it's gonna be a happy new year....

Let's just all remember that this year is full of beautiful possiblity and potential and the power lies within us to make it great.

So do at least one thing you've always wanted to. Say the things you've alwasy wanted to say, and love people with your whole heart, even if it means that it might be a little beat up.

happy 2014! I hope it's beautiful.

We're all mad here.....

If we're going to get along, here is what you need to know about me. I'm perpetually 7 years old. I'm into all things girly and I will probably always see the world with a rosey set of lenses.

Except on the days when i hate everyone. On those days, things can get a little dicey.

If you haven't noticed, I'm into the word dicey lately. I have no idea why, or where it came from. It just is a thing, for now....

Also, i go through phrases like it's my job. Currently, I'm into gold, and homemade eveythings, hand me downs, and musicals.

But, always, since forever, I've been into fairy tales. I've been watching Once a lot lately. Literally today probably watched 7 episodes because i'm a fool and i get real excited about things sometimes. So...yeah. Fairy Tales are neat. There's magic and true love and enchanted things. and those are basically all my love languages.

But to be fair, as much as i do love a good Princess, and i do, I love more the whole Peter Pan, Alice In Wonderland type of thing. Wendy and Alice and Tinker Bell, they are my kind of people. They're strong, and sassy and smart and they can take on pirates and jabberwokys and they don't need saving. Unless you're tinker bell and people stop believing in you, then...maybe, but i think everyone would need saving from unbelief.   Bring on the adventure and fairy dust and things being a little bit backwards and clever.

And everyone needs a little whimsy in their life....whether it's the Bob Goff kind or the Wonderland kind, sometimes you just have to do things that make you smile and make you brave and make you fly...

I've become increasingly more convinced that when we experience something we love, something that lights us up, that builds us up, and makes us feel alive....or when we are with people that make us feel like we could fly or that good things do happen...well, I think we learn what it's like to feel infinite, and i just think we need to grab on to all those opportunities because most of the time we're fighting against the world making us feel small.

I don't have a point so much as i do just have an general love of fairy tales even as an adult, and I kind of think everyone should.

those are my 2 cents for today.

 

 

and i'm done with rando picture posts and harping on new year's .

 

 

 

2013 brought a lot of things, but mostly it brought people i love a lot. Here's to my kindred fave girl, who i don't think will ever know how much i love her existence.

No day but today...

Ive been really into Rent again. I feel really good about it. I get into musical phases and then all i want to do is go to New York and watch show or 100.

i have a self esteem binder. Yep, it's weird.  It is home to magazine clippings, letters, cards and pictures given to me by the people i love most in this life.

It is what and who makes my heart beat stuffed into a binder.  Its pictures from 8 year olds, magazine clippings i love, old calendars, cards from people i love, and it begins with a letter.  A letter from someone who doesn't even play a supporting role in my life anymore.

The old best friend. The old college roommate. The once sister from another mister. The thing is, though, I can't get rid of it. It's just sweet and exactly who we were when she gave it to me. And although, i can't remember what it was like, really, to be her best friend, i remember what it felt like to graduate from college and be so sad that such an amazing time of my life was ending yet so excited for all that was to come. I'm in a constant state hopeful and nostalgic. Though i never want to go back to any time of my life...i just like to remember with a sort of sleepy romantic ideal of what was.

So, we are 3 days from a new year. In 2014, i will turn 30 and it kind of scares me a little. As much as I so over my 20s, i don't know who well i'm rocking this "adult" life style. I still feel very much like a 22 year old most days.

And i'm becoming someone i never would have predicted. i like it, but my map doesn't really work right so mostly, I'm just guessing a lot. and i don't to do the best job of bullshitting my way through life anymore.

So, here i sit, looking at tangible reminders that there are people who love me a lot, that even though i've never really been anywhere, and nothing completely tragic has ever happened to me personally, i've been through the hills and the valleys, and i've seen lifetimes of struggle and heartbreak. I've celebrated babies, and marriages, friends, and family.

It's all part of the tapestry that is my life. Tapestry is probably a pretty cliche term to use...but...it's a work of art, my life. Yours, too. It's full handcrafted memories, jagged edges, sharp lines, and colors mixed specifically for me or for you...and apparently i ride the metaphor train hard today.

hmm. well....i'm real pensive today with a hint of annoyance with teenagers who have an entitlement issues. and general end of the yearness.....

I need some Jesus. Thankful for Sunday night services and a really great worship leader.

We all start over with a pristine slate....

It's real nice feeling when you finally feel like you've caught your breath....

I love New Year's Eve. and New Year's Day a lot.

For starters, they are an opportunity to get dressed up, and i associate them with being sparkly. which is a type of Synesthesia I'm sure. I also am really into recapping things, making lists and having a reason to hang out with my favorite people and drink things that make my cheeks rosey.

Anyway, this year, I have no New Years Eve plans which is kind of lame but it's ok, too, because i have nothing to wear. I like to remember the epic new years eve when we all lost our minds, i drank straight of the punch bowl...and most of us ended up crying and yelling...and the heel of my boot broke and then i had to break the other on off, too...and then i looked like the wicked witch, and Melissa forgot her id, but at the end of the night we sang the spice girls, and the morning after..we were all hung over but we laughed, so, so much....

anyway, though my plans don't include the people i normally spend NYE with, i think it's just beautiful that I'm bookending 2013 with the A-team...i mean...poetic is the only way to describe it. This time, though, i'm not locked out of anywhere and i'm not sad. i'm just thankful. For everything that this year has brought.  

So, i'm not one for resolutions for a bunch of reason but mostly because, well, sometimes i suck at follow through, but there's just funny little bucket list of things I am thinking about for 2014.

1. go to the Judy Garland museum in Grand Rapids.
2. go to at least one really great concert.
3. i'm going to say yes to more things that are fun and no to the things that are life sucking.
4. i'm going to everything i've committed to, and i'm going to do it well.
5. winter carnival.
6. i'm going to read more.
7. I'm going to find a place to volunteer outside of church.
8. i'm going celebrate things and people that are important to me.
9. more laughter. fewer tears.
10. i'm just going to try to love everyone and everything more than i did before.

2013 was all about refining and transformation and the reality is that i'm going to hit the ground running, letting go of all the shit  and the hard the made my heart hurt. So i'm flipping some tables and giving some fingers to all the things that were weighing me down.

so that's a thing that's happening. I like laughing and being happy and that's exactly what i'm doing to do. And also, maybe get a second job, because at some point i need to continue being and adult.

Only bad witches are ugly.....

I guess the world didn't stop, for my broken heart....

If this year has been about anything, it's been about becoming, and resilience.

There have been some rough roads for sure, but for the most part, we're overcoming, like a freakin' boss.

When 2013 started, I was, literally, locked out of all the places I could live. Literally my keys for my real apartment were locked into the place I was house sitting. I had the clothes I was wearing and 50 bucks. Not my finest or most glamorous hour, for sure.

2013 was off to a rock star start, which should come as no surprise seeing as how my 2012 was a total train wreck. Which, i guess is good for me, sometimes. Struggle makes you appreciate all the times things are easy, and the people who limp alongside you when they're not.

I transitioned quickly from wearing the same clothes for 4 days and sleeping on a couch into getting unlocked and finding myself staring into the face of addiction and finally understanding how over my head i was with everything.

The things is, I like to help, but sometimes I have no idea what I'm doing, and sometimes the helping is more about me than it is about the other people. It's about wanting to be needed and loved and the problem solver. It's being someone's 3 am call because some how that determines my self worth. So sometimes, helping can end up hurting....everyone.

Somewhere in being over my head, and nervous and confused, my heart started to crack...and eventually through a series of events, it just kind of shattered.

The thing about pressure and weak things, is that eventually something has to give. At some point you cannot sustain. You stop juggling, or you drop your load, or you slip and fall.

and it all comes to a crashing halt. And that sucks for you, but the rest of the world? It just keeps right on going.

So you have to learn to catch you breathe, and clean up the pieces  and keep going like everyone else.

and that's hard.  In doing so, I learned a lot.

1. I can run when my tank is empty, but it will make me crazy, and moody and mean to all the wrong people.

2. when i dont' know what to do, i get impulsive and i just react, most of the time, thinking with my heart and not with my head.

3. i will do anything for the people i care about, but sometimes i care about people who just seem to suck the life out of me.

4. I needed better boundaries. I needed to take some breaks.  I needed to have hard conversations. I needed to take care of myself better than i was. I needed to give my heart time to heal. I needed to stop being what i thought people needed and start being who i am.

So...yeah, there I was sad, and hurt and walking away from the people who i thought were my tribe of weirdos. My 3 am calls, my places of rest. What do you do when you realize, that those people aren't what you thought? What do you do when you struggle to find God in any of  it?

Well, if you're me, first you cry. Then you listen to the bossy person standing in front of you, who you'll only later realize God put right in front of you to help your heart heal and to tell you the truth, even if you didn't want hear it.  The catch was, though, that somehow these people were going to become a part of you and you'd have to be honest and real and uncensored with them and you'd have to learn from them and love them and that heart that was broken? You'd have the give them a piece of it, with the chance that it'll get broken again...and it will but for the right reasons.

And what do you do when you watch people you love a lot mess up a lot. What to you do when you see them hurt the other people you love a lot? How do you love them instead of being mad at them? How do you know when you offer your opinion instead of keeping our mouth shut. How do you extend grace when you don't want to. How you love people like Jesus does, when you feel like they don't deserve it? How do you stop your heart from being hardened by the fact people are broken and human and will do dumb shit that will cause a lot of heart ache. What do you even do with that?

I'm not a grudge holder, really, but i'm still learning how to let people off the hook for their brokenness. I'm trying to understand what unconditional love is, and whether or not i believe it's even possible. I'm still not sure what to do with people i love getting totally leveled by life and knowing there is nothing i can do to make it better. I'm still trying to pray "your will be done" and mean it ever single time. Because some journeys seems way too painful  and beyond my understanding. I don't like not being in control.

So in the hard, where was God?

Like for real. Well, he is in second chances, and forgiveness and the grace that was extended to me for everything that i didn't do that i was supposed to, for the snarky, for the sass for the falling by the wayside that i let happen. He was in the learning and the growing and the pruning and that happened. He was in four people who were dumb enough to love me like their own. He was in the church that welcomed me with open arms. He was in the job that i loved and the co-wokers that make my heart smile. He was in every single kitchen table conversation, every car ride, every head butting that lead to better understanding.

He was in all of it, and he's here now, teaching me things about Him and people and myself that i would not know had I not accepted this path where i don't control anything.

And it kind of sucks. learning how to forgive and be humbled and to see yourself in your own brokenness...it's off putting, it's unattractive, but necessary.


It's been a hard year, there's been a lot of forgiving and rebuilding and becoming that's had to happen, but hearts are strong and they bounce back and the pieces find their way home, and eventually your heart beats get stronger and you feel like yourself again.

Heart's desire.....

I mean all I want to do right now is recap 2013 but i'm not ready quite yet.

I will say this, though, everything is kind of a mess but it the most amazing sort of way. There's lots of getting back to roots and branching out and finding the people who make you better.

And there's a just a lot becoming and returning and blossoming. So much so that i can't resent the journey, even a little.

I am more me than i ever have been and i've found a tribe of weirdos that let me be just that.

and as i type this i am dreaming big and setting the bar high on the next year in an open hand kind of way.

I'm so thankful for my family. Those people who make me better, love me not matter what and show me the way.

so blessed.

i am a combination of hand-me downs, good advice, hard lessons learned, late nights, big fights, loud laughs, and maybe one carmel latte too many.

It's the first day of winter....

“Winter is the time for comfort, for good food and warmth, for the touch of a friendly hand and for a talk beside the fire: it is the time for home.”

It's going to be a white Christmas. I'm going to be surrounded by the people who love me more than I could ever understand.

Jesus came  A promise was kept and made real in a tiny little baby, and it changed EVERYTHING.

I love winter. I love Christmas.

Welcome, Friend.

Just In case you need to be reminded today

i found this today, It's something I wrote for my students and gave them at the beginning of the school year

 So, because it's almost the start of a new year, and because as much as Christmas is amazing, it can also be hard and sad....

and maybe we all just need to hear this...

"Just in case you need to be reminded today..."

Right now....

Someone is proud of you. Someone is thinking about you. Someone is caring about you. Somebody misses you. Somebody wants to talk to you. Somebody wants to be with you. Somebody hopes you're not in trouble. Someone is thankful for the support you've provided. Somebody wants to hold your hand. Somebody hopes everything turns out all right. Somebody wants you to be happy. Somebody wants you to find him/her. Somebody is celebrating your successes. Somebody thinks you're a gift. Somebody wants to hug you. Somebody loves you. Somebody wants to shoulder the world for you. Somebody admires your strength.  Somebody wants to be your shoulder to cry on. Somebody wants to protect you. Somebody wants to go out and have a lot of fun with you. Somebody would do anything for you. Somebody wants to be forgiven. Somebody is grateful for you forgiveness. Someone is praising GOD for you. Somebody needs to know your love is unconditional. Somebody values your advice. Somebody treasures your spirit. Somebody is praising God for your friendship. Somebody can't wait to see you. Somebody loves you for who you are. Somebody hears a song that reminds them of you. Somebody has faith in you. Somebody trusts you. Somebody needs your support. Somebody needs your faith in them. Somebody needs you to let them be your friend.

my thoughts are every which way but loose, so borrowed words will have to do....

She wasn't bitter. She was sad, though. But it was a hopeful kind of sad. The kind of sad that just takes time

“You're  a wallflower. You see things. You keep quiet about them. And you understand.” 

my life currently.

pieces of my heart

 

And that’s good. That’s so good. That’s how we do it, people like me, for better and for worse. We connect. We give away little bits of our hearts. But here’s the trick: we’re given back so many pieces of other people’s hearts along the way. Looking back at this year, I left a lot of my heart a lot of places. But I came home with handfuls and handfuls of stories and hugs and tears and connections.


this is so good. As per usual, i can totaly relate .

LOVE THIS

No perfect people allowed

I mean here are some more things i have to say.

Tonight i was at a staff holiday party at a church where i work. I work at a church. I work at a church. Sometimes I still can't believe it.  It has actually been my dream, as lame as that sounds, for a while now.  A dream that would have never really been real had it not been for some super key people. Well, mostly one key person.

I do Internet stuff, which I'm absolutely not qualified to do, but some how, it is working out pretty OK. I think. I also volunteer at the youth group. I hang out with 9 wicked smart, funny, beautiful senior girls who will change the world. I am so proud of them and i love them so, so, so much.

And, really, i love everyone i work with. They are all eclectic and eccentric and dramatic in ways that i'm not. Some are absolutely my people and others aren't, but really, they have amazing hearts. They love Jesus and they are doing the best they can.

And for all the crazy, there's a whole lot of good coming out of that place. Peoples lives are changed. People feel like they belong somewhere. People are saying the most important "yes" they will ever say.  And to watch that happen? To watch God answer prayers, and do his thing in a way that i can see? Well, how can you not love that?

I never thought I'd leave my artsy, baby, little church in the city for and established, suburban, big church. I  never thought that there were people who would love me even when they didn't need me to do something for them.

I also never thought that i'd be working for my favey for life. I also didn't think it would be hard, but it is, but in a good, refining way. She pushes me to do better, think bigger, try harder. I feel like she's my biggest critic and strongest encourager. She's got my back and as much as she's  the first one to call me on my bullshit, she's absolutely the one that will jump in the ring for me, first. I love her for all of that. I love that she trusts me, challenges me, and loves me well. I'm pretty sure no one has loved their boss, as much as i do. I also am pretty sure that there is an empolyee that would literally jump in front of a train for their boss...so...she's kinda lucky, too.

So, really, while my path is pretty unpaved, and random and has lots of stops and starts, I am living some big dreams of mine. I get to be where i want to be, and spend my time with who i want to spend my time with. I can love Jesus with my whole heart, but cuss a little, too.  It's hard, it's sometimes insane, but it's so, so, beautiful.

I never saw myself at Crossroads or in the grove, or loving the people that i love, but Praise G for real that he wins and that i listen, even though i'm mostly stubborn.

So tonight, I think i will put away my snark, and just feel nothing but deep gratitude for all that i have, and all the people that love me the best way they know how.

Tonight, i'll forget about the sad stuff, the hard things that tend to leave me jaded, and i'll be thankful for the way people trust me, give me opportunities to learn and lead and walk along side me while i do it.

And the people who saw something in my that i didn't see? The ones who sat through awkward coffee as i processed and slowly but surely gave up more of myself to God. The ones who made me talk when  i didn't want to, and understood when i didn't have the words.  The ones to took off the training wheels and let me run with whatever i had in my hands. The ones who love me, who tell me the truth and continue to push me to do things i never thought i could do, I guess I owe them an awful lot.

I know that thank you will never suffice. I dont' think there are any words i could put together in a pretty little paragraph that would adequately convey my gratitude.

I'll just gladly spend my life making sure they know how much i love them.

Here's what i'm sick of hearing you tell young girls....

"choose the man that doesn't want a piece" " don't pick a man who wants to play house" "don't let your boo be the center of your world."

Here's what i want to hear:

You are strong. You are capable. You are passionate. You are smart. You can do anything. Your dreams are not crazy. Your heart is beautiful. You radiate light. How you treat people matters.

Try hard. Learn to love yourself. Do the hard work. Go to school. Get a job. ASK if you have questions. It's ok not to know how to do things, but it's not ok to not do anything about that. Be proactive. Be courageous. Be Brave. Be NICE.

You are worth the effort. You are washed clean. You are not defined by your mistakes but they ARE a part of you and your story. LEARN from your mistakes.

Figure out what makes your heart beat, what makes you excited. Find out what you're good at. Have a hobby that's not the Internet, or hooking up or going to parties.

Read. See movies. Goo to concerts. (if you can afford) Figure out how to budget money, and how to save money.

Figure out who you are. Tell the truth. Be humble.

Learn how to love yourself. Respect yourself.  Understand your priorities. 

The guys will come, but you only have this time to be young.

open the Bible. Take time to let to words swirl in your head.

And then breathe in the grace and mercy God has for you. Exhale doubt and hate and insecurity.

You are fearfully and wonderfully made, but you have to do some work to understand what that means. you are enough. You are unique in the best way. You are worth the effort. You are not defined by your marital status.

Love is a journey. Love is a relationship. Love is alive. Love will find it's way to you.

Love wins.

"she loved Gin, and dogs, and four letter words, and frank sinatra"

This is about Ava Gardner. I kind of love it. Mine would go something more like....

"she loved Cabs, and poetry, and for letter words, and frank sinatra"

oh. Sometimes people put words together is the exact right way....

I'm also reading this Nora Ephrom book called "i remember nothing" and it's brilliant and makes me always want to to watch "when harry met sally" and "you've got mail"

love. i'm really excited for a super great week!

it's beginning to look a lot like christmas.....

Today has literally just been the best day. Sometimes i really love being introverted. I love doing things alone and cranking them out.

It was actaully just the perfect winter day. It's been snowing off and on, and it's warm- ahem...warm for winter, i guess, and everything is pretty.  I felt really great about my outfit today, and as per ususal, i'm rockin at least 10% lisa which i love.

So, i ran to savers, went grocery shopping, tried only half successfully to shovel the snow, started the laundry, kinda cleaned out the fridge...then i got to sell mugs.

Mug sales are so fun. I love, love, love being at church on the weekends. Everyone was in a really great mood and i just got really excited about Jesus, like it kinda made me weepy. I was kinda bummed about how everyone seems to be excelling and i'm just kinda here....always biding my time....but i just feel so happy to be where i am. I have literally had the opportunity to learn to much and participate in so much. I just needed a reminder. I also sold mugs with some really great ladies. I love them. So fun to chat and work at the same time.

After church, i ran to Target, bought "for sale" signs for my car and maybe a present for Nick. Not sure how i feel about it, yet. It might go back. HOWEVER. i did buy plain postal wrapping paper that intent to make pretty and use as wrapping paper. I AM SO EXCITED ABOUT IT. look out pinterest, i feel good about this project.

also at target i bought the Holiday because i love it. I will continue to do laundry and watch it by the light of the Christmas tree....i might watch parenthood first...i might not...i kind want to wait for lisa,I like watching stuff with her but i don't think she cares and she always get distracted by other things....well...We will just see....

Today was just really great. I hope you day was just as stellar. Christmas is almost here! so pumped about it. Unfortunately i do not think i'll make it to the holidazzle this year. which is kind of tragic as it's the last year....i'll survive, though. I can always drive down Summit. and also there's always Winter Carnival.

Someone take me on a sleigh ride, already. :)

t

love this song. I used to really, really love Jewel. "hands" is my favorite album.

light it up....

I'm real passionate about making my own wrapping paper this year. I need some brown paper and some star stamps and some gold paint.

i'll make my own tags, too.

Right now i'm so sleepy and i feel real cozy. I'm torn between being less than thrilled that i'm going to bed at 9:30 on a friday and happy that i don't have to be anywhere or do anything....i can just go to bed.

I mean...i'll never find my a boy that way.

I'm really into the Ellie Goulding song "burn" in case you were wondering.

these are my thoughts currently.

someday, someday, maybe.....

Some days I feel like i've made a million wrong turns. Today i feel real punchy and like i might just burst into tears at any minute. It's has nothing to do with caffeine, as i have had a regular amount needed to not make me lose my mind.

Tonight, i'll catch up on parenthood and i'll maybe watch love actually or the holiday or some other movie that makes me feel good about life. Youve Got Mail and Runaway Bride are fall movies, so those are out.

maybe, While You Were Sleeping....


someday, i'll write a book and all your names will be different, but you'll get to know what i really think about everything.

I just an enigma lately. No one can quite figure me out.

and we'll live and we'll laugh, in the time that we have....

Should old aquaintance be forgot and never brought to mind...This was one of my faves traditions.

Last year i spent new years eve without them for the first time in 5 years. Turns out, though, that life with out them...is kinda great even though i miss them sometmes.

 

Currently i'm real proud of two play lists of mine. Their titles:

1. Happy little songs
and
2. winter- songs to watch the snow....

They are works in progress but i'm having way too much fun with it.

You're gonna make me lonesome when you go....

Today kinda felt like the end of something, not in a bad way, per say, but in a kinda way that makes you feel like you've lost something. Like when you realize that you're growing up and then suddenly wish to be 8 years old all over again.

I'm not really great at closing chapters, especially when i don't want them to end. There's just been soo much change, lately. I kinda max out at some point.

I had a lot of time to think today. 10 hours actually, and I've realized that i'm getting pretty good at internal processing, and that i'm not as crazy as i feel most days, and i haven't cried about anything in quite sometime, which maybe means that a storms brewin' or it means that i'm just calming the eff down, I can't quite tell which right now.

Also, the world just looks better with a coating of snow. Everything is sparkly, and quite and seems soft. Even the hard, sharp edges of the ice seem tolerable right now. And the anticipation of a promise kept is filling the air, and i think that is just the most beautiful thing. Jesus really feels alive right now.  I'm really excited about winter and i have a feeling that winter is gonna be really, really great. At least I hope so because summer and fall wrecked me. Real bad.

So. Here's to new chapters whatever they may look like.

think, lovely, wonderful thoughts.....and up you go...

and what was said to the rose to make it unfold......

I'm so gangster, you so thug....

These people? i'd catch a grenade for, jump in front of a train for, throw my hand on a blade for....lol...i mean for real, though.

Every year i make a jar of important memories from the year, this year, these people play a starin role in the majority. Getting locked out. movin' an office, body pump, kitchen tables africa. The end of october...this ride certainly has been....eventful.

Life is funny. Sometimes ha-ha funny, sometimes tragically funny, sometimes amazing-funny.

i didn't know when i met them...that they'd be so important. I feel like my life has been populated with people who are "like family"

These people? they are family. That's my kindred. <3 i'm super blessed. I hope they know.

I think nea Mitera is dumb.

there. i said it.

whatever.

Tolken. get's it right.

And then her heart changed, or at least she understood it; and the winter passed, and the sun shone upon her.

We got a lot to learn, but God knows we're worth it....

 

remember when these were the people i loved the most, and now i'm don't know how to know them like i did.

 

I miss them the most on Sunday nights. I miss "family dinner" and wine and good food we'd make together. and laughing. so much laughing.

 

i've decided though, that just because you miss something, doesn't mean that you can't be perfectly happy with the way things are now. I just really like that part of my life then.

 

And i'm learning, that while i've walked out on a lot of people, and they didn't chase after me, they're probably still worth the effort...so i'm going to figure out which ones are worth the effort.

 

Today was a good day. I feel like i'm where i'm supposed to be. i feel like some weight has been lifted off my shoulders and that i'm kind of starting to remember what its like to have my own life and do things just because i want to, or that are completely selfish because sometimes it gets exhausting thinking of everyone else first when i know that the majority of the people in life do not think about me first

 

nor should they, i'm kind of excited for the day, though, that i'm someone's somebody and i get factored into...something....

i have no choice, but i still choose you....

current list of things i'm into:

1. thinking about what it will be like to be pregnant/what i'll name my kids
2. this blue nail polish with silver sparkles
3. winter.
4. my knit scarf.
5. chrismtas lights.
6. hot chocolate. always. with whipped cream.
7. my job.
8. having a boy on my brain....and how that's awkward and cute and strange.
9. the holiday season
10. christmas music.
11. christmas lights
12. this season.
13. how much i really do enjoy my family. but also they're crazy.
14. getting to hug that college girl of my mine in less than a week.
15. remember where i was this time last year.
16. thinking about growth.
17. catching my breath
18. candles.
19. play lists
20. free samples from sephora.
21. perfect christmas presents
22. Advent.

end list.

Today was just a good day.

Thankful for days filled with laughter, and talking and normal life things we often don't pay attention to.

Today, I'm paying closer attention.

Is love alive?

three posts today. all nonsense of course. It's how I roll.

You should just all know that sometime i leave my door cracked open so that i can see the glow of the christmas lights from downstairs.

I love that hashtaggin is something that everyone is trying to do now. I think it's real sweet and we can all just giggle about it. Mostly, people make me crazy but you just can't help but be madly in love with them at the same time because they all try so hard and they mean well...and that's all you can really ask from anyone, right? for them to try to understand. I think the effort is lovely.

Love is so alive in the laughter, and the effort that people put in to trying to know you. It's in the struggle that ends with hugs and hand holding and even in tke awkwardness.....nobody really knows what they're doing, and those that claim to, are just full of shit. So let's just all be lost and confused together and let our hearts be our compasses and let's just be thankful for the people who are with us on this leg of journey....

I'm making a playlist called "Winter-songs to watch the snow fall" and i feel really great about it.

My college girl comes home soon, i'm gonna hug her a lot.

I feel really great about this holiday season, even though my effort to make my cube christmasy is officially "obnoxious" i'm ok with it, because it's just a cute little cube.


anyway....ive got a bit of a cold and i'm a bit of a baby about it.

eh...whaddayagonnado?

I wish i had a river so long......

maybe we were all just crazy to think this could all work out without speed bumps. Still, i hate the speed bumps.

However, this poem by billy collins, it's my favorite. so...let it's goodness sink in...

Nightclub

You are so beautiful and I am a fool
to be in love with you
is a theme that keeps coming up
in songs and poems.
There seems to be no room for variation.
I have never heard anyone sing
I am so beautiful
and you are a fool to be in love with me,
even though this notion has surely
crossed the minds of women and men alike.
You are so beautiful, too bad you are a fool
is another one you don't hear.
Or, you are a fool to consider me beautiful.
That one you will never hear, guaranteed.

For no particular reason this afternoon
I am listening to Johnny Hartman
whose dark voice can curl around
the concepts on love, beauty, and foolishness
like no one else's can.
It feels like smoke curling up from a cigarette
someone left burning on a baby grand piano
around three o'clock in the morning;
smoke that billows up into the bright lights
while out there in the darkness
some of the beautiful fools have gathered
around little tables to listen,
some with their eyes closed,
others leaning forward into the music
as if it were holding them up,
or twirling the loose ice in a glass,
slipping by degrees into a rhythmic dream.

Yes, there is all this foolish beauty,
borne beyond midnight,
that has no desire to go home,
especially now when everyone in the room
is watching the large man with the tenor sax
that hangs from his neck like a golden fish.
He moves forward to the edge of the stage
and hands the instrument down to me
and nods that I should play.
So I put the mouthpiece to my lips
and blow into it with all my living breath.
We are all so foolish,
my long bebop solo begins by saying,
so damn foolish
we have become beautiful without even knowing it.

our hands clasped so tight.....

i really just like this.

Satellie Call....

Today i feel real crummy about my body. I stood in the mirror and just stared and was annoyed. Also, my head feels like it's about to explode. It looks as though i'll be on a diet of water and cold medicine for a couple of days.

I also just realized that i missed our annual "Christmas cheer" party....mostly because i wasn't invited, and i'm a little bit sad about missing it because it's a fun tradition but i don't have any strong feelings about it.

So that says something.

The snow is here, it's real pretty. Also, the cold. That's undesirable at best.

But my cube is full of Christmas lights so i really like being at work.

I will now drink tea and get the eff out of this funk.

I'm into being honest these days. So that's where im at right now, it'll be better later today.

Also, Sara Bareillis' Blessed Unrest is my favorite thing.

Also, i've got this boy on the brain....that's weird. not all the time....just some of the time and i just don't know.

i'll bow out of place, save you some space....

i thought it might be fun to make a list of song that my titles for my blogs come from....

1. "caught in the inbetween..." Beautiful Disaster, Jon Mclaughlin
2 "bind my wandering heart"  Come Thou Fount, David Crowder
3. "you got somewhere to go and get found" Thank God for Hometowns, Carrie Undertwood
4. I'm Just a dreamer..." Better as a Memory, Kenny Chesney
5. i'm dont' buy the lines in magazines..." Real, live Woman, Trisha Yearwood
6. "they say, you can't go home again" The House the Built Me, Miranda Lambert
7. "Find your way back home" Back Home, Dave Barnes
8. "i don't need answers, i just need some peaces" When a Heart Breaks, Ben Rector
9. This drifter world..." Please Come to Boston, Dave Loggins
10. "Stuff and nonsense" Stuff and Nonsense, Missy Higgins
11. Stompa your hands" Stompa...i can never remember
12. so let my whole life be" Glory to God....every worship band ever.
13. " I try to love Jesus and myself" This is Me, Faith Hill
14. "let your heart, sweetheart be your compass," Compass, Lady A
15. "if the world was as it should be...." Oh My God, Jars of Clay
16. "me, i guess i was a shoulder to cry on" Last Chrsitmas, the Glee version
17. "not ready to make nice" Not Ready to Make Nice, Dixie Chicks
18. "if this is my right of passage...." Brave, Indina Menzel
19. "lights will guide you home" Fix You, Coldplay
20.  "I'll unfold for you, a life together"....I Choose You, Sara Bareilles
21. "i've been up and prayin hard" Counting Stars, One Republic
22.  "no one can hold me back..." Catching my Breath, Kelly Clarkson
23. "i keep wishin my life away" Things i'll ever say, Avril levigne
24. " i put my little black dress on" Little Black Dress, Sara Bareillis
25. "livin my life like it's golden" Golden, Jill Scott
26. "december, you've always been a problem child" December, Sara Bareillis
27. "you're not alone in how you've been" Bruises, Train
28.  "it takes two...." It' takes two, Kay Perry
29. "who would have known how bittersweet...." Someone like You, Adele
30.  "i'm not lost, just wandering" Hometown Glory, Adele
31. "You can turn a word in to a weapon or a drug" Brave, Sara Bareillis

that's it for now....it's a strange....mix of songs but i love them all for the lryics.

I just read an article....this is part of it. I love it. I am amening to myself.

Please don’t envy me because I am you, just with different features and freckly skin.
I have some really shitty days and some really good days. I cry, I yell, I laugh.
Sometimes, I get upset and I send impulsive texts filled with nonsense to my boyfriend, that I wish I could erase before they turn green.
There are days I feel confused, and days everything makes sense.
I have been offered some deserved opportunities over the years, a product of un-waivering discipline and hard work, but my daily life is quietly mundane; I spend most of my time with my daughters, or alone- writing and teaching at my studio.
I have issues with my parents. I have issues. Period.I have an obsession with pretzel m & m’s–I eat way too many of them.
I get lonely, really lonely–I cry and then, I get over it.I get angry, really angry–I yell or I cry and then, I get over it.
I look in the mirror in the morning, and I hate my hair.
Sometimes I want to throw my children out of a window because they drive me crazy when they fight.
I just finished yelling at them for not going to bed.
When I need a break from my seriousness, I watch awful movies on my computer in my bed while eating Triscuits.
I will go to sleep tonight at 8:30 because that’s how I roll. I don’t have a glamorous social life,
I’d rather be at home even if I had the option of being out on the scene.
I’m a girl who found what I love, and I work really damn hard for everything I have created.
Don’t envy me. I don’t envy you, because I know we are all the same–at least that’s my perspective.

Caught in the inbetween....a beautiful disaster....

Thinkin' of all the paths i've veered from. All the rights instead of lefts i've takin and where it's brought me.  All the yeses instead of nos. All the sacrafices. Wondering, hoping, holding my breath thinking about whether or not all the roads would lead here.

To this moment. it's nothing special, this moment, but all the choices have led me here.

I'm wondering if the hard, and the lonely and breakin' is all part of what's shaping me for something bigger? What if the something bigger, isnt' bigger? What if it's just being brave enough to do what is scary, or radical or unconventional.

See the things is, i was wired for something. but somewhere in the the process the wires got crossed and fried and i'm trying to figure out just how exactly to reconnect everything. I guess the beautiful thing is that sometimes i complete the circuit, and i light up and i do what i was made to do...but i have to find a way to keep the circuit together and i haven't found a way to do that yet.

Sometimes I wish I could take myself out of me and go into....you. Whoever "you" is. Someone who sees me not the way i see myself....or maybe like i see myself, i suppose it depends on the "you."

Would i look like i think i look, or would a different pair of eyes have more grace and see more beauty. Would i, as you, see all my real and perceived imperfections, or would you just see me? What do my spirit and my heart look like to my mom, my best friend, an acquaintance? Do i laugh too loudly, am i too proud, can you see that i'm trying to fake having it all figured out. Maybe if i knew i'm not fooling anyone it would be easier to accept that my life is not my own, and it's all part of a crazy plan that was created before the stars were hung in the sky.

What do my eyes tell you? Because as weird as it sounds, seeing me as you would probably help me see myself more clearly.

Still, seeing me is only a quick snap shot, a freeze frame of my life. Me now is not me in a year or even in 10 minutes, but still i think it would help us love each other more if we could see ourselves the way other people see us. for better or worse.

Most of the time i feel like i'm looking in a fun house mirror, imperfections accentuated, insecurities amplified, truths twisted so much that i barely recognize the person staring back at me.

How did i let myself believe that I'm not perfect the way i am? i have to have more friends, make more money, be more beautiful, be more successful, have more authority.

Especially when the truth is we were made to be more than a title on a door or the number on a pay check. When we let that define us, we let it confine us.

We need to break out, it's our time to shine.

The way we need to see ourselves is the way God sees us. Perfect, precious, and necessary.

bind my wandering heart to thee....

My life is simple. My dreams change frequently, and I'm only now learning that I have the right to ask the people in my life to love me the way I need it.

There's a lot of truth in "We accept the love we think we deserve."

Today, though, it snowed. The big snowflake kind. The kind of snow that ends in snow angels and snowball fights and snowmen. So there was snow fun, big snow flakes, and hot chocolate. I updated a resume and went to love some people who lost their dog.

It feels really great to belong to a place and a group of people.

Now, i'm falling asleep the glow of white twinkle lights, thanking God for a life less ordinary.

Today, that was enough.

 

 

You got somewhere to go and get found....

Leaving is easier  when you get to where you're going there are people who are wait. Excited to love you. Excited to see you. Excited to hear about your adventures when you were away.

I am so beyond thankful for the people who love me. who let me discover hard truths with soft places to land. Tonight, after a really great time in my hometown, I came back to my here home, and all the faces i i love. The faces that after being away from for 5 days. i missed. and much like my parents, when i see them....i just feel like everything's just gonna be ok.

I've had some hard chats. The kind that makes your insides do somersaults because it involves a lot of humbling. All i can say, is I always try, sometimes i fail miserably, and sometimes people get hurt in the process, and then  I have to apologize.

and unfortunately, in living life, you get kinda banged up. I mean, if you're doing it right, and in the process you lean a lot. and do  better next time because you can't do better if you don't know better.

Anyway, coming back to the grove and to my people was beautiful. I love them so much. The unexpected, and the unlikely, are quickly become the most amazing things in my life. And somehow i always get the better end of the bargin.

Here as much as there, i feel found and safe and happy and i have the freedom to freak out, figure it out, and fix what need fixing. I feel like not everyone gets those kinds of people who listen, and tell you the truth and hug you when you need huggin'.

compasses and anchors.

i'm just a dreamer, nothing more....

I would also like to propose that there is not an age limit to crawling into bed with your best pals with some coffee and talking about life and dreaming big dreams under piles of blankets in your comfiest clothes with your hearts right out there on your sleeves.

it's literally one of my favorite things ever.

If this isn't something you do, you might want to consider starting.

I dont' buy the lines in magazines that tell me what i have to be....

It's really nice to be missed and to be loved this much. I'm so thankful.

I like that my mom still fixes my sweaters, and calls me "bird" and is generally always concerned about everything i'm doing.

I love that my dad and i can do just about anything together but our favorite things include cribbage, outside chores, and movies and coffee.

There were some tears today as i stopped being so independent and started being a daughter again, a part of a family who really does love me the best way they can. We talked and played games and put up a Christmas tree. I mean, my heart strings could burst.

We cleaned out a bunch of stuff, piles of memories found in boxes with tons of dust. Memories none of us have dragged out in forever.

I'm really into hand-me-downs lately, gathering people's clothes that they'd rather just get rid of, i steal and wear and love.

Because i have this thing about wearing things that are other peoples or things that remind me of people. It's like they're with you even when they're not. it's a reminder you can grab on too when you need to feel a little love or courage or strength or a laugh.

i call it "the best friend's sweatshirt" mentality. I love this just as much as i love the way the scent of things makes me thing of specific memories or people.

I don't know how to end this, or what to say, really but, I know how good i have it everywhere i call home.

Also,  martina mcbride is currently singing "over the rainbow" and i am beside myself with joy.

Also, SNOW. we have snow and i dont' think i've ever been more excited about it...ever.

hands....

I have an entire pinterest board dedicated to the act of hand holding.

I love hand holding. i have vivid memories of hand holding. I just think it's real sweet.

And sometimes, everything is crazy, and you're tyring to work it all out and you're trudging along, head down, focused simply on getting there....to the end of the day, the week, the finish line....to the other side of something....and all you need is someone to grab your hand and hold it.

And hopefully, we all have those people who will just grab our hand, even if we never offer it, or turn down the offer when it's presented, we all need people who will just grab your hand, give it a squeeze that says "i'm with you"

tonight, my dad got a call that his best man in his wedding, his best friend, his numba one,  had died earlier today. On thanksgiving. Though his friend had been battling a lot of health issues, and his passing was the sign of an end of suffering, i don't think you ever want someone like that be gone. Someday, things will be beautiful again, and we'll all be together again and that's a promise worth holding on to.

And i didn't know what to do, I've been very sheltered by the cruelty of death, so i just grabbed his hand and said a silent prayer. My dad's hand is big. and strong and mine is young and small and doesn't know what to say but it was enough.

these people, where i get my lifes blood.

 

This is where I come from. this is who I am. for better or worse.

For the occasion.....

 

 

i love dave barnes. i love this song. i love it all.

 

Happy Thanksgiving, loves.

They say, you can't go home again....

The sound of home never rang so sweet as it does tonight.

thankful for these people and these spaces and places that built me.

Huggin' my mom and dad....well, it was kind of a day maker.

Happy Thanksgiving, Friends.

I hope that you find time to be thankful for ordinary things and ordinary people that your life wouldn't be the same without.

Oh, and those people you love? Tell em. Hug them. Be vulnerable enough to be like "hey, i think you're just the best and i love you and when i see you, my day/life/month...is better"

Thank you, Jesus for all we are and all we have.

Find your way back home.....

most of the time, i think it's kind of tragic that my heart is in so many places. Most of the time, i feel like i'm not loving anyone one thing enough, but today is different.

Today, after work, I am home, and as much as things have been cockeyed and crazy as of late, i felt overwhelmed with love and thankfulness for this space, and these people who have quite literally rearranged their lives for me, let me into their club and wrote my name on a list of important people. Today, i made hand turkeys, and watched Turbo and was super thankful for hang times with my favorite small human. I was thankful for crafts and watching big projects be completed slowly but surely, and I was thankful that i chose to get up at 12:30 this morning to maybe catch a ghost because i laughed a lot about it and it will not be something i talk about....a funny dumb memory, and i was thankful again for the kitchen table. The one that's well loved and well worn and is the place where so much is talked about and figured out and laughed about and cried about. so thankful for the person sitting across from me whose existence i celebrate on the regular.

I feel so incredibly thankful that this is part of my story, that i'm one of them.  There are, however, a few pangs of sadness knowing that i am leaving them for a couple of days. Sometimes that not so awesome things are just easier when Lisa is in huggin' distance.

But i'm thankful that i get to go home. I'm thankful that tomorrow night i will walk into the house i grew up in and my parents will hug me for the first time since april. I will eat really great food and i'll play marathon games of cribbage with my dad. I'll make my family start the holiday season off my watching through the Botanical Garden of lights. I will drink hot chocolate, and drive around in my dad's car listening to country music because that's how i roll in Geebs. I will hug my grandma. and my aunts and we'll catch up, and we'll snuggle in Grandma's living room and we'll watch a show and they'll all ask about Minnesota and i'll tell them about all the people and things that grab my heart there. I'll drive around noticing all the new things. We'll go shopping and they'll let me cook for them, and we'll play board games and card games until our backs hurt from sitting. and we'll laugh at things that are only funny to us. and I'll be the funny one and they'll love me for it. We'll go to church together, we'll order Pizza and go through old christmas ornaments, and i'll remember how much i love my grandma's house and i'll miss my grandpa, and i'll fall in love with my family all over again.

And i'll remember, again, who i am at my core. and i'll feel like myself again because sometimes i need reminders of who i am and where i came from.

There will be christmas lights and trees, and we'll make chex mix and i'll eat all the peanut butter balls and everything will smell like cinnamon.

I'm so thankful for holidays and traditions and for all the roads that bring me home. And for home not to be a location but a group of people who love you and know who you are, and help you find your way back when you've veered off.

So thankful for the anchors and the compasses in my life that look like me and my kindred.  

I'll cry when i leave Green Bay on Sunday, but this year? i'll be thankful that my heart is in two places.

I dont' need answers, I just need some peace...

There is nothing sweeter in this sad world than the sound of someone you love calling your name.

lol...this though,

I do not think everyone in America is ignorant! Far from it!! But we are today, probably, the most uneducated, under read, and illiterate nation in the western hemisphere. Which makes it all the more puzzling to me why the biggest question on your small mind is whether or not little Johnny is gonna recite the Pledge of Allegiance every morning! I'll tell you something else, If you like reciting the Pledge of Allegiance everyday then I think you should do it! In the car! In the shower! Wherever the mood strikes you! But don't try to tell me when or where I have to say or do or salute anything, because I am an American too, and that is what being an American is all about! And another thing... I am sick and tired of being made to feel that if I am not a member of a little family with 2.4 children who goes just to Jerry Falwell's church and puts their hands over their hearts every morning that I am unreligious, unpatriotic, and un-American!! Because I've got news for you, all liberals are not kooks, anymore than all conservatives are fascists!! and the last time I checked, God was neither a Democrat nor a Republican! And just for your information, yes I am a liberal, but I am also a Christian. And I get down on my knees and pray everyday ---- on my own turf — on my own time. One of the things that I pray for, is that people with power will get good sense, and that people with good sense will get power... and that the rest of us will be blessed with the patience and the strength to survive the dumb people in the meantime.


#yes. #exactly

Tonight i'm thinking of my college girl, and everyone who i love who's heart is a little broken.

And what i'm thinking is, if we could all just get together, and put the pieces of our hearts in a pile, and got out some glue and just started working, we'd make something real beautiful.

The Mosaic that doesn't tell a story with clean edges. Nope our story has weird shapes and jagged edges, but it's ours, and when the light hit it, it sparkles.

And i think we had the let the jagged edges poke us and scratch us and maybe even make us bleed a little. You know leave a scar. So we are linked, permanently, to each other.

To remind us that love is like a scar, ugly but permanent.

Love is a verb, right? How can we make love more active?

love is....

knowing each others starbucks drinks.
leaving voice mails of christmas mouse singing let it snow
crying over dogs
crying with each other when shit get too real
car ride talks
laughing
coffee dates where you talk more than listen.
Hugs in the lobby
Smiles and high fives.
praying for each other
sitting. talking. being honest
knowing the roads that lead you home.
singing to stupid pop songs
leaving notes
borrowing clothes
surprise corn dogs
watching the cher farewell tour 399 times with your gay.
making hand turkeys
sharing knowing glances.
holdin' babies
and holdin' down forts
saying thank you, i love you, and help me.

the ing...implies a "gerund" which means its a verb in progress.

let's always make "love" an "ing" because i dont' ever want there to be an expiration date on my love. or your love.

lets get together and feel alright.

sometimes....

sometimes people just suck and sometimes they can't help it but it doesn't take away from the fact that they suck.

and you just have to be ok with it.

That drifter's world goes round and round and i doubt if it's ever gonna stop....

There was much talk about songs tonight. I kind of loved everything about it.

I like a lot of random songs that literally make no sense for anyone my age. at all.

 here a just a few.

1. Please Come to Boston.
2. Walking in Memphis
3. Desperado
4. Sunday Kind of Love
5. Tiny Dancer
6.Golden Slumbers
7. 9 to 5
8. drift away
9. Sittin' on the dock of the bay
10. Total Eclipse of the Heart
11. When i fall in love
12. someone to watch over me.....oh man. don't even. i love this song.

i love me the rat pack, and rosemary clooney, and cole porter,  and ella and billie and etta. and the beatles and the eagles, ad james taylor and carly simon and dolly and country and everything a 29 year old girl probably shouldn't. 

I was born in the Wong decade and i kind of think it's one of the best things that people discover about me when they get to know me.

i love Gregory peck and jimmy stewart, and audrey hepburn and old movies where people talk too fast and everything has a little bit of a vintage wash to it.

ugh. it's my FAVORITE.

thoughts on snow. and jesus, and why this time of year is amazing.

so...this is old but my feelings on snow? exact same. So excited for the holiday season, i hope you are, too.....


It snowed today. Our first real live snow of the season, or, at least, that is what I consider it. I don't like to count anything that I can't make a snow angel in. It's been a lovely first snow. It's the type of snow that sticks to the trees with the big flakes that stay on your eye lashes. You konw, the kind that are worth catching on your tongue. The snowball makin' kind. The Norman Rockwell kind of snow.

Yep. Winter is offically here. It came in real classy and nice, unlike last year. Last year it showed up early. Though, I'm pretty sure Winter thought it was running LATE and as a result came in with vengence and dropped her shit everywhere. EVERYWHERE. all the time.

and then everyone went crazy.

But this year, it would seem, that Winter has learned her lesson. She is acting like a real lady. She is sparkly, and soft and quiet.

(That's not to say that I think women should be quiet because God knows I am not, but sometimes Winter should be seen and not heard.)

Today, my eye lashes were beautifully dusted, my cheeks the perfect shady of rosey, and my miittens kept my hands warm. The air smelled clean and fresh. (so fresh and so clean, clean) Today, everything was just different.

Today, Mother Nature and yours truly got it right. We were in sync. My coffee tasted better than it has in days, which might have more to do with it's latest washing than the first snow fall, but hey, a girl can dream. My coat kept me all kinds of cozy, and Mother Nature made sure that Winter did her job and made St. Paul look like a snow globe.

I just smiled a lot. I actually love Winter. Understand, I do not like 4902 inches of snow, or having to dig my car of a 7 foot drift with a salt scoop, but i do love the snow. I also love that during the Winter time everyone just seems more connected.

We are friendly to strangers. We are concerned about those who don't have enough, we love our families and friends, we take time to honor traditons. We wave at neighbors, and hold doors open for people, we push cars out of being stuck, we complain with each other as we all shovel and scrape, and dust off cars, sidewalks and porches, and the world just seems smaller and less jacked up.

and we spend time preparing and celebrating a wee babe who came to show us all what this LOVE thing is all about, and to wash us white as snow.

So, it seems fitting that the snow should come right before the most important birthday in the entire world.

Thanks, Winter, keep up the good work!

 There are moments when the heart is generous, and then it knows that for better or worse our lives are woven together here, one with one another and with the place and all the living things.
-Wendell Berry

i don't have the answers, and neither do you....

some thoughts i'm thinking.

1. i'm drunk.
2. i'm  really into the song December by Sara bareilles
3. i'm kind of a terrible human sometimes.
4. i'm excited to get some morning time with Rita tomorrow. my whole life feels off when there's no rita.
5. i've been real good about keepin things to myself.
6. wine helps my heart feel better.
7. i'm way more selfish than i'd like to admit. workin' on it.
8. i'm so confused most of the time.
9. i haven't been hugged by my parents in almost 8 months and that's probably a huge contributing factor to why currently feel zero affirmation.
10. i miss my kindalls.
11. change makes me cry.
12. i continue to believe that people are just doing the best they can
13. i kinda maybe might like a boy...a little....that hasn't happened in a real long time. it's times like these when i miss Melissa.
14. i miss melissa and that comes with all the shame in guilt in the world.
15.  the Internet is magic. i dont' understand it. i have no idea if i'm doing an ok job at work or not.
16. i cry a lot. about good things and sad things
17.  everything is weird.
18. i know Jesus is gonna make everything awesome.
19. I'm really trying to be secretly awesome.
20. i need to be humbled on the regular.
21. had an amazing lunch with Jessa and Erik today. They are my people. like for real.
22. the weirdest things happen when i least expect it.
23. i still believe big things are coming.
24. i miss my family but im stubborn and will never admit it....except here. in this moment.
25. "Amen" is my favorite song.
26. i really want to know the two people are that read this stupid blog and if they think i'm completely crazy.
27. i give all the of the effs. about almost everything.
28. i want to be a person who lives a life of value...i have no idea if that's actually happening.
29. To quote juno "i'm not sure what kind of girl i am"
30. Ben Rector is the best. i love him so much.
31. remember when i had things under control? Yeah, unfortunately nobody in my life right now does. But i do.
32. lisa is my very favorite person. followed by brad and rita.
33. i'm really into the holiday season right now and hot chocolate.
34. what if i never get married.
35. where is Jesus in all of this.
36. I JUST WANT A TATTOO. and i love the idea of getting matching tattoos with someone....that is a pipe dream. i think it's just a beautiful idea and sentiment.
37. I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'M DOING.
38. I think it's it'll be ok though. In fact, i think it'll be better than ok.
39. hate being an only child. i'd be the best aunt.
40. i have to get up at like 4:30. but rita's meeting  me with chai, and cozy rita time.
41. I wear out words almost to the point where they lose meaning.
42. i'm sorry, i dont' mean to be difficult.
43. there's really no place i'd rather be than right here.

stuff and nonsense.

sometimes i just get real frustrated and i want to kick something.

Thoughts on gratitude

I think the way the story that we're telling is unfolding is breath-taking, and beautiful, even the hard parts.

We write beautifully, together. our stories weaving in and out of each other like a patch work of then and nows. And discovering the secret goodness locked in each of us, from long nights gathered around tables and fire places and kitchen islands.

You have keys to my heart now, and i don't want them back. They are yours for as long as you want them because, you see, I've just made space for you in there, your own little corner and i would like you to say forever.

Still, seasons have a way of changing before they've worn out their welcome, and if that is how this story will play out, I'm afraid my heart never be same because your imprint will always be there, there will always be the memory and the idea of you. You will always have space in my heart.

You're  the beautiful people who protect me, and take care of me, and let me take naps on the comfiest of all couches. You who pick me up when my car is broken down. You who heps me put the pieces of my heart back together. You who loved me through the best and worst of times. You who loved me when i couldnt' and didn't love myself. My truth tellers, the people i borrow courage from when i wear your cadigans.

Our stories, well, they're built on each other. And the space you take up in my heart is why i'd walk through fire for you. It's why, i'll gladly stand in the gap for you, it's why i'll always clear my schedule for you. Pick you first, and carry your burdens with you.  it's why no matter how our lives ebb and flow, you are my people. my tribe. my family.

And i think despite what people say about boundaries and normal, what Jesus sees is us loving each other the best way we know how, and i think it's inching the kingdom along, and i'm for that.

And i'm for you. In the additions, in the valleys, in the uncertainty, in the fight for family. I'm for you, i'm running with you, and i will fight with you. Gimme a shovel i'll help you build your trench. then i'll help you climb out of it, because you're absolutely worth all the effort.

And on the other side, when we're older and we're reflecting, we'll be so very glad to be "one of us"

to my Lisa,  To my Kindalls, and Lindstedts and my college tribe of weirdos, you make me better, and no words will ever suffice.

In this practice of gratitude, i hope one day you'll know just how grateful i am for who you are and all you've done.

You're the most favorites.


and these are my thoughts on gratitude

As far as I can recall, none of the adults in my life ever once remembered to say, ‘Some people have thick skin and you don’t. Your heart is really open and that is going to cause you pain, but that is an appropriate response to this world. The cost is high, but the blessing of being compassionate is beyond your wildest dreams. However, you’re not going to feel that a lot in seventh grade. Just hang on.’

stompa your feet....

the one thing that is running through my mind right now?

"Yeah, you big drunk patti" from the heat. and it makes me giggle a lot, which will help me make it through the work day.

Jesus delights in answering our impossible prayers....

Tonight, as I finish reading Love Does  for the third time, I'm holding on to that idea.

I am learning how to get out of the way. I'm learning how to do things because you love someone and not want or need anything out of it. I'm learning how, for better or worse, to keep my mouth shut.

I'm learning how to not take things personally. I'm learning how to understand, to just be still, to be available but not be over....anything....

and it's actually really hard for me. I'm a huge ball of insecurity and I'm learning how to not need outside affirmation.

Being humble, loving well, being honest, and being present are all things i want to be. I want people to see when they look at me...the process, however, is not the best.

Tomorrow, I'm gonna start a  fast. I haven't decided how long it will be but once a week, from sun up to sun down, I'm gonna fast, I'm gonna be real intentional about praying for my people, for God to speak louder than the lies in my head, and for Jesus to answer our impossible prayers.

I believe my God is big and able.

Saved....

i have a text saved in my phone that says "you're a good thing" and i look at it every day.

so let my whole life be a blazing offering.....

Sometimes I get stuck in my own head. ok...not sometimes, a lot and i'm never quite sure how to get out of it.

This last weekend, I did church announcements. I tried to convince myself and everyone else that's its not a big deal.

Well, it was. Every single insecurity i had come flying at me, guns blazing. Aint nobody got time for that. All it did was confirm that i'm not super cool with myself or my body.

i am not one of the pretty people, which sometimes is hard to deal with considering my people are beautiful. all of them. I do not know one ugly person. I've always been the chubby, funny, sidekick. I've just accepted it so as not to have to deal with it.

Well, it hasn't really gone away, besides the whole...not loving how i look thing? There's the whole...who am i disappointing right now but saying the wrong thing, or saying it too fast or slow...oh shit...i said "um" about 32 times.

Then the other half of me is like....it's just 3 minutes of my life. You can't eff it up unless you start saying things like "jesus isn't real" and then i get angry that there is this pressure and that pretty weekend people have this much say over who i think i am.

it's just ridiculous.

so then i of course i spiral into feeling like no one loves me, when, to be honest, you can tell me you love me a million times and i probably wont believe it.

so then i over analyze and over think everything and read things totally wrong because Ive made myself crazy.

this is not all about me.

things need to be way less about me. i'm trying to not project, or be selfish, or think about how everything affects me....and i'm trying more to just be.

And i've been thinking about life and how it seems upside down again and so many people are telling me to just leave and go do something else.

My answer is no,, and here's why: It's not what Jesus would do.

We talk a lot about community and brokenness and doing life together...and all those other stupid christian words we use to make us sound radical and important but we yell "uncle" the second things get hard or lines get blurry.

BUT WHAT IF WE DIDN'T DO THAT?

what if we said yes huggin' people when they need huggin', what if we carried people when they needed to be carried and said all the hard things that needed to be said and shared rooms when we had to and we didn't even talk about all the "great things" we're doing.

what if we jumped in heart first with the people we loved? Yeah, boundaries are good but what people are worth getting messy with, which people are you willing to limp along side? What people would you really walk through fire for?

you got some? Then do it. Yeah, my life could look different, but I'm allowing things to change me. I'm allowing people to change me for the better. I'm allowing Jesus to show up and teach us all something.

I'm allowing my people deep into the recesses of my heart and mind, and my people....are letting me into theirs and it's scary and  unpleasant and gut wrenching.

but worth it?

you bet.

"when you love someone, you begin to understand what justice looks like for them"...taken out of context completely, but i think it applies here:

I want to fight for the people i love. I want restoration for my people. I want them to see who they are in the best light. i want to right their wrongs with them, i want to shoulder their pain. I want to dig a trench with them.

because that what loves looks like and i wan to experience that kind of raw, beautiful, honest, love.

So, I'm trying to climb out of my own head. I want to get out of my own way, i want to get out of Jesus way, and let him change me. Change us. and i want love to grow exponentially because of it.

Tonight i got to talk about Uganda a little and i got to be so proud of my people that i got a little weepy because....really....my love language is tears....and i got to say some stuff that was hard but also on my heart and that needed to be said. Was it easy? Not all of it, no.

But if we are really going to be who we are called to be, we have to start being brave enough to do the scary and hard things....

those are basically all the thoughts i have on this right now because i'm real sleepy.

Just be love people. Let Jesus do the saving. All we can do is stand in that gap and be as much as Jesus as we are capable of and i think we're all capable of a lot more.

i try to love Jesus and myself...

THIS IS MY JAM. SO MUCH MY JAM. lyric below...

Yeah I have my addictions
I keep my share of secrets
And things you'll never see
Mmm I get selfish and defensive
And pay too much attention to my insecurity

Though I
I'm just like everybody else
I try to love Jesus and myself, yeah yeah
I don't know what you believe
Or what you think of what you see
But this is a part of me yeah
What I do and who I am
All of my impurities oh
Are right here on my sleeve
This is me
This is me

Yes my heart breaks for the homeless
I worry about my parents
And all my bills are late
Yeah I I'm dealing with the changes
Of this complicated strangeness
Of seeing life this way

Hey yeah I
I'm just like everybody else
I try, Lord I try to love Jesus and myself, yeah yeah
I don't know what you believe
Or what you think of what you see
But this is a part of me yeah
Of what I do and who I am
All of my impurities
Are right here on my sleeve
This is me yeah
This is me
Wo... yeah yeah, yeah

I laugh at silly movies
Tear up when I see babies
And I'm stubborn as a stone
Yeah I
I criticize my body
I wonder if I'm ready to ever be alone

Oh I
I'm just like everybody else
I cry yes I cry just like everybody else yeah yeah yeah
I don't know what you believe
Or what you think of what you see
But this is a part of me
Of what I do and who I am
All of my impurities
Are right here on my sleeve
This is me

Oh this is me
Oh this is me
I'm gonna celebrate it
I'm gonna celebrate it
Don't be afraid who you are
Celebrate who you are
What you do, what you feel, what you see, who you are
Celebrate, celebrate
This is just me
I'm not afraid, I'm not ashamed
This is me