you are the answer to all those midnight prayers....

I LOVE HIM.

this doesn't really count as a post, i suppose, but he's just my favorite.

i'm at the Cabin. In Wisconsin. In the Fall. On the kind of Saturday that's rainy and cold and you can sit by the window and drink good tea and think good thoughts.

and Rita is playing the best music. and I slept in a loft.

We just made some intense Julia Child recipe. I feel more than accomplished. I also cut my first squash tonight. So...that happened  Sitting around the table for hours playing cards, and eating really great food that we made together, and setting the table to infuse just a little more fancy. It was beautiful and Rita and I kept talking about we could really be a chapter in Shauna's book. We poured more wine and moved on to the next conversation topic.

We stayed up late talking about life, and we laughed, and we cried, and i danced in the kitchen to Adele and the Civil Wars because Rita played all my faves and her hugs seemed a little tighter this weekend, like she knew I needed an extra squeeze.

and then Sunday happened. We had a birthday brunch with raspberries and mimosas and french toast and all the best things. We talked about all the things we were thankful for, and what we hoped would happen in the coming year and we toasted a really incredible lady on her 67th birthday. We said prayers and listened to worship music and it was our own kind of cabin church.

 Then, Fall was lookin' all fancy,  sky was blue, the trees were on fire with color and i sat in the middle of the lake in a canoe loving every breath i was taking. We rowed around singing some boating songs, and feeling the sun hit our faces and backs in all the right places.

We were literally the only ones on the lake. It was magic and beautiful. When we washed up on shore, i laid on the dock with Abby and i stuck my feet in the water even though it was cold.

And then they let me make salsa from start to finish and kept me company while i chopped and i just felt really, really loved.

In that same moment, we talked about real stuff, the things we're scared of, what we're worried about, how I can feel incredibly loved, and feel so much gratitude but still feel kind of alone. How we're all kind of sad about things but trying to spin the positive as best we can.

and sometimes onions and emotions make me cry, and everyone is patient and beautiful.

i worry too much, i make things too complicated, and i put too much pressure on the world, but i'm 100%  sure that there are a handful of people in my life that I can trust to love me when i'm the most scared about the future, and i'm just really thankful for that.

And fall? She's really bringing her A-Game and I could not be happier about it. I was kind of kidding when I said this Fall would be the best one yet, and that it would wreck me in the best way....but i'm kind of starting to believe it.

And you can tell everybody, that this is your song......

Today's topic: music.

ok, I'm apparently very into lists this week. Today's topic is turn our media play on shuffle and make a list of the first 12 songs that play.

I'm already cheating, i'm just going to warn you. I will shuffle my fall play list on spotify and tell you which songs come up. Maybe I'll have commentary on the songs, maybe i wont. We'll just have to see.


1. Basket Case- Sara Bareilles. So short story: My first day ever of student teaching, i met and fell in love with 120 7th graders on the "Rising Stars" team at Chippewa Middle School. During 9th hour, the last hour of the day, Kelsey Parks raises her hand and says "you know what would be awesome? If your first names was 'Basket'" everyone laughed and she quickly became one of my favorite students ever. So...this song, well, the title anyway, make me think of Kelsey, who is now a freshmen in college, and i feel old.

2. Jealous of the Moon- Nickle Creek  I just have a secret love for bluegrass and I fell in love with Nickle Creek in college. Sweet Afton is my favorite song. I'm pretty sure the band has broken up, which is a shame, because they're really fun to listen to on fall days.

3. Are We There Yet- Ingrid Michaelson- I LOVE HER. she's just one of my faves. I've seen her in concert twice and she is funny, and quirky and amazing live.

4. Angela- Missy Higgins.- I really like Missy. My good friend Amy loves her and made me a cd in college with her on it, and i think of Amy when I hear Missy. I just really like the melody, and i love her voice.

5. Don't know Why- Nora Jones-  I don't know why these are all girls, i actually have more male artists on this list than female but they're all coming out of the woodwork now. I love nora jones. This reminds me of high school.

6.  Night Train- Amos Lee- I love Amos Lee. Good memories of college. I love his voice, except that he doesn't smile when he performs.

7.  Sunday Kind of Love- Etta James.  This is one of my favorite song of all time. love it. I also think it's hilarious that Etta James does not like Beyonce, even though Beyonce played Etta in Cadillac Records. Hilar. Etta James is old and feisty.

8. Summer is Over- Jon Mclaughlin - be still my heart this boy plays piano, has an incredible voice and is beautiful. This is a duet with Sara bareilles as if i needed more reason to love it.  just shut up about it.  I can't. even.

9. Don't Settle- Ben Kyle  I love Ben Kyle, he's Irish. he writes about the Twin Cities, he was AT randy and Rita's house, I've seen him live with the lindstedts and brad. and Rita gave me his album for my birthday. such.good.memories.

10.  Just a Kiss- Lady A. I just really love them.

11. Say You'll Stay- Melissa Polinar. Melissa and I have basically the same taste in music. We both like Melissa Polinar. This reminds me of Melissa.

12.  Save the Last Dance for Me- Michael Buble-  I love him. I love old classics. This song reminds me of being super sick my junior year of college and one of my friend driving all the way from Madison to come see me and we went to see the Wedding Date, which is adorable and most of the songs in the movie are buble.

so there you have it. a little insight into what i listen to in fall. Although you should know that i listen to Katy Perry on the regular and most of the time "hummingbird heartbeat" and "roar" are on repeat.

Here's my heart, take and seal it.....

Today I will start another 30 day writing challenge. Last time I did this, in July, I simply wrote every day about nothing and everything, and while I'm sure it was terribly riveting for everyone, this time I'll infuse slightly more structure by adding prompts.

I know, am I in high school? Whats with the prompts? Well, I need to focus, and my days just are interesting enough to write a whole thing about every day. Although, I have a working title for a book called "Driveways and Kitchen Tables." Don't worry, though, I reserve the right to change a prompt whenever I want, which might be a lot. I do what I want. Don't even worry.

Tonights prompt, we're starting off a little lame, but whateves, let's be a little fluffy today:

Five Ways to Win My Heart:

Before I begin, I must tell you, that once you've won my heart, you're there for good. I tend to make big ridiculous commitments like that. This list goes for anyone, not just my potential suitors that are lined up outside my door. Calm down, boys, there's plenty of time....:)

so, if you wanna be my friend, if you're just interested in what i think is important, or if you wanna marry me, then read on.....

1. Sense of humor. If you know me, you know i like funny. I like people who are quick and sassy and can roll with what's happening and can keep up with me. We don't have to laugh at the same things (though, that's helpful) but you have to be able to laugh at something, and you have to be able to take a joke, and some teasing because it's my love language. If i don't like you, i won't mess with you because it's not worth my time. That sounds way more sassy than it's intended.

2. Love Jesus and other people. There is nothing more beautiful that a strong faith and a deep love for making the world a better place. You wanna be my people. love people well, even when it's hard or awkward or confusing. Be nice. Help when you can.  listen to God and be obedient as best you can. I like people who are on fire for Jesus and just want to do a lot of good but without caring if anyone notices.

3. Don't be perfect. I don't like that. be clumsy or messy and sing the wrong words to songs. have some stories to tell, cry some tears, and have some scars because i kind of think that's what good stories worth telling look like. I also think it's when you see how Jesus works the most.

4. Have and appreciation for pop culture. Music, moves, trendy coffee shops. i love it all. So...climb on board.

5. Be real. Swear. spend some weekends in bed without answering the phone. have one favorite pair of jeans, forget to call people back....whatever it is that makes you who you are. Be ok with, and don't hide it. i like quirky. I think that's what makes people beautiful.

So...there's my list. It's short. it's sweet and it's not all that interesting, but if you want to win my heart. Be nice. laugh. Love jesus, and do you the best way you can.

and to be honest, i'm still learning how to do all these things, but it's always nice to have people in your same boat, who can help, and be honest, and commiserate when necessary.

until tomorrow, world. good day.

My mom knows exactly how to make me feel terrible, but pay attention too.

i am still not very good at balancing my heart being in two places.

And i'm stubborn.

and my heart hurts about all of it.

one day, I'll get it figured out. I'll find away to make everyone happy, myself included.

One day, i'll be a real adult.

One day, I wont be disappointing.

One day.....

i thank You God for most this amazing
day:for the leaping greenly spirits of trees
and a blue true dream of sky;and for everything
which is natural which is infinite which is yes

(i who have died am alive again today,
and this is the sun’s birthday;this is the birth
day of life and of love and wings:and of the gay
great happening illimitably earth)

how should tasting touching hearing seeing
breathing any-lifted from the no
of all nothing-human merely being
doubt unimaginable You?

(now the ears of my ears awake and
now the eyes of my eyes are opened)



ee cummings and jesus and fall and you've got mail.

everything is beatuiful. dont' ruin it for me.

Brithday Weeks.

My birthday is in less an a month, which means i need to plan out my birthday week. The following things will happen.

1. apple orchard
2. pumpkin carving
3. fall walk or drive to look at the leaves.
4. lots of laughing
5. some picture takin'
6. vino drinkin'
7. bonfire...yeah i'm gonna force my people. they'll have to like it. it's birthday week.
8. maybe something spooky...a la grey cloud island.

i mostly love birthday week because you can justify everything with "it's birthday week." and i think that's hilarious.

because i'm weird.


but for real, i just wanna eat really great food, and spend time with all the people I love and laugh until i can't breathe.

i would also like Jessica to give birth on my birthday. :) i'm just saying.....

HAPPY FIRST DAY OF FALL, Y'ALL.

what a beautiful day it was, indeed. The weather was amazing. the sunset was amazing, the company was amazing.  I am so blessed.

Tomorrow, is lisa's birthday. so excited to celebrate her existence. She's a special one. Everyone needs a lisa in their life. it's the biggest blessing.

Did i mention that I got to celebrate, fall and anniversaries and birthdays AND I WENT TO AN APPLE ORCHARD.

i can't even. I HAD THE BEST WEEKEND. fall is here and she is beautiful.

the tress are changing, it's getting cooler and i'm raring to go.

So let's just be thankful for this time and let Jesus do what he wants with it. I know it's going to be rad, and it's going to wreck me and it's going to be the most beautiful disaster you've ever seen.

 

 

“I loved autumn, the one season of the year that God seemed to have put there just for the beauty of it.” 

 

this song, though. <3

Your voices swirl and welcome me
Hem me in, this anthem sweet
We are all familiar now
In each other's blood somehow

I will never be a stranger
I will never be alone
Cause deep inside of me I know that
Wherever we are, is home

So raise a glass and gather round
Toast the night and friendships found
I lay to rest my troubled face
Breathe deep this amazing grace

I will never be a stranger
I will never be alone
Cause deep inside of me I know that
Wherever you are is home

Sometime soon this road may part
Mine may end where yours starts
Should you ever need me
You'll know where I'll always be.

You will never be a stranger
You will never be alone
Cause deep inside of me I know that
Wherever we are is home

raise a glass for all the broken hearts of all my wrecked up friends.....

it's funny to me to think that even as adults we still can't figure out the whole friendship deal.

why do we make everything so complicated, and why can't we just be honest with each other?

And at the end of the day, why can't we just let love win over all the other stuff and nonsense?

sorta perfect

Today is the kind of perfect that's not, but close enough to make you feel really good.

It's raining but warmish, and a little gloomy. Perfect for coffee sippin', and life pondering, and watching things out the window or from the garage.

and now the sun's trying to sneak on out, which is a little annoying because sometimes you just need it to be cloudy and rainy.  I love rain. I love the smell, I love the sound, i love how it feels when it's warm and you can dance in it. It's probably my favorite way to welcome fall.

Although I've been celebrating her homecoming for weeks now, Saturday is her official first day back in my life. This season, it's gonna be the best. I can already feel it.

Today is CSA Thursday and prep for tomorrow, and I'm actually so excited about tomorrow, i just want it to be perfect. I want my A-team for feel all the love ever and have some space to really celebrate what a big deal a 10 year mark is, and how cool marriage is. and how great it is to find someone that just makes life make more sense....even if they make you crazy.

i love fall and my people and the way god weaves it all together.

and James Taylor. i LOVE James Taylor. for real. i was born in the wrong decade.

Island of Misfit Toys...

Oh boy do I have some things to say.

First: I am polka dotted elephant, but you know what? Polka dotted elephants are cool a shit, so I'm cool with it. There has been some controversy surrounding this phrase....I'll make it very clear what i mean by it, below.

Second: Tonight was the first night of high school youth group at a church that i kind of currently attend. It's a big church, as compared to the Baby Gallery, and I've never lead a group of small girls in a structured youth group like this as an adult. well, ever actually, when i was in high school it looked much different. I've always kind of been allowed to do whatever I wanted with my kids....So structure kind of scares me. BUT i believe in the vision, so I'll follow someone else's lead.

I already have a gang of pretty amazing girls. To be clear, i feel like i attract a certain kind of teen ager, and I'm totally cool with that.  These girls are seniors, last year they didnt' have a leader really. They called themselves the "homeless group"

Today as Jess hugged me, she said she felt like she had a home, which is funny because currently i don't feel like i have one and I'm just winging it.

So maybe that's what this year is about. Creating a space to land. a safe, sacred space where we can all just exist. There are specific things i know some of those girls need already.

Maybe that is where home is, and we have to create it ourselves. All of the misfits and the leaderless can come and just be, and i think that's kind of poetic.(You can tell I'm passionate about something when i start talking strictly literary)  Jesus loves the misfit.

And i do, too, because i like that I'm quirky and sassy and real with almost everyone. I'm not there to suck up (mostly because i don't have to) I'm not there to make new best friends. I'm there to love a really specific group of young people, and I'll do it like a boss. I'm love the people I'm serving with, too, obviously, I just need to stop giving an eff if they like me.

So, i guess my mission for this year, among loving and walking and studying with these girls is to figure out what our "home" looks like and what it means.

And i think that's a pretty lofty goal, especially because I feel like, currently, Jesus and i are speaking two different languages and i have NO IDEA what I'm supposed to be doing with....pretty much anything....so...I'm feel a little confused and lost and frustrated.

and to be honest, I'm annoyed by it, but I'm also trying this new thing where I'm pretty full disclosure, and i just feel what i feel and really, everything is just an exercise in patients, and i fail miserably most of the time.

I'm not sure of steps forward to steps back ratio, but I'm fairly certain I'm inching forward in the slowest way possible.

but it's fine. i need to find the joy in it, or so i hear.....

I'm glad i never grew up on a mountain to see how high the world could reach....

if you have never read "On the road" you should. I hate to sound all hipster, because, let's face it, this is the hipsters Bible, but it's beautifully written.

Some day i want to go to San Fransico just to see the ally that is painted and has quotes in right in the road....can you even believe that? it's like the poetry in the sidewalks of st. paul.

i'm in love with any city that has words in their pavement. that's so cool.

anyway, there are a lot of things running around in my head lately. Vine and Branches are everywhere as is corner stone imagery.

every.where. i don't even know what that means....

what i do know is that i love this quote from "on the road"

"I like too many things and get all confused and hung-up running from one falling star to another till I drop. This is the night, what it does to you. I had nothing to offer anybody except my own confusion."

I  miss how Sunday's used to feel, like home and naps and coffee cups and Jesus and worship music that used to make me cry.

I'm so lost, but not afraid.

I feel like my heart's desire will be right where i left it, if there is no place like home, and it's not just something you say when you're missin' things that used to be.

sometimes the only way is jumpin', i hope you're not afraid of heights....

I kind of want to spend the entire day in leggings, eating pickles and drinking good coffee and watching rando documentaries for the sole purpose of having fun facts to bring up at random with the preface "I once watch a documentary...." and sound way more impressive than i am.

Because i watch things like Katy Perry and Happy and don't have a single regret about  it.

I love trashy as much as i love sounding intelligent.

Tonight, one of the questions I had to answer was "you have a day off, what do you do"

my answer: "Sweat pants, kitchen table, good company and good coffee " or "sweats, nail polish, trashy tv, and best friends"

I'm a super simple human.

I can't wait to have a small group of senior girls to love. I'm just so excited. We are going to have so much fun and Jesus is gonna show up, and i'm gonna make Lisa hang out with us because it's always better when she's there.

i'm feelin kind a good about all of it.

s

when they point to my pictures, please tell them my name.....

Apparently, i have a lot to say tonight, which is not abnormal but i typically don't write it all down.

I'm cranky today, if you couldn't tell, and I'm just feeling a whole mess of things prompted by God knows what.

Holy buckets. I miss Melissa. and Brent. and John. Their faces grace all my pictures. Every single memorable moment of the last 10 years of my life has included them, either individually or collectively except for the last year.

And, I don't know, I'm just going through this bag of photos that make me miss people and things, but also makes me remember. All the memories seriously flood back like it all happened last night.

Walking home, late into the night, the four of us, sometimes holding on to each other, or laughing so hard we had to take breaks.  Going to parks to play on the swings, and the "Day of food" and how sick but fabulous we felt when it was over. We had our own language, we were always together. A kind of family you hope to find in college. or, in life, really.  We are the island of misfit toys but we're all just having a really great time.

I remember how good, and safe, and comfortable it was to be the "fab 4" It was beautiful and everything it was supposed to be.  I never want to forget what it felt like to be an "us."

Melissa: the pretty, risky, talented one, the messy one in need of a good rescue, always. The one we all lived vicariously through....
Brent: our sassy gay
John: resident comedian, driver of the nice car, practical in every way, loyal, loveable, the definition of nice guy,  the male version of Nicole, just better looking.
Nicole: the funny best friend, side kick. the least risky, and completely insecure about it. kisses boys when she's drunk and doesn't know what to do with that, the responsible rescuer.

Typically I'm real possessive of all my friends. They are mine, i don't share and i want them to love me the most....but i was always totally cool with how all four of us were together...even though Brent has been mine since I was 15.

Once, I told John, "i don't ever want to know what it feels like to not be us"

I remember senior year when I moved in before Melissa. I  was unpacking. alone. with two other roommates i didn't really love that much and Brent was moving in an apartment away, and john was there to supervise  (he graduated in 4 years unlike the rest of s ) and he rescued me form the awkward roommates who left notes like "we don't know what time we'll be home, it depends on how much fun we're having" These are the same roommates who sharpied "happy birthday" on their butts and mooned each other on their birthdays.

i don't even know. It happened. I was horrified.

But john showed up with booze and he brought the funny, and we laughed and drank and were ridiculous and i loved him for it.

I could go on and on, and I would if you let me.

I'm thankful for that time and sometimes i just miss it because sometimes i love who i am when I'm with them.  They understand without me having to say anything. It's the way we all finish each other sentences, can feel when things aren't ok, make you pee your pants because they're so funny kind of family, and i just adore the shit out of all them.

All that being said, our foursome got flipped on its head, and i got scared and sad about it so I haven't done a lot o repair any damage, but those three people hold such special places in my heart, and i actually kind of believe we've all just taken a detour to figure out who we are, and our roads will converge again, they might look a little different but they'll feel normal and right.

Right now, my "us" is so totally different and not at all what I expected but exactly what I need. There are two phrases that come to mind when i think about my people.

"when i met you, i had no idea how important you'd be" and "I didn't expect it to change me"

This family feels different, it feels more....real...maybe because the steaks are higher? and the love is different. I've handed them my heart in a totally different way, and I'd like to think they've done the same. It's less about sitting on a bed and reliving what happened the night before, and talking about kissin' boys and school. and far off dreams. It's real dreams, real love and it's all tethered by Jesus. I have handed over the power for them to totally break my heart. To call bullshit and to step in for real if things are getting out of control. When they talk,  I listen, ,and argue but i understand.  I've let them all the way in, they get to swim in the beautiful crazy that is my head and heart.

Sometimes I realize the gravity of that kind of vulnerability and it makes me nervous, and I feel incredibly inadequate. I'm young. and dumb and i have no idea what in the world i could possibly offer them. 

For whatever reason though (and really, the reason is Jesus) it works, and it has changed me and wrecked me and stretched me and what an incredible blessing to have people to just exist with.

I used to be really sad about not having the same exact friends from the time i came out of the womb, and i haven't had the same best friend for my whole life. Now, though, i look at it as having an incredible opportunity to love a so many people.

I'm not sure if the is an adequate word for what Lisa is in my life, but i do know that we are absolutely kindred spirits. and i don't think she'll ever understand on how many levels i relate or understand, but i hope we have a long time to figure it out. She's just my favorite human that's not blood related to me.

 I hope that this isn't a "season" because i don't know that I'd ever recover for the loss of the A-team. They are in my heart unlike anyone else. There are not many people who get a permanent place in my heart like that.

This whole letting people have pieces of your heart is tough and scary and sometimes i get really freaked out about all of it.

But I know that someday I'll look back at these pictures and the smiles will be so real and vivid, that I'll be able to remember exactly how the kitchen table felt when we were laughing or exactly what it sounded like when we prayed before Africa, or what it felt like to hug Lisa when she came home from Africa, or pulling out Nick's tooth, and celebrating birthdays and anniversaries and the change of season.

or how it felt when we realized that God answered all of our prayers in the most unconventional way.

what the h ever.

 I have some residual.....moodiness....I'm not real sure what to call it....left over from last week. But it's at that point where one of  two things happen....I get real punchy....or...i burst into tears.

Aint nobody got time for tears, so....I'm just sassy. Part of me couldn't give less of an eff because I'm just gonna feel what i feel, and also....I'm pretty funny when I'm sassy....like...I'm quick with a comeback...which sometimes ends up biting me in the ass.

I do feisty really well though, in case you're wondering. I am most comfortable when I'm snarky, and I'm sure there are 100 ways to analyze and over analyze that but whatever.

I'm also just over a lot of things. Just shut up.

i want to yell a lot. and maybe punch something.

like shoebox of photographs with sepia toned loving

Lately, as the day light fades quicker, and the wind blows a little bit harder than it normally does, I tend to reach harder for things that remind me of people and places that feel like home.

I couldn't even tell you why, but for whatever reason, I absolutely associate Fall with coming home and belonging to people and places. Missing pieces find their way home and the sun and fallen leaves show them how to get there.

I mean, yes, I have the most idealist, dreamy, romantic view of fall. Don't ruin it for me. I'm currently drinking Good Earth tea that smells like cinnamon and reminds me of Rita.

I also fall in love with books again this time of year. Words are so real, and drip from your tongue like honey. All the classics are alive, and i read Franny and Zooey for the 19 time and love it just as much as the first day I turned it's pages.

Today, I'm all about poetry. I think in lyrics, and hear in rhyme. and when Billy Collin's writes "Pardon my Egg Salad Stains, i think I'm love" in a poem about reading the Catcher in the Rye, i understand so much that there is a place for me in this season.

I stumbled across my copy of The House on Mango Street. It is well loved, well worn, ragged even, from being in my purse and read so often that there are pages that are on the brink of coming out. I challenge you to find anything better and more personal than an old book that you've read a million times with notes in margins about whatever was going through your mind then. it a reminder of who you were and reading it as who you are allows you to fall in love with change, and death and rebirth.

Anyway one of my favorite parts of Mango Street is the following:

" you can never have too much sky. You can fall asleep and wake up drunk on sky and sky can keep you safe when you're sad. Here, there is too much sadness and not enough of sky.  Butterflies are too few and so are flowers and most things that are beautiful.  Still, we take what we can get and make the best of it"

I love that. I can't even. I want that on a wall somewhere. It's just my favorite.

This last year has been quite interesting, as you well know, but I am feeling like myself again, like I'm coming home. Thanks in part to the power of words, and the staying power of beautiful phrases that can grab your heart, sock you in the gut, or  jerk some tears. 

So with all that gushy, whatever that was, said, I have some work to do. I have some dreams to build, so plans to make, and some phone calls to make. Starting with my mom and dad. I miss them and i love them and my heart is still there.

and since I'm on a music kick....you all know that Dave Barnes is my favorite but Nothin' Fancy is a gem. I heart, heart, heart it. Currently, it reminds me of my A-team, who is celebrating 10 years of lovin' each other for better or worse, which is so beautiful and i could just go on and on....but i wont...because this is all so disjointed already, and i write about them too much.

Just listen, i promise it will be worth it. Unless you totally hate my taste in music, in which case, i could give an eff.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HPR-aLUdmRc

Wonder. Go on and wonder....

I love Ben Rector. If you love some Singer/Songwriter, piano playin' boys. You'll like him.

this song is pretty.

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yqw6DlIvVnE

my favorite line "i wanna follow Jesus but sometimes he's hard to find"

my favorite ben song is called "Hank" it's just sweet.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d-i2lhj_rnM


Fall is beautiful, and sad and invigorating.

Tomorrow, i shall be a real girl and actually make a plan for the future...so i can pay for things, and have a life.

i'm gonna get rejected a lot, so i gotta just prepare.

It's gonna be fine. or it wont. but either way i think i'll be ok.

a lesson in missing people....

in french, you don't really say "i miss you"

instead you say,

"tu me manques" which means "you are missing from me"

that's beautiful. and true.

I don't know how those boys know, but they do. Just got a "snap out of it, you're fine' text. Havent talked to them in forever about anything. . #lovedoes #myboys

i love group texts. I love how much they know me. i love them more than most things. They are missing from me.

in a funk....

i'm horrible when i'm in a funk.

like actually a pretty big b, to people that i love a lot.

today i was in a funk, and i was terrible

so now on top of being in a funk i feel awful for making people i love a lot feel not awesome.

i will try much harder tomorrow.

i was good until i went to get my car. then i lost my shit.

i'm real thankful for grace, in advance.

fuck.

don't like it?

don't care.

Sometimes you just gotta cry about it, you know.

once upon these days....

this. house.

these. people.

the.way.it.smells. here.

fills.my.heart.

like.it's.overflowing.

and spilling love everywhere.

My body is a pen writing a chapter in a larger story.

A short story in a collection of others

Though, parts are hard to get through, others are sweet and funny

and full of the best things.

good fruit

i'm very proud of who we're becoming.

though my words will seem few,

 my words will be bold

full to the tippy top with love and passion

the characters real, mosaics of then and now,

 all racing towards something

a light, a finish line, the sun,

Sometimes we run together

and me and you all become an us

and the us becomes a family

in the most extraorindarily ordinary way

and we exist without effot until we don't

when the sun gets closer

we'll be able to look back, saying,

Once upon these days we did something

radical.

we let each other co-write our stories.



....and they lived happily ever after.



Thank you, Jesus for the provision i didn't even know I needed.