Where there is no way, you make a way....

Here's the funny thing about the heart: it does what it wants. Completely.

there is no reasoning with it, or rationalizing. 

It simply feels what it feels,it wants what it wants,  loves what it loves, and bleeds for what it bleeds for, there is no stopping it or slowing it down. The heart does what it will....

And every heart, if you listen closely, will tell you what matters. A check list of what means the most.  A map of things most sacred, a timeline of  rose colored, bittersweet memories. 

It has rooms for people to stay in for as long as they're able.  

It's strong, the heart. It pumps full and hard, but it's also fragile when it's held in other peoples hands. 

The willingness it has to beat outside your body, on your sleeve,  to let people hold it, take a space in it,...that's amazing and brave and horribly risky. 

Because every once and a while it breaks, sometimes it shatters, pieces everywhere like confetti or glass flying everywhere....sharp jagged pieces that....hurt and cut deep...they are everywhere it would seem. 

and at the point of impact, you watch it, lying in pieces, no sign of life....and you're certain that there is no way it will ever beat or pump loud and hard again.  How could it? How could these pieces ever find their way back?

But then, slowly and faintly, it starts. That familiar, constant sound. The thud that you remember. It begins again. and the pieces, they find their way back, and the scars are signs of strength and survival..that tell a story of who we are and where we've been. 

tonight, i'm thankful for hearts, and the people who take up room in them. 

On Homecomings....

*i wrote this last year, when my friend got back from DC and when i felt like people were finding their way home* 

This seems oddly appropriate as i feel like i'm putting on parts of my old self like a favorite sweater, coming back to the best parts of who i am. It's like the snow is melting, the fog is lifting and for the first time in a minute i can see the promise of the future, when you're rooted in the right things. 

Put your blue jeans back on....

Nothing sweeter 

than laughter

hugs and reuniting 

after months

or days 

or years. 

coming (back) together 

exactly how its supposed to be

homecomings are beautiful 

and tragic 

knowing that you belong somewhere 

but have to leave to figure out where 

your hat truly hangs

adventures are necessary 

and encouraged to become 

all that you're supposed to be

a better version 

the most you you're able to be

Well wishes, and goodbyes escape mouths 

 unintentionally 

knowing that there is a place for you

at my table and at the foot of my bed 

and a coffee cup

waiting to hear of all that's happened

stiring spoons, taking sips, 

unloading, uncovering 

all the mystery

the world has for us 

together. 

Welcome home,indeed 

it's about time you hopped back 

into where you belong

We've been waiting. 

and no one belongs here more than you.

I'm the number one fan of the man from Tennessee

here is a list of thing i'm currently lovin'

1. spring 

2. daffodils 

3, peach iced tea 

4. iced coffee in mason jars 

5. typography....not doing it, simply appreciating it. 

6. daily devos 

7. the smell of rain 

8. my magnolia and pistachio body wash. it smells heavenly. 

9. my country music playlist 

10. making people playlists 

11. the table. always. the table forever

12. antiques.....always and forever. 

13. the color green. and yellow. *ahem....not in the packer sense* 

14. the song "here coms the sun" and "please come to boston" 

15. being crafty. currently i'm working on a making a flower garland.

16. typewriters

17.  gold jewelry

18. tshirts 

19 boyfriend jeans

20. being on book launch teams

21. watching weird documentaries 

22. rewatching old tshows

23. memoirs....again....always and forever, 

24. feel good songs 

25.floral prints 

26, raspberries and clementines 

27, my people 

28. the way wind swirls around when it's warm 

29. spring sales 

30. the promise of newness that spring brings. 

I thought if i could touch this place or feel it, this brokenness inside me might start healing....

If you've known me of any period of time, you'll know that i'm a nervous creature.

I use humor and sass to divert you from the fact that i'm scared, sometimes i get lonely, and most of the time, i feel like I've failed someone or something.

Sometimes i want so badly to find normal, that i'll coast and grab hold of whatever is in front of me and hold on for dear life because transitions are harder lately.

I don't' really land on my feet, i trip and fall and tumble down 10 flights of stairs. The last time i transitions i had a broken heart, and spirit and a no job or car or plan.

This time,though very different, feels very similar because fear has a way a penetrating deep in your bones.  It's funny because i thought i would be different. People warned me and i saw it as a challenge, thinking that i could prove everyone wrong. Well, i didn't and now it feels a little bit sad.

But i need to find God in it. I need to see the good, the redemption and the blessings because they are many. I learned to love writing in a way that i hadn't ever before. I learned how to love people in a way i hadn't before. I learned what love looks like in a super pure form. I got to learn form people who are light years ahead of me. I got to laugh and love and cry with them.  In short, i got to be a part of something really, really special.

and that doesn't end just because one season of my life is ending. Door shutting for good so i can heal my little heart, and grow it bigger and stronger.

Tonight, though, i decided that i need to do things different. I need to keep my mouth shut.l I need to stop thinking that everyone is the worst. and i need to just hold on just a little bit longer. I need to open my eyes to whats around me. Who is around me  and what they need and what i can learn from them.

Sometimes, you get moments where you can see the ugly parts of yourself. The ones that you want to go away. You see it and immediately need to change, to apologize to make it right.

it's the kind of feeling that socks you right in the gut and knocks the wind out of you. It's the times where life shows you that this is not who you are. This is not how you're supposed to treat people.

it's the worst kind of reality check.

All i can say is that i will try to do better tomorrow. with new eyes.