The Truth, or something like it....

Life. is. hard. 

It just is, for everyone. Not a single person walking this earth hasn't struggled. They're "shambles" look different than mine or yours maybe, but rubble is rubble, and falling always hurts. 

And sometimes i forget that. Now, don't think I don't see the irony in the fact that I just posted a "shut up, open letter people" thing, because believe me i do. 

I struggle, i'm human, i'm mostly unfiltered and that's why i need Jesus. 

and so do you. that's not evangelism, it's just the truth. 

I've seen my fair share of struggle. I've watched it unfold like a tidal wave, leaving nothing but debris in it's wake. I've been waste deep in so much pain and confusion that no one knew which way to swim to shore. I've been speechless as i've watched good men fall from grace and beautiful, strong women brought to their knees. I've been on the kitchen floor, tshirt wet from the confusion of my own world, crumbling under the weight of trying to carry all of it. 

Yeah, we've all been there. And yeah, in Jesus there is restoration, and there is reconciliation, and there is love that defies understanding, but he's hasn't come back to get us yet, so what do we do in the mean time? 

Well, obviously, the answer is, we get our hands dirty. We hold hands and pull each other out of holes, we dig, we glue pieces back together, we plant new seeds. 

in short. We love each other because that's what we're called to. 

But the whole "love your neighbor" thing is often harder in practice than in theory because we are human, we are self serving, we want to protect ourselves first. 

And really, there is nothing wrong with that but we all need to just try a little bit harder sometimes. 

I used to, and sometimes still do, love people in a way that forces them to love me back. So they'll affirm me, and keep me in their live, but what i've learned over the past yearish is the love and accept love in way that pushes everyone to be better. 

And that means boundaries, that means telling the truth, that means more often than not, doing right thing over the comfortable thing. 

I've always claimed to have honest people in my life. Friends who have the authority to speak into my life and let me into theirs.

Now that i actually have that, i know in the past it wasn't like that at all.  Honesty sometimes makes me want to crawl out of my skin. The mirror that is held up to me sometimes makes feel less than awesome but i need to look at it, and i need to figure it out. When you're given the same power and you have to tell someone you love the truth, you want to be gentle but in a way that they'll hear it. 

i'm so thankful to have that kind of friendship. and so thankful for the person that type of friendship is molding me and shaping me to become and how i've become less selfish and i know what it's like to go to batt for someone and truly mean it. 

The trick is being able to hear and tell the truth in a way that honest, but gentle and also constructive and that is never easy and i know we're still all workin' on it. Delciate balance, different for everyone. But when you know someone is truly on your side, it makes that hard stuff easier to swallow.  A spoonful of sugar. 

So what's stopping us form being on each other's sides? i think it's rooted in fear, and insecurity. i think we need to start breaking those ties that hold us down.

This isn't easy and i have no proposal of how to go about this. Especially because i know there are people i would be terrible to because i knew they hurt someone i cared about. 

See, i have work to do, too. 

I think it helps to  stop sometimes and remind ourselves that the people who are standing in front of us are real. they have heart beats and feelings and have struggled and overcome or are just trying to survive. 

And how would you treat the person standing in front of you if they were your best friend or you mom or your grandma? How would you want other people to treat them. 

It's perspective, and its super helpful to me when i'm stuck in a "self righteous rut" 

So, my goal for the second half of this year is to be FOR some of the people i'm against.  

baby steps indeed. 

Same kind of different....

Today i was going to write and "open letter" to all my homies who decide that they need to write "open letters" on how hard...motherhood, marriage, single-hood, their job, LIVES etc are.

Dear gracious, I do love people and i wholeheartedly believe in solidarity, however, I've decided that i hate open letters and i'll tell you why:

They are about creating a divide, not bridging a gap. They are about telling people how hard you have it, even though you "know" everyone else has it just as hard. It's trying to be like Jen Hatmaker and in turn, you're somehow turn it into...my life is SO hard. i had NO idea...when the honest truth of the matter is, YOU STILL HAVE NO IDEA.

You have no idea what lies a head. Tomorrow you could wake up and your kid could be sick, your spouse could leave you, cheat on you, develop an addiction, your friends could leave you, you could discover you have no idea who you are, you could get fired, someone could die...

it can change in the blink of an eye, so while you're like....omg. my life is so chaotic i can barely form a sentence....you have managed to write...many, many, many sentences when you could have instead been showering, brushing your teeth, napping etc.

You've instead chosen write an open letter to the world so everyone can know just how bad things are FOR YOU. it's not a unifying thing at all. It's ends up being as self-severing as the looks of judgement and thoughts you've passed on prior to your new life.

except this time, it comes in the form of empty words and an "i'm sorry" or an "i'm just saying" that still manages to backhand it's way into a translation of  "i still know more than you" or "it's harder for me"

just. stop. it.

please.

I fully admit i don't know what it's like to be married, or rear children, but i also know that it's super hard work, and not for the faint of heart. I literally have no idea how i keep myself alive somedays, much less how i could ever take care of, nurture, teach, another living, breathing thing anything. Or how i can lose myself to become half of a team. NO IDEA.

but i know it's hard. i know it take work. i know your head and heart have to be all in. So, when my day comes to tell you of married life, or mommy life. I will start out by thanking the beautiful people who have done it before. Whom i'm watched struggle and navigate and stress out about everything that i'm about to lose my shit over.

I will ask them for advice. I will thank them even if at times it's begrudgingly because i know that the only way to play this life game well, is to do it together. I need people to help when i'm being dumb and tell me what worked and what didn't....

i need some hand holders and some baby holders and some 3am phone calls to make this life even remotely manageable....even as a single. white. female.  I've somehow managed to assemble a team of true gems that are simultaneously hard on me and gentle with me.

So in conclusion, dear letter writers, I'm over you. Though i am thankful that you realize that shit gets real, and it gets real hard, i do not need to read about how much harder you think it is for you.

i just don't. and that might make me an asshole, but i'll take it up with Jesus, later.

sorta fairy tale....

today was so full of random normal fun that i didn't tweet or update about it once.

present over perfect.

#ilovemylittlelife #easter #spring #yourenotsupposedtohashtagonblogs


Also, if you haven't noticed, i mostly title my blogs song lyrics that often have nothing to do with what i'm writing about. Today it's a throw back to Tori Amos cuase i just got done watching Parenthood and Hattie is apparently a lesbian.

I dont even know.

The Day that True Love Died...

Two things: 1. This is gonna be real Jesus-y to either buckle up or get out. 2. I don't claim to be theological, I am just claiming that I love Jesus.

side note: lookin' REAL rough in every single picture i take lately. To the point where i'm incredibly insecure about all the things. Real attractive, i know, i know.

I lead a group of high school seniors at a youth group that my church runs on Tuesday nights. It's Easter, so naturally, we're all up in the gospel and Jesus is raisin' from the dead....and shit. (sorry, it's a thing. i giggled, you'll live)

I love Easter. I makes me weepy in a way Christmas does not. It's gut wrenching and extraordinary, and it makes me feel all the things.

Jesus died so we can live. Beautiful. Yes, i believe that in the core of my being. I believe that Jesus walking out of that tomb changed everything.

It wasn't the end, but rather the catalyst, the rising action in the story board of human kind.

Jesus changed everything. I think that we fail to grasp the gravity of that, or at least I do, all.the.damn.time.

I like to make the people of the Bible real, i give them personalities and voices and Peter is probably my favorite and the disciple i most relate to.

Because Peter is a shit storm and so am i. He's passionate. He's all  "I love you Jesus! i'm with you"..and 5 mins later...."nope, never met the guy" and "jesus, who." Yeah, bitch move, Peter.

and he's all "holy shit , i'm walking on water!" then immediately, he's like "SHIT i'm walking on water" and falls.

train wreck. Full of passion, full of a heart for Jesus. Tragically human, so he messes up a lot. He's probably the loud clumsy one, and all the other disciples rolled their eyes a lot but respected him for his passion.

Me and Peter. We be the same.

Peter was also the rock on which God built his church. Score one for the underdogs like me and old pete.

Anyway, tonight we were talking about the Mark 8:34-35

 And calling the crowd to him with his disciples, he said to them, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. 35 For whoever would save his life[a] will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake and the gospel's will save it.

I would also like to point out right before this, Jesus is telling his people what's about to happen and Good Old Peter loses his shit and is all like "dang, Jesus, that is not ok" and then Jesus is all "get behind me satan" 

Classic Peter. Classic Jesus. 

What concerns me most tonight, though, is the "take up your cross" part. Now, i have literally read, memorized, seen this passage about a bajillion times and never put too much thought into it because i understand that "lose your life" simply means....not being ruled by worldly things....and in living like Jesus, you find your identity, your gifts, your passions...and you, you know, advanced the kingdom

cool. 

but what the hell does "take up your cross" mean? i'm also gonna be real honest, i haven't looked it up, i'm sure there are essays upon essay flushing out this very thing. Also...a different translation...would perhaps offer insight. 

i've looked at none of those things, and i'mma just tell you what i think.


1. Though, Jesus died for us, we're still horribly human, and we have baggage and burdens and sin...and we are called to take all of that and follow Jesus....he doesn't take it away, we still have to lug it around. Take up what makes you a sinner in need of a savior and show people what is it...and be secure in the fact that restoration is well on its way...and that thing that you lug around...it wont weigh you down for all eternity...Jesus over came all the hate, and anger and addiction and everything else that's shitty...

similarly, taking up a cross could mean bearing the burden of what it means to be a Christ follower. Sacrificing the comfortable life. saying goodbye to your vices.... it means not being understood, it means being counter cultural...it means doing the hard thing when it's the right thing (ugh...sorry about that rhyme. gross) 

2. i also really think that "take up your cross" could also mean...show people the cross. Take up your own cross to show people what Jesus looks like. Wear the cross like badge of honor. Walk with the risen lord who was nailed there....to show everyone...that the cross was not the end. 

All i know is that we talk about "losing our lives" but i think sometimes we forget about the "take up your cross" part. So Tonight i asked my girls what they thought and they are beautiful and smart and we had all the chats, even the hard ones that made them think a lot. 

but it's cool....because Jesus, he's might to save. 

and that's something we can all take to the bank. Even modern day Peters like me. 

I speak fluently the language  of laughter and tears, everything else, i'm mostly guessing.

I laugh: when i'm nervous, when i'm happy, when i'm trying to break the tension.

I cry: when i'm happy, when i'm sad, when my heart is full and when my heart is breaking. I cry when I see st. paul and green bay disappear in my rear view mirror. and the end of movies, during songs, when i'm proud and when i'm scared.

It's an all occasion kind of thing, and i used to be embarrassed by it and sometimes i still am, especially when they creep up on me, and i'm weeping and the other person is just staring at me.

it happens more than you'd think.

I'm no good at the right words at the right time but i can sit with you, and cry with you and do my best to make you laugh when the tears are flowing from heartbreak.

thats all i really have to offer anyone.

and i haven't really decided if that's good or bad, yet.

i love easter. this song gives me chills. jesus is rad

saturday morning....

How wonderful to have people to get weepy about, and how crazy-amazing-weird it is to give your heart and for them to return the gesture.

And probably what's weirder is to watch them hold it in their hands and instead of tossing it around or dropping, they hold it close and protect it and make it full and make it beat hard.

it's not the kind of thing that people understand, necessarily. It's not anything that people are going to make a movie about, but it something i blogg about....because i'm a sentimental fool and my heart is mostly bursting.

it's cleaning on saturday mornings, it's watching marathons of the Following, and la ink, and once, it's car rides and skyzone dates, and walks and coffee and ice cream runs....

it's the ordinary type of extraordinary and something tailor made for a chosen few.

on a less, mushy, more serious and adult note....i literally have never had anyone who i've been so totally honest, transparent, open.....all those big adult words that give everyone large amounts of anxiety with....

It's scary and sometimes, more often than not, i find myself ugly crying....about God knows what, feeling like a flimsy piece of paper and like a complete lunatic because no one cries about the things i do.

until you look over and see the tears flowing from eyes that aren't yours. It's just strange and you know that no one else besides Jesus could have thought it up or made it come together. the way that it has. and that's pretty neat.

So utterly grateful for where i sit now. this place that feels like it's always been a part of me, only it was laying dormant until i really needed to be reminded of who i was.

SPRING.

i guess i shoulda been a little more like that....

For the last three weeks I've been busy. I've felt, for the first time in a long time, like i'm actually using my brain, and i feel overwhelmed in the best way. 

like i'm useful. i put a ton of pressure on myself. I am surrounded by people whose bars are super high, but somehow mine is always higher. I lose my shit. i feel stressed out and like the mountain of work is not getting smaller, and then somehow it gets done and i feel relief for 39 seconds and promptly begin to worry about how well i actually did. 

i shoot high and fall short almost always. All of this sounds...very...the opposite of the best. but it's been good for me. I thrive on pressure my best words and ideas come when i'm under the gun. 

I've been lacking affirmation lately and i'm trying to change that. (read: i'm trying NOT to need other's people's words) but i'm not sure if you can just change a love language. 

today, though, i had a some coffee talks with some people. one in particular said things to me that i thought i needed to hear of such a long time. Turns out, i didn't need to hear them. 

Sometimes i get really worried about words running out of meaning, or that people are just saying things to...appease me. you know? like they're saying it because they think i need to hear it...and then it's just empty, and because i love words and i want them the be bursting with emotion and meaning... 

Also, today i decided that i'm going to read every book in lisa's basket in  the living room. it's literally gonna make me want to die. it's a lot of leadership books, which means they're gonna be really dry...and i'll have to read them like i drink crappy booze...real fast to get it over with.

maybe they'll make me a better person.  or maybe not...My first one is "the well-balanced world changer" it's soft covered and it appears to have short chapters...which is just what i'm about. 

i'll let you know how it goes. 

Additionally. i lack all inspiration. a little bit would be great. 

also. i love Easter. it makes me weepy. 

Put your blue jeans back on....

Nothing sweeter 

than laughter

hugs and reuniting 

after months

or days 

or years. 

coming (back) together 

exactly how its supposed to be

homecomings are beautiful 

and tragic 

knowing that you belong somewhere 

but have to leave to figure out where 

your hat truly hangs

adventures are necessary 

and encouraged to become 

all that you're supposed to be

a better version 

the most you you're able to be

Well wishes, and goodbyes escape mouths 

 unintentionally 

knowing that there is a place for you

at my table and at the foot of my bed 

and a coffee cup

waiting to hear of all that's happened

stiring spoons, taking sips, 

unloading, uncovering 

all the mystery

the world has for us 

together. 

Welcome home,indeed 

it's about time you hopped back 

into wear you belong

We've been waiting. 

and no one belongs here more than you. 

ever feel like a total stranger is your soul mate?

hey annie...how about you just write about my life?

I’m not brave. I lack courage. I’m thirty-
three years old, and I sometimes cry when I leave my
parents’ home in Georgia to drive back to my little brick
house in Nashville. I have never jumped out of a plane, and
I only ride roller coasters when I’m trying to impress a boy.

that awkward moment when you explain your day and end up in tears and jeremiah hugs you even though he hates hugs and i'm sure it was real awkward for him.

what a guy.

one is the loneliest number.

these are the days when i feel super lonely. lots of punches today. and i look at my phone and realize i fresh out of  "that person you call when everything is  helter skelter" 

sad girl. curled up in bed. Gilmore girls will have to suffice. 

This is why i don't answer the phone.

" You know, Nicole, your problem is that you're an all in person, and you think that everyone else is like that, too. And you're invested in the long haul, and that's not really how it works."



umm ok cool.

In this heartbreak world of just imagine....

things get so crazy, living life gets hard to do, i would gladly hit the road, get up and go if i knew that someday it would lead me back to you....

a day in the life.

today:

I made some of my magic tea for my homeboy who has a sinus infection.

Went to work (workin' on some big projects)

picked up a kid

did homework

made dinner.

am bringing kids to youth group.

leading some small girls in youth group

bringing kids home from youth group.

I feel like a mom today.

I feel like i'm gonna be real prepared for motherhood.

Tomorrow i will go to joanns and hobby lobby and the used bookstore.

i can't even tell you how exciting that is for me.