The house that built me

My parents. They're good ones.

I mean, really. I'm very blessed.

And yet sometimes i'm a total asshole about everything, and a brat. I forget how much they are a part of me and how much i need them to exist.

I am so much my mother sometimes it scares me. I am sarcastic like her, i'm funny like her, i am passive aggressive like her. I have her teeth. her nose, and her love of "i love Lucy." I took all my cues form her. I learned how to be a woman from her, but yet she spent a lot of time feeling like she wasn't good enough, which, I'm sure is where I get it.

I don't know if she'll ever believe otherwise. I don't know if anyone has told her that's she's beautiful is a long time.

And that breaks my heart because i've been so focused on her not understanding me, i never took the time to understand all she is.

She's my mom. She's my biggest fan (and worst critic) she taught me how to say please and thank you. She taught me to share and how fight for what i wanted and how to ride a bike and that family is important and that you re best is good enough as long as it authentic, and that personality is important. She let me be angsty. she had rules. she didn't let me get away with anything. She taught me to be grateful and to say prayers.

Then there is my dad. He's certainly not perfect, but he's a good man. One of the best, in fact. He's funny, and he's dependable and kind and fun. He likes to laugh. I have his mouth.  I have his build (for better or worse) his spending habits (oops). His eyes, and hair. He is my best protector and supporter. He taught me to be kind, he taught me to get my hands dirty. he's taught me that mistakes are ok, forgiveness is important. He taught me how to work hard, how to throw a softball, how to stick up for myself. (which i might still be learning how to do). He taught me that people are priorities. He loves Jesus.

Lately, i've been having a tough time trying to maintain my worlds. My heart is in two places and i'm not loving my family well.  That's a hard truth to swallow. My parents do their best. They work hard to love me the best way they know how.

How can i expect anything more than that?

So, It's time to right some wrongs. To love well. To make time. To get back to myself. To realign my priorities. To plant my heart solidly here and there.

There are not many people in your life who will take a bullet for you. Who will sacrifice what they have so your life can be better. Who will let you come home no matter how many times you fuck up. Who can always see the good in you and know your heart.

I can't imagine what it's like to be the parents of me. What its like to worry that my life continues to be a mess. Wondering if i'll ever get married. or get a real job. or stop day dreaming. Worrying about being 4 hours away and who will have my back here. Sometimes i wish I could see myself in their eyes. perhaps then the image of myself wouldn't be so distorted. I don't make it easy on them, that's for sure, but they sure do love me and think i'm amazing.

Tonight, i missed home. i missed my mom and dad, and that feeling i used to get about where i came from.

I am nothing fancy. My childhood was nothing spectacular. We didn't go on vacations. They didn't buy me super expensive clothes, or my own car but i never felt like i was missing out on anything. My memories are happy ones for the most part, tempered by the reality of a broken world.

The house that built me was a good one, and it was full of love.

Summer time, and the living is easy.

Ok despite my best efforts to write something both charming and smart today, I have failed. Miserably. I'm sitting in the sun, so my brian just doesn't work. .

anyway. I am compiling a Bucket list of things to do over the spring and summer. Its just what I do.

1. learn to make salsa. regular salsa and the fancy kinds. I mean, i would eat salsa with a spoon if that wasn't horribly weird.
2. actually create some of the pinterest things i have been obesseing over.
3. buy or make some really great headbands.
4. go antiuquing and find something amazing. (like an old mirror, a cool necklace, adorable tea cups)
5. Go to as many fairs/"fill in the blank" Days as possible. the food and the people watching. I mean, my goodness.
6. Make Lisa teach me how to make really amazing food. (there is a food theme this year, i dont' know why)
7.  commander my bike from my parents house. (if my car ever works again. *fingers crossed*)
8. eat all the green popsicles ever.
9.  go to zoo.
10. get rita to teach me how to make raspberry jam.
11. journal.
12. do a bible study that makes me lose my mind in the best way. (read: just read my bible)
13. serve somewhere cool.
14.  picinic in the park
15. go to movies in the park at least once
16.  go swimming all the time.
17. eat a lot of watermelon
18. dream big dreams
19. be intentional with relationships and meeting for coffee once a week.
20. figure out how to make the best iced coffee ever.
21. float down the chipp.
22. make someone play tennis with me.
23. FARMERS MARKET. like all of them.
24. umm fireworks.
25. go see my family.
26. write more letters.
27. go to w a twins game. or a brewers game (miller park is calling me)
28. PARADES
29. eat as many snow cones as humanly possible.
30. play in the rain.
31. make and fly a kite
32. star gaze
33. pick strawberries.
34. sidewalk chalk because i'm 8.
35. rollerblade.
36. walk all the trails.
37. make root beer floats.
38. read at least one book that will change my life.
39. get a tan.
40. blow some bubbles.
41. have fun
42. laugh a lot.
43.  spend time with all my favorite people.
44. make julia an awesome college project.
45. random acts of kindness.
46. Learn to catch a fish
47. live mustic. music in mears.
48. learn how to arrange flowers, well.
49. play in the fountains...or just apprecaite them.
50.  be barefoot as much as possible.

It's my turn to be brave.....

I'm going to be honest: I'm not the bravest person around. I mean, not really, which is interesting because I am pretty good at being brave for other people. I'll fight someone else battle, I'll get down in the dirt with them, I'll do whatever for people i care about. You feelin' me?

When it comes to me, though, and fighting for anything that's mine and not like a cause or an issue that affects more than just me, I'm a wimp. my backbone is almost non-existent, which is why i have issues with people pleasing, saying no and having healthy boundaries.

I'm going to need you to keep your comments to yourself about how accurate the above statement is. I get it. So, get off me. :)

I feel, though, with the word brave, the word faith must be ultimately tied. In the act of being brave is the idea that you're stepping out in faith that whoever and whatever (I'm trying to not be overtly Jesus-y right now because this is applicable to non-Christians)  you cling to spiritually, has your back.

Along with that is the ability to give up control over what is about to happen. Being brave requires that you do something that might end up hurting you. Physically, emotionally, spiritually, socially ....whatever else you want to put an "ly" on ...If the consequences weren't big, you wouldn't need to be brave to do it.

right?

So, my point. While I don't think of myself as brave, I also don't think I would classify myself as having a weak faith, though i am just a wee bit of a control freak. I go to church, i'm in a small group, i pray, i journal (sparingly). I do everything that i'm supposed to do.

but, the reality is, I don't always believe that the God I pray to will come through for me. *shock and horror* I know, I know. You can start praying for me now.

 Let's be real though, we all struggle with that.

It's not like once you drink the Jesus juice suddenly it's easy to do all the things like pray diligently, fight injustice, and have this rocks star relationship with the one who made you. It's never that easy, because the world is broken and jacked up and everything is hard.

so. My faith kind sucks sometimes. I don't love surrendering my life to a God i will never fully understand. Who time and time again breaks my heart and messes with my comfortable life in order that I know him on a deeper level and love his people in a deeper way.

It's hard. I don't always love doing it. It's a lot of tears to be shed. it's a lot of changing my priorities. It's work that i don't want to have to keep doing. It's being actively aware of flaws and consistently being humbled. It's always praying "your will be done" and meaning it. every single time.

I mean, whoa.

So, in knowing that I needed to have more faith, that I need to surrender fully (though, not going to lie, i have no idea how to ACTUALLY do this. like at all.) that i need to trust that all things work together for my good....i knew i needed to be a little brave. Its says somewhere in the bible "you have not because you ask not" or something to that affect. I'm not sure where it is, but if you googled that, I'm certain you'd find it. I'm also not sure how Jesus feels about me paraphrasing, but I think it's fine.  Don't judge, I'm not a pastor (we're all thankful for that)

So, I asked for what I wanted. like out loud to real people. I actually told people what I wanted, and I've asked people to pray. I've processed (and if you know me, and have had to participate in my processing, bless you.) and I've done it all knowing that it might not work out.

It might hurt. It might not be in the cards, I might be reading into all the things.....and the whole ordeal has made me a ball of anxiety, because praying "your will be done" is not for the faint of heart. 

So now, i get to wait. I sit in this tension of past and future, trying hard to believe with my whole heart that God truly does have my back, and no matter what, glory will be given.

And it's scary.

and it makes my palms sweaty, but it's my turn to be brave.

Second Star to the right....

hey. how about this....
let's let imagination run wild
with reckless abandon.
with colors so bright
you can't stare directly at them

like for real.

let's get crazy
and wierd
and believe in
all the things
like
love
and goodness
and happy endings
and fairy dust
and wishes
and shooting stars
and endless possiblities

Let's believe for once
that nice guys
finish first
and that the good
die of old age
holding hands
with the one they love

and maybe we can forget
about regets
and mistakes
and skinned knees
and tear drops

Then maybe
we can forgive each other
understand each other
extend grace
even when it's hard
becuase we all deserve
to have a "do-over"

I mean mulligans aren't just
for golfers
there for anyone
who believes that
Hope isn't crazy.
that we can be better
and learn from the past
for those who truly feel like
the world doesn't mean to break
your heart

Broken hearts
are just mosaics
held together by grace and time
so we can make wishes
on stars
and eyelashes
and dandilions
and wishing wells
with the hope
that "Happily Every After"
isn't just for
Fairy Tales

it's for real life, too.

take another piece of my heart....

I'm trying to remember
when i started to forget
my worth.

I'm trying to place
the exact space in time
when the first bit
of innocence
was chipped away

it must have been subtle
it must not have hurt too much.
because i certainly didn't
seem to miss it

perhaps because i was still
saw nothing but good
and i believed that  people meant well
and maybe I was wrong.
that's what growing up
looked like, though.

The more critical you are
the most grown you seem

So i got real
i saw that All that i  wasn't
pretty
or skinny
or good at dance
or singing
or anything really
except being somone's
best friend.

I was good at funny.
kind of. err....being awkward
and more innocent than everyone else
and i reacted to everything

so that was the game
to make me blush
or get uncomfortable
or do things i wasn't ready to
and i let it happen
because i thought i had to

so i let everyone chip away
at any innocence
or value i had
my price tag
seen through your eyes
sucks.

It's so funny to think about now
how much i try for girls who
are the age i was
 to understand

they are worth more than rubies
in a real way.
That they are more than
a weitght
an age
a type

they are the future
and the past
they leave a legacy
and build a tomorrow

for all of us

and all they need to know
is to not let go of
or hand the power to
someone who doesn't
respect
their desire
to be who they are
even if it's
means saying no
holding on tight
to parts of them
they'll try to get back later

but never quite remember
where they went
or when they left
in the first place.