What we talk about when we talk about endings....

It seems that there are a lot of endings happening lately. Finales of sorts. Ends, tied up, neatly. Doors closed, locked from the inside.

I find myself staring at the closed chapter. Wishing to reread parts while simultaneously, wanting to run as far from it as possible. The juxtaposition of  the feeling of flight and nostalgia is something i can't quite articulate.

It's like have feet firmly planted but trying to run anyway.

And it's just....Well, it makes you have ALL THE FEELINGS about it. I will try to explain:
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(I will tell you, as a side note, that my AP English teacher would be thrilled at how often i used the words dichotomy and juxtaposition in regular conversation. That, or, she'd still think i needed to be tested for ADHD and then i would cry)

My job is ending in 3 work days. It's great because I have a new full time teaching job in the fall, and also i hate my current job. But also sad because it never quite turned out to be what i wanted it to. My ideas what were going to happen were wrong, and i feel sad about that. I also feel sad about the people whom i love a lot that i will no longer see on a daily basis.

I was dumb and wrecked a car. I feel horribly ashamed, guilty and mad about this. First of all, i know how to take care of cars, i just fucked up. Second, now people think that this is how i am with cars. third...it has left be with out car and dependent upon really good people being overly generous with theirs. To the point where, again, i feel ashamed, guilty....etc.

I got a new car (i used the term "new" as loosely as humanly possible) which is great because it an now go see my family. But now have gone into debt to the aforementioned amazing human beings to buy said car. Have i mentioned that they left me live with them and dont' ask me to pay for anything? it's stupid how generous they are.  i feel so much guilt on the regular because it.

I  bought the car form the pastor i work for...and whos daughter i'm friends with who knows i had to buy her dads car and who also knows i had to borrow money from aforementioned rock stars

I can only imagine what the world thinks. I know it shouldn't matter but, to me, in  this moment it's all i can think about. Seriously. i just want to crawl in a hole.

gross, right? I am grateful, so grateful, like it makes me weepy grateful, but i'm sure i don't appear to be grateful enough.

What's enough, really? How do you even begin to show appropriate gratitude for people to whom you owe everything? Including your first born.....that is if you find a boy to love you, marry you and have babies with you.....in the next 3 years.

Chances are low. because me.

My Kindalls are moving out of Cottage Grove.Well, they are not really my Kindalls anymore and i still haven't quite come to terms with that. We've lived that last year in a half and partial strangers. That feels a lot like that chunk of my life is over. Which is good i need it to be over. I need that strings my heart was still attached to to be cut....but i miss what was. It's like i'm looking at everyone carrying on through a 2 way mirror and they have no idea i'm watching.

I need to stop watching. My best friend from college is engaged, another will soon follow, i'm sure. I haven't seen them  in forever. I haven't tried and neither have they.

And sometimes i have to learn by natural consequences.

I have a friend who is amazing and has also just left her job. and every time anyone sees me the first thing they ask about is her. Sometimes i feel like his Girl Friday.

I'm stuck in a transition funk. I'm trying really hard for gratitude to win. For thankfulness. For the rose colored optimism to take over.

If i had Amy Poehler's voice in my head, that would help.

But today, and this week it's been hard. It's been humbling, and it's made feel embarrassed and hurt.

And while i feel like the future is bright and amazing and the ride i'm boarding is going to kick all the ass, i sometimes try really hard to hold on to what's slipping away.

So, i'm excited and scared for what's to come. But i often find that those two emotions have the exact same body reaction.

I'm so thankful but worried i didn't say thank you enough. Worried that i didn't appreciate enough the lessons and the relationships.

I'm a mess of feelings. Tomorrow will be better and i will do a better job of appreciating the sweet moments while not having to hold back tears.

Guilt and shame and inadequacy are assholes