, hopefully)

Okay, I know. I didn't write yesterday, again. I have failed. Its only the 12th day of Advent. I know.

Today was a good day.

Nothing big happened today, and plenty of things happened that were kind of annoying. But there was more laughter than frustration, there was more gratitude than envy, there was more comfort than insecurity.

There's something about spending the day with your people, especially during the holiday's that make you feel like everything's gonna be alright.

When 2015 started, it felt like we were all coming off a couple of years of really hard stuff. As we all jumped into 2015 together, arms linked, and fingers crossed. we vowed this would be the year, (like all the years past). This year, we'd figure it out.

It? Life, relationships, careers, jesus, we will get a handle on any and all of it.

Well, I don't know that we unlocked any keys to anythings, but I think we're getting it together.

There have been job changes, there have been big dreams, big fights, big tears, big hugs, big apologies, big love.

I suppose the hard thing is to grow and change while running parallel, but also grow and change together. It's tricky, it's hard and sometimes it almost breaks your heart, or at the very least your spirit when you see people you love struggling or being treated poorly or just trying to figure out what to do when the unknown seems so scary.

But the thing about community, about your tribe of someones, is you figure it out. You pray, and cry and asks lots of questions, and slam doors ( i mean, if you're me). sometimes you grab hands are drag people behind out as you trudge forward, sometimes you're being dragged.

What you discover is that you really do want everyone to have their best chance at happiness. You want them to have the boldness to step out on faith and follow their dreams, to do the thing they are designed to do. You want to help them get there because that's what love looks like.

So you fast and pray for them, you talk over the same topic 1903 times, you leave each other encouraging notes, you hug each other when you're scared. And you all come out alive.

Do we have anything figured out? No, not really. We're not making boatloads of money, and we're not sure what lies ahead but I'll tell you this: We are well on our way.  We've taken really scary steps, we've done hard things, we've tried, and been there for each other every. single. step of the way.

So 2015 wasn't the year where we got our shit together because the honest truth is that will probably NEVER happen. Life is kinda supposed to be messy and unsure, that's part of it's charm.  BUT we're eating better, we're better versions of ourselves, and we've make forward motion. We've loved each other through all of it.

And today we laughed a lot, we ate together, we played together.  It reminded me so much of why I fell in love with this house. That kitchen table and the people that surround it. That feeling i got when things just make sense, when your heart feels like it's found missing pieces of it's self.

So, this year didn't really bring us our wildest dreams, but I think it brought us back to each other. Back to a time and a feeling that Jesus is kind of working some magic here. The story that's being written is one that we want to be a part of.

Love looks like regular Saturdays in December filled with laughter and love and mess and tacos and dogs wearing diapers.

We're finding our ways, and it's kind of amazing.

I did not write yesterday, and I actually feel bad about it. Tonight, though,  I know I have to write something, but coming up with it on the fly is hard sometimes, because well...my brain is tired.

So I'm going to give you a list of things...

1. Every day in my 3rd hour class, a boy named Justin asked me if i'm "rattled" and it make me laugh every all the time.

2. The 9th graders have a piece of my heart. I adore them. every last one of them.

3. There are times when i think about what would happen if there was an intruder in our school. I think about it more than i should probably, but i know that if it were to happen, I would take a bullet (or many) for those kids.  Because I love them but also because I believe in Jesus.

4. I am so into Advent.

5. I would really like it to snow. Like big, fluffy, snow globe flakes.

6. i wanna go ice skating.

7. i am so excited for christmas, it's ridiculous.

8. i just want to bake cookies and sit around in my jimmies and listen to good music

9. I miss Sam and Julia

10.  I don't miss a lot of things i thought i would

11.  Turns out that sometimes i'm selfish and I want to keep my friend(s) to myself.

12. I don't understand where that comes from. i'm not normally like that.

13. I peel off my nail polish when i feel anxious

14. I've almost made it through 1 semester of school.

15. I really, really do love kids. So much.

16. I like going to church again. (but like i'm not going to admit that to some people for a minute)

17. SISTERS COMES OUT IN ONE WEEK.

18. Someones took my Yes, Please book and i don't know who it is. I'm tempted to just buy a new one.

19. I have been unreasonably emotional lately. So many feelings.

20.  Sometimes my reaction to life just surprise me.

Help me count these blessing like I should....

You might not know it by looking at it, but this little guy used to hang on my grandma's Christmas tree for 40+ years. It has seen some christmases for the books.

It was watched my mother as a girl, and a teen ager, becoming who she will be. It has watched my mother become a mother, and her mother become a grandmother.

It has watched me become the many facets of the girl I was and am and hope to be. It has seen us through the coolest winters, 10 foot snow firsts, hot chocolate, snow forts and sleep overs.

It has watched newly weds learn how to become a family, and  parents and has watched 20 years of marriage become 30 and 40 and 50 and then some. It's watched us say goodbye to my grandpa, for now. It has been with us through the Christmases where sadness has hung in the air like too many ornaments on one branch. It's been with us through so much laughter and love and becoming. So much becoming.

My grandparents are just incredible humans. I have never doubted their love, not even for a second. They have always been such a safe and warm place, they have held our family together in more ways than one. To have the same ornaments hang on a new tree make my heart swell.

This guy has gotten a new life, as of late. This little guy who was given to me, as an adult to hang on my tree, is now watching my Wisconsin roots planted firmly here in Minnesota soil.

It now hangs on the A-team's tree, and i cannot think of a more perfect spot for it. It will now hang on these tree branches as it watches a whole new wave of people becoming through laughter and tears and the in between. It will watch a 10 year old boy become 12, and 15 and then 20 and then....it will watch another marriage go from 12 years to 24 year and then some.

It's funny how life spirals on itself and there are little things along the way to help you remember. I was so overwhelmed by school and being broke, which is the worst. I was so caught up in the idea that i couldn't get the people i loved so much really great presents and i have so much to do between now and christmas....i just totally lost track of my damn mind.

Then I took some time to breath. It's real important to just own when you've been a jerk, which for me, is more often than not lately. but it just gave me a lot of perspective.

Sitting in a living room (in really great slipper because your pal is the best ever) unwrapping christmas ornaments that drip of history and nostalgia and christmases past. Handmade, and homemade. Hearing the stories, laughing , being overcome with so much simple sweetness and really marveling at how our lives our woven together. To add ornaments from my side of there river. And there they hang.

Kindred.

I was just super overwhelmed by how moving the whole thing was (also, hormones, so many feels). I like it when i'm able to tangibly see how our lives have come together. How before our paths collided that we were kind of always more similar than different.

And to know the stories behind the ornaments, to hold it in your hand so carefully.

Sometimes reminders of what important are just really beautiful and really simple and if you're lucky, they're sparkly, too.

I am just so thankful. So incredibly thankful for this time that it makes me weepy.

Turns out, I have a special skill. It is putting my foot directly into my mouth, which is super hard because i'm the most inflexible human that ever walked the earth.

flexible in terms of physicality.

Because flexible in terms or like going with the flow i'm better at.

I'm just not good at being human lately. ugh.

I really want it to be christmas break. I want to lay around in my pjs, i want to just be cozy and off of school for a minute.

I need to go christmas shopping. So far, i have a total of 1 present. Being broke is the worst. Thankfully i should be able to get it all done next week.

Also. Ally McBeal is the best choice.

I wrote two things yesterday. this counts.

There are times in your life when you get to cross paths with people who spend their whole lives making other people's lives better.

If you're lucky, you get to be loved by them. You get to do life with them. You get to experience their special type of magic.

Homemade sunshine. Unicorns. Four Leaf Clovers.

Their type of love that makes everything feel okay, even when you 100% convinced that the world is ending. The type of love that makes your favorite food and listens to you freak the eff out about the same thing 19000 times because she knows its the only way to get over this ridiculous hump...and also that you're a slow learner.  It's the love that looks like binge watching tv with you when she should probably be doing 100000 other things, or cracking her heart open and showing you the insides. It's the love that looks like knowing how sad and broken you are and letting you live with her.

It's texting you form one room away that she likes when you're here because it makes the house feel full. (Which makes you cry, one room away, because you're world feels like its a total mess and you just need to hear that you belonged somewhere).

Or when she grabs you by the pants pocket, in order to stop you from yelling at a little league umpire. Or when she choses to get in ring and fight for you in ways you don't even know about. And about a billion other things.

It's kind of love that if you asked her about it, she would never remember these specific instances because her life if full of sweet, small reminders that Jesus has our back.

It is the closest thing to Agape love that you can possible experience. It's rare, and crazy that best thing that can happen to you.

And you wonder how you can become more like that. How you can love people the same way.

And the truth is, you can't. There are people who are gifted at a lot of things, but the people who love you like Jesus does? You can't replicate that.

It's like the secret sauce Jesus concocted and sprinkled into their heads and hearts before they were born.

These people are the people that when struggle comes their way, you cry with them, you hop on in to the trenches with a shovel, you get on your knees for them every day, go to bat for them. They are the type of people you would take a bullet for,  the people you'd bear a burden for and not have second thought about it.

These are also the people that sometimes other people don't understand. Other people are confused by how they are wired. Other people will spend a lot of time trying to make our people feel like they're not good enough. They will consistently try to snuff out their lovely lights because those dummy's know that our people have the power to really transform that world. And you want to punch those dummy's directly in the face.

How dare they make our people feel like they are anything less than amazing. Any thing else than the amazing thing God created them to be.  You see those dummy's trying to slow them down, and it makes you sad. It makes you jaded. It makes you wonder why there are so many jerks in the world.

But sometimes you see people show up, to pay back, in a small way, all the love she's given to them. People who have chosen to stand in solidarity with her as she figures out her life.

the whole thing makes you weepy because hormones. But also because when you have the opportunity to love people like that, you want them to feel how special they are. How much they are needed in this chaotic, weird world. They bring the light. They bring the love. The bring the promise of a better tomorrow. They also bring work gloves because they're do-ers.

I know that I'm infinitely better for this kind of friendship. The kind that I certainly don't deserve. It has morphed into family, and if for an only child who went her whole life wanting  a sister, Jesus has responded in the best way. Chosen Sister. It is one of the things I keep closest to my heart. One of the things I've learned the most from, and one of the things that has transformed me into a better human.

So, if you know someone like this, count yourself among the lucky.  Not everyone gets to have that in a lifetime.


ALLTHEFEELINGS

This challenging reality is better than fear or fantasy

When I decided, haphazardly, that grace was my word for the year, I literally had no concept of the roads I was about to go down.

Because had I known, I would have chosen more carefully, because this shit is ridiculous. 

Like for real. Like it's been real hard. 

I get real drunk on the idea of reflection and new years at this time of year. I get real nostalgic and just totally overcome with gratitude and love and christmas lights, and looking toward a new year full of untapped promise and potential. 

Have a I mentioned everything is sparkly? It's distracting. It makes me forget all the details and I just see rose colored film reels. The highlights of sorts, that run through my head. They crack and pop like an old fashioned projector even though I'm actually too young to remember a time when people used those for real. 

Old soul. 

This year has been great. So great. I have amazing people in my life. A great job. Also St. Paul is charming little gem who makes me fall in love with the world again and again. I am staring to see Jesus in places where I thought i lost him. This year has really been a year of restoration and kept promises, and challenge that has changed me or reminded me of what i believe in. 

I'm rarely neutral about anything, but in the season of stuck, neutrality has become commonplace. It's the exact opposite of my nature. 

Trying to break out of the neutrality has literally left me a like pendulum off it's hinges. One day everyone is the fucking worst and the next I feel like i'm queen of everything. 

It's exhausting for everyone, myself included.  Holy balls, I am a handful. 

And really my nature is to be pretty even keel about most things. I used to let things roll off my back and now everything thats sad makes me have ALL THE FEELINGS. 

it's annoying.  The truth is,  I've been hurt, but who hasn't. I'm still alive. I'm still functioning. The damage is really only permanent if i let it be. That's probably truth for you, too. I don't know you, but i think it's probably applicable to all lives. 

Just because i'm feeling something, rational or not, does not give me free range to act like a goddamn lunatic and a first class jerk. 

But holy shit. i've been such a jerk, and i feel ashamed and embarrassed about the way i've treated the people i love.  Because in no realm of any sort of existence is it okay. My parents raised me better than that, and My heart knows that, too....but sometimes my head speaks on my heart's behalf and is a total asshole about it. 

The road back to getting my sparkle back is fricken hard. and humbling, and it's made me cry a lot. 

I think this year, more than being able to give grace (which i'm pretty terrible at) I am learning how to receive it, which, as it turns out, i'm also terrible at. 

There are not many people in your life who love you like Jesus does, or at the very lease as close as humanly possible, and a lot of times they're not even people with whom you share dna. 

One of my favorite lines of "The Perks of Being a Wallflower" is "we accept the love we think we deserve"  and for a long time I didn't think i deserved much. Not because I've done anything wrong, but because i never really left like i was all that special. But when people love you like they're supposed to, like you deserve, it can feel foreign, and uncomfortable. 

And sometimes to see how far it will go, if you're an envelope pusher like me, you're a total jerk and people love you back with grace. 

and that's confusing. 

So, grace. and more grace. and more grace. it just keeps coming at me. and it makes me weepy but what doesn't today. 

Literally the St. Paul skyline this morning made me tear up because St. Paul and i have a beautiful history. It's a love story for the books. Maybe one day, i'll get outside of myself enough to write it all down. 

This year was not about me handing grace out to people like sticks of gum. It was about me understanding how desperately i need grace, and that Jesus loves me infinitely more than even the crazy people who love me unconditionally. 

Life is weird, man. And so hard. But so, unbelievably worth it. 

When Saturdays are a bust.

I've recently decided to start watching Ally McBeal again, because sometimes i like to relive my childhood.

Today was interesting. As I have mentioned, I have been  having all the feelings.  Mostly, I am 2 seconds away from tears.

In short. I hate hormones. If i am every pregnant, we are all doomed. ALL OF US.

Lately,  I've been trying to distinguish the difference between things being your choice but also people want you to make a specific choice.

I know its a lot of things are my choice, but sometimes it's just nice to for people to WANT you to be with them, come with them....or whatever. Like the desire for you to exist with them in a space is important that them.

Sometimes I don't always feel like that.

All the feelings. I just need to get them under control so i'm not feeling like crying every 5 mins.

I have literally done no things today. I cleaned the kitchen and thats it. So i'm  feeling like a giant waste of space today.

Side note: I relate to Ally McBeal in all ways. It's ridiculous.

Deciding whether or not to go to church tomorrow. I should, and i know it, but i'm stubborn and i don't like feeling like a tag along. My alarm is set. I'm sure i'll report back.

But there's a rita and doreen and hugging them will likely make me cry because hormone and i miss them.

I like to fancy myself an all for one and one for all kind of girl. I don't typically get jealous about friendships or anything, but sometimes....i do. and sometimes. I miss the idea of best friends.

Because it really just is a lovely concept.

Writing make me crazy. It makes me understand my head a lot better, it also makes me realize how most things sound ridiculous when i write it all out, and i'm just as crazy as everyone else.

Tinsel and lights and winter dusks.

I love the dusk of Winter. The sky is bright, as the sun goes down, oranges and pink kiss the blue, the air smells like snow, and it's quiet.

Winter is such a beautiful season, even when it's a billion degrees below zero. I always think that winter makes the world feel smaller and quieter. It's almost as if the snow tucks us in for the season and reminds us that we need each other. 

People hold doors open, push each other out of snow banks, shovel driveways, ring bells, say hello.  Cheeks are rosy, eyelashes are dusted with snow, we hold on to each other to keep from slipping on the ice....and maybe more than that.

It's finding joy in small, simple things. We laugh louder, love harder, and find compassion everywhere. 

I love it. I love the sound, and smells and the way everything twinkles.  The tinsel, and the lights and the history that oozes form everything. Who we are and where we come from is so, so apparent. 

I've been so emotional (baby) lately. I cried in the car when these people announced their pregnancy on the radio. I cried about a dog seeing it's owner come home from war. I cried about Amy Poehler getting a star on the walk of fame. I cried because of the sweet memories this season brings. 

So...as you can see, it's been a whole thing. I blame it on my period, which isn't a total cop out, but I think it's more than that. 

I've spent a lot of time being a stuck, but think in the season where everything is freezing, I'm melting. All of the ways I've tried to freeze out the things that i thought could hurt me, are the very things that reminding my heart of its rhythms again. 

My plans rarely work out, but my life has a way of always turing out okay.  My paths have never been straight or come with directions. I tend to forge ahead even when my guides are telling me otherwise. Along the way, though, I find people, and places that feel like home, even though the rings inside them would say they've just recently sprung up. 

One of the things i used to be really good is find "home" taking my Wisconsin roots and growing Minnesota branches, and i've sort of lost sight of that, but I feel my roots telling me that it's time.  

This season, these people, this career path...it's good. 

And I should let it be good. Sometimes the sweetest things come from the hardest work, and even though the getting there was hard, the arrival is sweet, and simple, and exactly what it needs to be. 

and I'm starting to really feel that. Not that i've arrived, necessarily, but that I can drop the anchor for awhile. I've got some learning and growing to do and this is where I need to do it. 

And it doesn't need to be scary, or cold. It looks like people who are rooting for you, and think you're great when you're not even trying. It's full of kids who LOVE you, and hang out around you because you've made a safe place for them.  

I'm taking the hard things, and learning from them. I'm embracing the past because it's made me more compassionate, it's shown me Jesus in ways I didn't expect, and it has taught me about what love looks like. 

In this season of expectant waiting, and a thawing heart, I am praying for the good sense to get out of God's way, to be willing to be used all sorts of ways. I'm praying that I use what I have where I am, and for that to be enough. 

I'm certainly not ready for what lies ahead, but I'm equipped to handle whatever is around the bend. 

Let the snow fall, let it create a pure heart in me, and you, and everyone this season. 

Let's hold mittened hands, and hold each other up, because the ice is slippery, and going down together hurts less, and it frequently ends in tears that come from laughing. 

Hug your families tighter, take time to smell the snow in the air, and pay attention to winter at dusk. 

Winter is here, and she is lovely. 

Also, obsessed with "oh come, oh come, Emmanuel" and "this cup" they are both just so perfect right now. listen to them when it's snowing, you won't regret it. 

That thing when you think you're over something....

I try not to be grudge holder.  I would like to be known as forgiving person. I like being a forgiving person because  it's liberating. It's breaks the holds that the past has on you.

But sometimes those things sneak up on you.  Even after you think that you're good, you reveal for yourself that that's not quite the whole story.

I don't like it. It's not a good look on me. I working my way toward being good.  I have to be able to see the good changes in a person. I have to believe in good hearts and i have to look for good, even if it's hard to find, and sometimes it is.

So far, if advent has taught me anything...in whole...5(?) days that we've been hanging out. Is that it's easy to see that things are jacked up and that people are so, so broken.

You can either be a bystander or a part of the solution. Being an active participant in making life better for yourself and other people begins with good intentions and baby steps.

I know what i kind of person i want to continue to become.

i'm going to try to write more this weekend...like something more significant and with more substance....but the end of the semester is coming so....there these might be short and pithy until christmas break.

i'm trying. I forgot what a commitment writing every day is.

I have all the feels today.

I have hate that there was another mass shooting. There have now been more mass shootings that days in 2015. That makes my heart hurt. I don't have words to even begin to formulate all i want to say on the subject.

So i'll just say this. Let's pray that changes begin to happen. Even small ones make a huge difference. I pray that as a country we start seeing PEOPLE instead of a race, or social class, or patient number. If we start giving people the opportunity to get what they need, whether it be a access to affordable health care, a decent paying job....equal rights....

I don't know we just need to stop acting like such assholes. My heart can't take it, I don't know how any one else's can. I don't care if you don't care about guns or gun control, but care about people and their ability to have access to what they need regardless of income, race or gender.


On a completely unrelated, or maybe not so unrelated note....Would it kill us to be nice and love the people we like a lot, well? Like I know I'm guilty of not always appreciating what amazing friends i have, but if well just took a moment to breath before we reacted, I think we'd all be better off.

Listen, Friendship is hard. Super hard. especially when you juggle work, and family, and husband and kids and whatever else....it's hard that's not time....but friends...they love you in a way that is different from your family. There is freedom in friendship, there is whimsy and honesty and laughter and tears.  But we need to be careful with the hearts we've been allowed to hold.

Grace people. So much Grace.

A tale told by an idiot....

Today's blog is a bit of a cluster. I have nothing prepared at the moment, nothing is weighing on me (at the moment), I'm brushing off all the things that I could interpret as hurtful and i've chosen not to care.

I still have to read today's devotion and well, the classes i have tomorrow certainly aren't going to plan themselves.

All that to say, I need to take just one hot minute to be thankful for the fact that i came home, help the world's sweetest 10 year of with his homework. I watched TV, and laughed and drank hot chocolate with some of my favorite humans and a Christmas tree.

Sometimes that all you need. To be in wrapped up in a blanket, surrounded by the things that make your heart beat for the right reasons.

What i've found is that the simple, the ordinary things in life are often the things that i remember most and have the deepest impact on me.  Often the times where i can recall exactly what a place felt like and smelled like....are regular days where the most exciting thing that happened was no one fell down.

I know we look for Jesus in the big moments, in births, and deaths, and recovery, and everything else that causes your mascara to run.  But what I like most about my life is that Jesus is ever present in the regular. In the 9th grader that comes in to my room every morning to hug me. OR how some people spiral back into your life. or the way that hot chocolate tastes...because you remember what life was like the first time you had it, and remember what it feels like to be "home."

Today, I'm thankful for the way the world feels when it's blanketed in snow. For 9th graders who make you laugh, and for friends who become family, even when it feels like sometimes they want to get rid of you....because thats truly how families are.