http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=By7YgbX3GuA
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QNpm4VRRtgI
Friday, August 30, 2013
Thursday, August 29, 2013
Things you can't tell just by looking at her.....
I'm about the list life today, so I figured I'd just share some randomness with you fools. I haven't had a post of substance in awhile, and this is going to continue to trend.
Cue Usher...... These are my Confession:
1. I'm actually still so sad that Whitney Houston is dead.
2. When i'm really bummin' about life I watch one of two movies "Runway Bride" or "You've Got Mail"
2.5 I watch these two movies every fall, too, Even when i'm sad.
3. I've had my heart broken worse by the people who were my home team than any boyfriend ever has.
4. I sometimes really worry that i'm not going to get married.
5. I have really beautiful friends and that stresses me out more than i'd ever really tell anyone.
6. I have a love/hate relationship with my body. I like my nose and my butt, and that's about it.
7. When people ask "if you could go anywhere on earth where would you go" I can never really think of an answer, even though i've never been anywhere, i'm not DYING to go anywhere either. I'd like to go to a lot of places....but i'm not like dying...you know?
8. i really miss my parents but also they drive me crazy.
9. The tabs on my car are expired. I'm poor. so they stay expired. Whoops.
10. I'm nervous about the fall. and finding a place to land.
11. I still don't know what i want to be when i grow up, and I feel a lot of pressure to know.
12. I don't pray as often as i should. I fall in and out of habits
13. I'm totally convinced I was born in the wrong decade. Grew up loving "Bewitched" and "I love lucy" and "the Andy Griffith Show" and "breakfast and tiffany's" and "white Christmas" and listening to the beatles, and country music.
14. I'm always the funny.chubby.less pretty best friend. lol. I dont' mean that in a self depricating way, either.
15. I am surrounded by the coolest/most loving/amazing humans. regularly.
16. I dont' think i've ever really, really, been in love but i think that's great...it means its coming. :)
17. i like bows, and headbands and dresses that twril, which is a change from 15 year old me.
18. I'm in the middle of a really intense season
19. I feel incredibly hopeful about some of the things on the horizon.
20. Lately, when people ask me what's new. i dont' have any stories of my own to tell, and that only half bothers me....which in turn bothers me....i cannot win.
21. So excited for Parenthood to be on. I can't even.
22. I want to be lorelai gilmore like no one's business.
23. Wicked is coming to the cities soon. I'm losing my mind about it.
24. I really like wearing sweatshirts.
25. I'm really great in other people crisis
26. I am horrified at the thought of failure
27. I wall to wall people on facebook. It is the most annoying thing i do.
28. I like writing but i feel like my brain doesn't come up with enough interesting stuff/i have none life experience/i don't know how to be better.
29. this is the age i'm turning. I'm freaked out about it.
Cue Usher...... These are my Confession:
1. I'm actually still so sad that Whitney Houston is dead.
2. When i'm really bummin' about life I watch one of two movies "Runway Bride" or "You've Got Mail"
2.5 I watch these two movies every fall, too, Even when i'm sad.
3. I've had my heart broken worse by the people who were my home team than any boyfriend ever has.
4. I sometimes really worry that i'm not going to get married.
5. I have really beautiful friends and that stresses me out more than i'd ever really tell anyone.
6. I have a love/hate relationship with my body. I like my nose and my butt, and that's about it.
7. When people ask "if you could go anywhere on earth where would you go" I can never really think of an answer, even though i've never been anywhere, i'm not DYING to go anywhere either. I'd like to go to a lot of places....but i'm not like dying...you know?
8. i really miss my parents but also they drive me crazy.
9. The tabs on my car are expired. I'm poor. so they stay expired. Whoops.
10. I'm nervous about the fall. and finding a place to land.
11. I still don't know what i want to be when i grow up, and I feel a lot of pressure to know.
12. I don't pray as often as i should. I fall in and out of habits
13. I'm totally convinced I was born in the wrong decade. Grew up loving "Bewitched" and "I love lucy" and "the Andy Griffith Show" and "breakfast and tiffany's" and "white Christmas" and listening to the beatles, and country music.
14. I'm always the funny.chubby.less pretty best friend. lol. I dont' mean that in a self depricating way, either.
15. I am surrounded by the coolest/most loving/amazing humans. regularly.
16. I dont' think i've ever really, really, been in love but i think that's great...it means its coming. :)
17. i like bows, and headbands and dresses that twril, which is a change from 15 year old me.
18. I'm in the middle of a really intense season
19. I feel incredibly hopeful about some of the things on the horizon.
20. Lately, when people ask me what's new. i dont' have any stories of my own to tell, and that only half bothers me....which in turn bothers me....i cannot win.
21. So excited for Parenthood to be on. I can't even.
22. I want to be lorelai gilmore like no one's business.
23. Wicked is coming to the cities soon. I'm losing my mind about it.
24. I really like wearing sweatshirts.
25. I'm really great in other people crisis
26. I am horrified at the thought of failure
27. I wall to wall people on facebook. It is the most annoying thing i do.
28. I like writing but i feel like my brain doesn't come up with enough interesting stuff/i have none life experience/i don't know how to be better.
29. this is the age i'm turning. I'm freaked out about it.
Wednesday, August 28, 2013
because i knew you, I have been changed for good....
First goal for the fall:
Adopt some college freshies. Send them love and happy. Pray for them. Build some good relationships. College can be lonely even when you're surrounded by people all the times, so sending them a little something that says "somebody somewhere gives and eff about you and who you're becoming" is pretty neat.
so jazzed. even more jazzed to get to do it with Lisa. We do good Jesus work together and we're almost always on the same page and when we're not. she tells m what page to get on.
So there's one goal and i feel really good about it.
i love back to school. and it also makes me a little sad but mostly everything is happy and the color of sunsets and nostalgia drips from everything.
Adopt some college freshies. Send them love and happy. Pray for them. Build some good relationships. College can be lonely even when you're surrounded by people all the times, so sending them a little something that says "somebody somewhere gives and eff about you and who you're becoming" is pretty neat.
so jazzed. even more jazzed to get to do it with Lisa. We do good Jesus work together and we're almost always on the same page and when we're not. she tells m what page to get on.
So there's one goal and i feel really good about it.
i love back to school. and it also makes me a little sad but mostly everything is happy and the color of sunsets and nostalgia drips from everything.
Tuesday, August 27, 2013
lost in translation....
i don't know how to be in the inbetween, and you'd think at this point, i'd be much better at transition.
Also: The cities and are should have celebrated our 4 year anniversary 2 weeks ago. Many things have happened in 4 years.
Also: The cities and are should have celebrated our 4 year anniversary 2 weeks ago. Many things have happened in 4 years.
I am a little church
“i am a little church(no great cathedral)
far from the splendor and squalor of hurrying cities
--i do not worry if briefer days grow briefest,
i am not sorry when sun and rain make april
my life is the life of the reaper and the sower;
my prayers are prayers of earth's own clumsily striving
(finding and losing and laughing and crying)children
whose any sadness or joy is my grief or my gladness
around me surges a miracle of unceasing
birth and glory and death and resurrection:
over my sleeping self float flaming symbols
of hope,and i wake to a perfect patience of mountains
i am a little church(far from the frantic
world with its rapture and anguish)at peace with nature
--i do not worry if longer nights grow longest;
i am not sorry when silence becomes singing
winter by spring,i lift my diminutive spire to
merciful Him Whose only now is forever:
standing erect in the deathless truth of His presence
(welcoming humbly His light and proudly His darkness)”
i love ee cummings. i love this.
i love you, too, probably.
far from the splendor and squalor of hurrying cities
--i do not worry if briefer days grow briefest,
i am not sorry when sun and rain make april
my life is the life of the reaper and the sower;
my prayers are prayers of earth's own clumsily striving
(finding and losing and laughing and crying)children
whose any sadness or joy is my grief or my gladness
around me surges a miracle of unceasing
birth and glory and death and resurrection:
over my sleeping self float flaming symbols
of hope,and i wake to a perfect patience of mountains
i am a little church(far from the frantic
world with its rapture and anguish)at peace with nature
--i do not worry if longer nights grow longest;
i am not sorry when silence becomes singing
winter by spring,i lift my diminutive spire to
merciful Him Whose only now is forever:
standing erect in the deathless truth of His presence
(welcoming humbly His light and proudly His darkness)”
i love ee cummings. i love this.
i love you, too, probably.
Monday, August 26, 2013
we go together like peanuts and paydays, marley and reggae...
Today is a Monday. It's a billion degrees out and summer is almost over which means real life is about to get super real and my dreams, the big ones and the little ones, HAVE to start turning into action.
Because I have to do something.
But on this day, with both the heaviness of the future on the horizon, snd the goodbye of summer waiting in the wings, I'm so busy living my beautifully regular life that I don't have anything to write about that's not more of the same gushy business about belonging and things making sense when you "let go and let god." As true as all of that is, ain't nobody got time to read more of the same.
Slash lately, I'd rather be with my people than in my own head. They were gone for a week, which to people who are normal, is not a big deal, but I'm not normal and neither is my A-team so a week is a long time...and actually a lot happened. Lots to report on.
and I'd Rather report in person. I'd rather laugh and catch up and problem solve at the kitchen table.
And i hope you have people like that too, who make you want to get out of your own head to hear what's in theirs instead of being on the phone or computer or whatever, you know?
My life is pretty regular with a few extra dramatic flares thrown in for good measure, my cast of people though, they are lovely and anything but ordinary;.
So, i'm just feelin really good about everything. Trying to beat my anxiety of the future with a joyful heart knowing that God's probs got some awesome plans that are about to blow my mind.
And with a spin like that, you can't help but be super jazzed. am i right?
Because I have to do something.
But on this day, with both the heaviness of the future on the horizon, snd the goodbye of summer waiting in the wings, I'm so busy living my beautifully regular life that I don't have anything to write about that's not more of the same gushy business about belonging and things making sense when you "let go and let god." As true as all of that is, ain't nobody got time to read more of the same.
Slash lately, I'd rather be with my people than in my own head. They were gone for a week, which to people who are normal, is not a big deal, but I'm not normal and neither is my A-team so a week is a long time...and actually a lot happened. Lots to report on.
and I'd Rather report in person. I'd rather laugh and catch up and problem solve at the kitchen table.
And i hope you have people like that too, who make you want to get out of your own head to hear what's in theirs instead of being on the phone or computer or whatever, you know?
My life is pretty regular with a few extra dramatic flares thrown in for good measure, my cast of people though, they are lovely and anything but ordinary;.
So, i'm just feelin really good about everything. Trying to beat my anxiety of the future with a joyful heart knowing that God's probs got some awesome plans that are about to blow my mind.
And with a spin like that, you can't help but be super jazzed. am i right?
Sunday, August 25, 2013
this is not the end, this is not the end of us.....
this song. My faves Gungor song.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IJfiXhI5Uiw
And we're about to enter a pretty sad season and it's stilly to be sad about it but everythings about to change....for better or worse.
it's aint pretty when a heart breaks.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IJfiXhI5Uiw
And we're about to enter a pretty sad season and it's stilly to be sad about it but everythings about to change....for better or worse.
it's aint pretty when a heart breaks.
Thursday, August 22, 2013
I hate being a n only child.
dear parents,
Do not make me feel guilty for following my heart when you don't try to understand or know this part of my life. I love you and you're important to me but let me do my thing. You raised me to be independent and now you don't like it. I don't understand, and i guess that's where my stubbonness comes in.
So what do i do now?
Do not make me feel guilty for following my heart when you don't try to understand or know this part of my life. I love you and you're important to me but let me do my thing. You raised me to be independent and now you don't like it. I don't understand, and i guess that's where my stubbonness comes in.
So what do i do now?
Wednesday, August 21, 2013
We'll get lost together, til the light comes pouring through.....
There was a mass exodus of people I love in the last week and a half because they all have lives.
and, me? Well, I'm just really good at holding down the fort.
It actually hasn't been bad at all...except for the broken side mirror and missin' my people a little bit, it's actually been a super cool, beautiful, relaxed time.
First of all, I said good-bye to Emma and Julia, which was hard. One of my friends talks about her heart being "outside of her body" when she talks about her son. I love that. and I kind of understand it, I just released Emma and Ju to the world with no control over what happens to them, and I'm nervous for them, but I also have this deep hope that they will live good lives that they are proud of. Granted, they are not my children. I can't imagine how I will feel about the humans I've actually created, but Emma and Ju are a part of me in a way no one else is, so it was emotional.
Then on Tuesday I got to witness my lindstedts renew their vows after 30 years. Holy cow, i just wept through the whole thing. It was so beautiful. I don't think we celebrate marriage enough. We celebrate weddings, but not marriage, and it's a big deal. Especially because of the hills and valleys and loving someone enough to not completely kill them...to last 30 years growing and changing and fighting and loving...it's just beautiful. Their words were simple and sweet and straight from the heart, and so exactly who both of them are. I know their marriage has been super rocky at times and I'm sure at some point they were both ready to throw in the towel....but they didn't...they fought for there to be an "us" and they continue for fight for that.
And then sitting there, surrounded by family and a few close friends, i was totally overwhelmed that they love me enough to invite me into this inner circle of people who they are totally honest with, whom they love fiercely, and respect. To be honest, i'm still a little shocked that i made the cut, and part of me wants to "buck it" (Lisa words are creeping into my life) because it's a cool kid club, but i can't because i love them and i was so happy to be there. they have built a beautiful network of people. This community is solid and chuck full of history, and they have poured into all of us, and us into them....and at some point i have to stop trying to break up the club and just feel really blessed that i belong somewhere. These people will fight for me, pray for me, and love me. I have never doubted that there is a place for me on the lindstedt couch or at their table, and while we've all had a lot going on and big major super life things happening in the mean time that have cause blurred boundaries and mistakes....i don't think I've ever doubted that their love for me is authentic.
and as someone who needs a ton of affirmation, that's a big deal. And then people left but somehow i'm managed to hang out with Rita and Libby well into the late hours of the night. We talked about life, and Jesus and drank wine and we talked about how wonderfully messy everything is and we each took turns weeping about something,...and i got to sit there and listen to years of wisdom and wit and love pour of these women and i loved every single second of it.
I know how blessed i am, sometimes I just forget. I needed a big strong reminder, and I definitely go it.
Today, i had lunch with Michelle downtown and it was so lovely. She is a good egg. She's funny and has all the wisdom ever and doesn't talk to me like i'm a wandering, lost 20 something, which I appreciate. (i fully recognize that i'm a lost, wandering 20 something, but she lets me vent and dream and doesn't tell me i cant) We laughed and ate really good gluten free hippy Mexican...which was so good. and also....cucumber lemonade is a thing...and i love it. And we talked about Africa and IJM and i loved every second of it. This trip gets me ever time. Not because some of my favorite humans were on it...but because Jesus is so good at jacking everything up in the best ways and making things come together when we think its not possible.
There was just something about being alone this week and realizing that only SOME of my people are gone ( but a significant some) that began to stir up excitement in me about what's to come. For whatever reason i needed to know that while a lot has changed, and I've changed, there are still constants, and I'm still me...just a better, ever evolving version. I am DOING things...which hasn't been happening a lot lately...i don't do much. i haven't made an effort with very many people and i want to change that. Also, i drove right to Crossroads after my love affair with Minneapolis and talked to Tina about 180...chatted with the youth pastor...who seems great...minus being a bear fan...and it looks like I'm going to be able to be the senior girls small group leader.
HOLY SHIT I'M SO EXCITED. I'm good at loving teen agers. I'm going to learn all I can, and make connections and be a rock star...and then maybe someone will just let me work at a church and love Jesus as a career and lifestyle.
I don't wanna talk jobs. yuk. holy cow though, by the grace of god and the a team, i have somehow managed to make it through summer having literally none dollars. Crossroads? maybe. hopefully. I just wish someone would weigh in.
Well, more wins than losses this week. It's all anyone can hope for, right?
Dinner with Matt and Els tomorrow. We'll laugh, and talk about Africa and Gallery and they'll say smart things and i'll just be really glad to be in their company.
All the word vomit ever. I just needed to get all out. This is literally a 12 year olds journal entry and I'm not even sorry about it.
and, me? Well, I'm just really good at holding down the fort.
It actually hasn't been bad at all...except for the broken side mirror and missin' my people a little bit, it's actually been a super cool, beautiful, relaxed time.
First of all, I said good-bye to Emma and Julia, which was hard. One of my friends talks about her heart being "outside of her body" when she talks about her son. I love that. and I kind of understand it, I just released Emma and Ju to the world with no control over what happens to them, and I'm nervous for them, but I also have this deep hope that they will live good lives that they are proud of. Granted, they are not my children. I can't imagine how I will feel about the humans I've actually created, but Emma and Ju are a part of me in a way no one else is, so it was emotional.
Then on Tuesday I got to witness my lindstedts renew their vows after 30 years. Holy cow, i just wept through the whole thing. It was so beautiful. I don't think we celebrate marriage enough. We celebrate weddings, but not marriage, and it's a big deal. Especially because of the hills and valleys and loving someone enough to not completely kill them...to last 30 years growing and changing and fighting and loving...it's just beautiful. Their words were simple and sweet and straight from the heart, and so exactly who both of them are. I know their marriage has been super rocky at times and I'm sure at some point they were both ready to throw in the towel....but they didn't...they fought for there to be an "us" and they continue for fight for that.
And then sitting there, surrounded by family and a few close friends, i was totally overwhelmed that they love me enough to invite me into this inner circle of people who they are totally honest with, whom they love fiercely, and respect. To be honest, i'm still a little shocked that i made the cut, and part of me wants to "buck it" (Lisa words are creeping into my life) because it's a cool kid club, but i can't because i love them and i was so happy to be there. they have built a beautiful network of people. This community is solid and chuck full of history, and they have poured into all of us, and us into them....and at some point i have to stop trying to break up the club and just feel really blessed that i belong somewhere. These people will fight for me, pray for me, and love me. I have never doubted that there is a place for me on the lindstedt couch or at their table, and while we've all had a lot going on and big major super life things happening in the mean time that have cause blurred boundaries and mistakes....i don't think I've ever doubted that their love for me is authentic.
and as someone who needs a ton of affirmation, that's a big deal. And then people left but somehow i'm managed to hang out with Rita and Libby well into the late hours of the night. We talked about life, and Jesus and drank wine and we talked about how wonderfully messy everything is and we each took turns weeping about something,...and i got to sit there and listen to years of wisdom and wit and love pour of these women and i loved every single second of it.
I know how blessed i am, sometimes I just forget. I needed a big strong reminder, and I definitely go it.
Today, i had lunch with Michelle downtown and it was so lovely. She is a good egg. She's funny and has all the wisdom ever and doesn't talk to me like i'm a wandering, lost 20 something, which I appreciate. (i fully recognize that i'm a lost, wandering 20 something, but she lets me vent and dream and doesn't tell me i cant) We laughed and ate really good gluten free hippy Mexican...which was so good. and also....cucumber lemonade is a thing...and i love it. And we talked about Africa and IJM and i loved every second of it. This trip gets me ever time. Not because some of my favorite humans were on it...but because Jesus is so good at jacking everything up in the best ways and making things come together when we think its not possible.
There was just something about being alone this week and realizing that only SOME of my people are gone ( but a significant some) that began to stir up excitement in me about what's to come. For whatever reason i needed to know that while a lot has changed, and I've changed, there are still constants, and I'm still me...just a better, ever evolving version. I am DOING things...which hasn't been happening a lot lately...i don't do much. i haven't made an effort with very many people and i want to change that. Also, i drove right to Crossroads after my love affair with Minneapolis and talked to Tina about 180...chatted with the youth pastor...who seems great...minus being a bear fan...and it looks like I'm going to be able to be the senior girls small group leader.
HOLY SHIT I'M SO EXCITED. I'm good at loving teen agers. I'm going to learn all I can, and make connections and be a rock star...and then maybe someone will just let me work at a church and love Jesus as a career and lifestyle.
I don't wanna talk jobs. yuk. holy cow though, by the grace of god and the a team, i have somehow managed to make it through summer having literally none dollars. Crossroads? maybe. hopefully. I just wish someone would weigh in.
Well, more wins than losses this week. It's all anyone can hope for, right?
Dinner with Matt and Els tomorrow. We'll laugh, and talk about Africa and Gallery and they'll say smart things and i'll just be really glad to be in their company.
All the word vomit ever. I just needed to get all out. This is literally a 12 year olds journal entry and I'm not even sorry about it.
go make your way....
i have many thoughts right now about many things: marriage, teen age girl, fall, etc....it's all coming,..
But right now i'm running around like a crazy trying to get ready for my small group to come over...because that's how i roll....
i had lunch with Michelle in Minneapolis today it was fabulous. She's the best....and i re-fell in love with that city. i still love st. Paul more, but it is a lovely, busy, beautiful place.
anyway...this week, while i've mostly been left to my own devices have been beautiful.
i really like where everything is headed.
fall is coming. i'm starting to get real passionate about life again....it do my best work in the fall. if you don't believe me, stay tuned. :)
ok. let's go spend sometime with my small group.....
But right now i'm running around like a crazy trying to get ready for my small group to come over...because that's how i roll....
i had lunch with Michelle in Minneapolis today it was fabulous. She's the best....and i re-fell in love with that city. i still love st. Paul more, but it is a lovely, busy, beautiful place.
anyway...this week, while i've mostly been left to my own devices have been beautiful.
i really like where everything is headed.
fall is coming. i'm starting to get real passionate about life again....it do my best work in the fall. if you don't believe me, stay tuned. :)
ok. let's go spend sometime with my small group.....
Monday, August 19, 2013
To be loved like a song you remember, even when you've changed.....
I hope everyone is lucky enough to have their own Rita. I cannot tell you how incredibly significant she is in my life.
no words. She gives me peace, and she prays for me and I will always love her for that.
This community of people is full of big, major life things almost all the time as of late. All my circles intersect and sometimes that bothers me because sometimes i feel like there's no safe place to be totally unfiltered but then i look at these beautiful people and how we're tethered together and i don't think it would be as special any other way.
love does not even begin to describe my feelings.
Thank you, Jesus.
no words. She gives me peace, and she prays for me and I will always love her for that.
This community of people is full of big, major life things almost all the time as of late. All my circles intersect and sometimes that bothers me because sometimes i feel like there's no safe place to be totally unfiltered but then i look at these beautiful people and how we're tethered together and i don't think it would be as special any other way.
love does not even begin to describe my feelings.
Thank you, Jesus.
Sunday, August 18, 2013
Well, maybe....
It is certainly not a secret that I have a big old crush on Fall, and while you may think that's weird, I think everyone should be in love with something as simple as Fall.
Tomorrow, I am watching two really big pieces of my heart leave in search of " The Great Perhaps" and while i'm super sad about it, i'm also incredibly excited to see where life takes them. Fall means new beginnings for me, and for them.
While most people make resolutions in January, I make mine in September. I will live and die by the school calendar. So, while the rest of the world is dragging their feet toward September, I'm full out sprinting with open arms, ready to dive right into a giant pile of leaves.
Try and get me to act like an adult, it will not happen. I will corn maze, pumpkin carve, leaf jump, and bake until i cannot see straight. Also, if you see me drinking anything but apple cider or chai for the next 2-3 months, you should be concerned.
And as any good girl with a crush, I've made a play list, a "mixed-tape" if you will, for my beloved Fall. Fall is full of firsts but also chuck full of nostalgia, so on my play list there are may classics. My love for Jazz and bluegrass shows up in full force on this list. I'm gonna give you the short list, the faves of my faves because I believe in sharing. I also think music is a super unique window into someone. If you're wondering, and even if you're not, i'm a lyrics girl. I'm a sucker for beautiful phrased melodies but i'm also into the simplicity of a guitar or piano.
Less is more. almost always. Unless you're talking about cake. Then...no.
ok. So...without further adieu, here's some gems from my "fall love mix"
1. Hey Jude.- Joe Anderson (from across the universe, if you have not seen this movie...just go do it)
2. Golden Slumbers (Ben folds....from I AM SAM. if you haven't seen this movie, i can't even talk to you. WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR)
3. From this Valley- The Civil Wars. they are brilliant. just...download everything.\
4. Turn me on- Nora Jones
5. The only living boy in New York- Simon and Gfunk. for real. classic. lovely. drink tea and listen to it.
6. Into the Mystic- Van Morrison- if anything reminds me of going to college, it's this song
7. Towers- Bon Iver. because i lived in the dorm. i love that he writes about eau claire.
8. Fields of Gold- Eva Cassidy
9. Sunday Kind of Love- Etta James...this is one of my favorite songs of all time
10. Almost Honest.- josh kelly. oh my. his voice.
11. Gravity- Sara Bareilles. this is just beautiful
12. Heartbreak world- Matt Nathanson
13. Amen- Dave Barnes. my fave. of all time. ever.
14. The Heat of Me- Stetson and Cia.. it's just pretty.
15. Anything by allison Kraus
16. That wasn't me.- Brandi Carlile this just is so significant. plus brandi is great.
17. Keep it loose, keep it tight.- Amos lee...it's just the best.
18. Carolina In my Mind- James Taylor...this should need no explanation.
19. Landslide.- Dixie chicks...whatever i love me some FWM, but this version is bomb.com
20. boys of fall. - kenny chesney. whatever. it's good.
21. Diamonds on the Inside/steal my kisses- Ben Harper
22 Falling Slowly- from Once.
ok. so i'm sure you get the picture. My play list is really, really long. But any song that you think would be good for drinking coffee, and reading while wearing scarves and cardigans...and breathing in the air that smells like Cinnamon. that's my jam.
Tomorrow, I am watching two really big pieces of my heart leave in search of " The Great Perhaps" and while i'm super sad about it, i'm also incredibly excited to see where life takes them. Fall means new beginnings for me, and for them.
While most people make resolutions in January, I make mine in September. I will live and die by the school calendar. So, while the rest of the world is dragging their feet toward September, I'm full out sprinting with open arms, ready to dive right into a giant pile of leaves.
Try and get me to act like an adult, it will not happen. I will corn maze, pumpkin carve, leaf jump, and bake until i cannot see straight. Also, if you see me drinking anything but apple cider or chai for the next 2-3 months, you should be concerned.
And as any good girl with a crush, I've made a play list, a "mixed-tape" if you will, for my beloved Fall. Fall is full of firsts but also chuck full of nostalgia, so on my play list there are may classics. My love for Jazz and bluegrass shows up in full force on this list. I'm gonna give you the short list, the faves of my faves because I believe in sharing. I also think music is a super unique window into someone. If you're wondering, and even if you're not, i'm a lyrics girl. I'm a sucker for beautiful phrased melodies but i'm also into the simplicity of a guitar or piano.
Less is more. almost always. Unless you're talking about cake. Then...no.
ok. So...without further adieu, here's some gems from my "fall love mix"
1. Hey Jude.- Joe Anderson (from across the universe, if you have not seen this movie...just go do it)
2. Golden Slumbers (Ben folds....from I AM SAM. if you haven't seen this movie, i can't even talk to you. WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR)
3. From this Valley- The Civil Wars. they are brilliant. just...download everything.\
4. Turn me on- Nora Jones
5. The only living boy in New York- Simon and Gfunk. for real. classic. lovely. drink tea and listen to it.
6. Into the Mystic- Van Morrison- if anything reminds me of going to college, it's this song
7. Towers- Bon Iver. because i lived in the dorm. i love that he writes about eau claire.
8. Fields of Gold- Eva Cassidy
9. Sunday Kind of Love- Etta James...this is one of my favorite songs of all time
10. Almost Honest.- josh kelly. oh my. his voice.
11. Gravity- Sara Bareilles. this is just beautiful
12. Heartbreak world- Matt Nathanson
13. Amen- Dave Barnes. my fave. of all time. ever.
14. The Heat of Me- Stetson and Cia.. it's just pretty.
15. Anything by allison Kraus
16. That wasn't me.- Brandi Carlile this just is so significant. plus brandi is great.
17. Keep it loose, keep it tight.- Amos lee...it's just the best.
18. Carolina In my Mind- James Taylor...this should need no explanation.
19. Landslide.- Dixie chicks...whatever i love me some FWM, but this version is bomb.com
20. boys of fall. - kenny chesney. whatever. it's good.
21. Diamonds on the Inside/steal my kisses- Ben Harper
22 Falling Slowly- from Once.
ok. so i'm sure you get the picture. My play list is really, really long. But any song that you think would be good for drinking coffee, and reading while wearing scarves and cardigans...and breathing in the air that smells like Cinnamon. that's my jam.
Saturday, August 17, 2013
The New Normal....
last year at this time, i was house sitting for my people.
and we were practically strangers.
Now, a year later, I live here and they're just a part of me and it's normal.
and they just left for a week, and i'm gonna miss them.
so...i'd say a lot can happen in a year's time.
and we were practically strangers.
Now, a year later, I live here and they're just a part of me and it's normal.
and they just left for a week, and i'm gonna miss them.
so...i'd say a lot can happen in a year's time.
Wednesday, August 14, 2013
Dancing like we're made of starlight.....
I like complaining. Mostly, i like complaining about things that aren't really all that important, however, i wouldn't necessarily classify myself as a negative person. Although, I'm not really sure what other people say about me, so I could have a completely false idea of myself.
I'm well aware that complaining can get old. and annoying and it'll probably make you want to punch me a couple hundred times. so I'm trying to do things a little differently. Mostly because sometimes God puts people in my life that ask questions like: "what are you doing this?" or "how do you think Jesus feels about how do you that"
ok. well. shit.
And they are right. I don't like to have mirrors, but i need 'em. So, thus begins my "joyful heart experiment." Originally i was like...oh, well, I'll just do everything with a smile...then everyone will think everything is great.
Unfortunately, you can read me like a book and just a smile wasn't foolin' anyone. I knew it, and everyone else did too. So I'm trying to spin the way I look at circumstances. I try to feel good about the fact that people have enough trust and confidence in me to let me lead things...or trust me enough to make sure their houses don't burn down, and their animals and kids stay alive.
all of that is actually a super big deal and incredible responsibility. So...hold the phone...attitude adjustment. Instead of complaining, i need to feel...thankful, blessed,....whatever that i get to take care of people's most important things, or a community of people, or a tiny baby church trying to make it....not that i have anything to do with the success or failure of any of it...but, you know what imean....right? I don't think i'm super important but i know i have a role to play.
trying to see fewer things as a burden and more of a blessing and seeing obligations as opportunities....ok, i know that was lame and cliche but it's true...
Rita says a lot "you may be the only bible some people ever read" so if i have a bad attitude....that translates bad for Jesus. Slash...Lisa keeps telling me what i do here and now matters...and i don't understand what the means about heaven...if Jesus is going to have a real long talk with me? or if i'm going to have to do a lot of fixing when i die....but i do know that i WANT what i do here to matter but in good way. I dont' want a divine scolding....and i'm kidding about that...but i am serious about doing good and doing it for the right reasons.
Jesus doesn't have a bad attitude and so i don't want people to think that Christians complain, or have a bad attitude.
So, I'm trying to adjust. but i still really love complaining, and sometimes i want to punch people.
yeah, so, maybe i need to keep praying about it.
I'll tell you what though, the more i try to do things with a joyful heart, the happier my heart is, so it's worth the work.
i also just want everyone to know, I'm on day....4 of this situation...I'm sure there's much more to come....
I'm well aware that complaining can get old. and annoying and it'll probably make you want to punch me a couple hundred times. so I'm trying to do things a little differently. Mostly because sometimes God puts people in my life that ask questions like: "what are you doing this?" or "how do you think Jesus feels about how do you that"
ok. well. shit.
And they are right. I don't like to have mirrors, but i need 'em. So, thus begins my "joyful heart experiment." Originally i was like...oh, well, I'll just do everything with a smile...then everyone will think everything is great.
Unfortunately, you can read me like a book and just a smile wasn't foolin' anyone. I knew it, and everyone else did too. So I'm trying to spin the way I look at circumstances. I try to feel good about the fact that people have enough trust and confidence in me to let me lead things...or trust me enough to make sure their houses don't burn down, and their animals and kids stay alive.
all of that is actually a super big deal and incredible responsibility. So...hold the phone...attitude adjustment. Instead of complaining, i need to feel...thankful, blessed,....whatever that i get to take care of people's most important things, or a community of people, or a tiny baby church trying to make it....not that i have anything to do with the success or failure of any of it...but, you know what imean....right? I don't think i'm super important but i know i have a role to play.
trying to see fewer things as a burden and more of a blessing and seeing obligations as opportunities....ok, i know that was lame and cliche but it's true...
Rita says a lot "you may be the only bible some people ever read" so if i have a bad attitude....that translates bad for Jesus. Slash...Lisa keeps telling me what i do here and now matters...and i don't understand what the means about heaven...if Jesus is going to have a real long talk with me? or if i'm going to have to do a lot of fixing when i die....but i do know that i WANT what i do here to matter but in good way. I dont' want a divine scolding....and i'm kidding about that...but i am serious about doing good and doing it for the right reasons.
Jesus doesn't have a bad attitude and so i don't want people to think that Christians complain, or have a bad attitude.
So, I'm trying to adjust. but i still really love complaining, and sometimes i want to punch people.
yeah, so, maybe i need to keep praying about it.
I'll tell you what though, the more i try to do things with a joyful heart, the happier my heart is, so it's worth the work.
i also just want everyone to know, I'm on day....4 of this situation...I'm sure there's much more to come....
Monday, August 12, 2013
Fall if my favorite friend.....
Let me tell you a little story about a girl who is in love with Fall.
Fall is like an old friend that you haven't seen for awhile but no matter how long it's been, you always feel this strong connection that nobody knows you in quite the same way. You belong to fall.
fall makes you believe that you can go home no matter where you are. Everyone's lives somehow fit together...like a giant puzzle of love....or at least mutual enjoyment..isn't that what we're all striving for? To belong...somewhere, to something, to somebody...
i'm glad that there are lives that i fit easily into. Like there was a space just for me in their life's little puzzle. And, similarly that my life is just full of lovely people shapes that fit perfectly in my little world, and more spaces waiting to be filled....
There is this feeling that comes with fall that everyone's missing pieces will somehow find their homes. That we will all find ourselves in our most comfortably, heart exposing, attire and we'll snuggle up on the couch together with piles of blankets and cups of tea and coffee and just be very glad that we've all found each other and we are able to share this moment.
and say for certain, that though our shapes are all different, some more jagged than others, some rounded and worn, we all fit and belong somewhere wonderful.
Somehow the sunsets in fall are more beautiful. The air smells like memories and cinnamon and bonfires. The street lamps and falling leaves tuck you in every night, and sweatshirts and coffee cups greet you in morning.
There is an energy in fall that no other season has. While nature is slowing down and going to sleep, we seem to be more focused, productive and on the go. We run through leaves that make a crunching noise that brings you back to when you were 8 (or in my case 27) and you jumped in huge piles. You would lay in the leaves and watch the clouds and laugh with your friends about all your crazy plans.
Fall is full of picture days, Halloween parties, cider, hay rides, hugs, old friends, traditions, browns, red, oranges , yellows, football, lazy Sundays, leaf piles, scarecrows. and backpacks and school books, and old books with leather bindings whose words will change your life. The smell of life not being all that complicated.
Fall reminds me that i love simple things. That Sunday afternoons watching football and reading a really great book are all i need to be happy. That eating my mom's soup is exactly what i need on a cold day. Going to my grandma's to rake her lawn almost always means good food and conversation to follow, and a hug that's probably the best hug i've had in awhile. That rosey cheeks and red wine are reasons to smile....and people always come back home, and somehow the world just makes sense again.
Welcome, old friend, let's sit and enjoy each other's company for awhile, and remember all the reasons that life is beautiful and full of possibility.
Fall is like an old friend that you haven't seen for awhile but no matter how long it's been, you always feel this strong connection that nobody knows you in quite the same way. You belong to fall.
fall makes you believe that you can go home no matter where you are. Everyone's lives somehow fit together...like a giant puzzle of love....or at least mutual enjoyment..isn't that what we're all striving for? To belong...somewhere, to something, to somebody...
i'm glad that there are lives that i fit easily into. Like there was a space just for me in their life's little puzzle. And, similarly that my life is just full of lovely people shapes that fit perfectly in my little world, and more spaces waiting to be filled....
There is this feeling that comes with fall that everyone's missing pieces will somehow find their homes. That we will all find ourselves in our most comfortably, heart exposing, attire and we'll snuggle up on the couch together with piles of blankets and cups of tea and coffee and just be very glad that we've all found each other and we are able to share this moment.
and say for certain, that though our shapes are all different, some more jagged than others, some rounded and worn, we all fit and belong somewhere wonderful.
Somehow the sunsets in fall are more beautiful. The air smells like memories and cinnamon and bonfires. The street lamps and falling leaves tuck you in every night, and sweatshirts and coffee cups greet you in morning.
There is an energy in fall that no other season has. While nature is slowing down and going to sleep, we seem to be more focused, productive and on the go. We run through leaves that make a crunching noise that brings you back to when you were 8 (or in my case 27) and you jumped in huge piles. You would lay in the leaves and watch the clouds and laugh with your friends about all your crazy plans.
Fall reminds me that i love simple things. That Sunday afternoons watching football and reading a really great book are all i need to be happy. That eating my mom's soup is exactly what i need on a cold day. Going to my grandma's to rake her lawn almost always means good food and conversation to follow, and a hug that's probably the best hug i've had in awhile. That rosey cheeks and red wine are reasons to smile....and people always come back home, and somehow the world just makes sense again.
Welcome, old friend, let's sit and enjoy each other's company for awhile, and remember all the reasons that life is beautiful and full of possibility.
Sunday, August 11, 2013
where ever we are is home....
I just want you to know, I've started this post over about 6 times, the words just aren't coming out, but I feel them brewing.
Right now, if you really want to know, the only thing that is swimming around in my head is how lucky I feel to be loved by my people. Who make truth telling less scary, and let me get all passionate and rabbit trail-y and go off on tangents, who patiently listen over, and over, and over, and then quietly point me towards the right direction...and only sometimes give me the "i told you so" face.
It just feels like such a huge win. And then when i start to get weepy about all of it, like because I'm so convinced that this is what Jesus meant by loving each other. I think if there's one thing we're doing right is breaking down the walls and being real and being who we are for better or worse.
Right now, if you really want to know, the only thing that is swimming around in my head is how lucky I feel to be loved by my people. Who make truth telling less scary, and let me get all passionate and rabbit trail-y and go off on tangents, who patiently listen over, and over, and over, and then quietly point me towards the right direction...and only sometimes give me the "i told you so" face.
It just feels like such a huge win. And then when i start to get weepy about all of it, like because I'm so convinced that this is what Jesus meant by loving each other. I think if there's one thing we're doing right is breaking down the walls and being real and being who we are for better or worse.
Saturday, August 10, 2013
every day i fight a war against the mirror.....
So, I decided that probably wasn't fair to just say..."today, i feel insecure" and call it a day. I haven't wrapped my mind around all of it so it's difficult to know exactly where to start.
I tend to pretend to dole out sage advice sometimes and I find myself saying "just start somewhere." A lot, actually. So, I, too, need to start somewhere, and as disjointed and...rabbit trail-y as this might be, you're getting a pretty decent look into my heart.
Which i feel completely anxious about, even if you no one ever reads this...it's still out in space somewhere....with the potential to be read.
Ok. so the truth. I'm feel out of sorts for a couple of reasons and I even think i know why, so basically i can be my own therapist so that's fun, and you know...cheap.
As a half time extrovert, i crave community and people. As a people pleaser i crave affirmation. As a human, i want it to be authentic. and as a crazy fool, i never allow myself to believe that it's real. I have no idea where that comes from, but there it is.
My need to belong is strong, and i feel looking at this rationally, i belong most in the space I'm in now. I feel completely comfortable and loved. For this first time in 28 years my value doesn't come from other people's words, which is beautiful and I'm sure just as Jesus intended it. Rationally, I'm very blessed and super thankful. I know this is my actually reality which is why the following is going to be the dumbest thing you've probably ever read.
irrationally....i feel like I'm taking advantage of beautiful hearts and people. I'm a mess and some how i can unable to clean it up myself....so my mess is oozing into others peoples lives. Like i live with beautiful, wonderful, amazing people who dont' make me pay rent, even though they could absolutely use the money...and i swear once I'm a real person, I'll give them everything i have.....
and i feel horribly guilty about it, and that makes me feel like I'm a huge burden. and it makes me worried that they'll eventually hate me. because in my irrational brain. People don't tell the truth and wont protect me. and people always quit when I've served my purpose.
and I'm only good enough for the in between time, the transition from here to there.
Then there was the whole leadership conference which solidified that a. I've been lead by some pretty crappy leaders. 2. i could be a decent leader if i had something to lead. I wont lead anything because I'm paralyzed with all this irrational fear...and it's ridiculous. I need to do something. The pressure to do something is for sure being felt....you know, like you'd feel a nail in your head....and i need to have a plan and i need to do things quickly.
and i wanna change the world but i feel like i don't have the ability to do it because I'm not good enough. gross. for real. aren't i too old for that ? The answer is yes.
Yesterday someone said you can't love other people well if there is no self love...but i do feel like i love other people well....while not loving myself enough.
I realize it's ridiculous, but today those feelings have gotten the best of me. But words make worlds and sometimes lies win, but just for the day.
i'm sure its super exhausting for anyone who knows me to love me and be in community with me because one day i'm like "everyone is beautiful and lovely and what am amazing world we live in" and the next day i'm like "i'm worthless." i'd get really sick of it. i do get sick of it.
tomorrow. i'll tell you about how beautiful words are....but today all the shitty ones are shoving their way to the front. elbowing the truth out of the way to be noticed.
Well, i noticed. and i'm kind of over it. So. I'm praying about it, because i believe jesus wants more from me, i'm not going to win the "good enough war" alone.
so...yeah. tomorrow will be better.
I tend to pretend to dole out sage advice sometimes and I find myself saying "just start somewhere." A lot, actually. So, I, too, need to start somewhere, and as disjointed and...rabbit trail-y as this might be, you're getting a pretty decent look into my heart.
Which i feel completely anxious about, even if you no one ever reads this...it's still out in space somewhere....with the potential to be read.
Ok. so the truth. I'm feel out of sorts for a couple of reasons and I even think i know why, so basically i can be my own therapist so that's fun, and you know...cheap.
As a half time extrovert, i crave community and people. As a people pleaser i crave affirmation. As a human, i want it to be authentic. and as a crazy fool, i never allow myself to believe that it's real. I have no idea where that comes from, but there it is.
My need to belong is strong, and i feel looking at this rationally, i belong most in the space I'm in now. I feel completely comfortable and loved. For this first time in 28 years my value doesn't come from other people's words, which is beautiful and I'm sure just as Jesus intended it. Rationally, I'm very blessed and super thankful. I know this is my actually reality which is why the following is going to be the dumbest thing you've probably ever read.
irrationally....i feel like I'm taking advantage of beautiful hearts and people. I'm a mess and some how i can unable to clean it up myself....so my mess is oozing into others peoples lives. Like i live with beautiful, wonderful, amazing people who dont' make me pay rent, even though they could absolutely use the money...and i swear once I'm a real person, I'll give them everything i have.....
and i feel horribly guilty about it, and that makes me feel like I'm a huge burden. and it makes me worried that they'll eventually hate me. because in my irrational brain. People don't tell the truth and wont protect me. and people always quit when I've served my purpose.
and I'm only good enough for the in between time, the transition from here to there.
Then there was the whole leadership conference which solidified that a. I've been lead by some pretty crappy leaders. 2. i could be a decent leader if i had something to lead. I wont lead anything because I'm paralyzed with all this irrational fear...and it's ridiculous. I need to do something. The pressure to do something is for sure being felt....you know, like you'd feel a nail in your head....and i need to have a plan and i need to do things quickly.
and i wanna change the world but i feel like i don't have the ability to do it because I'm not good enough. gross. for real. aren't i too old for that ? The answer is yes.
Yesterday someone said you can't love other people well if there is no self love...but i do feel like i love other people well....while not loving myself enough.
I realize it's ridiculous, but today those feelings have gotten the best of me. But words make worlds and sometimes lies win, but just for the day.
i'm sure its super exhausting for anyone who knows me to love me and be in community with me because one day i'm like "everyone is beautiful and lovely and what am amazing world we live in" and the next day i'm like "i'm worthless." i'd get really sick of it. i do get sick of it.
tomorrow. i'll tell you about how beautiful words are....but today all the shitty ones are shoving their way to the front. elbowing the truth out of the way to be noticed.
Well, i noticed. and i'm kind of over it. So. I'm praying about it, because i believe jesus wants more from me, i'm not going to win the "good enough war" alone.
so...yeah. tomorrow will be better.
You aint seen nothin' like me yet....
Today I'm just a giant ball of insecurities, self doubt and uncertainty. It was prompted by nothing except all the ideas of the amazing things I could be doing but I'm not.
so i'm stuck in neutral. and feelin' pretty crummy about it.
so i'm stuck in neutral. and feelin' pretty crummy about it.
Friday, August 9, 2013
Words worth repeating....
Words make me giddy. They fall out of my mouth too quickly, most of the time. Too often getting tripped up on my tongue because my heart moves faster then the rest of my body.
My heart and head are both at max capacity....but i have something to say about words, bravery, and belonging.
it's brewing in me, and because i believe these are important topics, I'm waiting for the right words, and when they come, they'll come like a flood.
And feeling and emotion will wash over the page with such ferocity, but the words will be simple and enough.
I was just at a leadership summit the last two days, which much like Jonah, has made me come completely unglued, in the best ways.
My heart and head are both at max capacity....but i have something to say about words, bravery, and belonging.
it's brewing in me, and because i believe these are important topics, I'm waiting for the right words, and when they come, they'll come like a flood.
And feeling and emotion will wash over the page with such ferocity, but the words will be simple and enough.
I was just at a leadership summit the last two days, which much like Jonah, has made me come completely unglued, in the best ways.
Thursday, August 8, 2013
it smells like fall....
The air is cool. It smells like the start of something magical, and the beginning of the most beatuiful deaths the world has ever seen.
i'm ready. Fall has a lot to teach me, and I think i'm ready to learn.
i'm ready. Fall has a lot to teach me, and I think i'm ready to learn.
Tuesday, August 6, 2013
You may say i'm a dreamer....
I look in the mirror a lot. I'm not vain, at all. It comes from a place of insecurity but I'm starting to really like my butt.
Which means I'm feelin' pretty good in my skin, which is kind of a big deal. So I'm celebrating that today.
Today I'm fixing my resume a little, making lists and having a pinterest party with some 7 year old. We're making tissue paper flowers. The whole thing makes my heart so happy.
I have some 18 year old girls who are about to go to college coming over in the next few days. My job is primarily to listen to them, to what their life is like, to what they're nervous about and what they're hopeful for.
The first act of love is listening, and that's exactly what these girls need. Someone to love them and listen to them. Someone that they can spill their guts to who wont yell or freak out, but someone who will also tell the truth and guide them when need be. If there is anything I've learned about teenagers, is that this is NOT about you, even a little. So you gotta get rid of any agenda or sermon you're preparing. It's about them 1000% and every kid is different.
Which is why I think sometimes we're doing everything so wrong. So sometimes i want to build a space that looks like a home. Where there are rooms with comfy couches to take naps, or read or study or chat.... (kids need sleep and safe places), and kitchen to cook with each other, talk about the day, and do homework....multi tasking at its finest and most important.
I just think the kitchen is where good convo happens. so it's should be big and open and welcoming. There is so much to be shared over a meal and the preparing of a meal. The experience of learning how to make something, how to chop and slice and cook and bake...and sharing stories about family and recipes and whatever else snowballs off of that...
and maybe there is a space with i don't know...laptops or ipads or other technology to work on projects and homework and create things and maybe a room for art. and prayer but i also recognize that prayer is probably super scary and weird for teenagers who are just trying to figure out what they think about everything.
and really, they should be able to "explore" and "search for meaning" where ever they want. If we we love like Jesus with out preaching or lecturing them all the time...they'll start to understand love...and really, i think that's what most important anyway.
love changes everything. how you see yourself, and others and what you do with your life, and how your treat other people.
and i believe in my heart that if we give kids a place to exist and be who they are in this moment, and give them the space to ask questions and make mistakes that they will start to get what love means and looks like.
And maybe i'm wrong, but i dream of the day when i can make this happen because the young people in my life inspire me to build something different for them, to "cast a new vision" and what youth ministry looks like.
Where i'm standing in the gap for them, i'm being intentional with what i say and do with them. That i can breed a spirit of service in them...so they can pay it forward and love harder and better than they ever have.
But...it all starts with creating that safe space where they can just walk through the door whenever without calling and know that someone will be there to ...just...be there with them and love them and to encourage them and be mirrors for them so show them how to love themselves.
i'm all about breaking down insecurity and walls and fears that prevent me from getting to the heart.
That's where my heart is. not that you asked or cared...and my thoughts are scattered as i've had some coffee. I dream big dreams with coffee.
Which means I'm feelin' pretty good in my skin, which is kind of a big deal. So I'm celebrating that today.
Today I'm fixing my resume a little, making lists and having a pinterest party with some 7 year old. We're making tissue paper flowers. The whole thing makes my heart so happy.
I have some 18 year old girls who are about to go to college coming over in the next few days. My job is primarily to listen to them, to what their life is like, to what they're nervous about and what they're hopeful for.
The first act of love is listening, and that's exactly what these girls need. Someone to love them and listen to them. Someone that they can spill their guts to who wont yell or freak out, but someone who will also tell the truth and guide them when need be. If there is anything I've learned about teenagers, is that this is NOT about you, even a little. So you gotta get rid of any agenda or sermon you're preparing. It's about them 1000% and every kid is different.
Which is why I think sometimes we're doing everything so wrong. So sometimes i want to build a space that looks like a home. Where there are rooms with comfy couches to take naps, or read or study or chat.... (kids need sleep and safe places), and kitchen to cook with each other, talk about the day, and do homework....multi tasking at its finest and most important.
I just think the kitchen is where good convo happens. so it's should be big and open and welcoming. There is so much to be shared over a meal and the preparing of a meal. The experience of learning how to make something, how to chop and slice and cook and bake...and sharing stories about family and recipes and whatever else snowballs off of that...
and maybe there is a space with i don't know...laptops or ipads or other technology to work on projects and homework and create things and maybe a room for art. and prayer but i also recognize that prayer is probably super scary and weird for teenagers who are just trying to figure out what they think about everything.
and really, they should be able to "explore" and "search for meaning" where ever they want. If we we love like Jesus with out preaching or lecturing them all the time...they'll start to understand love...and really, i think that's what most important anyway.
love changes everything. how you see yourself, and others and what you do with your life, and how your treat other people.
and i believe in my heart that if we give kids a place to exist and be who they are in this moment, and give them the space to ask questions and make mistakes that they will start to get what love means and looks like.
And maybe i'm wrong, but i dream of the day when i can make this happen because the young people in my life inspire me to build something different for them, to "cast a new vision" and what youth ministry looks like.
Where i'm standing in the gap for them, i'm being intentional with what i say and do with them. That i can breed a spirit of service in them...so they can pay it forward and love harder and better than they ever have.
But...it all starts with creating that safe space where they can just walk through the door whenever without calling and know that someone will be there to ...just...be there with them and love them and to encourage them and be mirrors for them so show them how to love themselves.
i'm all about breaking down insecurity and walls and fears that prevent me from getting to the heart.
That's where my heart is. not that you asked or cared...and my thoughts are scattered as i've had some coffee. I dream big dreams with coffee.
Monday, August 5, 2013
rainy days and monday's always get me down.....
i've just watched a lot of "New Girl" and my only question is why haven't I been watching this forever.
I woke up super early today. I'm not real excited about it. I haven't been sleeping well and i don't even know why, which is annoying.
ok. my plan to be a real human again starts....maybe today but for sure tomorrow.
new girl, though. it's so good.
also, "Speak Love" comes out soon. Annie Downs and i are soul mates. and also Shauna Niequist.
my big plans for today include buggin' renlund so the boys can have some lisa lovin'.
oh, lisa's home. from Africa. so glad she's home. I can't wait to hear all the things. I'm trying to be cool and chill but i have cocker spaniel tendencies so mostly i just want to crawl into bed with her and make her start talking.
i'm over invested. it's fine.
I woke up super early today. I'm not real excited about it. I haven't been sleeping well and i don't even know why, which is annoying.
ok. my plan to be a real human again starts....maybe today but for sure tomorrow.
new girl, though. it's so good.
also, "Speak Love" comes out soon. Annie Downs and i are soul mates. and also Shauna Niequist.
my big plans for today include buggin' renlund so the boys can have some lisa lovin'.
oh, lisa's home. from Africa. so glad she's home. I can't wait to hear all the things. I'm trying to be cool and chill but i have cocker spaniel tendencies so mostly i just want to crawl into bed with her and make her start talking.
i'm over invested. it's fine.
Sunday, August 4, 2013
I only said it 'cause i mean it, i only mean it cause it's true....
Ok, i'm sorry. I didn't really mean to turn this blog into a bunch of prayer requests, but you'll have to hang in there for just one more...
Two things:
My people are home from Uganda. All safe and no more worse for the ware. BUT pray for their transition back into "regular life". Pray that they're not too overwhelmed, that they process what they've been through with each other and the people they love. That the people they love give lots of grace and understanding as they adjust. Pray for the right words to explain all that has happened and all God has done and continues to do in this group of women, in Uganda, and in each of their hearts.
We are so thankful they are home safe, now even more work begins. These women are incredible, and we're just so blessed to know them and to be changed by them.
and also while we're on the topic.
Brad, the pastor of my little baby church, and a the head of the family that hold such a huge place in my heart...is also teaming up with IJM on the Freedom Bike Tour. He'll ride his bike from Seattle to Portland to raise awareness for Human Trafficking. This man's heart is big, and his faith is incredible. So lift him up, too.
I'm surrounded by really amazing, inspiring people, who make me fall more in love with Jesus all the time. I'm so super thankful and blessed.
Two things:
My people are home from Uganda. All safe and no more worse for the ware. BUT pray for their transition back into "regular life". Pray that they're not too overwhelmed, that they process what they've been through with each other and the people they love. That the people they love give lots of grace and understanding as they adjust. Pray for the right words to explain all that has happened and all God has done and continues to do in this group of women, in Uganda, and in each of their hearts.
We are so thankful they are home safe, now even more work begins. These women are incredible, and we're just so blessed to know them and to be changed by them.
and also while we're on the topic.
Brad, the pastor of my little baby church, and a the head of the family that hold such a huge place in my heart...is also teaming up with IJM on the Freedom Bike Tour. He'll ride his bike from Seattle to Portland to raise awareness for Human Trafficking. This man's heart is big, and his faith is incredible. So lift him up, too.
I'm surrounded by really amazing, inspiring people, who make me fall more in love with Jesus all the time. I'm so super thankful and blessed.
Saturday, August 3, 2013
I'll be the flattered fool....
sometimes you need to stay up late with an 18 year old girl who is freaking out about life to show her that people do love her.
And when you're 18 and you feel like you've got no one and you're about to go to college and no one has helped you walk through this...it's scary. and then there are the tears...i can't say no to that.
i have to get up in 5 hours, but i'm pretty sure this is more important.
i don't know why i don't have siblings. I would be a super great sister and a really great aunt.
i'm just saying.
And when you're 18 and you feel like you've got no one and you're about to go to college and no one has helped you walk through this...it's scary. and then there are the tears...i can't say no to that.
i have to get up in 5 hours, but i'm pretty sure this is more important.
i don't know why i don't have siblings. I would be a super great sister and a really great aunt.
i'm just saying.
public servcie announcment:
I have no idea what i'm doing. Most days I can't tell if i'm supposed to follow someone else's lead or stick my neck out and lead something.
I can't ever decide.
I do know because i had to spend my "fun" money on my stupid negative bank account
i will be applying for all the jobs ever, every day until something happens.
because i have to do something.
I just wish 'something" involved working with the people i love doing Jesus stuff.
i think "something" might mean working at starbucks.
i'm too old for this shit.
yet most days i don't feel like a grown up.
mostly because not one part of my life resembles being a grown up.
Im grump today. 10 days is too long to go without lisa, it's cloudy, and i have to be up at the ass crack of dawn tomorrow.
for the love.
i'm the biggest idiot ever.
here's to being more of an adult and puttin' on the big girl pants.
pray about it. I'll need it.
I can't ever decide.
I do know because i had to spend my "fun" money on my stupid negative bank account
i will be applying for all the jobs ever, every day until something happens.
because i have to do something.
I just wish 'something" involved working with the people i love doing Jesus stuff.
i think "something" might mean working at starbucks.
i'm too old for this shit.
yet most days i don't feel like a grown up.
mostly because not one part of my life resembles being a grown up.
Im grump today. 10 days is too long to go without lisa, it's cloudy, and i have to be up at the ass crack of dawn tomorrow.
for the love.
i'm the biggest idiot ever.
here's to being more of an adult and puttin' on the big girl pants.
pray about it. I'll need it.
Uganda update. They finished their project. My people are on their way home, with new stories to tell, and hearts more broken for Jesus and his people.
I cannot wait to hear all their stories, hug them, laugh with them and cry with them.
My people are coming home, the widows of Uganda will see Justice from now until Jesus comes back, and everyone at home has prayed more, thought about justice more in the last 10 days than they have in a long time.
Everything about that is beautiful.
Seek Justice, love mercy, walk humbly, indeed.
I cannot wait to hear all their stories, hug them, laugh with them and cry with them.
My people are coming home, the widows of Uganda will see Justice from now until Jesus comes back, and everyone at home has prayed more, thought about justice more in the last 10 days than they have in a long time.
Everything about that is beautiful.
Seek Justice, love mercy, walk humbly, indeed.
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