Someday you will....

Lately, nostalgia has been hanging out on my couch, which I don't really mind, I guess. I kind of like when she comes to visit. Every memory, even the not so lovely ones, seem a little sun-kissed. Light and laugher and the memory of struggle and success flood my mind like old polariods collaged on a bulletin boards. Each date carefully written in black sharpie. Some corners are bent, and worn from use, others are have only recently been taken out and put on display. 

 As I hang out on memory lane with my old pals, one thing keeps coming to mind: a Bible verse. If you know me at all, you know that i don't think in Bible verses. never have.  But for whatever reason, John 13:7 will not go away:   Jesus replied, "You don't understand now what I am doing, but someday you will." 

As much as I would like to pretend I don't understand this slash sometimes I would rather say "i don't know what's going on in my life" this all makes senes. All of it, which is both annoying and beautiful. Mostly, it's beautiful. 

What's beginning to make sense is that chance run-ins outside a coffee shop, were not chance at all. A random coffee date, two years later is now common place, relationships that seemed to be happenstance are extremely purposeful. It was all laying the foundation for what's happening right now. 

It's funny that something that happened 6 years ago is directly related to me sitting my bed in Jankytown is crazy. While some things may have run their course, their significance is maintained. The last two years have been preparing me for who I need to be for myself but also for other people. Roots need to be established before anything can grow and produce fruit that can sustain people. I think that in being who i need to be for the people in my life, I am learning to be more me. Does that even make sense? i will  look back on this and understand what's happening in the here and now so much better, and i'll marvel at how intricately intertwined our lives and stories are, and how none of it is by mistake and none of it is for our glory. 

We are all being shaped, and changed, challenged and supported and we are figuring it out together, which is scary and frustrating. sometimes we all need separate corners. room to breathe. time to think. some of it makes sense, and some of it doesn't. someday, though, it will. 

And in another year or two when nostalgia comes for a visit. I'll pull out my memories, blow off the dust, and I'll probably be all weepy through my smiles because what I'll see is not myself. Not an exceptional group of people or circumstances, but, instead, I'll see Jesus. 

In heart ache or hope, i swear i'll say amen....

The floors are crooked, the windows are drafty and it was built forever ago. 

It has hardwood floors, it's in the heart of cathedral hill, and it home to all my favorite things. 

From the outside it's pretty ordinary, but it's really anything but. 

It's my first apartment. My first real, adult apartment. It has a lot of windows, and a beautiful view of downtown, and it's the place where i feel most like myself. 

It's a collection of hand-me-down dishes and furniture with little splashes of newer things mixed in. It's eclectic. Perhaps a bit more shabby than chic, but upon entering the doors, you can see that this place is well loved as are the people who call it home. 

The wine bottles on the window ledges each have a story, or a pretty label....or both. They are reminders of all of the good times, the laughs, the stressful nights, the tears, the "i just need some wine" days that have been spent here.  

Perhaps the most importnat and unique quality of 178 summit is that two best friends live here. Two girls who are just trying to figure out how to be on their own in their 20's. 

In 2 months I have to move.  i have to leave this perfect area, with the great view and Hans, the quirky parking lot guy....who was the first person we met when we moved it.  I leave the cathedral bells and the 1.6 miles from the gallery, and my best friend. 

ordinary moments.

The best days are the ones where we lazied around
talking about our wildest dreams and
 our deepest secrets all while sipping coffee.
When we have no where to go.
we can just be.
in the truest sense of the word.
Time stands still best in those moments.
Everything seems possible.
Clinking cups
laughter
and heart beats
become the soundtrack
to our lives.

we were born and raised in a summer haze....

New years resolutions are typically something i am bad at. Mostly because I just don't care quite enough to make a list of things i want to accomplish, which is weird considering i have a "list maker" personality (read: too type A for my own good). Anyway, i think the idea behind resolutions is a lovely one, if it means we are trying to be a better us, and not if it means, that we are trying to reinvent ourselves. That.is.dumb.  Because i have a lot of time on my hands today, I bit the proverbial bullet and made a list of things I think will make me a better Nicole. Some of these are going to be much easier than others, some are just a little ridiculous. What can I say? I have a really romantic idea of  a new year being chuck full of possibility. So, with out further adieu:

1. see God in everyone, and put him at the center of everything i do.

2. just. breathe.

3. take more chances.

4. forgive more freely

5. learn.

6. love. more than i ever thought possible

7. make mistakes

8. learn to love my body. for better or worse

9. accept where i am, decide where i want to go

10. spend less

11. give more

12.  laugh. every day/

13. cry when i need to

14. work out.

15. keep in touch with everyone i love

16. make time for important things 

17. save.

18.  Have fun.

19. give back

20. change a life, the world, a tire, or a light bulb. 

forgiveness and stuff....

I've done my fair share of hurting this year.
I've also had my little heart
shattered.
more than once.

Resilience is something i'll never understand
how those pieces just find their way back home
making my heart whole again
it has it's cracks, and it's dips
but it beats hard.
strong.
with a love that shines.

Maybe we don't need to understand
why some things work and others don't
why even after words so sharp rip through your skin
and leave you breathless.
you can forgive.
learn.
move on.
get it right.

Letting people know you love them
sometimes isn't enough.
They have to know
that you don't get it
either.
well, fuck.
we're all in this together.

Desperately clinging to what
was. is fruitless.
change.
but change together.
support every avenue
even though they may
fork and veer off
the good ones
always find their way back.

sometimes you need to spill our heart
sometimes it's ugly, and unrecognizable
sometimes it's sad and sweet.
you need to spill it to the people who
catch you. and
catch your hearts desires
in a butterfly net
and help you hold on

you need to look in the mirror
face all the pieces,
especially the weird shaped ones
that fit together
to make your
mosaic.
because without those pieces

something is missing
though other parts shine.
other parts sparkle
you need the dark
to balance the light
to know how good it feels
to love
and be loved
and be happy
hopeful.

sometimes the mirror is ugly
sometimes you need to hold hands
face it together
but you ought to look it
and know
you are not the sum of your parts
and triumph has already come
everyone is waiting
for you.
to love yourself
as much as they
love you.
as much as HE
loves you.

here's to learning to love the way He loves even more in 2012