There is this myth flying around that being honest , like super honest, like wearing no-make up honest, is easy when you have people who love you surrounding you.
Well, It's not. At least, I don't think it is. I don't like admitting that I'm not okay, or that i might need help, or that I don't have the energy to try and fix anything else.
At some point though, things fall apart and you find yourself on the kitchen floor, a blubbering mess because you just can't take it. So you cry, you word vomit, you let someone hug you, and you hit the reset button on your heart.
i'm talking metaphorically, sort of.
This is the exact state I find myself in now. My heart needs to be reset, and that is scary. Really, scary because I don't know how long it's going to take to recharge my battery. So I sit in a tension of here and there knowing that at some point it'll get easier. But i'm still waiting for the easier to happen.
So here's the situation. My life is a little stressful. I have found myself in over my head with a lot of things. I found myself shouldering things I don't have the experience, or business shouldering. I have found out the hard way the effect of having no personal boundaries. I mean if it were possible to have negative boundaries I would be that girl.
what. the. hell.
My personal life is a mess, everything is up in the air and I've literally been carrying on like everything is perfect.
it's not.
I am tired, and my heart is a little broken. Well, no....it's broken a lot. I am running on fumes. I cannot be what anyone needs me to be because i can barely function. My head is full of all the ugly. i'm sarcastic, and negative and it's really not a good look on me.
Why? Well, i'll tell you. i realize that i'm wounded, and I don't know how to go about beginning to forgive people. Seriously, if there was some sort of formula for doing that, i'd appreciate it. i don't like being mad. I don't like being jealous, but i am. My self-doubt is off the charts. i am not doing anything i used to with a joyful heart.
Gross. So this is "the in between" season of my life and i hate it. It makes my heart hurt. I think what makes this season even more heartbreaking is that, i've had to see so many people i've loved and admired fall from grace. All of a sudden these people are fully human with flaws and brokenness. i don't really know what i want from anyone but i know that this is not what i expected.
and expectations have always been my biggest downfall. i have too many. I expect to much, the bar is too high. i don't know how to be different.
Well, shit.
I'm trying to remember to be grateful and thankful, especially for people who take on my crazy and who truly do love me through this season. That is real love. listening to me spew. and complain and cry. it's not a great gig. it's the trenches and it's annoying. i'm annoying. But some people have really beautiful hearts and the capacity to love in way that looks like Jesus.
i'm so blessed by that and thankful.
So...moral of the rambling. this isn't who i am. and i hate that i'm here. I don't want to sit in this tension any more.
But all i can do is remember that i serve a God who loves me more than i can understand and that he puts people my path that show me what that looks like. Lately that comes in the form a family who is nothing short of amazing.
I know I serve a God who is faithful, but i'm sure i'm probably breaking his heart right now.
i don't want that on me. i dont want to break Jesus' heart
So, what do i do in the meantime? i pray for peace. i pray for clarity, and i pray that i can be obedient, even when it's super hard. i pray that i am consistently moved to action, moved to inspire change in my life and in others lives. I pray that even in this season, God uses me for good things.
i'll let you know how that works out....
