You used to be much more..."muchier." You've lost your muchness

this.quote. yes. my life.

I feel like I've lost my "muchness." 

I spent a lot of time trying to make sense of everything, when really, i don't know that it's possible. I need to make sense of it though, because then I'm less scared about the everything. But, as you can imagine, most of the time, it doesn't go particularly well.

On Tuesday someone asked me when i was going to start living my life. Literally. That happened.

It wasn't meant to be an offensive statement. It was born out of complete love and concern and general curiosity.

For real, Nicole. When?

Well, shit. Am I not living a life? Am i just treading water. what do you call what I've been doing for the last year.

cue mass panic.

I've been in a bit of a rebuilding process as of late, but I think construction has been super slow. Currently, I'm kind of looking for my heart beat, and also, my spark. these things are helpful in figuring out just who exactly you are.

I don't know if I've ever had a tight handle on that.  don't know if I ever will. How do you know when you've arrived? Is that even the point? to arrive anywhere? Shouldn't we be consistently evolving?

All i know is that my life feels a little like Groundhog's Day. I keep waking up stuck in the same...whatever.....end result always being the same no matter how many factors i change.

And if you re trucking with my metaphor, I'm waking up on Monday morning again. All the transitions are happening. The people that I've poured my time into, that I've sacrificed "having a life for" are about to go in about 304 directions.

And I'm not sure where that leaves me. Yes, i'm angsty as f. Whoops, which is probably why i connect so much to Alice in Wonderland becuase I just feel like there'a whole lot of nonsense and its normal to everyone except for me and everyone wants to know about me and i can't answer the question.

I'm stuck in the looking glass.

Let the words fall out....

Sunshine always makes me believe in possibilities, though,  I think it has more to do with my mood being way too dependent on the weather than anything...but....whatever.

It Memorial Day Weekend...which means I will proceed to give none of the effs for the next four days. However, i need to find me some free fun because I also have none dollars....so that's fun.

My plan? Well, i'm not sure exactly, but i do know that i plan on re-grouping.

side note: i totally need to talk about the people sitting next to me. They are uncomfortably close to me and using lots of gestures that may or may not end up hitting me. So....i'm flinching a lot....and i probably look crazy....also...they are yelling...well, not really, they are talking real loud though...and there is a woman sitting AT my table....i do not know her...but she is getting a little feisty about the table use ratio....i was here first. I am trying so hard to not just burst out laughing...my filter is in over drive right now....praise G it's actually it's working today.

also...hipsters everywhere. hipster professors, hipster grandmas, hipster middle aged married couples. .and then there is me. I'm not wearing pants and Jessica's college sweatshirt...i love people. I just think they are so weird.

Anyway, i regrouping? Yes, it needs to happen. What does that even mean? Well, i think it kind of means that i need to fall in love with a bunch of things again. I need to mend some fences and i need to take some time and just flipping breathe. And by breathing, i mean...like actually inhale exhale...but also...just calming down long enough to enjoy the time i have and not worry about upcoming plans.

there is more than enough time.

So...i'm going to read, and fall in love with words again, and remember what it's like to be moved by words and ideas. I want something to get under my skin and stick with me and be what i think about in my down time.....and i'm going to try to write.. who really knows.

I also really need to be passionate about something again because i haven't felt that heart beat in a long time. I need it to be what drives me. I want to feel a call super strong and i want to respond to it, but i need God to show up and mess me up. I need to feel the spirit moving again because i haven't felt that in so long.

So, really, right now, i find myself sitting in a space that is far too normal and comfortable and as much as i hate it, it's kinda familiar.....i need to be pushed out of it. I want to be mobilized...because apparently i'm an army.....sometimes my words come out of no where. so...apologies....


And, i realize that this will not happen over the weekend, but i feel like this could be a good spring board....again....spring board? who am i? whatever. 

Here's to a good weekend. not spending money, getting paid next week so i can fix my car (again) and figuring it all the eff out. I just want to sit in the sun and read in the sun and drink lemonade. with rosewater in it.....and maybe some vodka....but maybe not.

the possibilities are endless, especially in the sunshine.

bigger than my body....

So, I've always been the chubby, funny, dependable best friend. A supporting character in a cast of super stars.

I have beautiful friends. I always have, which is cool, but it has always ended with me beating up my body trying to be skinny enough and pretty enough.

 I can count on maybe two hands the number of times I've looked in the mirror and thought I looked....pretty....because beautiful isn't something that's attainable for me.

Why? Well, I'm chubby, i have a round face, a lazy eye, and I'm certainly not societies idea of beautiful.

Do i think i have a beautiful personality? Yeah, kinda. I think that's what makes people love me so much. I mean, those people love me. You know?

I've been thinking about this lately mostly because being "healthy" is kind of on my brain. Here's what i think about things. My whole life I've been shamed into not being OK with the size of my jeans, the shape of my face, the size of my thighs.

And to be honest, i don't care if Marilyn Monroe was a size 14. It's not the same size today. It doesn't make me feel better.

What I've come to really understand in a new way lately, is that being healthy has less to do with weight and pants size and more about food choices, activity level and mental health.

holy balls, mental health drives the rest of those things. When we aren't feeling stable, we starve ourselves, or binge or work out too much or not enough, and most of the time we do it without realizing it. We are in survival mode and just do what we have to to make it through the day.

i mean, i feel I've been on the verge of an eating disorder my whole life.

and it's not OK that i hate looking the mirror or i stare in the mirror over analyzing every imperfection. Thinking that maybe if were thinner I'd have a boyfriend and not be totally pathetic, and looking at my pretty flirty friends wanting so badly to have that kind of attention form the boys who wanted a piece of that and the girls who wanted to imitate that, and the confidence you get from being skinny and beautiful.

All of this is way unhealthy, i understand that. It's just whats in my head a lot. How can you expect anything different given the situation?

AND because it's in my head a lot, and i hate it, I spend a lot of time trying to teach younger girls how to fight those negative ideas. Teaching them how to love themselves so they don't have to,  at 28, 38 or older be dealing this same old shit.

and really, it's shit.

And all this been on my radar lately because for the first time ever, I've been comfortable enough with my group of friends to talk about body image. health. weight, size. etc.

It's kind of beautiful to be able to understand each other. To know what it's like to struggle with the scale and the mirror and the nutrition facts. To be so stressed out you say "fuck it" and eat a whole pizza. or bag of chips or whatever..

At the same time it's sad that we all feel so ashamed about it. Shame should not be something that we feel ever. We should be motivated by having enough self love that we want to take care of ourselves.  We should encourage each other not compete with each other to be skinner, or more ripped or more of anything...

What kills me, is that there are women in my life who are older than me that still struggle with all of this.  This deep seeded insecurity of what they look like, what people will think of how they look....when they are truly some of the most beautiful people i know. inside and out. With amazing stories to tell and wisdom to be shared. It makes me so sad that they have to worry about this because they are incedibly strong women, yet seems to be every superwomen's kryptonite.

Lately, I've been really acknowledging all my insecurities, and its cool to be able to relate to people in a way i never have before. It's much less scary when someone else has been there, too. and is still there and has to navigate all, too.

I just think we need to support each other rather than pity-ing and shaming ourselves into change. We need to be cheerleaders and kind truth tellers and partners rather than competitors. We need to love each other in ways that will motivate us to want to love ourselves well.

We need to define what "beautiful" means and with a smaller focus on a specific physical appearance.

I will never be a size 8, and I don't want to be. i want to be healthy. i want to be strong, I want to look in the mirror and not  hate what i see.

that's a big goal, I know, but it's one worth fighting for.

For for 13 year old me who didn't think she was pretty, and 23 year old me who cried because no boys ever like her and who constantly thought she wasn't good enough, and for 28 year old me who still doesn't love what she sees in the mirror....This is for you, and I hope 29 year old me will really start feeling good in her body.

Sam I am...

You're 18, and a soon-to-be high school graduate. You've made it through what may be the most awkward and ridiculous 4 years of anyone's life, and you did it like a boss.

You see, Sam, you've managed to grab on to my heart, and now, there is where you will stay. Because, you're kind of a super special kid. You've over come more adversity than I will ever know.
Where every day is struggle to control impulses and figuring out how to navigate the social hell that is high school on top of the roller coaster ride that has been the last four years..

Sam, you're incredible. Your heart bleeds for other people. You mourn things with more sincerity  than anyone I know. You are opinionated, and passionate and a wonderful musician. I love how much you love sports, and music and politics. That you gesture like your dad. You love like your mom. The best parts of them are in you.

In knowing you, I have met Jesus in more ways than I can count. I will never know what's its like to be inside your head, but i do know that though it may be hard, and your thoughts might be jumbled and noisy, you project love and kindness to those around you.

Though you make me completely crazy when you make me turn off Katy Perry, or fight with me about doing the any of your chores....i love you.

And i love that we can yell at each other and know there is nothing but love.

So thankful for your love of musicals, the foo fighters and billy Joel. And that you loved Almost famous, John Green books, Billy Collins and the Dead Poet Society. How you listen when I suggest something you might like. How many car ride chats we've had. how much you let me in on your dreams and fears. and how we can spend the whole day quoting "Perks" and that we love the Oscars...and we have parties. and we go to guitar center and you dont' freak out when i don't remember the cords you taught me last time....

I hope you understand how much you are loved, Sam and how much  you have to offer and teach this world. You are full of love and light and i'm just so proud of you.  You have grown into the best young adult. I can say that because i knew you before your voice changed.

Thank you for letting me be your faux big sister. I love you.

You're a special one. I can't wait to see what the next 18 years have in store.

J...

A collection of buttons
love letters, lost chap sticks
hand-me down dreams
and nightmares.

you. float above the past
and hover in what could be
letting sun beams wake you
from the darkness.

you are coffee stains
and pages yet to be written
and full of more wisdom -
life experience
than any 18 year old
ought to have.

You are spring wind
 whipping around
like it will never get
anywhere in time.

Slow down, baby
you've got the rest of your life
to be all grown up.
and you've got time
enough of it
for what matters.

You are fearless.
so hold on
but not so tight
because you've got what
it takes to not make the same
mistakes.
and to rise above
the circumstances

and you are loved
more than you can ever
know.
by this make shift
big sister who
thought that having
coffee could be fun....

four years later
you've gotten taller
and grown into yourself.
you are.
we are.

This is for you, my brave, beautiful, complicated, sarcastic, Julia. May you find yourself right where you left her and may 15 year old you know that it'll be ok, and may 12 year old you find her way back home.  !8 year old you is still in pieces, but they'll all find their place.

And i'll be here to help them find their places.

What?

i'm beginnging to think that maybe
everyone's full of shit.
myself included

we're dreaming big dreams
hoping for someday and
the other side
when things wont be so....
shitty.hard, werid awkward
take your pick of words
because i got a whole list
and it keeps growing
because nothing gets resolved
it just keeps evolving

im beginning to think that maybe
there's something wrong with me
hoping for happ(ier) endings
and resolutions
that aren't razor sharp
softening blows
i was never meant to take
and you'll feel anyway.

I mean it's really something
to learn how to tell you heart
to hush.
it's  for your own good
to put up fences you can see through
and reach through
so you're far enough removed
that your heart only breaks a little

the construction of my fence
is a little shoddy.  there are gapeing holes
and broken boards....
Call me Tom Sawyer
because im trying to get other people
to do the building for me
because the idea of not jumping in
heart first is foreign 

There are lessons to be learned, though
cuts and bruises form missing the mark.
eventually though, i am hoping
for the satisfaction
of a job well done
and the safety of being
fenced in.