Hey, let's pray for my Uganda ladies...

so... i did it. 31 days of blogging.

Tonight, i'm just going to ask you to pray for my Uganda ladies as they continue to do all the hard work of organizing and filing the court records in Jinja. They are working long hours, in a dusty, dirty room organizing things for women and children they'll probably never meet.

So just pray for good rest when they can get it, for patience, and energy and stamina. They when they are tired they understand how amazing what they are doing is. I pray that they meet Jesus every day they are there, and that when they come home, they know Jesus more deeply and they love people in an even deeper and more authentic way than they did before.

I pray for a safe return of people. I pray that their transition into regular life goes well.

Thank you Jesus for making this all work, for being in the details and for knowing what's up before we did. We are so thankful for how these women are made.

So..yeah. They come home on Sunday. So lift them up, would you? they're worth it.

Amen.

I just have landed in the best possible place.

There has never been a time where i've felt so comfortable just existing in my skin besides with the people who share DNA with me.

We're more the same than different. We get each other, and we laugh a lot.

My heart is home here. My home team has come out of nowhere.

Thankful for weddings, and changed locks and hearts that beat for the same things.

Thank you will never be sufficient, and love is not a strong enough word.

In this time, i begin to understand more how much we are loved.

That's pretty cool.

Greater things are yet to come and greater things are still to be done.....

Prayed for my A-Teams Boys tonight. As it is their baptism anniversary today. All three boys were baptised on the same day.

I mean. shut up. Jesus is so cool. I just think that is something to be celebrated and their story is worth telling. I will stand in the Gap for those people until Jesus comes back.

So tomorrow, i'm gonna do something cool. maybe. I'm gonna bake a baptism celebration treat, and i'll write each of them a note.

Uganda update: my people are meeting widows. they're filing papers and my heart beats fast when i think about because it's just so awesome that the work they'll do will have an immediate affect on the women of Uganda and they are putting a system in place that will hopefully sustain until well after we're all dead.

that.is.so.amazing.

I feel really strongly about missions right now. Some of my favorite people have gone over seas and some other people are thinking about it and generally annoying me.

here the deal: You don't need to go to a third world country and hold orphan babies to be missions or build a house.

You know what you need? A heart, hands and feet. Your mission field is anyone, anywhere who needs to know and be loved by Jesus. That might mean in your community, in the city near you or in Africa.

You experience the brokenness and then you hard work comes after. What will you do now that you've had this experience and know and understand brokenness differently? How will your life now reflect what you've seen and done.

How will you LOVE PEOPLE BETTER AND MORE BECAUSE OF IT?

i think over seas missions are great. i hope i didn't offend anyone...but i just don't want to make anyone feel like their work is less important or valued because they aren't in Thailand. or Japan or something....

something big is coming. i can feel it with all that's in me.

so..yeah...

Jesus. fuel this fire and push us into where you want us to be.

the Human Comedy....

sometimes i write weird things.


All the Kings Men
Speak with the Sound and Fury
of the Perfect Storm
While traveling A Long Day's Journey Into Night

In the Winter of Our Discontent
when Things Fall Apart
Sense and Sensibility teaches
The Invisibe Man
that The Heart is a Lonely Hunter
when The Outsiders
are Godless
On the Road

The American longs to know For Whom the Bell Tolls
but his quetsion is silenced like Snow Falling on Ceaders
when the Death of a Salesman
is seen as An American Tragedy

The men of Our Town
learn the Importnace of Being Earnest
While they look for The Age of Innocence
during The War Years

All is Quiet on the Western Front
during the Metamorphosis of
this Brave New World
full of Catch 22's

Sons and Lovers
wear a Red Badge of Courage
in times of War and Peace
facing The Enemy of the People
whie waiting for the Awakening
of The Once and Future King.

is true love just once in a life time?

I'm changing. I can feel it. My heart is, too.

Jonah is wrecking me and i haven't quite found the words to express how, yet.

I know I'm running, but I'm not sure if it's away from something, or to something bigger.

It's probably a combination of both. I am itching to do something meaningful.  I have this passion in the pit of my stomach that i often mistake for anxiety. it's calling me to action but i'm not sure what kind.

and i want to be brave enough to answer the call.

I've been praying for someone or something to move me. To get under my skin enough for me to move. And i think Hosanna has been so powerful lately because

 "heal my heart and make it clean, open up my eyes to the things unseen, show me how to love like you have loved me. break my heart for what breaks yours, everything i am for your kingdoms cause"

has never been more real to me. ever.

so...my heart is being broken, at the same time it's being healed.

and surrendering to that kind of heart breaking power is scary, and i have to light my house on fire and burn it to the ground and let Jesus rebuild it his way.

and that's real scary. But i think i'm ready.

i have nothing to lose and everything to gain. so game on. let's love like Jesus and let's see where it takes us.

Today as i lead community prayer, as i stood in front of the people who have loved me the last four years, as i tried to not completely come unglued, i felt the spirit move in a way i haven't in a long time.  but i'm not sure it had anything to do with the space, or people.

I'm giving my heart back. kind of. actually i don't even know what that means...but it makes sense in my head.

anyway with all this emotion swirling around, my head steps in and is like.....no. you gotta be smarter. you gotta protect your heart better. you can't go all in again, looks what it's done to you.

But all in is the only way i know how to do anything.

And I would argue, that "what its done" has made me a better person...maybe...the jury is still out on that, you'd have to ask my people, and i'm sure you'd get mixed review.

i'm probably working at a C+....i have a ways to go.

i am just convinced that life doesn't mean to break your heart....or maybe that's the point.

she loves her mama's lemonade, and hates the sounds that goodbyes make....

 August  is quickly approaching, which means the end of summer, and some hard goodbyes.

My Julia is going to college. I don't know how to explain my love for Julia. She is my little sister, an extension of myself, a littler me with more brains and beauty than she knows what to do with.  (i had some brains when i was her age, but not the beauty)

She is my girl. i will always try to protect her, and help her and love here from where ever i am. I will be her 3 am call, and i'll drive my ass to Beliot, 5 hours, in the middle of the night if i have to.

I'm so excited for her to take this step into becoming more of who she is in a place that is new and exiting.

But i'm real sad about it, too because i can't keep tabs on her like i'd like, I can't watch out for her like i can do here, and i just don't want her to lose her mind or her vcard before she's ready.

I feel like with people you love you always want something better for them. I want her to find a solid group of people. Who will know when to cut her off and make her go home, who will be honest and kind with her, and i want her to find a boy who love her and is nice.

four years ago, i would never have thought she'd grab my heart the way she has but i would walk through fire for her....so now, i'm just praying every day that God prepares her for what's ahead and that she's protected.

Emma leaves too. She's going to Columbus to explore post-grad life with a boy who loves her to the moon and back. I'm excited to see where life takes them, yet. I'm sad that i can't have a front row seat.

I feel like i'm watching them learn how to ride a bike. I realize i'm taking too much ownership over them...and its probably a little weird. But if you knew the whole story, i'm sure you'd understand more.

August 19th will come and i will cry good tears and sad ones because watching pieces of your heart leave is something to get emotional about.

you know?

in between the lines in the boulevard......

my main question is when we die, will we know our people when we get there? Will we remember the history that weaves us together? Pain and heart ache included?  and will i know them when i see them?

Also, i'm going to have a lot of questions for Jesus. Do you think i'll get to ask them?

This is when i need Jonna.

Additionally, i'm watching War Dance. Because i'm a masochist.  You want to completely rip my heart out? You show me kids who have been abandoned, abused or put into slavery.

i mean. for real.

I also bought a book called "sold" which is written in verse about a girl who is sold into slavery in India. It's a young adult novel...er...book. i dont' even know how to classify it...

I'd say there is something wrong with me.

i want the smarty pants people in my life to give me books to read and then i want to make a notes in them and talk about how they've challenged me into some sort of action.

which reminds me. I need to start volunteering somewhere. ASAP.

but where?

I'm looking at my pinterest boards and wondering what it says to other people about me. I mean i have a whole board dedicated to pictures of people holding hands. i love my boards. I'm in the middle of a crafting project. it's always more work and more ridiculous than i think it's going to be.

because it's me and i don't  do anything the right way...like....ever. so...it's a journey. i'm holding it with an open hand.

Well, this is very disjointed. I shouldn't write in the morning. i need coffee.

Nick got Rollerblades last night. I'm a little bummed because i was going to buy them for him for his birthday...but now he has them so we can go on some adventures.

but right now. he's like Bambi when he's learning how to walk...so I've calling nick "the young prince" since last night.

I'm the only one who thinks it's funny.

just shut up.

whatever. I'm gonna wear my ANCHOR SCARF today and forever.

it's a best friend's sweatshirt kind of day...

There's just a lot in my head so i'm not sure how any of this is going to go.

I'm just warning you.

I'll tell you a weird thing about me. I like to wear other people's clothes. I mean, I'm a girl so that's should not be surprising. But i tend to wear the clothes of my favorite people.

I like to call this. "my best friends sweatshirt." In college, i'd always wear my best friends sweatshirt, that i stole from her while i was visiting her at college, when i'd have major test or paper due. It made me feel more confident and safe. Like she was there.  There are just people in your life who make you feel like everything is ok even in the middle of a Class A Shitstorm, and even when it's not, It's a reminder of the people you love.

I know. Weird, right? and slightly obsessive and neurotic. but whatever.

I'm wearing my fave girls shirt right now because she's not here and I'm ridiculous.

We will be strong, but we will still break....

this song has offically edged out Tiny Dancer as my favorite song. Everything about it is lovely. Dave Barnes is my favorite ever. So i'm just feelin' really good about this.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_JHH-1LpEdg


the video though...is just cray. i dont like it when people make videos like this. Not a good hobby. i'm actually really annoyed by it.

but i'm trying to be a better person.



what's done and yet to come.....amen.... <3.

the lovesong of j. alfred prufrock

in case you're wondering, my recent google searches are the following:

1. how much do baby elephants weight when they're born
2. where can i buy saddle shoes for adults
3. Anchor necklaces
4. wrist tattoos.
5. chasing the sun lyrics......dont' even. i know. i'm trying to fix it.


i need melatonin. asap.


if you're wondering, i'm suckered a teen ager into staying up with me.

also...the title of this post is the title of one of my favorite poems but is all written totally in streams of conciousness.

thank you and goodnight.

for you. there's no rest for the weary.

im not weary

just wired.

gah. i hate everything.

love you.

what?

A late night prayer sesh...

If you haven't noticed. I'm kinda crazy about Jesus. So, if  that offends you, don't read any further....

Tomorrow...er...today actually....some people are i love are going to Africa. Yeah, i've been talking about it a lot. Mostly because it's been super beautiful to watch how God has worked to make this all come together so smoothly and this group of women who are going to fight for women who don't have a voice makes me so proud. My little cup is overflowing.

So, i can't sleep on account of all the caffeine i've consumed today. I mean, it's been a lot, people. I have a problem but I'm not about to change my ways.

So i'm just going to pray for them, right now, I'd really love it if you joined me in praying for the  next 11 days....and even longerwhile they're there and for when they come back because you don't go to Africa and  not get changed by it.

Father God,

I just thankyou so much that the plans you have for us are so much greater than we could ever imagine. I want to pray a blessing over these women on their way to Uganda today, Lord. I thank you for how you've made each of them and have wired them in a way that will make them such an incredible asset to this trip. Lord, I thank you for the heart you've given each of these women. For the heart you've given Lisa for Widows, IJM and the connections you've made between the two of them.

I pray that you protect them as they travel, may their trips go smoothly, I pray for the pilots and the airport workers, Lord, may they get  our precious cargo where it needs to go without any trouble. I pray for high spirits and hopeful hearts and communication in every single place to be perfect. I pray for bonds to be made between these women, that are deeply rooted in you and this experience. I pray for good health, and that culture and food, and weather shock be minimal.Also, no blue bugs or anything crazy.

I thank you for the people at IJM who will be working with our teams. I pray for grace and patience and understanding as this under taking is large. I pray that you break their hearts in new ways, Lord. May they see you in a new way, May they feel you as they work. I pray that they are totally present and you remove any pangs of home sickness they feel. I pray that are so engrossed in this job and being together that they think of home but never have a chance to miss it.

I pray for open eyes and hearts and they begin to develop a system that will allow these records to be quickly and efficiently sorted and organized. I pray that justice be done for these widows. I thank you so much for the desire of loving and living like YOU that these women have.

I pray for the families they leave behind. May life be normal as they are away. I pray that their families have new and deeper love for the women who are serving and know and love You in a new way because of their amazing leaps of faith.

These women mean a lot to me. Some more than others, I just really need you to bring them back in one piece, but change their hearts, I pray that because of this opportunity they seek justice with even more vigor than they did before.

Also, if you could throw in a baby elephant sighting, that would make my life really awesome.

We leave these women in your capable, loving hands, and know that you have big things in store for them and love them more than we ever could.

but we really love them so keep them safe and happy. and make these days go quickly but stand still, too, because this is such a special and rare opportunity.

ok? cool. I love you a lot. Thanks for being on top of it for us.

IN JESUS NAME.

Amen.

where you lead, i will follow....

when i'm sad about things. i watch the gilmore girls.

i've had too much caffeine today. i'm weepy.

so...i'm hunkering down with the ladies of stars hallow.

if things get real sad, i have season 5. The luke and lorelai season.

just whatever.

My strongest suit.....

I have a favorite dress. What girl doesn't? It's blue and white stripes and it hits me right below the knee and it's got a skirt that's good for twirling. I love the dress not because it looks amazing on me, but because i feel pretty great in it, and i don't always feel great in clothes.

and i have no idea why. I love blue, but i have lots of blue things. This dress though? i would run into a burning building to save it.

Well, maybe not, but I'd at least think about it.

and in honor of my blue dress, and me not writing about anything that has any substance because if i did i would cry.....

here one of my favorite songs from my favorite musicals, "My strongest suit" from Aida.

seriously, this musical doesn't get enough press.  If this doesn't make you smile. We probably wouldn't be friends in real life.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H0bYHwRXp0s

You said, remember that life is, not meant to be wasted....

This blogging thing is actually doing good things for my soul. I know I'm not a great writer and that most posts are chuck full of angst and melodrama but my thoughts are all kinda getting in line behind each other and taking turns getting the spot light, which is nice because most of the time they are all yelling at the same time and then I get real anxious about it.

And really, I don't write for anyone but myself anyway.

So. get off me.

Tomorrow I'm gonna Rollerblade. it should probably be a spectator event. I feel like it'll probably be laugh worthy.

I'm also going to creative team tomorrow with a new attitude and with some issues resolved. I like that. I feel like I'm going back home. I don't stay mad for long, but i might take awhile for me to really find my place there again.

and maybe i never will. I've been reading a lot, lately, and I have a lot of ideas and opinions. I think a lot of them are good and valid, and right now I'm in a dreaming phase. I want to dream big things and make a plans.

Then i want to kick down some doors and make it happen. I don't wanna waste anymore time. We're talking about people who need us like....5 years a go....and we're talking about peoples souls and value and we need to start making things happen.

In other news. I got to play with a baby today for about 3 hours. She's just the cutest thing ever. I LOVE HER. So that was fun. Also still listening to "chasing the sun" on repeat.

Julia and Emma leave in less than a month. I have not processed that. So excited for them, their futures are bright. love those starfish.

Currently reading "Love Does" it's so great. so great. It might be one of my faves. We'll see. I'm gettin real passionate about it and I'm only like 50 pages in.

I'm sleepy.

lisa is gone for 10 days.

I'm sadder about it than i should be.

so. there's that.

You gotta keep your head up ooooooooooooh!

Let me tell you a story about some of my people, it's a good one.  I mean, sort of. 

Ok. So here's the thing you need to know about me. I'm a perfectionist in almost everything but proof reading.

I swear I never proof read a paper in college. Mostly because I was always writing 12 page papers the night before they were due. I hate it. I'm not sure why, though, because I love editing other people's writings. I guess, I just don't read my own.

And, as I can imagine you've noticed. I suck at typing. It's because my fingers don't move as fast as my brain. It's just the way it is.

Well, when you go to school to be a teacher, they kind of expect you do write some units for whatever subject tickles you're fancy. Mine is English. I'm not even going to note the irony of that. Just know, I'm making the same joke about myself in my head as you are, dear reader.
I mean, units, duh? Well, at Eau Claire, they really pushed cross curriculum units. We all like to be well rounded and drive the same themes home in EVERY subject. Super great idea in theory. Much harder in practice.

but I digress, what else is new?

Cross Curriculum Units. Right. So, me and 4 of my pals from other subjects got together and wrote a 250 page unit for 5 different subjects complete with assessments, assignments and handouts for every subject....it was on Identity. We worked super hard for about a month on it, though it was assigned 2 months previous, and while we tend to procrastinate our stuff was good. I picked a good group and we all stayed up late together, met early and email, texted and called each other checking on progress to the point of obsession.

We're all procrastinating over achievers. There is such a thing. I am walking proof.

Everything was given to me 3 days before it was due. As the resident grammar and language Nazi, it was my job to proof read everyone's stuff and make sure it was formatted correctly and sounded like we'd spent months working on it. Instead of month. singular,  then i was supposed to print and bind it. Making it look pretty and professional.

All was going to plan, i read and re-read every page of that stupid unit until I had it memorized. I printed it and had it bound.

*enter Jabs (whose real name is John) and Brent (my gay)* These two are extensions of myself. We are the three amigos, i practically lived with them all through college. They are my people. my family. the people i would freak out to and at when i was super stressed and they'd get me drunk to make me feel better. They are my bests.

Well, I brought my newly bound unit to them to show them what a work of art it was. I had just returned from a celebratory happy hour with my group, So i was tipsy. Though it should be noted that i am just hyper emotional always. I don't need booze to make me like that. I need no help with the crazy.

I hand them the unit, smugly, daring them to find one thing wrong with it. They half-heartedly flipped through it, impressed not so much by the content, but by the amount of time and energy expelled into something that would never actually get taught.

yep. it was a fake unit. sitting in my professor's filing cabinet somewhere.

Then handed it back to me, and john mixed me a drink. I stared at it one more time, and then i saw it.

ON THE COVER PAGE. THE WORD IDENTITY WAS SPELLED WRONG.

i dropped the unit, quickly picking it up, pointing, and screaming "WHAT DOES THIS SAY, WHAT DOES THIS SAY BECAUSE IT DOESN'T SAY IDENTITY LIKE ITS SUPPOSED TO" not actually listening for an answer.

mass panic ensued. i started swearing and crying because not only had i just come from happy hour where my entire group looked it over and ok-ed it, but it was now 10pm in EAU CLAIRE so the only thing open at this time of night ARE THE BARS, which at this point, did me no good.

so i do what any normal, mature, adult would do and i begin to full on weep. Big old crocodile tears, cuss words flyin'. I mean i lost my shit. all of it.

Brent and John just stare at me. (they're used to my slightly dramatic reactions) then they immediately begin to form a game plan. Brent takes my lap top and emails john all the pages of the unit, while I try to pull my shit together. Then  I fix the typo on the cover page. Jabs then drives down to lower campus, breaks into the academic building where he works (Well, he had a key, but he's not supposed to be in there at night) and he re-printed the entire 250 page unit in color for me, and then Brent and I put it all back together the right way. We bound it. I cried more. Hugged them both. (I love those boys and would take a bullet for them, but as a general rule, we don't ever hug each other. I'm not sure why. i'm a hugger by nature) and thanked them until the words sounded funny, like they weren't real words. you know how that happens when you say a word too many times? It starts to sound made-up. Then we went back to my apartment, safely tucked away the unit, and then went out to the only thing that was actually open at 11 pm on a thursday. The Bars. We had yet another celebratory drink...or 4.

I wore out the words "thank you" that night, and they didn't seem to mind one bit. They think it's hilarious, mostly because of my Oscar worth freak out. We still joke about it, today. Jabs just wrote it on my faceboook wall which is why I'm telling you now. I laugh about it now, but that night was one of the most sincere forms of friendship I've ever experienced. It makes my heart overflow.

Those boys. I love em. more than most things. They've just always been there. Right now, though, I feel far from them, but I know that this is a season, and we're all going to be just fine. They're my lifers. When i get married they will be the first people to approve my potential husband and the first people to tell horribly embarrassing but side achingly funny stories about me and us.

Because when you let people into your heart and life the way those boys are in mine, you give them permission to expose the real you to everyone, and they'll do it without having to be asked. They know me better than I know myself most days. They understand what makes me scared and how I act when i'm nervous, and how i always try to surpise them with something but they've always seen it coming.  They know all the facets of me and when they raz me about the weird parts of me, they are doing it out of a tender place, because some of the things i hate most about myself are their favorite things about me.

And sometimes you have to try and see yourself the way your best friends and family see you in order to love yourself the way they do. Completely and without hesitiation.

So sometimes I get a little sad when I don't see them as often as I would like, or I get frustrated when our seasons of life don't match up and we're all trying to do our own things.  I have to remind myself that they aren't going anywhere, and that i'm not necessarily supposed to understand why things are the way they are right now, i'm simply supposed to love them. and us through it because our roads always come back together.

So, if you're wondering, No, this little situation did NOT teach me to proof read better. I still rarely proof anything that's mine.....thats why I have other people do it for me.

I don't even know how to end this, except to say that I hope everyone has their own version of Jabs and Brent because it really doesn't get much better than those two boys.

Standing in the Gap....

Has absolutely wrecked my heart
but has made me believe in the
power
of people
and Jesus.
in a way that nothing else could.

I have learned to love people
when its hard
when i don't understand
when i feel like i have nothing left
but somehow
I always find a way to hit my knees
and pray
one
more
time.

When I can't find the words
and all i have is tears
and fear
God knows.

And that's enough.

To Summer: A love letter

So, Crossroads is in a series on Jonah. It's been challenging and complex in a way that I didn't expect which is kind of awesome. I was going to write about it today, but my head and heart haven't really agreed on the right words yet....so I'm going to let it simmer and stew and watch where the spirit leads me. I like the way it's making me think, and I'm trying hard to choose the right words.

When I find them, though, they will be beautiful and simple.

anyway..

It's almost August. Summer is almost over, which is a little ridiculous. It always takes too long to get here, and it always leaves too soon. But for three months, we are kissed with sunshine and beautiful possibilities. Days are long, and nights are calm.

Summer is always fleeting. From the day after summer begins the days begin to get shorter, like a stop watch prompting us to Carpe the crap of the Diem.  Urging us to choose joy, and forgiveness because sunshine feels better that way. It's like we're being reminded that everything is far too short and we should go cross things off our bucket lists because the sun is never going to shine for as long and watermelon is never going to taste as sweet. if not now, then when? There's never going to be a good time for anything. Timing will never be perfect because the timing has nothing to do with our hypothetical schedules.

Summer reminds us of God's grace and goodness. The smell of flowers, and the sound of the wind and the warmth of the sun are all reminders that He is good and faithful and provides for all of us including the flowers and the birds...

She reminds us how to be happy with simplicity of life. With water and sun and family. Somehow reminding us that our people matter more than most things. That time with them is sweet and special and sitting down to share a meal is one of the strongest, most tangible examples of love.  We begin to wonder why we don't do these things more often because in summer we allow ourselves to let our guards down a little more than usual. We smile and laugh more, we invite people into our lives in a way that is unique to only this season. Swim suits and shorts are the dress code which in itself provides a freedom to just be ourselves.

I'm thankful for the reminders of summer. I 'm thankful that it somehow always shows me the best parts of life, even in the midst of a storm, blue skies are God's promise that He brings relief and that he is good, and even after a storm things begin to grow again.

I just feel bad for people who don't get to experience the beauty of every season. I appreciate summer so much more because I've experienced the harshness of winter.

I mean, metaphor for life, obviously.

Here's to you, Summer. The old friend that never let's us forget how awesome life is. I tip my sunhat to you.

something wicked this way comes....

Lamest post ever.

I like ghost hunting tv shows. I watch them until i'm scared and then i pray afterward.

Tonight i'm watching with Austin....and i'm not posting because i'm choosing to be present and scared.

and that's awesome.

Friday's child is loving and giving.....

Ok, yesterday's post was kind of lame-o. However, I do love Thursdays, and I do think that something significant happens on Thursday. Maybe not life altering per say, but I feel like God does something with this time.
 
So. you got a spark notes version of  why I love it.
 
Today, I'll give you a little insight into some weird things I'm interested in, unfortunately you might find this kind of lame-o, too. So sorry. Actually, I'm not.
 
I can't always be charming.
 
So I like learning about the "types" of people, people are. I like learning about people's strength's finders, and their love languages, their  zodiac signs and what kind of learner they are, if they're a first born or a baby or an only child..... I just think its super interesting and it tells you a lot about who someone is.
 
What I like even more is learning about the characteristics and personality types of the people who are born on your birthday. I also kind of dig knowing about what day of the week you were born on and what those characteristics are.
 
I'm fascinated by it, and i just really love learning about people. I'm a nerd. If I'm public, you'd probably catch me staring at some one or a group as I'm watching them, trying to learn about them from their interactions.
 
maybe i should have studied sociology.
 
Also, this is probably going to give you the complete wrong idea about me, but i like to play the "life story game" while I'm in public.  I made it up one day when i was waiting for Melissa at an audition. What is this magic, you ask?
 
Well, I'll tell you.
 
Its when you pick a person who is walking by, or sitting near you, or is across the street, or waiting in line....and you pick out their name and give them a life story based totally on what their wearing and what kind of personality you think they have, and you try to throw in something random or weird...more so than whomever you're playing with.
 
Sometimes I play with Brad and Julia, those are for sure some of my favorite times at Bread and Chocolate....
 
For example, "That's Joann, a 36 year old 3rd grade teacher who is really into yoga and gangster rap music.she only eats skittles in groups of threes and secretly wants to quit her teaching job to be a dancer "
 
It's not a mean thing, it's just a fun random thing to see how creative you can get. I also like to play "true life" like....the MTV show....someone turns to you and says "true life" and you try to think of a the most random thing that could be a show
 
again, an example? "True life: i eat quarters" or True life: i married a turtle.
 
it's all about being creative and weird and quick.  I mean, I'm a lot of fun if you're in public for long periods of time with me.
 
BUT I DIGRESS.  I was born on Friday, October 19, 1984....yeah, i'm 28. I know. ....so according to someone who is much smarter than i am....this is a little something about me.....

It's the day of the "Peaceful Activist"

my greatest challenge is allowing other people to take the lead.  this is so true it's ridiculous.
You are self-expressive and animated in speech. Your memory is outstanding when it comes to the “little things” that you pick up from others and when it comes to the past. You are curious and possess a dual nature—sometimes chatty and rational, and other times withdrawn and moody. You are quite determined and possess resolve. With good business sense and the ability to “read” people well, you are likely to enjoy much success in life as you age. You have the rare gift of the ability to be assertive and charming at the same time.

charming – creative – personable but also rebellious, tactless and possessive. umm. yes.

i bolded the things that were..true. But only on good days. :)

 

Your worst faults are that you are too adaptable to the people with whom you come in contact.

 

You also have a great magnetic power. You maybe successful as a speaker. You are intensely emotional as a person. You will have the great ambition but you will be restricted in carrying them out, always finding considerable opposition to your plans. You want to avoid the blood shade and war in all its form, unless forced into it by your strong sense of justice. You have the power to balance all the emotions in you. You also like to maintain the harmony. You like the individuality and individual talent.

The link to all the things about me is here.....i couldn't copy and past and its makin' me more pissed than it should....
 
So...should you care enough to read this....enjoy....and just know that it's almost spot on.

http://birthdaypersonality.tumblr.com/post/6231643839/19-october-the-birthday-of-the-peaceful-activist
 
 
And last, I was born on a Friday. What does that say about me?

Friday's child ("ruled" by Venus) -- Affectionate, sympathetic, caring, social, artistic and/or seductive, over-sexed, vain, vulgar, lazy

You are naturally artistic and creative. You have tons of fabulous ideas, but have a hard time seeing them through to completion. This may be because you are going in so many different directions at once. But you hesitate to pick one thing because you bore easily and get tired of the same thing. You are loving, kind and very sympathetic. You are very sensitive to others, and make a wonderful friend.

I'm also an only child....so you can only imagine.
 
 
so that's that, another pretty lame post....but I am actually super interested in it. so...i can't be tamed.

You can have Manhattan, cause i can't have you...

Whoa. I'm cutting it close tonight.

Today is Thursday. I love Thursdays. It's CSA day. What does that mean? Nothing really except that i get to sit outside and chat (or not) with Lisa (and lately the other Lisa, too) all day while people from church come pick up their produce.

I mean, really, no one should get excited about this, but i do. We work on stuff, chat, read (if you're me) make lists, begin conversations we never seem to finish and we laugh, which is my favorite part. It's just a cool time to be able to hang out with some of your favorite people with no agenda other than....lets see where the day takes us.

it's just very laid back and productive, and i always feel really good about the day when CSA Thursdays happen.

The driveway/garage seems to be a place to rest this summer. Whether we're having beer late at night or if we're in the garage watching people drive by like we're creepers, it seems to keep creepin' up into my life.

Maybe one day i'll write about called "Dreams of a Driveway Dweller"  yeah, that title needs some work. for sure.

When you think about it though, it's a really meaningful space. We rush out to greet people who've just arrived and help bring things inside, we sit in the driveway and talk about life, and watch it all unfold before us, and it's where we say our final goodbyes...people leaving our house...of if you're in a car getting dropped off. Hellos, goodbyes and our middles happen in the driveway.

who knew driveways were that cool?

In a New York State of Mind....

I just want to go to New York.

I want to eat a hot dog for a vendor guy. and pizza. i wanna get coffee at 3 am. And smoke cigarettes like it's the 60's and everyone is doing it.

I want to stay up and watch the sunrise over the skyline, walk over the Brooklyn bridge. Go to Ellis Island and touch part of my history. I want to go to all the museums ever, and sit in central park and read.

I want to go into a beautiful cathedral and pray. i want to feel the rush of city life and drink a fancy drink that i can't afford and pretend I'm Carrie Bradshaw.

I have been in love with this city since I was young, and I've never been there, and as much as i love Chicago, it's not cutting it anymore.

Part of me, though, is a little worried that when i get there, it wont live up to my expectations and I'll hate it and think everything is too fast paced and people aren't nice enough.

And I want to go to the Algonquin and sit where Dorothy Parker, and Fitzgerlad, and Salginer and Hemingway all sat. I want to walk the same streets they wrote about.

And then i want to go to Hartford and be in love with the simple, old, slower way of life that is New England, and i want to pretend i'm a gilmore girl, maybe....just a little.

I want to visit Harvard and Yale and walk around and let the smarts seep into me.

It has to be fall. i love fall and i think everything will be more magical in the fall.

Because everything makes more sense in fall.

so...let's make that happen?

"I wish i could go back to college, In college you know who you are.....

I would sit in the quad, and think "oh my God" i am totally gonna go far"

Avenue Q...is such a ridiculous musical...but for today, the lyrics fit.

If nostalgia was a drug, I'd totally OD on it. For real, i will remember even the crummiest life event with just all the rose color in the world. When late august comes and the sunsets look like fall and back to school is about the happen...oh man...i just straight up lose my shit. I know, it's weird, but i love school supplies and fall, and new notebooks and leaves and the smell of a new year...i just do.

I love school, always have for as long as I can remember. And getting ready to go to college. I can't even. The dorms stuff, the schedules...college life. I get giddy and stupid about it.

I was just looking through some old college photos.

Man, there are some rough ones. A lot of rough ones. I look at them, and then it makes so much sense why i never really dated anyone in college. Except for the one guy. i was not a hottie...even a little. I've been in my awkward since age....6? I feel like i'm kind of coming out the other side now. slowly but surely..

It's like i was totally unaware of myself, and my body. Clearly, didn't feel great in my skin.

I'm come to terms with my butt and my thighs. i mean, sort of. More so than i ever was. I wear clothes that fit me....and for the most part flatter the body that i do have.

and i drink less which is helpful.

so here are some that popped up...

 

and also....

 

and one more for good measure.....because...i like to  be utterly embarrassed

 

I mean, i could probably drink you under that table, but I'm not sure if I'm so proud of that anymore.  While i never made super bad choices while i was drinking (ie...random sex, tattoos, etc) i still didn't make great choices, and i now i feel kind of mixed about it the whole thing.  it was fun, though, I'm not going to lie about that. Responsible? no. not even a little.  College years are for sure some of my favorite years....and not because of the drinking....i loved my classes and i graduated with honors (magna cum laude, bitches) i met amazing people, and got to do tons of cool things, but they were also some of the hardest..."finding yourself" is kind of rough work when you try to do with other people....and it doesn't really work.

But looking back i just want to give my early 20-something self a hug because...oh...did i need it. I don't know when exactly i stopped giving an eff about impressing other people and being trendy and doing what "normal" people  my age do, but it happened at some point. I'd be willing to bet it was when i started spending more time with Jesus and with people who kinda saw life through a similar lens.

And i should rephrase that....i still care, probably too much, about what other people think....but its the people in my life whom i respect a lot, and i think it's OK that i care about those people. I feel better in my skin...but i think there's always room for improvement.

And to be clear, i still enjoy drinking, and i love a rando white trashy holiday (for better or worse) but i don't feel like i need to drink to do be more fun or crazier or whatever....i donno...to prove something. or escape something....all the reasons you drink in college...because i let freedom go to my head...whatever...i don't do that anymore.

although, you tell me i can't do something and i'll probably tell you it's a free country and flip some tables, because...you know...i've matured a lot.

I mean it all comes with age, and i still have some work to do. Today, i feel kind of bad for college me....and wonder if  I even had a mirror?

Thank goodness for people who love me no matter what. ha.

Give it 5 years and i'll probably be looking at photos of me now wondering all the same things.

que sera, sera.

Lessons learned at the beach....

We're all gonna be ok, and bare really kick ass fruit. We just gotta be patient, and I'm not patient, but I'm trying to be.

I kinda want to make it my mission to make everyone understand how lovely they are. Can i have a job doing that?

Today i went to the beach and I was helping kids swim and do flips off me. We built sandcastles and sat in the shade and it was lovely.

I got really excited about the people I've been spending time with lately. It's effortless and comfortable and when everything else feel awkward and complicated it's nice to have a place to exist.

I'm pretty sure i could be a beach bum for the rest of my life. So maybe I need to marry rich.

Also. snow peas. are like an obsession right now. its just because there are a lot of them.

Today was a good day (so far) lot of smiles and vitamin d. :)

Sara Bareillis's new album came out today...what do the music people say? "the album dropped" I can't pull of that kind of cool kid lingo even if i tried my hardest.

anyway...so far it's pretty great. this song "chasing the sun" is  my favorite. I'll tell you why. I read that she wrote this after her friend sent her an email about running in the cemetery in the middle of Queens, which is kind of cool thing...i guess.

Anyway knowing that, i think makes the song cool, because the music kind of ebbs and flows as a runner would. it kind of starts out slower like a jog, and then there's like a swell where the tempo seems to be faster like a runner who's found their rhythm, which i think is cool. I don't know it that was intentional.  I'm probably making things up. but....i like it. I really like the lyrics, too.

Well, whatever i'm not a music critic...just listen to it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VfIuJpdTDCU

Also, i was supposed to be at the beaching hanging with Taylor and some cute kids but  because the babe is sick and there are some questionable tummy issues here. We aren't going....which i'm so super bummed about.  Especially because I think Nick is pretty much fine and it was probably something he ate.

oh well, we'll go later in the week. I just like having hang times with good people.

When someone tells you they love you, you gotta believe them....

Yeah, you bet I started this baby with a TSwizzle lyric. Don't even act like you don't love her.

Don't worry, I'm not going to get all weepy and mushy about anyone tonight. No one needs to ride that train more than once.

I don't really have anything specific i need to address tonight but i would like to take to opportunity to chat, just for a quick minute, about that friend we all have....who is completely flaky, self centered a little shady.

Yep, the friend you love, whom you miss and want to spend time with because it's been a while since you've spent any time together. And while you've made half hearted attempts to get together on facebook they rarely go past "miss you" and "miss you, too. Coffee soon"

and that's it. Soon never comes because if you want it to come, you have to make it happen. so you send a text, and you make plans...and then it's a big cluster. and you remember why you dont' do this more often.

so, why do we keep doing this to ourselves?

Well, ultimately, because we love people, and tellin' them to eff off isn't easy or kind and i think on the whole we all strive to be good people.

and you remember the good things, and how much you laugh and talk about random things when you're together....if you get manage to get in the same room. And then you feel bad for being frustrated.

It boils down to history. Someone who knew you when...or you knew them when. Lots of things have happened over the months and years and they hold significance to us. We dont' throw away things that have meaning.

However, i've decided tonight after watching a this all unfold for the 294th time. I'm out. i'm jumping ship. I will continue to love these people, and think of them fondly when i remember, but there is no longer anything compelling me to continue caring and being involved the way i am.

And the rocky stuff has been real rocky and i just don't know that i can maintain a relationship with someone who treats me as a plan c and has for the most part just been kind of a "taker."

The beautiful thing for me, though, is they're moving. So, our relationship will fizzle and i wont have to "sit down and talk" about this.

so thats good.

I am a part of a tribe of brave, beautiful women.

It takes a village to raise up a lost, lippy, rambunctious, smart 20-something...(that's me) and I'd like to tell you about some of the villagers....

I love my mama more than most things in life. She's an incredible woman from whom I've learned so much. As I get older, I realize more and more how great my mom is and how much she loves me. As i get older, i understand her so much more, and well...i don't know if i could love her more than I do...but i just appreciate the amount of sacrifice she's done for me to be who am i am and where i am today. And i understand her worry and stress and why when my world seems to be falling down, she gets all weepy and wants to kick everyone's ass.

That's an awesome kind of love. She's beautiful, my mom, but I don't think she knows it, and she's literally one of the strongest women i've ever known, but I dont' think she knows that either. She's been through a lot and then...there's the small task of raising, dealing with, and worrying about me.

now, i may look like a gem...but trust me, i've had YEARS of polishing, and i'm still rough around the edges. i'm trying, more now than ever before, to not make my mom completely crazy. Though, i'm not sure how well that's going.

My mom learned everything she knew from my Grandma who is literally my favorite person ever. She is the most kind hearted, Jesus loving, intelligent woman I know. she is the most family centered gracious person on the planet. She's tiny, and German and makes my heart flood with love. She was married to the same man for almost 60 years. She took care of him when he was an alcoholic and when he was suffering from dementia. Watching her care for my grandpa when he was sick showed me more about love, marriage and Jesus than most things in my life. Watching her grieve the loss of the man who knew all her secrets and said "til death do us part" absolutely broke my heart, and to this day is one of the most significant moments in my life.  She prays every day. She loves her daughters and taught them all the value of education and hard work. She sews things for me when they need mending. She  holds my hand in church and gives me the best hugs in the world. She always smells so good and at 85 is smart and quick as a whip. She (and my grandpa) often played double duty and loved me extra when my dad's side of the family decided i wasn't worth their time. She has never missed a birthday or valentines days or Easter of...whatever. She sends me cards just because and sometimes she'll slip a 20 in my pocket because she knows I'm broke and doesn't want to make a big deal out of it.

I admire her faith and her commitment to Jesus. she reads her Bible every day but she also loves shows like Criminal Minds, and the Golden Girls. She is seriously my favorite human. Typing this makes me weepy because the idea of her being gone will wreck me but when the time comes Heaven is just going to be that much sweeter. I hope she is proud of the woman i am becoming.

The women from whom i get my life's blood are beyond special and instrumental in my world, but they have to love me because i share chromosomes with them. It takes a special kind of person to love someone who doesn't share your DNA. Someone who you tell your stories to, even the not so great parts, because they just jump up into your heart.

I told about Lisa already. You already know that talking about her makes me weepy because I think she's that amazing. But for real. She's my main girl. She's like a sister/friend/sage advice giver.  She says that i could maybe be her but 10 years younger. Whoa, I can't even tell you how flattering that is. She's crazy smart, and a beauty and so strong and she's brave.

She gets in the trenches with people all the time. She does the hard work and doesn't even think twice about it. She takes a deep breath, and jumps in. Somehow knowing exactly what to say (or what not to) when to take action and when to wait. (i can't do any of that) Her heart bleeds for other people and that is beautiful. She tells me the truth about her insecurities and fears and the how her brain automatically goes to worse case scenario. Sometimes I wish she could see herself the way I see her because I think wouldn't be as hard on herself. She's been a roller coaster of ride with her husband (who is also one of my favorite people) and i admire her and them for their marriage and the people they are and were.  I can't even tell you how much I've learned from them.

She's about to go to Uganda on a mission trip with IJM to help widows. Umm. yeah. that's awesome. But Africa is scary. 10 days is a long time to be away from your family to help people you don't know and will probably never meet. She's crossing time zones, language and cultural barriers to love people the way Jesus does. That's brave if you ask me.

i'm not even kidding when i tell you who she is and how she lives her life is what i hope to be like...when i grow up...:) She just gets me in the best way.

Then there's Rita. Lovely Rita. She has quite the story. When she tells her story she says "i had a t-shirt that said 'sex, drugs, and rock and roll' when i was young and that was my motto" she says it every time.  She also references that she's a redhead and couldn't be tamed ( a la mylie cyrus). I love how predictable she is. I love how she loves yoga and red wine and cheese. That more often than not she'll tell you about journaling and fasting and holding things with an open hand. I raz her a lot about that but i love her so much.

When I moved to the cities, she was one of the first people who saw something in me that i didn't. She took me under her wing (for better or worse) and made me loved and accepted into a group of people who didn't know me from Adam...or Eve....she saw my potential to be a leader (maybe) and to work with kids  and to organized and started getting me involved. (most of the time against my better judgement). She loved me and kept trying to get to know me even when I tried really hard to make her go away.

She made me join a small group (hers) and introduced me to Jen Hatmaker and Lauren Winners and daily devos, and (good) red wine, and Ben kyle, and the cheeky monkey. She lets me process and take naps on her couch and claim one of their guest bedrooms as "my room." she can tell when my hearts starting to hurt and has taken me out of lunch/coffee/chai more than i can count. She lets me cry when i need to and swear when i need to. And sit in her backyard when i needed sanctuary.

Rita was my place of rest (and still is) before there was a Lisa. Lisa loves me and processes with me but doesn't shy away from asking hard questions to get to the root of whatever freak out I'm currently having. They keep me fed, and sane. So thankful for them.

Last, from out in left field, I'll tell you about RuthAnn Reynen. My AP Lang teacher. She was "the teacher" for me. I was super blessed to have super great teachers in my life, but RAR is my favorite. She is sassy and small and she taught me to love words and education. Before she was a teacher she joined the Peace Corps and has these amazing stories of meeting her husband and journaling in a Kenyan Sunset on the roof of her building. She's got great stories about New York (where she grew up) and the first time she read a JD Salinger book.  She pushed me the hardest and threatened to give me a C (and ruin my 4.0 FOR SHAME) . She taught me to fall in love with how language works, and the way poetry can roll off you tongue. She taught me to love Shakespeare, and Billy Collins and Arthur Miller and Dorothy Parker (my faves)  and Harper Lee. She taught me how important hard work is, why studying is important and that ideas can change the world.

she is the reason i wanted to become a teacher. i still see her when i go home to green bay. She calls me Nicole now, instead of Ms. Case, which i think is so strange.  I talk to her about all things life related. She is super interested and supportive of my love of youth ministry. She listens to me dream big dreams for the young people in this country. And asks me what i'm going to do to make them real. She spends half the year in crazy places like India or South America learning new languages, riding her motorcycle and taking in as much culture, art and history as possible. She encourages me to see the world and learn and do as much as I can because experience is our greatest teacher. Like for real. she says shit like that. She's like Mr. Keating  or something. (Dead Poets, people, watch it)

These are some of the women who make my life so much better. I could not pick better examples of women, mothers, wives, daughters, sisters....than these women.  My heart overflows.

This is long. and rambly, and you can probably understand why i shouldn't write late at night.

And this is mushy AF but it's all true and that's just who i am late at night. so...deal...or don't. Codependent no more, you know?

i will be still....

this song. Hillsong. I want to be like this...and i want to believe this is my core, but right now, i don't.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z3wwWFsSlNQ

If I'm being honest, and I'm trying harder to be real honest, I don't know how to be still. i don't know how to listen to God. I thought i did, but i don't think I'm doing it right. I think I'm missing signs or closing doors but i don't feel strongly about anything one way or the other.

I'm confused and a little lost and my heart just hurts a lot. I feel like it shouldn't. that i shouldn't let stupid things make me feel bad. That i need to be an adult and suck it up.

but i feel like a lot is happening and i don't know what to do with it and i want to cry a lot. i don't like feeling like i could just burst at any moment.

Shauna Neiqust writes this awesome essay about "prayer and yoga" and how she only prays when she's desperate and when she's got no other ideas and she makes her own paths or plans gets a false sense of control. and then everything falls a part and she hits her knees.

this is my life exactly.

I find myself hitting my knees a lot, but i dont' know if i'm praying for the right things or if i'm hearing....anything. and i'm pretty sure i need to reteach myself how to listen, how to be still, and to pray "thy will be done" and mean it.

Jonah.

The big question is am i jonah? If i am jonah...what am i running from?

Today has been cloudy. and I've been kind of sad. and i don't know why or how to fix it.

but sometimes i just listen to songs that make me cry...you know to open the flood gates so i can calm the fuck down....

bah.

and...apparently, i just dont go to church anymore.


so...Welcome to crazytown, i hope you've enjoyed you're stay....

Best friends for never....

I sometimes live in a my own head...quiet a bit,  actually. I tend to have pretty rose colored lenses and nostalgia comes to visit me a lot and all my memories are sepia toned with love. Forgetting the heartbreak, and the crazy and the hard stuff.

I've always had a best friend. My high school/middle school best friend's name is Laura and she is still very much a  huge part of my life though we tend to drop in and out the way that you'd expect for people who live in different states and have totally different lives. It's not the same, however, has having a best friend in the same city whom you see often. I've always just assumed my life would look similar to Friends or Sex and the City or even the Gilmore Girls.

Well, it doesn't look anything remotely close to that. And i find myself not having a best friend nor being anyone's best friend. I mean,  at least not anyone who is in the same life stage or similar circumstances.  There are people in my life who i love like family and who know me in really personally ways who are amazing, and I'm beyond thankful for them...so...it's not that I'm lacking community or love in anyway...in fact I'm probably overflowing with both of those things....

And, I'm probably too old to care about "best friends" but sometimes I miss Melissa a lot.

I miss not having to do a lot of explaining, someone who is the knower of the back story,  and can see through whatever bullshit story I'm telling so i don't have to feel whatever it is that I'm feeling. Who was always game for random adventures, and never having a plan (though that part made me crazy, i'd like at least an outline of a plan)  She pushed me out of my comfort zone and into my faith. She introduced me to all the people who grabbed my heart. We shared closets, and computers and cars....and....well....everything.

she was the sister I never had, and for the only child who just wanted to know what it was like to have siblings....that's a big deal.

We had big plans for the future. I couldn't imagine anyone else holding my flowers on my wedding day or being my kids god mother. have our husbands also be best friends. and we'd raise our kids together and they'd say things like "our moms have been friends forever and I've know you since before i was born."

and now, it's like i don't even remember what life was like when we were the inseparable best friends.

Of course I remember all the good, but there was plenty of disfunction that made everyone crazy, which we both contributed to. But, it wasn't all terrible. and she's actually a great human with an amazing heart...she's just been hurt and is learning how to be who she's becoming, and so am I.

 I guess, we couldn't become who we are right now, together. We had to take these paths alone. I'm sure to learn how stand on our own...co-dependent no more, for real, and to really figure out what we believed about God and people and family and life.

In case you're wondering, I've learned a lot. If you ever want to know those specifics, i'll be happy to fill you in.

Along with missing this person who was a huge part of my every day life for 7 years and i feel a lot of guilt for throwing her to the wolves...because I was hurt, and confused and talking too much, and never to the right people.  Looking back, I feel like I would have gone about things differently but i feel like my gut was right and my cause for concern was vaild.

So...long story...long? I ended up breaking both our hearts, and she walked away from a community who didn't love her well...and i thought i'd won the jackpot because they did love me well.

Well, it turns out that is not entirely true either. My heart hurts for a lot of different reason but the bottom line is that the people who i thought loved me well, never protected me or my heart the way they should have.

and i don't know what to do with that, which is another processesing session in itself.

Tonight, though, I know that my old roommate/best friend/soul sister is celebrating a one year anniversary with her boyfriend, who is totally great and who loves her well. And i'm watching it all happen from a semi-stalker-ish perspective....and i'm so happy for her but also really sad that i'm completly on the side lines. He'll never call me to ask what kind of ring to get her, or what her favorite whatever is....or to help plan a surprise date....and as selfish as it is...i think that sucks.

And i think if i had the option i would rather be her first phone call when something big happens, i'd like to spend sunday mornings talking about how much fun we had the night before. I want to know what its' really like to live with a boy. 

or maybe i dont because maybe that would mean i wouldn't have what i have now.

I dont' even know what I'm saything any more except that I miss her. I feel guilty because i didn't love her well, i didn't have her back and that doesn't look like Jesus.

so...that's that.

Today I met the boy i'm going to marry....

I want to get married in the fall. outside. probably barefoot. I want everyone  to come and wear whatever they want. I want them to eat really great food, and laugh and dance. Under outdoor twinkle lights and a sky that's full of stars.

I want to stand in the mirror and look at my dress with my mom and my grandma and some other important women in my life who have gone before me and have showed me how this motherhood, womanhood, wife thing is done.

I want there to be homemade signs, and vows, and i want to take a time to celebrate hugely important couples in our lives. I want my wedding to honor the community of people that has loved us up to this point. I want to celebrate the love God gives us.

I want us to hold hands and pray as a body that we will support each other especially when things get hard.

And I want to drive away in a car form the 40's, and I want people to tell funny stories, and i want to stand up with my new husband and give a speech gushing about all the people who love in the room and how thankful we are for every person.

I want my wedding to be small enough that i can hug every single person there and thank them for coming....and for loving me. and him. and us. I wanna dance with my dad and laugh a lot about how we never really thought this day would come. I wanna sit and chat with the non-dancers.

and twirl with the little girls in pretty dresses. and dance with my boys.

i just want it to be an outward reflection of the love I have for a boy and for all the people in my life, and how cool it is that God gave us people to love us and hang with us. I want this day to point to how amazing and loving our God is and less to how great of a couple we are.

I think now more than ever I am beginning to understand what marriage looks like. That it's hard work every day. That you wake up choosing to say "for better or worse" and there will be "for worse" and you'll want to slammed your head into a wall but love looks like choosing to say "we'll figure it out." and say "i love you more than ____fill in the blank" and there are also days where you barely see each other and you're too tired to talk and you just head nod and fall asleep....and even in those moments its knowing that it wont always be like that, and hopefully you continue to fall more in love with your person. and you still laugh with them more than anything else.

and i'm young...ish. and i am still a hopeless romantic. and I think that everything will be as magical.

but i reserve the right to be wrong, too.

and while we're on the subject....

I think about baby names a lot, which is ridiculous and weird but three girl names that i am diggin' currently are: Celia, Lucy, and Georgia.

I know. a state. really? It's just...pretty. kinda. I'd call her peach...ha. you see what i did there? but for real i would.

and if i had a boy, i'd probs go with: Malakai, Charlie, Luke, Jonah, Alex, and i really like Clark, Gus and Atticus but i would NEVER do that to a kid.

so three cheers for the future and nothing turning out like i planned. ever

life gets so crazy, livin' life gets hard to do....

I march the the beat of my own drum. I just do, and you can tell me a bajillion and one times what I'm in store for and lay out exactly what will happen. And I'll still do it my way, and that is frustrating for 100% of the people who love me, my parents especially.

I learn every lesson the hard way. I just do.

And sure, my heart's been broken a few more times than necessary. but I'm kind of thankful for it in a weird way because  i learn by doing. I'm very  a kinesthetic learner...and sometimes i even pull out my teacher language which is annoying for everyone....

Coming out the other side always leaves me with new eyes. New, less distorted, eyes. I think all you can ask for is to have eyes and perspective that gets less and less distorted with every experience.

What I'm learning, though, is that I, personally, don't do a very good job of "letting things go." there is always some residual hurt that creeps up on me at random times.

So, i know that I gotta get better at the forgiveness game. It's not in me to be mad for long, and really, I do just want people to be well and do good.

Everyone does have the right to a beautiful, successful life, so I need to start doing a better job of really wishing people well and not just faking it.

Because in the fake it til i make it game. I never make it.

So, how am i going to be authentically happy for people and wish people well who have hurt me? I'm not entirely sure, but we're about to find out together. So that's kind of fun.

I think it starts by seeing the good parts of people, and knowing that they have the best intentions, and knowing that there is just a lot of heaviness in the world that will try to break us, and we are all trying to do the best we can under the weight of all that's going on. Everyone's struggles are different, so i can't go around being a judgey pants..which is hard for me sometimes....ok...all the time.

I also need to keep in mind that there's probably more going on than i'm aware of, and that God will have a way to restore all that is jacked up...

So,  i'm going to try harder and give more people the benefit of the doubt and hope for the best.

"i'm smart. I have glasses so i can see good, and my nose gets sensitive when i smell bad things"

Today I want to tell you about a little tank of a 7 year old who has made his way into the large part of my heart.

His name is Nick. He looks like his daddy, has a heart like his mama and has blue eyes that will make you say yes to everything he asks. Unless it's something like going to the Mall of America because that place gives me high stress. Ain't nobody got time for all those people.

And...he'll just run up to you and give you a hug. And that makes my heart melt. Without knowing it, he makes my days better. all the time.

Anyway, I get to spend my summer days with him, and I'm counting myself pretty lucky. I get to read with him, swim in the pool, go to the park and the library, and eat Popsicles. The types of things you'd expect to do with a 7 year old. And it's pretty great because I get to see the world through his eyes.

The eyes of a 7 year old who loves stuffed animals, loves riding his bike and is nice to everyone and has the most contagious laugh you've ever heard. ever. like for real. He's funny. and sweet and so smart.

I feel like kids, in general, as the best way to know the heart of Jesus, but especially this kid.  I mean, obviously, he's got stellar parents who instill the right values in him, but I've literally never heard another 7 year old say. "I love you, Mom, but I love God the most."

He has the this amazing instinct to love this kids people who have a harder time than others. It's like he's wired to love people well. He's got a bleeding heart. He gets sad with me when we watch Dumbo and draws pictures for his mom and dad and grandma. And is nice to the kid who peed his pants when everyone else laughs. His best friend is this clumsy, messy, kind of space cadet of a kid that frustrates all the adults he comes in contact with, but Nick loves him like a brother and don't give no effs about how many times Timmy falls down or breaks something. There's just always this inherent grace...(which is probably giving him more credit than he'd developmentally ready for but)  he's just the best.

He made me a "special charm necklace" when he didn't even know me very well, and wanted to play all sorts of games with me and I just made room in my heart for him because I knew he'd be a permanent resident.

I can't wait to see the man he will become. I can't wait to see where his life takes him and what types of things will make his heart beat....I'm also real interested in how tall he'll be, and what type of girl he'll fall in love with.

I'm blessed by this little mister, and right now, I know that he doesn't see a ton of the brokenness in this world, and I pray that his heart is protected from that for as long as possible, and that his main job can continue to be being a kid and have fun. 

When I pray for him (and his family) I just pray for protection, and for time to move a little slower than normal so they can really enjoy every stage of life together. I know though, that when he does begin to see more the brokenness in the world, he'll be a first responder because that's how he's wired.  He will leave this place better than he found it, and I can't wait to watch the ways he'll make it happen.

I've been made increasingly aware lately that we use the word "love" a little too loosely. I don't love a lot of people the way I love this boy and his family.  I love them like they are a part of my family, and they are, in a sense, because there are other things that bond you together more than blood can or does.

yes. yes. yes.

"last year i was at my favorite bookstore. I went there because i was feeling sort of fragile and overwhelmed and one of the things that usually makes me feel better is a bookstore. I was looking through the cards, the ones that have quotes on the front and they're all big, inspirational "seize the day" type quotes from people like Eleanor Roosevelt. If you read them on a good day, you're like " I will Eleanor Roosevelt. I will change the world one tiny moment at a time."  But on kind of a cranky, bad day, you read them and you think, "Well, that's why you people are famous because you do wonderful inspirational things and all I do is try to get through the day without crying or losing my mind"


THIS IS MY LIFE EXACTLY.

* as if this couldn't be more perfect, this little gem of a story...essay....nugget of wisdom...from Shauna is about friendship.*

like for real, let's just get best friend necklaces and make up a hand shake already.

just a few thoughts...

This generation of young people is not going to all of a sudden know their worth or know Jesus simply by making profound-esque facebook statuses.

Nope. You know how this generation is going to learn that more is possible with them? It's not by lecturing them. It's not my being passive aggressive at them. it's not buy using social media as your primary platfrom

it's spending time with them. Telling the truth. Asking questions. listening. It's eating dinner with them. Buying them coffee, helping them with their homework. get to know them. find out what speaks to them.

Stop making plans. and DO the plans.

and be aware that they're kids, they are figuring out who they are. They're gonna be dumb. they're gonna talk back. they're going to make all the bad choices. It's their journey. If you're lucky, though, you've opened up communication lines enough that they'll process with you and they'll let you give you two cents or ten cents or they're let you go along for the ride.

You can't shield them form pain and consequences but they'll meet Jesus more when they see that you love them anyway and that more is possible for them.

nothing replaces that real life in person relationship...because when you're sitting in front of them...they can just scroll down, they can't hit ignore, they have to deal with you.

you say "rise up church" well....start the movement. love on some kids. in a way that's authentic.

These kids are going to know Jesus by what you DO not necessarily by what you say....because...they're kids...they listen to like....i don't know...45 percent of what we say.  they see you keep promises, making them a priority, telling them the truth, etc...then change will start to come.

So what i'm saying is, get out from beind your computer sceen and really start building those relationships and we can begin to make a dent....

i'm just saying....

on becoming family....

"they burrowed into one of the deepest parts of my life and my heart. They became something between friends and little siblings, and extensions of my younger selves. They became a central part of my world, my thoughts, my prayers. My schedule became more and more wrapped around their term papers and proms and problems and my home became more and more the safest landing spot for this strange, whirling little gypsy wagon of people"

yes. this. exactly. How i feel about Sam and Julia and Emma.

i don't know if anything could explain our relationship better, except they are my more my little sibs than anything else.

I can't see what's next and i got nothin' up my sleeve....

I go through phases with pretty much everything. Some are long, some are 3 days, but I get really into things and learn everything I can about it, totally OD on it, then move on to the next thing.

Some call it ADD, I call it being well rounded.

Patato. Pa-tah-to


Well, one of the phases I'm not so proud of lately, is this mopey anti-social phase. It's happening for a couple of reasons. 1. I'm broke. 2. my friends my own age are either married with kids or are not my biggest fans. 3. i kind of just want to always hang out with the A-team. They're  more fun than most things. There are no expectations other than just existing. 4. I feel like i just totally lack purpose.

It's unattractive. at best. The silver lining in this phrase (for the record, I still am real optimistic) is two fold.

1. I've been reading a lot, which does wonders for me. The introverted line i walk is completely content reading for hours and not talking to anyone. I've gotten really into Shauna Neiquist after i read Bread and Wine, and I'm convinced that she's my people. She writes about community and eating together and celebrating life together but also being there when shit gets real.

because man, shit gets really real sometimes.

And to be clear, i love community and spending time together. It's my love language for sure (since coffee isn't really and option). i think that's when God shows up the most. We understand love when people get us and love us well. I think we spend a lot of time trying to force people into community and we do weird things to each other that make it appear that we love each other well, when really it's kind of surface level, and not really authentic at all.

Which leads me to my number two...well, maybe 1.5...because it's all related. and i just like listing things...

1.5. It's impossible for me to look at my surrounding right now: Where am I , who I'm with, the future that's before me...and not agree that this is exactly what God intended. Because we could not have orchestrated this.

We're just not that smart. We're pretty good, but not that good. And you cant force falling in love with people. Either you click and it makes sense or it doesn't. You can be with people and like them just fine and see them and chat and grab coffee...but the real...unpolished...dirty clothes...unshowered... unmasked...good days and bad days...tears, fears and headbutting....that....you have really love each other to make work.

and its in those moments when you're frustrated and your hearts just on the table open, and vulnerable, when you just want to shut down, stop talking, and runaway, that you choose to stay, and talk and listen...because you know that you're not supposed to any of this life crap alone.

it's super hard, and sometimes you probably want to jump ship. but totally worth it.

2. So i think it's time to put mopey on the shelf.  And celebrate what is happening right now. This is a season. It's hard one but it's also a beautiful one. Lots of new things blooming. And in this space that i've found myself in, I know that I'm supposed to live radically.

But what  the h doest that mean exactly?

I want to love people well. I wan to serve our God by serving others. I want to live sacrificially, I want to give when it's hard to, and choose to love and forgive when it's easier to judge.

I want to help. (in a way that's healthy. Yeah, boundaries are a good thing) and i want to live out the gospel, with out having to use words, what i mean by that is i want my actions to speak louder than my words. I want to my life to mirror what I believe. I want to get out the way and let God do what he's gonna do through me. That's an incredibly high calling. God wants to use me for something...and it's something beautiful.

How can you NOT get excited about that?

I want to work with kids and i want them to understand how significant they are to this life.  I want sit shot-gun as they navigate these years and survive them, and become who they will be.

I want to tell them about Jesus how much more you can accomplish when you do the right thing, when you speak love and kindness and when you pitch in and help....instead of feeling like the world owes you something.

so...what kind of job is that? I dont' know. A non-profit? a Church? a school? I don't know, but i do know that i need to do something....someone told me that the other day and I can't get it out of my head.....that happens a lot when she talks...and i love it. and hate it. you know?

I've had the opportunity to be around when shit gets real for people. I've gotten to see what great love also comes with  sadness and tragedy, and it's broken my heart in a way that makes me understand the our God loves us so much that he gave us people.

and we are called to leave this world better and with more than than we found it.

so... let's bare some fruit. let's make a change  and jump in heart first and know that the plans that are about to unfold are better than we could ever imagine.

right?

love and other drugs....

This is a declaration of sorts:

Starting tomorrow I gonna start being intentional about praying for specific things. I want to spend more time trying to hear from God instead of walking around confused and frustrated. I can feel my frustration leading away from hanging out with Jesus instead of to him...which as it turns out, is a problem.

Here's the deal. I've never been a consistent journaler, i don't set aside time every day to actually sit down and make a space for prayer. I say a lot of prayers in my head daily, but i don't create a space.  Because life gets busy and i don't have that kind of dedication. I don't spend time reading my bible every day....and i have volunteered for anything in a long time.

Yet, I'm surprised when I don't feel super compelled or called to anything....I'm not paying attention and I'm not listening.

And I'm going to be real. This isn't going to happen every day. I'm gonna forget or just not want to do it. We're going to try for a couple times a week, and hope to get better as this continues.

baby steps on the the bus. Baby steps. *side note: I LOVE WHAT ABOUT BOB*

ahem...back to Jesus...

so here are my prayers.

1. Lisa (and the team of women) going to Uganda. For the trip, the preparation, the work they'll do, the work that'll be done in them. safety, health, etc.

2. My Kindalls and all the healing that needs to happen.

3. what Fall looks like for me (also, my furture, but remember, baby steps). Open doors to jobs that pay the bills and my heart....

4. whatever my journey with Gallery/Crossroads/random new church? looks like...and that everything happens with as little collateral damage as possible especially for my heart.

5. relationships that need mending/healing/whatever...

that seems overwhelming... but...we serve a big God.

and i need to serve more. because i'm not. and that's not ok.

1/4 of the A Team...

Sometimes you need to get weepy and thankful for your people. Today it's my Lisa.

and Yes, she's mine....so don't get any crazy ideas about stealing her, got it?

she is just my favorite. I love that's she got a story to tell. She's been through a shit ton. and it's nice to know that she's "been there" is so many ways and can speak to a million different situations and she does it without being pushy or overbearing (for the most part) ...which is a trait i still lack( for the most part) .

I love that she's humble and loves Jesus, but not like everyone else does. She spends her time loving and living like Jesus. Completely out of love and living sacrificially. Her heart beats for all the right things. If more people knew her, Christians would have a better name.

of course the second you tell her any of this she gets all introverted and will blow it off and tell you that she's a sinner and she's got a lot of work to do....

but don't we all. I love that she doesn't want or need attention, she does what she's called do and is obedient to it....even went it make her completely mental. Though, i also don't think she get the credit she deserves for all the crazy she does and deals with on the regular...

I love that she's sassy and no bullshit and all about truth...with not a lot of sugar...which takes some getting use to...but she'll tell it to you straight and she's rarely wrong. And somehow...when she's telling you all the things you don't want to hear you don't even get that mad because you know its coming form a place to love.

she's got real expressive eyes, though, so if she thinks you're full of shit, you're going to be able to tell. Which is literally one of my favorite traits....but, in case you're wondering, i'm full of shit a lot.

I mean I don't want you to think that she's all....i don't know....beth moore...weird....because she's not. She loves all the right things but she's real. She' swears, and laughs and loves trashy TV and all kinds of crazy music and pinterest and floating in the pool and making fancy drinks....and well...she's regular.

she's cooks and bakes like a pro...so...that's always a plus.  And i get to learn a lot from her about...life....relationships, motherhood, church life, marriage...i mean for real...she's a gem...

And i like that we can go from talking about real things to dumb stuff or sit in the same room saying nothing for a few hours...and just be.

And she's going to Uganda to hang with IJM and some widows this month and that's amazing and brave and so cool. I could go on forever, she's amazing, and i am just so blessed by her, her family and this season of life.

if my heart is going to  do any mending it's gonna happen here.

I don't know, that just seems like a really big deal you know? To find people you love like you're family and  feel the same about you?

i don't know that everyone gets to experience that. I think it makes Jesus really happy.

So, here's to 1/4 of my A-team. i'd be lost without her. and them.

It's normal, Darling, but i'd rather be natural......

In case you're wondering, and I know you are, I'm really into to all things Harper Lee and Truman  Capote related right now.  I'm getting a bit too into it as I'm now watching documentaries I've already seen and listening to the audio versions of To Kill a Mockingbird and In Cold Blood.

and really, In Cold Blood is just the best. Truman Capote goes all CSI before there was such a thing and it's based on a true story, which as long as i'm telling you how ridiculous i am, i've also been reading about. Small town murders really fascinate me.

and i can foresee myself watching/reading Breakfast at Tiffany's about 1000 more times and then going off on a Hepburn tangent which almost always leads to a Kennedy tangent.

and then i fall more in love with New York and desperately want to go there and then i plan a fake trip.

I have about 30 drafts of what i'd do in new york, all of them involve the library, and tiffany's and central park.

and cue a sex and the city and friends themed frenzy....

as you can see, it's very "if you give a mouse a cookie"

So there's that.

I'm getting more Boo Radley-esque by the second.

And while we're on the subject...if i have kids and i have a boy, his middle name will be Atticus.

or maybe i'll just get a dog and name him Atticus.

ok, so...you see how this is becoming a problem....

So, I get really into biographies and memories and short stories from real people (a la Shauna Niequest...obsessed with her stuff lately) and I get a pile of them going and don't surface to talk to people until i am bursting with random facts that no one but me cares about.

Unless you're Laura and nerdy like me. I miss her. She needs to become part of my real life again.

Well, I'm sleeping and just continuing to tell you embarrassing things about myself so I'll just stop and leave you with one of my fave Capote quotes....

The wind is us-- it gathers and remembers all our voices, then sends them talking and telling through the leaves and the fields.” 

seriously...i love words. how can you not? it's just exactly how my heart beats.