I'll do it better in my next 30 years.

I am 30. I ended my night at a birthday party for someone else because that is exactly how life happens. Still, my day was lovely.

A new decade should mean some things, and while I haven't worked out all the details, i think it will look something like this:

1. I'm going to stop need the affirmation form the important people in my life. Just because they don't love me how i want them to does not mean that they don't love me. i have to believe that

2. Boundaries.

3. let it go.....

4. remember where i put my hearts desire.

5. Love them anyway.

6. learn how to be the type of person who is not so easily disappointed by other people.


If there is anything i've learned about my 20's is that life is jacked up. People go through a shit ton of hard things, it's scary and it's almost always uncharted territory but that doesn't mean you shouldn't jump into the trenches for people. It doesn't mean you shouldn't stand in the gap  and be there.

And i guess for as hard as it was, i wouldn't have done it any other way, really. im thankful for what i have and all i've learned.  And life has done it's job of marking me with stories and lessons that will weather the test of time.

And people really are beautiful, if you give them the chance to be.  People don't mean to break your heart, they really don't.

And my expectations of people are too high and i need to just let people be who they are instead of who i want them to be. It will save me tons of heart ache.

i just want to find a way back to myself that i love and everyone else does, too.

I want to be the type of person people get weepy about.

it doesn't matter what written in a card, or on your facebook wall or if anything is uttered. You know they love you because they love you at your most unpleasant.

i don't know how to do that quite yet. but i sure am working on it.

One day i wont feel anything with such intensity. I think it will be the best option for everyone.

Yesterday i got lost in the circus....

I wear pieces of my heart around my neck like a best friend necklace.

One for Green Bay, for family and humble beginnings

One of St. Paul, for Jesus, and discovery and adventure, and heartbreak and learning,

One for the Grove, for healing, laughter, and tears and so much love.

Three pieces, and sometimes i forget the tracks laid in each place. Sometime I need to settle into myself with a blanket and a cup of coffee, take a deep breath and remember.

Remember life is dynamic, always changing shape and morphing into something you never even thought existed, which is equal parts terrifying and fun.

Adventures come with an element of unknown, potential danger, potential heartbreak, potential ruin, but being brave means doing it anyway.

Jumping. No one says you can't plug your nose, you just have to jump. And jump however you like.

headfirst, feet first, cannonball, back flips, pencil dives, belly flops

I go heart first. It's the only way i've ever gotten anywhere.

I'm sitting at a kitchen table in St. Paul, working a project, celebrating a life that has literally made the world a better place. A life that means something significant. A life of a heart that pumps hard for the right reasons. The sun in shinning, the leaves are perfect it smells like fall.

It smells like homecomings and the wind whispers of adventures to come. Inviting us a long for a ride.  A ride populated by colorful characters, and beautiful scenery.

We are invited to hop on board and change things. To be a catalyst for something better. For something beautiful.

All we have to do is jump.

St. Paul is like an old friend. I trust her with my fears, and dreams. She is constant, tried and true. She always reminds me of the fun in the adventure, and the beauty in possibility.

And right now, i'm so thankful for that.  

Sometimes it just nice to know that people think you're worth the effort.

and sometimes it's nice to hug your friends.

To be loved like a song you remember even when you've changed....

I am having trouble finding word for both the deep gratitude that this season brings, and also for necessary truth that comes from being refined and sharpened.

it's a juxtaposition of thankful eyes and type of truth that makes you kind of have to catch your breath. The deep inhale of something that might be painful. 

that's so like fall, though, isn't it? The beauty and the death? The chilling wind with warmth of tradition and fires. 

i feel like i've gotten away from myself.  the current version is good but not great. Sweet but salty, too. 

My face has seen it's share of tears, but has also cried from laughter. The uncontrollable kind that makes you laugh well after the moment has past. I've been on a road of self (re)discovering. slowly morphing and changing into who i think people want me to be until it's not, then,  then shedding my skin for a new one....that's thicker...and can take....more of what life throws at her. 

But at some point it's exhausting to be what everyone wants. 

i'm just little old me. At least, i'm working my way there. the reality of who I am wont be found in my contact list in my phone. It wont be found on twitter or my facebook page. 

If you're looking for my heart, half of it is 4 hours away. Patiently waiting for me to finally figure life out so I can love them like l'm supposed to. 

like i used to before my life got complicated by other people's problems. Before I wanted or needed them to accept and love me. 

Guess what? they don't really love me. so i have to spend some time trying to reconcile how i spent so much time chancing after and pouring my heart into something that shattered me. And once the bough broke and everything came crashing down, they all just stared, stunned, i'm sure, that i'd run out of gas, that i was sad and so unsure of how to feel about any of it. 

when all the people who truly love me were just waiting to for me to come on home. 

The other half of my heart belongs here. In a handful of people who see past what i am currently and know that at my core, i'm something far more extraordinary.

I've been so afraid of rejection, i've built a facade of sass. I'm sassy because my insides are fragile and it's hurts to think about how much i've let other people hurt me  without ever putting up a fight. 

The people that i thought would fight for me, turned out to my as fair-weather as the changing seasons. 

and here i sit, single. nearly 30, and i certainly have some battle scars. Proof that i've made it this far but changed by the experience. 

Still, though, trying to figure out what's wrong with me. Why am i still single. Everyone is literally coupled up and i'm just here. 

There are not boys beating down the door, wanting to take me out. Nope not one. 

And i did a nice job of convincing myself that i'm ugly and gross and no boy is ever going to want to date me. I'm friends with beautiful people who are far prettier skinnier and more charming than i'll ever be. 

i'm mostly scared i'll end up alone. And that's tragic. I want to believe that someday it will happen, but the odds don't seem to be in my favor. 

I know i haven't been myself. It's taken years of undoing, so to get back to girl who laughs loud, does everything with her whole heart, and loves completely is going to take some time. 

and i hate it, and it makes me want to cry a lot. 

Fall is the season for change and for coming home. I'm sprinting down a familiar path, one that is worn form 30 years of travel, marked by the people who are a part of me. The ones who just make sense. The ones who can see through the layers to the pieces of me that are real. 

it's marked by the people who remember why they fell in love with this silly, optimistic girl, who laughs when she nervous, cries about everything, and believes that life doesn't mean to break your heart. That Jesus has got us all, and that prayer, and community and life and doing it together will change the world. 

i'm still that girl. i'm can feel her, especially in the fall, and i'm working my way back to her. 

I'm coming home.