I'm not saying that you're interested in what a London Fog with skim milk tastes like (but you kinda are) they're terrible, and I want my 4 dollars back.
Side note: 4 dollars is a lot of money to spend on tea, yet I continue to do it all the time.
Additional side note: I'm thinking of giving up carbs for a minute, just to see what happens. (ps. i ate banana bread this morning...soo....already nailing it.) I'm currently feeling pretty crappy about my body but feeling real good about the idea of the clothes i have actually looking not terrible on me. Also....i have a wedding to go to in 3 weeks.
And while we're just on the subject of things that are not being nailed....Lent. I super suck at this year. I'm literally a week behind. I have not fasted. I'm not nailing it.
But I am really trying to pause in the day and be grateful for it. Even on hard days there is laughter. Even on days when I feel like i'm not teaching life changing lessons....(which is basically every day) There are kids who come into my room to hug me, to exist, to freak out about something, or to just feel like the belong somewhere.
I think that's a win. For as much as i'm not reading a devo every day...which I know is important, I really do. And I do notice that I'm a better human when i do that, I have really been on board with this idea of "being in it together."
Over the past couple of days I've been really thinking about ordinary moments where I've felt so connected to other people, and it's actually made me love humans in a whole new way.
One time, when I was in a season of my life when i was a straight up train wreck. I was running myself completely ragged and i had just totaled my car and i was working at a school where kids swore at me and shot weird paper clip things at me.....and i cried a lot.
It sounds sad, because it was but it was really formative, so i'm okay with it....and also it's over so it's all kind of nbd now.
Anyway, My friend and pastor picked me up from school and he could tell that i was just a hot mess....so he drove me to this house that looked like it was made out of a tree....and that you'd expect Bilbo Baggins to walk right out of. Like...it actually belonged in the shire. And we laughed about this gem that is tucked back in the heart of highland park. We got gelato and for like 45 mins i didn't think about how crappy my life was. I just existed, i felt heard. It felt good to a laugh and discover something totally random in the most unexpected and ordinary of places.
And the profundity of the moment was lost on me until about 3 days ago when I was driving through Highland looking for the damn tea source. I just smiled like a fool. I like pulling memories out of my pocket and dusting them off until they glow with that golden hue that reminds you that everything doesn't suck.
Today I was so grateful of the moments during the day when I get to just interact with my kids. They are funny and sweet and they make me laugh harder than most people. They also make me madder than most people.....but i love them, and i love getting to love them and teach them.
Being on the other side of hard stuff is cool, but being thankful for the roads that got you there is probably even better.
i'm listening to a lot of One Direction. I'm only like YEARS late man. what the hell. Who even knows.
Tuesday, February 23, 2016
Sunday, February 14, 2016
So Raise Your Glass if You're All Wrong in all the Right Ways....
Today is Valentines Day. I have a different opinion on Valentines Day every year. Mostly I'm indifferent. I think it can be sweet, i think it can be dumb. I like that we celebrate love but most of time we do it in a way that is mostly awkward and little bit offensive.
I've spent the better part of the day in my bed, and to be honest, I'm not entirely sure what i've been doing. I've read some blogs, i've half-heartedly tried to read a book i bought on a whim. I've been thinking about shaping my eyebrows for the last hour and half and i just haven't made it to the bathroom mirror to do it yet.
As you can see, my life is real hard today. Oh, i straightened my already mostly straight hair for no one or reason today because i'm as single as they come. I've also changed my lock screen background to something I personally think is adorable and i've basically transferred everything to my new (used) phone so all i have to do is activate it.
So basically i'm winning. Anyway, in honor of Valentine's Day, love and the shear joy I get from making lists, here is a list of things I love in no particular order.
1. London Fog's. Seriously. Although, i had one made with "Moon over Madagascar" tea the other day and it just about changed my life.
2. Raspberries.
3. Fall
4. Navy Blue
5. Anchors
6. Boys butts in good jeans. The kind that are worn in, a little faded with tiny rips form being handy.
7. Boys who play guitar.
8. Boys who love kids. Especially Elementary School teachers.
9. Making playlists.
10. Classic movies
11. Sea Salt spray
12. living the beach life in the summer
13. Books.
14. the theater
15. my family.
16. driving.
17. Collaging
18. Eau Claire.
19. St. Paul. <3 omg. This city.
20. planning road trips even if i never go on them. For example i really want to drive to New York to see A Streetcar Named Desire in june because 1. Tennessee William's is a boss.. 2. Gillian Anderson is Blanche (omg. i'm so about it right now because X Files Revival)
21. Ahem... X Files revival. David Duchvony might be old and a skeeze in real life but I would marry Mulder in a heart beat.
22. BOYS IN SUITS. omg. (see: Justin Timblerlake, Jimmy Fallon)
23. Funny people.
24. Sea Salt. dear Jesus i love sea salt.
25. curry. Though, i'm beginning to think it might have been a phase.
26. coconut everything.
27. Sunsets.
28. flip flops.
29. The water.
30. The East Cost.
31. The deep south
32. naming my fake children.
33. The gilmore girls
34. Remembering things
35. Amy Poehler and Tina Fey
36. Memoirs
37. nail polish
38. curling my hair when i'm bored.
39. Foreign Films (read: Just amelie)
40. AWARD SHOWS
41. Adele.
42. musicals
43. Country church
44. History.
45. old buildings
46. Antiques
47. Jesus.
48. Good Jeans.
49. clean sheets
50. new journals.
51. Candles.
52. Lent
53. my students
54. Green Bay.
55. Looking up tattoos.
56. Champaign
57. Red Wine.
58. My Minnesota Family.
59. photos.
60. hashtags.
61. Poetry
62. Babies.
63. Designing tattoos.
64. dreaming of getting a tattoo
65. planning my non-existant wedding.
66. sending mail.
67. Every version of "someone to watch over me" that has ever been sung...ever.
68. Here Comes the Sun and The only living boy in New York.
69. Hearing stories about the people i love before i knew them.
70. Big Snows. The big fluffy snow globe kind.
love a lot of things. I have a brain that almost never shuts off. I'm a day dreamer. I wish my life would play out like a romantic comedy. The more grandiose the better.
and for the record. I don't hate being single. I don't want to be single forever, but i also am not going to spend time freaking out abut how no boys love me....because for real, my anxiety is high enough with out adding "undatable" to the laundry list of things i freak out about the regular.
What do you love? who do you love? what makes you smiles so big that you feel like a fool but in the best way.
I've spent the better part of the day in my bed, and to be honest, I'm not entirely sure what i've been doing. I've read some blogs, i've half-heartedly tried to read a book i bought on a whim. I've been thinking about shaping my eyebrows for the last hour and half and i just haven't made it to the bathroom mirror to do it yet.
As you can see, my life is real hard today. Oh, i straightened my already mostly straight hair for no one or reason today because i'm as single as they come. I've also changed my lock screen background to something I personally think is adorable and i've basically transferred everything to my new (used) phone so all i have to do is activate it.
So basically i'm winning. Anyway, in honor of Valentine's Day, love and the shear joy I get from making lists, here is a list of things I love in no particular order.
1. London Fog's. Seriously. Although, i had one made with "Moon over Madagascar" tea the other day and it just about changed my life.
2. Raspberries.
3. Fall
4. Navy Blue
5. Anchors
6. Boys butts in good jeans. The kind that are worn in, a little faded with tiny rips form being handy.
7. Boys who play guitar.
8. Boys who love kids. Especially Elementary School teachers.
9. Making playlists.
10. Classic movies
11. Sea Salt spray
12. living the beach life in the summer
13. Books.
14. the theater
15. my family.
16. driving.
17. Collaging
18. Eau Claire.
19. St. Paul. <3 omg. This city.
20. planning road trips even if i never go on them. For example i really want to drive to New York to see A Streetcar Named Desire in june because 1. Tennessee William's is a boss.. 2. Gillian Anderson is Blanche (omg. i'm so about it right now because X Files Revival)
21. Ahem... X Files revival. David Duchvony might be old and a skeeze in real life but I would marry Mulder in a heart beat.
22. BOYS IN SUITS. omg. (see: Justin Timblerlake, Jimmy Fallon)
23. Funny people.
24. Sea Salt. dear Jesus i love sea salt.
25. curry. Though, i'm beginning to think it might have been a phase.
26. coconut everything.
27. Sunsets.
28. flip flops.
29. The water.
30. The East Cost.
31. The deep south
32. naming my fake children.
33. The gilmore girls
34. Remembering things
35. Amy Poehler and Tina Fey
36. Memoirs
37. nail polish
38. curling my hair when i'm bored.
39. Foreign Films (read: Just amelie)
40. AWARD SHOWS
41. Adele.
42. musicals
43. Country church
44. History.
45. old buildings
46. Antiques
47. Jesus.
48. Good Jeans.
49. clean sheets
50. new journals.
51. Candles.
52. Lent
53. my students
54. Green Bay.
55. Looking up tattoos.
56. Champaign
57. Red Wine.
58. My Minnesota Family.
59. photos.
60. hashtags.
61. Poetry
62. Babies.
63. Designing tattoos.
64. dreaming of getting a tattoo
65. planning my non-existant wedding.
66. sending mail.
67. Every version of "someone to watch over me" that has ever been sung...ever.
68. Here Comes the Sun and The only living boy in New York.
69. Hearing stories about the people i love before i knew them.
70. Big Snows. The big fluffy snow globe kind.
love a lot of things. I have a brain that almost never shuts off. I'm a day dreamer. I wish my life would play out like a romantic comedy. The more grandiose the better.
and for the record. I don't hate being single. I don't want to be single forever, but i also am not going to spend time freaking out abut how no boys love me....because for real, my anxiety is high enough with out adding "undatable" to the laundry list of things i freak out about the regular.
What do you love? who do you love? what makes you smiles so big that you feel like a fool but in the best way.
Thursday, February 11, 2016
Be lifted high as my kingdoms fall.....
I'm afraid that the following may just be a litany of scattered thoughts because I'm trying to figure out just what i'm thinking and how i want to say it as i'm writing.
I know that's probably annoying. You'll have to forgive it.
So, lent kind of snuck up this year, which is a bit ironic considering it took 1000 years for January to be over with. Winter messes with time. Everything is long and cold. Never the less, here we are 40-ish days form Easter, and I began the week with no plan.
I really love Lent. I am a human who loves roots, and traditions and also the church calendar. It's funny that even as i was younger, i always gave something up for during this season. Lutherans are not required to give anything up. We just enjoy the Wednesday Lenten Soup supper....because who doesn't love soup. It was never anything my parents did, really. So the fact that I even haphazardly did it as a teen ager who really had no idea of the profundity of this time...must mean that God was pursing me even then...to go deeper.
Over the last couple of years there have been a lot of things that I felt needed internal prayer, and with that things which i chose to abstain from. There were family crisis, and marriage crisis and new beginnings and unknown directions...things I whole heartedly believe we all made it though because of internal time we spent in surrendering it.
I've added devos and daily offices to my lenten repertoire. I've fasted in various forms...it's all been important in my spiritual development as well was just becoming a better human.
Anyway...i like lent, you get it. My point. This year, I didn't feel strongly about anything, really. There was nothing that kept popping up...so i wasn't sure. I knew I wanted to spend this season focused on gratitude, but i had (still have) no idea really, what that is going to look like...
But then, i started to pay attention....and "community" and the idea of being in it together and not being alone have been popping up literally everywhere.
If you have even existed in the same space i have occupied you know i'm super relationally focused. I love my people and I like to spend time in those relationships. As of late, I've sort of distanced myself from community. I mean sure there are some people whom i love and spend time with a lot but never in the way i used to. I've sort of retreated into this space where i've sort of stiff armed a lot of people into staying away.
But I think it's time to drop the armor.
Today I went to a funeral, and if there was one thing that resonated was that he was man who loved deeply, and was deeply loved by his community of people. He left a legacy of peace and love behind him. It was beautiful.
So i guess what i'm saying is that gratitude and community and love are my focus.
I am learning, always want it means to love people well, and I suspect that in the coming days and weeks, ill have more practice.
My prayer though this season is that I have eyes like Jesus. To see what people need before they ask, to love people in the way they most need it, to love people and myself well.
So, it's with hopeful anticipation that welcome this season, may it change me in way that makes me look more like jesus.
I know that's probably annoying. You'll have to forgive it.
So, lent kind of snuck up this year, which is a bit ironic considering it took 1000 years for January to be over with. Winter messes with time. Everything is long and cold. Never the less, here we are 40-ish days form Easter, and I began the week with no plan.
I really love Lent. I am a human who loves roots, and traditions and also the church calendar. It's funny that even as i was younger, i always gave something up for during this season. Lutherans are not required to give anything up. We just enjoy the Wednesday Lenten Soup supper....because who doesn't love soup. It was never anything my parents did, really. So the fact that I even haphazardly did it as a teen ager who really had no idea of the profundity of this time...must mean that God was pursing me even then...to go deeper.
Over the last couple of years there have been a lot of things that I felt needed internal prayer, and with that things which i chose to abstain from. There were family crisis, and marriage crisis and new beginnings and unknown directions...things I whole heartedly believe we all made it though because of internal time we spent in surrendering it.
I've added devos and daily offices to my lenten repertoire. I've fasted in various forms...it's all been important in my spiritual development as well was just becoming a better human.
Anyway...i like lent, you get it. My point. This year, I didn't feel strongly about anything, really. There was nothing that kept popping up...so i wasn't sure. I knew I wanted to spend this season focused on gratitude, but i had (still have) no idea really, what that is going to look like...
But then, i started to pay attention....and "community" and the idea of being in it together and not being alone have been popping up literally everywhere.
If you have even existed in the same space i have occupied you know i'm super relationally focused. I love my people and I like to spend time in those relationships. As of late, I've sort of distanced myself from community. I mean sure there are some people whom i love and spend time with a lot but never in the way i used to. I've sort of retreated into this space where i've sort of stiff armed a lot of people into staying away.
But I think it's time to drop the armor.
Today I went to a funeral, and if there was one thing that resonated was that he was man who loved deeply, and was deeply loved by his community of people. He left a legacy of peace and love behind him. It was beautiful.
So i guess what i'm saying is that gratitude and community and love are my focus.
I am learning, always want it means to love people well, and I suspect that in the coming days and weeks, ill have more practice.
My prayer though this season is that I have eyes like Jesus. To see what people need before they ask, to love people in the way they most need it, to love people and myself well.
So, it's with hopeful anticipation that welcome this season, may it change me in way that makes me look more like jesus.
Monday, February 8, 2016
Rainy days and *monday's* always get me down....
Today was rough. It's Monday, so that in and of itself makes it rough, but this Monday was a bit different.
Between kids crying in the bathroom and in my room for all of the reasons and just...no reason. coupled with a student being the hospital still, and another student learning there is nothing to do for her dad's stage for cancer except keep him comfortable....it feels like a lot, and my heart just breaks for them.
Not to mention the typical school stuff that is the sass, the privilege, and the lack of caring...which just gets old, and it doesn't even help to know that these students are like this in all their classes. Its just frustrating.
I might get the summers off, but i also love and pour into 100+ kids a day, all while trying to teach them how to be good humans and literate humans.
It's whole thing.
And the general sad feeling from yesterday. I don't really like feeling left out or when people say my feelings aren't valid, or that i'm being sensitive when sometimes thats not it..
ugh. life, right? Sometimes you just need someone to hug you and tell you they love you. We all need it. I could really use it today.
As i look toward lent this year...my head is not in the right place. i have no idea what my lent will look like. I need to focus. But i'm excited for Ash Wednesday. Digging into this season is one of the best things i've ever learned from Brad and Rita. It always takes me to a different place, and it always makes my heart sting a little bit.
so, i'm reluctant to accept what lent has for me mostly because i want a break from the hard stuff for a minute.
Thankful for new days, and that spring break is in like 5 weeks. and that spring is coming and so is Jesus.
Between kids crying in the bathroom and in my room for all of the reasons and just...no reason. coupled with a student being the hospital still, and another student learning there is nothing to do for her dad's stage for cancer except keep him comfortable....it feels like a lot, and my heart just breaks for them.
Not to mention the typical school stuff that is the sass, the privilege, and the lack of caring...which just gets old, and it doesn't even help to know that these students are like this in all their classes. Its just frustrating.
I might get the summers off, but i also love and pour into 100+ kids a day, all while trying to teach them how to be good humans and literate humans.
It's whole thing.
And the general sad feeling from yesterday. I don't really like feeling left out or when people say my feelings aren't valid, or that i'm being sensitive when sometimes thats not it..
ugh. life, right? Sometimes you just need someone to hug you and tell you they love you. We all need it. I could really use it today.
As i look toward lent this year...my head is not in the right place. i have no idea what my lent will look like. I need to focus. But i'm excited for Ash Wednesday. Digging into this season is one of the best things i've ever learned from Brad and Rita. It always takes me to a different place, and it always makes my heart sting a little bit.
so, i'm reluctant to accept what lent has for me mostly because i want a break from the hard stuff for a minute.
Thankful for new days, and that spring break is in like 5 weeks. and that spring is coming and so is Jesus.
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