My life is funny.
Sometimes "ha ha" funny, other times it's tragically funny. Usually in my world something is breaking down, or falling apart. I'm losing my keys, my check chard, my job, my mind. I'm spilling something, running into something, multi-tasking only semi-well. It's pretty typical for me to say "how is this my life" or some variation of that on a regular basis. I mean I should do it with jazz hands and win a Tony because dramatic is my tone of choice.
Basically, I'm kind of a mess, in an endearing kind of way. The kind of way that people smile at you and genuinely hope that you don't break a bone by walking out the door. They pat you on the shoulder and talk about "seasons of life" and "life lessons" and it makes you want to roll your eyes a little. I'm that girl. Ever the Underdog. But God bless the people who keep rooting for me.
But, there is certainly something to be said for having a sense of humor about all of it. I think one of my best qualities is having the ability to laugh at myself. Not in a negative kind of way, but in more of a "this is just me" kind of way. It saves me from some heartache.
So, I'm a planner (read: too type A for my own good) and I'm clumsy, which seems like an interesting juxtaposition of qualities, but it is my essence. I'm also a sentimental fool. I hold on the memories for dear life and I pull them out when I need to be reminded of certain things. I dust them off and put them on like an old sweatshirt. I wrap myself in them for a long time to remember where I've been and what I've learned. And then i get weepy.
I mean, of course I do.
And i get weepy because I'm just so thankful. for everything. ever heartache, every victory, every scar, which sort of brings me to my point.
I've been on an upswing as of late. (read: nothing has fallen apart in a while) The last year was kind of rough one, and because I'm only a little dramatic sometimes I call myself Job, which maybe isn't all that funny...or far off?
Anyway for the first time in a while I am happy. Really happy. This comes after many hard chats, hard falls, tears, swears, bottles of wine and trudging through all the shit.
Praise G.
I'm in a good place. I have lots of reasons to smile, to laugh, to be thankful. I love my job. I love my City. I love who I surround myself with. I love it all. Even though, it's not all good all the time, it's mine, and I'll fight for it no matter how small and unimportant it might seem to everyone else.
So, in this year of cray-cray, I somehow forgot how to just be in the moment. I got so busy planning and having back up plans, scheduling, checking my phone, filling in my planner...I just stopped sitting in moments. Experiencing them. Letting teach me, or show me, whatever they were supposed to at that moment.
This week a friend of mine is off in Mexico playing in the sun. Exciting right? i love her a lot, but it kind of took her being gone for a couple of days, for me to sit in that space without her to grasp what a big deal she is in my life. cool, right? Appreciating friends is always something we should do more.
This began a series of moment sitting for which I'm super grateful.
I work at a church, and I love it. It's not a super hard job, and sometimes it doesn't even feel like i work at a church, but it's great. I mean, you don't always have to be feeding the poor and holding orphan babies to be making an impact. As I was sitting in the service this afternoon, I was sitting next to two friends who's relationship is kind of strained, which is a little sad. The cool thing(s) about that are this: They chose to sit in the awkwardness. They chose not to avoid each other, to not pretend like everything is amazing, they chose to sit and let it be what it was. That's super hard to do. In addition, it was the first time one of them had been to church in a while. When you haven't done something for awhile, stepping back in is sometimes hard.
and of course the message was on the Prodigal Son. God is so funny sometimes.
Then, tonight I had the opportunity to go to a David Crowder concert with some of my favorite people in the whole world, and it was awesome. Crowder is the most entertaining Jesus-loving Hillbilly this side of the Mississippi. He's funny, he's quirky, and he loves Jesus. It's not every day you go from singing Amazing Grace with a room full of people and getting weepy (this happens to me a lot) because the energy is just so awesome, to telling some ridiculous story about his love of Dr. Pepper.
I mean he is my people.
So, if for only that, this night didn't suck. But then, the whole room sang "How He Love Us" and we all knew every word and intonation and we sang it with conviction. In the middle of the song, I just stopped, and took in the moment. I loved that a room full of people who were strangers were (un)intentionally entering into worship in secular space. The energy that created warranted notice.
Looking around, I was suddenly very aware that I was standing with people whom I love with my whole heart. People who have walked with me, held me up, made me laugh, and in a lot of ways saved me from myself. They are such beautiful people. I am so lucky to know them, and to be able to share this moment with them. The love I felt at that moment, that gratitude and excitement. THAT is Jesus. that is what love looks like. that is what everyone should have the opportunity to feel.
There is just something about being present in the moment that makes life richer. The cellphones are put away, the lists are cast aside, the future is put on hold. And for right now, You jump around and dance like a fool and sing at the top of your lungs because you're here, and your alive and this moment will never be here again. That's powerful, and beautiful.
It's no secret that I really love the book "the Perks of Being a Wallflower." One of my favorite lines of any book ever is "in the moment, I swear, we were infinite." It's a beautiful thought, and tonight, I could relate.
And it's in times like those I understand a little more how much we are loved, and I am thankful for every time that happens.
Oh, How He loves us, indeed.
