There are things I keep close to my heart
i pull them out when things start to get fuzzy
and when i need to believe that life
doesn't mean to break your heart.
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Somehow your heart just always knows the way....
Sometimes, i look in the mirror and the person i'm looking at is
I assure her everything's ok.
strange.
she looks lost, like she can't quite figure out where she's going
yet, there's a quiet confidence that's she's finally found.
Found.
She's where she's supposed to be.
as if there was a cut in this city made especially for her.
how does she explain to her reflection, to the pieces of her heart
that "home" has many meanings.
Home. is everywhere.
Home is no where.
How can she leave the people she loves,
for the people she loves?
What does she say after months of being away.
She's changed. They've changed.
Things are different.
Yet, not enough for to be unrecognizable.
She stares are the ground, trying to get through
the most mundane of salutations.
Getting through how are yous and what's news
when inside her heart is aching to tell everyone
how much she loves them.
distance. makes the heart grow fonder.
distance makes her forget.
She just needs reminders.
Idle chit-chat.
awkwardness
maybe things have changed too much
Is she still the person that they love?
What do they really think?
Do they miss her?
Do they want her to stay?
What would she do if they asked her to stay.
to leave everything's she's built.
is it really that much?
Would their hearts sink to know
She is where she needs to be.
She's not going to stay.
she can't.
Being gone is hard.
From both places.
How can both places feel so
comfortable
so right.
the girl in the mirror looks scared.
Putting on my coat, giving her one last glance
I assure her everything's ok. Your heart always knows the way.
Your heart always leads you home.
Thursday, December 8, 2011
i never expected to be amen-ing about an introduction to a book but:
She learns from her students that they have more difficult lives than her storyteller's imagination can invent. her life have been comfortable and privileged compared to theirs. She never had to worry about feeding her babies before she went to class. she never had a father or boyfriend who beat her at night and left her bruised in the morning. She didn't have to plan an alternative route to avoid gangs in the school hallway. Her parents didn't plead with her to drop out of school so she could help them earn money.
How can art make a difference in this world? should she be teaching these students to write poetry when they need to know how to defend themselves from someone beating them up. can a memoir by Malcolm X or a novel by Garica Marquez save them from the daily blows? And what about those who have such learning problems they can't even manage a book by Dr. Seuss but can weave a spoken story so wondrous, she wants to take notes. How can she teach her students to take control of their own destiny? She loves these students . What should she be doing to save their lives.
She learns from her students that they have more difficult lives than her storyteller's imagination can invent. her life have been comfortable and privileged compared to theirs. She never had to worry about feeding her babies before she went to class. she never had a father or boyfriend who beat her at night and left her bruised in the morning. She didn't have to plan an alternative route to avoid gangs in the school hallway. Her parents didn't plead with her to drop out of school so she could help them earn money.
How can art make a difference in this world? should she be teaching these students to write poetry when they need to know how to defend themselves from someone beating them up. can a memoir by Malcolm X or a novel by Garica Marquez save them from the daily blows? And what about those who have such learning problems they can't even manage a book by Dr. Seuss but can weave a spoken story so wondrous, she wants to take notes. How can she teach her students to take control of their own destiny? She loves these students . What should she be doing to save their lives.
Friday, December 2, 2011
Long December....
Dude. it's December!
The holiday season is upon us and i could not be more jazzed. I love everything about this season. The snow, the lights, the smells, people coming home, the feeling that everywhere feels like home. It's just beautiful.
not to mention. Jesus. how cool is Jesus? WAY COOl.
This season of course we celebrate Jesus' birth. Why? Well, clearly because he came to you, know, save us.
But there is more. way more. Not that dying to save us isn't a big deal, because it is, it's huge. BUT THERE IS MORE!
I just read a book that rocked my world. It's called "kingdom come" and it's all about the Kingdom of God. The restored world where God can reign. Cool, right? and Jesus came to usher in the Kingdom. To get the ball rolling, so God can begin to restore EVERYTHING.
and it all started with a wee babe in a manger.
That.is.awesome. See, babies are cool.
The idea of the kingdom is something i haven't really thought about...... like ever. Well, at least until i started going to the Gallery. But what an amazing thing it is. One day everything will be restored and right now we are in a period of intense reconstruction.
So, God shows up and does his thing in our lives, sometimes we can feel him actively hammering, and gluing and cleaning up our lives, our worlds, and our hearts, and that is super beautiful.
Then there are times where all we can see are detour signs, and road closed, and "caution, under construction signs. and there are falling beams, and the floors are rickety. but it's all in preparation to make EVERYTHING BEAUTIFUL.
In the gundar song "beautiful things" really speaks to the work that's happening right now "you make beautiful things out of the dust"
On day, everything will be lovely, and restored for everyone. It's so much bigger than anything we could ever really wrap our mind around. We are all dust, but workin' our ways to beautiful and amazing, and all because God loves us SO SO SO much.
i mean, really? that's the best news, ever.
so, i'm really excited for advent. Getting ready for Jesus to come and for the Kingdom to come and for God's will to eventually to be done. And then celebrating the fact that everything changed once Jesus busted on to the scene.
Prophesies were fullfilled. Promises were kept.
that is bitchin'.
The holiday season is upon us and i could not be more jazzed. I love everything about this season. The snow, the lights, the smells, people coming home, the feeling that everywhere feels like home. It's just beautiful.
not to mention. Jesus. how cool is Jesus? WAY COOl.
This season of course we celebrate Jesus' birth. Why? Well, clearly because he came to you, know, save us.
But there is more. way more. Not that dying to save us isn't a big deal, because it is, it's huge. BUT THERE IS MORE!
I just read a book that rocked my world. It's called "kingdom come" and it's all about the Kingdom of God. The restored world where God can reign. Cool, right? and Jesus came to usher in the Kingdom. To get the ball rolling, so God can begin to restore EVERYTHING.
and it all started with a wee babe in a manger.
That.is.awesome. See, babies are cool.
The idea of the kingdom is something i haven't really thought about...... like ever. Well, at least until i started going to the Gallery. But what an amazing thing it is. One day everything will be restored and right now we are in a period of intense reconstruction.
So, God shows up and does his thing in our lives, sometimes we can feel him actively hammering, and gluing and cleaning up our lives, our worlds, and our hearts, and that is super beautiful.
Then there are times where all we can see are detour signs, and road closed, and "caution, under construction signs. and there are falling beams, and the floors are rickety. but it's all in preparation to make EVERYTHING BEAUTIFUL.
In the gundar song "beautiful things" really speaks to the work that's happening right now "you make beautiful things out of the dust"
On day, everything will be lovely, and restored for everyone. It's so much bigger than anything we could ever really wrap our mind around. We are all dust, but workin' our ways to beautiful and amazing, and all because God loves us SO SO SO much.
i mean, really? that's the best news, ever.
so, i'm really excited for advent. Getting ready for Jesus to come and for the Kingdom to come and for God's will to eventually to be done. And then celebrating the fact that everything changed once Jesus busted on to the scene.
Prophesies were fullfilled. Promises were kept.
that is bitchin'.
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
slow motion accident....
So, among other things i'm trying to be better at, I'm trying to make prayer and devos a daily habit.
I pretty much suck at it, but this one is really speaking to me lately.
As the rain hides the stars,As the autumn mist hides the hills,
As the clouds veil the blue of the sky,
So the dark happenings of my lot
Hide the shining of your face from me.
Yet, if I may hold your hand in darkness,
It is enough, since I know that,
Though I may stumble in my going,
You do not fall.
As the clouds veil the blue of the sky,
So the dark happenings of my lot
Hide the shining of your face from me.
Yet, if I may hold your hand in darkness,
It is enough, since I know that,
Though I may stumble in my going,
You do not fall.
things you (can't) tell just by looking at her:
i'm hiding behind a smile.
This is my life and i want you to know that i'm both happy and sad.
and still trying to figure out how that can be.
it seems strange.
i'm not crazy
or depressed really,
just trying to make it through the day
without falling
or failing
or making anyone mad.
or disappointed
i'm just a little scared. and overwhelmed.
there are a couple dents in my fender.
sometimes i put my pillow over my head and let the quiet
put things where they are supposed to be.
things i can't put away on my own.
quiet seems to do that.
sometimes the quiet get too loud.
and then i listen to beautiful songs
and i believe for 3:34
that the world is beautiful
and doens't mean to break your heart
in my head, i know that this is just "life"
and actually, what makes it beautiful
but being in the tick of it,
it doens't seem so lovely.
Even with all the overwhelming feelings
the ones that threaten to crush me
the ones that mess everything up.
There is still a lot of happiness
and reasons to smile.
The times where there is laughter
real laughter. the kind that involves your whole body.
and tears. and sore cheeks
those are the times to wait for.
The stress melts
into a puddle that floats away
and happy takes over
hearts feel lighter
love penentrates the ugly
the light starts to shine
and another day begins.
This is my life and i want you to know that i'm both happy and sad.
and still trying to figure out how that can be.
it seems strange.
i'm not crazy
or depressed really,
just trying to make it through the day
without falling
or failing
or making anyone mad.
or disappointed
i'm just a little scared. and overwhelmed.
there are a couple dents in my fender.
sometimes i put my pillow over my head and let the quiet
put things where they are supposed to be.
things i can't put away on my own.
quiet seems to do that.
sometimes the quiet get too loud.
and then i listen to beautiful songs
and i believe for 3:34
that the world is beautiful
and doens't mean to break your heart
in my head, i know that this is just "life"
and actually, what makes it beautiful
but being in the tick of it,
it doens't seem so lovely.
Even with all the overwhelming feelings
the ones that threaten to crush me
the ones that mess everything up.
There is still a lot of happiness
and reasons to smile.
The times where there is laughter
real laughter. the kind that involves your whole body.
and tears. and sore cheeks
those are the times to wait for.
The stress melts
into a puddle that floats away
and happy takes over
hearts feel lighter
love penentrates the ugly
the light starts to shine
and another day begins.
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Curtain Call...
It's both a happy and sad occasion. Everyone's happy. The show is over, the hard work is acknowledged, the lights shine brightly on all the right people, the important people. The show just wouldn't have been the same without them.
We applaud, and smile and jump to our feet with pride. The smiles and laughter are real. Genuine. From the gut authentic.
And yet, there are pangs of sadness that jolt us back to reality. Once the curtain closes, all that's left is what we thought about our time here. Nostalgia will drip from pictures, and songs, and phrases and we will remember this time fondly.
even if it wasn't always as perfect as we remember, and it wasn't. I prefer to remember that the possibilities were endless, that friendships lasted, and promises were kept. Love was real and always present.
So, i'll smile at this curtain call. I'll laugh about all the things that led to this point. I'll look around and be thankful for everyone, but i'll do it with a heart that's a little heavier than normal, and with tears welling in my eyes, ready for the sign that it's ok to fall.
Because when the curtain closes for the last time, the lights turn off, and the people go home, a new page starts.
And that's scary, and exciting, and beautiful, and, if we're lucky, a few cast mates will make cameos in later acts.
And then we'll be able to remember. how good it was and how good it is to be reminded. though the scenes might have changed, and some of the cast members, the characters stay the same.
I don't know what any of this means, really, except that endings are sad, and so are transitions, and i'm not good at either. but im trying to be better. I know that life goes on, and it will likely be better, but the sound of the sliding curtain is being heard so i have to get ready for my final bow.
Scene.
Friday, November 25, 2011
reminders....
i used to be a little bit more awkard than i am now, and people still loved me. In fact, they probably loved me more...because my awkwardness is endearing, and there is something sweet about people who just kind of don't get it....
I also used to sprint up my basement stairs because my basement freaked me out. Even when i was a teen ager. Dark and creepy still gets the best of me.
i used to write letters and cards,and get letters and be way more intentional about far away friends. Those letter reminded me of how much we cared about staying connected. I keep it all because it's a tangeble reminder of love.
One time, my high school tried to ban a book. I, as a senior, lead a group of students and parents to fight against this banning, which is a pretty big deal considering i was only 17 at the time.
I love country music, playing board games, going for drives, christmas lights, sitting around at my grandma's house watching the golden girls.
i love jesus, and traditions, and saying the Lord's prayer with a church full of people.
I love cardigans and the color pink, and wearing ribbons, and the wizard of oz.
and high school friends who've been there, and are still there and are really just rooting for me. and them, and everyone because we just love each other.
and having coffee in the morning with my dad, and playing cribbage and reading before bed.
and just being home. with my family. and laughing about everything and nothing.
and having people be proud of me for just makin' it through 27 years alive and still having a smile on face.
all i needed was a reminder, and Geebs always does that for me.
I also used to sprint up my basement stairs because my basement freaked me out. Even when i was a teen ager. Dark and creepy still gets the best of me.
i used to write letters and cards,and get letters and be way more intentional about far away friends. Those letter reminded me of how much we cared about staying connected. I keep it all because it's a tangeble reminder of love.
One time, my high school tried to ban a book. I, as a senior, lead a group of students and parents to fight against this banning, which is a pretty big deal considering i was only 17 at the time.
I love country music, playing board games, going for drives, christmas lights, sitting around at my grandma's house watching the golden girls.
i love jesus, and traditions, and saying the Lord's prayer with a church full of people.
I love cardigans and the color pink, and wearing ribbons, and the wizard of oz.
and high school friends who've been there, and are still there and are really just rooting for me. and them, and everyone because we just love each other.
and having coffee in the morning with my dad, and playing cribbage and reading before bed.
and just being home. with my family. and laughing about everything and nothing.
and having people be proud of me for just makin' it through 27 years alive and still having a smile on face.
all i needed was a reminder, and Geebs always does that for me.
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
(thank)full heart.
Thanksgiving is upon us. There are very few things i love more than the Holiday Season, and there a very few things that i love more than telling everyone just how much i love them.
Though, sometimes I worry that words start becoming empty when used too often. Still, my heart has a big mouth.
I am super jazzed to go back the pride land (Read: Green Bay) and spend time with my family doing nothing but watching tv, playing card games i will mostly likely lose, laughing, and eating. i'll do a lot eating.
I could give you a laundry list of things that I'm thankful for that include good health, and family and friends, and living in a beautiful city. While all those things are true, the thing i am MOST thankful for this year is Faithfulness.
Faithfulness? really? Well, yes.
I am thankful that i have a Faithful God. A God who provides. gives me my daily bread, answers prayers and keeps his promise about having big plans for me, who actively pursues my heart every.single.day.
I'm thankful for the faithfulness of my friends. Who even when I've said awful things, or been self-centered, or been a Grade A Drama Queen continue to love me. support me. help me, and tell me the truth. Now, i don't know quite how to articulate how much of a big deal this is, but it is. Being an OC, i have no idea what it is like to have siblings, but through these lovely people i get a sneak peak.
And then there is faithfulness from my family, who is not without flaws, but i doubt I could be loved more fiercely by anyone. They love me in a way that is literally incomprehensible to me. After all the times i've fallen on my face, been home sick, gotten "brilliant ideas" that are short lived, they are still the most supportive people i have ever known. They have taught me how to be a true woman of God.
The faithfulness of my mentors and people in my community who put their faith in me to be a leader/a learner and an active participant. is beautiful. The things i have learned from them because to their faithfulness and diligence have been priceless. The most important think i learn from them every day is how to abide and have strong faith. Gah. i love them.
Apparently, it takes village to make sure this 20-something don't fall apart, and I definitely do not make it easy. I love my village with my entire heart.
That being said, I am thankful for stumbles, and conflicts, and trials because it's through those things that i understand resolution, diligence, hard work, honesty, love and above all, faithfulness.
I am so thankful.
Though, sometimes I worry that words start becoming empty when used too often. Still, my heart has a big mouth.
I am super jazzed to go back the pride land (Read: Green Bay) and spend time with my family doing nothing but watching tv, playing card games i will mostly likely lose, laughing, and eating. i'll do a lot eating.
I could give you a laundry list of things that I'm thankful for that include good health, and family and friends, and living in a beautiful city. While all those things are true, the thing i am MOST thankful for this year is Faithfulness.
Faithfulness? really? Well, yes.
I am thankful that i have a Faithful God. A God who provides. gives me my daily bread, answers prayers and keeps his promise about having big plans for me, who actively pursues my heart every.single.day.
I'm thankful for the faithfulness of my friends. Who even when I've said awful things, or been self-centered, or been a Grade A Drama Queen continue to love me. support me. help me, and tell me the truth. Now, i don't know quite how to articulate how much of a big deal this is, but it is. Being an OC, i have no idea what it is like to have siblings, but through these lovely people i get a sneak peak.
And then there is faithfulness from my family, who is not without flaws, but i doubt I could be loved more fiercely by anyone. They love me in a way that is literally incomprehensible to me. After all the times i've fallen on my face, been home sick, gotten "brilliant ideas" that are short lived, they are still the most supportive people i have ever known. They have taught me how to be a true woman of God.
The faithfulness of my mentors and people in my community who put their faith in me to be a leader/a learner and an active participant. is beautiful. The things i have learned from them because to their faithfulness and diligence have been priceless. The most important think i learn from them every day is how to abide and have strong faith. Gah. i love them.
Apparently, it takes village to make sure this 20-something don't fall apart, and I definitely do not make it easy. I love my village with my entire heart.
That being said, I am thankful for stumbles, and conflicts, and trials because it's through those things that i understand resolution, diligence, hard work, honesty, love and above all, faithfulness.
Friday, November 4, 2011
things that make me smile.
one of my favorite things as of late....
“ May God bless you with discomfort
At easy answers, half-truths, and superficial relationships,
So that you may live deep within your heart.
May God bless you with anger
At injustice, oppression and exploitation of people,
So that you may work for justice, freedom and peace.
May God bless you with tears
To shed for those who suffer pain, rejection, hunger, and war,
So that you may reach out your hand to comfort them
And turn their pain into joy.
And may God bless you with enough foolishness
To believe that you can make a difference in the world,
So that you can do what others claim cannot be done
To bring justice and kindness to all our children and the poor. "
-Franciscan Blessing
“ May God bless you with discomfort
At easy answers, half-truths, and superficial relationships,
So that you may live deep within your heart.
May God bless you with anger
At injustice, oppression and exploitation of people,
So that you may work for justice, freedom and peace.
May God bless you with tears
To shed for those who suffer pain, rejection, hunger, and war,
So that you may reach out your hand to comfort them
And turn their pain into joy.
And may God bless you with enough foolishness
To believe that you can make a difference in the world,
So that you can do what others claim cannot be done
To bring justice and kindness to all our children and the poor. "
-Franciscan Blessing
Monday, October 31, 2011
Yesterday I got lost in the circus, feelin' like such a mess.....
I miss what used to be. I can't help but reminisce.
The way it used to be, is almost never as magical as you think it is. Still, there an innocence and simplicity of "used the be" that always makes you long for it. Wanting to chase it like a balloon floating into the sky. Thinking if i could only grab the string i could hold on to that happiness a little bit longer.
What we rarely realize is "used to be" is just like "now" with slightly different circumstances. We still cry, and hurt, and laugh and dance, but all in a different scene and to a different tune. And, in a short while, we'll be longing for now, and thinking about how lovely it was.
Times change. People change. Places change, yet, my heart feels the same, but my brain keeps telling it to be something different. Be more mature. Be an adult. Get on board with this age thing. Times a wastin'. We aren't getting any younger.
Of course, my heart doesn't listen. It's hanging out on display for all the world to see. It's messy and scared and full and beats with a love that is unrelenting. What does the world see while my heart is on display? A girl who has nothing under control or figured out or nailed down, yet she has a deep desire to love furiously, heal brokenness, and live a life that Jesus can delight in.
Sometimes the scary things get the best of me. Especially when I live for worldly things like being liked, and being needed. Sometime the devil fills my head with lies until i start to believe them. I believe the ugly lies that people always leave, that I'm only good enough for now, that i wont ever figure it out. That ruins everything. I am not me when these lies fill my head.
These lies fester and seep into to everything. It makes me question people. always. People who have done nothing but love, and take care of me, and try to get my head and heart to agree that i am worth all the trouble.
I know God hears me best when i'm on my knees. So here i sit, on my knees with nothing to offer but a heart that beats for a deep faith and desire to be who I am supposed to be. I pray that I have the ability to love without limits, to forgive. To forget, to give grace as freely as i get it.
Sometimes my heart breaks, but i know it's just to understand new truths. I know that hurt means healing, and a scar however small means survival and I've been carried through with strength not my own.
The way it used to be, is almost never as magical as you think it is. Still, there an innocence and simplicity of "used the be" that always makes you long for it. Wanting to chase it like a balloon floating into the sky. Thinking if i could only grab the string i could hold on to that happiness a little bit longer.
What we rarely realize is "used to be" is just like "now" with slightly different circumstances. We still cry, and hurt, and laugh and dance, but all in a different scene and to a different tune. And, in a short while, we'll be longing for now, and thinking about how lovely it was.
Times change. People change. Places change, yet, my heart feels the same, but my brain keeps telling it to be something different. Be more mature. Be an adult. Get on board with this age thing. Times a wastin'. We aren't getting any younger.
Of course, my heart doesn't listen. It's hanging out on display for all the world to see. It's messy and scared and full and beats with a love that is unrelenting. What does the world see while my heart is on display? A girl who has nothing under control or figured out or nailed down, yet she has a deep desire to love furiously, heal brokenness, and live a life that Jesus can delight in.
Sometimes the scary things get the best of me. Especially when I live for worldly things like being liked, and being needed. Sometime the devil fills my head with lies until i start to believe them. I believe the ugly lies that people always leave, that I'm only good enough for now, that i wont ever figure it out. That ruins everything. I am not me when these lies fill my head.
These lies fester and seep into to everything. It makes me question people. always. People who have done nothing but love, and take care of me, and try to get my head and heart to agree that i am worth all the trouble.
I know God hears me best when i'm on my knees. So here i sit, on my knees with nothing to offer but a heart that beats for a deep faith and desire to be who I am supposed to be. I pray that I have the ability to love without limits, to forgive. To forget, to give grace as freely as i get it.
Sometimes my heart breaks, but i know it's just to understand new truths. I know that hurt means healing, and a scar however small means survival and I've been carried through with strength not my own.
Sunday, October 23, 2011
Sacred....,
It wasn't planned: this sacred place.
but it' all started the day everyone went crazy. Somehow, wandering through our days wondering how in the world we'd manage to figure all it out. We found our place.
Stumbled into it, really. We're a clumsy lot. Not really sure how to navigate through our days with much grace and poise. Our fumbling and tripping lead right to our place.
Stumbled into it, really. We're a clumsy lot. Not really sure how to navigate through our days with much grace and poise. Our fumbling and tripping lead right to our place.
It's our "what am I going to do" place, our " I can't believe that happened" place, our " I'm so excited i could burst" place, it's our " let's get our crappy pop music on, and sing " place. It's our "this doesn't leave the car" place.
It's safe place. A warm place. even in the summer. . It keeps our secrets, laughs with us, cries with us, is mad with us. Is along for a ride. It gets us where we need to go.
some of my best memories are in this place. The long drives, the long talks, the endless stream of songs that drip with nostalgia. Lots of laughing and just as much yelling.
It's about spending time there until you feel like yourself again.
It's about getting your keys stuck on a ledge and improvising.
It's about getting the space you need, and being with the people you love.
Somehow we get in, turn the radio way up, and we're good.
It's not much. In fact it looks pretty shabby, and makes funny noises all the time, and the air doesn't work, and there are a few broken knobs but it's been there for the best and worst of times, and it's bonded us in a way nothing else could.
some of my best memories are in this place. The long drives, the long talks, the endless stream of songs that drip with nostalgia. Lots of laughing and just as much yelling.
It's about spending time there until you feel like yourself again.
It's about getting your keys stuck on a ledge and improvising.
It's about getting the space you need, and being with the people you love.
Somehow we get in, turn the radio way up, and we're good.
It's not much. In fact it looks pretty shabby, and makes funny noises all the time, and the air doesn't work, and there are a few broken knobs but it's been there for the best and worst of times, and it's bonded us in a way nothing else could.
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Tell me all your thoughts on God.
There are things in my life that, when I don't fight them, or when I don't think I know everything, make a lot of sense.
Moving to St. Paul, for example, just made sense. To everyone else that's not me, or God, it probably didn't. In fact, i'm pretty sure my whole family thought I have flipped my lid. But there was the feeling in the pit of my stomach that i couldn't shake until i told everyone that i was moving. Then after i was like "hey, no big, i'm just gonna move my whole life to this place where i know 2 people", came this weird peace.
Living with my best friend just made sense. Being involved in things/and a church that try to better the world, just made sense. Getting to know people who seem to keep popping up in my life. Made sense. Wearing a lot of cardigans and liking coffee, just make sense to me. Most importantly, though:
Jesus has always just made sense to me.
Sure, I've had my days of "where are you?" and "this really seems a little crazy" but when shit gets real, the first thing i do is turn to God. Without a second thought. It's a part of my life that i never used to share with people, but it's always been there. This invisible support beam on which I laid/lay everything.
I've decided that I'm pretty sure that's how it's supposed to be. When things just make sense, it's God, just doin' his thing. Sure, it's sometimes scary, and sure sometimes I really don't see any logic behind it, but in the back of my head I know it's what I'm supposed to do. Sometimes, I fight it, then I get all confused and lost and I cry.....because let's face it, I cry a lot. Then i get all "God, tell me what to do!" and he's like "I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO. YOU CRAZY" (but in a loving Jesus-like way) I feel like sometimes when God is trying to deal with me, he uses a lot of hand guestures, and I am almost postive he would like to shake me.
So, what does any of this mean? Well, i'm not sure, exactly. Only that i've been thinking a lot about how i got to this moment in my life, and I can pinpoint specific people and events in my life that are a. increidbly importnat and b. i can remember the feeling of "Duh, Nicole"
And when I follow those feelings everything works out. It's not always the smoothest ride, in fact, a lot of times, i feel like I'm on the Crazy Train Express, but there is this feeling of peace even in the midst of all the uncertainty that reminds me of what I am made to do.
And there are times, when I think I got everything under control that God uses the most unlikely peopel to tell me things i would never listen to otherwise.
Prophetic visions, what? :)
Then I listen, and I pray. I am so thankful that God loves me so much that he actively pursues my heart even when I get to be a little diva and am like "Don't even worry, I got this" when i clearly don't. That he uses people to tell me the truth and remind me of His truth, even when I don't want to listen. I am thankful for Grace that abounds. This kind of love is kinda crazy, kind of overwhelming, but makes EVERYTHING I do worth it.
So, when people see me....do they see Jesus? Well, probably not all the time, but it's something that i aspire to. My faith/relationship with God is no longer something that is just mine. It's not something that i keep a secret for fear of offending people, becuase i dont' think there is anything offensive about Love, Grace, Mercy and Justice. There is nothing offensive about Jesus. There is nothing weak about having a Strong Faith. There is nothing silly about doing what I an called to do.
And that just makes sense.
Moving to St. Paul, for example, just made sense. To everyone else that's not me, or God, it probably didn't. In fact, i'm pretty sure my whole family thought I have flipped my lid. But there was the feeling in the pit of my stomach that i couldn't shake until i told everyone that i was moving. Then after i was like "hey, no big, i'm just gonna move my whole life to this place where i know 2 people", came this weird peace.
Living with my best friend just made sense. Being involved in things/and a church that try to better the world, just made sense. Getting to know people who seem to keep popping up in my life. Made sense. Wearing a lot of cardigans and liking coffee, just make sense to me. Most importantly, though:
Jesus has always just made sense to me.
Sure, I've had my days of "where are you?" and "this really seems a little crazy" but when shit gets real, the first thing i do is turn to God. Without a second thought. It's a part of my life that i never used to share with people, but it's always been there. This invisible support beam on which I laid/lay everything.
I've decided that I'm pretty sure that's how it's supposed to be. When things just make sense, it's God, just doin' his thing. Sure, it's sometimes scary, and sure sometimes I really don't see any logic behind it, but in the back of my head I know it's what I'm supposed to do. Sometimes, I fight it, then I get all confused and lost and I cry.....because let's face it, I cry a lot. Then i get all "God, tell me what to do!" and he's like "I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO. YOU CRAZY" (but in a loving Jesus-like way) I feel like sometimes when God is trying to deal with me, he uses a lot of hand guestures, and I am almost postive he would like to shake me.
So, what does any of this mean? Well, i'm not sure, exactly. Only that i've been thinking a lot about how i got to this moment in my life, and I can pinpoint specific people and events in my life that are a. increidbly importnat and b. i can remember the feeling of "Duh, Nicole"
And when I follow those feelings everything works out. It's not always the smoothest ride, in fact, a lot of times, i feel like I'm on the Crazy Train Express, but there is this feeling of peace even in the midst of all the uncertainty that reminds me of what I am made to do.
And there are times, when I think I got everything under control that God uses the most unlikely peopel to tell me things i would never listen to otherwise.
Prophetic visions, what? :)
Then I listen, and I pray. I am so thankful that God loves me so much that he actively pursues my heart even when I get to be a little diva and am like "Don't even worry, I got this" when i clearly don't. That he uses people to tell me the truth and remind me of His truth, even when I don't want to listen. I am thankful for Grace that abounds. This kind of love is kinda crazy, kind of overwhelming, but makes EVERYTHING I do worth it.
So, when people see me....do they see Jesus? Well, probably not all the time, but it's something that i aspire to. My faith/relationship with God is no longer something that is just mine. It's not something that i keep a secret for fear of offending people, becuase i dont' think there is anything offensive about Love, Grace, Mercy and Justice. There is nothing offensive about Jesus. There is nothing weak about having a Strong Faith. There is nothing silly about doing what I an called to do.
And that just makes sense.
Friday, October 14, 2011
AT least it's the first day of the rest of my life.....
Alright, kids, listen. This is going to be my "birthday" post, and to be honest, i have no idea what that even means.
I feel 27 is worth reflecting on. Now, granted my 27 years have been pretty limited when compared a lot of people, so if you came here looking for anything profound you're probably not going to find it.. Still, i will pretend to bestow my wisdom like the Dali Lama, so sit at my feet, and enjoy the ride.
One of my friends said to me recently, " You know why i love you so much?"
a strange question, no doubt. Especially since she asked while i was laying in her bed doing nothing while she was doing real work. If i were her, i wouldn't have loved me right at the moment.....BUT.... I took her bait. and said "Because you can borrow my clothes? " Obviously, unable to actually have a serious conversation.
After calling me the devil, she said, "because at first you look at calm and put together but after spending like a minute with you, i realized you're just as crazy as the rest of us"
That's my Katie, dropping a whole lot of truth on me while still being crazy and screaming out window at barking dogs, sorting papers, and folding clothes and making me laugh so hard i almost pee. This is a rare, and it's why i'm so so so thankful for her.
And she's right. If there is one thing I've taken to heart in the past couple of years it's that. I am little crazy. I'm little passive aggressive, my feelings get hurt more easily then most, i'm CLUMSY and i have a hole heap of insecurities. I'm a lot of other things too, good things. Like, clean, for example. i'm clean.
Just like everyone else.
Well, shit. It's actually the most beautiful thing in the entire world because THAT is what makes me my very own brand of Crazy. It teaches me a lot, and in 27 years this is what i know.
1. I am nothing with out God. I love Jesus more than anything and that love is the REASON i do anything and everything.
2. I the opposite of perfect. I am still judgmental, and whiney, and petty, and sassy....i have a long way to go, but i'm learning.
3. Relationships matter. SO much. In fact, there are the most important thing. To me, anyway.
4. I am doing what makes me happy, and it really doesn't matter if i get paid for it or not.
5. I have a servant's heart. I just want to help, and to love.
6. For everything there is a season. That's ok. (as much as i HATE when people talk about seasons, it's true)
7. Everything has a resolution. even if it's not what i want it to be.
8. Fall is my favorite season.
9. My best friends are the most amazing people in the entire world and i am so thankful for them
10. I will never be the kind of girl that spends a long time getting ready and staring in the mirror. I like flip flops and dresses, and jeans, and flats and skirts that twirl. I don't know that i would make a good corporate wife.
11. I get flustered when i have to call people i don't know
12. good songs, movies and books make me cry.
13. I cry about once a week about good and bad things, and i need that to happen.
14. I have changed a lot in the last couple of years/ mostly, for the better
15. I still believe in happily ever after
16. i sing so loud when i'm alone in the car, i sometimes annoy myself.
17. I need affirmation.
18. i've found myself in the middle of this beautiful, amazing, dynamic community and i do no want to be anywhere else
19. I want to save the world. and i will. Damn it.
20. I cuss all the time.
21. I hate vacuuming/
22. I love red wine.
23. I am bad at good byes.
24. I allergic to most nature, but freakin' love farmers market flowers
25. it's ok that my dreams are anyone else's.
26. Home is where your heart is, and my heart is in a lot of places
27. I'm bad at getting older, but really good at stayin' alive.
so, i don't know anything that will change the world, or my life really. I do know, that this is the happiest i've been a long, long time. I have a perma-grin and an uncontainable laugh. I know it's because Jesus has my back and i'm livin' for the who makes the moon reflect the sun.....ha. But for real, yo'. The lord provides/
So on wednesday, though i wont be with the people who created me, i will be surrounded by people who love me SOOOO well, and whom i love with my entire heart and then some. That's really all you can ask on your birthday.
10. I will never be the kind of girl that spends a long time getting ready and staring in the mirror. I like flip flops and dresses, and jeans, and flats and skirts that twirl. I don't know that i would make a good corporate wife.
11. I get flustered when i have to call people i don't know
12. good songs, movies and books make me cry.
13. I cry about once a week about good and bad things, and i need that to happen.
14. I have changed a lot in the last couple of years/ mostly, for the better
15. I still believe in happily ever after
16. i sing so loud when i'm alone in the car, i sometimes annoy myself.
17. I need affirmation.
18. i've found myself in the middle of this beautiful, amazing, dynamic community and i do no want to be anywhere else
19. I want to save the world. and i will. Damn it.
20. I cuss all the time.
21. I hate vacuuming/
22. I love red wine.
23. I am bad at good byes.
24. I allergic to most nature, but freakin' love farmers market flowers
25. it's ok that my dreams are anyone else's.
26. Home is where your heart is, and my heart is in a lot of places
27. I'm bad at getting older, but really good at stayin' alive.
so, i don't know anything that will change the world, or my life really. I do know, that this is the happiest i've been a long, long time. I have a perma-grin and an uncontainable laugh. I know it's because Jesus has my back and i'm livin' for the who makes the moon reflect the sun.....ha. But for real, yo'. The lord provides/
So on wednesday, though i wont be with the people who created me, i will be surrounded by people who love me SOOOO well, and whom i love with my entire heart and then some. That's really all you can ask on your birthday.
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
smile, and hope that we can always be this happy.....
Fall brings out the best in me, and i suppose sometimes, the worst.
Mostly, i just love everything right now. The weather, the leaves, the feeling that fall brings. So much beautiful nostalgia i can hardly contain myself.
I love everyone. All the time. My meal group is gonna be rad. Rita is going to kick my ass. I'm so jazzed. I am realizing how much potential i have to do truly great things. Everything feels so possible. EVERYTHING.
I'm especially thankful for all the people in my life that truly love me. seriously. there is nothing like spending the day sorting out clothes, laughing, and talking about nothing to feel like everything is just as it should be.
then watching bridesmaids for the 93rd time, and remembering how glad I am that i have a best friend, and even when she makes me crazy there is no one else in the world who knows me better and can speak to me heart the way only she can.
and somehow everything is just ok because nothing is as bad as it seems and the people that are meant to be around somehow make it work.
And then we go watch snl with one of my favoirte people because being with him makes the world better. and no matter how much everything seems to be dumb, he somehow makes it all better.
always.
and then wego have a sleep over like wer are 11 and laugh, and cry and have the un-necessarily deep moment where we're just really glad everything has worked out.
Then we go to church and feel really loved. and Worship Jesus because nothing works with out him and he's totally got our back and he's brought all these people together to be like him and change the world.
Then we go home lay on the couch, take personality test, eat cookies, and watch the devil wears prada and love every second of this weekend even though we haven't done anything producive.
Here's to an awesome week!
Mostly, i just love everything right now. The weather, the leaves, the feeling that fall brings. So much beautiful nostalgia i can hardly contain myself.
I love everyone. All the time. My meal group is gonna be rad. Rita is going to kick my ass. I'm so jazzed. I am realizing how much potential i have to do truly great things. Everything feels so possible. EVERYTHING.
I'm especially thankful for all the people in my life that truly love me. seriously. there is nothing like spending the day sorting out clothes, laughing, and talking about nothing to feel like everything is just as it should be.
then watching bridesmaids for the 93rd time, and remembering how glad I am that i have a best friend, and even when she makes me crazy there is no one else in the world who knows me better and can speak to me heart the way only she can.
and somehow everything is just ok because nothing is as bad as it seems and the people that are meant to be around somehow make it work.
And then we go watch snl with one of my favoirte people because being with him makes the world better. and no matter how much everything seems to be dumb, he somehow makes it all better.
always.
and then wego have a sleep over like wer are 11 and laugh, and cry and have the un-necessarily deep moment where we're just really glad everything has worked out.
Then we go to church and feel really loved. and Worship Jesus because nothing works with out him and he's totally got our back and he's brought all these people together to be like him and change the world.
Then we go home lay on the couch, take personality test, eat cookies, and watch the devil wears prada and love every second of this weekend even though we haven't done anything producive.
Here's to an awesome week!
Monday, September 19, 2011
she's nobody's girl.....
There is something to be said for belonging to somebody or a group of people. It's like being able to go home no matter where you are. Everyone's lives somehow fit together...like a giant puzzle of love....or at least mutual enjoyment..isn't that what we're all striving for? To belong...somewhere, to something, to somebody...
i'm glad that there are lives that i fit easily into. Like there was a space just for me in their life's little puzzle. And, similarly that my life is just full of lovely people shapes that fit perfectly in my little world, and more spaces waiting to be filled....
and sometimes lying around in sweats watching funny things on the Internet is what we were always meant to do on a rainy sunday.
or eating cheesecake laughing about how we usually don't know what we are doing or what's going on and we always end up laughing at the ridiculousness of the situations we find ourselves in....
or sitting on the floor of a strangers house hearing really good music not being bothered by any looming problems that threaten to undo pieces of our puzzles, scattering pieces everywhere.....
And we can laugh about how much paint we got on ourselves and which one of us is the most clumsy. Then sit and rattle off a play list of memories that are the best reminders of why we love each other so much that we'd be willing to get up extra early on a weekend to do so manual labor. Or pick each other up when our cars are broken., or pick each other up off the floor when everything gets crazy.
Walking around the this beautiful city we've found ourselves in, that sitting on a deck talking about the most random of things, sitting a church pew, or theatre seat together and sharing all of what life throws at us is the secret to happiness.
There is this feeling that comes with fall that everyone's missing pieces will somehow find their homes. That we will all find ourselves in our most comfortably, heart exposing, attire and we'll snuggle up on the couch together with piles of blankets and cups of tea and coffee and just be very glad that we've all found each other and we are able to share this moment.
and say for certain, that though our shapes are all different, some more jagged than others, some rounded and worn, we all fit and belong somewhere wonderful.
i'm glad that there are lives that i fit easily into. Like there was a space just for me in their life's little puzzle. And, similarly that my life is just full of lovely people shapes that fit perfectly in my little world, and more spaces waiting to be filled....
and sometimes lying around in sweats watching funny things on the Internet is what we were always meant to do on a rainy sunday.
or eating cheesecake laughing about how we usually don't know what we are doing or what's going on and we always end up laughing at the ridiculousness of the situations we find ourselves in....
or sitting on the floor of a strangers house hearing really good music not being bothered by any looming problems that threaten to undo pieces of our puzzles, scattering pieces everywhere.....
And we can laugh about how much paint we got on ourselves and which one of us is the most clumsy. Then sit and rattle off a play list of memories that are the best reminders of why we love each other so much that we'd be willing to get up extra early on a weekend to do so manual labor. Or pick each other up when our cars are broken., or pick each other up off the floor when everything gets crazy.
Walking around the this beautiful city we've found ourselves in, that sitting on a deck talking about the most random of things, sitting a church pew, or theatre seat together and sharing all of what life throws at us is the secret to happiness.
There is this feeling that comes with fall that everyone's missing pieces will somehow find their homes. That we will all find ourselves in our most comfortably, heart exposing, attire and we'll snuggle up on the couch together with piles of blankets and cups of tea and coffee and just be very glad that we've all found each other and we are able to share this moment.
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Who i am is not just me.....
Let me tell you a little story about a girl who is in love with Fall.
Fall is like an old friend that you haven't seen for awhile but no matter how long it's been, you always feel this strong connection that nobody knows you in quite the same way.
Somehow the sunsets in fall are more beautiful. The air smells like memories and cinnamon and bonfires. The street lamps and falling leaves tuck you in every night, and sweatshirts and coffee cups greet you in morning.
There is an energy in fall that no other season has. While nature is slowing down and going to sleep, we seem to be more focused, productive and on the go. We run through leaves that make a crunching noise that brings you back to when you were 8 (or in my case 25) and you jumped in huge piles. You would lay in the leaves and watch the clouds and laugh with your friends about all your crazy plans.
Fall is full of picture days, Halloween parties, cider, hay rides, hugs, old friends, traditions, browns, red, oranges , yellows, football, lazy Sundays, leaf piles, scarecrows. and backpacks and school books, and old books with leather bindings whose words will change your life. The smell of life not being all that complicated.
Fall reminds me that i love simple things. That Sunday afternoons watching football and reading a really great book are all i need to be happy. That eating my mom's soup is exactly what i need on a cold day. Going to my grandma's to rake her lawn almost always means good food and conversation to follow, and a hug that's probably the best hug i've had in awhile. That rosey cheeks and red wine are reasons to smile....and people always come back home, and somehow the world just makes sense again.
Welcome, old friend, let's sit and enjoy each other's company for awhile, and remember all the reasons that life is beautiful and full of possibility.
Fall is like an old friend that you haven't seen for awhile but no matter how long it's been, you always feel this strong connection that nobody knows you in quite the same way.
Somehow the sunsets in fall are more beautiful. The air smells like memories and cinnamon and bonfires. The street lamps and falling leaves tuck you in every night, and sweatshirts and coffee cups greet you in morning.
There is an energy in fall that no other season has. While nature is slowing down and going to sleep, we seem to be more focused, productive and on the go. We run through leaves that make a crunching noise that brings you back to when you were 8 (or in my case 25) and you jumped in huge piles. You would lay in the leaves and watch the clouds and laugh with your friends about all your crazy plans.
Fall reminds me that i love simple things. That Sunday afternoons watching football and reading a really great book are all i need to be happy. That eating my mom's soup is exactly what i need on a cold day. Going to my grandma's to rake her lawn almost always means good food and conversation to follow, and a hug that's probably the best hug i've had in awhile. That rosey cheeks and red wine are reasons to smile....and people always come back home, and somehow the world just makes sense again.
Welcome, old friend, let's sit and enjoy each other's company for awhile, and remember all the reasons that life is beautiful and full of possibility.
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
the sum of all my parts....
sometimes the sum of my parts is not exactly what i think it should be.
like i've done the wrong math.
like sometimes, my flaws are greater than or equal to my strengths.
when really, my faults are absolute zero when compared with everyone else.
Because really, insecurity and inperfection are our common denominator.
Sometimes i feel less than, though i know i'm always equal to.
But love makes me greater than all the negatives.
and no matter how you look at it:
you+me=us
us=we
we=love
and, love, is simply always the answer. Doesn't matter how you got there, as long it's your final answer.
like i've done the wrong math.
like sometimes, my flaws are greater than or equal to my strengths.
when really, my faults are absolute zero when compared with everyone else.
Because really, insecurity and inperfection are our common denominator.
Sometimes i feel less than, though i know i'm always equal to.
But love makes me greater than all the negatives.
and no matter how you look at it:
you+me=us
us=we
we=love
and, love, is simply always the answer. Doesn't matter how you got there, as long it's your final answer.
Sunday, August 21, 2011
straight up, wait up, hold up, mr. lover....
I love sundays. They are literally my favorite day of the week. I got to see so many of the people i love. It's like when they are gone for awhile and then they come back everything makes sense again.
and sunday family dinner. I love that Sunday family dinner has been a staple in my life. It's like gettin back to my roots.
I come from a beautiful place of laughing too hard, of smiling without needing a reasons, of sunday lunches and family dinner, of traditions, and red wine, of doing things that are not expected of you, of loving more than you thought was possible. of strong bonds that sometimes need a reminder of how special they are, of dolls and make believe, of colors and snowcones, of sunday morning church, and weekly bubble tea, of title town, and capitol city, of cozy house and old, but lovely apartments, of unconditional love, of mistakes and forgiveness, of leaf piles and snow piles, of lakes and fresh cut grass, from iced tea and morning coffee, of best friends and family. of messy loveliness.
and sunday family dinner. I love that Sunday family dinner has been a staple in my life. It's like gettin back to my roots.
I come from a beautiful place of laughing too hard, of smiling without needing a reasons, of sunday lunches and family dinner, of traditions, and red wine, of doing things that are not expected of you, of loving more than you thought was possible. of strong bonds that sometimes need a reminder of how special they are, of dolls and make believe, of colors and snowcones, of sunday morning church, and weekly bubble tea, of title town, and capitol city, of cozy house and old, but lovely apartments, of unconditional love, of mistakes and forgiveness, of leaf piles and snow piles, of lakes and fresh cut grass, from iced tea and morning coffee, of best friends and family. of messy loveliness.
I have a lot of awesome in my life.
Saturday, July 30, 2011
Everything rides on faith now....
Alright, so long story short. I've had a really great couple of days despite being dirt poor and it being hotter than Haiti, here in sunny St. Paul. I've feel a new wave of inspiration and i feel like i'm really refreshed and ready to take on whatever life throws at me.
Until the end of the year my financial plan is/will be the following:
1. No more new clothes.
2. Only going out if it's a special occasion and/or something else is buying.
3. Pay off one credit card.( this might take longer than til the end of the year)
Ok, so it's only three steps, but i feel like they are doable.
In addition to this new financial plan. I will be looking more diligently for a new job. One with benefits, and regular hours. I'm actually totally ok with this job NOT being a teaching job. I'm just going to apply for whatever looks interesting/anything i could really do.
Going hard core on youth min. I'm writing a mission statement, planning more events, finding away to spend more time with the bible. Small group? we'll see. Yikes.
Totes working on a new drama team thing....it's amazing how i get myself into these things. I mean i'm not so gifted with the writing and/or the acting. All i know is we've had two meetings and my mind is being blown. I'm SO EXCITED for what's to come.
Tomorrow, my roommate's sister is getting married. And by married i mean having a Muslim wedding. This is very exciting. I'm really pumped to be able to go. I've been really blessed by that whole family. I've sort of adopted them as my own family, and i think the feeling is mutual. I'm just really happy for her, and i love her as much as i would love my own older sister.
That's it for now...... man, my life is beautiful.
Until the end of the year my financial plan is/will be the following:
1. No more new clothes.
2. Only going out if it's a special occasion and/or something else is buying.
3. Pay off one credit card.( this might take longer than til the end of the year)
Ok, so it's only three steps, but i feel like they are doable.
In addition to this new financial plan. I will be looking more diligently for a new job. One with benefits, and regular hours. I'm actually totally ok with this job NOT being a teaching job. I'm just going to apply for whatever looks interesting/anything i could really do.
Going hard core on youth min. I'm writing a mission statement, planning more events, finding away to spend more time with the bible. Small group? we'll see. Yikes.
Totes working on a new drama team thing....it's amazing how i get myself into these things. I mean i'm not so gifted with the writing and/or the acting. All i know is we've had two meetings and my mind is being blown. I'm SO EXCITED for what's to come.
Tomorrow, my roommate's sister is getting married. And by married i mean having a Muslim wedding. This is very exciting. I'm really pumped to be able to go. I've been really blessed by that whole family. I've sort of adopted them as my own family, and i think the feeling is mutual. I'm just really happy for her, and i love her as much as i would love my own older sister.
That's it for now...... man, my life is beautiful.
Friday, July 22, 2011
There's such a lot of world to see.....
Ok, so the other day i saw the cutest little moped, It was baby blue with cream trim, and on top of the moped was a blue polka dotted helmet. I'm pretty sure that i need to own one of these. The only thing i can imagine being cuter would be a vintage Schwinn in the same colors with a basket and a bell.
Today, i went to a museum with the children. It was actually pretty cool and watching them go through it was probably the most fun. They all got so excited. I rarely need to be reminded to act like a kid, but i really do think that acting like a kid will keep everyone from going crazy. So, i've compiled a list of things i think everyone should do, i'm pretty sure it would make the world a better place.
1. Laugh.
2. jump in the leaves
3. cry.
4. hug the people you love.
5. hold hands.
6. have a buddy.
7. be honest.
8. twirl.
9. play games. board games.
10. be creative.
11. watch your favorite movie as many times as you want
12. drink milk
13. day dream. regular dream. night dream.
14. get back up when you fall.
15. get dirty.
16. sing loudly, even if you don't know the words.
17. Have Faith. lots of it.
18. swing.
19. Have a best friend you tell everything to.
20. SHARE.
21. help. whenever you can.
22. listen.
23. try new things.
24, say your prayers
25. forgive.
I wish i had a Popsicle right now. that would make my life even better.
Today, i went to a museum with the children. It was actually pretty cool and watching them go through it was probably the most fun. They all got so excited. I rarely need to be reminded to act like a kid, but i really do think that acting like a kid will keep everyone from going crazy. So, i've compiled a list of things i think everyone should do, i'm pretty sure it would make the world a better place.
1. Laugh.
2. jump in the leaves
3. cry.
4. hug the people you love.
5. hold hands.
6. have a buddy.
7. be honest.
8. twirl.
9. play games. board games.
10. be creative.
11. watch your favorite movie as many times as you want
12. drink milk
13. day dream. regular dream. night dream.
14. get back up when you fall.
15. get dirty.
16. sing loudly, even if you don't know the words.
17. Have Faith. lots of it.
18. swing.
19. Have a best friend you tell everything to.
20. SHARE.
21. help. whenever you can.
22. listen.
23. try new things.
24, say your prayers
25. forgive.
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Too many things I haven't done yet, too many sunsets i haven't seen...
whoa. I've been on a technology hiatus for the last 10 days, and to be honest, it hasn't been as hard as i expected it to be.
I will say one thing though, laptops are spendy and if they break, it's kind of a giant pain in the butt.
So what have been doing without my beloved lola (my laptop)....i actually have no idea. I feel like i haven't been doing anything, yet i feel like i've been kind of busy.
I've spent a lot of time lost in day dreams about random things like my wedding, what my future will be like, having a real job....and wondering when (and if) things will ever be less of a struggle.
I'm trying really hard to be thrifty, which is actually really hard for me. I don't have much disposable income, but i convince myself that it's not that big of a deal.
Hello, Nicole. it is a big deal, a VERY big deal. do not spend money you don't have.....whoops. I'm trying to be a lot better about it, especially since i've had to get my car and computer fixed in the last 2 weeks. I'm officially not spending any money i do not have to, which will do a number on my social life (or in theory will kind of rl it, but let's face it, what social life)
Meanwhile, i've spent a lot of time outside which is good for my tan and mood. HEY vitamin d. spent lots a time in the fountains when it was terribly hot out. didn't get arrested. three cheers for not having a criminal record.
I'm also trying to get the ball rolling again on youth min stuff, but i feel very static. It's no ones fault but my own, but i feel kind of stuck.
Prayer walks are do not exist right, which should change, maybe starting tomorrow. i don't NEED to go with Melissa. i can go on my own. I'm really not a great prayer and it is something i do want to work on.
Does anyone else think that lube and condom commercials are among the most ridiculous things that are out there.....i mean, really? this is not me being a prude either because i'm in full support of all those things....they are just so.....stupid. Does that REALLY need air time? i think no....
Not going to see Adele. I'm actually more bummed than is necessary. i will just have to listen to adele radio on pandora until i literally cannot even stand to hear the beginning chords of songs.....
In addition to all the above jibberish, i have ants in my apartment, and i thought i might have pink eye. I'm very lucky to have a mom to call who knows about these things. There's something really great about being able to call your mom. I hope when i'm a mom, i'll be just as in the know, but a little less crazy.
my head is getting fuzzy. too much benadryl. life is happy. it's a sorta fairytale.
I will say one thing though, laptops are spendy and if they break, it's kind of a giant pain in the butt.
So what have been doing without my beloved lola (my laptop)....i actually have no idea. I feel like i haven't been doing anything, yet i feel like i've been kind of busy.
I've spent a lot of time lost in day dreams about random things like my wedding, what my future will be like, having a real job....and wondering when (and if) things will ever be less of a struggle.
I'm trying really hard to be thrifty, which is actually really hard for me. I don't have much disposable income, but i convince myself that it's not that big of a deal.
Hello, Nicole. it is a big deal, a VERY big deal. do not spend money you don't have.....whoops. I'm trying to be a lot better about it, especially since i've had to get my car and computer fixed in the last 2 weeks. I'm officially not spending any money i do not have to, which will do a number on my social life (or in theory will kind of rl it, but let's face it, what social life)
Meanwhile, i've spent a lot of time outside which is good for my tan and mood. HEY vitamin d. spent lots a time in the fountains when it was terribly hot out. didn't get arrested. three cheers for not having a criminal record.
I'm also trying to get the ball rolling again on youth min stuff, but i feel very static. It's no ones fault but my own, but i feel kind of stuck.
Prayer walks are do not exist right, which should change, maybe starting tomorrow. i don't NEED to go with Melissa. i can go on my own. I'm really not a great prayer and it is something i do want to work on.
Does anyone else think that lube and condom commercials are among the most ridiculous things that are out there.....i mean, really? this is not me being a prude either because i'm in full support of all those things....they are just so.....stupid. Does that REALLY need air time? i think no....
Not going to see Adele. I'm actually more bummed than is necessary. i will just have to listen to adele radio on pandora until i literally cannot even stand to hear the beginning chords of songs.....
In addition to all the above jibberish, i have ants in my apartment, and i thought i might have pink eye. I'm very lucky to have a mom to call who knows about these things. There's something really great about being able to call your mom. I hope when i'm a mom, i'll be just as in the know, but a little less crazy.
my head is getting fuzzy. too much benadryl. life is happy. it's a sorta fairytale.
Sunday, July 3, 2011
"therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me
and now a list of things i'm thankful for in no particular order....
1. sunshine
2. good friends who always make me laugh
3. hugs
4. cheesecake
5. swings
6. music
7. Little reminders of how much i'm loved.
8. have a regular coffee/tea place to go to
9. creating things from scratch.
10. making people smile.
11. memories
12. gentle breeze.
13. are and literature
14. having people in my life who know exactly what i mean even when i don't make sense
15. parents who call to just to say hi
16. flowers
17. grass to run around in.
18. Popsicles
19. Grace.
20. Clean sheet day.
21. twirling around in a skirt in my living room
22. laughing so hard my face hurts.
23. the feeling of warm sand
24. sand castles.
25. fluffy clouds
26. smiles.
27. LOVE
my current feelings are best expressed with this photo.....
1. sunshine
2. good friends who always make me laugh
3. hugs
4. cheesecake
5. swings
6. music
7. Little reminders of how much i'm loved.
8. have a regular coffee/tea place to go to
9. creating things from scratch.
10. making people smile.
11. memories
12. gentle breeze.
13. are and literature
14. having people in my life who know exactly what i mean even when i don't make sense
15. parents who call to just to say hi
16. flowers
17. grass to run around in.
18. Popsicles
19. Grace.
20. Clean sheet day.
21. twirling around in a skirt in my living room
22. laughing so hard my face hurts.
23. the feeling of warm sand
24. sand castles.
25. fluffy clouds
26. smiles.
27. LOVE
my current feelings are best expressed with this photo.....
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
yours are the sweetest eyes i've ever seen.....
Sometimes I wish I could take myself out of me and go into....you. Whoever "you" is. Someone who sees me not the way i see myself....or maybe like i see myself, i suppose it depends on the "you."
Would i look like i think i look, or would a different pair of eyes have more grace and see more beauty. Would i, as you, see all my real and perceived imperfections, or would you just see me? What do my spirit and my heart look like to my mom, my best friend, an acquaintance? Do i laugh too loudly, am i too proud, can you see that i'm trying to fake having it all figured out. Maybe if i knew i'm not fooling anyone it would be easier to accept that my life is not my own, and it's all part of a crazy plan that was created before the stars were hung in the sky.
What do my eyes tell you? Because as weird as it sounds, seeing me as you would probably help me see myself more clearly.
Still, seeing me is only a quick snap shot, a freeze frame of my life. Me now is not me in a year or even in 10 minutes, but still i think it would help us love each other more if we could see ourselves the way other people see us. for better or worse.
Most of the time i feel like i'm looking in a fun house mirror, imperfections accentuated, insecurities amplified, truths twisted so much that i barely recognize the person staring back at me.
How did i left myself believe that I'm not perfect the way i am? i have to have more friends, make more money, be more beautiful, be more successful, have more authority.
Especially when the truth is we were made to be more than a title on a door or the number on a pay check. When we let that define us, we let it confine us.
We need to break out, it's our time to shine.
The way we need to see ourselves is the way God sees us. Perfect, precious, and necessary.
We are poetry in a world of slogans.
I'm so profoundly passionate about this because i spent a lot of time with kids who literally have no idea how amazing they are. How capable they are. How the world were literally be different if not for their existence. It so vital that we tell these young people how incredibly beautiful they are, how much they are loved and needed and have a purpose in this world. My heart hurts for all the kids and 20 somethings and 40 somethings who don't know this.....or believe it.
Wow. a calling has never been more clear to me.
Would i look like i think i look, or would a different pair of eyes have more grace and see more beauty. Would i, as you, see all my real and perceived imperfections, or would you just see me? What do my spirit and my heart look like to my mom, my best friend, an acquaintance? Do i laugh too loudly, am i too proud, can you see that i'm trying to fake having it all figured out. Maybe if i knew i'm not fooling anyone it would be easier to accept that my life is not my own, and it's all part of a crazy plan that was created before the stars were hung in the sky.
What do my eyes tell you? Because as weird as it sounds, seeing me as you would probably help me see myself more clearly.
Still, seeing me is only a quick snap shot, a freeze frame of my life. Me now is not me in a year or even in 10 minutes, but still i think it would help us love each other more if we could see ourselves the way other people see us. for better or worse.
Most of the time i feel like i'm looking in a fun house mirror, imperfections accentuated, insecurities amplified, truths twisted so much that i barely recognize the person staring back at me.
How did i left myself believe that I'm not perfect the way i am? i have to have more friends, make more money, be more beautiful, be more successful, have more authority.
Especially when the truth is we were made to be more than a title on a door or the number on a pay check. When we let that define us, we let it confine us.
We need to break out, it's our time to shine.
The way we need to see ourselves is the way God sees us. Perfect, precious, and necessary.
I'm so profoundly passionate about this because i spent a lot of time with kids who literally have no idea how amazing they are. How capable they are. How the world were literally be different if not for their existence. It so vital that we tell these young people how incredibly beautiful they are, how much they are loved and needed and have a purpose in this world. My heart hurts for all the kids and 20 somethings and 40 somethings who don't know this.....or believe it.
Wow. a calling has never been more clear to me.
Friday, June 10, 2011
i'd rather speak honestly and wear a tattered heart on my sleeve....
Let me just start off with a general annoyance: Grocery bags. Grocery bags and just a giant pain in the butt. First, they are getting smaller, and i don't understand why. Also, i really don't understand why they even make bags without handles now, but they do. So you end up standing at the end of the lane while food is getting smashed together on the belt figuring out whether to use the bags without handles or use 1989 bags with handles just causes unneeded stress when packing bags. ugh.
Now that bags are smaller, you need to use more of them, or jam more in a bag which makes it too heavy and causes it to rip and all our things fly everywhere....which then makes you curse to yourself and maybe even out loud which then causes random passersby to look at you. There has to be a more efficient way.
Another annoyance, while we are on the subject. How to survive for the next 4 days on 11 dollars. I'm willing to bet it's not even possible. However, this lack of money allows me to continue on my current anti-social phase, which i find completely annoying. For some reason, i just have no desire to go out/meet new people.
this poses a problem if i ever hope to find a husband. I'm 26, i should be out having fun and leaving the lazying around for when i'm married/pregnant/in my 40's. however, for now i'm completely fine with being a homebody. I hope as the weather gets nicer and there are things to do, i snap out of it.
Also, it's cold out today, which i'm actually really ok with. I'm curled up in a blanket with some coffee and listening to "hometown glory" and "one and only" on repeat being really happy with the fact that i'm here....here meaning sitting on my couch, in st. paul, and going even further to say this "point" in my life.
I have a strange appreciation for simplicity lately, and today is perfect.
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Hello World, Hope you're listening....
So, I've decided with a bit of reluctance that I was going to give this blogging thing a second chance. I am a blog quitter on account of never having anything valuable to say.....errr...nothing that is really that interesting to the general public.
Basically, I'm giving something a try, which for now, has the title "30 day writing challenge" I honestly believe that everyone has a story tell and something valuable to say. Even if today i feel like saying: Sometime I eat popcorn for dinner because it just doesn't make sense to cook for one person.
Whether you agree or not, there is a certain beauty in a statement like that, and a small window into the brain for the person saying it.
Now that school is done, i feel like my brain will turn to mush, which i would like to avoid. Also, i'm going through a bit of separation anxiety with my students. Because let's face it. I have transition issues. I did, however, get to see some of them tonight at a softball game, i literally had NO intention of going to.
I went to see my roommate sing the national anthem, which, ironically, i missed. However, watching those 12 and 13 year old girls get their butts kicked but try so hard anyway was really great to see. It's things like this that remind me how much i love my job, and, how much of my job isn't just teaching them where commas or or how to be an active reader.
Relationships matter. So many things happen/come about when you just talk about life. This is what i'm learning.
I'm also learning, little by little, that who i am is a giant combination of everyone in my life. I'm a little bit of my parents, a little bit of my best friend, a little bit of the family members and a whole lot of God workin' his magic through me.
That is beautiful, and scary. Now, i'm very tired and now even really sure what i'm saying. Also, my legs hurt because i just caught for a random softball game. To bed I go.....I'll leave you with this....
Basically, I'm giving something a try, which for now, has the title "30 day writing challenge" I honestly believe that everyone has a story tell and something valuable to say. Even if today i feel like saying: Sometime I eat popcorn for dinner because it just doesn't make sense to cook for one person.
Whether you agree or not, there is a certain beauty in a statement like that, and a small window into the brain for the person saying it.
Now that school is done, i feel like my brain will turn to mush, which i would like to avoid. Also, i'm going through a bit of separation anxiety with my students. Because let's face it. I have transition issues. I did, however, get to see some of them tonight at a softball game, i literally had NO intention of going to.
I went to see my roommate sing the national anthem, which, ironically, i missed. However, watching those 12 and 13 year old girls get their butts kicked but try so hard anyway was really great to see. It's things like this that remind me how much i love my job, and, how much of my job isn't just teaching them where commas or or how to be an active reader.
Relationships matter. So many things happen/come about when you just talk about life. This is what i'm learning.
I'm also learning, little by little, that who i am is a giant combination of everyone in my life. I'm a little bit of my parents, a little bit of my best friend, a little bit of the family members and a whole lot of God workin' his magic through me.
That is beautiful, and scary. Now, i'm very tired and now even really sure what i'm saying. Also, my legs hurt because i just caught for a random softball game. To bed I go.....I'll leave you with this....
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