This is my prayer in the desert....when all that's with in me feels dry.....

It's a funny feeling for Jesus to feel so far away form me, but to believe in the depths of my soul that he is working, i just can't see it. 

why can't i get unstuck? And why is it all so sad. 

Do you ever get scared that your life will to amount to exactly zero things?

i do. All the time. 

The song remembers when.

My dad loves James Taylor, and by default so do I.

I mean you haven't experienced life until you're cruising down the back roads of Wisconsin singing "sweet baby james" eating ice cream with my farther.

i don't love ice cream, but when it comes with my dad, driving and good jams, i'm in.

I vividly remember being the car with him, realizing he knew every word to the song "handyman"

I remember weird things. little things. Things i think i forgot. Until i remember.

It's crazy. But i'll remember what you said to me, even if you were half kidding. I'll remember every dinner plan broken, promise unfulfilled.

Lately, i've felt insignificant. Like i'm not any more than a blip on the radar to so many people. Even the ones i see every day. I don't factor into anyone's plans, almost ever.

People make plan only to never see them through.

also, please don't affirm me if you don't mean it. I can see through bullshit and what you think was a positive comment actually has the opposite effect when it's not sincere.

I feel like i try fairly hard in my relationships, only to not have it reciprocated.

and i'm only good enough when people need my help.

I'm helper, i like to help for sure, but i also have a heart that gets sad when people miss use it.

today is kind of discouraging. So to combat it, i called my dad, watched the gilmore girls and stayed away from people. it's only kind of worked.

I remember everything.

Everything that hurt me and everything that made me feel like a million bucks.

and that is the bulk of my problem.

I'll do it better in my next 30 years.

I am 30. I ended my night at a birthday party for someone else because that is exactly how life happens. Still, my day was lovely.

A new decade should mean some things, and while I haven't worked out all the details, i think it will look something like this:

1. I'm going to stop need the affirmation form the important people in my life. Just because they don't love me how i want them to does not mean that they don't love me. i have to believe that

2. Boundaries.

3. let it go.....

4. remember where i put my hearts desire.

5. Love them anyway.

6. learn how to be the type of person who is not so easily disappointed by other people.


If there is anything i've learned about my 20's is that life is jacked up. People go through a shit ton of hard things, it's scary and it's almost always uncharted territory but that doesn't mean you shouldn't jump into the trenches for people. It doesn't mean you shouldn't stand in the gap  and be there.

And i guess for as hard as it was, i wouldn't have done it any other way, really. im thankful for what i have and all i've learned.  And life has done it's job of marking me with stories and lessons that will weather the test of time.

And people really are beautiful, if you give them the chance to be.  People don't mean to break your heart, they really don't.

And my expectations of people are too high and i need to just let people be who they are instead of who i want them to be. It will save me tons of heart ache.

i just want to find a way back to myself that i love and everyone else does, too.

I want to be the type of person people get weepy about.

it doesn't matter what written in a card, or on your facebook wall or if anything is uttered. You know they love you because they love you at your most unpleasant.

i don't know how to do that quite yet. but i sure am working on it.

One day i wont feel anything with such intensity. I think it will be the best option for everyone.

Yesterday i got lost in the circus....

I wear pieces of my heart around my neck like a best friend necklace.

One for Green Bay, for family and humble beginnings

One of St. Paul, for Jesus, and discovery and adventure, and heartbreak and learning,

One for the Grove, for healing, laughter, and tears and so much love.

Three pieces, and sometimes i forget the tracks laid in each place. Sometime I need to settle into myself with a blanket and a cup of coffee, take a deep breath and remember.

Remember life is dynamic, always changing shape and morphing into something you never even thought existed, which is equal parts terrifying and fun.

Adventures come with an element of unknown, potential danger, potential heartbreak, potential ruin, but being brave means doing it anyway.

Jumping. No one says you can't plug your nose, you just have to jump. And jump however you like.

headfirst, feet first, cannonball, back flips, pencil dives, belly flops

I go heart first. It's the only way i've ever gotten anywhere.

I'm sitting at a kitchen table in St. Paul, working a project, celebrating a life that has literally made the world a better place. A life that means something significant. A life of a heart that pumps hard for the right reasons. The sun in shinning, the leaves are perfect it smells like fall.

It smells like homecomings and the wind whispers of adventures to come. Inviting us a long for a ride.  A ride populated by colorful characters, and beautiful scenery.

We are invited to hop on board and change things. To be a catalyst for something better. For something beautiful.

All we have to do is jump.

St. Paul is like an old friend. I trust her with my fears, and dreams. She is constant, tried and true. She always reminds me of the fun in the adventure, and the beauty in possibility.

And right now, i'm so thankful for that.  

Sometimes it just nice to know that people think you're worth the effort.

and sometimes it's nice to hug your friends.

To be loved like a song you remember even when you've changed....

I am having trouble finding word for both the deep gratitude that this season brings, and also for necessary truth that comes from being refined and sharpened.

it's a juxtaposition of thankful eyes and type of truth that makes you kind of have to catch your breath. The deep inhale of something that might be painful. 

that's so like fall, though, isn't it? The beauty and the death? The chilling wind with warmth of tradition and fires. 

i feel like i've gotten away from myself.  the current version is good but not great. Sweet but salty, too. 

My face has seen it's share of tears, but has also cried from laughter. The uncontrollable kind that makes you laugh well after the moment has past. I've been on a road of self (re)discovering. slowly morphing and changing into who i think people want me to be until it's not, then,  then shedding my skin for a new one....that's thicker...and can take....more of what life throws at her. 

But at some point it's exhausting to be what everyone wants. 

i'm just little old me. At least, i'm working my way there. the reality of who I am wont be found in my contact list in my phone. It wont be found on twitter or my facebook page. 

If you're looking for my heart, half of it is 4 hours away. Patiently waiting for me to finally figure life out so I can love them like l'm supposed to. 

like i used to before my life got complicated by other people's problems. Before I wanted or needed them to accept and love me. 

Guess what? they don't really love me. so i have to spend some time trying to reconcile how i spent so much time chancing after and pouring my heart into something that shattered me. And once the bough broke and everything came crashing down, they all just stared, stunned, i'm sure, that i'd run out of gas, that i was sad and so unsure of how to feel about any of it. 

when all the people who truly love me were just waiting to for me to come on home. 

The other half of my heart belongs here. In a handful of people who see past what i am currently and know that at my core, i'm something far more extraordinary.

I've been so afraid of rejection, i've built a facade of sass. I'm sassy because my insides are fragile and it's hurts to think about how much i've let other people hurt me  without ever putting up a fight. 

The people that i thought would fight for me, turned out to my as fair-weather as the changing seasons. 

and here i sit, single. nearly 30, and i certainly have some battle scars. Proof that i've made it this far but changed by the experience. 

Still, though, trying to figure out what's wrong with me. Why am i still single. Everyone is literally coupled up and i'm just here. 

There are not boys beating down the door, wanting to take me out. Nope not one. 

And i did a nice job of convincing myself that i'm ugly and gross and no boy is ever going to want to date me. I'm friends with beautiful people who are far prettier skinnier and more charming than i'll ever be. 

i'm mostly scared i'll end up alone. And that's tragic. I want to believe that someday it will happen, but the odds don't seem to be in my favor. 

I know i haven't been myself. It's taken years of undoing, so to get back to girl who laughs loud, does everything with her whole heart, and loves completely is going to take some time. 

and i hate it, and it makes me want to cry a lot. 

Fall is the season for change and for coming home. I'm sprinting down a familiar path, one that is worn form 30 years of travel, marked by the people who are a part of me. The ones who just make sense. The ones who can see through the layers to the pieces of me that are real. 

it's marked by the people who remember why they fell in love with this silly, optimistic girl, who laughs when she nervous, cries about everything, and believes that life doesn't mean to break your heart. That Jesus has got us all, and that prayer, and community and life and doing it together will change the world. 

i'm still that girl. i'm can feel her, especially in the fall, and i'm working my way back to her. 

I'm coming home. 

ugh. if anyone has any more truth for me today, it's going to have to wait until tomorrow.

I'm strug buggin' lately. 

I don't know how to turn off the my brain. I realize it's selfish of me to say "i try really hard" but i do. 

I create rules in my head that no one made up for me, i preempt things with excusing myself or making up a lame excuse because i feel like i'm breaking said rules 

and people are sick of me. so i do things before people ask me to because i've somehow created myself into the friend who "just knows" and does things without even having been told. 

and i'm just bad at it. and i feel bad about it. 

so no one wins. 

 

In my head i don't ask people for a whole lot. I never want to force them into something or do something they don't want to do,ever. I'd feel horribly guilty the whole time and then not even enjoy the thing i'm at because i'm so preoccupied by the fact that i may have, at some point, forced a friend of mine to do something just because i wanted to do it. 

I have all the Catholic guilt and none of the rosaries. 

I realize that not everyone is like me or cares about the same thing i do and i dont' expect that or want people to, but sometimes it's just nice when people are willing to go somewhere or do something with you just because you love it and they want to share that experience with you. 

am i completely crazy for thinking that? 

I just don't know. My brain does some crazy things, or so i've been told lately. 

so, there's that. 

i want this.

i just want to be me, but, like, a happy version

my when head is strong and my heart is weak....

My heart and my head speak two different languages. This frustrating for 100% of the people who love me. Long story short. I feel like i've been working really hard and turning out really good stuff, and yet i feel completely invisible. Thankfully, i'm not super obsessing about it because I have many, many things to work on and it's keeping me busy. 

Today i listened to the entire 21 album. I just need Adele to make more music. 21 is my JAM though, i love the whole damn thing. 

It just brought me back to my St. Paul Days, sitting in Aria, staring at the beautiful Barista boy...you know, the one with the eyes, who regularly made me a almond or maple chai without the bubbles. 

And there i sat with Julia and Katie and we laughed and did homework and i played "one and only" on repeat until people got mad. The door was always propped open, allowing the fall breeze and the sound of change to swril into the door way, and ring the bell. Almost as if to tell us change was coming. The walls were orange and bright but the sound of the Beatles and Bon Iver softened the colors. The floors creaked and the one bathroom had a janky lock, but it smelled like heaven.  It was our own little corner of the world once upon a time. 

It seems like a lifetime ago, and maybe it was, we were all different then, but the way that time made me feel floods my memory with all the best feelings.And today, when i felt a little less than stellar, i held on to that memory. Because, once upon a time, we did something special worthy of memory making. 

Our humble beginnings started in coffee shops over lattes and dreams and rehashes of days and planing for futures, and they were beautiful before the middle got hard and complicated and the endings were sad. 

Although, everyone lived happily ever after the best way they knew  how, we just couldn't co-exist in their happiness. 

And that is sort of a love story and a tragedy that not even Shakespeare could write with enough grace and poetry to recreate having been there. 

diamonds on the souls of her shoes....

Sometimes when you're making a birthday slide show. it makes you cry.

and feel terrible for ever being sassy about anything

looking through a life that is being lived with the amount of grace and humility that this one has is seriously the most lovely thing.

These photos, a patchwork of memories, and people and places that fit together to create an amazing story....

well, it's hard to beat.

but so easy to love.

i lay to rest my troubled face....

I turn 30 in about in a month and half. 

A whole new decade. I wont lie, I'm super glad to be rid of my 20s. The last 3 years were ROUGH. and i'm still trying to climb my way of the shitstorm. 

and i'm not doing the best job. 

but...anyway, i love birthdays. a lot. i think they're the best and i think that everyone should have 6 every year because we really do not stop and celebrate each other enough. Nor do we spend enough time thinking about the impact we're making. 

I just think it's important for people to feel loved and celebrated. 

well, i'm not having a birthday party....because i don't wanna plan it and i'm not sure who would even show up. 

and that give me ALL KINDS OF ANXIETY

I have in my head that i've burned a lot of bridges though i did nothing to set fire to them, and i'm really sick of apologizing to people for not knowing how to deal with a broken heart, and car and no money. 

I don't know how to be in crisis other than to just shut everyone out. 

But....still here i still with a blinking cursor unable to pull together a list to even birthday dinner with. 

bah. humbug. i don't wanna have a birthday. 

i've been driving for an hour, just talking to the wind.

Sometimes, when i feel out of place, i go to a coffee shop.

I sit, i watch people. I listen to Frank Sinatra, and Ella Fitzgerald, and i drink coffee and for however long i stay here, I feel like i have a place.

The chair in the corner by the window remembers my body, the table holds my stories, and the window shines the same light it did that last time i was here.

the cute barista boy must have felt bad for me paying in quarters because that is NOT what nearly 30 year olds  do.

so he made my raspberry white mocha with a pretty little design in it. His way of saying, that not everything is ugly, and i appreciate that.

As i sit, re-reading things I wrote last fall, and not thinking they are total trash. Some how  i totally captured the buzz and love i have for fall.

Last year, the words flowed much easier. Probably because my mind was racing a mile a minute trying to silence all that was in my head, as if keeping the thoughts on like a running faucet will empty my brain of all the things i was feeling.

Well, it didn't work, but i think that's ok. i don't ever want to run out of things to say.

Cue a vibrating cell phone with a message from an old friend asking what i'm doing.

"Writing", i said. "What are you doing? "

"Driving, i could use a "case hug" ----that's how you know it's an old friend. Nobody calls me Case here, almost at all. The nicknames my friends give me, much like the rings of a tree will tell you how long they've been around.

she just happens to be the same person who hated me 12 months earlier. I never quite know what to do with her. like....ever.

So i told her my location. she came. I asked her if anything was wrong....and she said she could ask me the same.

Not really, i said, just processing all that this season means. She said the same.

and we drank coffee and chatted about our days and our futures and i almost cried asking when things will stop being so awkward and hard and when will i feel like an adult.

and she said asks the same questions and the answer is probably never.

It's never fun to have a "what's wrong with me" conversation, but if your'e going to run down that path, it's nice to do with with your old best friend. Who is still pretty gentle with you when she sees your sad eyes.

it was simple. and the awkwardness is subsiding.

And it's just how fall is, showing that missing pieces find their way back. and life is what it is, until it's something different.

and if there is one thing i'm both terrible and a rock star at, it's change.

I'm not saying much at all right now, except that St. Paul has a way for making me feel like a real girl. Like i'm just one of the regular people trying to make it through the day without falling.

So, i'll hold on to hope and pray that Jesus shows up in a way that i can feel sometimes soon.

There are just days when the lies in my head win. 

Today is one of them.  

Some days it's just glaringly obvious that i still want to be a cool kid. 

and i'm lost. 

and i feel guilty about everything. 

and i keep trying to force things to happen, that clearly will not. 

and i'm broke. so, so, so broke. 

everyone is always better than i am, i'm always so dramatic. my tone is always wrong. i'm always sassy. 

and today, i just can't. 

Fall

I know the song of September by heart, I've been singing it since before i can even remember being in love with anything.

A season so closely linked to death, is the season that makes me feel most alive.  September creeps in slowly, it begins as a far off sound, and quickly developed into school bells, and crunchy leaves and the crack of a fire.

September is humble in it's beauty. It does not boast of it's firey leaves, or the sweet smell in the air.
The smell of the familiar.

September is comforting, constant in it's buzz. September is populated by potlucks, backpacks and hurry. It's football games, and rainy days, and reds, oranges, and yellows.

It's the buzz of things to come, and going back home.

It's the sound of an old friend you haven't seen in a while. It walking into a place you know by heart and sitting down for awhile to remember, and to be thankful.

I love September's song, and i'll sing it until there is no air left in my lungs.

if people see me a charity case. imma have to make all the changes.

aint nobody got time for that.

everything about that is my biggest fear.

No. next time i'll be braver, i'll be my own savior standing on my own two feet.....

yes. next time, but there wont be a next time.

Summer is over....

i've been trying to write something here for days. I open a document and i have nothing. Nothing that is pushing me to say what needs to be said.

Which, i guess, is a good thing. There is nothing really overwhelming my thoughts. I'm happy. 

And that's true, for the most part. 

As summer comes to a celebrated and much anticipated close, i feel it only fitting to send Summer off with an open letter. 

Dear Old Friend, 

As faithfully has the morning, you arrived with your sweet taste of freedom and promise of sweet simplicity. Your arrival usually means being sunkissed and sweaty with wild hair, and no makeup, backyards and cookouts and swimming pools and laughter. lots of laughter. 

 Last summer is  dreamy, hazey, Polaroid nostalgia. When i remember last year's visit, it was  sweet, lovely and beautiful. Maybe not having any money and loving people the way your were wired to, is really all you need to have a lovely imprint on your heart of what could be.  It is a summer that i will look on with nothing but love. It was not without it's troubles, but the laughter and love out weight the rough patches. 

I looked to this summer to be similar. With all the same feelings of sweetness and simplicity. This summer was a lesson is not being able to do it all. This summer was a lesson is trying to juggle some plates and keeping them off the ground but not catching them like they deserved to be caught. 

I thought i could do my job, and do it super well, and hangout with children all summer and do that super well. Turns out, i did it all okay. 

I didn't plan what my summer weeks would look like. I did not appropriately plan fun things, i did not full engage with them, and they were all just being how 3rd graders are and i couldn't deal. They complain, they would rather be playing video games, they would fight, they would act like going outside was a punishment. 

and when those days came, i just wanted your departure to be the very next day. So...i began to count the days until school started, and i got crabby when the children were less that the little angles i had expected them to be. 

when you're constantly refereeing arguments and making sure no one is left out and making sure they go outside and are fed and what not....work gets pushed aside....after all....i can always do it later.  

and when i couldn't do it later or couldn't focus, i got crabby. So i spent a lot of time feeling like i needed a break but knew it wouldn't come until the school year. 

That's not to say that i did not have a great time this summer, because i did. i really, really did. it was different than last summer, but still so wonderful. 

I just learned that i can't do it all. 

So, now sleepy sunsets of august will soon turn to the bright, crisp mornings of all, and the leaves will change and i will fall in love with everything again as is what happens when autumn comes of visit. 

So, my dear summer, thank you for all you've given me. The tan lines, the messy hair, and the beautiful memories with even more beautiful people. 

if you're looking for my heart.....

look no further than the people in this photo. This is what i'm most thankful for in this very instant. Relationships that transcends age and martial status.

there are not enough words.

I get so emotional baby.....

The word disappointment hangs kind of heavy in the air today. Disappointment to me, makes me feel selfish. Like a 3 year old who didn't get her way.

I'm the adult version of that today. Today, i'm disappointed. I just read an article about maturity, and how, often, as women, we don't allow ourselves to feel emotions such as fear or disappointment, or anything other than contentedness, really. Instead we let them fester, which breeds anger.

Anger, as you know, and i certainly know, is a secondary emotion, expressed only when you're head and heart are full to the tipy top of things you've been holding in that have been poking you for just a tad too long.

Anger, as you know, looks good on exactly 0% of people.

Anyway, my point and the article's point was that it's ok to feel those emotions,and it's even healthy because then you know how to work though them.

Well, today i was disappointed. I was super looking forward to going to the farmers market today. I literally dreamed about strolling and flowers and coffee and all the laughs i would have with my dear friend. It was going to be sunny and fabulous and i'd get to spend 1 or 2 hours with my friend uninterrupted but any other humans.

and it sounded like heaven.

Well, when that didn't happen, today, which as a rational, big-girl, looking at it now is not a big deal in the slightest, i immediately stuffed what i was actually feeling and whipped out some sass and out the door i left in a huff.

and then i felt dumb for the following reasons

1. we can go to the farmers market pretty much any time. and we could go on Sunday, literally the day after today, and it would be the exact same form of wonderful.

2. my disappointment had nothing to do with the actual destination but rather that i could not spend 1 or 2 uninterrupted hours with my pal. Then i immediately felt ridiculous but that's a lot of pressure to put on someone and i have exactly none right to be that demanding.

So...i went to work, which i hated, and then i found out that i am not volunteering at VBS next week like i thought and i was disappointed again because:

1. i feel inadequate and i just want people to like me and this felt the opposite of being liked.

2. i had a plan and the plan did not work out.

Then i got a pedi with aforementioned friend and it was lovely except that i was still crabby and i didn't feel like going in to the depths of why i was crabby because i knew that i was being selfish and i was afraid it was turn into something bigger...so i hemmed and hawed and was generally crabby the whole day.

And now, i'm tired. I'm less disappointed and more blaze about the whole thing. I think we all have our days and as much i believe in honesty and saying how you feel, it's the hardest thing in the world for me to do.

because i talk myself out feeling justified and right into apology.

and the reality is that i feel a little worn out. Maybe i think I do more every day than other people do, or maybe i just feel less poured into by....anyone, really, than i have in a couple months.

so, today i was disappointed. I was a disappointed almost 30 year old who didn't get her way. and it was unattractive at best.

To whom it may concern:

I try really hard to make you all think i'm amazing. Really, though, i'm just a girl, who loves life a whole lot even though she has no idea what she's doing. Who's trying to exist in a world that broke her heart, and just wants to do the best she can. Sometimes, she's funny. She has a flair for the dramatic, and often isn't serious. She's clumsy and awkward. She wears her heart proudly on her sleeve and she doesn't quite know what to make of most things. She believes in the power of Jesus, she believes in kindred spirits, and community and a tribe of people who will chase you if you leave.  She believes in the type of love that is worth writing about, and late night heart to hearts and telling everyone exactly how you feel. She believes in traditions and story telling and front porch sitting and helping people move. She is passionate about life around the kitchen table. She hopes that someday she'll figure it all out, and that she'll make her people proud. She's doesn't try to be, but sometimes she's a pill. She loves hard. She plays hard, and she laughs hard. she loves the sound of summer and the smell of fall and her friends and family with all that's in her. 

This story, my story, is about broken hearts, and people just trying to do the best they can. This story is about saying "yes" and the power of friendships, and the power of Jesus. It's a story about trying, for better or worse. It's about falling down and getting back up. It's about triumph over tragedy. 

This is a story about becoming, the evolution of discovering who you are. It's about growing up and staying young.  It's about always becoming more like Jesus. Here, you'll find laughter, tears, hardship and compassion often all at the same time. You'll find truth and honesty that is real, and sometimes jarring. It's about the best and worst parts of you. It's about crying on the kitchen floor and bear hugs, and loud, belly laughs.

This story, is not mine alone. It's our story. 

So, my apologies. you'll soon see i'm not amazing, i'm actually just really lost but enjoying the adventure of being found an awful lot. So here are some pieces of me, pieces, that are not just mine, but rather also pieces of people I've gathered up along the way. I keep them tucked closely to my heart so I wont forget to what it was like, and i wont forget to be grateful. 

This will be a labor of love, and a project in which i will attempt to tell a story of love that is extraordinarily ordinary. My people. My thee am, hysterically cry, are still in the doorway after i slam the door. This is for them to see themselves in a new light. My light- my rose-colored, sepia toned, thankful light.

This is for them, and for all the lost boys, and the wanders, dreamers and the looking glass lookers. 

It is my prayer that through this journey of becoming we discover how found we truly are.

Who are you......

if you've ever wondered what cartoon i most identify with, it's alice in wonderland. One of my favorite parts is the caterpillar who is smoking hookah, blowing smoke rings at alice wondering who she is....

this is for alice and all the lost boys and everyone who's still searching....

I am
The opposite of put together
flawed. ripped jeans
stains on my shirt.
from spilling as i laugh too hard
i probably have something on my face

I am a deep wrinkle on my forehead
from a furrowed brow
of figuring things out myself.

I am a story reteller
with a flair for the dramatic
with hand gestures for days

i am a heart in search of what makes
my pulse beat deep within me.

i am a soul who longs for justice and peace
and heaven on earth.

I am an only child
grasping for things
that make me part something bigger

i am an empty hand
waiting for someone to grab it
and keep it safe
and not let go.

I am a train wreck
trying to figure out this life
thing with out a map

i am funny
because i'm not pretty

i am equal parts
heart broken and hopeful

I am...a believer
in Jesus and love
and being part of something  beautiful

I am attitude and concern
and desire to learn and make things better

i am lots of failures and mistakes
i am second chances and
hand holding and hugs when there are no words

I am willing
i am able
and waiting to be called.

I am a soft heart
fragile with my feelings
just wanting people to like me
and love me
and say i'm amazing.

i haven't heard that last part in awhile

and i'm staring to think i lost my sparkle.

Let me be singing when the evening comes....

There are times when I look around and everything feels foreign. Everything. and i wonder what the hell i'm even doing with my life?

But actually.

Then there are times, when you sit in places and drink beer and talk about college, and life before you knew each other, and how its scary to get your first big kid job. And you almost cry. And you plan parties and laugh about having soft hearts, and you show up on a whim wearing leggings knowing that it doesn't even matter. and you talk to your waitress about vacations and nail polish like you're old friends.

And i really like that.

I also really like getting texts from Rita, who just always knows when things aren't awesome and all she says is "I hope your day has turned around" and "wine and chocolate at my house whenever you need it"

and for the love.

How can you ever be disappointed when you have people like that in your life.

Jesus is such a funny little guy.

i can't remember the last time i was on vacation.

i might just say "fuck it" and go to nashville for my birthday  and turn 30 there and do what i want.

and also get "my anchor holds within the veil" with an anchor hanging off the last l tattoo on my body

because the reality is that nobody cares about pinkie swears and sentimental shit the way i do.

Here's to belonging, and being grateful and doing things the way makes sense to you, and being excited that the best is yet to come.

because it will.

let's all be freakin' brave.

THAT ONE TIME I GOT TO MEET MY FAVORITE WRITER  (well, living writer, anyway) BECAUSE I GOT SWEET CONNECTIONS.

i am actually besides myself.

BESIDE MYSELF.

i can't. i have no idea what to wear. or to say. or how i will be anything but a total spaz for the next two weeks.

i need to pull my shit together.

it's a 20 min skype date. and we wont all be in the fame. i'm ridiculous. i'm getting down off the ledge. Getting out of the deep end, you know...calming the eff down.

BUT I'M DYING ABOUT IT.

LISA.IS.MY.GIRL

ALWAYS AND FOREVER. sweet baby j. she makes my life better.

her life is kinda cray right now. Her heart is real big and soft and watching her hurt for other people makes my heart hurt...so just pray for her, cool?

she's the best kind of human, so it's def. prayers well prayed.

i'll do the splits over the gap for that girl, more than just stand in it. If you know me, you know that not a single part of my body is flexible except my thumb. and even that's risky.

BUT ANNIE AND LISA and all God's people said....

my life is crazy cool.

There comes a point when you will exhale

If we're being honest, or, really, if i'm being honest..I hate my body. pretty much everything about it.

 i'm a chubby kid. Always have been. I remember one time my mom asking the doctor if we should be concerned about my weight...i must have been 10? 11? maybe? Old enough to remember and young enough for my mom to be in the exam room with me. I remember my doctor telling me that i was active and strong and as long as i was running and playing and being a normal kid, she shouldn't worry.

and as soon as my mother stopped worrying (which by the way she didn't, she always made mom-ish comments never meant to make me feel bad....just make me aware i'm not a size 4)  Is the minute i started to notice. i started to look in the mirror with judgment. As i got older, I'd silently be sad about it and wondering why i couldn't be different.

i have glasses. My skin ebbs and flows with hissy fits. My butt is big. i have a double chin that i'm convinced is genetic and has always been a part of me. always. always. always.

I'm just big. and my face is round. my cheeks are forever chubby.

And if we're being honest, even when I was most most physically fit. i was still big.

I'm pretty strong. I'll give you that. I have some muscle. i have an athletic build for sure.

but i don't remember a time when i was smaller than a size 14. Ever. I feel like I've been on the verge of an eating disorder my whole life, but thankfully sometime keeps me in check. Jesus. My brain. The people who love me.

I'm funny, because i have to be. Because i'm not pretty not even a little. Don't get me wrong, i like that people think i'm funny. I like funny. I appreciate humor more than most things and i'm smart. and i wouldn't trade those traits to look like Jennifer Aniston or Jessica Beale ever.

i'm the funny best friend side kick. Boys almost never talked to me. Most people mistake my deep insecurity has confidence, because i believe i don't need a boy.

And i do believe that, but i also believe that i might not get one.  i don't need one. i just sometime want one. And the fear of rejection, the fear of someone smaller and prettier and more charming haunts me, like actually

I stare in the mirror and agonize and analyze every roll and lump and look at myself from the side, and most of the time really dislike what i see.

and i have beautiful friends. Like actually it's a little crazy how many beautiful friends i have. i love having pretty friends, but i'd be lying if it didn't make me feel less than sometimes. you know what it feels like to the be the least attractive person in the group? To be the one that somehow ruins photos because of a stupid face that they make? Also...photos make me want to die. holy hell. I can't even.

It gives me anxiety just thinking about it.

Ok, i know, if i hate what i see, why don't i change it? Well, i mean super valid question. I try. and i'm like...active....i just need to be super serious about things. Slash i need to understand that i look how i look. My face wont change. My DNA is my DNA.  I also know i'll never be a size 4. I don't want to be, either.

I just want to like what i see when i look in the mirror. I want my clothes to fit. I want to be healthy, and strong.

I vacillate between wanting to be super girly and wanting to play with the boys. I will always the girl who love dresses but  also loves baseball and rollerblading and can life things, some of which are moderately heavy.

My point? I don't know if i have one. Word vomit in a safe place. I don't i've ever been super honest with anyone that isn't God or my mother about how much i have a terrible bod image, which is directly tied to self worth.

which is disgusting. I sit with my small group of high school girls who are worried about all the same things. I tell them that it will get better, you'll learn to love your body and that they are beautiful.

I am still waiting of that day, too and i'm almost 30. so...who knows when that day will be for me. Maybe never.

I fight the battle every day of seeing myself the way God sees me and the way a very human, very critical me sees myself, and most days i loose the battle.

It's not sad, really, as it is just honest.

Please don't think that i sit around and cry about my body because i don't. At least, not a lot. I can make a joke about it, i deal pretty well, but sometimes it's just the worst.

And trust me, there are big societal pressures pressin' down on me. Under pressure, indeed, and i know they are dumb and not true....but it still doesn't change that fact that the standard of beauty is ingrained in me and i don't fit those standards.

most of the time it's cool. I like being a honey badger, I march proudly the the beat of my own, off beat drum, i do what i want and its fine. But it's still a struggle, you know? And i'd like to think that one day it wont be.

And sometimes, i really like my butt and i look at it in the mirror. I fill out jeans (when they fit) like a boss.

but sometimes i want to wear cute riding boots and cute dresses that don't make me look i'm a circus bear riding a toy bike and a fat guy in a little coat.

I mean seriously.

I'm a work in progress absolutely, 1000% over. I am flawed and broken and honest, and raw and i will fight for you to love yourself but then turn right around and hate myself....but i know that it makes me endearing, it makes me able to have a space to tell a story that someone can relate to, and will listen to. My struggle will preach. My struggle will show jesus. My struggle will makes  someone else's burden lighter. You are not alone girls. I get it. Let's be beautiful together.

And i'm so thankful for the women in my life, my mama has tried so hard to instill all the right things in me and to teach me what true beauty is.

My soul might be beautiful and i hope that people can see that.

Currently I have writer's remorse. I haven't even posted it yet, and already i feel like i've shared too much of the ugly with you. Too much of the crap that i try push out the way all the time.

it's too personal and i don't want you to feel bad for me because i'm not unhappy. I'm not sad. I'm just being real about what 29 years of being this girls has meant.

i have a beautiful life. My life is actually so great and lovely, but we all have something, right? this for sure is mine.

So, can you gain anything form this? Probably not, just that i'm horribly human, and i fake confidence on the regular, and i'm just trying to live a good life and love Jesus the best way i can.

And i really love brownies.

i don't know. Just be nice to each other.

Someone is on your side.....

Lately, nostalgia has been hanging out on my couch, which I don't really mind, I guess. I kind of like when she comes to visit. Every memory, even the not so lovely ones, seem a little sun-kissed. Light and laughter and the memory of struggle and success flood my mind like old Polaroids collaged on a bulletin boards. Each date carefully written in black sharpie. Some corners are bent, and worn from use, others are have only recently been taken out and put on display.

Lately, I've been thinking about last summer and how things have morphed and changed and blossomed since then. I think about Africa, and feeling how present Jesus was. How completely i let people into my life and heart. How so many small things snowballed into life now, as we know it. that summer, when my heart broke all the way open. That summer when the person (people) on the other side of the table believed in me. That summer when i felt the most loved and protected i ever have by people who i do not share chromosomes with. 

We'll talk about that summer as the summer of Africa. We'll remember it so sweetly, and with such care. When we remember it, we'll hold it with two hands because it's extra fragile because when we look at it now, as if looking at an x-ray, that our hearts, all of them, were just out in the open, beating, unprotected. And they all broke. And, i think, that in picking up the pieces, i grabbed some of theirs, so they are now part of me, and i would venture to say the same is true of them....but you'd have to ask them.  i tend to get too attached and i tend to think about things in super poetic ways, so them might not think like that at all. 

As I hang out on memory lane with my old pals, one thing keeps coming to mind: a Bible verse. If you know me at all, you know that i don't think in Bible verses. never have. But for whatever reason, John 13:7 will not go away: Jesus replied, "You don't understand now what I am doing, but someday you will."

As much as I would like to pretend I don't understand this slash sometimes I would rather say "i don't know what's going on in my life" this all makes sense. All of it, which is both annoying and beautiful. Mostly, it's beautiful. What's beginning to make sense is that things happen, and you can choose to see Jesus in them or not. You can choose to feel like a charity case, or you can choose to see how beautiful authentic relationships are. We said "yes's" instead of no's. that matters.

While some things may have run their course, their significance is maintained. Roots need to be established before anything can grow and produce fruit that can sustain people. I think that in being who i need to be for the people in my life, I am learning to be more me. Does that even make sense? i will look back on this and understand what's happening in the here and now so much better, and i'll marvel at how intricately intertwined our lives and stories are, and how none of it is by mistake and none of it is for our glory.

We are all being shaped, and changed, challenged and supported and we are figuring it out together, which is scary and frustrating. sometimes we all need separate corners. room to breathe. time to think. some of it makes sense, and some of it doesn't. someday, though, it will.

And in another year or two when nostalgia comes for a visit. I'll pull out my memories, blow off the dust, and I'll probably be all weepy through my smiles because what I'll see is not myself. Not an exceptional group of people or circumstances, but, instead, I'll see Jesus.

i believe in thing called love.

I haven't made a good list in a long time. Mostly because i haven't had the attention span or the desire to make one.

 But for tonight, for the sake of having nothing else to do, here are some things, i believe in:

1. Saying "i love you" when you drop someone off that you love. You never know when you'll see them again.

2. Eating dinner together. As a family, as a group of friends, as a community. Sitting down to focus on each other is huge. Relationships matter and the time you get to spend with the special ones is always too short.

3. Helping. No offer is too small. A donation, an offer of help, to mow a yard, read a book with a kid, watch a baby. It all counts. It all matters.

4. Having at least one "spill your guts, cryin in front of " friend. You know. Someone you trust with the most fragile parts of you? That. Find one and hold on to her.

5. A go to outfit. A dress. some great jeans a t-shirt. Whatever makes you feel beautiful and good in your skin.

6. A day once in awhile where you don't get out of your jim jams and you drink coffee and watch whatever you want all day...and you don't don't answer the phone.

7. A day every now and again, that you go an adventure in your own city. Go to your favorite stores, grab coffee, find some great antiques. It's real good for your soul.

8. have coffee with your friends.

9. Hug the people you love.

10. Pray every day for other people before yourself.

11.  Make playlists for things like when it's raining, fall, when you're doing work.

12. reading about things you love. things that challenge you. things that break your heart.

13. being a kid sometimes.

14. Laughing. as often and as hard as you can.

15. letting people surprise you and help you and generally love you.

16. I believe in, as much as i can, that god's got me. and you. and he'll take care this world.

17. honoring your word, and your commitments.

18. Find a kid. and love them. pour into them. take them out for coffee. it can literally change the way things work.

My anchor holds within the veil.

It's late-ish, I haven't been sleeping well, so, naturally i'm still up.  The light in my room is still on and i am typing away all the thoughts that are in my head, instead of having visions of sugar plums dancing in them.

If you don't get that, I'm sorry, I cannot help you.

I'm reading a lot lately, which is exactly what I should be doing. i mean, among other things (like sleeping, drinking enough water, eating dinner....ahem...i'll conquer that, tomo, maybe). I read "let's all be brave" In about five minutes and loved every word. Annie Downs is absolutely my soul sister. She gets me and my heart.  This book is not an amazingly deep or anything but it is as charming, and funny and heart grabbing as you'd want something to be. It's beautiful and it makes me want to be brave.

So, obviously i've been thinking a lot about who is brave in my life. Currently, i don't feel brave. I feel comfortable. I want things to just be real chill, I don't want to fall or fail or, worse yet succeed totally. like slam dunk it because then i will be wracked with guilt for not doing it sooner.

i find myself smack dab in the middle of a lot of things. My most favorite friend is 10 years old than i am. i spend my time with people either 10+ years older or 10+ years younger. and i'm just sort of in the middle trying to figure it all out.

But it's kind of a great place to be because i'm surrounded by bravery on all fronts. My sweet 8 year old nick, who because he is so young is trying everything for the first time and is kind of everyone, especially the kids who need a little extra lovin', and in kid world that's a big deal because you get made fun of for being friends with the kid who pees his pants or falls down a lot. He love completely and without hesitation and that is hard and brave and i love every last bit of him.

My high school girls who are fighting the body image, popularity, label war. Bless their hearts they are in the trenches, and trying to figure it all out. They fail a whole bunch, but they keep trying. They are about to go to college, they are about to leave all the comfort of 18 years of lovin' for something brand new. That will change them and challenge them. They'll do it with the regulars to help them.

They are about to become who they'll be. Rad, right? And i get to watch it for as long as God keeps me in it. It's a huge honor to be let in on their lives, to be given room to speak and listen and care. I do not take that lightly, and feel so incredibly blessed to have the opportunity to love these girls through their most formative and confusing years.

Then we have my 10+'s. My best girl is the bravest girl i know. I learn from her all the time. She pushes me and makes me crazy and does things that are born out of nothing but love and integrity. She does it all so selflessly. I don't think she really realizes how much i want to be like her when i "grow up." When i stop and think about all she's done, all shes does and has been through and how she always tries to do the right thing even when she has every right to be mad, and broken and bitter.

she doesn't. That is a big, big deal. also, That time she went to africa, though. She's blazes that trail for me and comes back to help me walk down mine. There will never be enough words of gratitude to express my love or thankfulness. It's funny to think that we are the same kind of different. That of all the people in this world, we've found each other.

The other women at my "table" who eat with me, let me into their lives, have stories that put mine to shame every time. The women who trust me with their kids, and their hearts and their stories.

Again. There are not enough words.

And tonight, as i'm driving home with the scent of summer on my skin, and heart so full of love and awe of how Jesus takes care of us, i was just hit by the importance of this season. I get poured into, i can then pour into my littles.

i'm not lost. I'm home. I'm not wandering, I'm following my heart. I'm not immature. i'm learning and becoming.

I'm not alone. I am deeply, and profoundly loved.

It's this beautiful, torch passing, water pouring, out door table, hand holding, heart tuggin' imagery that makes me weepy. It's where my puzzle pieces fits and my heart feels home. I'm surrounded by beautiful examples of bravery.

"It’s not about age, and it’s not about experience, and it’s not about this looming gap between us. It’s about linking arms as sisters, one a step behind, one a step ahead, all of us marching forward together. Let’s forget the word mentor and focus on friendship. May we embrace, may we invest, and may we accept one another, just as we are."

if this waiting lasts forever, i'm afraid i might let go....

I can't even tell you how much emotion this song stirs up in me. I literally want to cry every time i hear it.

It's on right now, against my better judgement it's on a playlist. It reminds me of sadness but also the overcoming and what Jesus can do in a broken pieces. and that's beautiful. and a reason to sing. Ahem...see what i did there.

This weekend was wonderfully introverted. I don't need it a lot, but sometimes I do need a couple of days alone to recharge.

I slept, i read a whole book, and i cleaned, kinda. I didn't do as much as i wanted to, but weekends are short and there is time to get it all done.

There's a dog that lives here now. He's cute.

also, i hung with teens tonight. Contrary to popular belief, i know what i'm doing with them and if you let me, i'll do a really great job.

I feel like i'm settling into myself again. She got away from me for a bit, but i think we're getting to know each other quite well again.

i'm thankful for that.

You run me down, right restless and wild....

My people are gone this weekend. I'm left to hold down the fort....and i could not be more excited about it.

Im gonna clean all the things and blast the jam and magic eraser shit....but that stuff is the bees knees. like actually.

I'm gonna do my laundry and read and float in the pool and not get out of my pajamas and i might not talk to single soul all weekend, unless my small girls come over...in which case....then i will speak. but we will sit on the couch and watch sex and the city and exist.

Also, i will watch stand by me, and fold and organize.

and also, i'll make a play list that is just songs that remind me of people. It'll be so random and wonderful.

and maybe i'll finally get around to making that inspiration board. and i'll paint my nails.

And it will probably be the best ever.

Today, i stumbled upon a "throw back thursday" playlist on spotify.  Also remember Judging Amy. I LOVED THAT SHOW. and also "any day now" on lifetime.

whatever. i don't want to talk about it.

As if Sportify didn't already occupy a large part of my heart.

Also, Adele 25 is coming out? It there was ever doubt that  Jesus loves us, this proves it.

For the love. I'm giddy and so, so, so, happy.

thanks, Jesus.

Memories for miles and miles....

I'm finding lately, that the simplest things, the most common, everyday things are taking my breath away. A baseball double play, a hug form a kid, a phone call, a sunset, a really great book, best friends, your favorite sweatshirt.

it's all so normal. but it's all so special.

I'm thankful for the every day. For it's constantsy. I'm thankful for it's sweet beauty and simplicity. Thankful that it's all i need.

I love singing in the car, i love being sun-kissed, i love feeling so tired at the end of the day when you've laughed a lot, i love dirty feet and tired bodies. I love sitting around a making plans, and actually doing them.

There is so much I can do, but i don't want to do any of it alone because life is better with company, and its too short to see the ocean by yourself.

I guess I need to find some people who will be willing to plan and dream and build with me.

The smell of summer is thick in my hair tonight. I'm the kind of happy that comes from jumping into the pool and hugging the people you love.

I'm not a toucher, really it's not my love language persay...but there are specific people whose hugs make my world spin on it's axis the right way, and push all the pieces of my heart together.  and the truth is, i haven't hugged those people in awhile. I think sometimes we forget about how simple but how altering a hug can be.and how completely you can feel found when it happens.  But, that is to say, i'm not going to die on that hill.

And i think i've been doing a pretty great job of just loving people and taking care of things lately, but don't quote me on that. You'd have to ask the people around me.

and i don't actually want to know the answer.

but i've been trying. I've been listening and thinking and doing what i think is right. I've been reminding myself that love doesnt keep score and that it doesn't cost anything to be nice.

But right now, in the this very minute of my life. I'm thankful for little boys who love me, and summer nights and worship songs and memories you can pull up and can make you feel the exact what you did when it orginally happened.

I'm in the business of memory making, and the ones lately have been so sweet and dripping with sweetness that i cannot smile any bigger if i tried.

So here's the beautiful weekend, for not having unreasonably expectations, for loving people the best way i know and for letting roll out the way it will.

Because there's nothing i can do about it anyway.

i find myself kneeling by the bed to pray, i haven't done this in a while so i dont know what to say.

Once upon a time. I was real sparkly. Lots of people "loved" me. I did a lot of stuff. I got the chance to run with a lot of things. I got to be on inside of all lot of things.

It built me up.

and then it shattered me.

The rise an fall of the Roman Empire as it were. Murphy's law, etc. i fall hard.

When your hands, and knees and heart are scraped, you don't want to move....because it's hurts, right? Like we're so afraid of bumping a scrape or falling again that we get paralyzed.

Some how the God that was so mighty, and so awesome is somehow smaller because all you gave your heart to, didn't love you back.

and then you're....ahem I....just got stuck. It's easy to be angry. It's easy to shut down. It's easy to push everyone away....and then be angry when no one chases you.  While you sit there as your heart screams for someone to notice you.

it's easy. until it makes you cry a lot. It's easy until it's not.

I'm completely in a season of becoming. It sucks. It sucks even more when you keep God at arms length because you feel like he let you down. I've been walking around in a cloud of anger for a quick minute now.

And it finally go to be too hard. too toxic. Too exhausting. so....my wall kind of fell, and on the other side was the truth of having an incredibly wounded heart, and the truth that i needed to forgive and apologize. Each in their own time.

Both things are super hard and there is no magic formula on how to do any of it, and no one is gonna do it for you.

So, i'm doing a bunch of apologizing and letting people off the hook because they are human and hurting and on a journey as much as i am and we just don't know how to do the life thing right. In apology my heart gets less cold. I remember how much good accompanied the heart break. There was so much laughter. There were incredible moments of  Jesus, there was sweetness in the sour. and i remember and i am thankful.

but we are trying.and i can't get mad about that. My heart is strong and it will find it's missing pieces.

i'm also learning that i can't just go back to doing what i did. I'm different now, my needs and passions have changed a little bit. I've learned and grown and pruned and refined.

So what do i do with that. Well, I understand that my place is simply returning to where i began, but rather embracing the experience, and  counting it important.

My heart is ready for more. Tonight I went back to Nea Mitera and while it's crystal clear that i don't belong there, it's also clear that i need to do something and maybe I need to build it, but i need to plunge my hands in the dirt again. up to my elbow and let God lead me.

I love the urban setting. I understand better than ever before what i believe about being missional and what good, and healthy and effective missions look like.

I know I am called to love and do and my servant's heart is crying out for a space to get started. I just dont know where.

I've been wandering the desert because i've been to afraid to trust God with my heart again. Too afraid that my bottom with drop out. So filled with doubt.

i prayed out loud for the first time in forever, and i didn't know what to say and somehow the words came and i remembered  what its like to trust God. What its like when he's at the center of relationships and when we actually hang out and i let him be apart of my plan.

So i fell off track a little but i believe i can get back on and be better than i was before.

I love my people, even the ones that i was angry at, Kindred spirits don't come along too often and you should do what you can to hold on to them.

Even if it means being humbled and brought to your knees not having words.

i literally feel like a weight has been lifted. That I understand now, what love really, really looks like and that i don't have to guess about it, or doubt it or worry about it.

And as much as it is very Wizard of Oz "you've had the power all a long" I expect everyone else to get me back to who i am. I expect the truth to come in like a wrecking ball form someone else.

But it had to come from me. And i understand that people wont chase me. People aren't going to necessary love me the way i want them to, but they'll love with with all they have.

This is a journey of understanding "enough" and now's a good as time as any to take off running.

Hold on real tight.

My life is made up of equal parts dreamers and do-ers. Dreamers, you know the ones that are wide eyed and slightly air-heady who like to talk about how great things would be, and what amazing work they could, we could, she could do....if only. The that will probably never had real jobs and will read a lot of books just to sound....smart  and that's where it will stay.

I love them, bless their hearts, but they are pretty much useless when it comes to accomplishing anything.

Then i have my do-ers. My get shit done-er. My "make a plan and excute"-eres. The "why is everyone standing around"-ers

I often find myself in both camps. Some days I can dream big with the best of them and other days i'm gettin' it done because someone has to do it.

What I love most about my community of weirdos is how very much "come as you are" "act how it is" we are. How you can just show up and hang out or show up and lose your shit.  There is always grace, there is always words of encouragement and a space safe enough to be the most you. The most raw, the most unfiltered, and the most heart exposing you could ever be.  We can eat great food and binge watch shows and just paint your nails.  its sitting outside throwing a beach ball back and forth and home work and watermelon with salt. it's building walls in the rain and laying in wheelbarrows in the sun. It's just life...or something like it.

This is what community looks like. it's teens who come over just to hang out, and 28 year old come to heal their hearts. it's friday night game nights and late night resume tweaks and slumber parties with 8 year old or your senior girls. It's giving someone a room when they had no where to go. I never thought a house would become such a part of me, but alas i'm wrong again, and really, what else is new, these days? Am i right?

it's making it all work when its easier not to, and finding joy even in the hard places.

it's knowing that my life has changed for the better even though the road seems slow.

It's understand Jesus love a little bit more because we've found a place where are weird is welcome and our hearts fit together like friendship necklaces.

I feel like knowing exactly what will make people laugh is sacred and special and not be the taken lightly. Knowing how to make someone feel loved and important is perhaps our greatest gift and duty. And  wearing someone else's sweat shirt because you're cold  or you need to borrow their strength. It's funny things like that that tether us together in ways that we cannot understand.

You understand divity more when these very human people staring  at you from across the room continually forgive after you've been terrible. It's when they listen for the 39th time about the same thing. It's when they hug you even when you need it and You don't even know you need it.

It's the knowing without having to be told. it's total trust that these people wont break your heart, that they'll carry you when you've fallen.

that's community. that's how we're created to exist, and when you find it, you hold on real tight. for dear life.

There are no words left to say it's true, God gave me you.....

Sometimes i need to go home to re-calibrate. To remember. To not lose my mind. 

Home did that for me this weekend. I love Green Bay and those who still call it home, but mostly i love my family for the way the love me.  We jam packed as much fun into three days as possible. We laughed, we talked,we swam, we drove and moseyed, I ate strawberries until i felt sick and i got to celebrate my dad's birthday with him. 

*to quote annie downs, "when i emote, i emote in runons" * forgive me. 

It was beautiful and so fun and exactly what i needed. 

i needed to go home to feel like myself again and as i drove away from green bay and it faded in my rear view mirror.. my heart twisted because i'm so lucky to have my heart in two places but it's also hard when you can't just mash up all your worlds and they can all exist at the time. 

I also drove through Eau Claire which literally makes my heart skip some beats. It's beautiful and is full to the tippy top of memories and there is no other place like it. 

I'm so blessed and my life is so beautiful and i'm just a happy little camper. 

i'm so tired and just sitting in my bed with a perma grin and tomorrow i'll pull off a really fun trick. 

And i'm so excited to see my people here and to live this life that is full of all the awesome. :) 

i don't know what love' is up to these days but it sure looks like it's hanging around.....

One time at a concert, Tony Lucca once said that his favorite road was the one that lead him home.

And then i died because how beautiful is that?

Tomorrow, i'll get on highway 29 and it will take me to Green Bay. My first love. My first city of any significance.

It will bring me to my family. To back patios and cook outs. To Popsicle and green grass and warm summer winds. I will hug my gma and everyone will be happy and excited but they'll also want to stop time because a weekend just doesn't seem like enough time.

i'll remember being small in my jammies, a sparkler in one hand and popscile in the other waiting for the fireworks to start, surrounded by my family. I'd stare in total awe of the big bursts of light in the air praying that it would never end. When it was over, we'd pile ourselves in the car and listen to great music as we waited to get out of the parking lot.

It would feel like i got to stay up soooooooo late and it would feel like a really special day and these memories would come back to visit whenever July crept up.

Fireworks remind me of family. Fireworks remind me of being a kid. Fireworks remind me that not everything is complicated and that growing up can still have elements of kids like fun.

This weekend, I'll celebrate my dad's birthday. i'll celebrate the man he is and how much he loves me and how he could have been a lot of things but being my dad was his biggest priority.

I'll hang with my mom and grandma and we'll do all kinds of things. I'll probably do some chores, but I will be doing them with the most grateful heart.

The road that leads me home always reminds me of my roots and who i am and i'm always better because of it.

Thank the lord, I am here and now....

One of my favorite things about summer is driving.

Windows down, music up, driving into the sunset, the smell of summer in the air, sun-kissed skin and the day in your rear view mirror. It turns any bad day, into a better one, and great days even more beautiful.

I was crabby all day. I have no idea why. nothing in particular set me off. I just work up disgruntled. I hate that.

It seems to me, that i am the worst version of myself lately. You can ask the people that are close to me, i'm sure they'll agree. it's unpleasant for everyone. it's like my heart is screaming for the people in my life to tell me how much they love me and they just wont. I know that my people love me, but i've been asking them to prove it, and it's just been terrible. I don't know how i can be more needy now that my life is kind of in order, when last summer i was more mellow and the road was way more bumpy.

I was reading old blogs from last year and last year we were all gearing up for Lisa to go to Uganda. I was weepy about the whole thing. My heart was bursting, and so thankful to see such a tangible example of both God's provision and God's power. The whole thing gives me goosebumps and who Lisa is as a person still makes me weep because she's the real deal and she's just such a special little gem to me. Literally thinking about it now, my dumb eyes are welling. i can't help me, i have a soft dramatic heart.

Everything about last summer, though it was full of hard, hard stuff, is etched beautifully in my mind. Blue skies and thankful hearts. We all loved each other super hard and i felt like a belonged somewhere special. Like our hearts had known each other forever. Kindred. Something that worked because Jesus was all over it.

I still believe that's true, but I am struggling to see it and maybe it's because i'm further from God than i have been in awhile. I desperately want to feel the way i did not even a few months ago.  I want to stop hurting the people who done nothing but love me. I want to believe that they think i'm amazing.

Somehow i got caught on up labels and what it means to be family and what having a best friend look like and all of a sudden i lost my damn mind. All of a sudden i second guessed everything and need affirmation from people who's love i never questioned before i tripped.

I want to laugh and talk and create a beautiful memories like we always have. I want to drive into the sunset and dream wild dreams like we always have. The cool thing about Jesus is that even when you're like " nah, i'm good, i don't need you right now"  he never leaves.

Well,  I need him. i need to feel like i'm an important part of something beautiful, again.

So pray for me, k? That would be rad.

What makes you stay....

On days when your head cannot make sense of the truth. When you're unsure and the words don't come out right. When you try and fail and try and fail and it seems like a big circle of the same old, same old.  When you are literally looking at your people wondering how in the world they are still here, and you wonder what makes them stay when everything is probably telling them to throw in the towel because you're too much of a train wreck. 

You read the list of tweets that you've written about the people you love the most over that last year. You re-read old blogs about your best girl going to Africa and how much you loved and laughed and existed before things got different. And how you struggled to make sense of things in the hard seasons, and how even when things were total shit, the characters and the goodness won. love won and will continue to win. And you're just kind of in awe of all of it. 

And those dusty, sweet memories somehow becomes louder than the lies because you remember what that love felt like and how you can still feel it, when you're not being a terrible human. 

Last year all i wanted to do was sit at the kitchen table and talk about life and dream big dreams and eat really, really great food and laugh and cry until it was late the breeze through the kitchen window smelled sweet and the light in the kitchen flooded everyone in their most beautiful glow.

This year is less kitchen table and more...office chats, and living room times, and doorway conversations and more hugs and outdoor chores and projects in the rain and coffee dates and awkward side hugs when you're weeping. and Saturday morning coffees. Different but still beautiful.

It's still all i want to do. i want to look at old photos and hear stories and read old yearbooks and plan anniversary parties and these people so much that it makes me weepy. instead of being scared. Instead of trying to push them away. 

I want to plan epic birthday weeks and birthday parties and i want to let go of all the fear and cross the scary bridges when and if they come. 

What do you say in moments like this? You just let your heart lead the way. 

i'm gonna go watch Meet the Robinsons with Nick because he's the best. :) 

preach

As children we found ways to protect ourselves from vulnerability, from being hurt, diminished, and disappointed. We put on armor; we used our thoughts, emotions, and behaviors as weapons; and we learned how to make ourselves scarce, even disappear.  Now as adults we realize that to live with courage, purpose, and connection-to be the person whom we long to be-we must again be vulnerable.  We must take off the armor, put down the weapons, show up, and let ourselves be seen."

                                                                            -Brene Brown

for my next trick i'll attempt to be an adult and have hard conversations without making people hate me. 

success rate predictions....slim to none. 

it never took much convincing for me to believe in you.....

Today was less than stellar, although having an adventure with Shellie and laughing in the office helped quite a bit.

Nothing, literally nothing makes me fall in love with the world again the way the city of St. Paul does. Whatever the season, it's lovely and constant and is home to some of the fondest memories and deepest heart break. It's a tapestry of streets and parks and food and walks and talks woven together by my experience and love and complete naivete that everything will work out the way its supposed to.

In the story of my life, St. Paul would be it's own character. She has shown me more about the world and what i love and who i am than any single person i know. She is full of leaps of faith and hard falls, big dreams and plans to change the world.

She is history and she is the future rolled into one sprawling cityscape.

St. Paul some how reminds me about what matters, for it is in her care where i truly learned about community, and sacrifice and commitment. She is the knower of the all things and loves me because of it.

Standing by the river with the people who have loved me sacrificially, and unconditionally, looking for the right, perfect words havin no idea that i'm watching them exist. Feeling both grateful and guiltily that they've rearranged so much of their lives for me.

Watching them and watching the river the is overflowing, the smell of summer, the humidity in the air, just hanging there like words unspoken, the feel of summer on my skin was overwhelming to the point where i literally had no words.

they completely failed me. I don't know how to say i love and i'm sorry in the same breath with thank you and you'll never understand how important you are.

So, St. Paul, i tip my little summer hat to you, and your beautiful city,  I am so grateful for the role you play in my story.

this photo was from my first big girl apartment. The is the view out of the living room window. This is where the city stole my heart. It's where i fell in love with life and people and Jesus. It's the only other place i've ever felt "home" like i belong there besides Geebs and now the grove. There are pieces of me all over that city and i couldn't be happier about it.

Fridays are supposed to be amazing....

Well, fuck what happens when they aren't.

this is soooooo cute, and "That's what's up"

love.

Dangerous Church....

I've been real unimpressed with my churches current series, because i think they're doing it all wrong. 

I realize, i'm a little bit of a peanut gallery in this instance, but sill, i will get out my soap box and stand up for just a quick minute. 

To me, a dangerous church, is something more than just getting people to volunteer inside the church.  It's part of it, for sure, but certainly not the main point. 

But to be connected.. to the world, the larger Body, even if it's not for a Jesus driven agency. 

Be nice to your neighbors, like your literal neighbors, volunteer at your kids' school, volunteer at a homeless shelter, go on a missions trip. do...something. anything...just do it with love. like for real. 

We're called to love people, and that's is exactly what we should be doing, when it hard and awkward and easy and fun....The fact that we are kind and we help where we can when we can is for sure a first step. 

As lame as it sounds...or as cliche...at least...as it is, we might be the only gospel people ever see...so why only use that to be in small groups or volunteer in children's ministry. 

Go somewhere and help someone that doesn't love Jesus or someone who does because it's the right thing to do. 

A dangerous church is fighting slavery, and hunger, and violence instead of worry about numbers. A dangerous church is pushing their people out of comfortable. They are pushing their people beyond just donating money to a cause. They should be pushing people toward experiencing diversity, and cultures and being more accepting of humans in general. 

I just don't think it's that complicated to love like Jesus did. Uncomfortable, sure, but not super hard and we tend to complicate and suburbanize what the gospel looks like and i hate that. 

I realize i have a servant heart. I know, that my ideas on how churches work is jaded, but i just think that the bible in it of itself is compelling and beautiful and doesn't need to be simplified by awkward humor or strage songs for the radio that doesn't necessarily even relate to the message. 

just help people and don't be an asshole. 

you're gonna make me lonesome when you go...

I want to talk about beginnings.

Humble, organic, beginnings.  The ones that sneak up on you, and grab your heart without even realizing it.

and you think "when i met you, i had no idea how important you'd be"

And you think how it began with slow,  somewhat random steps, and before you know it, you're waist deep in a history

Today, begins the first day of summer, which I spent with a pint sized mister who is now a regular in my cast of important people and a girl who had me at "i have no idea what's going on," who is more of a guest star, popping up here and there but she's sweet. She's one of my small girl, who is nervous all the time and i'm pretty sure it's just because no one ever took the time it just hear her.

And now, i'm sitting in my bed, sleepy form sun and life and so overwhelmed with love that i can't help be remember it all began in the summer.  My mom likes to use the word "kismet" while i prefer "kindred" but poe-tate-o, poe-tot-o.  Some people are just speical. Sometimes it makes no sense, and you fight it at first, and then you give me, because it just makes sense it makes you a better human, and you know in your heart that it's how it's supposed to be.

Last summer began with crazy schedules, hot weather, new jobs, no jobs, and  no school.  I think i kind of feel in love over the kitchen table. Over good food, and late night talks, and summer nights. It was the first time i felt like i belonged anywhere. It was the beginning of breaking and  healing, and it's so significant i could write on it forever. The way my heart bursts for the people who share the table with me is something not easily described in words.

 And, then, at some point, either i made it up or it's real. I felt a shift. I felt that my people loved me less.  that they stopped liking me and i got scared and then i was unsure about everything and somehow i doubt everything. I get afraid that the people whom i love so much are sick of me, and want me to leave but they are too afraid to say anything. and then it turns into mush in my brain and i literally become the worst.

I self destruct so that if things go south, i can just blame myself and my heart can feel less broken, only to realize that by being a pill, i'm ruining everything, and it just makes everything hard.

and nothing has changed in anyone else head but mine. I've speculated, and worried and made things up to the point where the truth is buried so deep under the lies that i literally cannot find it. and then i start need affirmation i wouldn't have before. and i literally lose my brain.

so, you can see how this can be problematic.

But tonight, as summer begins, so do i.  I'm going to begin by apologizing, I'm going to chose the right time and the right words and they will be simple, and then i'm going to stop thinking that everyone will eventually break my heart.

And if they do, I'll simply begin again, and that's ok.

So here's to the beginning of this summer and to what's to come for better or worse. Here's to getting tattoos, with or without each other, and for loving well, and apologizing when you should, and just enjoying the people who are in your life

I don't know what's going to happen, but , "I have that familiar conviction that life was beginning over again with the summer.” 

also, read Gatsby. just do it. the language is beautiful.

I try to love Jesus and myself.

Dear Everyone,

I try really hard to make you all think i'm amazing. when, really, i'm just a girl, who loves life a whole lot even though she has no idea what she's doing. Who's trying to exist in a world that broke her heart, and just wants to do the best she can and is sometimes funny. She's clumsy, her heart is on her sleeve and she doesn't quite know what to make of most things. She believes in the power of Jesus, she believes in kindred spirits, and soul mates and community and a tribe of people who will chase you if you leave.  She believes in love that is worth writing about, and late night heart to hearts and telling everyone exactly how you feel. She believes in traditions and story telling and front porch sitting and helping people move. She is passionate about life around the kitchen table, and misses those sweet moments of last summer that happened around the table. She hopes that someday she'll figure it all out, and that she'll make her people proud. She's doesn't try to be, but sometimes she's a pill. She loves hard. She plays hard, and she laughs hard. she loves the sound of summer and the smell of fall and her friends and family with all that's in her. 

So, my apologies. i'm not amazing, i'm actually just really lost but enjoying the adventure of being found a lot. 

Thank you for finding me, and thank you for the care, and screw you for making me think that this life might be fair.....

Sometimes it takes awhile to see outside yourself. but when you do, you realize that you owe the world like a million apologies.

And,, while i've got a whole bunch of pride that is bruised on the regular, i'm not above apologizing.


so. Waiting on the right words.

Sometimes i need a spoonful of humility. and sometimes i need a plateful.

This is a plateful moment. And i'm ok with that.

It is a story told by an idiot full of sound and fury, signifying nothing....

My personality is absolutely split in half.

I am independent, I stubborn and I am sassy. I like to debate and be right and have my shit together.

I do not like asking for help, or feeling vulnerable, or not knowing something.

I like to be good at things. I don't like feeling small.

I can fake confidence with the best of them. Most of the time you'll never know that i'm scared to death that i'll be replaced or that you'll stop loving me, or people will just leave and everyone will find out that i have no idea what i'm doing.

Mosy days, i hate my body and look in the mirror hoping to see something different i did the day before.  I stand there, confused about why people love me, and i begin to second guess whether or not it's even real.

And i don't know where that comes from and that is the most frustrating part. i don't know who told me i wasn't good enough.

There are days when i just need to lay my head in someones lap and cry or when i just need someone to see how hard i'm trying and just say.....i see you.

i feel invisible sometimes, and i just want someone to see.

Instead i get in my car, and i drive and i scroll through my phone and realize, i don't have a "friend you call when you just can't"

So i drive, and i turn the radio up real loud and i make turns randomly as i try to figure out when broke in my and when.

A work in progress is my life story. Thank goodness Jesus loves me, its just sometime the lies are louder than anything else.

i'm trying to hear the truth...but everything real rocky and i'm afraid i'll ruin just about everything i care about.

So theres that. Here's the other thing, I really, really, do think the world is a beautiful place and i think that people are good and try hard. I'm not a debbie downer about the world, it's just sometimes i feel real alone. and i am not wired to be alone unless i wanna be.