I miss what used to be. I can't help but reminisce.
The way it used to be, is almost never as magical as you think it is. Still, there an innocence and simplicity of "used the be" that always makes you long for it. Wanting to chase it like a balloon floating into the sky. Thinking if i could only grab the string i could hold on to that happiness a little bit longer.
What we rarely realize is "used to be" is just like "now" with slightly different circumstances. We still cry, and hurt, and laugh and dance, but all in a different scene and to a different tune. And, in a short while, we'll be longing for now, and thinking about how lovely it was.
Times change. People change. Places change, yet, my heart feels the same, but my brain keeps telling it to be something different. Be more mature. Be an adult. Get on board with this age thing. Times a wastin'. We aren't getting any younger.
Of course, my heart doesn't listen. It's hanging out on display for all the world to see. It's messy and scared and full and beats with a love that is unrelenting. What does the world see while my heart is on display? A girl who has nothing under control or figured out or nailed down, yet she has a deep desire to love furiously, heal brokenness, and live a life that Jesus can delight in.
Sometimes the scary things get the best of me. Especially when I live for worldly things like being liked, and being needed. Sometime the devil fills my head with lies until i start to believe them. I believe the ugly lies that people always leave, that I'm only good enough for now, that i wont ever figure it out. That ruins everything. I am not me when these lies fill my head.
These lies fester and seep into to everything. It makes me question people. always. People who have done nothing but love, and take care of me, and try to get my head and heart to agree that i am worth all the trouble.
I know God hears me best when i'm on my knees. So here i sit, on my knees with nothing to offer but a heart that beats for a deep faith and desire to be who I am supposed to be. I pray that I have the ability to love without limits, to forgive. To forget, to give grace as freely as i get it.
Sometimes my heart breaks, but i know it's just to understand new truths. I know that hurt means healing, and a scar however small means survival and I've been carried through with strength not my own.
Monday, October 31, 2011
Sunday, October 23, 2011
Sacred....,
It wasn't planned: this sacred place.
but it' all started the day everyone went crazy. Somehow, wandering through our days wondering how in the world we'd manage to figure all it out. We found our place.
Stumbled into it, really. We're a clumsy lot. Not really sure how to navigate through our days with much grace and poise. Our fumbling and tripping lead right to our place.
Stumbled into it, really. We're a clumsy lot. Not really sure how to navigate through our days with much grace and poise. Our fumbling and tripping lead right to our place.
It's our "what am I going to do" place, our " I can't believe that happened" place, our " I'm so excited i could burst" place, it's our " let's get our crappy pop music on, and sing " place. It's our "this doesn't leave the car" place.
It's safe place. A warm place. even in the summer. . It keeps our secrets, laughs with us, cries with us, is mad with us. Is along for a ride. It gets us where we need to go.
some of my best memories are in this place. The long drives, the long talks, the endless stream of songs that drip with nostalgia. Lots of laughing and just as much yelling.
It's about spending time there until you feel like yourself again.
It's about getting your keys stuck on a ledge and improvising.
It's about getting the space you need, and being with the people you love.
Somehow we get in, turn the radio way up, and we're good.
It's not much. In fact it looks pretty shabby, and makes funny noises all the time, and the air doesn't work, and there are a few broken knobs but it's been there for the best and worst of times, and it's bonded us in a way nothing else could.
some of my best memories are in this place. The long drives, the long talks, the endless stream of songs that drip with nostalgia. Lots of laughing and just as much yelling.
It's about spending time there until you feel like yourself again.
It's about getting your keys stuck on a ledge and improvising.
It's about getting the space you need, and being with the people you love.
Somehow we get in, turn the radio way up, and we're good.
It's not much. In fact it looks pretty shabby, and makes funny noises all the time, and the air doesn't work, and there are a few broken knobs but it's been there for the best and worst of times, and it's bonded us in a way nothing else could.
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Tell me all your thoughts on God.
There are things in my life that, when I don't fight them, or when I don't think I know everything, make a lot of sense.
Moving to St. Paul, for example, just made sense. To everyone else that's not me, or God, it probably didn't. In fact, i'm pretty sure my whole family thought I have flipped my lid. But there was the feeling in the pit of my stomach that i couldn't shake until i told everyone that i was moving. Then after i was like "hey, no big, i'm just gonna move my whole life to this place where i know 2 people", came this weird peace.
Living with my best friend just made sense. Being involved in things/and a church that try to better the world, just made sense. Getting to know people who seem to keep popping up in my life. Made sense. Wearing a lot of cardigans and liking coffee, just make sense to me. Most importantly, though:
Jesus has always just made sense to me.
Sure, I've had my days of "where are you?" and "this really seems a little crazy" but when shit gets real, the first thing i do is turn to God. Without a second thought. It's a part of my life that i never used to share with people, but it's always been there. This invisible support beam on which I laid/lay everything.
I've decided that I'm pretty sure that's how it's supposed to be. When things just make sense, it's God, just doin' his thing. Sure, it's sometimes scary, and sure sometimes I really don't see any logic behind it, but in the back of my head I know it's what I'm supposed to do. Sometimes, I fight it, then I get all confused and lost and I cry.....because let's face it, I cry a lot. Then i get all "God, tell me what to do!" and he's like "I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO. YOU CRAZY" (but in a loving Jesus-like way) I feel like sometimes when God is trying to deal with me, he uses a lot of hand guestures, and I am almost postive he would like to shake me.
So, what does any of this mean? Well, i'm not sure, exactly. Only that i've been thinking a lot about how i got to this moment in my life, and I can pinpoint specific people and events in my life that are a. increidbly importnat and b. i can remember the feeling of "Duh, Nicole"
And when I follow those feelings everything works out. It's not always the smoothest ride, in fact, a lot of times, i feel like I'm on the Crazy Train Express, but there is this feeling of peace even in the midst of all the uncertainty that reminds me of what I am made to do.
And there are times, when I think I got everything under control that God uses the most unlikely peopel to tell me things i would never listen to otherwise.
Prophetic visions, what? :)
Then I listen, and I pray. I am so thankful that God loves me so much that he actively pursues my heart even when I get to be a little diva and am like "Don't even worry, I got this" when i clearly don't. That he uses people to tell me the truth and remind me of His truth, even when I don't want to listen. I am thankful for Grace that abounds. This kind of love is kinda crazy, kind of overwhelming, but makes EVERYTHING I do worth it.
So, when people see me....do they see Jesus? Well, probably not all the time, but it's something that i aspire to. My faith/relationship with God is no longer something that is just mine. It's not something that i keep a secret for fear of offending people, becuase i dont' think there is anything offensive about Love, Grace, Mercy and Justice. There is nothing offensive about Jesus. There is nothing weak about having a Strong Faith. There is nothing silly about doing what I an called to do.
And that just makes sense.
Moving to St. Paul, for example, just made sense. To everyone else that's not me, or God, it probably didn't. In fact, i'm pretty sure my whole family thought I have flipped my lid. But there was the feeling in the pit of my stomach that i couldn't shake until i told everyone that i was moving. Then after i was like "hey, no big, i'm just gonna move my whole life to this place where i know 2 people", came this weird peace.
Living with my best friend just made sense. Being involved in things/and a church that try to better the world, just made sense. Getting to know people who seem to keep popping up in my life. Made sense. Wearing a lot of cardigans and liking coffee, just make sense to me. Most importantly, though:
Jesus has always just made sense to me.
Sure, I've had my days of "where are you?" and "this really seems a little crazy" but when shit gets real, the first thing i do is turn to God. Without a second thought. It's a part of my life that i never used to share with people, but it's always been there. This invisible support beam on which I laid/lay everything.
I've decided that I'm pretty sure that's how it's supposed to be. When things just make sense, it's God, just doin' his thing. Sure, it's sometimes scary, and sure sometimes I really don't see any logic behind it, but in the back of my head I know it's what I'm supposed to do. Sometimes, I fight it, then I get all confused and lost and I cry.....because let's face it, I cry a lot. Then i get all "God, tell me what to do!" and he's like "I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO. YOU CRAZY" (but in a loving Jesus-like way) I feel like sometimes when God is trying to deal with me, he uses a lot of hand guestures, and I am almost postive he would like to shake me.
So, what does any of this mean? Well, i'm not sure, exactly. Only that i've been thinking a lot about how i got to this moment in my life, and I can pinpoint specific people and events in my life that are a. increidbly importnat and b. i can remember the feeling of "Duh, Nicole"
And when I follow those feelings everything works out. It's not always the smoothest ride, in fact, a lot of times, i feel like I'm on the Crazy Train Express, but there is this feeling of peace even in the midst of all the uncertainty that reminds me of what I am made to do.
And there are times, when I think I got everything under control that God uses the most unlikely peopel to tell me things i would never listen to otherwise.
Prophetic visions, what? :)
Then I listen, and I pray. I am so thankful that God loves me so much that he actively pursues my heart even when I get to be a little diva and am like "Don't even worry, I got this" when i clearly don't. That he uses people to tell me the truth and remind me of His truth, even when I don't want to listen. I am thankful for Grace that abounds. This kind of love is kinda crazy, kind of overwhelming, but makes EVERYTHING I do worth it.
So, when people see me....do they see Jesus? Well, probably not all the time, but it's something that i aspire to. My faith/relationship with God is no longer something that is just mine. It's not something that i keep a secret for fear of offending people, becuase i dont' think there is anything offensive about Love, Grace, Mercy and Justice. There is nothing offensive about Jesus. There is nothing weak about having a Strong Faith. There is nothing silly about doing what I an called to do.
And that just makes sense.
Friday, October 14, 2011
AT least it's the first day of the rest of my life.....
Alright, kids, listen. This is going to be my "birthday" post, and to be honest, i have no idea what that even means.
I feel 27 is worth reflecting on. Now, granted my 27 years have been pretty limited when compared a lot of people, so if you came here looking for anything profound you're probably not going to find it.. Still, i will pretend to bestow my wisdom like the Dali Lama, so sit at my feet, and enjoy the ride.
One of my friends said to me recently, " You know why i love you so much?"
a strange question, no doubt. Especially since she asked while i was laying in her bed doing nothing while she was doing real work. If i were her, i wouldn't have loved me right at the moment.....BUT.... I took her bait. and said "Because you can borrow my clothes? " Obviously, unable to actually have a serious conversation.
After calling me the devil, she said, "because at first you look at calm and put together but after spending like a minute with you, i realized you're just as crazy as the rest of us"
That's my Katie, dropping a whole lot of truth on me while still being crazy and screaming out window at barking dogs, sorting papers, and folding clothes and making me laugh so hard i almost pee. This is a rare, and it's why i'm so so so thankful for her.
And she's right. If there is one thing I've taken to heart in the past couple of years it's that. I am little crazy. I'm little passive aggressive, my feelings get hurt more easily then most, i'm CLUMSY and i have a hole heap of insecurities. I'm a lot of other things too, good things. Like, clean, for example. i'm clean.
Just like everyone else.
Well, shit. It's actually the most beautiful thing in the entire world because THAT is what makes me my very own brand of Crazy. It teaches me a lot, and in 27 years this is what i know.
1. I am nothing with out God. I love Jesus more than anything and that love is the REASON i do anything and everything.
2. I the opposite of perfect. I am still judgmental, and whiney, and petty, and sassy....i have a long way to go, but i'm learning.
3. Relationships matter. SO much. In fact, there are the most important thing. To me, anyway.
4. I am doing what makes me happy, and it really doesn't matter if i get paid for it or not.
5. I have a servant's heart. I just want to help, and to love.
6. For everything there is a season. That's ok. (as much as i HATE when people talk about seasons, it's true)
7. Everything has a resolution. even if it's not what i want it to be.
8. Fall is my favorite season.
9. My best friends are the most amazing people in the entire world and i am so thankful for them
10. I will never be the kind of girl that spends a long time getting ready and staring in the mirror. I like flip flops and dresses, and jeans, and flats and skirts that twirl. I don't know that i would make a good corporate wife.
11. I get flustered when i have to call people i don't know
12. good songs, movies and books make me cry.
13. I cry about once a week about good and bad things, and i need that to happen.
14. I have changed a lot in the last couple of years/ mostly, for the better
15. I still believe in happily ever after
16. i sing so loud when i'm alone in the car, i sometimes annoy myself.
17. I need affirmation.
18. i've found myself in the middle of this beautiful, amazing, dynamic community and i do no want to be anywhere else
19. I want to save the world. and i will. Damn it.
20. I cuss all the time.
21. I hate vacuuming/
22. I love red wine.
23. I am bad at good byes.
24. I allergic to most nature, but freakin' love farmers market flowers
25. it's ok that my dreams are anyone else's.
26. Home is where your heart is, and my heart is in a lot of places
27. I'm bad at getting older, but really good at stayin' alive.
so, i don't know anything that will change the world, or my life really. I do know, that this is the happiest i've been a long, long time. I have a perma-grin and an uncontainable laugh. I know it's because Jesus has my back and i'm livin' for the who makes the moon reflect the sun.....ha. But for real, yo'. The lord provides/
So on wednesday, though i wont be with the people who created me, i will be surrounded by people who love me SOOOO well, and whom i love with my entire heart and then some. That's really all you can ask on your birthday.
10. I will never be the kind of girl that spends a long time getting ready and staring in the mirror. I like flip flops and dresses, and jeans, and flats and skirts that twirl. I don't know that i would make a good corporate wife.
11. I get flustered when i have to call people i don't know
12. good songs, movies and books make me cry.
13. I cry about once a week about good and bad things, and i need that to happen.
14. I have changed a lot in the last couple of years/ mostly, for the better
15. I still believe in happily ever after
16. i sing so loud when i'm alone in the car, i sometimes annoy myself.
17. I need affirmation.
18. i've found myself in the middle of this beautiful, amazing, dynamic community and i do no want to be anywhere else
19. I want to save the world. and i will. Damn it.
20. I cuss all the time.
21. I hate vacuuming/
22. I love red wine.
23. I am bad at good byes.
24. I allergic to most nature, but freakin' love farmers market flowers
25. it's ok that my dreams are anyone else's.
26. Home is where your heart is, and my heart is in a lot of places
27. I'm bad at getting older, but really good at stayin' alive.
so, i don't know anything that will change the world, or my life really. I do know, that this is the happiest i've been a long, long time. I have a perma-grin and an uncontainable laugh. I know it's because Jesus has my back and i'm livin' for the who makes the moon reflect the sun.....ha. But for real, yo'. The lord provides/
So on wednesday, though i wont be with the people who created me, i will be surrounded by people who love me SOOOO well, and whom i love with my entire heart and then some. That's really all you can ask on your birthday.
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
smile, and hope that we can always be this happy.....
Fall brings out the best in me, and i suppose sometimes, the worst.
Mostly, i just love everything right now. The weather, the leaves, the feeling that fall brings. So much beautiful nostalgia i can hardly contain myself.
I love everyone. All the time. My meal group is gonna be rad. Rita is going to kick my ass. I'm so jazzed. I am realizing how much potential i have to do truly great things. Everything feels so possible. EVERYTHING.
I'm especially thankful for all the people in my life that truly love me. seriously. there is nothing like spending the day sorting out clothes, laughing, and talking about nothing to feel like everything is just as it should be.
then watching bridesmaids for the 93rd time, and remembering how glad I am that i have a best friend, and even when she makes me crazy there is no one else in the world who knows me better and can speak to me heart the way only she can.
and somehow everything is just ok because nothing is as bad as it seems and the people that are meant to be around somehow make it work.
And then we go watch snl with one of my favoirte people because being with him makes the world better. and no matter how much everything seems to be dumb, he somehow makes it all better.
always.
and then wego have a sleep over like wer are 11 and laugh, and cry and have the un-necessarily deep moment where we're just really glad everything has worked out.
Then we go to church and feel really loved. and Worship Jesus because nothing works with out him and he's totally got our back and he's brought all these people together to be like him and change the world.
Then we go home lay on the couch, take personality test, eat cookies, and watch the devil wears prada and love every second of this weekend even though we haven't done anything producive.
Here's to an awesome week!
Mostly, i just love everything right now. The weather, the leaves, the feeling that fall brings. So much beautiful nostalgia i can hardly contain myself.
I love everyone. All the time. My meal group is gonna be rad. Rita is going to kick my ass. I'm so jazzed. I am realizing how much potential i have to do truly great things. Everything feels so possible. EVERYTHING.
I'm especially thankful for all the people in my life that truly love me. seriously. there is nothing like spending the day sorting out clothes, laughing, and talking about nothing to feel like everything is just as it should be.
then watching bridesmaids for the 93rd time, and remembering how glad I am that i have a best friend, and even when she makes me crazy there is no one else in the world who knows me better and can speak to me heart the way only she can.
and somehow everything is just ok because nothing is as bad as it seems and the people that are meant to be around somehow make it work.
And then we go watch snl with one of my favoirte people because being with him makes the world better. and no matter how much everything seems to be dumb, he somehow makes it all better.
always.
and then wego have a sleep over like wer are 11 and laugh, and cry and have the un-necessarily deep moment where we're just really glad everything has worked out.
Then we go to church and feel really loved. and Worship Jesus because nothing works with out him and he's totally got our back and he's brought all these people together to be like him and change the world.
Then we go home lay on the couch, take personality test, eat cookies, and watch the devil wears prada and love every second of this weekend even though we haven't done anything producive.
Here's to an awesome week!
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