if people see me a charity case. imma have to make all the changes.

aint nobody got time for that.

everything about that is my biggest fear.

No. next time i'll be braver, i'll be my own savior standing on my own two feet.....

yes. next time, but there wont be a next time.

Summer is over....

i've been trying to write something here for days. I open a document and i have nothing. Nothing that is pushing me to say what needs to be said.

Which, i guess, is a good thing. There is nothing really overwhelming my thoughts. I'm happy. 

And that's true, for the most part. 

As summer comes to a celebrated and much anticipated close, i feel it only fitting to send Summer off with an open letter. 

Dear Old Friend, 

As faithfully has the morning, you arrived with your sweet taste of freedom and promise of sweet simplicity. Your arrival usually means being sunkissed and sweaty with wild hair, and no makeup, backyards and cookouts and swimming pools and laughter. lots of laughter. 

 Last summer is  dreamy, hazey, Polaroid nostalgia. When i remember last year's visit, it was  sweet, lovely and beautiful. Maybe not having any money and loving people the way your were wired to, is really all you need to have a lovely imprint on your heart of what could be.  It is a summer that i will look on with nothing but love. It was not without it's troubles, but the laughter and love out weight the rough patches. 

I looked to this summer to be similar. With all the same feelings of sweetness and simplicity. This summer was a lesson is not being able to do it all. This summer was a lesson is trying to juggle some plates and keeping them off the ground but not catching them like they deserved to be caught. 

I thought i could do my job, and do it super well, and hangout with children all summer and do that super well. Turns out, i did it all okay. 

I didn't plan what my summer weeks would look like. I did not appropriately plan fun things, i did not full engage with them, and they were all just being how 3rd graders are and i couldn't deal. They complain, they would rather be playing video games, they would fight, they would act like going outside was a punishment. 

and when those days came, i just wanted your departure to be the very next day. So...i began to count the days until school started, and i got crabby when the children were less that the little angles i had expected them to be. 

when you're constantly refereeing arguments and making sure no one is left out and making sure they go outside and are fed and what not....work gets pushed aside....after all....i can always do it later.  

and when i couldn't do it later or couldn't focus, i got crabby. So i spent a lot of time feeling like i needed a break but knew it wouldn't come until the school year. 

That's not to say that i did not have a great time this summer, because i did. i really, really did. it was different than last summer, but still so wonderful. 

I just learned that i can't do it all. 

So, now sleepy sunsets of august will soon turn to the bright, crisp mornings of all, and the leaves will change and i will fall in love with everything again as is what happens when autumn comes of visit. 

So, my dear summer, thank you for all you've given me. The tan lines, the messy hair, and the beautiful memories with even more beautiful people. 

if you're looking for my heart.....

look no further than the people in this photo. This is what i'm most thankful for in this very instant. Relationships that transcends age and martial status.

there are not enough words.

I get so emotional baby.....

The word disappointment hangs kind of heavy in the air today. Disappointment to me, makes me feel selfish. Like a 3 year old who didn't get her way.

I'm the adult version of that today. Today, i'm disappointed. I just read an article about maturity, and how, often, as women, we don't allow ourselves to feel emotions such as fear or disappointment, or anything other than contentedness, really. Instead we let them fester, which breeds anger.

Anger, as you know, and i certainly know, is a secondary emotion, expressed only when you're head and heart are full to the tipy top of things you've been holding in that have been poking you for just a tad too long.

Anger, as you know, looks good on exactly 0% of people.

Anyway, my point and the article's point was that it's ok to feel those emotions,and it's even healthy because then you know how to work though them.

Well, today i was disappointed. I was super looking forward to going to the farmers market today. I literally dreamed about strolling and flowers and coffee and all the laughs i would have with my dear friend. It was going to be sunny and fabulous and i'd get to spend 1 or 2 hours with my friend uninterrupted but any other humans.

and it sounded like heaven.

Well, when that didn't happen, today, which as a rational, big-girl, looking at it now is not a big deal in the slightest, i immediately stuffed what i was actually feeling and whipped out some sass and out the door i left in a huff.

and then i felt dumb for the following reasons

1. we can go to the farmers market pretty much any time. and we could go on Sunday, literally the day after today, and it would be the exact same form of wonderful.

2. my disappointment had nothing to do with the actual destination but rather that i could not spend 1 or 2 uninterrupted hours with my pal. Then i immediately felt ridiculous but that's a lot of pressure to put on someone and i have exactly none right to be that demanding.

So...i went to work, which i hated, and then i found out that i am not volunteering at VBS next week like i thought and i was disappointed again because:

1. i feel inadequate and i just want people to like me and this felt the opposite of being liked.

2. i had a plan and the plan did not work out.

Then i got a pedi with aforementioned friend and it was lovely except that i was still crabby and i didn't feel like going in to the depths of why i was crabby because i knew that i was being selfish and i was afraid it was turn into something bigger...so i hemmed and hawed and was generally crabby the whole day.

And now, i'm tired. I'm less disappointed and more blaze about the whole thing. I think we all have our days and as much i believe in honesty and saying how you feel, it's the hardest thing in the world for me to do.

because i talk myself out feeling justified and right into apology.

and the reality is that i feel a little worn out. Maybe i think I do more every day than other people do, or maybe i just feel less poured into by....anyone, really, than i have in a couple months.

so, today i was disappointed. I was a disappointed almost 30 year old who didn't get her way. and it was unattractive at best.

To whom it may concern:

I try really hard to make you all think i'm amazing. Really, though, i'm just a girl, who loves life a whole lot even though she has no idea what she's doing. Who's trying to exist in a world that broke her heart, and just wants to do the best she can. Sometimes, she's funny. She has a flair for the dramatic, and often isn't serious. She's clumsy and awkward. She wears her heart proudly on her sleeve and she doesn't quite know what to make of most things. She believes in the power of Jesus, she believes in kindred spirits, and community and a tribe of people who will chase you if you leave.  She believes in the type of love that is worth writing about, and late night heart to hearts and telling everyone exactly how you feel. She believes in traditions and story telling and front porch sitting and helping people move. She is passionate about life around the kitchen table. She hopes that someday she'll figure it all out, and that she'll make her people proud. She's doesn't try to be, but sometimes she's a pill. She loves hard. She plays hard, and she laughs hard. she loves the sound of summer and the smell of fall and her friends and family with all that's in her. 

This story, my story, is about broken hearts, and people just trying to do the best they can. This story is about saying "yes" and the power of friendships, and the power of Jesus. It's a story about trying, for better or worse. It's about falling down and getting back up. It's about triumph over tragedy. 

This is a story about becoming, the evolution of discovering who you are. It's about growing up and staying young.  It's about always becoming more like Jesus. Here, you'll find laughter, tears, hardship and compassion often all at the same time. You'll find truth and honesty that is real, and sometimes jarring. It's about the best and worst parts of you. It's about crying on the kitchen floor and bear hugs, and loud, belly laughs.

This story, is not mine alone. It's our story. 

So, my apologies. you'll soon see i'm not amazing, i'm actually just really lost but enjoying the adventure of being found an awful lot. So here are some pieces of me, pieces, that are not just mine, but rather also pieces of people I've gathered up along the way. I keep them tucked closely to my heart so I wont forget to what it was like, and i wont forget to be grateful. 

This will be a labor of love, and a project in which i will attempt to tell a story of love that is extraordinarily ordinary. My people. My thee am, hysterically cry, are still in the doorway after i slam the door. This is for them to see themselves in a new light. My light- my rose-colored, sepia toned, thankful light.

This is for them, and for all the lost boys, and the wanders, dreamers and the looking glass lookers. 

It is my prayer that through this journey of becoming we discover how found we truly are.

Who are you......

if you've ever wondered what cartoon i most identify with, it's alice in wonderland. One of my favorite parts is the caterpillar who is smoking hookah, blowing smoke rings at alice wondering who she is....

this is for alice and all the lost boys and everyone who's still searching....

I am
The opposite of put together
flawed. ripped jeans
stains on my shirt.
from spilling as i laugh too hard
i probably have something on my face

I am a deep wrinkle on my forehead
from a furrowed brow
of figuring things out myself.

I am a story reteller
with a flair for the dramatic
with hand gestures for days

i am a heart in search of what makes
my pulse beat deep within me.

i am a soul who longs for justice and peace
and heaven on earth.

I am an only child
grasping for things
that make me part something bigger

i am an empty hand
waiting for someone to grab it
and keep it safe
and not let go.

I am a train wreck
trying to figure out this life
thing with out a map

i am funny
because i'm not pretty

i am equal parts
heart broken and hopeful

I am...a believer
in Jesus and love
and being part of something  beautiful

I am attitude and concern
and desire to learn and make things better

i am lots of failures and mistakes
i am second chances and
hand holding and hugs when there are no words

I am willing
i am able
and waiting to be called.

I am a soft heart
fragile with my feelings
just wanting people to like me
and love me
and say i'm amazing.

i haven't heard that last part in awhile

and i'm staring to think i lost my sparkle.