I don't like it when people talk about seasons. Unless, of course, you're talking about fall. then, and only then will I want to play.
The "seasons" that i hate are "seasons of life." Gross. They feel cliche and contrived and what people say when they're not sure what to say.
Stop it. Don't tell me it's just a season. Just don't say anything, if you're not sure what to say.
Ya feelin' me?
Anyway, As I live and die by the school calendar, I find myself, once again, in a new season. Some of it feels familiar. I have a class room about about 100 kids that i'm totally crazy about.
Some of it feels new and unbroken in. Like coworkers who are sweet, and kind and check in on you. Ones that don't manipulate and do weird things.
I feel like this is a season of utter gratitude. I am thankful for so much right now that it feels like it will spill out all over everything every time i open my mouth.
As sit in a coffee shop where i've been for the last three hours doing "homework"....you know like grades and grading and planning and whatnot....I've become both used to being overwhelmed and exhausted and grateful for it.
I am grateful for the chance to work hard at work worth doing. I want to do well for myself, but mostly for those kids who sit in those desks and stare back at me on days when my throat hurts, and i'm tired and i'm not sure what i'm doing.
the ones who are sweet and try hard. The ones who are hurting and won't say, the ones who are struggling to fit in, the ones who are also not sure what they're doing.
i love them, all of them, even the ones that give me head ache. I get show them Jesus every day. I get to love them and encourage them....and teach them...Spanish and English...but also...how to be kind, how to be yourself and how to love Jesus.
I'm grateful for the team of humans that have kept me alive and breathing, and who have let me process, and sat with me over tea and lunch and let me cry and be confused and angry and sad and unsure.
I have to be where I am to get to where I'm going...and there are people who have walked with me and let me be where i am but have pushed me forward.
There are people who are constant cheerleaders and encouragers and believe for me when all i can see is blank space. No map or compass i just panic and freeze. I grateful for gentle, and not so gentle guiding.
I'm grateful for a faithful God.....who i don't understand. Who I doubt and fight with, and push away....because I can be stubborn and he can be constant....even when i don't feel him or see him or hear him.
My heart feels a lot of things. It's fall, and broken, missing pieces are finding their way home. Life is starting over again, the comfort of what I know is more present that the doubt of the unknown. It looms on the horizon, but the light of goodness pushes it out of view on most days.
And people. Thank Jesus for the people.
I'm grateful for the pieces of my heart that are still a little jagged. The parts of me that are still healing. The parts that i'm making sense of and Jesus is still doing work in. The parts that are making me humble and stronger.
This season I find myself walking forward more than i'm looking back...hard things get easier, and my story gets weirder...complex....interesting....
I'm still working on the forgiveness part of some things...because it's just real hard....and it hurst to let go when you think you're right....but the lens of gratitude makes a little bit easier. Being thankful for experiences and lessons makes the angry part of you less harsh.
So, let's see where this takes us. I have no idea. I know that most days i'm on the verge of tears and tired in the best way you can be tired. I know that things that are worth it are often difficult.
and i know the best way to jump is to hold someone's hand.
And i'm listening to Christy Nockles sing "Love Can Build a Bridge" and it's just the best ever.
Stay tuned. more to come.
