It was whole thing.
I can't remember when, though, my tears not only turned on, but decided that they would be running the show. I sometimes act like I have any say in when the tears start to roll, but gone are the days when I would force tears out when something wasn't going my way (read: only child magic). These days, my tears own me, I am at their mercy.
This talk of tears is related to the fact that I feel like I'm in a season of transition. Lots of hellogoodbyes happening all together at once. The tears these days are sad and sweet and they are shed to the dreamy folky playlist that is playing in my head (and on spotify playlist). I'm currently obsessed with "wildflowers" by Tom Petty. Right now I think it's beautiful and perfect. And summer goodbyes, are met with promise and anticipation, so everything feels wild and hazy. Like wheat fields at sunset.
I've been really lucky in my short life, I haven't had to say goodbye to that many things and people of significance. Which explains why goodbyes feel big and important all the time. I think its important to do goodbyes well. They should be sweet and thoughtful and a mark that something important happened. I like closure, and tucking memories away for later. Even the ones that sting. Remembering is important, too.
I think the first time I felt the sting of goodbye, was before I went to college. Saying goodbye to high school was no big deal, my friends and i were on to bigger and better things. Saying goodbye to those people and that summer was probably the first time i ever felt how truly bittersweet life could be.
The summer after my senior year of high school was one of the sweetest times in my life. My friends and I worked dumb jobs for little money during the day and them spent every waking moment outside of that together. We played tennis for hours, we star gazed, we went to graduation parties, listen to the beatles and queen blasting form our first cars as we drove around aimlessly. We watched old SNL's and drank cherry coke until we were blue in the face. We;d stay up all night playing board games and eating bread bowls from perkins. (just the bread bowl, no salad obviously). We talked and laughed and made sweet, sweet memories that made us feel like we were in a movie. Everything was perfect.
The night before we all went our separate ways, we all had dinner at a fancy Italian restaurant, called Angelinas. Invitations were sent, fancy dress was required, and a table was reserved for me and my 10 best friends. We were test driving adulthood like bosses. Our friend Maggie had arrived and placed a perfect, thoughtful present at each of our seats, and our other friend katie made us mixed cd's to take with us. (sidenote: i still have that cd).
We ate great food, the spent a long time laughing and remembering and savoring the time we had left. It's also one of my first experiences where the table and what happened there were deeply significant.
After dinner, we all traded our fancy clothes and adulthood for ripped jeans and flip flops and high tailed it to our favorite spot in town....the fountains outside an 150 year old hotel. We laughed and splashed and took so many pictures, and finally, we'd reached our curfew and we all had to go home. Back in the Bay we had to be home on time because nothing good happens after midnight (so sayeth the lord, and my father). We piled in our cars and turned the music up loud and drove away from what was into what would be.
We'd spend the next couple of days saying goodbye to each other as we all left at different times. The day I left, I went to my best friend Laura's house and said goodbye to her, her brother and her parents. I hugged her goodbye, which was weird because normally we were not huggers. I hugged her tight and for a long time. Then, I got in the car and drove off with my parents....
I hadn't felt sad until right then. I suddenly felt the weight of goodbye. As I headed west literally into the sunset with my parents in the front seat and all my junk in the back i knew that this goodbye was important, and significant, and then the tears came.
I cried from gratitude, for the sweet friends I had. For the tribe of people who made the teenage years suck less, the people with whom i had inside jokes and long talk about our futures. These peoples' names were written in the early rings of my heart. My first safe place to land.
I cried because there is something sad about growing up. I was leaving parts of myself behind, shedding old skin, to put on new. Saying goodbye to the old normal to embrace a new one. Suddenly i was my parents daughter, but also an adult, and my entire life was head of me.
My first goodbyes are hazy and sepia toned full of the promise of life ahead of us and the longing to always be together, like we were that summer.
As i write this, i'm listing to "America" by Simon and Gfunk, and everything about this song reminds of me what the summer of being 18 felt like.
This fist goodbye lead to some of the sweetest hellos and heartbreaking farewells i will ever know, i am so grateful for the way we loved each other that summer and for the ways we held each other together in the years that followed.
We're all over the place now. We are writers, and teachers, and social workers, engineers, among other things.Some of us are married and some of us are still trying to figure it out. We've mostly lost touch, excpet of a few, but they were my first people and knew me when I was young and nervous but especially....
they knew me in the days when i didn't cry.
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