Let me be singing when the evening comes....

There are times when I look around and everything feels foreign. Everything. and i wonder what the hell i'm even doing with my life?

But actually.

Then there are times, when you sit in places and drink beer and talk about college, and life before you knew each other, and how its scary to get your first big kid job. And you almost cry. And you plan parties and laugh about having soft hearts, and you show up on a whim wearing leggings knowing that it doesn't even matter. and you talk to your waitress about vacations and nail polish like you're old friends.

And i really like that.

I also really like getting texts from Rita, who just always knows when things aren't awesome and all she says is "I hope your day has turned around" and "wine and chocolate at my house whenever you need it"

and for the love.

How can you ever be disappointed when you have people like that in your life.

Jesus is such a funny little guy.

i can't remember the last time i was on vacation.

i might just say "fuck it" and go to nashville for my birthday  and turn 30 there and do what i want.

and also get "my anchor holds within the veil" with an anchor hanging off the last l tattoo on my body

because the reality is that nobody cares about pinkie swears and sentimental shit the way i do.

Here's to belonging, and being grateful and doing things the way makes sense to you, and being excited that the best is yet to come.

because it will.

let's all be freakin' brave.

THAT ONE TIME I GOT TO MEET MY FAVORITE WRITER  (well, living writer, anyway) BECAUSE I GOT SWEET CONNECTIONS.

i am actually besides myself.

BESIDE MYSELF.

i can't. i have no idea what to wear. or to say. or how i will be anything but a total spaz for the next two weeks.

i need to pull my shit together.

it's a 20 min skype date. and we wont all be in the fame. i'm ridiculous. i'm getting down off the ledge. Getting out of the deep end, you know...calming the eff down.

BUT I'M DYING ABOUT IT.

LISA.IS.MY.GIRL

ALWAYS AND FOREVER. sweet baby j. she makes my life better.

her life is kinda cray right now. Her heart is real big and soft and watching her hurt for other people makes my heart hurt...so just pray for her, cool?

she's the best kind of human, so it's def. prayers well prayed.

i'll do the splits over the gap for that girl, more than just stand in it. If you know me, you know that not a single part of my body is flexible except my thumb. and even that's risky.

BUT ANNIE AND LISA and all God's people said....

my life is crazy cool.

There comes a point when you will exhale

If we're being honest, or, really, if i'm being honest..I hate my body. pretty much everything about it.

 i'm a chubby kid. Always have been. I remember one time my mom asking the doctor if we should be concerned about my weight...i must have been 10? 11? maybe? Old enough to remember and young enough for my mom to be in the exam room with me. I remember my doctor telling me that i was active and strong and as long as i was running and playing and being a normal kid, she shouldn't worry.

and as soon as my mother stopped worrying (which by the way she didn't, she always made mom-ish comments never meant to make me feel bad....just make me aware i'm not a size 4)  Is the minute i started to notice. i started to look in the mirror with judgment. As i got older, I'd silently be sad about it and wondering why i couldn't be different.

i have glasses. My skin ebbs and flows with hissy fits. My butt is big. i have a double chin that i'm convinced is genetic and has always been a part of me. always. always. always.

I'm just big. and my face is round. my cheeks are forever chubby.

And if we're being honest, even when I was most most physically fit. i was still big.

I'm pretty strong. I'll give you that. I have some muscle. i have an athletic build for sure.

but i don't remember a time when i was smaller than a size 14. Ever. I feel like I've been on the verge of an eating disorder my whole life, but thankfully sometime keeps me in check. Jesus. My brain. The people who love me.

I'm funny, because i have to be. Because i'm not pretty not even a little. Don't get me wrong, i like that people think i'm funny. I like funny. I appreciate humor more than most things and i'm smart. and i wouldn't trade those traits to look like Jennifer Aniston or Jessica Beale ever.

i'm the funny best friend side kick. Boys almost never talked to me. Most people mistake my deep insecurity has confidence, because i believe i don't need a boy.

And i do believe that, but i also believe that i might not get one.  i don't need one. i just sometime want one. And the fear of rejection, the fear of someone smaller and prettier and more charming haunts me, like actually

I stare in the mirror and agonize and analyze every roll and lump and look at myself from the side, and most of the time really dislike what i see.

and i have beautiful friends. Like actually it's a little crazy how many beautiful friends i have. i love having pretty friends, but i'd be lying if it didn't make me feel less than sometimes. you know what it feels like to the be the least attractive person in the group? To be the one that somehow ruins photos because of a stupid face that they make? Also...photos make me want to die. holy hell. I can't even.

It gives me anxiety just thinking about it.

Ok, i know, if i hate what i see, why don't i change it? Well, i mean super valid question. I try. and i'm like...active....i just need to be super serious about things. Slash i need to understand that i look how i look. My face wont change. My DNA is my DNA.  I also know i'll never be a size 4. I don't want to be, either.

I just want to like what i see when i look in the mirror. I want my clothes to fit. I want to be healthy, and strong.

I vacillate between wanting to be super girly and wanting to play with the boys. I will always the girl who love dresses but  also loves baseball and rollerblading and can life things, some of which are moderately heavy.

My point? I don't know if i have one. Word vomit in a safe place. I don't i've ever been super honest with anyone that isn't God or my mother about how much i have a terrible bod image, which is directly tied to self worth.

which is disgusting. I sit with my small group of high school girls who are worried about all the same things. I tell them that it will get better, you'll learn to love your body and that they are beautiful.

I am still waiting of that day, too and i'm almost 30. so...who knows when that day will be for me. Maybe never.

I fight the battle every day of seeing myself the way God sees me and the way a very human, very critical me sees myself, and most days i loose the battle.

It's not sad, really, as it is just honest.

Please don't think that i sit around and cry about my body because i don't. At least, not a lot. I can make a joke about it, i deal pretty well, but sometimes it's just the worst.

And trust me, there are big societal pressures pressin' down on me. Under pressure, indeed, and i know they are dumb and not true....but it still doesn't change that fact that the standard of beauty is ingrained in me and i don't fit those standards.

most of the time it's cool. I like being a honey badger, I march proudly the the beat of my own, off beat drum, i do what i want and its fine. But it's still a struggle, you know? And i'd like to think that one day it wont be.

And sometimes, i really like my butt and i look at it in the mirror. I fill out jeans (when they fit) like a boss.

but sometimes i want to wear cute riding boots and cute dresses that don't make me look i'm a circus bear riding a toy bike and a fat guy in a little coat.

I mean seriously.

I'm a work in progress absolutely, 1000% over. I am flawed and broken and honest, and raw and i will fight for you to love yourself but then turn right around and hate myself....but i know that it makes me endearing, it makes me able to have a space to tell a story that someone can relate to, and will listen to. My struggle will preach. My struggle will show jesus. My struggle will makes  someone else's burden lighter. You are not alone girls. I get it. Let's be beautiful together.

And i'm so thankful for the women in my life, my mama has tried so hard to instill all the right things in me and to teach me what true beauty is.

My soul might be beautiful and i hope that people can see that.

Currently I have writer's remorse. I haven't even posted it yet, and already i feel like i've shared too much of the ugly with you. Too much of the crap that i try push out the way all the time.

it's too personal and i don't want you to feel bad for me because i'm not unhappy. I'm not sad. I'm just being real about what 29 years of being this girls has meant.

i have a beautiful life. My life is actually so great and lovely, but we all have something, right? this for sure is mine.

So, can you gain anything form this? Probably not, just that i'm horribly human, and i fake confidence on the regular, and i'm just trying to live a good life and love Jesus the best way i can.

And i really love brownies.

i don't know. Just be nice to each other.

Someone is on your side.....

Lately, nostalgia has been hanging out on my couch, which I don't really mind, I guess. I kind of like when she comes to visit. Every memory, even the not so lovely ones, seem a little sun-kissed. Light and laughter and the memory of struggle and success flood my mind like old Polaroids collaged on a bulletin boards. Each date carefully written in black sharpie. Some corners are bent, and worn from use, others are have only recently been taken out and put on display.

Lately, I've been thinking about last summer and how things have morphed and changed and blossomed since then. I think about Africa, and feeling how present Jesus was. How completely i let people into my life and heart. How so many small things snowballed into life now, as we know it. that summer, when my heart broke all the way open. That summer when the person (people) on the other side of the table believed in me. That summer when i felt the most loved and protected i ever have by people who i do not share chromosomes with. 

We'll talk about that summer as the summer of Africa. We'll remember it so sweetly, and with such care. When we remember it, we'll hold it with two hands because it's extra fragile because when we look at it now, as if looking at an x-ray, that our hearts, all of them, were just out in the open, beating, unprotected. And they all broke. And, i think, that in picking up the pieces, i grabbed some of theirs, so they are now part of me, and i would venture to say the same is true of them....but you'd have to ask them.  i tend to get too attached and i tend to think about things in super poetic ways, so them might not think like that at all. 

As I hang out on memory lane with my old pals, one thing keeps coming to mind: a Bible verse. If you know me at all, you know that i don't think in Bible verses. never have. But for whatever reason, John 13:7 will not go away: Jesus replied, "You don't understand now what I am doing, but someday you will."

As much as I would like to pretend I don't understand this slash sometimes I would rather say "i don't know what's going on in my life" this all makes sense. All of it, which is both annoying and beautiful. Mostly, it's beautiful. What's beginning to make sense is that things happen, and you can choose to see Jesus in them or not. You can choose to feel like a charity case, or you can choose to see how beautiful authentic relationships are. We said "yes's" instead of no's. that matters.

While some things may have run their course, their significance is maintained. Roots need to be established before anything can grow and produce fruit that can sustain people. I think that in being who i need to be for the people in my life, I am learning to be more me. Does that even make sense? i will look back on this and understand what's happening in the here and now so much better, and i'll marvel at how intricately intertwined our lives and stories are, and how none of it is by mistake and none of it is for our glory.

We are all being shaped, and changed, challenged and supported and we are figuring it out together, which is scary and frustrating. sometimes we all need separate corners. room to breathe. time to think. some of it makes sense, and some of it doesn't. someday, though, it will.

And in another year or two when nostalgia comes for a visit. I'll pull out my memories, blow off the dust, and I'll probably be all weepy through my smiles because what I'll see is not myself. Not an exceptional group of people or circumstances, but, instead, I'll see Jesus.

i believe in thing called love.

I haven't made a good list in a long time. Mostly because i haven't had the attention span or the desire to make one.

 But for tonight, for the sake of having nothing else to do, here are some things, i believe in:

1. Saying "i love you" when you drop someone off that you love. You never know when you'll see them again.

2. Eating dinner together. As a family, as a group of friends, as a community. Sitting down to focus on each other is huge. Relationships matter and the time you get to spend with the special ones is always too short.

3. Helping. No offer is too small. A donation, an offer of help, to mow a yard, read a book with a kid, watch a baby. It all counts. It all matters.

4. Having at least one "spill your guts, cryin in front of " friend. You know. Someone you trust with the most fragile parts of you? That. Find one and hold on to her.

5. A go to outfit. A dress. some great jeans a t-shirt. Whatever makes you feel beautiful and good in your skin.

6. A day once in awhile where you don't get out of your jim jams and you drink coffee and watch whatever you want all day...and you don't don't answer the phone.

7. A day every now and again, that you go an adventure in your own city. Go to your favorite stores, grab coffee, find some great antiques. It's real good for your soul.

8. have coffee with your friends.

9. Hug the people you love.

10. Pray every day for other people before yourself.

11.  Make playlists for things like when it's raining, fall, when you're doing work.

12. reading about things you love. things that challenge you. things that break your heart.

13. being a kid sometimes.

14. Laughing. as often and as hard as you can.

15. letting people surprise you and help you and generally love you.

16. I believe in, as much as i can, that god's got me. and you. and he'll take care this world.

17. honoring your word, and your commitments.

18. Find a kid. and love them. pour into them. take them out for coffee. it can literally change the way things work.

My anchor holds within the veil.

It's late-ish, I haven't been sleeping well, so, naturally i'm still up.  The light in my room is still on and i am typing away all the thoughts that are in my head, instead of having visions of sugar plums dancing in them.

If you don't get that, I'm sorry, I cannot help you.

I'm reading a lot lately, which is exactly what I should be doing. i mean, among other things (like sleeping, drinking enough water, eating dinner....ahem...i'll conquer that, tomo, maybe). I read "let's all be brave" In about five minutes and loved every word. Annie Downs is absolutely my soul sister. She gets me and my heart.  This book is not an amazingly deep or anything but it is as charming, and funny and heart grabbing as you'd want something to be. It's beautiful and it makes me want to be brave.

So, obviously i've been thinking a lot about who is brave in my life. Currently, i don't feel brave. I feel comfortable. I want things to just be real chill, I don't want to fall or fail or, worse yet succeed totally. like slam dunk it because then i will be wracked with guilt for not doing it sooner.

i find myself smack dab in the middle of a lot of things. My most favorite friend is 10 years old than i am. i spend my time with people either 10+ years older or 10+ years younger. and i'm just sort of in the middle trying to figure it all out.

But it's kind of a great place to be because i'm surrounded by bravery on all fronts. My sweet 8 year old nick, who because he is so young is trying everything for the first time and is kind of everyone, especially the kids who need a little extra lovin', and in kid world that's a big deal because you get made fun of for being friends with the kid who pees his pants or falls down a lot. He love completely and without hesitation and that is hard and brave and i love every last bit of him.

My high school girls who are fighting the body image, popularity, label war. Bless their hearts they are in the trenches, and trying to figure it all out. They fail a whole bunch, but they keep trying. They are about to go to college, they are about to leave all the comfort of 18 years of lovin' for something brand new. That will change them and challenge them. They'll do it with the regulars to help them.

They are about to become who they'll be. Rad, right? And i get to watch it for as long as God keeps me in it. It's a huge honor to be let in on their lives, to be given room to speak and listen and care. I do not take that lightly, and feel so incredibly blessed to have the opportunity to love these girls through their most formative and confusing years.

Then we have my 10+'s. My best girl is the bravest girl i know. I learn from her all the time. She pushes me and makes me crazy and does things that are born out of nothing but love and integrity. She does it all so selflessly. I don't think she really realizes how much i want to be like her when i "grow up." When i stop and think about all she's done, all shes does and has been through and how she always tries to do the right thing even when she has every right to be mad, and broken and bitter.

she doesn't. That is a big, big deal. also, That time she went to africa, though. She's blazes that trail for me and comes back to help me walk down mine. There will never be enough words of gratitude to express my love or thankfulness. It's funny to think that we are the same kind of different. That of all the people in this world, we've found each other.

The other women at my "table" who eat with me, let me into their lives, have stories that put mine to shame every time. The women who trust me with their kids, and their hearts and their stories.

Again. There are not enough words.

And tonight, as i'm driving home with the scent of summer on my skin, and heart so full of love and awe of how Jesus takes care of us, i was just hit by the importance of this season. I get poured into, i can then pour into my littles.

i'm not lost. I'm home. I'm not wandering, I'm following my heart. I'm not immature. i'm learning and becoming.

I'm not alone. I am deeply, and profoundly loved.

It's this beautiful, torch passing, water pouring, out door table, hand holding, heart tuggin' imagery that makes me weepy. It's where my puzzle pieces fits and my heart feels home. I'm surrounded by beautiful examples of bravery.

"It’s not about age, and it’s not about experience, and it’s not about this looming gap between us. It’s about linking arms as sisters, one a step behind, one a step ahead, all of us marching forward together. Let’s forget the word mentor and focus on friendship. May we embrace, may we invest, and may we accept one another, just as we are."

if this waiting lasts forever, i'm afraid i might let go....

I can't even tell you how much emotion this song stirs up in me. I literally want to cry every time i hear it.

It's on right now, against my better judgement it's on a playlist. It reminds me of sadness but also the overcoming and what Jesus can do in a broken pieces. and that's beautiful. and a reason to sing. Ahem...see what i did there.

This weekend was wonderfully introverted. I don't need it a lot, but sometimes I do need a couple of days alone to recharge.

I slept, i read a whole book, and i cleaned, kinda. I didn't do as much as i wanted to, but weekends are short and there is time to get it all done.

There's a dog that lives here now. He's cute.

also, i hung with teens tonight. Contrary to popular belief, i know what i'm doing with them and if you let me, i'll do a really great job.

I feel like i'm settling into myself again. She got away from me for a bit, but i think we're getting to know each other quite well again.

i'm thankful for that.

You run me down, right restless and wild....

My people are gone this weekend. I'm left to hold down the fort....and i could not be more excited about it.

Im gonna clean all the things and blast the jam and magic eraser shit....but that stuff is the bees knees. like actually.

I'm gonna do my laundry and read and float in the pool and not get out of my pajamas and i might not talk to single soul all weekend, unless my small girls come over...in which case....then i will speak. but we will sit on the couch and watch sex and the city and exist.

Also, i will watch stand by me, and fold and organize.

and also, i'll make a play list that is just songs that remind me of people. It'll be so random and wonderful.

and maybe i'll finally get around to making that inspiration board. and i'll paint my nails.

And it will probably be the best ever.

Today, i stumbled upon a "throw back thursday" playlist on spotify.  Also remember Judging Amy. I LOVED THAT SHOW. and also "any day now" on lifetime.

whatever. i don't want to talk about it.

As if Sportify didn't already occupy a large part of my heart.

Also, Adele 25 is coming out? It there was ever doubt that  Jesus loves us, this proves it.

For the love. I'm giddy and so, so, so, happy.

thanks, Jesus.

Memories for miles and miles....

I'm finding lately, that the simplest things, the most common, everyday things are taking my breath away. A baseball double play, a hug form a kid, a phone call, a sunset, a really great book, best friends, your favorite sweatshirt.

it's all so normal. but it's all so special.

I'm thankful for the every day. For it's constantsy. I'm thankful for it's sweet beauty and simplicity. Thankful that it's all i need.

I love singing in the car, i love being sun-kissed, i love feeling so tired at the end of the day when you've laughed a lot, i love dirty feet and tired bodies. I love sitting around a making plans, and actually doing them.

There is so much I can do, but i don't want to do any of it alone because life is better with company, and its too short to see the ocean by yourself.

I guess I need to find some people who will be willing to plan and dream and build with me.

The smell of summer is thick in my hair tonight. I'm the kind of happy that comes from jumping into the pool and hugging the people you love.

I'm not a toucher, really it's not my love language persay...but there are specific people whose hugs make my world spin on it's axis the right way, and push all the pieces of my heart together.  and the truth is, i haven't hugged those people in awhile. I think sometimes we forget about how simple but how altering a hug can be.and how completely you can feel found when it happens.  But, that is to say, i'm not going to die on that hill.

And i think i've been doing a pretty great job of just loving people and taking care of things lately, but don't quote me on that. You'd have to ask the people around me.

and i don't actually want to know the answer.

but i've been trying. I've been listening and thinking and doing what i think is right. I've been reminding myself that love doesnt keep score and that it doesn't cost anything to be nice.

But right now, in the this very minute of my life. I'm thankful for little boys who love me, and summer nights and worship songs and memories you can pull up and can make you feel the exact what you did when it orginally happened.

I'm in the business of memory making, and the ones lately have been so sweet and dripping with sweetness that i cannot smile any bigger if i tried.

So here's the beautiful weekend, for not having unreasonably expectations, for loving people the best way i know and for letting roll out the way it will.

Because there's nothing i can do about it anyway.

i find myself kneeling by the bed to pray, i haven't done this in a while so i dont know what to say.

Once upon a time. I was real sparkly. Lots of people "loved" me. I did a lot of stuff. I got the chance to run with a lot of things. I got to be on inside of all lot of things.

It built me up.

and then it shattered me.

The rise an fall of the Roman Empire as it were. Murphy's law, etc. i fall hard.

When your hands, and knees and heart are scraped, you don't want to move....because it's hurts, right? Like we're so afraid of bumping a scrape or falling again that we get paralyzed.

Some how the God that was so mighty, and so awesome is somehow smaller because all you gave your heart to, didn't love you back.

and then you're....ahem I....just got stuck. It's easy to be angry. It's easy to shut down. It's easy to push everyone away....and then be angry when no one chases you.  While you sit there as your heart screams for someone to notice you.

it's easy. until it makes you cry a lot. It's easy until it's not.

I'm completely in a season of becoming. It sucks. It sucks even more when you keep God at arms length because you feel like he let you down. I've been walking around in a cloud of anger for a quick minute now.

And it finally go to be too hard. too toxic. Too exhausting. so....my wall kind of fell, and on the other side was the truth of having an incredibly wounded heart, and the truth that i needed to forgive and apologize. Each in their own time.

Both things are super hard and there is no magic formula on how to do any of it, and no one is gonna do it for you.

So, i'm doing a bunch of apologizing and letting people off the hook because they are human and hurting and on a journey as much as i am and we just don't know how to do the life thing right. In apology my heart gets less cold. I remember how much good accompanied the heart break. There was so much laughter. There were incredible moments of  Jesus, there was sweetness in the sour. and i remember and i am thankful.

but we are trying.and i can't get mad about that. My heart is strong and it will find it's missing pieces.

i'm also learning that i can't just go back to doing what i did. I'm different now, my needs and passions have changed a little bit. I've learned and grown and pruned and refined.

So what do i do with that. Well, I understand that my place is simply returning to where i began, but rather embracing the experience, and  counting it important.

My heart is ready for more. Tonight I went back to Nea Mitera and while it's crystal clear that i don't belong there, it's also clear that i need to do something and maybe I need to build it, but i need to plunge my hands in the dirt again. up to my elbow and let God lead me.

I love the urban setting. I understand better than ever before what i believe about being missional and what good, and healthy and effective missions look like.

I know I am called to love and do and my servant's heart is crying out for a space to get started. I just dont know where.

I've been wandering the desert because i've been to afraid to trust God with my heart again. Too afraid that my bottom with drop out. So filled with doubt.

i prayed out loud for the first time in forever, and i didn't know what to say and somehow the words came and i remembered  what its like to trust God. What its like when he's at the center of relationships and when we actually hang out and i let him be apart of my plan.

So i fell off track a little but i believe i can get back on and be better than i was before.

I love my people, even the ones that i was angry at, Kindred spirits don't come along too often and you should do what you can to hold on to them.

Even if it means being humbled and brought to your knees not having words.

i literally feel like a weight has been lifted. That I understand now, what love really, really looks like and that i don't have to guess about it, or doubt it or worry about it.

And as much as it is very Wizard of Oz "you've had the power all a long" I expect everyone else to get me back to who i am. I expect the truth to come in like a wrecking ball form someone else.

But it had to come from me. And i understand that people wont chase me. People aren't going to necessary love me the way i want them to, but they'll love with with all they have.

This is a journey of understanding "enough" and now's a good as time as any to take off running.

Hold on real tight.

My life is made up of equal parts dreamers and do-ers. Dreamers, you know the ones that are wide eyed and slightly air-heady who like to talk about how great things would be, and what amazing work they could, we could, she could do....if only. The that will probably never had real jobs and will read a lot of books just to sound....smart  and that's where it will stay.

I love them, bless their hearts, but they are pretty much useless when it comes to accomplishing anything.

Then i have my do-ers. My get shit done-er. My "make a plan and excute"-eres. The "why is everyone standing around"-ers

I often find myself in both camps. Some days I can dream big with the best of them and other days i'm gettin' it done because someone has to do it.

What I love most about my community of weirdos is how very much "come as you are" "act how it is" we are. How you can just show up and hang out or show up and lose your shit.  There is always grace, there is always words of encouragement and a space safe enough to be the most you. The most raw, the most unfiltered, and the most heart exposing you could ever be.  We can eat great food and binge watch shows and just paint your nails.  its sitting outside throwing a beach ball back and forth and home work and watermelon with salt. it's building walls in the rain and laying in wheelbarrows in the sun. It's just life...or something like it.

This is what community looks like. it's teens who come over just to hang out, and 28 year old come to heal their hearts. it's friday night game nights and late night resume tweaks and slumber parties with 8 year old or your senior girls. It's giving someone a room when they had no where to go. I never thought a house would become such a part of me, but alas i'm wrong again, and really, what else is new, these days? Am i right?

it's making it all work when its easier not to, and finding joy even in the hard places.

it's knowing that my life has changed for the better even though the road seems slow.

It's understand Jesus love a little bit more because we've found a place where are weird is welcome and our hearts fit together like friendship necklaces.

I feel like knowing exactly what will make people laugh is sacred and special and not be the taken lightly. Knowing how to make someone feel loved and important is perhaps our greatest gift and duty. And  wearing someone else's sweat shirt because you're cold  or you need to borrow their strength. It's funny things like that that tether us together in ways that we cannot understand.

You understand divity more when these very human people staring  at you from across the room continually forgive after you've been terrible. It's when they listen for the 39th time about the same thing. It's when they hug you even when you need it and You don't even know you need it.

It's the knowing without having to be told. it's total trust that these people wont break your heart, that they'll carry you when you've fallen.

that's community. that's how we're created to exist, and when you find it, you hold on real tight. for dear life.

There are no words left to say it's true, God gave me you.....

Sometimes i need to go home to re-calibrate. To remember. To not lose my mind. 

Home did that for me this weekend. I love Green Bay and those who still call it home, but mostly i love my family for the way the love me.  We jam packed as much fun into three days as possible. We laughed, we talked,we swam, we drove and moseyed, I ate strawberries until i felt sick and i got to celebrate my dad's birthday with him. 

*to quote annie downs, "when i emote, i emote in runons" * forgive me. 

It was beautiful and so fun and exactly what i needed. 

i needed to go home to feel like myself again and as i drove away from green bay and it faded in my rear view mirror.. my heart twisted because i'm so lucky to have my heart in two places but it's also hard when you can't just mash up all your worlds and they can all exist at the time. 

I also drove through Eau Claire which literally makes my heart skip some beats. It's beautiful and is full to the tippy top of memories and there is no other place like it. 

I'm so blessed and my life is so beautiful and i'm just a happy little camper. 

i'm so tired and just sitting in my bed with a perma grin and tomorrow i'll pull off a really fun trick. 

And i'm so excited to see my people here and to live this life that is full of all the awesome. :) 

i don't know what love' is up to these days but it sure looks like it's hanging around.....

One time at a concert, Tony Lucca once said that his favorite road was the one that lead him home.

And then i died because how beautiful is that?

Tomorrow, i'll get on highway 29 and it will take me to Green Bay. My first love. My first city of any significance.

It will bring me to my family. To back patios and cook outs. To Popsicle and green grass and warm summer winds. I will hug my gma and everyone will be happy and excited but they'll also want to stop time because a weekend just doesn't seem like enough time.

i'll remember being small in my jammies, a sparkler in one hand and popscile in the other waiting for the fireworks to start, surrounded by my family. I'd stare in total awe of the big bursts of light in the air praying that it would never end. When it was over, we'd pile ourselves in the car and listen to great music as we waited to get out of the parking lot.

It would feel like i got to stay up soooooooo late and it would feel like a really special day and these memories would come back to visit whenever July crept up.

Fireworks remind me of family. Fireworks remind me of being a kid. Fireworks remind me that not everything is complicated and that growing up can still have elements of kids like fun.

This weekend, I'll celebrate my dad's birthday. i'll celebrate the man he is and how much he loves me and how he could have been a lot of things but being my dad was his biggest priority.

I'll hang with my mom and grandma and we'll do all kinds of things. I'll probably do some chores, but I will be doing them with the most grateful heart.

The road that leads me home always reminds me of my roots and who i am and i'm always better because of it.

Thank the lord, I am here and now....

One of my favorite things about summer is driving.

Windows down, music up, driving into the sunset, the smell of summer in the air, sun-kissed skin and the day in your rear view mirror. It turns any bad day, into a better one, and great days even more beautiful.

I was crabby all day. I have no idea why. nothing in particular set me off. I just work up disgruntled. I hate that.

It seems to me, that i am the worst version of myself lately. You can ask the people that are close to me, i'm sure they'll agree. it's unpleasant for everyone. it's like my heart is screaming for the people in my life to tell me how much they love me and they just wont. I know that my people love me, but i've been asking them to prove it, and it's just been terrible. I don't know how i can be more needy now that my life is kind of in order, when last summer i was more mellow and the road was way more bumpy.

I was reading old blogs from last year and last year we were all gearing up for Lisa to go to Uganda. I was weepy about the whole thing. My heart was bursting, and so thankful to see such a tangible example of both God's provision and God's power. The whole thing gives me goosebumps and who Lisa is as a person still makes me weep because she's the real deal and she's just such a special little gem to me. Literally thinking about it now, my dumb eyes are welling. i can't help me, i have a soft dramatic heart.

Everything about last summer, though it was full of hard, hard stuff, is etched beautifully in my mind. Blue skies and thankful hearts. We all loved each other super hard and i felt like a belonged somewhere special. Like our hearts had known each other forever. Kindred. Something that worked because Jesus was all over it.

I still believe that's true, but I am struggling to see it and maybe it's because i'm further from God than i have been in awhile. I desperately want to feel the way i did not even a few months ago.  I want to stop hurting the people who done nothing but love me. I want to believe that they think i'm amazing.

Somehow i got caught on up labels and what it means to be family and what having a best friend look like and all of a sudden i lost my damn mind. All of a sudden i second guessed everything and need affirmation from people who's love i never questioned before i tripped.

I want to laugh and talk and create a beautiful memories like we always have. I want to drive into the sunset and dream wild dreams like we always have. The cool thing about Jesus is that even when you're like " nah, i'm good, i don't need you right now"  he never leaves.

Well,  I need him. i need to feel like i'm an important part of something beautiful, again.

So pray for me, k? That would be rad.