i'm just a dreamer, nothing more....

I would also like to propose that there is not an age limit to crawling into bed with your best pals with some coffee and talking about life and dreaming big dreams under piles of blankets in your comfiest clothes with your hearts right out there on your sleeves.

it's literally one of my favorite things ever.

If this isn't something you do, you might want to consider starting.

I dont' buy the lines in magazines that tell me what i have to be....

It's really nice to be missed and to be loved this much. I'm so thankful.

I like that my mom still fixes my sweaters, and calls me "bird" and is generally always concerned about everything i'm doing.

I love that my dad and i can do just about anything together but our favorite things include cribbage, outside chores, and movies and coffee.

There were some tears today as i stopped being so independent and started being a daughter again, a part of a family who really does love me the best way they can. We talked and played games and put up a Christmas tree. I mean, my heart strings could burst.

We cleaned out a bunch of stuff, piles of memories found in boxes with tons of dust. Memories none of us have dragged out in forever.

I'm really into hand-me-downs lately, gathering people's clothes that they'd rather just get rid of, i steal and wear and love.

Because i have this thing about wearing things that are other peoples or things that remind me of people. It's like they're with you even when they're not. it's a reminder you can grab on too when you need to feel a little love or courage or strength or a laugh.

i call it "the best friend's sweatshirt" mentality. I love this just as much as i love the way the scent of things makes me thing of specific memories or people.

I don't know how to end this, or what to say, really but, I know how good i have it everywhere i call home.

Also,  martina mcbride is currently singing "over the rainbow" and i am beside myself with joy.

Also, SNOW. we have snow and i dont' think i've ever been more excited about it...ever.

hands....

I have an entire pinterest board dedicated to the act of hand holding.

I love hand holding. i have vivid memories of hand holding. I just think it's real sweet.

And sometimes, everything is crazy, and you're tyring to work it all out and you're trudging along, head down, focused simply on getting there....to the end of the day, the week, the finish line....to the other side of something....and all you need is someone to grab your hand and hold it.

And hopefully, we all have those people who will just grab our hand, even if we never offer it, or turn down the offer when it's presented, we all need people who will just grab your hand, give it a squeeze that says "i'm with you"

tonight, my dad got a call that his best man in his wedding, his best friend, his numba one,  had died earlier today. On thanksgiving. Though his friend had been battling a lot of health issues, and his passing was the sign of an end of suffering, i don't think you ever want someone like that be gone. Someday, things will be beautiful again, and we'll all be together again and that's a promise worth holding on to.

And i didn't know what to do, I've been very sheltered by the cruelty of death, so i just grabbed his hand and said a silent prayer. My dad's hand is big. and strong and mine is young and small and doesn't know what to say but it was enough.

these people, where i get my lifes blood.

 

This is where I come from. this is who I am. for better or worse.

For the occasion.....

 

 

i love dave barnes. i love this song. i love it all.

 

Happy Thanksgiving, loves.

They say, you can't go home again....

The sound of home never rang so sweet as it does tonight.

thankful for these people and these spaces and places that built me.

Huggin' my mom and dad....well, it was kind of a day maker.

Happy Thanksgiving, Friends.

I hope that you find time to be thankful for ordinary things and ordinary people that your life wouldn't be the same without.

Oh, and those people you love? Tell em. Hug them. Be vulnerable enough to be like "hey, i think you're just the best and i love you and when i see you, my day/life/month...is better"

Thank you, Jesus for all we are and all we have.

Find your way back home.....

most of the time, i think it's kind of tragic that my heart is in so many places. Most of the time, i feel like i'm not loving anyone one thing enough, but today is different.

Today, after work, I am home, and as much as things have been cockeyed and crazy as of late, i felt overwhelmed with love and thankfulness for this space, and these people who have quite literally rearranged their lives for me, let me into their club and wrote my name on a list of important people. Today, i made hand turkeys, and watched Turbo and was super thankful for hang times with my favorite small human. I was thankful for crafts and watching big projects be completed slowly but surely, and I was thankful that i chose to get up at 12:30 this morning to maybe catch a ghost because i laughed a lot about it and it will not be something i talk about....a funny dumb memory, and i was thankful again for the kitchen table. The one that's well loved and well worn and is the place where so much is talked about and figured out and laughed about and cried about. so thankful for the person sitting across from me whose existence i celebrate on the regular.

I feel so incredibly thankful that this is part of my story, that i'm one of them.  There are, however, a few pangs of sadness knowing that i am leaving them for a couple of days. Sometimes that not so awesome things are just easier when Lisa is in huggin' distance.

But i'm thankful that i get to go home. I'm thankful that tomorrow night i will walk into the house i grew up in and my parents will hug me for the first time since april. I will eat really great food and i'll play marathon games of cribbage with my dad. I'll make my family start the holiday season off my watching through the Botanical Garden of lights. I will drink hot chocolate, and drive around in my dad's car listening to country music because that's how i roll in Geebs. I will hug my grandma. and my aunts and we'll catch up, and we'll snuggle in Grandma's living room and we'll watch a show and they'll all ask about Minnesota and i'll tell them about all the people and things that grab my heart there. I'll drive around noticing all the new things. We'll go shopping and they'll let me cook for them, and we'll play board games and card games until our backs hurt from sitting. and we'll laugh at things that are only funny to us. and I'll be the funny one and they'll love me for it. We'll go to church together, we'll order Pizza and go through old christmas ornaments, and i'll remember how much i love my grandma's house and i'll miss my grandpa, and i'll fall in love with my family all over again.

And i'll remember, again, who i am at my core. and i'll feel like myself again because sometimes i need reminders of who i am and where i came from.

There will be christmas lights and trees, and we'll make chex mix and i'll eat all the peanut butter balls and everything will smell like cinnamon.

I'm so thankful for holidays and traditions and for all the roads that bring me home. And for home not to be a location but a group of people who love you and know who you are, and help you find your way back when you've veered off.

So thankful for the anchors and the compasses in my life that look like me and my kindred.  

I'll cry when i leave Green Bay on Sunday, but this year? i'll be thankful that my heart is in two places.

I dont' need answers, I just need some peace...

There is nothing sweeter in this sad world than the sound of someone you love calling your name.

lol...this though,

I do not think everyone in America is ignorant! Far from it!! But we are today, probably, the most uneducated, under read, and illiterate nation in the western hemisphere. Which makes it all the more puzzling to me why the biggest question on your small mind is whether or not little Johnny is gonna recite the Pledge of Allegiance every morning! I'll tell you something else, If you like reciting the Pledge of Allegiance everyday then I think you should do it! In the car! In the shower! Wherever the mood strikes you! But don't try to tell me when or where I have to say or do or salute anything, because I am an American too, and that is what being an American is all about! And another thing... I am sick and tired of being made to feel that if I am not a member of a little family with 2.4 children who goes just to Jerry Falwell's church and puts their hands over their hearts every morning that I am unreligious, unpatriotic, and un-American!! Because I've got news for you, all liberals are not kooks, anymore than all conservatives are fascists!! and the last time I checked, God was neither a Democrat nor a Republican! And just for your information, yes I am a liberal, but I am also a Christian. And I get down on my knees and pray everyday ---- on my own turf — on my own time. One of the things that I pray for, is that people with power will get good sense, and that people with good sense will get power... and that the rest of us will be blessed with the patience and the strength to survive the dumb people in the meantime.


#yes. #exactly

Tonight i'm thinking of my college girl, and everyone who i love who's heart is a little broken.

And what i'm thinking is, if we could all just get together, and put the pieces of our hearts in a pile, and got out some glue and just started working, we'd make something real beautiful.

The Mosaic that doesn't tell a story with clean edges. Nope our story has weird shapes and jagged edges, but it's ours, and when the light hit it, it sparkles.

And i think we had the let the jagged edges poke us and scratch us and maybe even make us bleed a little. You know leave a scar. So we are linked, permanently, to each other.

To remind us that love is like a scar, ugly but permanent.

Love is a verb, right? How can we make love more active?

love is....

knowing each others starbucks drinks.
leaving voice mails of christmas mouse singing let it snow
crying over dogs
crying with each other when shit get too real
car ride talks
laughing
coffee dates where you talk more than listen.
Hugs in the lobby
Smiles and high fives.
praying for each other
sitting. talking. being honest
knowing the roads that lead you home.
singing to stupid pop songs
leaving notes
borrowing clothes
surprise corn dogs
watching the cher farewell tour 399 times with your gay.
making hand turkeys
sharing knowing glances.
holdin' babies
and holdin' down forts
saying thank you, i love you, and help me.

the ing...implies a "gerund" which means its a verb in progress.

let's always make "love" an "ing" because i dont' ever want there to be an expiration date on my love. or your love.

lets get together and feel alright.

sometimes....

sometimes people just suck and sometimes they can't help it but it doesn't take away from the fact that they suck.

and you just have to be ok with it.

That drifter's world goes round and round and i doubt if it's ever gonna stop....

There was much talk about songs tonight. I kind of loved everything about it.

I like a lot of random songs that literally make no sense for anyone my age. at all.

 here a just a few.

1. Please Come to Boston.
2. Walking in Memphis
3. Desperado
4. Sunday Kind of Love
5. Tiny Dancer
6.Golden Slumbers
7. 9 to 5
8. drift away
9. Sittin' on the dock of the bay
10. Total Eclipse of the Heart
11. When i fall in love
12. someone to watch over me.....oh man. don't even. i love this song.

i love me the rat pack, and rosemary clooney, and cole porter,  and ella and billie and etta. and the beatles and the eagles, ad james taylor and carly simon and dolly and country and everything a 29 year old girl probably shouldn't. 

I was born in the Wong decade and i kind of think it's one of the best things that people discover about me when they get to know me.

i love Gregory peck and jimmy stewart, and audrey hepburn and old movies where people talk too fast and everything has a little bit of a vintage wash to it.

ugh. it's my FAVORITE.

thoughts on snow. and jesus, and why this time of year is amazing.

so...this is old but my feelings on snow? exact same. So excited for the holiday season, i hope you are, too.....


It snowed today. Our first real live snow of the season, or, at least, that is what I consider it. I don't like to count anything that I can't make a snow angel in. It's been a lovely first snow. It's the type of snow that sticks to the trees with the big flakes that stay on your eye lashes. You konw, the kind that are worth catching on your tongue. The snowball makin' kind. The Norman Rockwell kind of snow.

Yep. Winter is offically here. It came in real classy and nice, unlike last year. Last year it showed up early. Though, I'm pretty sure Winter thought it was running LATE and as a result came in with vengence and dropped her shit everywhere. EVERYWHERE. all the time.

and then everyone went crazy.

But this year, it would seem, that Winter has learned her lesson. She is acting like a real lady. She is sparkly, and soft and quiet.

(That's not to say that I think women should be quiet because God knows I am not, but sometimes Winter should be seen and not heard.)

Today, my eye lashes were beautifully dusted, my cheeks the perfect shady of rosey, and my miittens kept my hands warm. The air smelled clean and fresh. (so fresh and so clean, clean) Today, everything was just different.

Today, Mother Nature and yours truly got it right. We were in sync. My coffee tasted better than it has in days, which might have more to do with it's latest washing than the first snow fall, but hey, a girl can dream. My coat kept me all kinds of cozy, and Mother Nature made sure that Winter did her job and made St. Paul look like a snow globe.

I just smiled a lot. I actually love Winter. Understand, I do not like 4902 inches of snow, or having to dig my car of a 7 foot drift with a salt scoop, but i do love the snow. I also love that during the Winter time everyone just seems more connected.

We are friendly to strangers. We are concerned about those who don't have enough, we love our families and friends, we take time to honor traditons. We wave at neighbors, and hold doors open for people, we push cars out of being stuck, we complain with each other as we all shovel and scrape, and dust off cars, sidewalks and porches, and the world just seems smaller and less jacked up.

and we spend time preparing and celebrating a wee babe who came to show us all what this LOVE thing is all about, and to wash us white as snow.

So, it seems fitting that the snow should come right before the most important birthday in the entire world.

Thanks, Winter, keep up the good work!

 There are moments when the heart is generous, and then it knows that for better or worse our lives are woven together here, one with one another and with the place and all the living things.
-Wendell Berry

i don't have the answers, and neither do you....

some thoughts i'm thinking.

1. i'm drunk.
2. i'm  really into the song December by Sara bareilles
3. i'm kind of a terrible human sometimes.
4. i'm excited to get some morning time with Rita tomorrow. my whole life feels off when there's no rita.
5. i've been real good about keepin things to myself.
6. wine helps my heart feel better.
7. i'm way more selfish than i'd like to admit. workin' on it.
8. i'm so confused most of the time.
9. i haven't been hugged by my parents in almost 8 months and that's probably a huge contributing factor to why currently feel zero affirmation.
10. i miss my kindalls.
11. change makes me cry.
12. i continue to believe that people are just doing the best they can
13. i kinda maybe might like a boy...a little....that hasn't happened in a real long time. it's times like these when i miss Melissa.
14. i miss melissa and that comes with all the shame in guilt in the world.
15.  the Internet is magic. i dont' understand it. i have no idea if i'm doing an ok job at work or not.
16. i cry a lot. about good things and sad things
17.  everything is weird.
18. i know Jesus is gonna make everything awesome.
19. I'm really trying to be secretly awesome.
20. i need to be humbled on the regular.
21. had an amazing lunch with Jessa and Erik today. They are my people. like for real.
22. the weirdest things happen when i least expect it.
23. i still believe big things are coming.
24. i miss my family but im stubborn and will never admit it....except here. in this moment.
25. "Amen" is my favorite song.
26. i really want to know the two people are that read this stupid blog and if they think i'm completely crazy.
27. i give all the of the effs. about almost everything.
28. i want to be a person who lives a life of value...i have no idea if that's actually happening.
29. To quote juno "i'm not sure what kind of girl i am"
30. Ben Rector is the best. i love him so much.
31. remember when i had things under control? Yeah, unfortunately nobody in my life right now does. But i do.
32. lisa is my very favorite person. followed by brad and rita.
33. i'm really into the holiday season right now and hot chocolate.
34. what if i never get married.
35. where is Jesus in all of this.
36. I JUST WANT A TATTOO. and i love the idea of getting matching tattoos with someone....that is a pipe dream. i think it's just a beautiful idea and sentiment.
37. I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'M DOING.
38. I think it's it'll be ok though. In fact, i think it'll be better than ok.
39. hate being an only child. i'd be the best aunt.
40. i have to get up at like 4:30. but rita's meeting  me with chai, and cozy rita time.
41. I wear out words almost to the point where they lose meaning.
42. i'm sorry, i dont' mean to be difficult.
43. there's really no place i'd rather be than right here.

stuff and nonsense.

sometimes i just get real frustrated and i want to kick something.

Thoughts on gratitude

I think the way the story that we're telling is unfolding is breath-taking, and beautiful, even the hard parts.

We write beautifully, together. our stories weaving in and out of each other like a patch work of then and nows. And discovering the secret goodness locked in each of us, from long nights gathered around tables and fire places and kitchen islands.

You have keys to my heart now, and i don't want them back. They are yours for as long as you want them because, you see, I've just made space for you in there, your own little corner and i would like you to say forever.

Still, seasons have a way of changing before they've worn out their welcome, and if that is how this story will play out, I'm afraid my heart never be same because your imprint will always be there, there will always be the memory and the idea of you. You will always have space in my heart.

You're  the beautiful people who protect me, and take care of me, and let me take naps on the comfiest of all couches. You who pick me up when my car is broken down. You who heps me put the pieces of my heart back together. You who loved me through the best and worst of times. You who loved me when i couldnt' and didn't love myself. My truth tellers, the people i borrow courage from when i wear your cadigans.

Our stories, well, they're built on each other. And the space you take up in my heart is why i'd walk through fire for you. It's why, i'll gladly stand in the gap for you, it's why i'll always clear my schedule for you. Pick you first, and carry your burdens with you.  it's why no matter how our lives ebb and flow, you are my people. my tribe. my family.

And i think despite what people say about boundaries and normal, what Jesus sees is us loving each other the best way we know how, and i think it's inching the kingdom along, and i'm for that.

And i'm for you. In the additions, in the valleys, in the uncertainty, in the fight for family. I'm for you, i'm running with you, and i will fight with you. Gimme a shovel i'll help you build your trench. then i'll help you climb out of it, because you're absolutely worth all the effort.

And on the other side, when we're older and we're reflecting, we'll be so very glad to be "one of us"

to my Lisa,  To my Kindalls, and Lindstedts and my college tribe of weirdos, you make me better, and no words will ever suffice.

In this practice of gratitude, i hope one day you'll know just how grateful i am for who you are and all you've done.

You're the most favorites.


and these are my thoughts on gratitude

As far as I can recall, none of the adults in my life ever once remembered to say, ‘Some people have thick skin and you don’t. Your heart is really open and that is going to cause you pain, but that is an appropriate response to this world. The cost is high, but the blessing of being compassionate is beyond your wildest dreams. However, you’re not going to feel that a lot in seventh grade. Just hang on.’

stompa your feet....

the one thing that is running through my mind right now?

"Yeah, you big drunk patti" from the heat. and it makes me giggle a lot, which will help me make it through the work day.

Jesus delights in answering our impossible prayers....

Tonight, as I finish reading Love Does  for the third time, I'm holding on to that idea.

I am learning how to get out of the way. I'm learning how to do things because you love someone and not want or need anything out of it. I'm learning how, for better or worse, to keep my mouth shut.

I'm learning how to not take things personally. I'm learning how to understand, to just be still, to be available but not be over....anything....

and it's actually really hard for me. I'm a huge ball of insecurity and I'm learning how to not need outside affirmation.

Being humble, loving well, being honest, and being present are all things i want to be. I want people to see when they look at me...the process, however, is not the best.

Tomorrow, I'm gonna start a  fast. I haven't decided how long it will be but once a week, from sun up to sun down, I'm gonna fast, I'm gonna be real intentional about praying for my people, for God to speak louder than the lies in my head, and for Jesus to answer our impossible prayers.

I believe my God is big and able.

Saved....

i have a text saved in my phone that says "you're a good thing" and i look at it every day.

so let my whole life be a blazing offering.....

Sometimes I get stuck in my own head. ok...not sometimes, a lot and i'm never quite sure how to get out of it.

This last weekend, I did church announcements. I tried to convince myself and everyone else that's its not a big deal.

Well, it was. Every single insecurity i had come flying at me, guns blazing. Aint nobody got time for that. All it did was confirm that i'm not super cool with myself or my body.

i am not one of the pretty people, which sometimes is hard to deal with considering my people are beautiful. all of them. I do not know one ugly person. I've always been the chubby, funny, sidekick. I've just accepted it so as not to have to deal with it.

Well, it hasn't really gone away, besides the whole...not loving how i look thing? There's the whole...who am i disappointing right now but saying the wrong thing, or saying it too fast or slow...oh shit...i said "um" about 32 times.

Then the other half of me is like....it's just 3 minutes of my life. You can't eff it up unless you start saying things like "jesus isn't real" and then i get angry that there is this pressure and that pretty weekend people have this much say over who i think i am.

it's just ridiculous.

so then i of course i spiral into feeling like no one loves me, when, to be honest, you can tell me you love me a million times and i probably wont believe it.

so then i over analyze and over think everything and read things totally wrong because Ive made myself crazy.

this is not all about me.

things need to be way less about me. i'm trying to not project, or be selfish, or think about how everything affects me....and i'm trying more to just be.

And i've been thinking about life and how it seems upside down again and so many people are telling me to just leave and go do something else.

My answer is no,, and here's why: It's not what Jesus would do.

We talk a lot about community and brokenness and doing life together...and all those other stupid christian words we use to make us sound radical and important but we yell "uncle" the second things get hard or lines get blurry.

BUT WHAT IF WE DIDN'T DO THAT?

what if we said yes huggin' people when they need huggin', what if we carried people when they needed to be carried and said all the hard things that needed to be said and shared rooms when we had to and we didn't even talk about all the "great things" we're doing.

what if we jumped in heart first with the people we loved? Yeah, boundaries are good but what people are worth getting messy with, which people are you willing to limp along side? What people would you really walk through fire for?

you got some? Then do it. Yeah, my life could look different, but I'm allowing things to change me. I'm allowing people to change me for the better. I'm allowing Jesus to show up and teach us all something.

I'm allowing my people deep into the recesses of my heart and mind, and my people....are letting me into theirs and it's scary and  unpleasant and gut wrenching.

but worth it?

you bet.

"when you love someone, you begin to understand what justice looks like for them"...taken out of context completely, but i think it applies here:

I want to fight for the people i love. I want restoration for my people. I want them to see who they are in the best light. i want to right their wrongs with them, i want to shoulder their pain. I want to dig a trench with them.

because that what loves looks like and i wan to experience that kind of raw, beautiful, honest, love.

So, I'm trying to climb out of my own head. I want to get out of my own way, i want to get out of Jesus way, and let him change me. Change us. and i want love to grow exponentially because of it.

Tonight i got to talk about Uganda a little and i got to be so proud of my people that i got a little weepy because....really....my love language is tears....and i got to say some stuff that was hard but also on my heart and that needed to be said. Was it easy? Not all of it, no.

But if we are really going to be who we are called to be, we have to start being brave enough to do the scary and hard things....

those are basically all the thoughts i have on this right now because i'm real sleepy.

Just be love people. Let Jesus do the saving. All we can do is stand in that gap and be as much as Jesus as we are capable of and i think we're all capable of a lot more.

i try to love Jesus and myself...

THIS IS MY JAM. SO MUCH MY JAM. lyric below...

Yeah I have my addictions
I keep my share of secrets
And things you'll never see
Mmm I get selfish and defensive
And pay too much attention to my insecurity

Though I
I'm just like everybody else
I try to love Jesus and myself, yeah yeah
I don't know what you believe
Or what you think of what you see
But this is a part of me yeah
What I do and who I am
All of my impurities oh
Are right here on my sleeve
This is me
This is me

Yes my heart breaks for the homeless
I worry about my parents
And all my bills are late
Yeah I I'm dealing with the changes
Of this complicated strangeness
Of seeing life this way

Hey yeah I
I'm just like everybody else
I try, Lord I try to love Jesus and myself, yeah yeah
I don't know what you believe
Or what you think of what you see
But this is a part of me yeah
Of what I do and who I am
All of my impurities
Are right here on my sleeve
This is me yeah
This is me
Wo... yeah yeah, yeah

I laugh at silly movies
Tear up when I see babies
And I'm stubborn as a stone
Yeah I
I criticize my body
I wonder if I'm ready to ever be alone

Oh I
I'm just like everybody else
I cry yes I cry just like everybody else yeah yeah yeah
I don't know what you believe
Or what you think of what you see
But this is a part of me
Of what I do and who I am
All of my impurities
Are right here on my sleeve
This is me

Oh this is me
Oh this is me
I'm gonna celebrate it
I'm gonna celebrate it
Don't be afraid who you are
Celebrate who you are
What you do, what you feel, what you see, who you are
Celebrate, celebrate
This is just me
I'm not afraid, I'm not ashamed
This is me

Let your heart, sweetheart, be your compass when your lost....

Lots of hard stuff lately, yeah, that's totally true, and while there is a lot of suffering there is a lot of overcoming, too, you know?

And people are at their best, and their worst when they're waist deep in hard.

I've really been trying to appreciate and be thankful for simple things lately because i'm not fancy or hard to please, and really, even though things always seems to be upside down, i'm really happy, and actually i feel kind of blessed for my heart to beat the way it does. I mean sometimes it gets me into trouble, but for the most part, I think it's pretty great.

So, because I like simple, and I like lists...here's some things that currently have a pretty good grasp on my heart

1. Hot chocolate
2. The holiday season
3. slow moving morning with lis. (i like the rhythms we get into, right now, this is my favorite)
4. After school homework time with Nick
5. the song "God Gave Me You"
6. Christmas Lights,
7. laughing
8. Inside jokes
9. the heat
10. baking...well...i mean...kind of. (read:chatting with lisa as she bakes)
11. memories.
12. story tellin'
13. crafts
14. Parenthood. obviously.
15. Jesus
16. my people
17.  Anchors
18. the smell of the change of season
19. Cinnamon.
20. Candles
21. words. books. brilliantly crafted lines that hit you right in the heart.
22. smiling
23. rosey cheeks
24. mittens
25. THANKSGIVING.
26. traditions
27. cardigans
28. scarves
29. coffee
30. worship music
31. My youth group girls.
32. 180
33. My college girl.
34. clean sheet days.
35. the smell of laundry
36. i'm really into appreciating moments where words aren't needed.
37. knowing you're loved
38. huggin' the people like a lot
39. working with so many people i love
40. having hard conversations but not being scared.
41. telling people i love them.
42. writing
43 making play lists.
45. this time in my life.
46. Africa.
47. babies
48. Understanding my family on a whole new level.
49. guitars
50. becoming. ever evolving.

I knew that summer and fall were going to wreck me, and it's been kind of a cluster but in the most rewarding way. God gives us lots of opportunities to love each other well, and to try, and to do things that Jesus would do.

I know, i'm not perfect and i know i get in my own head a lot and lose my cool....but man, i've learned a lot. my roots have grown deeper, i'm pruning and bearing good fruit...the process is kind of ridiculous, but....i'm kind of cool with it. It means we're living and growing and changing.

i mean....half full, right?

If the world was how it should be, maybe I could get some sleep

 

 

 

Standing in the gap for so much. 

Opening your heart and being courageous and telling people that you care about them or like them or that you think they’re special only makes you a better, bigger, kinder, softer, more loving person and only attracts more love in your life.

— Amy Poehler 

this little light of mine....

 

Let's remember together. And Let's throw some fuel on our flames and burn brighter and stronger than ever.  Let's live out our callings and be who we were made to be.

for real. let's do it.

 

 

Somedays i get weepy about the right things. The good things, the good people. The hope that's everywhere. and Jesus. I get weepy about Jesus.

And I feel thankful instead of annoyed and joyful instead of frustrated.

Today, i'm just thankful that i have good people in my corner,a place to call home and people who make me laugh and who constantly remind me that things are good.

Thankful for perspective, for release and for working toward forgiveness.

on being "not enough"

i'm going to warn you, what i'm about to tell you, i literally have not said to anyone.  At all ever.  I don't know if this is the best way to do anything, but i do know that i get to release it into the cosmic void as soon as i push publish...and then...i can just leave it.

I've been doing this Oprah, Brene Brown class..thing...which basically is art projects and learning to embrace who you are better and i'm terrible at it.

like, doing the activities aren't hard but it's because there's a huge disconnect between the activity and the application in daily life. I can do it, but not apply it, and i don't know what you call that, but it's who i am.

I've been thinking a lot about when i started believing i wasn't good enough. For the longest time, i couldn't remember, when really, i didn't want to remember...because deep down...I did know. I do know.

I watched my parents fall from grace when i was 8. 8, is too young to realize that you're parents aren't superheros. 8 is too young to mediate, and process and keep secrets. 

Although my story isn't uncommon, or surprising, it's mine and has absolutely contributed to the person I am. Right now. In this exact instant.

So, i have a few vivid memories and one of the them is walking with my dad, up a hill on our way to pick up our car from Sears. He asked me would think if he had a girlfriend.

Wait, what? My answer is as simple and as innocent as you would expect from an 8 year old. I said, "i wouldn't like it because you have mom, and me, and that's enough, isn't it?"

and apparently it wasn't. How quickly all my innocence was shattered because as much as i wanted to pretend it was a hypothetical, i knew it wasn't...and while i never told anyone that it happened, or mentioned again...until really this week, it happened. and it crushed me.

Then, i heard the phone calls, which looking back on now, he wasn't really trying to hide...i knew it wasn't my mom. and i knew that things would never quite be the same after that, and they weren't. Ever.

Then came the note because they had stopped talking to each other with the exception of the ridiculous screaming matches they'd get into...about...her and them and everything else a kid should never hear. The note said a lot of things. The print was small, but i remember seeing the word "divorces" and then my baby mind knew enough to stop reading to protect my heart.

Except that it wasn't protected. It was shattered into about 38million pieces but when your a kid, you're not supposed to know how to put the pieces back.

I should also mention I had just started a new school where i knew nobody and was just trying to get into the rhythm of 2nd grade while keeping my parents secrets. then...my dad moved out. it happened quickly and it almost too smoothly to be real but he did. I remember moving a bed from my grandparents house....my grandma must have knew what was going on, but my grandpa didn't...so i wasn't allowed to say anything. So i just watched them move my new bed into a new place.

And then i vividly remember the night he left. I was in bed with my mom...and weeping. Like the kind of screaming, weeping, desperate cry that makes it hard to breathe. That makes the people around you cry, too. Remember that scene in Hope Floats where all she wants to do is go with her dad?

my.life.exactly. My dad. My hero. The one man wasn't supposed to be disappointing hurt me. and my mom. and our family. And for what?

The move out didn't last long, and i never met "her" but they stayed together because of money, but things were never the same. Every fight, my mom would assume infidelity. and say things like " Go be with your girlfriend" or "Who is she" when i'm not sure there ever was another woman after the first one...but...i can never really be sure.

For so long i was so angry at my mom for not standing up for herself. for not believing that she was worth more than that. For letting him make her feel like she wasn't enough. I was upset with the example she set for me as a woman. 

And at them, for never showing me what a good, healthy marriage looks like. And for treating me like a mediator and not their kid.

They didn't fight for their marriage, nope. they existed. And then didn't protect me. They dragged me  into the pit with them, and when it was over, i simply had to grab a shovel and help them cover it up.

So i was 8 when I started to believe that i wasn't enough. I was 8 when i started to believe that if i made people happy, they wouldn't leave me. I was 8 when i had to start protecting my own heart, when i learned how to stuff it instead of feel it.

i've had 21 years of practice in being a perfectionist and believing i'm not enough.

And, my parents, they are good people, they try hard to do the right thing, their hearts are big and they beat, mostly, for the right reasons, but they are broken and flawed and they need as much grace and love as everyone else.

So, the truth is, i look at marriage with a strange lens, and it transfers to more than just marriage.

Currently, in this transition in my life, i feel a little isolated and my heart once again has kind of been put through the ringer, and no one protected me except my a team.

And now, i look at my friendships with a shallow pulse and how no one is fighting for me to stay in their lives and i feel like i'm not enough. Not worth the effort.

and all of a sudden i'm 8 again. and feelin pretty alone.

Then, my most favorite human is in her own storm, and it breaks my heart to think that she maybe felt like she wasn't "enough" and all i want to do is protect her, and do the fighting FOR her because no one should ever have to feel that kind of heart break.

So, i have put away my insecurity. and get on my praying knees. and believe that Jesus can restore. That love does win, and that things can be made new.

And again, I have to figure out how to give grace instead of hold a grudge. I have to forgive instead of condemn, and i have to love like Jesus does, which is hard.

Mostly, though, i can't project my stuff into where it doesn't belong and it's a little bit harder than i expected, and i have to forgive and remember how human we all are.

I can't do that without Jesus. I dont' know where God is in the mess, but i know he's there. i'll understand one day.

This was a rough weekend in terms of feeling good about anything. Thank goodness i have people to come home to who will hug me, and laugh with me, and make things better without having to hash it all out.

so thankful.


But in case you're wondering.....horrible at the whole self compassion thing. Absolutely terrible.

Me, i guess i was a shoulder to cry on....

the only languages i speak fluently are laughter and tears.


I've decided that the more i look back, the more i see miracles and i think that's beautiful.

I'm always looking for the right words and saying them enough. To make sure people KNOW and understand how important and amazing and impactful they are...but i'm beginning to think i'm doing it all wrong and most of the time i'm positive i love people more than they love me...i could get give you a laundry list of reasons why but i don't think it's important.

My words are losing their power...because i over use them....so i'm gonna let silence speak, and eye contact and....existing...speak for themselves.

Because...sometimes i think that i'm really just trying to validate myself by validating other people.

does that even make sense?

I'm just going to believe in my people and love them well and love the moments when we all just KNOW with out having to say anything.

“She wasn't bitter. She was sad, though. But it was a hopeful kind of sad. The kind of sad that just takes time. ” 

yep. this.

i'm not ready to make nice, i'm not ready to back down....

Let me tell you how I'm embracing my imperfection because I am.

Today, i posted a horrible picture of me from 7th grade. As a 13 year old, i was horrified. I even remember my friend Crystal didn't want it because of how bad it looked.

At 13 i was devastated. At 29. I think it's funny, and I think I was sweet, and clueless and endearing. I guess not much has changed.

Today, i'm embracing 13 year old me, which i don't think I've ever really done. I think she's great, and smart and has a beautiful spirit. She's funny, and reliable and loyal.

I used to think she was fat, and ugly and awkward. Now, I see her potential and i wish i could encourage her.

Today, i went to work wearing no make up. I'm embracing 29 year old me. My skin is still dumb, i'm still chubby, but i'm funny and i like my butt and i feel ok in my skin.

I want to say to me today: It's ok. You're great, and you'll muddle through all that's going on and you'll be just fine.

You need to believe that people love you. That if and when your bottom drops out, there will be people there to help your pick up the pieces. Please stop caring what other people think.

If you're happy, awesome. If you're not. Do something to change it.

there are people standing in the gap for you, too.


and that's what on my mind today. Im real sleepy today.

If this is my right of passage that somehow leads me home....

I'm so thankful for some of the simplest things lately.

Moments where words aren't necessary. Early morning talks. Doorway standing. Communicating via facial expressions. laughter.  The security of feeling loved. Being different, yet so incredibly similar. For honesty and tears and the aftermath.. ride or dies. a job i love. 9 senior girls who let me into their worlds For feeling God move in places i haven't in the longest time. To wearing cardigans that don't belong to you in hopes that some courage will rub off.

For looking at the mess with hope. For praying for the people who take up the most space in your heart. For starting over with family. For morning breakfast talks and after school homework sessions. For Orpah classes, and honesty, and water colors, and crafts and Christmas. Gingerbread lattes. Warms smells. the smell of amber and vanilla. Truck loads of coffee.

Kitchen table sessions. Watching the same movie a million times and laughing every time. Shared experiences. hashtags. new traditions. moder families. Saying yes when it's easy to say no. Play lists. Theme Songs.

Courage. Bravery. Humility. Fighting for people. Praying. Words that stir inside you. The change of the seasons. The smell of Fall turning into Winter. The glimmer of the ice. The sight of your breath on the cool air. Pictures of random things at Walgreens. Laughter. pictures. Never running out of things to talk about. Being more of myself than i ever have.

Knowing that this is not what we planned, but it' real cool and has changed us in the best ways.

these things? They're the playlist of my life.

on saying goodbye...

everything got a little too real today....i needed to re-read my words i wrote almost two years ago.....


I've done my fair share of hurting this year.
I've also had my little heart
shattered.
more than once.

Resilience is something i'll never understand
how those pieces just find their way back home
making my heart whole again
it has it's cracks, and it's dips
but it beats hard.
strong.
with a love that shines.

Maybe we don't need to understand
why some things work and others don't
why even after words so sharp rip through your skin
and leave you breathless.
you can forgive.
learn.
move on.
get it right.

Letting people know you love them
sometimes isn't enough.
They have to know
that you don't get it
either.
well, fuck.
we're all in this together.

Desperately clinging to what
was. is fruitless.
change.
but change together.
support every avenue
even though they may
fork and veer off
the good ones
always find their way back.

sometimes you need to spill our heart
sometimes it's ugly, and unrecognizable
sometimes it's sad and sweet.
you need to spill it to the people who
catch you. and
catch your hearts desires
in a butterfly net
and help you hold on

you need to look in the mirror
face all the pieces,
especially the weird shaped ones
that fit together
to make your
mosaic.

Without those pieces
something is missing
though some parts shine.
other parts sparkle
you need the dark
to balance the light
to know how good it feels
to love
and be loved
and be happy
hopeful.

sometimes the mirror is ugly
sometimes you need to hold hands
face it together
but you ought to look it
and know
you are not the sum of your parts
and triumph has already come
everyone is waiting
for you.
to love yourself
as much as they
love you.
as much as HE
loves you.

"What is that feeling when you're driving away from people and they recede on the plain till you see their specks dispersing? - it's the too-huge world vaulting us, and it's good-bye. But we lean forward to the next crazy venture beneath the skies.” ....jack keroauc


I'm beginning to hate chapters, and seasons and goodbyes, but I'm gonna smile and spin it like it's a new adventure and I'm excited when really my heart is in about 75 pieces. Jagged and sharp, because in this goodbye i've seen how i haven't loved people well, how i've isolated myself  and i've hurt people i love and how i'm equally responsible for my own hurt. I let all this happen. I was an active participant in my own story.

i'm the author, i could have changed to course of events at any point.

today, i feel small, and i feel like a quiter.

So as much as the sound goodbye makes my insides squirm, the real heart stopping situation is seeing yourself the way you really are. That mirror is hard to hold sometimes.

i don't know if would have fought me for me, either.

Thankfully though, i choose what happens next. My character is dynamic and my ending will be happy.

i play this weird game with people where i want them to fight for me.

and they almost never do.

so i end up saying goodbye and my heart never really quite recovers.

I want the scissors to be sharp
and the table perfectly level
when you cut me out of my life
and paste me in that book you always carry.

lights will guide you home....

What if this is exactly how it's all supposed to happen?

Like what if all  our roads split and collided at the exact right time...

Somehow....in doing something with talking to yourself the way you'd talk to someone you love....im allowing myself to come down very slowly from on the hook i've been on for forever.

which somehow reminded me that there are people i have to let off the hook too, which is humbling to say the least.

i'll unfold for you, what i've strung together the words of a life long love letter

That past couple of days have been a little...tense, awkward, heavy, hard....insert whatever adjective you'd like to describe the opposite of amazing and happy.

and it's been not without good reason. Life happens, people are imperfect, and bottoms fall out  and it aint pretty when a heart breaks, especially when you feel helpless to fix any of it.

But you just do the best you can and you let it be weird.

Well, i've spent the last couple of days a ball of anxiety anyone who is within 30 feet of me can feel it. I haven't been able to sleep or think straight. Horribly distracted is the understatement of the century.

The thing I've realized over the past couple of days, that probably could have helped me a lot in the past is simply this:

Love means rooting for your people. It means forgiveness takes awhile but it's worth working at, it means not holding grudges, freezing people out. It means being real about how it sucks but hopeful that love wins, our God is bigger than all this and He is always faithful and believing that restoration is possible. It means fighting for the right thing, even if it's not the popular thing.

Today, there was a shift, there was laughter and depth and team work and story telling and bonding and outside chores for the first time in 5 days the light was shining through the cracks, and thing started to feel better than they have.

today was one of those ordinary days that turned out to be so rad because you're constantly reminded of how amazingly wonderful your people are even inspite of their junk because they sit down to tell you stories about their lives even the embarrassing ones.

and there are those "me too" moments that make you feel less crazy.

And just affirms the reasons why you stand in the gap for the people you love.

So today, im thankful for laughter, and yearbooks and honesty and a little relief and answered prayers and new eyes to see the good and the potential.

While the road to "better" is long, and hard, and not paved, we're well on our way.

I've been up and prayin' hard.....

There are words spinning in my head. Literally spinning. I'm a pretty visual person, i tend to see in pictures....and right now there are words swirling like leaves in one of those tiny little tornado type things in and alley in the middle of october.

They are spinning so fast, i can't formulate a well reasoned thought, i hate that. For my small group, we are supposed to meditate this week.

Not gonna happen. nope. I wonder if this is what mania feels like. I've always wondered.

Today, though, i spend the whole day with one of my favorite people. He just happens to be 8. I'm not sure if it's weird that I'd rather hang out with him than people my own age, but it's just the truth.

There was bowling, pizza, board games, and a movie. and it was beautiful and he makes me weepy because his heart is so pure and good and exactly Jesus and i wanted to protect his heart so much, but i know there will be a time...when he understands how jacked up the world is, and his little heart will be a jaded.

Because that's what happens when you grow up, but maybe it wont because he loves Jesus in a way i didn't when i was his age.

ok...you know...how i told you i was feeling manic....well...sometimes...really intense memories hit me....and one just did.

About two years ago, my old roommate, ex-best friend....and i were in different locations. I was babysitting as per usual, and she was at an all day volleyball tournament....which was really an all day drinking tournament....no judgement..been there...done that...but...let's just call a spade a spade.

anyway about 8:30 some people brought her to her sister's house to sleep it all off...and then they left her...after i was relieved of my babysitting duties, i had planned on meeting the rest of the crew at the tournament but for some reason i just felt like i should go check on my roommate.

it's a good thing i did. she was in rough shape. We went to college together...so we've all seen each other...in our finest moments. but i remember the look on her face this night was nothing I'd ever seen before, and it totally wigged me out.  I literally can't even explain it other than...it didn't even look like her...an then she ran out side and passed out in the grass and as i was trying to get her to come in....by basically picking her ass up...she was losing her shit on me...swearing like a legit sailor...and i'm all "you're gonna make the neighbors mad and you're not really wearing clothes"

it was  tweele dee/tweedle dumb moment for sure..and so so typically us.

Well, we got her all cleaned up, the house clean up, and slightly hydrated, and in bed, and then i left to just go back home....something about cleaning up after a drunk person that makes drinking not at the top of your to do list.

anyway, i don't want to make myself sound like i'm an awesome roommate or friend because believe me, i'm not. Ask my friends. they'll tell you. This whole scenario was all too familiar, and i was real annoyed but I'm writing about it simply because i heard the song today that i will explain later..and it immediately makes me think of her...and this situation...for whatever reason...

anyway...in the morning, early in the morning, as is so typical after a night a drinking and then consequently puking, she called me to come get her and help her clean up a little better than i did last night.

and i did. because no matter how mad i get, i always say yes...you can have all the opinions on that you want. i give none effs. co-dependent no more.....or at least i am now...kinda...not at all. whatever.

on the way home...we were listening to my new Francesca Battistelli cd...(again, whatever sometimes i like mainstream stupid Jesus music. judge on judger) and "Angle by your side" came on.

And we both sat in complete silence but those three minutes said so much more than words ever could...and we both felt it and knew...and it was this strange affirming that we both kind of needed...the whole...you saw me at my worst and i wasn't wearing clothes, sorry about that, i feel bad about it...and at the same time i was...who gives an eff. i love you....we have friends for moments like this. and we were both genuinely thankful for each other in that moment. It was a "thanks, God, for giving me a best friend" type thing. i literally even remember the smell in her car was a mix of leather and her pink lemonade air freshener. (side note: i remember smells of things, places and people...bascially nouns...i remember the smells of all nouns)

I've been thinking about her a lot lately because  i just ran into her...and it's weird to have so much history with someone...and yet have nothing to say to them....And it's weird, how God brings people in and our of your life, right? Like we couldn't try to this on our own....and for as much as we don't talk and everything is still so weird and loose endy....she is a HUGE part me and my story and i'm so incredibly thankful for her, and i'm sure i never told her that enough....at least not without being a b about it. 

And maybe somewhere in the cobwebs of my brain...i miss her

Anyway, i don't know that i have a point, but i think that the moments where the silence says more than words do are beautiful, and i think those moments Jesus is just super present. I don't have a lot of "words don't matter" moments, so maybe that's why this memory is so vivid.

Well...whatever...that's my head today. i said a lot...but didn't really say much. I'm wordy.

I still want a tattoo.
I miss my parents.
My life keeps gettin weirder.

but im so thankful for all of it. and that i can knit my story together from vivid memories, and lessons learned and hard battles fought and word vomit and kitchen floor resets, and angel by your side moments.

no one can hold be back, i aint got time for that.

I keep wishin my life away with these things i'll never say....

I feel like i should name my blog. Mostly because I'm about to use it as a...well...i don't know....i receptacle for all my thoughts.

Because the reality of my life is that i have a lot of thoughts on all the subjects. Most subjects i probably have no business having thoughts on.

I have to put them somewhere because I have to get them out. Right now, there are people who need me to be less of the high maintenance human I've been as of late, and need me to just love them.

So, my struggle always is knowing when to speak up and knowing when to shut up.

I'm a fairly good listener more of the time, however, usually it comes with also having to hear my opinions on whatever is it that is happening.

Right now, though, I'm going to just try to listen, and I'm just going to sit in this space for as long as i need to, because i don't know that my opinion matters at this point, or that it should. I will fight to bite my tongue, because believe that Jesus can restore what's broken, or at the very least i should honor the effort.

I feel like this has changed everything and I'm scared that I'm not going to be able to forgive what needs to forgiving. Does my forgiveness matter? probably not, but will it change things if i can't pull it together? yes. The thought of that is devastating.

I would also like to say just for the record, that i did NOT expect to this to hit me so hard  It kinda freaked me out a little.  I don't think I've ever hurt like this for someone or felt as protective/loyal. It's all just so weird. I'm sure everyone is gonna tell me that my boundaries suck and they'll have something to say. but i give no effs.

But I'm afraid once you're heart is involved...the lines are blurry and all the areas are grey. And hey...no one wrote on how to manual on how to love people well, so just shut up...or well, there are how to manuals on how to love people....but this...is different.

this is one storm, I'll run into willingly.

So blog, who's name will be....Lela because it means loyalty. You're gonna keep all my secrets so i don't end up saying something i shouldn't. .