It feels like years since it's been here......

There are rare times in your life when you have the opportunity to say exactly what you need to say to the exact people who need to hear it.

There are similar moments where you get to feel exactly what you need to feel the moment that it's happening.

Today, I sat in a room of people whom have been my people in one capacity or another. People who i've worked with, served with, prayed with. People whom I've learned to love fiercely and unconditionally.

For the first time in a long time, it felt like home. Not like a now home, but like an attic full of all the thing you keep to remember. The smells, and the sounds, all so familiar and welcomed.

The hugs from people whom you haven't seen in awhile, the hugs that feel real and some, that linger a little longer because time has made you forget just how significant this place is.

Today, i sat in a room that has raised me up, a room that has help write my story, a room where I laughed and cried and belonged.

And i remembered that if it weren't for this space and some of these people, i would not be who i am. the time spent here was not wasted. It was not in vain. It showed me so much truth, the sweet ways you want to learn about things safe and protected, and the hard way, the way that makes you feel like you can't catch your breath. The kind of way that socks you in the gut and cuts you.

I hugged people, i apologized to people, i said the kind of truth that makes your voice shaky, and your heart beat fast.

And God was present and people were the people i remembered. And the ice that i packed around my heart melted a little. I started to just feel enormous amounts of gratitude.

I'm so grateful of the the opportunity to be in this place to learn from these people, to grow, to make a lot of mistakes, and to learn from them.

To learn how to fast and pray and serve for the right reason. How to love people well. how to have boundaries, (the hard way), how to take care of yourself, (the hard way).

my heart is tender today, it's full, and it's beating hard. A little from the large amount of caffeine i've consumed (also a little weepy) but in large part to the fact that i have decided to let go of the shit that has kept me at arms length from people.  The things that have kept me from moving forward, from figuring out how to change alongside people who are also changing.  and for it to be okay.


There are lots of things i still need to work out, like currently, how to not feel like you're drifting away from people. how they're moving on at a pace you're not....or how to articulate that appropriately.

But for today, I've done a lot of things that have been a long time coming, and they weren't as scary and weird as i thought they'd be. Turns our people still love me, and sometimes it's real nice to be reminded about that.

The thing is, so often when i thought i was standing still, God was propelling me forward, for better or worse, sometimes i thrash against the current and sometimes i wouldn't.

Either way, here i sit, so thankful for this life, and the people in it, and the way that forgiveness and restoration feels.

I thank God for all those answered prayers.

Dear Gallery, 

This weekend will be a bit of a homecoming juxtaposed with goodbye. 

I kind of grew up...again..more...inside the city lines of St. Paul and inside the walls of stepping stone. I didn't choose this, I think it chose me. For as much as i tried to fight it, i couldn't, and here we are, 6 years later, trying to  find the words to express how this place and it's people have shaped me, loved me, hurt me, and kept me afloat. 

Among other things, you've given me people to love, prayers to pray, things to fight for. Most importantly, you've given me Jesus. 

A Jesus that is real, with a heart beat of people and making the world better. You've given me a Jesus who is LOVE, a Jesus who sometimes i don't understand, who doesn't always seem near, but is ever faithful. 

You've affirmed me, you've broken my heart, you've taught about community, and addiction and sacrifice and faith and being bold. 


My sweet little apartment, the one with the crooked floors, furnished by eclectic hand-me downs held meetings, and parties and prayer sessions that changed me, the made me believe. That were the corner stone of my faith. 

And Brad and Rita? They reminded me of who i was, and what i was good at and that i had a purpose and that i was so very loved. 


I had my share of confusion and breaking points and shit losing sessions. I moved my broken heart into a lanky apartment, and completly lost my mind, i ran out of gas, i ran out of time, i almost ran out of faith....

But God is faithful, and he told me to go, and so i went....I learned a lot of about obedience...and i found family. I found purpose again, i found...Jesus....who was there the whole time but covered up by lots of debris. 

So, sweet, little Church, tomorrow, i will climb you steps again. I will find myself putting on that old coat, seeing old friends, feeling that familiar feeling of home and community. 

And it will be so happy, and sad. This story is written on the inside of my heart like rings on a tree. For a time in this space we were exactly what we needed to be and it was beautiful. I laughed a lot. I drank a lot of coffee and used so many post it notes. I've climbed those steps and sorted those bins and ran those slides with my eyes closed. I loved a lot of it. 

I have cried inside Coffee News, over chai, on more than occasion. I've eaten enough Pizza Luce and Bread and Chocolate to last a life time, (and you'd always order my favorites because that how you were). 

I grew up here. It was wild and messy and full of feelings. I loved it and i hated it. It was hard and so easy at times. 

I'm still sorting it out, but i'm so thankful for the time i spent in these walls. Our stories tucked up into the rafters, as it prepares to tell a new story. 

I'm forever grateful for my time here. 

In heartache and hope, i swear I'll say, Amen. 

Bind my wandering heart to thee...

Last Sunday I had one of those "openly weeping in church" moments.

They are...well, they are a whole thing. (Side note: my 9th graders make fun of me for using the term "it's a whole thing" excessively.)

I bust out into tears during "come thou fount" because obviously.

It was such a reminder that God is so faithful. He has truly seen us through a winter of our discontent and now....well, now things are starting to happen, the walls are coming down, and things are blossoming.

and honestly, to stand next to the person who's weather the storm with you and for you and along side you...it's just a lot of  feels.

God is so cool and this time we're in now is so sweet, and there needs to be way more celebrating and gratitude and jumping in the deep end together.

It was real emotional. and real beautiful.

These days...

The best days are the ones where we lazied around
talking about our wildest dreams and
 our  secrets all while sipping coffee.
When we have no where to go.
we can just be.
in the truest sense of the word.
Time stands still best in those moments.
Everything seems possible.
Clinking cups
laughter
and heart beats
become the soundtrack
to our lives.
over a kitchen table
that is knocked and worn 
from use. 
Not unlike our hearts. 

Lives woven together
from intersecting people
and worlds 
and circumstances 
Finding each other--eventually
finally 
and the exact right time.
kindred spirits always find their way 
to each other. 

There is a simplicity I miss about life and i want to get back there. And i think we will because i think we're meant to, because i think we all kind of need to be loved by each other, and for each other and honest with each other. 

a really disjointed, weird, ode to 2015

I think that if i ever write a book it will be called " With Love: letter's to my life"

Today, I would like to address 2015, obviously. It's been an insane ride, so many good surprises and hard lessons, and grace. and grace and grace and grace and second chances and grace.

Did i mention grace?

Finding away to neatly wrap up this year with a nice little bow of a pithy statements is not going to be possible but, I will try with the words i have to reflect the gratitude I have.

This year has been about a lot things, but mostly it's been about 2nd chances, learning how to receive the grace that is extended to me, and sorting things out and finding my way back.

I know that i've messed up a billion times this year, i've said or done things that i shouldn't have. i 've jumped to conclusions, i've created scenarios in my head.

But for all the billion things i did wrong, there were a billion opportunities for grace and a billion and one chances.

Chances to find God again. Chances to give something another go. Chances to fall in love with the world again. Chances at friendships, chances at wellness.

Everywhere you look last year there was me, falling down, and someone helping me back up...and then i'd fall again and i'd get back up.

And I 1000% didn't deserve any of it and i'm still i awe of a lot of it. I don't understand how or why some people love me the way they do.

okay, honestly, this entire thing is weirdly disjointed, and i've been trying to write something when the words won't come.

So...yeah, there were a lot of second chances, there was a lot of redemption. Lost things were found, reminders of who I am were everything. Opportunities were literally presented to me on a platter.

and here we are. Looking at the next 365 days, i don't know what will happen. I'm sure I feel all the things, I will try hard, my feelings will get hurt, and i'll probably hurt other people's feelings.

But i'm going to try to take what i learned from my scraped knees in 2015 and hopefully not repeat the same mistakes.

I am going be intentional about being grateful for what i do have and not think about what I lack, or how things used to be. I'm going to burry what needs to be buried, not forgetting what i learned and how it made me feel but I won't let it dictate the future.

maybe.

2015 was a struggle but also amazing. and crazy and i laughed a lot and read a lot and cried a lot and loved a lot and it was good. It was all good. I think that's all you can ask from a full life.