so let your heart, sweetheart, be your compass.......

I like people who are big dreamers, but i'm attracted to people who are doers.

I'm horribly guilty of wanting everyone to follow their dreams, and maybe part of it is because I don't know what my big dreams are anymore, so it's easy for me to hop on other peoples dream bandwagon.

Also, i'm a natural encourager, and i'm 100% sincere about it.

I wish my job could be celebrating people. Today was another birthday for a friend. Celebrating another year well lived and a the start of uncharted territory. It's so beautiful.

People are beautiful. For better or worse. Flaws and all, everyone's story is important, however annoying i find some of them. Each person has a team of people rooting for them. Cheering them on from the sidelines.  Everyone wants to do something important and leave a mark and it's not up to me to deem it worthy. i should just be supportive.

Sometimes i forget that. Sometimes i get so engulfed with how i want to live my life, i lose sight of how other people are living.

I roll my eyes at people "living their truth" when really, i should be high fiving them....Get it. Experience love. laugh. cry. leave this place a little better and more beautiful.

Sometimes i'm a total asshole. like for real, i'm terrible, but that's the part of me that wants people to believe that i'm horribly honest, and that i just tell it like it is. I believe in honesty, but the kind of honesty that born out of love. So many times my honesty is born out of fear, frustration or confusion and i just want people feel as much as i do...about everything. isn't that terrible? And i feel bad for the ways my words and indifference and how shit has knicked, scratched, and left marks on people who only want to feel loved.

And it's just not who i am at my core. it's just not, somehow, though, between then and now, this other ugly thing has become a part of me, and i don't know how i let it happen.

 My insides are mush. My heart is fragile. I fight a war against my head and my heart on the daily and i just really, really want people to love me. I want to earn my keep and try hard and i don't want to mess up.  My little heart is beating on my sleeve for the whole world to see. I'm emotional, i cry about everything, i'm as confused about life as everyone else.

i just fake it better than some people.

It's in those moments when i wonder if i'll ever feel like a grown up. If i'll ever feel like someone isn't taking care of me.

I just want the people i love to be proud of me. So, i guess, i want to live a life and chase dreams worthy of that pride, so i'm still working on them to make sure they're as close to perfect as humanly possible.

It's kind of rough discovering parts of you you're not fond of, that need changing, but really great, too because now i can do better.

maybe.

i have the my little ponies song stuck in my head so you can imagine how i feel about that.

i just stumbled upon Oprah's instagram. She has hipster glasses. I don't even know what to do with that.

did i happen to tell you how beautiful my friday was? How i played hookie from work with my best girl and we did all the antiquing, and there were good jams and coffee and wandering and laughing and sunshine and it was beautiful. Then my small girls came over and we played games and it got loud and we laughed and it was lovely.

I used to love Sundays. They used to be productive, and full of sunshine and all the people i love in the cities were under one roof. There were coffee talks, and lunch dates and laughs and  hugs in the lobby. I loved feeling like i was a working part of something bigger. Something super cool and beautiful.

and i was, and i did. and then everything changed.

My sundays look different now. They're more laid back and carefree and populated by significantly fewer people, but those who hold a bigger part of my heart.

and i still feel like i'm a working part of something bigger and beautiful. I'm just beginning to fall in love with the different.

Today i binged watched tv, looked up tattoo ideas, and tried to figure out how to distress my own jeans, made a list of project to do this week, and generally was just content with life.

the sun was shining and it was over 50 degrees, how can you not just loose your damn mind after the 394 days of below zero we've had.

Spring is a beautiful thing. everything is new and it smells amazing all the time. Spring rain is my favorite type of rain because it seems gentle and cleansing and like it's preparing us all for new life.  Its the puddle jumping, cute rain boot, mary poppins umbrella kind of rain. You can't beat that. You just can't.

My boss...lol...she is my boss but what? is going to DC this week. She gets to hang with ijm and one of her best pals and i think that's just the sweetest thing ever. So excited to hear of her adventure when she returns. I love homecomings. They're always sweet.

So...since my boss is gone....i can do whatever i want. lol. just kidding.....kinda. :)

when you get worried, i'll be your solider.....

They make scented nail polish. There is a coppery brown sparkly color that is called "beachy" and IT SMELLS LIKE SUNTAN LOTION AND SAND,

and it took all my self control and the realization that i have no money until Monday for me to not buy it. I mean it's Revlon, so it'll probably chip and it probably is scented for exactly 3 seconds, but it still kinda smells like the island, and you all know how i feel about smellin' like the island.

I mean. for real. But, on Monday when i actually do get paid i will prompt go to target and buy the purple nail polish that is beautiful and perfect. I can't even.

i'm supposed to be working right now, well...not really, but i came to this coffee shop to work and instead i'm pinteresting and make yet another play list. i literally have no motivation whatsoever.

Also, i have blood today it was uneventful, but as i perusing Target today, i felt slightly light headed, a not so subtle reminder that i am not 17 anymore.

Also there are a million 12 years old here right now. so many yoga pants and coolers.

Been listening to "i wanna dance with somebody" non stop since i arrived.  Gotta work the children's desk tonight. I kind of like doing it, it's kinda fun....too bad i have to be there for whole service...it's a chance to get work done, anyway, so...that's how i'm gonna spin it.

Today is a beautiful day. the sun is out. the snow is melting. Spring is poking through and we're all still alive....so why no be anything but happy? It all happens too quickly and is gone too soon to not enjoy every single ray of sunshine that's out there.

so...i'll probably go drive through some puddles. Adult puddle jumping.

I miss eau claire. i feel ansty. I need to do more. my hands need to be much dirtier than they are, i've had time to recover now it's time to start building again.

so...let's get out the tools.

also... I'M BUYING DAVE BARNES TICKETS THIS WEEK. look out world, i'm unstoppable.

There is nothing more calming or perfect right now than sitting in this house, in the good room, watching katy perry with my comfies on , and blankets and tea. Absolute perfection. Well, lisa's missing...but other than that...it's the best ever.


so, so thankful.

i kind of want to get drunk and laugh a lot.

how do you think jesus feels about that?

i think he'd be cool with it.

Well, here's an interesting little thing.....

Tomorrow is my old best friend's 29th birthday.



This photo was our last birthday together.  I have pangs of guilt, waves of nostalgia, and a rush of total gratitude for all we've been through and how much she has shaped who i am, and where i've been when i look at this photo.

The reality is, it's really easy for me to be angry and to sit in hurt but i'm trying really hard to be grateful for the roads we've traveled separately.

i'm so melodramatic that sometimes it makes me annoyed with myself.

but really, i love Melissa. She's a good one and she's trying to hard to do what's right and good. i can't argue with people trying to do good and be well.  i hope she gets everything she needs and that's the same as everything she's ever wanted. Because everyone deserves to be happy.

anyway...yeah...i feel like a first class wrecking ball today. i don't even know.

not sure what i did....hmm.....

Well, well, well....

I hate when people tell me what to do.

I hate butting heads with people i love.

I hate when we use the Bible to tear each other down instead of loving each other well.

World Vision. Here's what i have to say.

I don't think that it matters if a gay person works for an organization that helps the most needy people in the world. I also that we will ever come to a agreed upon stance on this, this side of heaven.

I believe that we are called to love people, for better or worse. I don't believe that love looks like denying someone a job...nor do i believe love looks like pulling out of a child sponsor ship because you don't agree with how someone lives their private life.

I don't believe that's what Jesus would do.

I also think if you make a choice, stick with it. Don't go back on it because you get heat. You're gonna get heat for this. I, personally, refuse to die on the homosexuality hill. I just don't do it. They can work it out with Jesus when they meet him.

Here the thing....people think Christians are hypocrites, and ignorant, and this reversal of their decision just added fuel to that fire. Again, i don't think this is what Jesus wants. I don't think it's what Jesus would do.

I don't think that advancing the kingdom looks like driving a wedge between us and them, them being the people who need jesus the most.

And i hate that because i work for the church, i can't post this on facebook or other social media. i'll post it here because no one reads this...and this is just where i put my best kept secrets.

So what i'm saying is, homosexuality is an issue that is very near and dear to a lot of people. it's a battle that's never going to stop.

So, let's just make this side of heaven a little bit better by just loving each other well, by praying for peace, and helping where you can.


and i that's what i think about that.

So much of my life here has happened around the table. I know it's very "shauna neiquist" but it is the absolute truth.

It started with Sunday Family dinners with my two best friends for college, it morphed into meal groups and creative teams and tea with rita, and then gelato with the kindalls over hard stuff but still the room was filled so with so much laughter.

It's still so strange to me how the air can be dripping with such pain and sorrow and so much laughter and love at the same time.  Its one of life's biggest mysteries.

And then, the table here. Life happens here. Roots are planted and freedom is found because the air of honesty smells, and feels, and looks different.

like spring time. Like rainwater drip drying in warm sunshine. like green grass poking through the melting now.

like anything is possible. like the first page of a book. like the blank page in a journal.

unwritten. possibilities endless.

tonight on the way home, i bought gelato. I don't love ice cream, but i was feeling horribly nostalgic and missing people and i just bought some. I remember what good memories gelato brings me....what good times i keep tucked away and i pull out and dust off when things get stressful and i get sad.

gelato. kitchen table. the gilmore girls. comfort that feels like home.

i'm the most irrational person on the planet.

it's a beautiful thing, you know...to be in it together....life, work, valleys and the mountain tops and the like.

people are cool, and eventually you find the right ones that makes everything a little less scary because you know you don't have to go it alone.

Thankful for those kind of people today. What a difference a year can make, indeed.

You're gonna miss this....

We are all in different life stages, different jobs, different families. And I venture that we can all look forward and wish for something else. A marriage. A new job. Graduation. Children. Grandchildren. We can all see the thing we want but don’t have.

But do you see the life you DO have?

Do you recognize the beautiful moments that will go away when your life season changes? 

Little kids aren’t little forever.

Once college is over, it’s over.

You. Will. Miss. This.

Whatever “this” is for you, when it changes, even if you’ve been dying for it to change, there will be something you miss.

post secret for the win.

this project is like super overwhelming when you think about all the parts and how much there is to do....but doing said project with you're best human? Well, that's kind of awesome, and the best and the most i've loved working on a project in a long time.

good thing longs days are tempered by coffee and laughter and good, good music.

we've all got bruises.....

I think God is funny. Not like, haha, funny...more like...i told you so. funny.  (and my major use of the ellipsis (...) is proof positive that I've officially crossed over to the Crossroads side, forgive me, for the excessive use in this post)

I also think that we complicate the easy stuff like loving people and helping people, and we simplify the complicated: relationships, self-awareness, humility etc.

We box ourselves in with deal breakers and rules and guidelines. Its like Murphy's Law for things that consistently defy linear explanation. 

If this is truth or happens....then this must also be true and/or happen....doesn't really work with matters of the heart, or...faith for that matter. 

The whole "turn the other cheek thing" is alone enough proof to prove my point. 

I truly believe that i'm in a season of becoming...becoming what exactly, is yet to be determined....but...becoming is happening, and in order to evolve there is the awareness that gotta happen. 

awareness, humbling....patayto..patahhhto and i'm getting an extra dose of it lately which is actually kind of great and terrible at the same time. 

There is this weird mirror thing happening, i can't take credit for the analogy but i'll steal it and run with it. 

I'm not proud. 

So lately, i've been...perhaps a little too honest, or at least, a little too blunt in my honesty, yet totally insecure in my responses to other people. 

I'm able to see myself in both lights. What it sounds like when i'm sassy and blunt and filterless....and then i somehow get to watch what it looks like when i'm feeling fragile. 

it's real interesting and i don't really have words to describe this little things that's happening, but i really like it. Iron sharpens iron, right? but sometimes iron pokes skin and it hurts and you have to fix it. 

It's oddly both full of effort and effortless because you have to have the hard conversation sometimes, and you have to apologize and explain and be real honest about real dumb stuff....but it's also totally fear free and kind of liberating and ultimately part of becoming....together and apart. 

and i just never thought, which is probably why it's happening exactly like it is. 

It's easier to be kinder to yourself when you see part of yourself in other people, and ultimately it's this great unifying thing....to discover we are more alike than different. 

And no, i don't think there are a lot of people who get to have a little bit of a reflection, but i think that everyone has the potential to see themselves through other people. 

so...i completely lost what i was gonna say...so i'm gonna go to bed. 

It doesn't cost you anything to be nice.

it doesn't cost you anything to be nice.

it doesn't cost you anything to be nice.

it doesn't cost you anything to be nice....

it doesn't cost you anything to be nice

it doesn't cost you anything to be nice

it doesn't cost you anything to be nice

it doesn't cost you anything to be nice......

You know I believe friendship is God’s greatest evidence of himself here on earth.  You know I believe everyone needs a home team: a go-to, show-up, middle of the night, come-in-without-knocking tribe that gets us through when things fall apart. You know I believe in circling the wagons—gathering your people around you to tell you the truth when all the voices out there are shouting bad news. And you know, of course, that I believe all this love and truth-telling and prayer and laughter happens best around the table.

it's like they all forgot i was even there.

but maybe that's how it supposed it be.

i have never felt this shitty about being in my own skin in my whole life.

Ugh.

Also, my skin isn't thick...so...there's that.

season of becoming....

"There are seasons of wilderness and there are seasons of settledness, this is neither, this is a season of becoming"

The theme of becoming is ever present in my life on the regular, which i think is pretty common for most people, we are ever evolving into who we'll be....and i don't know if that ever stops, the becoming, that is.

I feel like I was lucky enough to be settled for a real long time and then there was a season of wilderness. Lots of wandering, lots of questions, lots of shut doors. Lots of unknowns. The wilderness was scary and sad and...strange and hard...the ever present fear of the bottom dropping out, grasping on to whatever was at hand in an attempt to find my way out.

And sure enough, slowly, i let my self be found, i let myself be guided out of the wilderness into a place with solid ground. It took awhile and to be honest I still fight it, but i think i'm out of the forest (for now) and i've headed into a land of becoming.

Don't be confused. It's still up hill the whole way. It's still strange and scary and hard. It's a lot of looking back and cutting ties, while also holding on and being pulled forward into who i'll be, without being able to see what's up ahead.

I can't explain of terrain of "becoming" exactly, i think because it changes from day to day. Sometimes i'm drowning, sometimes i'm in a dead sprint running for my life, as it were, and sometimes it's a slow stroll, a slow incline, a meander through gravel and dirt, but every day, a little more of the broken pieces get put into place, a little more truth and beauty is allowed to escape. and a little more me takes shape.

the sculpting is hard. Especially on days when the in progress version of myself is too...unfinished to be ok with. i'm so...cynical, i'm too sassy, too fat, too ugly, too under dressed, i can't put my makeup on right, my hair looks like a train wreck. No one likes me.....on those days, and they happen frequently in this becoming process. on those days, i wanna take a hammer to all of  it. i want to crush everything that's wrong.

i want to start over.

Except that i have to start over with where i am, and that hasn't changed.

In my brain, i know i'm made in God's image, i'm his....handiwork, a masterpiece....a Picasso in a room full of Monets.... but that literally does not translate to my heart.

like it's a language my heart doesn't speak. My heart doesn't speak "enough"  it just doesn't.

But in this seasons of becoming, i've gotten some Rosetta Stone Jesus in the form of people who love me simply to love me, and not because they need something from me.

Who don't let me get away with my cop out....everything fine...people who have the same conversation with me 53 times in 30 ways and still smile on the other side of my neurotic, insecure,ramblings . People who are real with me about their fears and baggage and struggles....people who must see something different in this process of becoming. To them, my  in progress must be somewhat manageable.

I've been humbled in the last few months, coming to terms with triggers and fears and roadblocks that often lead me to jump ship or fade away without much of a fight. Flaws literally take my breath away when i see them and realize the impact that my brokenness has on other people.

I trust people too easily but then just live in deep fear that they'll use me and then be done with me...so it gets real jacked and all kinds of codependent, and, well, frustrating for everyone involved. i make people prove their love with games they don't know they're playing and standards they'll never live up to.

so there have been a lot of table, and car and office chats that i promptly leave and proceed to weep after because exposure is vulnerable, and vulnerable leads for potential heart break. and heart break leads to wilderness again, and i HATE the wilderness.

But becoming, that's about being smarter and healthier and better....and being more ok with who i am and fixing the parts i don't like. It's ok to fix the parts that you don't like, and that don't look like jesus. Made in god's image yes, but perfect we are not, so improvement is always possible.

I'm horribly human and still trying to put my shit in the right place. And sometimes i make jesus mad.

Sometimes when i hear about people who are tiny complaining about post baby stretch marks, or when i hear about people who are so "everything is so hard even though i have a community of people who help me all the time" or "here's my dream and i'm gonna try to do it, even thought i'm a terrible person but i have everyone fooled" well....i think real shitty thoughts....or...for example when the people i tried to hard to make love me for four years, all of a sudden....stop loving me, and i am so filled with hurt that it turns to a wicked tongue, well...i feel justified in my feelings.

because for whatever reason, my hurt, my struggle is more real than theirs. It's more justified because of my story...which is really quite boring and probably lacking in substance.

it's in these moments when i know that becoming is still happening, I have not arrived. i'm no where near done. i need to to learn a lot more and have tons more grace and love so that some day the title of "Christ follower" is something of which i am worthy.

And i guess what I'm saying in that there are not decades or genders or life stories matter when it comes to who is part of your becoming season. It's all unexpected and unexplained, and so far beyond us, that we have no choice but to roll with it.

and it hits me, as much as people are a part of my becoming, i am apart of theirs as well. It's in deeply meaningful yet supremely awkward coffee chats and conversations chuck full of things you'd never tell half the people you know.....it's in the moments of unexplained tears, and weeping in offices and crying in cars, in understanding silences that I realize how incredibly "in this together we are" and how you can't do this shit alone....and we were never meant to. And its in those moments where the scary and the negative and preconceptions and judgments melt away.....

and you're just kind of left with a feeling of gratefulness, and love and empathy for every struggle that is being faced and all the becoming that's happening, and in that knowing that we have a chance to become something beautiful. together.

i'm accepting this becoming seasons knowing that it'll be hard, but knowing that i'm not alone, and that better might not be around the corner, but it is certainly down the road.

So....Grab hands with your people and wade the waters of change together.

I think you'll be glad you did.

whatever the season, well, we'll keep on breathing because we'll have each other to hold.....

Parenthood makes me have all the feels.

I can't believe i just typed that sentence and meant 100% of it. Social media is breaking my brain. 

#ineedtospendlesstimeonit 

see, i can't help it. 

Today, i got my hair cut. I feel okay about it because hair grows back and sometimes i just get impulsive and i cut my hair because i can control that.

Speaking of control. My skin is out of it. It's lost its damn mind and i have no idea how to regin it in. 

Well, yeah, there at lot of underlying issues in that one thought. 

overall, i had a great day, it was beautiful, i had a good day at work and my hair doesn't suck also parenthood. and hollywood game night, and i just feel kinda great.

I keep thinking about melissa. Ugh. i hate that. I feel like i need to check in on her, which is annoying, but again....it doesn't cost anything to be nice. And, we've always said that we can sense when the other isn't ok, even though distances and time have separated us....so...if i'm getting a sense..i should probably check. 

And....apparently, i'm really super unaware of what i say, how i say it, and my body language...because apparently people don't understand me and i'm making everyone feel bad. 

and i don't know how to be different. and i'm not sure what to do about it....which makes me feel bad and kinda puts a damper on my day. 

OH. HAVE I MENTIONED DAVE BARNES WILL BE HERE IN MAY? I'M DYING. i need to find someone to go with me. i don't think lisa will go, she did not sound into it at all....

maybe i'll ask Melissa. 

wait, what? what is happening. 

i feel like a sailboat. 

ben rector. look him up. 

when i hear you say hello, all i see is yellow, like daisies in a meadow.....

That feeling when the sun shines in enough to make it warm, and the smells like spring and home, and you're sitting in at the window looking out on the new beginnings that are happening right in front of you, and you're kind of in awe of how everything works together.

Then you close your eyes for a second, imprinting this feeling and this smell into your brain so you can pull it up, when everything's not coming up daisies.

I'm excited the sun in shining and the snow is (finally) melting, and the the air is cool and warm at the same time. I'm excited to wander and roam tomorrow looking at things and saying things in between comfortable silence.

I can't wait to see what spring brings. I can't wait to see how we all grow and change because i know even the shitty parts of life make us better, and hopefully, they'll take a hike for while.

We all need a lot more opportunity to smile, an opportunity to laugh, and opportunity to feel so grateful for moments that are sweet and pure and full of the good things.

We need to say prays of thanksgiving and walk barefoot in the grass (whenever it decides to poke through) because there will always be a reason to be disappointed, there will always be something that didn't turn out like we planned, but there is also an opportunity to be real excited about all that's happened and all that's to come.

So today, as i sit here, feeling hopeful of whats next, i hope that somewhere in your lovely little bowl of weird, there is a reason to roll down the windows and sing katy perry.

or, you know, whatever your happy equivalent is.

I'm curled up in the Africa blanket, drinking tea because i'm trying to not drink so much caffeine, but i really like coffee, so i just don't know how this is going to go. But this space is feels like home, it's chuck full of memories that seem to stretch much longer than the year spent here, and i don't ever quite know what to do with that.

Today, i'm feeling real grateful for this place, and these people. Sometime i get real tunnel vision-y, and i lose sight of feeling grateful because sometimes, when things get hard and i'm feeling hurt, i forget to be grateful.

I'm hopeful that spring will bring beautiful beginnings, and brighter days, and deeper relationships.

I feel the awkward hanging in the air lately, full of things unsaid, but, i think it will all work out the way its supposed to.

I don't particularly love hearing about my faults, but lately i've been really willing to hear them...because, well, i'm sure it things i need to hear.

I do know, that the sun is shining and i am surrounded by love which might not look the exact way i thought it would, but i need to choose to see it. i need to choose to feel it, and i need to remember to say thank you  more.

i laugh. every. single. time.

there might actually be something wrong with me.

my ovaries are revolting against the rest of my body. ugh.

sometimes instead of doing the adult thing, i sit in my bed, drink coffee (which i will spill on myself) and read funny things to make myself feel happy.

if you can hear me....

i could use you right about now.

But you're not supposed to say that....

Sometimes loving people is exhausting, but you're not supposed to say that. Sometimes it's frustrating, and hard and confusing, but you're not supposed to say that, either.

And i guess i don't understand why we trying to make an emotional thing like, love, a rational, straight forward thing, when it isn't.

Right now, I'm feeling exceptionally vulnerable, kind of waiting for my bottom to drop again, and halfway between believing that being able to love people is our biggest gift and thinking that loving people is just the worst idea ever.

half way between, but tempered by rosey side of things.

I do know, that my biggest heartbreaks have not been the boys i've dated, but my closest friends...my people, my tribe of people who i counted on for honesty, and comfort and love.

and i'm still kinda puttin' the pieces back so the glue is still a little wet.

i don't think i believe in forever for anything anymore.

but you're not supposed to say that....

home is where the heart is meant to be....

This is the most beautiful song about motherhood, ever. ever. ever.

you were only waiting for this moment to be free...

sometimes i like to listen to multiple version of one song.

I really like listening to "I can't make you love me"
and "someone to watch over me"
and "here comes the sun"

sung by every single person who has ever sang them...

I'm also really into live recordings of things right now, which is usually my exact opposite reaction to live music.

I like live music. I do not like live recordings. Except ben folds "tiny dancer" for obvious reasons.

i've been at work since 8:30, and i've been the only one here for most of the day.

and im a little stir crazy.

i'm a little tired and would like to nap but i know i wont.

maybe i'll buy the if:gathering and watch it while i sit here and try to edit things.

that seems nice.

I'm listening to a lot of beatles covers because they are not on Spotify mostly because i think that Michael Jackson owed all the rights to the beatles stuff. but he's crazy and dead.

and i'm not even sure if that's true because 2/4 beatles are still alive. The lame two, but still two of the orig, and that's kind of a big deal.

i just heard that once.

kind of like i heard if the top of a silo is painted it means it's paid for.

literally no idea where i heard that but  convinced myself it was true...now my family makes fun of me.

that's all i know right now. i have had no coffee today which is probably why i'm so tired.

Stug lyfe

Here's the biggest thing I've been struggling with lately, i mean besides hating the way that i look.

I don't know how to not be angry. Anger is a secondary emotion....anger is fueled by hurt, and i don't know to not feel hurt, either.

It's a cycle, really. I find myself licking wounds that are never allowed to fully heal. Wounds that were not CAUSED by the last year and a half of my life but made infinitely deeper.

Which make the healing process harder.

I mean the truth is, I'm insecure. a lot. So i do things to make sure people like me. To make sure that people need me....because i'm afraid of being left out, being left alone, not being a cool kid, which has absolutely caused me to find friends who are train wrecks, who actually make me feel worse about myself.

i also do this weird thing where i try to be the friend I've always wanted. To be the best friend that i never had...which ends up being more self serving than anything....although, i like to feel that I've grown out of that....

Anyway....so, i've discovered i have some deep wounds. I'm sure a therapist would have a field day with me, whatever. It's fine.

So, the tension that i live in is feeling like a reject while at the same time feeling like i have really mature, solid, deepy rooted relationships.

Which i know is annoying being like "i have no friends" to the friends that i actually do have. bitch move, i know.

i know that i have to move past this stage. I do. i know that. But HOW? slash....it feels good sometimes, to be mad and justified in it.  but it doesn't look like Jesus.

Well, it's lent...tomorrow? so i've been thinking about what i'm going to "give up" and normally, it's chocolate or wine or diet coke....but this year....i think it should be legit, more serious....

So, I'm giving up my anger and my hurt, my insecurities, and self-doubt and i'm leaving it at the cross in exchange for more jesus, more truth, more.....life...or at least....a happier one.

I'm am a happy person except when i feel completely leveled.

I want to radiate grace and goodness. and as a good friend of my says "it costs you nothing to be nice"

i'm not even going to kill anyone with kindness because i feel like even that is oddly rooted in revenge.

I have lots and lots of work to do...but...i'm gonna try.

Well if that's love it comes at much too high a cost.

If I'm being honest, there are days, when i feel like I've completely given up on lots of things. There are days when i lose the comparison war and i feel like everyone is just better.

There are days when I feel really good about what i left behind, and turning around isn't hard. Then there are days when i remember being the everyone's favorite, being invited to things, and helping planning things.

At one point, i had an opinion that was good and that mattered. I used to be good. I used to be a go to.

Everyone used to like me but it came at a price i finally got tired of paying.

And today, i just makes me real bummed out.

Mostly, because the moment i think i've arrived, something inevitably happens to throw a wrench in my plans.

and i'm feeling a little rejected....well, a lot rejected. But you just gotta roll with it, you know?

i'm not chasing anyone, either.

cool. here's to tuesday being beautiful.