There are just some days when I don't have the energy to be happy for other people.

I'm so glad everything is so great, but i'm in the middle of a existential crisis, so i'll save my celebration for a later time.

i'm sorry. it's an asshole thing to say, but sometimes, it's true.

Skinny Love.

I think sunsets are just better in the Fall. They are somehow more of what sunsets should be, orange and warm and kissed with the promise of new days and 2nd chances.

Maybe sunsets are better in the Fall because Fall is really good at goodbyes. Every thing in fall is a goodbye of sorts, and saying goodbye to a day, for better or worse, it just what Fall does best.

Fall is my favorite teacher. The best, hardest, sweetest lessons learned have been in this season. Faded pictures and old letters and notes on post-its found inside worn pages of old books are reminders the weird way the life spirals on itself.

Fall asks a lot of me. It's asks me to believe to have faith thats not so easily shaken. It asks me to try, to push beyond what I think i can do....to arrive at a place yet unknown.

Let's face it, those are some hard asks, with zero promise of success. I don't like it when the odds are not in my favor.

The truth is that these asks come with lots of risks, lots of hard lessons that leave marks on me.

Back in January when I was drunk on twinkle lights and resolutions and the promise of what new years brings, i choose a word to focus on...(whatever, it's a thing i do)

I chose Grace.

I chose poorly.

Grace is hard. Grace is not something you master. It is not a word that you simply think about for the year and then are done with. You are never done learning grace, understanding grace or receiving grace...it just doesn't stop. ever.

Grace is constant. Grace is a choice. Grace looks the exact opposite of my most natural reactions.

And I have 100% failed. I'm bad at Grace.

I know better, though, what grace looks like.

Much like "praying for patience" declaring "grace" as the word of the year invites many, many opportunities to practice. Blah, blah, blah....it's beautiful but it also kind of sucks a lot.

because people are jerks.....broken. People are broken.

It's also been brought to my attention about a billion times this year that i'm also a jerk....broken.

I say things i don't mean, i throw the best pity party in all the land, I hold a grudge with the best of them, i refuse forgiveness, i talk about how people are the worst....and everyone else does, too.

I've learned the importance of the 2nd Chance. It's a beautiful concept. It's not a clean slate, it's trying again with what you've experienced.  It's completely undeserved, it's the most valuable gift.

It's a chance to do better. To do right by people and right by yourself.

Im so incredibly thankful for the 2nd chance for I am ever the stumbler, forever clumsy in my approach to love and grace and forgiveness.....the world? Yeah, probably the world...

Fall has asked me to try hard and to believe a lot this season, and in order to do that, I needed to let go of some crappy stuff, to leave it where it belongs, and take with me the lessons, and faith, and the experience that has led me here.

To this place. This in-between, but further along the continuum, this still confusing place.

It all matters, and as i sit here, watching life spiral on it's self spending my days hoping my words don't fall on deaf ears, while searching for the Jesus I know is ever present, hoping to truly feel the security in his promises, I understand what it means to practice grace a little better. If for no other reason that to understand that i fall short 100% of the time.....but love allows me to keep trying.

So, this is 31. A decade ago, I was running around with my college friends, no really knowing where life would take us, but drunk on the idea that we would always be together, in some way, no matter where our dust settled. Now, I do significantly less running, but i'm still in love with the idea that life doesn't mean to break your heart, friendships do last forever, and love wins.

And love only wins when there is grace.

So here's to fall, my favorite teacher. And to Grace for all the ways its taught me to love people better. And to an even present, ever faithful, ever grace-filled God who loves me....us....even thought we're major jerks.....broken.