i put my little black dress on....

i just want an anchor tattoo on my body.

I'm planning on doing it before thanksgiving.

who's gonna come?

painted my nails tonight. Feelin' like a kind of real person again. Need to clean my room and do my laundry.
Gotta go to a stupid meeting tomorrow morning. stupid. Actually have to do some real work tomorrow. which is fine, but i'd rather "office" from a coffee shop with a chai and some cute boy baristas and a window seat to beautiful st. paul.

i've cleared my schedule for the last two days because something more pressing came up and really there is no place i would have rather been. Well, circumstances are total shit. and i have all the feelings about it, but sometimes your people have to come first, you know? 

These moments where the bottom falls out, they're too familiar, and i feel like we are all too used to being stuck wait deep in the mess. Sometimes it gets hard to see where God is in these moments. It's impossible to understand why the most faithful and good people are dealt the crappiest hands in life. It's the  most unfair thing i've ever witnessed, and lately i've seen too many families and lives ripped apart by lies, and fear, and addictions.  I think after this latest bottom drop, i'll be good for awhile.

i guess i'll never understand why we are all so afraid to be honest. Why none of us love ourselves enough to speak up and change the path if need be. Why do we let our hearts go unheard. Why are we so afarid and how do we change it.

and how in the world to we create spaces where we can be honest and it be ok, and how do you give grace when you feel the exact opposite of graceful. We talk about creating community, tribes, 3 am phone call people...best friends, spouses...family....who earn the right to speak into....life...and yet we're kind of full of shit about it.  We all are.

until the bottom drops out and somehow we are forced to let people in.

you know what weird, though? How much your heart breaks for other people.  or, maybe it's just me. maybe it's because i'm a crisis friend. I never thought i'd feel such real heart ache about things that don't directly affect me, yet somehow it's all familiar and a reminder off all the things in my own life I've pushed to the back of the filing cabinet.

and it's weird what you're willing to do for other people to avenge them or take away their pain. i mean, i guess that's what love is all about, maybe.

this could not be more vague, but once upon a time a friend told me she saw an image of me with a large garbage back on my back.

I'm a burden bearer as much as i can be. I'll bear your burden with you and i'll leave it at the foot of the cross with you. Wanting to believe with my whole heart that Jesus knows whats up....but being very human and scared and sad....most of the time i'm about 80 percent sure it's true.

Yesterday  i added a backpack....which is funny....because i've taken a lot of them off as of late....and this is so not my language...but it fits here....and this is one of two backpacks i'll willingly slip on...because these people....they're absolutely worth it....and no one should feel alone.

and just a side note. I do not love my family as well as i should. I feel horribly guilty about it.

I have a lot of guilt. I'm not even jewish or catholic. i don't know where it comes from. There are days though, when i just want to call my mom and cry and then just move on. I really miss having the "weepy phone call friend"

funny...this blog started with anchor tattoos and nail polish....and it ends in word vomit. I have to put it somewhere....

in other news...obsessed with Sara Bareilles' "blessed unrest" so, so  good. I can't even.
also: parenthood.....these things keep me sane.

Also...i got this coconut deep conditioner. My hair smells like the island. i love it.

Perhaps i'll specifically word vomit....but i'll lock those...because no one cares and not everyone wants there business plastered on an insignificant blog.

something wicked this way comes...

everything is weird.

living my life like it's golden....

i love me some jill scott.

I'm feelin' a whole mess of things but i feel kind of liberated by all of it. This weird juxtaposition of a hurting heart and a full one...it's, well, something words can't quite capture.

there have been a lot of full circle moments, which as soon as i process it all, I'll write about...but full circle in the strangest ways.

My heart is pumping hard, i feel kind of alive and passionate in a way i haven't in a long time.

I'm feeling better about being in my skin and doing what i was made to do...which....looks different than i thought it would but the feelings are the same.

what do you do when sin messes everything up? When people you love the most get their hearts shattered into a bajillion pieces. How do you even begin to put them back together? What do you even say?

how do you love them well when there is nothing you can do? All you want to do is transfer their pain to you.

You stand in the gap. You're on your knees on the regular. How funny that we think prayer is such small thing to do...when really, it's the biggest.

I will never understand why things turn out the way they do, all i can do is be present and do what i can.

Shauna is my girl here some of her latest post....we are kindred.

Two things were true about me when I was growing up: I was smart and I was overweight. Those two things defined me more than anything else. I was the unattractive person in an otherwise attractive family, but my mind was quick—it was easy for me to remember things, and it was easy for me to be funny.

And so that’s what I became—everyone’s chubby, funny friend. I was easy to be around, agreeable, capable. I knew how to make other people feel comfortable, how to draw them out, how to tell self-deprecating stories about myself. I learned to be the punchline.

And because I’ve believed those things about myself for so long, I sometimes don’t expect myself to be anything other than a punchline. I don’t push myself the way I could. I don’t ask for opportunities or promote my work. Essentially, I don’t take myself and my life as seriously as I could.

This old story isn’t helping me anymore, so I’m writing a new story. This new story says I can and do work hard, and that I’ve developed my skills as a writer and speaker over the last several years. It says I might have more to contribute than I thought, and that being funny and pleasant might not be the highest things to aspire to any longer.


There is so much goodness here....oh, shauna, you my girl.

December, you've always been a problem child

But to get yourself a new life you've got to give the other one away
And I'm starting to believe in the power of a name
Cause it can't be a mistake if I just call it change

This song and these lyrics....resonate with me today.

you're not alone in how you've been....

I've head a lot of really great things today. God always has a way with words that stop me in my tracks.

For thinking about what it means to love ourselves as much as we love other people. Whatever Oprah, don't get too proud it had nothing to do with you and everything to do with the randomness i've stumbled into.

to Shauna posting this:

Numbers don't define humans. Not on a scale, not in a bank account, not on a GPA. Your particular magic can't be calculated by math.

 

I really like thinking that everyone has magic. I think it makes everything more fun. Don't ruin for me.

 

To Kurt Vonnegut writing this in a letter to high school students:

Practice any art, music, singing, dancing, acting, drawing, painting, sculpting, poetry, fiction, essays, reportage, no matter how well or badly, not to get money and fame, but to experience becoming, to find out what's inside you, to make your soul grow.

I have so much to say about courage and bravery right now, but I think it can sum it up into this:

Let's embrace the "becoming" and be brave enough to try the things that make our soul grow.

i drank a truck load of coffee today. my brain is non-stop but full of things i need to say....

So why not say them?

Feelin' pretty possessive and territorial today.

And i'm feelin pretty passionate about being honest.

so there you go.

I had a really great fall day weekend, so there's that. Parade and walking through crunchy leaves yesterday.  Carved punkin' today.

So starts another week and so beings being busy for most of the nights which i both kind of love but mostly hate.

I like having things....but i dont' like when they demand so much of my time.

I also feeling like a lackluster social butterfly. people used to want to see me and hang out with me....and now....they don't....and i feel kind of...eh about the whole thing.

i just like it when i'm in high demand....i don't know that i ever really was, actually.

Battle Cry for the Future.....

Here's to all those people with the lump in the their throat, who somehow just know that there's more to life than just....this.

Here's to the people who will change the world because they don't give an eff about failure or what other people think.

Here's to the ones who can't sit still, who aren't afraid of other people. Who have a voice and want to start using it.

Here's to the ones with the dreams and plans in their back pocket.

Let's start living like it matters. Let's start having a game plan. let's just do it.

Because if we dont' start being brave, who's going to teach the babies how to do it?

Let's start taking chances and making memories, and having stories worth telling.

Let's not get hung up on technicalities and red tape...and stupid people.

Let's hold hands and jump in.

Let's be brave together, and let's start today, because really, what do we have to lose?

It takes two....two sides to every story.....

The number one reason I love this little old blog is because i feel like it holds all my secrets. While the whole world can see if they wanted to....they don't want to. so...i can just spill my guts and it's fine and i can get to business as usual.

and turn on my charm for the rest of the world.

I'm newly 29 but somehow i'm forever 17.

Fall is just my most favorite thing, but i often forget that with the amazing burst of color also means  the slowing down and death of the past seasons, and soon it gets cold and i get pissed because i don't get enough vitamin d.

And really, i breathe way too much metaphor into all of it.

I'm just a struggler this season. Things are way harder than i expected them to be and as per usual, my expectations for things and people are just too high.

There are so many cool new things that seem to be in the works, but my heart is guarded, my steps into these things are small and slow going....because right now i don't believe that these things wont level me....again...and I'm not about that life, well, i don't want to be.

Selfishly, i just want things to be easier. I want things to move faster, i want something super great and exciting to happen with not stings attached and no rugs pulled out. There is something beautifully poetic about the unknown and things being unwritten and going with the flow....but that kind of optimism is kind of exhausting.

and I've really been sucking at it.

In case you're wondering, Diamond has arrived, and she is sweet and thankful and so nice and I'm a horrible person and i am jealous and insecure and dumb.

and I'm nervous about all of it, and what might come of it an and MORE transition. The one sacred thing i felt like i had. That was mine. That was my safe space...isn't. Mostly i don't like sharin my people.  BECAUSE IM HORRIBLE. UGH. There is nothing more unattractive than what's currently going on in my head.

yesterday i took a stupid picture of myself with "imperfect" and "enough" on my hand....i wasn't wearing any make up and i was having a "i dont feel great in  my skin" day. nothing fit right. Hating how i look....enter the more horrible self image day ever.

and i hated every second of it. I feel imperfect but not quite enough...for anyone or any things.

Youth group is pretty great. My small girls are so beautifully 17 and i hope they hold on to that as long as they can. They make my life sparkle.  Small group is interesting. New job is cool but i feel a lot of pressure. I've never done anything like this before, but i know the bar is high....slash...all the controversy over how i behave in a work place....i just feel like I'm not going to live up to whatever anyone wants me to be/do. I do really work with some of my absolute favorite people ever, so that makes things less scary.

Slash...What do you do when  one of the people you love most in the whole world IS YOUR BOSS? the expectations are different and the steaks are somehow much higher....

and it could all explode and ruin everything...and i'm not sure why i continue to play roulette with my heart....but i feel like....it'll be good. but there still a possibility that at some point i'll be back to square one.

I'm just staring at a blank canvass....stories yet to be written and somehow developing new characters and story lines...because some how everything has changed....and sometimes i feel like writing alone.

My heart's trying to walk through it, but...sometimes i just need someone to climb into bed with me and watch a movie.

unrelated....totally obsessed with the new Katy Perry album. Roar will be my anthem.

I will pull it together especially since i've now told you all my secrets.

who would have known how bittersweet this would taste.

Today, just in this moment, I'm giving myself permission to feel all the things that are stirring that are the opposite of  optimism.

I am feeling awkward, and sad and disappointed and like an alien in all the spaces that once felt like home.

Today, i felt invisible. And apparently I've made my family feel like I'm too busy for them so....the dont' call me on my birthday.

Which wouldn't be a big deal if wasn't already feeling a multiple levels of melancholy.

and it rained and was cold so there was no apple orchard.

This year i didn't even blow out any candles, and it feels like this is the year i need to make some big wishes.

Thankfully the A-team is amazing and make up for what ever I'm lacking. they're always good and always sweet .

so...I'm about to suck it up because we got biggeer fish to fry. Like a pregnant single mom who needs some love.

I'm not lost, just wandering....

sometimes you just get sad on your birthday and the only thing to do is lay in the bed you grew up in and listen to the rain and the fall music mix on spotify and know that today is really just another day.

I turn 29 in 22 minutes. As i'm reflecting on my life, as i frequently do when my birthday rolls around, I am thinking about all the times my dad had to yell at me when i was younger. There were a lot. I  gave them a run for their money, but not in a super rebellious way.

After he'd yell, lecture or give me my punishment, he'd look at me with real stern Joe Case eyes, which are real hazel but they get real green when he's pissed, he'd say " Homie Don't Play"

and then leave the room.

and then i would weep.

Today, though, i giggle. I missin' those crazy parents of mine.

So here's to being 29, in my 30th year and letting it be what it is for better or worse....

I could cry when i think that my biggest blessing has come in the form of a little bit of heartache and 4 people.

the best thing about this year? Them.

What do you do with a girl like....nicole?

So today I'm been presented with an interesting situation:

What do I  say about why I left and how things are going to people who don't know all the details.

I guess i wasn't really ready for that today and i didn't know what to say.

and as per usual, it got awkward.

you can trun a phrase into a weapon or a drug....

"We are so limited, you have to use the same word for loving Rosaleen as you do for loving Coke with peanuts. Isn't that a shame we don't have many more ways to say it?”  - The Secret Life of  Bees.

I've been out of words lately, but this, exactly this. I wish there were more words.

We'll be counting stars....

I feel like my year has been book ended by Octobers..

And nothing has been the same since that wedding and that season and that Halloween with my A-Team.

there will probably never be sufficient words to grasp how weird and special and significant it all is.

even at my worst ,i'm best with you.........

Thankful that my people are the kind that make me always want be be a better human.

there's beauty in the break down....

i picked up my college girl this weekend. Good know that there are constants in my life.

everything is weird.

But on Friday i went to get my girl. I hugged her after two months, and she looked older. She showed me her dorm and her roommates and friends and her campus. I pictured her with coffee in hand, walking to class, listening to music while growing up into who she's becoming.

The only silence in the car was when we took music breaks to sing to Adele and Katy perry and Taylor.

our old stand bys. Friends who never change, and with each song, we talked more about what is happening, and what has happened.

And we laughed. and it was beautiful.

We made a pit stop in Eau Claire. Beautiful Eau Claire and I showed her around my old college campus. And she pictured 18 year old me discovering this big world in between novels and sips of coffee and lesson plans.

There is something cool about seeing places your people love and seeing it through their eyes. Hearing them talk about why they love something, sharing in that excitement, it's fun and memorable, and never a waste of time.

And we drove home taking in OUR Season. So many full circle moments. It was beautiful.

And today, we had breakfast, the three of us, and we all caught up and laughed about how dumb the dogs are. Then, we drove to st. Paul and she told me everything that she had realized in the last 7 weeks and we talked about her mom, and God and how we are just the strangest little duo but we're thankful for how rare and weird and special we are.

And picking her up is something i always do. She is my girl and i think we both needed to see how true that still is.

This it's birthday week, and I'm not even feeling it a little, which is ridiculous because i love justifying things that are ridiculous with "whatever, it's birthday week"

last year on my 28th birthday, I ate pizza and went to a movie with Sam and Julia and i loved everything about it. I ate really great food with the people i loved and we laughed a lot.

and that's all i ever want to happen.

Whatever happens this week, I'm super thankful that i got to spend the weekend with my Ju like I did. I needed it as much as she did.

I have no boundries, call me a gyspy.....

Sometimes I'm dumb and i feel like a gypsy and like things are about to change.

And I'm not about that life.

and my birthday's in a week and half so really great time to reflect on everything that hasn't happened.

So, we're adding another person to the house. It's absolutely the right thing to do. It's what we are called to do for sure, and She's super sweet and needs love and support and a community.

I believe all of that.

But it comes at sacrifice and the only child in me is not having it. it's JUST STUFF. i know that. I really, really do.  I'm usually so good at sharing but when it comes to my people, i don't wanna share.

and it's less about sharing and more about our dynamic changing, our relationship changing and this fear of being replaced or a season being over...or....something.

so i need to get to a place where i'm cool with all of it, and i will. Today, i'm just not there.

 

love's not easy, but it's' worth it.....

Sometimes incredibly emotional moments happen, and sometimes i let people experience them with me, which is actually pretty rare. I cry a lot, but when it's about real stuff-the stuff that scares me, or tugs at my heart- that stuff? i cry about when no one's around. it's just easier that way.

but sometimes, I let myself be sad, i kind of drop the stuff I've been carrying- which...as i think about Katie's "prophetic side note" of two years ago....i think it interpreted it all wrong...and now...well...the garbage bag on my back...holds new meaning. I don't even know. It probably wasn't even real, actually, so I'm forcing meaning into things that have none.

anyway...there I sat, on Sunday night in the car after an incredibly emotional (in a good way) weekend, lots of tears, and words and thoughts that didn't really make much sense. I said out loud what i often wonder in my head. Things I hadn't wonder about with anyone... I sat in my own confusion and for once didn't really try to make sense of it. It just was.

In the midst of that, I saw on the tiniest, babiest level, what it was like for her to live that reality 7 years ago. When you get a glimpse into other people's worlds, you just understand better...you'll never really get it, but you get....closer....it seems more real....the struggle is almost tangible.

In that moment my heart broke for her. Knowing that was reality all the time and that there was a new baby and she was alone, basically.  My heart broke not in a way that was like "oh i feel so bad", but More of....holy shit...she's incredible to have come through that. And the restoration that has happened since then, that doesn't happen with out Jesus.  God is crazy and he really does use the most broken parts of life to preach, to connect us, to teach us.

For whatever reason, Sunday night in the driveway, i saw a different part of Lisa. I saw her my age being scared and confused and angry about having to be in the trenches of hell, and watching someone she loved in the midst of addiction and I don't think that's insignificant.

i dont' even know how to end this...i have nothing wise to say, or thought to leave you with...so I'm not even going to try. I've just been thinking about that moment a lot today and I don't want to forget it any time soon.

In my important relationships, there are just moments that are super memorable, and this was one them. I don't know that's she'll ever remember the night we sat in her car and i lost my shit and she told me a little bit of what it was like for her...but i will, and I'll remember it being a moment that I understood her a little bit better...and loved her more because of it.

God's funny. and i am thankful.

i got the eye of the tiger....

What happens when Lisa asks "what if we took in a pregnant girl"

nobody knows.

but we're all about to find out.  Together.

Stay tuned kids, this is going be one for the books.

pray for her, and us and let's just see what God has in store for us, you know?

I'm gonna write about it, and we'll see what comes of it.

I'm currently half excited and half, well....not.

The not part is just unsure how it's all gonna work, and a little territorial when it comes to sharing my people, and knowing that some things will change and our kitchen table time might look different. Also, space...and who goes where and whatnot....it's all...well....uncharted.

the excited part of me is happy for all the right reasons, it's gonna be an experience that will stretch us, deepen our relationships and we get to for real do something crazy and love people radically. also, there will eventually be a baby. A baby girl.

And if you want any adult thats not you around your daughter, it's Lisa...and maybe me. We are a pretty bitchin' (no pun intended) team.

I get to go on this ride with the people i love the most and watch how it changes all of us.

That's pretty neat.

There should be an instruction manual for life.

turns out, i'm just little old me.....

i really like to be a favorite. a best friend. the one who gets it right 97 percent of the time and reads all the signals well, and who knows what to do and how to respond before it anything happens. I like knowing people well.

that's not my currently reality and the truth is, I'm not interested in trying to get there, really. I should be trying to one up people and out "thoughtful" them, but I'm not. I'm kind of tired.

I'm just gonna be who i am, and i don't care if sometimes i swear, or never wear make up, or am not trendy. When I'm super on my game, I'm charming and funny and sweet, and snarky at the same time.

I'm like a war head, sour at first then sweet at the center. Because at the end of the day i just want to be nice.

I just feel like I'm supposed to be winning everyone's heart and i have no idea how to it and i don't know if want to.

I just feel awkward and like I'm in the way all the time. 

Isn't that the dumbest things you've ever heard?  yeah. i think so too. i hope this phase of awkward dies quickly.

Life starts all over again when it gets crisp in the fall.....

“How well can we really know another person? People can be in your lives for years- they can fill your lives. But all you really know of them are the stories they tell you. And then they die. They always leave a mystery behind.”  - The Summer We Read Gatsby


I have nothing to say about this, really, except that i love it. I love the idea that that after you die, you're something people wonder about. the air of mystery just seems magical. I'm all about magical feelings lately.

 Words make my heart warm, and the people who put phrases together that roll around in your brain for hours and days. The people who manage to put into words what you can't. What you're thinking or feeling, the people who make you feel like you're not alone, that someone gets it and can articulate memories, feelings and moments with the exact right words.

To those people, I raise my coffee cup to you this morning.

Your warm whispers, out of the dark, they carry my heart....

Bless this mess
and the unrest.
and what's done
and yet to come.

amen.

Julia, sleeping sand, silent cloud......

So. I have a Julia. She's 18 and in her freshman year of college, where she is learning about the world and herself, and she's 5 hours away.  So I have to watch it all happen from the sidelines. But there is a place in my heart reserved only for her.

 

She has a twin, and an older sister, and i love them, too, so much. But Julia and I we have this super cool, super weird, super strong connection. I helped her pass Spanish, mend several broken hearts and i gave her a safe place to land when shit got real.  She is the little sister I never had. 

 

And I'm so thankful for that spitfire of an 18 year old. you don't even know. I get protective and jealous when other people try to speak into her life....which is dumb but....it's who i am...so get over it.

 

As you'd expect with teenagers, sometimes she feels really far away from. She pulls away when she's making not so great choices, and come running when she doesn't know what to do, and what she's learning, and I am, too, i guess, is how we love each other through it all. We've had our share of disagreements. We've fought like siblings, and i have to play the "adult" card sometimes, which is hard but necessary. She hates it but she also knows I do it because I care about her.

 

Some of our most sacred moments, where the really good things happen, have been in the car after picking her up form school and bringing her home. I've learned what it means to stand in the gap for someone and she's learned that there are people she can trust.

 

And it all started in the Fall, at Nina's over coffee and next to a boy who looked like John Mayer, when i had no idea what was going on in her family, and neither of us had any idea how important the other would become.

 

I keep tabs on her, (you would, too, don't even act like you wouldn't, I'm sure you all have siblings, since I'm the only one in the universe who is actually an only child.) and sometimes i worry that our super cool secret bond was a season....but I don't think it is, i think in the chapter our relationship just looks a little different, and that's cool because we need room to grow and change. When you're able to grow and change differently together, well, that's the sign of a forever thing.

 

Tonight, after leaving the youth group I am currently serving in. I was thinking about those girls, and how that was once Julia. Just some girls lookin' for some love and support from someone who isn't their parent, who need help figuring life out, and how blessed i feel to stand in that space. Yet, i'm a little sad because i know they aren't Julia. And i miss that little starfish.

 

She's incredible. She's so talented, has such an amazing heart and I'm certain that mark she'll leave on this place will be big, and oh, so lovely.

 

As i was feeling nostalgic, and missin' that Ju, she sent me this:

 

 

You know what almost mad me cry today?

I was picturing our beginnings. In my like...sorrows. of my mom and everything. and just being in your apartment in st paul. and how now im here. and you are giving your light to these new beautiful girls...and i know 100% i am not replaced but still, times are changing. It's not a bad sad. just a nostalgic kind of love sad.

and picturing how you've been there for so many things with me.

like my mom.

and watching gilmore girls after caleb destroyed my heart

and the season final

finale*

my graduation

and picking me up from college

and it all just made me cry

and also like, autumn is our SEASON.

 

 

In case you're wondering, i cried. I miss her and I love her. In about a week and a half, I get to go pick her up from school and bring her home for a week. 5 hours in the car with her and i get her all to myself. We'll drink coffee, and talk and sing Taylor Swift, and Katy Perry. The she'll get sleepy and put in her ear buds and sleep because silence is ok with us and the car is our place.  Added bonus: She's coming home during birthday week and that's probably the best birthday present ever.

 

So, I'm feeling mighty sure that young people are my calling. So glad that I don't always know how everything's going to unfold, because this journey I've been on with the Ju and her family has been gut wrenching, and hard, but God is all over it. He is in the good places and in the sad ones, and trucking along side us as we speed off into the future.  Had i known all that would unfold, i might have chickened out. Instead, I've gotten my heart broken and found Jesus in the scattered pieces.

 

And he's putting us all back together. I literally don't know if there is anything more amazing than that.

 

Maybe your "Julia" looks different, but is there someone in your life that's on your mind or tuggin' at you heart? You should probably pay attention to that because it could take you on a beautiful, life changing ride.