What makes you stay....

On days when your head cannot make sense of the truth. When you're unsure and the words don't come out right. When you try and fail and try and fail and it seems like a big circle of the same old, same old.  When you are literally looking at your people wondering how in the world they are still here, and you wonder what makes them stay when everything is probably telling them to throw in the towel because you're too much of a train wreck. 

You read the list of tweets that you've written about the people you love the most over that last year. You re-read old blogs about your best girl going to Africa and how much you loved and laughed and existed before things got different. And how you struggled to make sense of things in the hard seasons, and how even when things were total shit, the characters and the goodness won. love won and will continue to win. And you're just kind of in awe of all of it. 

And those dusty, sweet memories somehow becomes louder than the lies because you remember what that love felt like and how you can still feel it, when you're not being a terrible human. 

Last year all i wanted to do was sit at the kitchen table and talk about life and dream big dreams and eat really, really great food and laugh and cry until it was late the breeze through the kitchen window smelled sweet and the light in the kitchen flooded everyone in their most beautiful glow.

This year is less kitchen table and more...office chats, and living room times, and doorway conversations and more hugs and outdoor chores and projects in the rain and coffee dates and awkward side hugs when you're weeping. and Saturday morning coffees. Different but still beautiful.

It's still all i want to do. i want to look at old photos and hear stories and read old yearbooks and plan anniversary parties and these people so much that it makes me weepy. instead of being scared. Instead of trying to push them away. 

I want to plan epic birthday weeks and birthday parties and i want to let go of all the fear and cross the scary bridges when and if they come. 

What do you say in moments like this? You just let your heart lead the way. 

i'm gonna go watch Meet the Robinsons with Nick because he's the best. :) 

preach

As children we found ways to protect ourselves from vulnerability, from being hurt, diminished, and disappointed. We put on armor; we used our thoughts, emotions, and behaviors as weapons; and we learned how to make ourselves scarce, even disappear.  Now as adults we realize that to live with courage, purpose, and connection-to be the person whom we long to be-we must again be vulnerable.  We must take off the armor, put down the weapons, show up, and let ourselves be seen."

                                                                            -Brene Brown

for my next trick i'll attempt to be an adult and have hard conversations without making people hate me. 

success rate predictions....slim to none. 

it never took much convincing for me to believe in you.....

Today was less than stellar, although having an adventure with Shellie and laughing in the office helped quite a bit.

Nothing, literally nothing makes me fall in love with the world again the way the city of St. Paul does. Whatever the season, it's lovely and constant and is home to some of the fondest memories and deepest heart break. It's a tapestry of streets and parks and food and walks and talks woven together by my experience and love and complete naivete that everything will work out the way its supposed to.

In the story of my life, St. Paul would be it's own character. She has shown me more about the world and what i love and who i am than any single person i know. She is full of leaps of faith and hard falls, big dreams and plans to change the world.

She is history and she is the future rolled into one sprawling cityscape.

St. Paul some how reminds me about what matters, for it is in her care where i truly learned about community, and sacrifice and commitment. She is the knower of the all things and loves me because of it.

Standing by the river with the people who have loved me sacrificially, and unconditionally, looking for the right, perfect words havin no idea that i'm watching them exist. Feeling both grateful and guiltily that they've rearranged so much of their lives for me.

Watching them and watching the river the is overflowing, the smell of summer, the humidity in the air, just hanging there like words unspoken, the feel of summer on my skin was overwhelming to the point where i literally had no words.

they completely failed me. I don't know how to say i love and i'm sorry in the same breath with thank you and you'll never understand how important you are.

So, St. Paul, i tip my little summer hat to you, and your beautiful city,  I am so grateful for the role you play in my story.

this photo was from my first big girl apartment. The is the view out of the living room window. This is where the city stole my heart. It's where i fell in love with life and people and Jesus. It's the only other place i've ever felt "home" like i belong there besides Geebs and now the grove. There are pieces of me all over that city and i couldn't be happier about it.

Fridays are supposed to be amazing....

Well, fuck what happens when they aren't.

this is soooooo cute, and "That's what's up"

love.

Dangerous Church....

I've been real unimpressed with my churches current series, because i think they're doing it all wrong. 

I realize, i'm a little bit of a peanut gallery in this instance, but sill, i will get out my soap box and stand up for just a quick minute. 

To me, a dangerous church, is something more than just getting people to volunteer inside the church.  It's part of it, for sure, but certainly not the main point. 

But to be connected.. to the world, the larger Body, even if it's not for a Jesus driven agency. 

Be nice to your neighbors, like your literal neighbors, volunteer at your kids' school, volunteer at a homeless shelter, go on a missions trip. do...something. anything...just do it with love. like for real. 

We're called to love people, and that's is exactly what we should be doing, when it hard and awkward and easy and fun....The fact that we are kind and we help where we can when we can is for sure a first step. 

As lame as it sounds...or as cliche...at least...as it is, we might be the only gospel people ever see...so why only use that to be in small groups or volunteer in children's ministry. 

Go somewhere and help someone that doesn't love Jesus or someone who does because it's the right thing to do. 

A dangerous church is fighting slavery, and hunger, and violence instead of worry about numbers. A dangerous church is pushing their people out of comfortable. They are pushing their people beyond just donating money to a cause. They should be pushing people toward experiencing diversity, and cultures and being more accepting of humans in general. 

I just don't think it's that complicated to love like Jesus did. Uncomfortable, sure, but not super hard and we tend to complicate and suburbanize what the gospel looks like and i hate that. 

I realize i have a servant heart. I know, that my ideas on how churches work is jaded, but i just think that the bible in it of itself is compelling and beautiful and doesn't need to be simplified by awkward humor or strage songs for the radio that doesn't necessarily even relate to the message. 

just help people and don't be an asshole. 

you're gonna make me lonesome when you go...

I want to talk about beginnings.

Humble, organic, beginnings.  The ones that sneak up on you, and grab your heart without even realizing it.

and you think "when i met you, i had no idea how important you'd be"

And you think how it began with slow,  somewhat random steps, and before you know it, you're waist deep in a history

Today, begins the first day of summer, which I spent with a pint sized mister who is now a regular in my cast of important people and a girl who had me at "i have no idea what's going on," who is more of a guest star, popping up here and there but she's sweet. She's one of my small girl, who is nervous all the time and i'm pretty sure it's just because no one ever took the time it just hear her.

And now, i'm sitting in my bed, sleepy form sun and life and so overwhelmed with love that i can't help be remember it all began in the summer.  My mom likes to use the word "kismet" while i prefer "kindred" but poe-tate-o, poe-tot-o.  Some people are just speical. Sometimes it makes no sense, and you fight it at first, and then you give me, because it just makes sense it makes you a better human, and you know in your heart that it's how it's supposed to be.

Last summer began with crazy schedules, hot weather, new jobs, no jobs, and  no school.  I think i kind of feel in love over the kitchen table. Over good food, and late night talks, and summer nights. It was the first time i felt like i belonged anywhere. It was the beginning of breaking and  healing, and it's so significant i could write on it forever. The way my heart bursts for the people who share the table with me is something not easily described in words.

 And, then, at some point, either i made it up or it's real. I felt a shift. I felt that my people loved me less.  that they stopped liking me and i got scared and then i was unsure about everything and somehow i doubt everything. I get afraid that the people whom i love so much are sick of me, and want me to leave but they are too afraid to say anything. and then it turns into mush in my brain and i literally become the worst.

I self destruct so that if things go south, i can just blame myself and my heart can feel less broken, only to realize that by being a pill, i'm ruining everything, and it just makes everything hard.

and nothing has changed in anyone else head but mine. I've speculated, and worried and made things up to the point where the truth is buried so deep under the lies that i literally cannot find it. and then i start need affirmation i wouldn't have before. and i literally lose my brain.

so, you can see how this can be problematic.

But tonight, as summer begins, so do i.  I'm going to begin by apologizing, I'm going to chose the right time and the right words and they will be simple, and then i'm going to stop thinking that everyone will eventually break my heart.

And if they do, I'll simply begin again, and that's ok.

So here's to the beginning of this summer and to what's to come for better or worse. Here's to getting tattoos, with or without each other, and for loving well, and apologizing when you should, and just enjoying the people who are in your life

I don't know what's going to happen, but , "I have that familiar conviction that life was beginning over again with the summer.” 

also, read Gatsby. just do it. the language is beautiful.

I try to love Jesus and myself.

Dear Everyone,

I try really hard to make you all think i'm amazing. when, really, i'm just a girl, who loves life a whole lot even though she has no idea what she's doing. Who's trying to exist in a world that broke her heart, and just wants to do the best she can and is sometimes funny. She's clumsy, her heart is on her sleeve and she doesn't quite know what to make of most things. She believes in the power of Jesus, she believes in kindred spirits, and soul mates and community and a tribe of people who will chase you if you leave.  She believes in love that is worth writing about, and late night heart to hearts and telling everyone exactly how you feel. She believes in traditions and story telling and front porch sitting and helping people move. She is passionate about life around the kitchen table, and misses those sweet moments of last summer that happened around the table. She hopes that someday she'll figure it all out, and that she'll make her people proud. She's doesn't try to be, but sometimes she's a pill. She loves hard. She plays hard, and she laughs hard. she loves the sound of summer and the smell of fall and her friends and family with all that's in her. 

So, my apologies. i'm not amazing, i'm actually just really lost but enjoying the adventure of being found a lot. 

Thank you for finding me, and thank you for the care, and screw you for making me think that this life might be fair.....

Sometimes it takes awhile to see outside yourself. but when you do, you realize that you owe the world like a million apologies.

And,, while i've got a whole bunch of pride that is bruised on the regular, i'm not above apologizing.


so. Waiting on the right words.

Sometimes i need a spoonful of humility. and sometimes i need a plateful.

This is a plateful moment. And i'm ok with that.

It is a story told by an idiot full of sound and fury, signifying nothing....

My personality is absolutely split in half.

I am independent, I stubborn and I am sassy. I like to debate and be right and have my shit together.

I do not like asking for help, or feeling vulnerable, or not knowing something.

I like to be good at things. I don't like feeling small.

I can fake confidence with the best of them. Most of the time you'll never know that i'm scared to death that i'll be replaced or that you'll stop loving me, or people will just leave and everyone will find out that i have no idea what i'm doing.

Mosy days, i hate my body and look in the mirror hoping to see something different i did the day before.  I stand there, confused about why people love me, and i begin to second guess whether or not it's even real.

And i don't know where that comes from and that is the most frustrating part. i don't know who told me i wasn't good enough.

There are days when i just need to lay my head in someones lap and cry or when i just need someone to see how hard i'm trying and just say.....i see you.

i feel invisible sometimes, and i just want someone to see.

Instead i get in my car, and i drive and i scroll through my phone and realize, i don't have a "friend you call when you just can't"

So i drive, and i turn the radio up real loud and i make turns randomly as i try to figure out when broke in my and when.

A work in progress is my life story. Thank goodness Jesus loves me, its just sometime the lies are louder than anything else.

i'm trying to hear the truth...but everything real rocky and i'm afraid i'll ruin just about everything i care about.

So theres that. Here's the other thing, I really, really, do think the world is a beautiful place and i think that people are good and try hard. I'm not a debbie downer about the world, it's just sometimes i feel real alone. and i am not wired to be alone unless i wanna be.

i want to crawl in a hole.

PEOPLE ARE HORRIBLY DISAPPOINTING. 

So much of me is made of what i learned form you.......

I graduated from high school 11 years ago today. Today, 11 years ago, my entire life lay ahead of me. 11 years ago, i had no idea who would steal my heart, who would break it and what kinds of things would light me on fire in a way that i've never experienced. I had no idea how much fun college would be.

i had no idea about anything. I was 18 and terrified and happy and so excited and mixed with emotions about growing up and leaving everything that i had ever known ever...to go into the world to be not only something, but someone....and the entire thing made me want to vomit.

But....thats sort of not the point. I just like to paint a picture. There is a lot I could say about high school, and most of it would be good. I had a great time for the most part and high school did not leave me for dead, it absolutely catapulted me forward.

Which is surprising coming form the chubby, not very pretty, smart ass, teacher's pet. On the whole, people liked me. It could have been so much worse. What i am most thankful for is the fact that there are 3 people from high school that have hung in there. We've ebbed and flowed and have felt far away, and so close....and those are the people who should get a standing o for putting up with me.

Because they didn't have to. Today, i was sitting just thinking about all we've been through. we've been so terrible. Said so many hurtful things because we were young and dumb and did not understand that worlds....make worlds. they liberate or crush us.

but we've also had moments of such gentleness and love that has been so real and they are moments that change you, that get inside you and make you feel so loved. Puzzle pieces that change shape. Sometimes we fit together is big ways, and other times it feels like we are and different sides of the puzzle not fitting at all....

and we always come back. and i'm so thankful for that.

Laura is my girl. I love her more than i can say. The perfect amount of sassy, and smart and her own person. She makes me laugh. she challenges me and she has the best, most compassionate heart. her family is made of pure gold and i just love them to pieces. We've stolen street signs, and studied and cried and laughed and shopped and worked every college summer together. My sweetest, fondest memories of my younger self include her.

Brent, is my gay. Will and Grace we will always be. he is just so sassy and gay but so sweet, funny and everything you think a gay best friend should be. there are no words. he makes my heart so full. All the showtunes and cher, and bars we've sung at....and college....we did college together. We watched each other grow into your skins. It's cool to have that.

Then there is Maggie, who to be honest, should probably hate me because i was kinda mean in high school. She is hilarious, and smart and such a spaz but loves Jesus so fiercely. i love her.

So tonight. i am thankful for the people who knew me then and know me now and love me anyway. Praise the lord for old friends.  I am so utterly thankful for them tonight.  My cup is overflowing like whoa.

You're not the only one who feels like this worlds left you far behind.

I'm going to be honest, because that's how everyone starts bloggs theses days, as if, frequently, people who write, lie.

Here is the truth. I'm not married, but i think i understand as much as i can as a single person, how difficult it is. I don't have a baby, but i think i understand as much as i can, how hard difficult raising kids is. So, While i appreciate the whole "these are hard" i keep reading, i know. And i would argue that they are supposed to be hard. Relationships take lots of work. and you should hug your kids a lot and tell them every day they can do anything they want.

Here's some more honesty. I don't know what i'm doing with my life. I don't even know what i'm good at. and i spend a lot time waiting for people to stop loving me because that's kind of been my routine. It's not sad. It's not something that is supposed to make you feel bad. I'm unemotional about the whole thing. It's just what it like to live in my head.

Once upon a time, I knew what i was doing and i was doing it like a boss. I supported myself (and at times other people) and then all suddenly and all at once i didn't recognize who was in the mirror. And now everything is helter skelter.

And i'm actually kind of ok with it, and everyone else is not. They are confused about all the potential i'm wasting and they just don't understand how at almost 30, i have nothing together. They seem to forget the 28 years prior when i knew my shit and was doing it like a boss.

So, i'm stuck in the in between which is honestly where i'll probably be forever. I thought my life would look different. I thought i would be different.

But, it's not. It is what it is, and I am making the best out of what comes my way. Consistently unsure of which direction to go in. Mostly leaping and hoping my parachute opens.

I am a crap shoot. i'm not freaking out about it, which is rare for this former control freak.

So, the honest truth is that i don't know. much of anything. but i'm doing what i can to figure it out.

Here's to summer

I have big ideas of love, and life and family, and forever.  Big, rosey colored, romantic ideas. and images collected in my memory scrapbook complied from movies, old photographs and the feelings nostalgia brings when she comes for a visit.

And sure, i used to be a little more sparkly. I used to have more "friends" and i was someones best friend. It felt nice to be claimed by a group of people. People who have seen me at my drunkest, stressed out, scared, and happy.

But nothing. Not one single thing compares to what i have now. The idea of how things are now, is not your average 30 year old dream, but then again neither am i.

Friends have become family. "best friends" are not a thing, really, but being "family" is. Having the best of times and the worst of times etched so vividly into my memory that i can still tell you exactly how things looked and felt and...even smelled.  When your heart is full of things you can't forget, well, i'm pretty sure that's something to pay attention to.

Here, age doesn't matter, marital status, and amount of schooling, what you're wearing etc don't matter. This truly is a "come as you are" place. You just get to be loved, and love well, the most amazing group of people from the smallest baby to the best grandmas, and when you throw in some rando teens you know things are about to get real. But it works. It all works, and it's beautiful.

It's the kind of thing that catches my breath, and when i'm not looking for it slaps me in the face, and its then that i remember that i would not trade tired arms and good food and trashy tv...for all of the party invites in the world.

Because belonging somewhere is much better than trying to fit somewhere, and i'll take that over a million best friend necklaces.

I'll take outdoor chores when you're just trying to love each other the way you did before, and laughing and the honesty and the occasional Kardahsian style melt down over any amount of fake friends.

That's the real stuff. The hit you in the heart kind of love that everyone wants. so, yeah, it doesn't look very...typical, but i'm anything but typical.  Trying to exist in a world that doesn't mean to break your heart, but does anyway, is hard, so you gotta have good people around you.

They type of people who borrow your clothes, and yell at you, and cry with you and hug you and make you so crazy that love is the only reason you have not killed them....or at the very least punched them in the throat.

it's summer, and i remember where we all were a year ago and how a lot has changed, for the better, and how things just keep getting better and the bottom hasn't dropped out...well, the only reason is Jesus.  And knowing this kind of love is gut wrenching, but the super rad.

So here's to summer, what it will bring and how it will change us. i couldn't be more excited to be in the mess with this tribe of weirdos.

can't complain about much these days....i believe we'll be ok.

I walk around on most days thinking that the majority of people who know me, think i'm a stellar human.

They think i'm nice and i care about people, and that i work hard, and always have good intentions. I love Jesus and i'm doing the best i can.

All of that is mostly true. i'm super loyal, and i'll do just about anything short of a felony for someone i love, and depending on who it is, i could probably be talked into a felony. Ride or die.

But there is this part of me that comes out when i'm wounded or feeling hurt. It's like the exact opposite of any of the aforementioned good qualities.

i can freeze you out like a boss, i can be so snarky you wont be able to tell if i'm serious or not but either way you'll be offended. i push bottoms, i hit pressure points just subtly enough for it to be felt but not make super big waves.

it's unpleasant. for everyone but i get to sit in the justified seat of "you were terrible, i'm just giving it back as good as i get it" type thing.

Trust me, it's not a quality i love. i know that i do it.

but i guess i didn't realize that other people know i do it, too. It's embarrassing really.

But i need to know. in order for me not to be the worst human, i need to know that other people are noticing.

Instead of everyone talking about how i'm being ridiculous, maybe just tell me. helpful to tell me when i'm being ridiculous instead of telling other people about it.

i'll adjust my sails, i promise.

THIS!

this is perfect.