The heart is a lonely hunter....

Sometimes i come completely unglued. and it's unattractive.

In which i also copy people because i think it's funny....

My words fall out

before i can gather them up 

and shove them back in 

they've scattered into 3904 different 

patterns, and the rise and fall of my voice

tells you i'm scared.

so i stand, with my heart 

exposed

pumping blood as if 

one more word will make it stop

or blood will squirt everywhere 

Waiting for "you" to just 

give up.

because who can deal with the 

constant flow of words

half of which aren't even nice

how can the way i hear me

be so very different than 

how the words sounds echoing off 

everyone else hearts?

I don't like apologizing

for not know how to 

arrange my thoughts 

into perfect rows of 

sense 

set on selves 

housing every 

thought that i kept in

a library full of words 

unspoken

no, i speak them

they are shattered 

on the floor

they are spattered 

on the wall 

they are the grass stains 

on my jeans

because i am wild at heart

and in thought 

and deed

i love and live with reckless abandon 

and when i learn that it's ....unattractive 

or it makes people 

not like me

i gather my words and try to 

corral them

so my heart beats and my head thinks

too much

as the more i try to quite 

the noise 

the more it pushes on the teeth 

to let them out

and then the flood gates open

and i'ts full of i'm sorries 

and please don't do anything differently 

i'll fix it.

when really all i want 

is for you to hug me

and tell me that you love me.

but even those words seem hallow

and i don't know why

and i'll gather my pages of

insecurities  off the floor 

i'll sweep the scraps under the rug

i'll put them away for another time

when i'm sure what to say

or how to say it

but please know, 

i'm doing the very best i can. 

this song though. Its my childhood.

i write mostly on hotel paper....

I really wish people knew that all I need on most days when i'm scared or insecure or whatever....

is just a hug and to tell me you love me. i'll work on the rest

“I've spent most of my life and most of my friendships holding my breath and hoping that when people get close enough they won't leave, and fearing that it's a matter of time before they figure me out and go.” 

“But this is what I'm finding, in glimpses and flashes: this is it. This is it, in the best possible way. That thing I'm waiting for, for that adventure, that movie-score-worthy experience unfolding gracefully. This is it. Normal, daily life ticking by on our streets and sidewalks, in our houses and apartments, in our beds and at our dinner tables, in our dreams and prayers and fights and secrets - this pedestrian life is the most precious thing any of us will ever experience.” 

sometimes truth is hard to stomach

there are days when I stare in the mirror and wonder what in the world is wrong with me.

and i love Jesus and i know the truth about his love for me, but still, i stare in the mirror and wonder why i'm not skinnier or prettier or why there isn't a boy who wants to love me.

it's just life, and it's not all the time, but i have my days.

and when i do, it grosses me out.

i like this.

Sometimes you meet someone, and it’s so clear that the two of you, on some level belong together. As lovers, or as friends, or as family, or as something entirely different. You just work, whether you understand one another or you’re in love or you’re partners in crime. You meet these people throughout your life, out of nowhere, under the strangest circumstances, and they help you feel alive. 

Endings are usually sad, Beginnings are scary, but it's the middle the matters the most...

Dear small girls,

This is it. You made it. You're here and this is the end of your chapter at 180. The pages you've written here are full of love and laughter and joy that is straight from Jesus. And, now? Well, you're off on a new adventure, and with you, you'll take the love of this place, these people, and a God who could not be prouder of you.

You are some of God's Best work. Fearfully and wonderfully made, you are ready for whatever this new endeavor has for you. Please know that you occupy a large area of my heart. My world would spin on a much different axis without you in it. You are funny, passionate, talented, dramatic  and authentic in the best ways.  It has been an amazingly fun ride to have traveled with you this year. I have watched and advised as you've struggled to balance school and family and friends while doing it in a way that honors Jesus. It's no easy task, but you've handled it beautifully.  There have been tears, and swears and sessions of venting, and you're no worse for the wear. In fact, it's made you stronger and more beautiful.

So, as you begin to write your new chapters, here what i know for sure:

1. You are more than enough. You are complete. You are worthy of love.
2. Your value is immense
3. Your talents are many
4. You have a God who's will make beautiful things out of broken pieces
5. You should follow your heart. Try hard. Don't be afraid because with me and Jesus for you, who could ever be against you? Like actually, though?
6. You are prayed for on the daily
7. You will continue to make this world a better place.
8. I love you more than i could ever express.

Your future is unwritten, go do awesome things, love people well, and know that everything will work out exactly how it's supposed to, and when things are confusing and hard make sure you have The Bible and my phone number handy.

with love and pride,

Me.

Last night i wrote about my heart and the locust effect, tonight i told you what i really want to do with my life. and now...i want to show you celebrity best friends because i do what i want.

Most of the time i think we're too old to have Best Friends but still, it's a sweet thought to belong to someone in a platonic, kindred, soul  mate kind of way. I'd be lying if i said i wasn't in love with that idea.

The idea of understanding without saying anything, having feelings about the other person before anything is verbalized (ahem...feeling it in your spirit) Knowing someone in such a way that things, and songs and smells remind you of them....it's different than a spouse or significant other....there something so pure and innocent in finding your best pal. It's like God's way of saying, "i got you, and to prove it, here's this person" it's beautiful. it's sweet. and it's worth celebrating.


 

If Destiny called and i missed my cue....

Here's what i've decided.  I don't think there is anything you're "supposed" to do. What i mean by that is, i don't think you're going along in life and you, at some point, stumble upon what you're "supposed" to do.

i think that's a bunch of shit.

I think at one point, i really wanted to be a teacher, and, now, I don't. Whether you agree with me or not, that ship has sailed.  And that, ladies and gents, is what i thought I was "supposed" to do with life.

So, what now?

If everyone is supposed to do something specific, why wouldn't we just know? What is the point of the journey....especially if some people find their "supposed tos" right before they die. I Just don't think its a thing.

I also don't think God plays games with us. I dont' think we're supposed to guess what and who we are supposed to be in life. I think that we all have some cool things we can do. I think it makes us all really neat and worth knowing, but i do not think that we necessarily need to use these gifts in our career. We're just supposed to do them.

So work at Ameriprise pushin' paperwork and teach little kids spanish in your free time.

OR be a teacher and show kids who jesus is (subtly of course...separation of church and state. ahem)

I don't think God cares....he just wants you do to what you were designed to do, the choice is yours on what that looks like in your life.

Well, if you asked me what i want to do with my life. If i could have any job ever right now. Most of the time, i tell people i'd be a writer. or a nail polish namer or the person who picks songs to go on sounds tracks and in movies....

is that last one even a thing? i don't even know.  plus, i'm pretty lousy writer, no one is gonna pay money to read my word vomit...

Those are all jobs i'd love to have for real, but what i'd love to do is start a nonprofit with my best girl and a team of really awesome people.

And we make a dent in all the darkness.

It's not fancy, or exotic or anything that makes money, but it is absolutely what would give my heart the largest amounts of joy and we write about what we're doing, and we'd bring all the things you're afraid of admitting exist, right on your front door.

We'd empower, we'd restore, we'd bring jesus and love to people and places who desperately need it.

And we'd do it in an authentic, real, grassroots kind of way.

Not because we're mimicking Jen Hatmaker or Bob Goff or Shane Claiborne or anyone else....but because we are passionate about doing something worth while. something that will make a difference.

I'm a doer, I'm a dreamer, too, obviously, but mostly i'm a doer. And I'd like to be doing some good in a world that so desperately needs it.

So, until such time where i run a non profit that is kicking ass and taking names for Jesus. I will continue to press on with my really vague treasure map that is my life in a search for a life that will bring glory and honor that is worthy of being called a Christ Follower.

And i think that's all you can really ask of anyone.

this is the sweetest thing ever.....

23 Hopes For My Girlfriends, The Real Loves Of My Life | Thought Catalog

break my heart for what breaks yours......

First, let me start by saying, I know full well, how "first worldy" this is going to sound, and the fact that i'm blogging about it makes it trendy...all the cool kids are blogging about all the worlds problems.

Also, I need to say that I have about a billion things in my head, things about God, and Mothers Day and my place in this world that are waiting for their moment to pop on out of my head. Currently, it's a crowed place, so forgive in my thoughts seem fractured and half formed.

They are, but I need to make room and I need my heart for find a little peace.

That being said, here is the back story you need to know: I decided to challenge myself to read all the books found in a basket in my friends house. There are a lot of books and  I wanted to get through them by the end of the summer. I no longer think that's feasible. The first book i read was a dime a dozen leadership book...so i was flying pretty high on the confidence train that i could whip through these no problem.

And then the Locust Effect happened. And it has wrecked me. Completely.

Now to be fair i know about sex trafficking, slavery and the like. I like to think i'm worldly in that respect but this book....is making me come undone.

Seriously. The stats. The psychology around what people prey on the poor, why being hungry is more than just food. What it means to vulnerable, what poverty looks like, what violence and corruption does to a country, to it's people, how anyone has any resolve to get up in the morning is beyond me.

And here i sit, safely, a white woman in a America reading about Africa and Asia and South America. How poverty, violence, and lack of education are literally plauging these places. millions of girls are being beaten and killed and devalued on the daily because they were born poor.

I have no words. Not a one.

Then reading about property grabbing in Uganda, the words literally leaped off the page. Because it becomes more real when you know about the place they're writing about because people you love went there to try to bring justice to the voiceless.

Trafficking, and poverty have names and they belong to 9, 10, 18 year old boys and girls who are being rapped, enslaved and beaten in a place where it seems God has forgotten about.  And the worst, most gut wrenching part of it, is that in most countries, the things they are doing to their people are illegal....but no one is there to bring justice.  What the fuck?

The majority of the world lives on less than 5 dollars a day.

and i complain about not having gas money because i'm stupid with my money.

I have no idea what to even do.  Thank God there are people like Gary Haugen and IJM who run heart first into the darkness shining as many lights as possible doing the most amazing things.

but they cant be the only ones.

I'm sitting here thinking about trying to live off of $2 a day for a week, just to kind of understand the struggle. But even that seems stupid, and first world-y and somethings that's been done a billion times over.

We can save girls, we can educate people, we can give money, but how in the world do we change cultures?

I have no answers. only many, many questions and a heart that doesn't understand but faith in a God who is bigger and promises restoration.

So my suggestion is while i'm not totally done with the Locust Effect, because i can honestly only read so much at one time....everyone should read it, and get wrecked by it and then find a way to change the world.

because everyone is depending on it.

I am so ready to get my hand dirty with something that breaks my heart but also makes it beat real hard.

so that's fun.