I wanted it to be Hilary....

The past two days have been hard. Hard in a way that has caught me off guard.  I've always been excited about politics and civics. I cried when the first black man was elected and inaugurated. I believed deeply in this country and the hope of a more unified America. This year, when Hilary accepted the democratic nomination, I got choked up watching the first woman accept a nomination for president, knowing that this moment has been years in the making. The blood, sweat and tears of so many are finally being realized.

I voted proudly for Hilary Clinton, feeling confident that the glass ceiling would finally be shattered this year.

I wanted it to be Hilary for every little girl out there who ever said they wanted to be president when they grew up. I wanted it to be Hilary because she believe in equal pay for equal work.

I wanted it to be Hilary for every single mom working two part time jobs to support the babies she didn't abort. I wanted it to be Hilary because she cares about education, and achievement gaps and giving every kid their best chance. I wanted it to be Hilary because she knows that so many of our issues can begin to find resolve in investing in the education of our young people.

I wanted it to be Hilary for my gay friends who have just been given the rights that straight people have had since the beginning of time.  I wanted it to be Hilary because she couldn't give a shit what bathroom a Trans person uses. I wanted it be Hilary for the closeted hight school students who are trying to find the courage to be who they are.

I wanted it to be Hilary for every black, muslim and latino person who questioned whether or not they belonged in this country. I wanted it to be Hilary because as I look into the faces of the exchange students/adopted kids/immigrant kids in my class, I want them to know that we not only WANT them here, but NEED them here.

I wanted it to be Hilary because I wanted America to say "locker room talk" is unacceptable. I wanted it to be Hilary because sexual assault and the objectification of women has got to stop.

I wanted it to be Hilary because this country was founded on equality and religious freedom and to mandate laws based on a Christian set of values completely violates the separation of church and state.

You need to know that I love Jesus unashamedly and with passion, but also recognize that not everyone shares my beliefs in this country. My job is not to convert them.  My job is simply to see them, to know them and to love them well. That shows people more about the Gospel than any law ever could.

I love Jesus which is why I wanted it to be Hilary because racism, exclusion, and force do not look like Jesus.

But it wasn't Hilary, and I cried watching her concession speech. She's spoke with so much grace and poise and truly conceded like a winner. The ceiling may not be shattered, but it certainly has a few more cracks in it, thanks to HRC.

I would like to thank our President Elect for making me understand to a new extent how important my job as a teacher is. How fiercely I need to love every single kid in my class.  I need to tell them every day that they are important and they matter. I need to show them the Jesus that loves the widow and the orphan and the refugee.  I think we all know that there is no law that will change the hearts and minds of people, but community, connection and love will.

In order to look like Jesus you have to go to the places, talk to the people and do the things that Jesus did. You cannot do that when you're talking about building walls, deporting people and using language that causes fear.

My job is simple, and yet important. To do good. To spread love. To promote tolerance.

It wasn't Hilary, and I'm disappointed. My dad, who has always been conservative, called to tell me that he voted for Hilary and that he was sorry, and disappointed with outcome, too. My dad wanted it to be Hilary, too. He mostly wanted it for me, because he is a good and decent white man who sees other people. I am thankful that I was raised by that type of man.

I believe deeply that people are good, and that if we lead by example, this country will be okay. So i'm looking forward to the day when there will be a woman president, and women have equal pay and minorities are welcomed and celebrated. I'm going to continue to do what i can, with what I have, right where I am.

I'm praying that you do the same.

Oh, St. Peter wont you open up the big white gate.

There are a lot of people and things that are important to me. Parts of me that have only been crafted because of these things, and yet they are so much a part of me that if you asked me to list them I don't know that I could. 

I've decided to take the "people who are important to me" prompt loosely. The two people of importance are not people at all, but rather places. They are places, however, the I personify on the regular. 

First, St. Paul. She is sweet and constant and full of firsts.  The other, is Green Bay. She is hazy and warm like a summer sunset. She is the house that built me. 

I'm Nicole and I'm forever a midwestern girl. 

I was born in a sleepy Wisconsin city. A city whose streets raised me with endless hours of no handed bike rides. Whose well manicured backyards served as a breeding ground for creativity, skinned knees and grass stains. I was a rough and tumble tomboy tempered with the love of the way the stars sparkled and the big snow flakes landed on my eye lashes.  I played barbies in my pink room with dirt under my chewed nails and my softball uniform on. Green Bay encouraged me to be exactly who I was, and I loved her for it. 

She also open doors into the future, and after 18 years she released me into the wild knowing that I'd come back home any chance I got. She knew, even before I did, that before I could appreciate how special she was (is) I had to leave her, first. 

That's when I met St. Paul. Charming neighborhoods, poetic sidewalks and cathedral bells welcomed me like an old friend I had only just met. Though everything felt new and strange, it felt incredible normal and comfortable at the same time. 

It's in a tiny Summit Hill apartment with crooked, creaky wood floors in the heart of St. Paul that I met Jesus in a new way. It's here were I decided that I wanted to live a life that looked more like Jesus. Saying "yes" to this life, in this place, with a community of people I never knew couldn't live without is was sweet St. Paul has given me. 

She is the most charming in the fall, when the leaves are falling and her history is on display. She she may not be as hip as her twin sister, but she is an absolute delight. She has seen me through some of my best transitions and some of my biggest heart breaks. She saw me through the majority of my 20's. And, spoiler alert, you're 20's are fun and wild and hard. Buckle up, you're in for a treat. 

Green Bay is my forever home. The place I run to when life feels impossible, and God feels far away.  St. Paul reminds me of the infinity possibilities of new days, and endless amounts of grace. 

Green Bay reminds that I'm loved, and St. Paul reminds me that I'm forgiven. 

I'm on the hunt for who i've not yet become.....

I have always bought into the Hollywood idea that things last forever. That, at some point, there will be a happily ever after. And, I know that every romantic comedy has also taught me there is a lot of hijinks and heartbreak in the mean time. 

Hollywood has also told me that I'm an excellent supporting character, one that everyone finds endearing and the secret, unexpected treat of the show. The chubby, awkward, plain looking, single best friend who offers excellent life advice and comic relief all while bring the main character ice cream after the most recent break up with Mr. Wrong. 

I've bought in to the sex and the city arch types, and the idea of friends who just stick with each other through everything.  Not only had i bought into it, i thought i had found it. I reveled in the usness of the memories that have come in heaps for the better part of 10 years.

I was an "us" a part of we who was tethered by youth and love and having spent every day with each other for 4 years. As i sit here, i'm starting to forget what it felt like to be there, to be an us, and i swore i would never let that happen.

Turns out there are a couple of plot twists in this romantic comedy, which currently more comedy than it is romantic. Unless you count my deep love of Jimmy Fallon and my complete and total love for the happily ever after.

I feel like a minor climax to my story is that I'm starting to look at myself less as a supporting character. I've decided that maybe i'm a better person when i'm not cleaning up everyone's messes. After all the the matt across my back is not at all a cape.

So, i've recently let go of the idea that things are forever, and i'm holding on more to the idea of formative seasons, some longer than others, and ever changing as dusks turns to dawns.

This story has come around to be more about me than everyone else. Letting go of the things that are no longer meaningful is super hard. It's the bad break up scene with the bottle of tequila, the picture burning and the ice cream eating. It's a turning point.

Sometimes, turning points look like baby steps. My current quests look more like finding the jeans that make my butt look rockin', tackling the ever expanding list of books i want to read, it's taking time to enjoy exactly where i am and the opportunities that await me. It's the trip to Boston in the Fall, its being an amazing teacher who loves her job and her kids, it's making a plan to finally get her ass to Nashville, and New York, Its not worrying about if i'm going to be 100 when i get married but giving myself that permission to believe that there is a funny, dark haired boy out there who also looking for an adventure partner....and it's okay if doesn't happen the way i always thought it would.

This life is still lovely. This life is still full. There are people who love me, who know me, and who will be there, even if they haven't known me since the womb.  It's okay that I'm not wearing a best friend necklace. I like that my life is more comedy than romance because too much lovey dovey makes me gaggy.

So, i'm just here, hanging out, enjoying life until the next plot twist. Feeling a little bit lighter since I've starting letting go of the preconceived notions of what life was, what friendship was and what falling in love looked like.  I'm starting to let go of the idea of forever, and am beginning to focus on what's right in front of me.

Here we go, the end credits are not coming for sometimes.

Stay turned. I'm sure there will be more hijinks and heartbreak to come.

Outgrow

We found out stride,
our specific short hand.
A look,
a word.
A language, a world we created
together.

Promises made over late nights
cigarettes and pitchers paid for
with the change we felt was coming
pinkie swears of forever made
just to get us through tomorrow.

Nothing stays
people change
soon we look like people
we used to know.

short hand gets fuzzy,
it stops making sense
i don't even know who i am
with you.

It's time.
Band aids ripped off
the race gun shot
tears shed.

Not because what was
was perfect
but because i wanted it to be.
I wanted forever to mean just that.

but it can't, and it wont.

Here i am still believing in forever
and best friends 2 am phone calls,
"i love yous" can be real and
short hands and rose color memories

It just wasn't us,
it's just not now.
I'm cutting our proverbial ties
because i need to be set free.

I'm a better for having realized that i'm a better person without you.

good riddance to bad rubbish.

On kitchens and cars

I've been listening to "Bittersweet" on audiobook again. I've now listened to it about 4 times. It's 1000% worth the listen.  

I listen to it when I need to remember where to find God outside of Sunday mornings, and in the midst of the ever chaotic rhythms of every days life. For whatever reason this book reminds me that our big God who so often feels like just a spectator in my life is also the God of small, every day things. The every day things that I fold up in the memory and file away for safe keeping on days that feel especially fuzzy. 

Today I was just reminded over and over again about connection and about sacrificial love, and how the way my life looks right now is sacred and special. And tries hard to reflect the love of Jesus. Although super, super messy and often falling so far short of anything even remotely resembling Jesus. 

I've learned more in the last 3 years about being broken but strong. Being vulnerable and resilient, being honest  and loving people well than I think i ever have. 

I've learned that sometimes there is literally nothing you can say. Nothing. So you saddle right up to people and sit with them until they fall asleep or the hard hurts less. 

Sometimes you're chopping or drinking tea at a table, but you have something to hang on to while you talk about what breaks your heart or listen and someone tells you what has broken theirs, what their dreams are that they wont say out loud to just anyone, and how you wrestle with the uncertainty of what's coming down the pike. ( or is pipe?). 

or you're in the car with no where else to go, as one hears something tell you their issues with image or weight or self esteem and you try really hard to keep the tears in your eyes that you can feel the tears burning because you're sad they've ever had to feel that while  being able to 100% relate.... or having them call out the honest truth about the reasons why you seem to be stuck in a rut, while you hold your seat belt because everything feels so real. 

I truly believe the first act of love is listening. The second is probably eye contact. Seeing people is important.

I've learned a lot in the last three years among them include how to chop an onion, how to "tear" lettuce not chop it, how i immediately disagree when someone tells me somethings that's 100% true about myself, how important listening is (though sometimes i like to throw my 32 cents in and fill silence with words because anxiety), and that I get to spend my time with AMAZING humans. Like who just embody goodness. Seriously. I get so weepy thinking about it. 

Tonight, more than ever, i've been so thankful for this life. For the people who have come along side of me, for the people with whom i share my life. For the people who share their lives with me so completely.  I'm so thankful for the endless hours of laughter and chopping and cooking and learning, but also for the hard stuff, for living intentionally, to believing in the same Jesus. and for overlaps and the continuing, and for tears shed freely especially when you don't mean to expose that much of your heart. 

So many people don't get to have people in their lives who make you want to be more like Jesus. People who are just good, and honest, and pure....even when they're bossy. 

Tonight, i'm saying extra prayers of thanks for this life, for tables and tears and bonds tethered by life unexpected and an ever faithful Jesus. For knowing and being known. 

This is a hard life, but it's a beautiful, good life. I'm holding it extra close to me tonight. 

and some day i'll write something that isn't just emotional. Maybe. 

Learning to love your legs: Doing the hard stuff.

Body image issues and girls go together like salt and pepper, peanut butter and jelly, ice cream and bad break ups.

Turns out that you almost always find one with the other. I don't like ice cream so bad break ups  of any kind for me mean more kitchen floor resets and like...brownies or chips.  Perhaps a reason why loving my legs is hard.

a n y w a y....

If you're wondering, I don't look like super model coke bottle. I don't need to lifted from my house from a crane, though. To be honest, I don't remember when I started scrutinizing every last imperfection of my body, probably somewhere around the age of 14 or 15. Maybe younger, honestly. I've always been athletic-ish....like i'm pretty strong, but i've also always been sort of on the chubby side. I remember being in Sears looking for swimsuits and i must have been like  8 or 9 and that is the very first time i remember feeling fat and sad about it.

But don't feel bad for little me. She grew up just fine. She found her self confidence...for the most part. And she had a mother who taught her that beauty has more to do with your heart than your face or waist line and a dad who told her she was beautiful all the time.

I'm lucky, really, I am, but i am also at the mercy of a society who values physical beauty, and i have really beautiful friends...so the image thing...is just kind of there. I don't let it get the best of me, although i feel like i spent my senior year of high school and my entire college career on the verge of an eating disorder.  It's actually in college when I started to spend a lot of time staring at myself in the mirror. Wondering why my face was so chubby, my boobs were small and i just wasn't that pretty. Why didn't I look more like my friends, the ones that the boys paid attention to.  Like why was my lot in life to be the chubby, funny, best friend/wing woman? (PS. I'd take being funny over pretty almost every day of the week, now).

I just want to yell at 20 year old me. STOP IT. YOU ARE FINE. The older i've gotten the more I've settled into myself. I like my butt and my nose. I also have mostly straight, mostly white teeth that I feel pretty okay about.

But I hate my legs. LIke SO MUCH. Thunder thighs. Tree trunks....and whatever other creative name that means i don't have runway model legs. My calves are huge....which makes cute boots near to impossible. My thighs make jeans an ORDEAL.  Like i buy nice semi-expensive jeans only to have replace them because THIGH RUB.  I mean... Come on. I refuse to wear a lot of dresses that are cut above the knee to avoid judgement about my snow flake, dimply thigh area that's exposed.

And forget shorts. Gone are the days I can run around in shorts and feel the summer breeze on the freshly saved legs. Those days hit the road prior to high school.

This summer, on a feeling spending situation at Target,  I bought a pair of sleep shorts. I get hot at night sometimes but i refuse to just not wear pants to bed. You can sleep in as little as you want, i sleep in a T-shirt and leggings or sweats. Until this summer, this summer I wear shorts.

I don't wear these in public or even around the house really. Though, I've been  known to sport them roudn the house from time to time. But i put them on and stand in front of the mirror, and I just look at myself until I can see past what my brain in an anxious frenzy tells me i look like...until i see past what i HATE and start to see the truth. (PS I half-heartedly apologize for the amount of run-ons/over use the the word "and" you'll read today).

The truth is pretty simple. I'm not that gross. Actually. I'm not gross at all. I don't actually look as much like a whale, blimp, manatee ....whatever as i think i do. I look at myself until I see that my legs are strong. They carry me places, the are athletic, they are capable. And it's starting to get easier to look at myself in the mirror.

 I know that staring at yourself in the mirror probably isn't a hard thing. We all do it  multiple times a day. But i think learning to love yourself is a hard thing and I think it's a always a work in progress.

So I kind of decided, with this shorts thing, that this summer will be a summer where i try to do hard things. Like loving my tree trunk legs.

But also,  making peace with developing parts of myself. To be on a continuum of learning how to forgive people. How to honor past seasons but not be stunted by them. To live a life of gratitude. These are hard things which wont get accomplished over a short summer,  but I think they are worth the effort.

Like my old best friend is getting married in one month. We had a big falling out. I hurt her a lot, and as a direct result we are pretty much no longer friends. I am not invited to the wedding that I would have been in had things gone differently. I am not invited to the wedding that two of my other best friends (former, really) are ushers in. These boys were mine long before she laid any claim to them and yet here we are. I'm the odd one out.

And it's okay, mostly. Because I'm mostly happy for her, and I'm mostly over it because i know that we were all a season and it was hard and lovely, but now it's over. I'm learning how to close chapters but to be honest, i'm pretty bad at it. I sometimes think about the things i would say in the speech i would want to give. I think about how I would cry watching her choose this boy because it took a lot of hard falls and skinned knees to get her to this point. And sometimes I miss the idea of her.

Selfishly, my chances of being a godparent or a fake aunt or giving one last killer wedding speech went out with the closing door of our Summit apartment, as did the idea of best friends. The death of my idea of best friendship is something I still get sad about sometimes.  Because I've lost the concert buddy, the roadtrip partner, the all other duties as needed, person.

And as an only child, it was kind of an important thing.

But, again, it's okay. Because I love my life and the people in it, and so does she.  And that's the goal right?

Well, all that nonsense aside,  I got her a card and i've been really thinking hard about what i will write in it because with the stamped envelope, this chapter will end. And it will end on a note where i tell her how much I love her, and how grateful I am for our season, and how I'm so happy for her and wish her nothing but amazing things ( I really didn't mean for that to sound like an Adele song).

And that's kind of hard stuff. It's not as hard as learning to love your legs, but really, what is that hard?

So, as I realize that the hard stuff is not a road I want to travel alone. I pray for perspective, for eyes that see truth, for a grateful heart, and for grace for every single time I buy into lies, I trip and get discouraged.

And I'm praying for, whoever you are, as you do whatever things feel hard to you. Know that as you do them, I'm praying for you to hear kind words, for courage, for you to be surrounded by the people who will encourage you and not hold you back. I pray that you ask for the love you deserve and that you don't accept an ounce less than that. And that might sound weird since we don't know each other but I think we don't get anywhere alone and it's nice to know there are people out here who also think that. Who understand that hard stuff  is the worst.

So know as you're looking in your mirror, I'm right next to you, holding your had in solidarity, like a Red Rover line. Together, we'll shanghai the roadblocks and the lies.

Here's to you and to me, and the hard stuff. May it make us stronger, and may it reveal to us  our immense, innate value, and may we carry on like the tough cookies we are.

Well,  turns out I haven't written everyday. Who is surprised, I'm about 75%  on keeping promises lately.  Which, for me is horrible. I like to keep my word.

Although, I feel like I don't have anything to say. There is stuff cookin', it's bubbling to the surface, but much like the rest of my brain and body, my words also don't show up until they are ready.

Stubborn to the core, I am.

Anyway, what's been swirling around in my head lately is how hard life is. Seriously, it's never not hard. There are times when you have less responsibility and there are times where you have more money but you're always trying to figure it out. Whatever it is, and you're trying to do it without completely losing your shit.

Which, if i'm honest, for me is a 50/50 possibility at best.

What i'm realizing though, is the stuff that matters, is 100% the small stuff.  I think remembering friends drink orders is important. I think showing up and doing things for people even when they refuse your help, matters.  I think telling the truth, is hard.  I think its important to hold the people that mean something to you, accountable for their actions. I think sometimes telling the truth backfires and breaks your heart.

But you should do it anyway.

You shouldn't wait on apologies, they might never come.  You should offer forgiveness freely, but that's also hard, the work to get there, though, is worth it.

Seasons. They are real. I'm usually unaware a season is coming to a close, I'm usually trecking like everything is normal and everyone else is like packing up to move on, when i finally turn around to be like "guys. come on." The season has already changed, and there i am looking like big dummy and unsure how to both mourn/honor what happened and move on simultaneously.  It still struggle with it. There are chapters that keep wanting to close and i keep forcing them opening, hoping that maybe this time things will be different. Maybe this time things could be like they were. This time, things wont hurt so bad.

But the nature of seasons is that they keep coming and we go along with them for better or worse.  I'm learning to let go, which is hard. because life. right? And emotions.

I really do love my life. I love my people so much. I love my job and i love this city. I have so much to be thankful for. The gratitude is not lost on me.

i have  a lot to say...but my head is getting fuzzy. Maybe it's because i did not speak to another human begin this weekend. imma stop here...and try to think of something more eloquent to write tomorrow.

Because i have nothing to do tomorrow. I'm getting a job next summer.  this shit is for the birds.

She is bright lights and city scapes.....

I cry about pretty much everything. Happy or sad if it's something to cry about...and even if it's not...I'll send some tears for it.

And I haven't really cried in a while....minus a funeral.  I haven't actually shed any tears in months.


Which is totally unlike me.

This week, i've been weepy a handful of time. Which I attribute to flood gates open and my brain allowing myself to feel things in a way that in genuine and not so much...sassy.

Sassy is usually just cover to hide the actual feeling.

Sometimes i get overwhelmed by community. The roads it took everyone to get to this spot and how God is so faithful.

People show up. they pay tribute to seasons....and people....and jobs well done.

people are beautiful and assholes all at the same time, but we loved them despite it.

The Millennial's Guide to dating....

So here's the summer social experiment:

My friend Kaleb and I are going to online date on there different free sites and blog about our experience.

Our goal is talk about the experience from a male perspective and female perspective. We'll learn what do to do and what not to do from messaging to first dates. We might even find out the best and worst first date spots and activities.

It's going to be....well, hopefully fun and hopefully educational. I don't think either of us is taking it seriously like we are going to find someone we'd marry, but we're more just looking for some good stories and some writing material.

Honestly, I probably wouldn't do this with anyone else besides Kaleb, he's funny and smart and will absolutely go on this adventure with me. He's a keeper. According to the site we are on now, we are only 63% compatable and he's 25% my enemy. I literally don't even know what that means...

So, we'll have a blog, and we'll have an into video (hopefully) from the two us and then you'll get to read about our experience.

I haven't spent a lot of time reading my messages yet. To be clear, i don't have a shit ton, but i have some...i'll sit down and look at them soon. I already have so many things to say.

I really hope we can get a guest blogger or two to write about their dating experience or lack there of....too...

Bascially i'm for sure going to make lisa guest blog because people probably need to hear what she has to say and she's funny and smart.

so stay tuned. If you think this seems weird because i'm not a dating type girl...you'd be 100% right. Part of this has got me all kinds of anxious because rejections is weird....but i'm doing it for the people...

and ihonestly think this could be something super fun.

onward and upward, yall.

I'm going to write something tomorrow maybe...that has more depth and thought put into it.

Today is national best friend day. I think national days are dumb, but i think friends are great. 

I would like to pay tribute to my fave girl. My Anne Perkins, my Melissa McCarthy.  Because she's a cool girl who does a lot of amazing things for other people without ever needing to be noticed for it. 

She loves Jesus and her family something fierce.  She so funny and so sassy and so kindhearted it makes me both weepy and jealous. 

Kinda hit the jackpot with this one. I've learned so much about myself, and hard work and cooking and marriage and parenting and life from this firecracker.  I'm so, so, so thankful. 

She kept me alive, and employed and sat through hours and hours of me weeping and saying the same thing over and over and over again because my heart was super broken...and i kept throwing the pieces around and she kept picking them back up and giving them to me. 

She is a straight up boss in the kitchen and in the world. We're so lucky to have her. 

I just thank Jesus for her a lot because what a gift. 

Today was been a day. My allergies are bad and I cried (those things are not related). 

Brained stormed a summer project with a friend. more to come. 

I get to be a Girl Friday, tomorrow. I just watched that movie today, It was adorbs. 

I'm kind of excited to run someone else's errands. I like running errands. 

i will have more to say tomorrow. Im tired and my eyes hurt. 

Also, I feel like i've been discovered. I didn't think anyone read this that knows me...but i'm beginning to think i'm wrong. 

Which is fine, but also...i verbal vomit here a lot. 

AHHH WHAT IS HAPPENING. 

Manic mondays.

Today people make me sad and are generally disappointing.

and some days i feel alone, and that's not so much fun.


And that's all i have to say about that.

Life is tough, my darling, but so are you.

Okay, I've blogged every day since i've declared that's what i'm going to do, but it's June 5th and I only have 5 entries so i would like it to be even Stevens.

And I really rock a list so here are somethings I'm super into as for 10:10 tonight.

1. Lavender Lattes
2. Tennessee Williams
3. Graphic T-shirts.
4. Say Yes To Coconut lip balm
5.  The Lumineers
6.  My new nail polish. It's OPI Retro colors in "Sailing it and Nailing it" I CANNOT EVEN.
7.  The notes app on my phone
8.  Making playlist.
9. Dresses
10. NAVY BLUE and white.
11. stripes.
12. The idea that there is an entire summer that lays a head of me.
13. the smell of fresh cut grass
14. the way it feels right after it rains and the humidity drops and it smells amazing
15. being on or near the water.
16. Eau Claire.
17. tumblr. yes. i know. SO STUPID but i cannot help it.
18. tan lines
19. flip flops
20. iced tea
21. best friends.
22. buying white converse.
23. underwear with lace tops
24. jeans. especially distressed ones.
25. Top knots even though my hair is currently to short for them
26. having matching finger and toe nails.
27. Parks and Rec.
28. Having my college girls home
29. Coffee
30. SEEING MY FAMILY SOON.

Smiling but we're close to tears....

i have had exactly 37 coffees and almost nothing else today...so gibberish to follow, i'm sure.

Sundays are something else, man. We very much have a love/hate relationship. Sometimes they are full of people i love, waffles and coffee. History and Sunday diners and wine and laughter.

Sometimes they are reminders of the way things used to be, and struggle and life being complicated and messy.

Whatever way they decide to be, they are always full of Jesus whether i've been to church or not. He always finds me, sometimes it's sneaks up on me and blindsides me. Other times,  I'm willingly moved and convicted.

More often than not, though, it's the sneaky Jesus that gets me. That teachers me. That levels me in a way that I 100% don't understand but 1000% need.

I woke up not wanting to go to church. It's been that way for a minute. It's not anything bad, no real reason i don't want to go, I'm just too lazy.

Today i decided while i was in the shower that i should go. Making the treck to St. Paul is not a hardship. St. Paul is my girl.  i needed to get my ass in gear and get there.

And it was one of those services that gets you right in the heart. First when i walked in i saw some old Gallery people, which was...well, it was what it was. i could take it or leave it. As i looked into church further, i saw Jabs and i caught my breath a little.

And since i was there alone. I sat by him and alee. It's the first time i'd ever sat by him in a real church service, and for some reason it was super profound.  The weird thing, though is that he feels like a little bit of a stranger. Completely my fault.  Our conversation stayed fairly surface level but we both giggled about how we were pretty sure that the writers of the bible quoted the angles wrong when they said "Look, you need to get out of here" and collective giggling from an old friend is my favorite thing.

Anyway, worship made me weepy, and the message was just so good and i was just overwhelmed with gratitude for how life kind a circles on itself and Jesus is just always in the business of redemption and that's beautiful.

I also on a whim to decided to text Melissa because i was obviously feeling all the things, and it was sweet and we laughed and i told her i was sitting next to Jabs at church. All those years of trying to get  him to come with us and here he was.

What i decided today was that I am my own problem. I've been spending a lot of time feeling so much guilt and shame for losing myself and trying to fix it, when i can't, i just end up making myself crazy and sad. I really do just need to move forward and build on whats in front of me. These people, they were my people, they KNOW me, and that doesn't change. Bumps happen, falling outs happen, but really i feel like they'd have my back if i need them. And i feel like i've built up these weird walls to keep people out and away from my heart and i've been hiding for god only know what reason...but lately, the walls are coming down and  for better or worse i'm working my way back to who i am. It's just taken a while longer that I expected.

I think God needed to remind me that we are made to be in community together, that there is no point in feeling guilt and shame and you can always come back home. You can't change the past just as much as you can't plan for the future. So be where you are with what you have and just love people well.

So then i drove to Eau Claire because sometimes you need to roll around in the the places that loved you well and taught you a lot to feel like yourself. And i needed to process and drive and feel everything. The best way to do that for me is in the car headed to a place where i belong.

I unequivocally believe in belonged to places. Your stories and memories stored safely in walls and floor slats and on bar stools and in the rocks that the water hits. You become part of that place and it holds on to important memories for safe keeping.

So, Eau Claire because i fucking had to.

Then i went to see Julia because i missed her.  It was lovely and not just because she made me a drink with coconut/lavender infused syrup.  History is important, even the hard stuff, and Jesus is about restoration and we should celebrate our stories and how we're in this together.

I'm thankful for so much. For this life, even the parts of it that have kicked my ass. I've learned so much about who i am and who God is.

I needed to remember some things today.

And every other cheesy cliche....

So many things, but also, I'm feeling super lazy and writing seems like a lot of work right now.

However, day four of making my bed and also I walked like a boss in heels today for the first time in a long while. 

I didn't fall once. So, basically I'm killing it. 

Today, I was at a wedding. Normally, I'm a hopelessly romantic and the entire idea of a wedding is beautiful to me. Today, not at all. Being at a wedding alone is the absolute worst. Literally everyone is currently in love and looking forward to actually saying "i do" or there are people who have been or are married remembering their wedding day and just being in love. 

ugh. Today it was annoying. So there i was with all the kids just being like...what is even happening. 

Anyway. I'm wasn't having it. Most of the time I'm just super fine with everything, i even 3rd wheel like a boss but at a wedding when everyone else has someone to slow dance with. UGH. WHAT IS MY LIFE. 

I just want a boy to take me to brunch and kiss my forehead and then my lips when he sees me for the first time in a day. A GIRL CAN DREAM. 

but honestly, how annoying is that complaining? So annoying.  I'm done. 

But also today, I walked into a Starbucks in St. Paul. A Starbucks that i've been in a billion times, and today, of all days, it reminded of a summer in Chicago. It was the strangest thing and the feeling was so strong.  I don't know if a memory blindside you out of nowhere, but it literally happens to me all the time. I love it, I love when memories hit you so hard that you can feel exactly the way you did when it was happening and the memory just sticks with you for a minute. 

I must have been 19? I  remember being downtown with Laura and Brian. It was hot (becuase summer), humid and dark. Like the sun had gone down hours ago. So it's was probably like 11? We has been just walking and talk and strolling for hours. I remember feeling so happy to be with them. To not have a plan further than "we'll see where the night takes us."  I pretty much fell in love with Chicago the first time I was ever there. It was big and busy, and so foreign from anything that sleepy Green Bay had to offer. But this trip, I remember falling in love with the Chicago that my friends knew, I fell in love with the places that Brian loved, because it was a part of Brian that I didn't get to see all the time. It was one of the first times i remember looking at all of and realizing that we were growing up. I know that probably sounds dumb, but it was a an "a-ha" moment of "hey, we're all making our ways in this world and we're all still friends." It's like that summer was starting to teach me that everything works out the way it's meant to. 

ANYWAY

Right before we hit up a hooka bar (which i demanded because i had no idea what the hell it was) we hit a Starbs on a side street in a giant building that looked like it was just made of glass. I don't remember what I ordered because i'm pretty sure I wasn't super good at ordering coffee yet because sleepy Green Bay wasn't that fancy. I do remember though, that  there was a out door patio situation. You know the kind that is basically just a sidewalk but they put some plants outside to make it look nicer and like it's supposed to be like that. Meanwhile they people who actually need to walk on the sidewalk have to walk in the street because of the aforementioned homemade patio situation. 

I remember thinking how cool it was that coffee shops stayed open late, and that people drank coffee this late at night and we were LIVING. We were navigating a big city all by our little selves, we were laughing and killin it. It was then that i decided that my heart could be in multiple places. Part of it will always be in Green Bay but the other part belonged to bigger cities and adventure and my sweet, sweet friends who were figuring it out along side me. 

And it was a beautiful feeling. I imagine it's kind of the way Carrie Bradshaw felt when she realized she loved New York. 

I think i could love New York, too. I just need to get there. 

Come sing to me babe, i'll be your dash board drummer.

I've been going to an abundance of grad parties. They are all delightful and full of the faces I miss seeing everyday.

Grad parties make me feel so much nostalgia. I remember the exact feeling of being a graduated senior. The feeling of having accomplished a lot and also feeling like i knew nothing and feeling the excitement and terror that lay before me.

Adulthood was a magical world of no rules and endless possibilities that I could not wait to get my hands on.

That summer, the summer of my senior year,  was magic. I can remember exactly how everything felt. How I held on to every moment with my friends and how i quietly panicked at night that i wasnt quite ready to be thrust out into the world. I was afraid of what would change, and if i could hack it out there in the world.

And if i could tell these 18 years anything, I would tell them to savor everything. These days are fleeting and adulting is cool, but you have the rest of your life to be an adult. Slow down, babies, enjoy this because you can't get this back.

Love your friends well. Spend time with them. Making as many memories as you can. Stay up late. Get up early, get a tan, listen to music loud, and work hard.

Love your family. They have made sure to keep you alive and they've loved you as best they could. Return the favor. Spend time with them because as much as it doesn't feel like it now, you'll miss them. You'll miss the familiarity and the comfort of home and being known and the quiet safety it brings.

I don't take it lightly that i get to know these kids and i get to walk with them through these years. I love my job. I'm so lucky.

If i know you at all, i know you've gone too far

I'm obsessed with the song "stars" by Grace Potter and the Noctunals. I don't know why.


I have decided that I want to be the kind of person who makes her bed every day.  Clean sheet day is literally something I look forward to. Turning down and climbing into a bed what is made is something that i appreciate about clean sheet day. That and wrapping myself up in the scent of clean laundry and the feel of crisp cool sheet. Especially in the summer, with the bedroom windows open, after a shower where youve just shaved your legs.  It's one of my favorite feelings.

So, I want to be a person who makes her bed everyday because it's a little like clean sheet day every day, and it makes me feel like an adult, and i'm real into that lately.

Also, as for my summer rhythm, I'm working it out. I think it's going to be along the lines of wake up, shower, breakfast, read for fun, read for school, write, spend as much time as possible outside, projects, coffee, walk/work out, run around the city and love everything and be incredibly grateful for this life i have. And, i guess the older i get, the most i realize that the things i love about life aren't things that have anything to do with money or status. They're simple and mostly free and without them life would not even be worth living. I care deeply about people and relationhips and memories and the way spring smells, and the way it feels to drive with the windows down in the summer with sun kissed skin and your favorite songs playing.

Speak of  this life. 31 has done something to me. It's made me...apathetic? no, more secure? Like I just don't worry about things like I used to. Most days I feel okay to good in my skin, and I just don't want to waste energy on being bitter or angry or hurt. I've spent too much time in the last part of my 20's feeling like a sad puppy and i'm just over it.

Today I also had the realization that when you're doing what you should be and spending time with the people who are good for you, life is better. It's still hard, and it's still exhausting, but you don't mind the work, or you do, but it's not the worst.

Taking time to just be happy is not time wasted.

Also, I've been and will continue to read books on writing for school purposes, obviously, but also because i want to spend time with good writing and good techniques. I want to know if you can teach someone to be a good writer or if you just are one by design.

So there's that. In addition, I made a bunch of kids answer the question: "what do you unequivocally believe in?" I have my own list. So...here.

1. Jesus. Obviously.
2. Having at least one pair of good jeans that make your butt look great.
3. Saying thank you
4. saying I love you.
5.  Laughter has the power to heal
6. things getting better.
7. hard work.
8. best friends
9. pinkie promises
10. the best moments in life being simple and quite and unsuspecting.

oh. what do you unequivocally believe in? I'm done rambling for now. See you tomorrow!

I just want a cute boy to bring me a London Fog and then I will kiss him a lot because HOW CUTE.

I always catch my breath...

Some things in list form categorized by senses.

Sight: 

1. Seeing my parents after months of not seeing them

2. snow glob type snow falls. 

3. Hazy Summer Sunsets 

4. The faces of the people i love 

5. Payday. 

Sound: 

1. Laughter

2. The first chords of Tiny Dancer 

3. The bell ringing at the end of the day. 

4. Story telling. 

5. Clinking glasses after a toast. 

Touch: 

1. My anchor blanket. literally the softest thing ever. 

2. The way champaign dances on your tongue 

3. A hug from someone you love 

4. The way your heart beats fast when you think about a boy

5. Climbing into bed after a long day on clean sheet day. 

Taste: 

1. Raspberries 

2. Iced Tea 

3. Leftovers 

4. Lime popsicles 

5. Coffee. 

Smell 

1. My grandma's lotion 

2. My grandam's house 

3. Spring air after it rains and it smells like lilacs and fresh water 

4. Coconuts...suntan lotion...

5. Chrismtas. 

i belong with you, you belong with me, you're my sweetheart....

Sometimes the only way i can write is if i make a list.

The list is almost always dumb. It's almost always kind of surface and safe but it unblocks my brain and the words started to flow.  So here is a lis of thing i'm thinking about. 

1. I think the idea of being a writer is beautiful and quite and intense. I'm not sure if you know much about me, you probably don't, but beautiful and quite and intense is kind of my happy place. 

I think it summer I will spend time learning about good writing. Technique and process. I used to hate the editing process and now I love it. I miss editing things and collaborating. 

2. I've also just being thinking a lot about getting married and having babies. I  hope I meet a boy who kisses me on the forehead and tries to hold my hand in public even though I kind of hate it because my hand gets sweaty and i get self conscience.  I hope he's handy and cares about the lawn and is good with his hands... And he's generous and funny and looks good in jeans. And loves Jesus. That's not asking too much, is it? Just a boy who makes me heart beat fast when i think about him. 

3. When I have kids. I hope they love the swings and running through the sprinkler. And on Saturdays we'll have waffles or bagels. They'll love brunch and being barefoot and exploring new cities.  They'll have crazy brown hair and wear mismatched clothes. They're favorite things will be the things that make them belly laugh and i'll take too many pictures. They'll be annoyed with that at an early age. 

4. I've been really into the Lumineers for the past week. I don't even know why. 

5.  I've also been really into sunflower and hydrangeas. 

6. I'm 100% invested in whether or not David Duchonvy and Gillian Anderson are a couple in real life. It is the dumbest thing i've ever been concerned about but honestly, they're in love and i'm 100% convinced and i think it's the sweetest thing ever. 

7. Prom was this weekend for my high schoolers. They are so sweet. I love them so much and i don't think any of them got expelled. It was so fun to watch them get dressed up, and walk in heels. Lol. they are mostly bad at it. The boys looked so handsome and the girls looked so lovely.  They were so excited. Prom is so strange but such a right of passage, it was fun to be there with them, and they were honestly so excited that i was there. UGH. They have my whole entire heart. 

8.  I have such a long list of books to read this summer and i am SO excited about it. 

9. I just made play list that has songs on it about the morning, because why the hell not. Its my morning playlist.

10. I used to hate coconut. Now I'm 150% obsessed with it. Especially in my coffee and in my hair. I'm simple.

11. I really like being a brunette but I wish my hair was curly and my eyes were blue. or green. I'm not about this hazel life.  I do like it, though, when my eyes look green.

12. I like my butt and my nose and my teeth, especially the two teeth that are just a little bit crooked. I'm currently waiting for my hair to dry so I can braid it.

13. Last weekend, i spilled nail polish on a really cute shirt i had had for less than 24 hours. RUINED it. Because i'm the WORST.

14.  my "wild" playlist is basically my favorite thing ever.

15. I'm seriously considering taking a trip by myself this summer to somewhere I really want to go. I am tired of waiting around for people. I will make memories on solo adventures if i have to.  Chicago might be my first adventure because well....i know people there and i know that city kinda and i know i won't die.

16. Also...summer job or not summer job? i haven't put like any thought into it but i really should. Extra money is never a bad thing.

17.  I plan on being real tan this summer, and hopefully skinnier because i'm gross.

18. I have about billion grad parties to go to. Yikes.

19.  This week friday Sold comes out for one week. This will likely be the first movie i see alone. I'm so excited.

20. i need to get my brakes fixed. Also, I need to always have champagne at the ready.  Just because it's a good thing to have on hand.

Things i wish i would have known.

1. Being honest in important, telling the kind truth is the best way. You'll never regret being gentle and kind to people, but there is a good chance if you take the opportunity to jab someone, to make them feel hurt, justified or not, you'll eventually feel like an asshole.

2. Make good choices.  Yeah, that means like good healthy choices like not drinking so much, no smoking or kissing random boys you don't know....but it also means that sometimes you need to stay in bed and watch netflix, or it means that you need to run around your favorite places to feel good about life or sit in a bookstore and feel not so alone.  Sometimes the best choice is exactly what you need to do to take care of yourself.

3. Say yes to things that will push you out of comfort zone.

4. Say yes to the people you love.

5. Boundaries: They're not the worst.

6. Spend some time figuring out the parts of you you like a lot. It'll come in handy on the days where you hate everything about yourself, or so it would seem.

7. Nothing is really forever. Except maybe marriage.

8. There are some boys who are totally worth it. Some you'll realize too late. Others, are not quite what you except but are definitiely worth the investigation.

9. The songs that remind you of sweet things like people you love or your first kiss....hang on to those. it's important.

10. The things you think are important in your 20's will not matter nearly as much in your 30's.

11. Best friends don't really last and that's actually really okay.

12.  It's really nice to have someone who has your back. They will yelled at people outside for you.  Just be gentle with the person who's getting yelled at. They aren't so lucky.

13. I feel like i'm transitioning our of the my transition time. I can actually feel it. It think its important and I want to remember how it feels.

14. School is hard. Kids are crazy. But its the only thing you really know  how to do, so don't give-up on it.

15. You parents are jacked, but they're also amazing. love them well.

Every life begins with hope.

I just watched a documentary on Nora Ephron which was super lovely.  If you ever saw You've Got Mail and loved it, or  if you like a funny, dreamy, Dorothy Parker quality person, it's up your alley.

So now, of course, i'm obsessing over Rom Coms and New York like it's my job. The idea of being a writer is SO romantic to me. 

Also, I literally wish my life was a romantic comedy. Currently, it's more comedy than it is romance, but someday my prince will come. I mean, maybe. 

Also, I'm really into my tumblr right now, which is the stupidest thing I've ever written out, but alas, i think it's the cutest. 

I have two lists stored in the "notes" section of my phone. Well, three , if you count the one that has exactly one thing on it: Salad Girl, Fig and Curry salad dressing, which as it turns out is one of my favorite salad dressings. 

You're welcome. 

Anyway one list I know for sure is book titles. I plan on reading like a BOSS this summer. The other one is a list of...well...what i can only assume are things that make me smile. It is the most random list in the universe. I can't even tell you when or why i made it.  I'd except this to a like....drunk list? I know it sounds weird, but I've totally done it...normally it's a combo of things I need to get from target (almost always conditioner and face wash), Celebrities on my "list" you know the kind of list i'm talking about (almost always Chris Pratt and Jimmy Fallon)  and bucket list items (Nashville, New York, write a book of essays). 

BUT i have not been drunk in a very, very long time....so...i can only imagine. I'm going to share said list with you because i'm not ready to go to bed yet, and I have nothing of real substance to say...so...here we go. In no particular order: 

1. Boys in white t-shirts and jeans 

2. Cab Sav and the way it dances on your tongue and makes you sour smile. 

3. The smell of a bonfire when it's cold 

4. The smell of liquor on someone's breath 

5. the smell of spring 

6. Boys with muscular arms in fitted t-shirts. 

7. Rita and Libby teaching me that good wine has "legs" 

And that's it. 7 things. basically bookended by boys in t-shirts. I plan on adding to it when the mood strikes so, i'll keep you updated, too. I'm sure you're waiting with bated breath. 

Nothing i do make any sense. 

Well, kids. It's spring. There are 38 school days left until summer. I am hopeful we'll all make it out alive. 

If you like midnight driving with the windows down....

I'm not saying that you're interested in what a London Fog with skim milk tastes like (but you kinda are) they're terrible, and I want my 4 dollars back.

Side note: 4 dollars is a lot of money to spend on tea, yet I continue to do it all the time.

Additional side note: I'm thinking of giving up carbs for a minute, just to see what happens. (ps. i ate banana bread this morning...soo....already nailing it.)  I'm currently feeling pretty crappy about my body but feeling real good about the idea of the clothes i have actually looking not terrible on me. Also....i have a wedding to go to in 3 weeks.

And while we're just on the subject of things that are not being nailed....Lent. I super suck at this year. I'm literally a week behind. I have not fasted. I'm not nailing it.

But I am really trying to pause in the day and be grateful for it. Even on hard days there is laughter. Even on days when I feel like i'm not teaching life changing lessons....(which is basically every day) There are kids who come into my room to hug me, to exist, to freak out about something, or to just feel like the belong somewhere.

I think that's a win. For as much as i'm not reading a devo every day...which I know is important, I really do. And I do notice that I'm a better human when i do that, I have really been on board with this idea of  "being in it together."

Over the past couple of days I've been really thinking about ordinary moments where I've felt so connected to other people, and it's actually made me love humans in a whole new way.

One time, when I was in a season of my life when i was a straight up train wreck. I was running myself completely ragged and i had just totaled my car and i was working at a school where kids swore at me and shot weird paper clip things at me.....and i cried a lot.

It sounds sad, because it was but it was really formative, so i'm okay with it....and also it's over so it's all kind of nbd now.

Anyway, My friend and pastor picked me up from school and he could tell that i was just a hot mess....so he drove me to this house that looked like it was made out of a tree....and that you'd expect Bilbo Baggins to walk right out of.  Like...it actually belonged in the shire. And we laughed about this gem that is tucked back in the heart of highland park. We got gelato and for like 45 mins i didn't think about how crappy my life was. I just existed, i felt heard. It felt good to a laugh and discover something totally random in the most unexpected and ordinary of places.

And the profundity of the moment was lost on me until about 3 days ago when I was driving through Highland looking for the damn tea source. I just smiled like a fool. I like pulling memories out of my pocket and dusting them off until they glow with that golden hue that reminds you that everything doesn't suck.

Today I was so grateful of the moments during the day when I get to just interact with my kids. They are funny and sweet and they make me laugh harder than most people. They also make me madder than most people.....but i love them, and i love getting to love them and teach them.

Being on the other side of hard stuff is cool, but being thankful for the roads that got you there is probably even better.

i'm listening to a lot of One Direction. I'm only like YEARS late man. what the hell. Who even knows.

So Raise Your Glass if You're All Wrong in all the Right Ways....

Today is Valentines Day. I have a different opinion on Valentines Day every year. Mostly I'm indifferent. I think it can be sweet, i think it can be dumb. I like that we celebrate love but most of time we do it in a way that is mostly awkward and little bit offensive.

I've spent the better part of the day in my bed, and to be honest, I'm not entirely sure what i've been doing. I've read some blogs, i've half-heartedly tried to read a book i bought on a whim. I've been thinking about shaping my eyebrows for the last hour and half and i just haven't made it to the bathroom mirror to do it yet.

As you can see, my life is real hard today. Oh, i straightened my already mostly straight hair for no one or reason today because i'm as single as they come. I've also changed my lock screen background to something I personally think is adorable and i've basically transferred everything to my new (used) phone so all i have to do is activate it.

So basically i'm winning. Anyway, in honor of Valentine's Day, love and the shear joy I get from making lists, here is a list of things I love in no particular order.

1. London Fog's. Seriously. Although, i had one made with "Moon over Madagascar" tea the other day and it just about changed my life.

2. Raspberries.

3. Fall

4. Navy Blue

5. Anchors

6. Boys butts in good jeans. The kind that are worn in, a little faded with tiny rips form being handy.

7. Boys who play guitar.

8. Boys who love kids. Especially Elementary School teachers.

9. Making playlists.

10.  Classic movies

11.  Sea Salt spray

12. living the beach life in the summer

13. Books.

14. the theater

15. my family.

16. driving.

17. Collaging

18. Eau Claire.

19. St. Paul. <3 omg. This city.

20. planning road trips even if i never go on them. For example i really want to drive to New York to see A Streetcar Named Desire in june because 1. Tennessee William's is a boss.. 2. Gillian Anderson is Blanche (omg. i'm so about it right now because X Files Revival)

21.  Ahem... X Files revival. David Duchvony might be old and a skeeze in real life but I would marry Mulder in a heart beat.

22. BOYS IN SUITS. omg. (see: Justin Timblerlake, Jimmy Fallon)

23. Funny people.

24. Sea Salt. dear Jesus i love sea salt.

25. curry. Though, i'm beginning to think it might have been a phase.

26. coconut everything.

27. Sunsets.

28. flip flops.

29. The water.

30. The East Cost.

31. The deep south

32. naming my fake children.

33. The gilmore girls

34. Remembering things

35. Amy Poehler and Tina Fey

36. Memoirs

37. nail polish

38. curling my hair when i'm bored.

39. Foreign Films (read: Just amelie)

40. AWARD SHOWS

41. Adele.

42. musicals

43. Country church

44. History.

45. old buildings

46. Antiques

47. Jesus.

48. Good Jeans.

49. clean sheets

50. new journals.

51. Candles.

52. Lent

53. my students

54. Green Bay.

55. Looking up tattoos.

56. Champaign

57. Red Wine.

58. My Minnesota Family.

59. photos.

60. hashtags.

61. Poetry

62. Babies.

63. Designing tattoos.

64. dreaming of getting a tattoo

65. planning my non-existant wedding.

66. sending mail.

67.  Every version of "someone to watch over me" that has ever been sung...ever.

68. Here Comes the Sun and The only living boy in New York.

69. Hearing stories about the people i love before i knew them.

70. Big Snows. The big fluffy snow globe kind.

love a lot of things. I have a brain that almost never shuts off.  I'm a day dreamer. I wish my life would play out like a romantic comedy. The more grandiose the better.

and for the record. I don't hate being single. I don't want to be single forever, but i also am not going to spend time freaking out abut how no boys love me....because for real, my anxiety is high enough with out adding "undatable" to the laundry list of things i freak out about the regular.

What do you love? who do you love?  what makes you smiles so big that you feel like a fool but in the best way.

Be lifted high as my kingdoms fall.....

I'm afraid that the following may just be a litany of scattered thoughts because I'm trying to figure out just what i'm thinking and how i want to say it as i'm writing.

I know that's probably annoying. You'll have to forgive it.

So, lent kind of snuck up this year, which is a bit ironic considering it took 1000 years for January to be over with. Winter messes with time. Everything is long and cold. Never the less, here we are 40-ish days form Easter, and I began the week with no plan.

I really love Lent. I am a human who loves roots, and traditions and also the church calendar. It's funny that even as i was younger, i always gave something up for  during this season. Lutherans are not required to give anything up. We just enjoy the Wednesday Lenten Soup supper....because who doesn't love soup. It was never anything my parents did, really. So the fact that I even haphazardly did it as a teen ager who really had no idea of the profundity of this time...must mean that God was pursing me even then...to go deeper.

Over the last couple of years there have been a lot of things that I felt needed internal prayer, and with that things which i chose to abstain from. There were family crisis, and marriage crisis and new beginnings and unknown directions...things I whole heartedly believe we all made it though because of internal time we spent in surrendering it.

I've added devos and daily offices to my lenten repertoire. I've fasted in various forms...it's all been important in my spiritual development as well was just becoming a better human.

Anyway...i like lent, you get it. My point. This year, I didn't feel strongly about anything, really. There was nothing that kept popping up...so i wasn't sure. I knew I wanted to spend this season focused on gratitude, but i had (still have) no idea really, what that is going to look like...

 But then, i started to pay attention....and "community" and the idea of being in it together and not being alone have been popping up literally everywhere.

If you have even existed in the same space i have occupied you know i'm super relationally focused. I love my people and I like to spend time in those relationships.  As of late, I've sort of distanced myself from community. I mean sure there are some people whom i love and spend time with a lot but never in the way i used to. I've sort of retreated into this space where i've sort of stiff armed a lot of people into staying away.

But I think it's time to  drop the armor.

Today I went to a funeral, and if there was one thing that resonated was that he was man who loved deeply, and was deeply loved by his community of people. He left a legacy of peace and love behind him. It was beautiful.

So i guess what i'm saying is that gratitude and community  and love are my focus.

I am learning, always want it means to love people well, and I suspect that in the coming days and weeks, ill have more practice.

My prayer though this season is that I have eyes like Jesus. To see what people need before they ask, to love people in the way they most need it, to love people and myself well.

So, it's with hopeful anticipation that welcome this season, may it change me in way that makes me look more like jesus.

Rainy days and *monday's* always get me down....

Today was rough. It's Monday, so that in and of itself makes it rough, but this Monday was a bit different.

Between kids crying in the bathroom and in my room for all of the reasons and just...no reason. coupled with a student being the hospital still, and another student learning there is nothing to do for her dad's stage for cancer except keep him comfortable....it feels like a lot, and my heart just breaks for them.

Not to mention the typical school stuff that is the sass, the privilege, and the lack of caring...which just gets old, and it doesn't even help to know that these students are like this in all their classes. Its just frustrating.

I might get the summers off, but i also love and pour into 100+ kids a day, all while trying to teach them how to be good humans and literate humans.

It's whole thing.

And the general sad feeling from yesterday. I don't really like feeling left out or when people say my feelings aren't valid,  or that i'm being sensitive when sometimes thats not it..

ugh. life, right? Sometimes you just need someone to hug you and tell you they love you. We all need it. I could really use it today.

As i look toward lent this year...my head is not in the right place. i have no idea what my lent will look like. I need to focus. But i'm excited for Ash Wednesday. Digging into this season is one of the best things i've ever learned from Brad and Rita. It always takes me to a different place, and it always makes my heart sting a little bit.


so, i'm reluctant to accept what lent has for me mostly because i want a break from the hard stuff for a minute.

Thankful for new days, and that spring break is in like 5 weeks. and that spring is coming and so is Jesus.

It feels like years since it's been here......

There are rare times in your life when you have the opportunity to say exactly what you need to say to the exact people who need to hear it.

There are similar moments where you get to feel exactly what you need to feel the moment that it's happening.

Today, I sat in a room of people whom have been my people in one capacity or another. People who i've worked with, served with, prayed with. People whom I've learned to love fiercely and unconditionally.

For the first time in a long time, it felt like home. Not like a now home, but like an attic full of all the thing you keep to remember. The smells, and the sounds, all so familiar and welcomed.

The hugs from people whom you haven't seen in awhile, the hugs that feel real and some, that linger a little longer because time has made you forget just how significant this place is.

Today, i sat in a room that has raised me up, a room that has help write my story, a room where I laughed and cried and belonged.

And i remembered that if it weren't for this space and some of these people, i would not be who i am. the time spent here was not wasted. It was not in vain. It showed me so much truth, the sweet ways you want to learn about things safe and protected, and the hard way, the way that makes you feel like you can't catch your breath. The kind of way that socks you in the gut and cuts you.

I hugged people, i apologized to people, i said the kind of truth that makes your voice shaky, and your heart beat fast.

And God was present and people were the people i remembered. And the ice that i packed around my heart melted a little. I started to just feel enormous amounts of gratitude.

I'm so grateful of the the opportunity to be in this place to learn from these people, to grow, to make a lot of mistakes, and to learn from them.

To learn how to fast and pray and serve for the right reason. How to love people well. how to have boundaries, (the hard way), how to take care of yourself, (the hard way).

my heart is tender today, it's full, and it's beating hard. A little from the large amount of caffeine i've consumed (also a little weepy) but in large part to the fact that i have decided to let go of the shit that has kept me at arms length from people.  The things that have kept me from moving forward, from figuring out how to change alongside people who are also changing.  and for it to be okay.


There are lots of things i still need to work out, like currently, how to not feel like you're drifting away from people. how they're moving on at a pace you're not....or how to articulate that appropriately.

But for today, I've done a lot of things that have been a long time coming, and they weren't as scary and weird as i thought they'd be. Turns our people still love me, and sometimes it's real nice to be reminded about that.

The thing is, so often when i thought i was standing still, God was propelling me forward, for better or worse, sometimes i thrash against the current and sometimes i wouldn't.

Either way, here i sit, so thankful for this life, and the people in it, and the way that forgiveness and restoration feels.

I thank God for all those answered prayers.

Dear Gallery, 

This weekend will be a bit of a homecoming juxtaposed with goodbye. 

I kind of grew up...again..more...inside the city lines of St. Paul and inside the walls of stepping stone. I didn't choose this, I think it chose me. For as much as i tried to fight it, i couldn't, and here we are, 6 years later, trying to  find the words to express how this place and it's people have shaped me, loved me, hurt me, and kept me afloat. 

Among other things, you've given me people to love, prayers to pray, things to fight for. Most importantly, you've given me Jesus. 

A Jesus that is real, with a heart beat of people and making the world better. You've given me a Jesus who is LOVE, a Jesus who sometimes i don't understand, who doesn't always seem near, but is ever faithful. 

You've affirmed me, you've broken my heart, you've taught about community, and addiction and sacrifice and faith and being bold. 


My sweet little apartment, the one with the crooked floors, furnished by eclectic hand-me downs held meetings, and parties and prayer sessions that changed me, the made me believe. That were the corner stone of my faith. 

And Brad and Rita? They reminded me of who i was, and what i was good at and that i had a purpose and that i was so very loved. 


I had my share of confusion and breaking points and shit losing sessions. I moved my broken heart into a lanky apartment, and completly lost my mind, i ran out of gas, i ran out of time, i almost ran out of faith....

But God is faithful, and he told me to go, and so i went....I learned a lot of about obedience...and i found family. I found purpose again, i found...Jesus....who was there the whole time but covered up by lots of debris. 

So, sweet, little Church, tomorrow, i will climb you steps again. I will find myself putting on that old coat, seeing old friends, feeling that familiar feeling of home and community. 

And it will be so happy, and sad. This story is written on the inside of my heart like rings on a tree. For a time in this space we were exactly what we needed to be and it was beautiful. I laughed a lot. I drank a lot of coffee and used so many post it notes. I've climbed those steps and sorted those bins and ran those slides with my eyes closed. I loved a lot of it. 

I have cried inside Coffee News, over chai, on more than occasion. I've eaten enough Pizza Luce and Bread and Chocolate to last a life time, (and you'd always order my favorites because that how you were). 

I grew up here. It was wild and messy and full of feelings. I loved it and i hated it. It was hard and so easy at times. 

I'm still sorting it out, but i'm so thankful for the time i spent in these walls. Our stories tucked up into the rafters, as it prepares to tell a new story. 

I'm forever grateful for my time here. 

In heartache and hope, i swear I'll say, Amen. 

Bind my wandering heart to thee...

Last Sunday I had one of those "openly weeping in church" moments.

They are...well, they are a whole thing. (Side note: my 9th graders make fun of me for using the term "it's a whole thing" excessively.)

I bust out into tears during "come thou fount" because obviously.

It was such a reminder that God is so faithful. He has truly seen us through a winter of our discontent and now....well, now things are starting to happen, the walls are coming down, and things are blossoming.

and honestly, to stand next to the person who's weather the storm with you and for you and along side you...it's just a lot of  feels.

God is so cool and this time we're in now is so sweet, and there needs to be way more celebrating and gratitude and jumping in the deep end together.

It was real emotional. and real beautiful.

These days...

The best days are the ones where we lazied around
talking about our wildest dreams and
 our  secrets all while sipping coffee.
When we have no where to go.
we can just be.
in the truest sense of the word.
Time stands still best in those moments.
Everything seems possible.
Clinking cups
laughter
and heart beats
become the soundtrack
to our lives.
over a kitchen table
that is knocked and worn 
from use. 
Not unlike our hearts. 

Lives woven together
from intersecting people
and worlds 
and circumstances 
Finding each other--eventually
finally 
and the exact right time.
kindred spirits always find their way 
to each other. 

There is a simplicity I miss about life and i want to get back there. And i think we will because i think we're meant to, because i think we all kind of need to be loved by each other, and for each other and honest with each other. 

a really disjointed, weird, ode to 2015

I think that if i ever write a book it will be called " With Love: letter's to my life"

Today, I would like to address 2015, obviously. It's been an insane ride, so many good surprises and hard lessons, and grace. and grace and grace and grace and second chances and grace.

Did i mention grace?

Finding away to neatly wrap up this year with a nice little bow of a pithy statements is not going to be possible but, I will try with the words i have to reflect the gratitude I have.

This year has been about a lot things, but mostly it's been about 2nd chances, learning how to receive the grace that is extended to me, and sorting things out and finding my way back.

I know that i've messed up a billion times this year, i've said or done things that i shouldn't have. i 've jumped to conclusions, i've created scenarios in my head.

But for all the billion things i did wrong, there were a billion opportunities for grace and a billion and one chances.

Chances to find God again. Chances to give something another go. Chances to fall in love with the world again. Chances at friendships, chances at wellness.

Everywhere you look last year there was me, falling down, and someone helping me back up...and then i'd fall again and i'd get back up.

And I 1000% didn't deserve any of it and i'm still i awe of a lot of it. I don't understand how or why some people love me the way they do.

okay, honestly, this entire thing is weirdly disjointed, and i've been trying to write something when the words won't come.

So...yeah, there were a lot of second chances, there was a lot of redemption. Lost things were found, reminders of who I am were everything. Opportunities were literally presented to me on a platter.

and here we are. Looking at the next 365 days, i don't know what will happen. I'm sure I feel all the things, I will try hard, my feelings will get hurt, and i'll probably hurt other people's feelings.

But i'm going to try to take what i learned from my scraped knees in 2015 and hopefully not repeat the same mistakes.

I am going be intentional about being grateful for what i do have and not think about what I lack, or how things used to be. I'm going to burry what needs to be buried, not forgetting what i learned and how it made me feel but I won't let it dictate the future.

maybe.

2015 was a struggle but also amazing. and crazy and i laughed a lot and read a lot and cried a lot and loved a lot and it was good. It was all good. I think that's all you can ask from a full life.