On kitchens and cars

I've been listening to "Bittersweet" on audiobook again. I've now listened to it about 4 times. It's 1000% worth the listen.  

I listen to it when I need to remember where to find God outside of Sunday mornings, and in the midst of the ever chaotic rhythms of every days life. For whatever reason this book reminds me that our big God who so often feels like just a spectator in my life is also the God of small, every day things. The every day things that I fold up in the memory and file away for safe keeping on days that feel especially fuzzy. 

Today I was just reminded over and over again about connection and about sacrificial love, and how the way my life looks right now is sacred and special. And tries hard to reflect the love of Jesus. Although super, super messy and often falling so far short of anything even remotely resembling Jesus. 

I've learned more in the last 3 years about being broken but strong. Being vulnerable and resilient, being honest  and loving people well than I think i ever have. 

I've learned that sometimes there is literally nothing you can say. Nothing. So you saddle right up to people and sit with them until they fall asleep or the hard hurts less. 

Sometimes you're chopping or drinking tea at a table, but you have something to hang on to while you talk about what breaks your heart or listen and someone tells you what has broken theirs, what their dreams are that they wont say out loud to just anyone, and how you wrestle with the uncertainty of what's coming down the pike. ( or is pipe?). 

or you're in the car with no where else to go, as one hears something tell you their issues with image or weight or self esteem and you try really hard to keep the tears in your eyes that you can feel the tears burning because you're sad they've ever had to feel that while  being able to 100% relate.... or having them call out the honest truth about the reasons why you seem to be stuck in a rut, while you hold your seat belt because everything feels so real. 

I truly believe the first act of love is listening. The second is probably eye contact. Seeing people is important.

I've learned a lot in the last three years among them include how to chop an onion, how to "tear" lettuce not chop it, how i immediately disagree when someone tells me somethings that's 100% true about myself, how important listening is (though sometimes i like to throw my 32 cents in and fill silence with words because anxiety), and that I get to spend my time with AMAZING humans. Like who just embody goodness. Seriously. I get so weepy thinking about it. 

Tonight, more than ever, i've been so thankful for this life. For the people who have come along side of me, for the people with whom i share my life. For the people who share their lives with me so completely.  I'm so thankful for the endless hours of laughter and chopping and cooking and learning, but also for the hard stuff, for living intentionally, to believing in the same Jesus. and for overlaps and the continuing, and for tears shed freely especially when you don't mean to expose that much of your heart. 

So many people don't get to have people in their lives who make you want to be more like Jesus. People who are just good, and honest, and pure....even when they're bossy. 

Tonight, i'm saying extra prayers of thanks for this life, for tables and tears and bonds tethered by life unexpected and an ever faithful Jesus. For knowing and being known. 

This is a hard life, but it's a beautiful, good life. I'm holding it extra close to me tonight. 

and some day i'll write something that isn't just emotional. Maybe. 

Learning to love your legs: Doing the hard stuff.

Body image issues and girls go together like salt and pepper, peanut butter and jelly, ice cream and bad break ups.

Turns out that you almost always find one with the other. I don't like ice cream so bad break ups  of any kind for me mean more kitchen floor resets and like...brownies or chips.  Perhaps a reason why loving my legs is hard.

a n y w a y....

If you're wondering, I don't look like super model coke bottle. I don't need to lifted from my house from a crane, though. To be honest, I don't remember when I started scrutinizing every last imperfection of my body, probably somewhere around the age of 14 or 15. Maybe younger, honestly. I've always been athletic-ish....like i'm pretty strong, but i've also always been sort of on the chubby side. I remember being in Sears looking for swimsuits and i must have been like  8 or 9 and that is the very first time i remember feeling fat and sad about it.

But don't feel bad for little me. She grew up just fine. She found her self confidence...for the most part. And she had a mother who taught her that beauty has more to do with your heart than your face or waist line and a dad who told her she was beautiful all the time.

I'm lucky, really, I am, but i am also at the mercy of a society who values physical beauty, and i have really beautiful friends...so the image thing...is just kind of there. I don't let it get the best of me, although i feel like i spent my senior year of high school and my entire college career on the verge of an eating disorder.  It's actually in college when I started to spend a lot of time staring at myself in the mirror. Wondering why my face was so chubby, my boobs were small and i just wasn't that pretty. Why didn't I look more like my friends, the ones that the boys paid attention to.  Like why was my lot in life to be the chubby, funny, best friend/wing woman? (PS. I'd take being funny over pretty almost every day of the week, now).

I just want to yell at 20 year old me. STOP IT. YOU ARE FINE. The older i've gotten the more I've settled into myself. I like my butt and my nose. I also have mostly straight, mostly white teeth that I feel pretty okay about.

But I hate my legs. LIke SO MUCH. Thunder thighs. Tree trunks....and whatever other creative name that means i don't have runway model legs. My calves are huge....which makes cute boots near to impossible. My thighs make jeans an ORDEAL.  Like i buy nice semi-expensive jeans only to have replace them because THIGH RUB.  I mean... Come on. I refuse to wear a lot of dresses that are cut above the knee to avoid judgement about my snow flake, dimply thigh area that's exposed.

And forget shorts. Gone are the days I can run around in shorts and feel the summer breeze on the freshly saved legs. Those days hit the road prior to high school.

This summer, on a feeling spending situation at Target,  I bought a pair of sleep shorts. I get hot at night sometimes but i refuse to just not wear pants to bed. You can sleep in as little as you want, i sleep in a T-shirt and leggings or sweats. Until this summer, this summer I wear shorts.

I don't wear these in public or even around the house really. Though, I've been  known to sport them roudn the house from time to time. But i put them on and stand in front of the mirror, and I just look at myself until I can see past what my brain in an anxious frenzy tells me i look like...until i see past what i HATE and start to see the truth. (PS I half-heartedly apologize for the amount of run-ons/over use the the word "and" you'll read today).

The truth is pretty simple. I'm not that gross. Actually. I'm not gross at all. I don't actually look as much like a whale, blimp, manatee ....whatever as i think i do. I look at myself until I see that my legs are strong. They carry me places, the are athletic, they are capable. And it's starting to get easier to look at myself in the mirror.

 I know that staring at yourself in the mirror probably isn't a hard thing. We all do it  multiple times a day. But i think learning to love yourself is a hard thing and I think it's a always a work in progress.

So I kind of decided, with this shorts thing, that this summer will be a summer where i try to do hard things. Like loving my tree trunk legs.

But also,  making peace with developing parts of myself. To be on a continuum of learning how to forgive people. How to honor past seasons but not be stunted by them. To live a life of gratitude. These are hard things which wont get accomplished over a short summer,  but I think they are worth the effort.

Like my old best friend is getting married in one month. We had a big falling out. I hurt her a lot, and as a direct result we are pretty much no longer friends. I am not invited to the wedding that I would have been in had things gone differently. I am not invited to the wedding that two of my other best friends (former, really) are ushers in. These boys were mine long before she laid any claim to them and yet here we are. I'm the odd one out.

And it's okay, mostly. Because I'm mostly happy for her, and I'm mostly over it because i know that we were all a season and it was hard and lovely, but now it's over. I'm learning how to close chapters but to be honest, i'm pretty bad at it. I sometimes think about the things i would say in the speech i would want to give. I think about how I would cry watching her choose this boy because it took a lot of hard falls and skinned knees to get her to this point. And sometimes I miss the idea of her.

Selfishly, my chances of being a godparent or a fake aunt or giving one last killer wedding speech went out with the closing door of our Summit apartment, as did the idea of best friends. The death of my idea of best friendship is something I still get sad about sometimes.  Because I've lost the concert buddy, the roadtrip partner, the all other duties as needed, person.

And as an only child, it was kind of an important thing.

But, again, it's okay. Because I love my life and the people in it, and so does she.  And that's the goal right?

Well, all that nonsense aside,  I got her a card and i've been really thinking hard about what i will write in it because with the stamped envelope, this chapter will end. And it will end on a note where i tell her how much I love her, and how grateful I am for our season, and how I'm so happy for her and wish her nothing but amazing things ( I really didn't mean for that to sound like an Adele song).

And that's kind of hard stuff. It's not as hard as learning to love your legs, but really, what is that hard?

So, as I realize that the hard stuff is not a road I want to travel alone. I pray for perspective, for eyes that see truth, for a grateful heart, and for grace for every single time I buy into lies, I trip and get discouraged.

And I'm praying for, whoever you are, as you do whatever things feel hard to you. Know that as you do them, I'm praying for you to hear kind words, for courage, for you to be surrounded by the people who will encourage you and not hold you back. I pray that you ask for the love you deserve and that you don't accept an ounce less than that. And that might sound weird since we don't know each other but I think we don't get anywhere alone and it's nice to know there are people out here who also think that. Who understand that hard stuff  is the worst.

So know as you're looking in your mirror, I'm right next to you, holding your had in solidarity, like a Red Rover line. Together, we'll shanghai the roadblocks and the lies.

Here's to you and to me, and the hard stuff. May it make us stronger, and may it reveal to us  our immense, innate value, and may we carry on like the tough cookies we are.

Well,  turns out I haven't written everyday. Who is surprised, I'm about 75%  on keeping promises lately.  Which, for me is horrible. I like to keep my word.

Although, I feel like I don't have anything to say. There is stuff cookin', it's bubbling to the surface, but much like the rest of my brain and body, my words also don't show up until they are ready.

Stubborn to the core, I am.

Anyway, what's been swirling around in my head lately is how hard life is. Seriously, it's never not hard. There are times when you have less responsibility and there are times where you have more money but you're always trying to figure it out. Whatever it is, and you're trying to do it without completely losing your shit.

Which, if i'm honest, for me is a 50/50 possibility at best.

What i'm realizing though, is the stuff that matters, is 100% the small stuff.  I think remembering friends drink orders is important. I think showing up and doing things for people even when they refuse your help, matters.  I think telling the truth, is hard.  I think its important to hold the people that mean something to you, accountable for their actions. I think sometimes telling the truth backfires and breaks your heart.

But you should do it anyway.

You shouldn't wait on apologies, they might never come.  You should offer forgiveness freely, but that's also hard, the work to get there, though, is worth it.

Seasons. They are real. I'm usually unaware a season is coming to a close, I'm usually trecking like everything is normal and everyone else is like packing up to move on, when i finally turn around to be like "guys. come on." The season has already changed, and there i am looking like big dummy and unsure how to both mourn/honor what happened and move on simultaneously.  It still struggle with it. There are chapters that keep wanting to close and i keep forcing them opening, hoping that maybe this time things will be different. Maybe this time things could be like they were. This time, things wont hurt so bad.

But the nature of seasons is that they keep coming and we go along with them for better or worse.  I'm learning to let go, which is hard. because life. right? And emotions.

I really do love my life. I love my people so much. I love my job and i love this city. I have so much to be thankful for. The gratitude is not lost on me.

i have  a lot to say...but my head is getting fuzzy. Maybe it's because i did not speak to another human begin this weekend. imma stop here...and try to think of something more eloquent to write tomorrow.

Because i have nothing to do tomorrow. I'm getting a job next summer.  this shit is for the birds.

She is bright lights and city scapes.....

I cry about pretty much everything. Happy or sad if it's something to cry about...and even if it's not...I'll send some tears for it.

And I haven't really cried in a while....minus a funeral.  I haven't actually shed any tears in months.


Which is totally unlike me.

This week, i've been weepy a handful of time. Which I attribute to flood gates open and my brain allowing myself to feel things in a way that in genuine and not so much...sassy.

Sassy is usually just cover to hide the actual feeling.

Sometimes i get overwhelmed by community. The roads it took everyone to get to this spot and how God is so faithful.

People show up. they pay tribute to seasons....and people....and jobs well done.

people are beautiful and assholes all at the same time, but we loved them despite it.

The Millennial's Guide to dating....

So here's the summer social experiment:

My friend Kaleb and I are going to online date on there different free sites and blog about our experience.

Our goal is talk about the experience from a male perspective and female perspective. We'll learn what do to do and what not to do from messaging to first dates. We might even find out the best and worst first date spots and activities.

It's going to be....well, hopefully fun and hopefully educational. I don't think either of us is taking it seriously like we are going to find someone we'd marry, but we're more just looking for some good stories and some writing material.

Honestly, I probably wouldn't do this with anyone else besides Kaleb, he's funny and smart and will absolutely go on this adventure with me. He's a keeper. According to the site we are on now, we are only 63% compatable and he's 25% my enemy. I literally don't even know what that means...

So, we'll have a blog, and we'll have an into video (hopefully) from the two us and then you'll get to read about our experience.

I haven't spent a lot of time reading my messages yet. To be clear, i don't have a shit ton, but i have some...i'll sit down and look at them soon. I already have so many things to say.

I really hope we can get a guest blogger or two to write about their dating experience or lack there of....too...

Bascially i'm for sure going to make lisa guest blog because people probably need to hear what she has to say and she's funny and smart.

so stay tuned. If you think this seems weird because i'm not a dating type girl...you'd be 100% right. Part of this has got me all kinds of anxious because rejections is weird....but i'm doing it for the people...

and ihonestly think this could be something super fun.

onward and upward, yall.

I'm going to write something tomorrow maybe...that has more depth and thought put into it.

Today is national best friend day. I think national days are dumb, but i think friends are great. 

I would like to pay tribute to my fave girl. My Anne Perkins, my Melissa McCarthy.  Because she's a cool girl who does a lot of amazing things for other people without ever needing to be noticed for it. 

She loves Jesus and her family something fierce.  She so funny and so sassy and so kindhearted it makes me both weepy and jealous. 

Kinda hit the jackpot with this one. I've learned so much about myself, and hard work and cooking and marriage and parenting and life from this firecracker.  I'm so, so, so thankful. 

She kept me alive, and employed and sat through hours and hours of me weeping and saying the same thing over and over and over again because my heart was super broken...and i kept throwing the pieces around and she kept picking them back up and giving them to me. 

She is a straight up boss in the kitchen and in the world. We're so lucky to have her. 

I just thank Jesus for her a lot because what a gift. 

Today was been a day. My allergies are bad and I cried (those things are not related). 

Brained stormed a summer project with a friend. more to come. 

I get to be a Girl Friday, tomorrow. I just watched that movie today, It was adorbs. 

I'm kind of excited to run someone else's errands. I like running errands. 

i will have more to say tomorrow. Im tired and my eyes hurt. 

Also, I feel like i've been discovered. I didn't think anyone read this that knows me...but i'm beginning to think i'm wrong. 

Which is fine, but also...i verbal vomit here a lot. 

AHHH WHAT IS HAPPENING. 

Manic mondays.

Today people make me sad and are generally disappointing.

and some days i feel alone, and that's not so much fun.


And that's all i have to say about that.

Life is tough, my darling, but so are you.

Okay, I've blogged every day since i've declared that's what i'm going to do, but it's June 5th and I only have 5 entries so i would like it to be even Stevens.

And I really rock a list so here are somethings I'm super into as for 10:10 tonight.

1. Lavender Lattes
2. Tennessee Williams
3. Graphic T-shirts.
4. Say Yes To Coconut lip balm
5.  The Lumineers
6.  My new nail polish. It's OPI Retro colors in "Sailing it and Nailing it" I CANNOT EVEN.
7.  The notes app on my phone
8.  Making playlist.
9. Dresses
10. NAVY BLUE and white.
11. stripes.
12. The idea that there is an entire summer that lays a head of me.
13. the smell of fresh cut grass
14. the way it feels right after it rains and the humidity drops and it smells amazing
15. being on or near the water.
16. Eau Claire.
17. tumblr. yes. i know. SO STUPID but i cannot help it.
18. tan lines
19. flip flops
20. iced tea
21. best friends.
22. buying white converse.
23. underwear with lace tops
24. jeans. especially distressed ones.
25. Top knots even though my hair is currently to short for them
26. having matching finger and toe nails.
27. Parks and Rec.
28. Having my college girls home
29. Coffee
30. SEEING MY FAMILY SOON.

Smiling but we're close to tears....

i have had exactly 37 coffees and almost nothing else today...so gibberish to follow, i'm sure.

Sundays are something else, man. We very much have a love/hate relationship. Sometimes they are full of people i love, waffles and coffee. History and Sunday diners and wine and laughter.

Sometimes they are reminders of the way things used to be, and struggle and life being complicated and messy.

Whatever way they decide to be, they are always full of Jesus whether i've been to church or not. He always finds me, sometimes it's sneaks up on me and blindsides me. Other times,  I'm willingly moved and convicted.

More often than not, though, it's the sneaky Jesus that gets me. That teachers me. That levels me in a way that I 100% don't understand but 1000% need.

I woke up not wanting to go to church. It's been that way for a minute. It's not anything bad, no real reason i don't want to go, I'm just too lazy.

Today i decided while i was in the shower that i should go. Making the treck to St. Paul is not a hardship. St. Paul is my girl.  i needed to get my ass in gear and get there.

And it was one of those services that gets you right in the heart. First when i walked in i saw some old Gallery people, which was...well, it was what it was. i could take it or leave it. As i looked into church further, i saw Jabs and i caught my breath a little.

And since i was there alone. I sat by him and alee. It's the first time i'd ever sat by him in a real church service, and for some reason it was super profound.  The weird thing, though is that he feels like a little bit of a stranger. Completely my fault.  Our conversation stayed fairly surface level but we both giggled about how we were pretty sure that the writers of the bible quoted the angles wrong when they said "Look, you need to get out of here" and collective giggling from an old friend is my favorite thing.

Anyway, worship made me weepy, and the message was just so good and i was just overwhelmed with gratitude for how life kind a circles on itself and Jesus is just always in the business of redemption and that's beautiful.

I also on a whim to decided to text Melissa because i was obviously feeling all the things, and it was sweet and we laughed and i told her i was sitting next to Jabs at church. All those years of trying to get  him to come with us and here he was.

What i decided today was that I am my own problem. I've been spending a lot of time feeling so much guilt and shame for losing myself and trying to fix it, when i can't, i just end up making myself crazy and sad. I really do just need to move forward and build on whats in front of me. These people, they were my people, they KNOW me, and that doesn't change. Bumps happen, falling outs happen, but really i feel like they'd have my back if i need them. And i feel like i've built up these weird walls to keep people out and away from my heart and i've been hiding for god only know what reason...but lately, the walls are coming down and  for better or worse i'm working my way back to who i am. It's just taken a while longer that I expected.

I think God needed to remind me that we are made to be in community together, that there is no point in feeling guilt and shame and you can always come back home. You can't change the past just as much as you can't plan for the future. So be where you are with what you have and just love people well.

So then i drove to Eau Claire because sometimes you need to roll around in the the places that loved you well and taught you a lot to feel like yourself. And i needed to process and drive and feel everything. The best way to do that for me is in the car headed to a place where i belong.

I unequivocally believe in belonged to places. Your stories and memories stored safely in walls and floor slats and on bar stools and in the rocks that the water hits. You become part of that place and it holds on to important memories for safe keeping.

So, Eau Claire because i fucking had to.

Then i went to see Julia because i missed her.  It was lovely and not just because she made me a drink with coconut/lavender infused syrup.  History is important, even the hard stuff, and Jesus is about restoration and we should celebrate our stories and how we're in this together.

I'm thankful for so much. For this life, even the parts of it that have kicked my ass. I've learned so much about who i am and who God is.

I needed to remember some things today.

And every other cheesy cliche....

So many things, but also, I'm feeling super lazy and writing seems like a lot of work right now.

However, day four of making my bed and also I walked like a boss in heels today for the first time in a long while. 

I didn't fall once. So, basically I'm killing it. 

Today, I was at a wedding. Normally, I'm a hopelessly romantic and the entire idea of a wedding is beautiful to me. Today, not at all. Being at a wedding alone is the absolute worst. Literally everyone is currently in love and looking forward to actually saying "i do" or there are people who have been or are married remembering their wedding day and just being in love. 

ugh. Today it was annoying. So there i was with all the kids just being like...what is even happening. 

Anyway. I'm wasn't having it. Most of the time I'm just super fine with everything, i even 3rd wheel like a boss but at a wedding when everyone else has someone to slow dance with. UGH. WHAT IS MY LIFE. 

I just want a boy to take me to brunch and kiss my forehead and then my lips when he sees me for the first time in a day. A GIRL CAN DREAM. 

but honestly, how annoying is that complaining? So annoying.  I'm done. 

But also today, I walked into a Starbucks in St. Paul. A Starbucks that i've been in a billion times, and today, of all days, it reminded of a summer in Chicago. It was the strangest thing and the feeling was so strong.  I don't know if a memory blindside you out of nowhere, but it literally happens to me all the time. I love it, I love when memories hit you so hard that you can feel exactly the way you did when it was happening and the memory just sticks with you for a minute. 

I must have been 19? I  remember being downtown with Laura and Brian. It was hot (becuase summer), humid and dark. Like the sun had gone down hours ago. So it's was probably like 11? We has been just walking and talk and strolling for hours. I remember feeling so happy to be with them. To not have a plan further than "we'll see where the night takes us."  I pretty much fell in love with Chicago the first time I was ever there. It was big and busy, and so foreign from anything that sleepy Green Bay had to offer. But this trip, I remember falling in love with the Chicago that my friends knew, I fell in love with the places that Brian loved, because it was a part of Brian that I didn't get to see all the time. It was one of the first times i remember looking at all of and realizing that we were growing up. I know that probably sounds dumb, but it was a an "a-ha" moment of "hey, we're all making our ways in this world and we're all still friends." It's like that summer was starting to teach me that everything works out the way it's meant to. 

ANYWAY

Right before we hit up a hooka bar (which i demanded because i had no idea what the hell it was) we hit a Starbs on a side street in a giant building that looked like it was just made of glass. I don't remember what I ordered because i'm pretty sure I wasn't super good at ordering coffee yet because sleepy Green Bay wasn't that fancy. I do remember though, that  there was a out door patio situation. You know the kind that is basically just a sidewalk but they put some plants outside to make it look nicer and like it's supposed to be like that. Meanwhile they people who actually need to walk on the sidewalk have to walk in the street because of the aforementioned homemade patio situation. 

I remember thinking how cool it was that coffee shops stayed open late, and that people drank coffee this late at night and we were LIVING. We were navigating a big city all by our little selves, we were laughing and killin it. It was then that i decided that my heart could be in multiple places. Part of it will always be in Green Bay but the other part belonged to bigger cities and adventure and my sweet, sweet friends who were figuring it out along side me. 

And it was a beautiful feeling. I imagine it's kind of the way Carrie Bradshaw felt when she realized she loved New York. 

I think i could love New York, too. I just need to get there. 

Come sing to me babe, i'll be your dash board drummer.

I've been going to an abundance of grad parties. They are all delightful and full of the faces I miss seeing everyday.

Grad parties make me feel so much nostalgia. I remember the exact feeling of being a graduated senior. The feeling of having accomplished a lot and also feeling like i knew nothing and feeling the excitement and terror that lay before me.

Adulthood was a magical world of no rules and endless possibilities that I could not wait to get my hands on.

That summer, the summer of my senior year,  was magic. I can remember exactly how everything felt. How I held on to every moment with my friends and how i quietly panicked at night that i wasnt quite ready to be thrust out into the world. I was afraid of what would change, and if i could hack it out there in the world.

And if i could tell these 18 years anything, I would tell them to savor everything. These days are fleeting and adulting is cool, but you have the rest of your life to be an adult. Slow down, babies, enjoy this because you can't get this back.

Love your friends well. Spend time with them. Making as many memories as you can. Stay up late. Get up early, get a tan, listen to music loud, and work hard.

Love your family. They have made sure to keep you alive and they've loved you as best they could. Return the favor. Spend time with them because as much as it doesn't feel like it now, you'll miss them. You'll miss the familiarity and the comfort of home and being known and the quiet safety it brings.

I don't take it lightly that i get to know these kids and i get to walk with them through these years. I love my job. I'm so lucky.

If i know you at all, i know you've gone too far

I'm obsessed with the song "stars" by Grace Potter and the Noctunals. I don't know why.


I have decided that I want to be the kind of person who makes her bed every day.  Clean sheet day is literally something I look forward to. Turning down and climbing into a bed what is made is something that i appreciate about clean sheet day. That and wrapping myself up in the scent of clean laundry and the feel of crisp cool sheet. Especially in the summer, with the bedroom windows open, after a shower where youve just shaved your legs.  It's one of my favorite feelings.

So, I want to be a person who makes her bed everyday because it's a little like clean sheet day every day, and it makes me feel like an adult, and i'm real into that lately.

Also, as for my summer rhythm, I'm working it out. I think it's going to be along the lines of wake up, shower, breakfast, read for fun, read for school, write, spend as much time as possible outside, projects, coffee, walk/work out, run around the city and love everything and be incredibly grateful for this life i have. And, i guess the older i get, the most i realize that the things i love about life aren't things that have anything to do with money or status. They're simple and mostly free and without them life would not even be worth living. I care deeply about people and relationhips and memories and the way spring smells, and the way it feels to drive with the windows down in the summer with sun kissed skin and your favorite songs playing.

Speak of  this life. 31 has done something to me. It's made me...apathetic? no, more secure? Like I just don't worry about things like I used to. Most days I feel okay to good in my skin, and I just don't want to waste energy on being bitter or angry or hurt. I've spent too much time in the last part of my 20's feeling like a sad puppy and i'm just over it.

Today I also had the realization that when you're doing what you should be and spending time with the people who are good for you, life is better. It's still hard, and it's still exhausting, but you don't mind the work, or you do, but it's not the worst.

Taking time to just be happy is not time wasted.

Also, I've been and will continue to read books on writing for school purposes, obviously, but also because i want to spend time with good writing and good techniques. I want to know if you can teach someone to be a good writer or if you just are one by design.

So there's that. In addition, I made a bunch of kids answer the question: "what do you unequivocally believe in?" I have my own list. So...here.

1. Jesus. Obviously.
2. Having at least one pair of good jeans that make your butt look great.
3. Saying thank you
4. saying I love you.
5.  Laughter has the power to heal
6. things getting better.
7. hard work.
8. best friends
9. pinkie promises
10. the best moments in life being simple and quite and unsuspecting.

oh. what do you unequivocally believe in? I'm done rambling for now. See you tomorrow!