i had the best day with you....today.....

I want a life that sizzles and pops and makes me laugh out loud. And I don't want to get to the end, or to tomorrow, even, and realize that my life is a collection of meetings and pop cans and errands and receipts and dirty dishes. I want to eat cold tangerines and sing out loud in the car with the windows open and wear pink shoes and stay up all night laughing and paint my walls the exact color of the sky right now. I want to sleep hard on clean white sheets and throw parties and eat ripe tomatoes and read books so good they make me jump up and down, and I want my everyday to make God belly laugh, glad that he gave life to someone who loves the gift.


yes to everything in this....except the ripe tomataos. i hate tomatos.


today was perfect. #mypeoplearethebest.

Ok. I like lists. just in general. I like making them, crossing them off, helping people make them, countdowns, top 100's...i love them all. I have no idea why, except for maybe the fact that i walk the line of being "type a and type b" pretty hard but i feel that perhaps I stumble more on to the type a side.

and that, my friends, was a big old run on, but i don't care because it's the weekend.

But, who am i kidding, my whole life is a weekend right now and as we speak i am struggling to not spill my smores blizzard all over my face.

also, my face is real sunburned. I am a real live hottie currently and can't be tamed.

i digress. but really, what else is new. I've been pretty angsty lately, and not without good reason, but it can be a bit of a buzzkill. So instead of processing my life for the whole Internet to read. (haha just kidding....no one reads this....except for like randoms in Germany.....here's a list of things that i love, that make me happy, and that are just random....so...in no particular order.....

1. S'mores blizzards. I'm not even kidding...the combo of marshmallow and graham cracker....i can't even. so good.

2. my a-team. and calling them my "a-team" i don't even think they know i do that but i giggle about it a lot.
3. reading in the sun. It's just a good way to pass the time.

4. The book "bread and wine" seriously, though. i laughed, i cried, i want to cook and hang out with my faves all the time....i kind of do...minus the cooking part....

5. rita. she's my girl. and i feel like things with her are normal again.

6. long conversations about nothing and everything.

7. hugs.

8. Laughing.

9. Lisa reading our Nea girls facebook statuses. seriously. she is just my favorite ever. ever. ever.

10.  driveway beers. and how I'm going to force my Lisas into making that an actual thing.

11. The 12 little boys on the baseball team that i "help" with. I use the term "help" loosely. mostly, i just giggle about how cute they and how some of them can't say their r's.

12. Brad Paisley and Taylor Swift. i can't even tell you why and you can judge.....that is my jam right now

13.  the colors yellow and mint.

14. Anchors! and the color combo of blue, white, red and gold. again...couldn't tell you why. its just who i am.

15. flip flops

16. Nick. that boys has a real tight grip on my heart.

17. painting my nails with an accent nail....with when monkeys fly over it.

18. Thursday csa days. it's weird. whatever.

19. raspberries, white chocolate, caramel. 

20. coffee. diet coke. lime refreshers

21. making big plans

22.  The Heat.... .even though i haven't seen it yet

23. the New Yorker, JD Salinger, and Dorothy Parker

24. Trashy tv...that is reality or celeb gossip related.

25. Jen Hatmaker and Annie Downs...yes. i want to be best pals with both of them.

26. Babies.

27. My people.

28. being barefoot.

29. Hanging out with Jesus...we are getting back into a rhythm

30. rosewater lemonade.

31.  acoustic guitars and southern accents.

32. fireworks.

33. my family.

34.  Jack Kerouac

35. pinterest ideas

36. Wisconsin

37. Brats, Popsicles, cheese curds.

38. sundresses and skirts that twirl

39. things that are sparkly

40. candles.

41. the smells of summer: bonfires. coconut, lime, suntan lotion, sea salt, freshly cut grass, grills, the smell after it rains.


i think that's enough for now, you get the idea, i walk a weird line of grown up/kid and white trashy/normal.

it is just who i am. don't judge me.

Caught in the middle of in and out of love....

sometimes i feel really lost. like I'm just kinda floating from one place to the other with no destination in mind, really.

and OK. I'm a little bit crazy about relationships and community. And, as long as I'm being honest, i' like being a favorite. The favorite, really. The Best of the best friends. So when i don't have that or when i don't feel like that....i kind of get all anxious.

So, i guess my fall from my self-perceived pedestal has happened. I'm no longer the favorite and I'm no longer anyone's best friend....and i don't have siblings...so....i feel super un-affirmed

anyway, the crazier thing....if there can be one...is that I'm surrounded by people who love in the best way you can love someone. love in the truest sense of the word....and sometimes....that's just not enough

so...what in the world do you do with that.

what are we even doing.....

"these are things I can't change. Not one of them. Can't fix, can't heal, can't put the broken pieces back together. But what i can do is offer myself, wholehearted and present, to walk with the people i love through the fear and the mess. That's all any of us can do. That's what we're here for."

my people.

They are collection of temperaments and ideas.
A tangled mess of history and of six degrees of somebody.
They are my mirrors, my yesterdays.
They are my reminders.
They are my friends, and family.
my tribe of weirdos
My sounding boards, cheerleaders and truth sayers.

They are the reality to my dream world
the yeses to my nos.
my biggest protectors and encourager's

they keep me fed with food and ideas.

we dream together. we cry together
and we laugh. which is my favorite part.

they are my tangible reminder of what love is.
and what Jesus looks like.

my quiet constants.
For whatever reason they've made space for me
in their lives and hearts.
This group of people from all corners of my life.

and without each of them, my life would be way less fun
and festive and intense and beautiful.

and i need to say "thank you" more
and "i love you"

because not everyone has what i do.
and it's rare and beautiful.

I don't ever want to forget that
So, I send up a prayer of thanks and one of protection.

because without them, there is less of me.
I'm gonna stay up late, and kill more bottles of wine.
and make more just because phone calls.

Because tomorrow looks different and life gets crazy.

and my people, they're worth all the trouble.

Someday, Someday, Maybe

I sit in a strange space.

On one hand I'm a dreamer. A big one. I dream about making impacts on the lives of the people in my life. I dream about changing communities for the better. I dream about living in a community where kids are valued and loved and are aware of how special they are. I dream about being more like Jesus. I dream of having a job where i get paid to show/tell/do Jesus like stuff.

and i dream about being Carrie Bradshaw with a little less sex and smoking, and being a greeting card writer, and naming nail polish, and picking out songs for movies and tv shows.

and i dream about weddings and babies, and having friendships that people write books about, and a family that is solid and strong.

I have a lot of dreams. and some of them are really quite strange.

On the other hand, though, I'm a do-er. A gap filler, a problem solver.

Where there is a need that I can fill, I try really hard to be the person that fills it. This sometimes gets me into trouble because i let these kinds of things drain me....to the point where I'm running on fumes (that is completely Rita metaphor, but i love her extra lately, so I'm good with it)

Right now, I've got this strange identity crisis. It's like I've forgotten what i can do and where my heart beats. It's like I'm not good at what i feel so called to.

it's all lies, but i don't know how to get past it. I feel like will die on this hill, and I'll do it to myself.

There is something so annoying and tragic about low self esteem.

Anyway, with all the self-doubt i fight on a daily basis, there are few things that have been really good for my heart.

1. books. I get lost in characters and stories and words. Especially if I can relate. I've wanted a book to speak to me for a while. I wanted a reason to fall in love with all the things I love again. I expected to be a Jesus book. Well, it wasn't. it was a stupid fictional book bought totally on the fact that i love the Gilmore Girls a ridiculous amount and I think Lauren Graham is the just the best.

Well, 340 pages, some Salinger references (i mean, I love that man) and some quirkiness later. I totally get Franny. And somehow I feel less crappy about being lost in my 20s because she is too.

2. people. Specific people. I spend my days with people who are way younger than I am or older, which, can be a bit....draining. But in doing so, I understand the need to keep a sense of humor about you as well as see the light at the end of the tunnel. Your 20's eventually end, and you eventually figure enough out to function and not totally lose your mind.

and when you do lose your mind, there are people to come home to that remind you that you will make it out of your 20s alive, and some things get easier.  But this time is a struggle, and it should be because life is a ride.  There should be twists and turns and new things and hard things. And you should look in the mirror and see parts of yourself but also the evolution of the person you're becoming.

You're always becoming.

There is a short story by Sandra Cisneros called "Eleven" and it's my favorite short story of all time. it's a reminder that we may be 11, but were all the ages before that too...

always becoming.

and there's something beautiful and hopeful about that.

I think that in feeling a lot of things at once, I feel nothing. It's almost like all the feelings have canceled each other out and i'm just....here.

And i think my sense of direction must be a little off because as of late all roads lead to dead ends.

so, maybe I  need a new map. 

And if I'm being honest, I'm a little dramatic because I feel like i'm being phased out of something that is a huge part of me. and my feelings are hurt. and i'm being a baby about it.

So. i'm not sure. about anything really. and that's the best i can do for now.

And seeking wise council doesn't seem to be working. 

and well, praying about it has gotten me no where.

so that's fun. and frustrtaing.

and i'm sad. and i don't like being sad.

so there's that.

ok. i give in.

What exactly am I supposed to learn, or who am i supposed to meet, or how am i supposed to change in order to be able to pass Go.

I mean, really, i'm asking for real.

and i'm not sure if you hear my question but it hasn't changed and i still don't have an answer. Now suddenly, i feel my foundation shakin' like it's all gonna bust a part.

or maybe that's the point.

i don't know if i'm ready to say goodbye yet, but i'm not sure i'm willing to sit around, either.

i would like a road map or a hint.

how many gold coins do i need to unlock that?

I keep asking and i feel like you keep saying "not yet" and i dont' know what that means or why.

am i hearing you right?

I'm not seeing these big plans you got for me but i'm not convinced that this is it.

and i dont know how else to adjust my eyes to see them.

so help.

amen.

i watched superman walk away

I want to take a break from my normal melodrama to talk about someone super important to me: My dad.

Right now, it's Father's Day, and it's storming, and all of this is real fitting because my dad and I used to crawl up onto my parents bed, roll up the blinds and watch the storms rolls through. Sometimes, we would get real risky (and a little white trashy) and watch them from the comfort of a lawn chair and an open garage door. Safety wasn't a huge priority when it came to seeing huge bolts of lightning and then counting til we heard thunder to see how far away the storm was.

It is one of my favorite things we used to do together, I absolutely remember the smell of rain and the quick change in temperature. I've never been afraid of storms because i associate with my dad, who is my own personal Superman. I remember being SO in awe that nothing seemed to scare him. ever.

Today, it's storming in Minnesota and my dad is in Green Bay. And today I'm missing him a little bit more than normal because he just makes my life better.

Today, I called my dad. We talked about the rain and every day things and I'm just so thankful that I have a dad I can call just to talk to, who will answer the phone and spend 45 minutes shooting the shit. And really, i feel my own personal storm brewing, and i needed something to watch it roll in with.

I'm thankful that he taught me how to love sports, change a tire, and do yard work all while telling me that i could do whatever i wanted when i grew up and that i was just the prettiest little girl ever.  So thankful that he worked a hard job but never brought it home with him, who still found time to coach all my things and come to all the shows, plays and concerts. Thankful he taught me how to love action movies and crime shows and the x files.

My dad is not perfect, in fact, i learned that he's not perfect at a very early age but I know that he loves me more than anyone else. i know that I've made him crazy and mad and he literally doesn't understand what I'm thinking half the time, but i know that at the end of the day, i can always come home.

So tonight, I'm super thankful for the love of a father. Thankful that I never had to find that love and acceptance elsewhere.

So here's to the guy who has taught me how to love other people well, to be generous and kind, who taught me how to throw a ball, and to golf and how to drive and put lights on a Christmas tree, and to play cribbage (and get good enough to beat him). To the guy who wanted to teach me how to love to cook (i'm workin' on it)  but also how to read a map, and to put family first, and to not hold grudges.

Here's to you, Dad, my real life super hero. Thank you for loving me and always telling me you're proud of me.

I hope that I'm turning into all you hoped I'd be.

I  may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be.

right?!

Warning:

Everything is changing.

whoa. hold on to your hats

and your hearts

because the ride is going to be bumpy as fuck.