sometimes things are actually so frustrating.....

you can not "organize" family dinner without me. i am the creator and namer of  "family dinner"

everyone's the worst.

not really.  but for real...you can't do that without me.

what do you do with a girl like Melissa ? 

well, that's what i'm trying to figure out.  I don't understand why things work out like they do. At all. Ever.

thanks, post secret/

give me faith to trust what you say....

this is in my head today. Timely, to say the least. :)

Jesus is cool.

ask me how hard this makes me laugh....

I know, i know. Anchors and the wizard of oz. I have a problem.

I guess i just have to trust, on the days i'm crawling, this is my calling....

I get confused when i try to protect my heart because my heart say one thing and my brain says another. 

i'm been butting heads a lot with the one person i don't ever want to butt heads with, and i don't know why that's happening, but i could venture a guess. 

I also get confused about when to speak into peoples lives and when to not....which again i'm sure is some sort of glaring boundary issue.

I also continue to think that we all will love each other with the same intensity when that could be more wrong.

Sometimes i feel like i'm standing on the edge of change again and  i fight it because i dont have the energy to pull myself up my the boot straps again. 

I feel like a big old reject as of late. 

i don't know what happened and why people don't love me like they used to and why i haven't won some people over. 

I start wondering what's wrong with me and if i'm doing something wrong and it makes me head hurt. 

I've also realize again how hard it is for me to forgive, and I'm still struggling to see God in lots of spaces. 

On top of that, apparently, i owe the government money which i did not know about, so that's real uncool. 

I left on friday for a camp retreat really excited for all that was going to unfold. I came back trying to figure out what's wrong with me. 

But, my senior girls, they're amazing and i my heart is so full of love for them i could burst. 

I've cried a lot today. 

Today the world kind of succeeded in making me feel real small and insignificant. 

one is the loneliest number, indeed. 

I cried a lot today, which is always cleansing and annoying. And i called my mom. It's days like these when you need your best friend and your mom. 

I'm 0 for 2.. 

Today, i feel small. Tomorrow, i'll figure out how to sort my thoughts out, how to say what i need to say and i'll be fully prepared to move mountains. 

But today, my heart hurts. 

And i'm just being honest.  

who can say, if i've been changed for the better.....

this.is.magic.

i'm watching movies about best friends because i'm fragile and ridiculous.

for the love.

I can't wait for tomorrow to be here.

sometimes i just cry about things.

and it has to happen for tomorrow to be better.

yolo

Thanking God for the A-team, and how our cute, weird little world works together to make us all better and remind us what love looks like.

Happy Valentines Day, indeed.

Couldn't love them more if i tried.

 So many words get lost. They leave the mouth and lose their courage, wandering aimlessly until they are swept into the gutter like dead leaves.

Yes. this. so much. yes.

"I think I trust too much and believe that people are always going to love me as deeply as I love them. It doesn’t always work out that way, which means that sometimes I am left with the question that haunts us all:

“Was it worth it?” - Angie Smith 

an open letter to an open year

You have been a big year already. So many moments have happened in our short time together that feel like they are shaping my world in really profound ways, so I wanted to write you a letter about how I feel about you. And since you are a year, you probably won't write back, so i wont be sad about it. .

We've made some hard decisions together already as well that are about growth and surrender, and you have helped me commit to being someone who looks to the future while feeling so very grateful for the past. Thank you for that.

I feel optimistic about you. I'm inspired by the promises of walking with my head up into new and uncharted territory ,discovering all the ways the winter settles into this place…recoiling and contracting in all the ways that makes it the perfect launch pad for the blooming of almost anything.

I have a lot of questions, but I know you'll supply the answers in your time, and in the hardest way possible, because that's how we roll. You take your time with answers, i fall on my face a lot. 

You've pushed me to a new level of honesty with the people i care about it. i just ask that you also equip me with the the tact to know when to keep my mouth shut and when to speak up. 

I have some big plans for this year that don't include losing my shit...so if you could keep the cluster to a minimum that would be amazing. 

SERIOUSLY.

let's go to nashville and dream big dreams.

and start a revolution. Something big. Something we can be proud of. Something that lights us up.

Prone to Wander, Lord, I feel it, Prone to leave the God I love....

I love Jesus, I do. a lot.

I work at a church. I swear. I drink too much sometimes. Sometimes i'm a bitch. Sometimes i judge. I think that more often than not, Jesus would be disappointed in me. No, i don't think i'm the "standard" suburban church goer. I read Hatmaker blogs. I got to leadership conferences, I listen to podcasts and read lots of books. I volunteer. I've read shane claiborne and loved it.  I believe in intentional community and feeding the poor and caring for oprhans and widows. I think Mark Discoll is full of shit.

I don't devo on the regular, I don't really like small groups. I tend to go to church and decide whether a service was good or not based on the worship set and the language used to flush out Bible verses.

On second thought, maybe i am just like everyone else...

See, here's the deal: I don't like to admit it, but my faith ebbs and flows as often as the tides come in and out, and right now, we're at a low tide.

My problem is not with Jesus or the Bible. I feel like my heart breaks for the right stuff and I really do try to love people well and  love them like Jesus. And I believe that the Bible is truth, and that one day everything will be restored.

and even though, i know and understand grace, sometimes it's hard to believe that it's extended to me as much as it's extended to....really shitty people.

or at least people who are shitty in a different way than i am.

Right now, the church (little c)  is just a strange little concept. Mostly because i've been hurt by the church. Well, to be more specific, people in the church. I get annoyed with how we word things, and how services are set up and that we put a lot of pressure on stupid things like announcements, and that being on stage is a big effing deal and that people manipulate situations to get up there, and that in the church where we should be held to a higher standard, we are very "every man for himself" kind of people. And....when i was most on fire for God, most into my faith, the people who were walking along side of me were losing their shit right along with me.

And what i thought was a Jesus centered community and loving sacrificially was really just super horrible boundaries and deep desire to feel needed and loved.  So basically we are all on a sinking ship trying to empty out of the water with buckets....I just had two buckets...one for other people and their shit, and one for mine....but my bucket for my stuff was teeny tiny.

Enter the cool kid club, which completely wrecked me. I turned into what i thought was a better version of myself that turned out to be lie, and it took losing everything i was comfortable with to undo the shitty cool kid I became.

And then people who i loved (still do) and respected and counted on for wisdom and guidance turned out, to my surprise, to be broken, human, and real.

So what do you do when those "falls from grace" end up shattering you, too?

How do you speak truth and love well, and give grace when the exact thoughts in your head are anything but kind and jesus like.

When all you can think of  is "After all i've done, and all i've sacrificed, you turn out to be not what you promised and you've hurt me in the process"

 If you're thinking, "wow, that sounds like it's all about you" You'd be right. it is all about me, at least right now. but what i'm trying to figure out is how to get past it.

How to not see how they've hurt me, but see their brokenness and understand that they were doing the best they could. that they were hurting and confused and broken. I don't know how to not be angry about how hurt i feel. I don't know how to not resent all the affirmation i never got, I don't know how to forgive them for not caring that i got burned out and i was sad and I didn't know where God was in any of  it.

My heart is selfish right now because my heart is wounded. I want it to heal, but i'm not sure how God's going to redeem any of this. I feel like i've lost a lot, there are glimpses of Jesus here and there in people and in provision, but big picture? I have no idea what story this is telling.

i don't know that people will look at this and see Jesus. I don't feel like this tells a story about restoration or relationships or anything really other than a bunch of people who love Jesus trying to do something big but failing miserably.

I don't really feel Jesus in church (little c) right now. I don't feel him, and that's a problem. I haven't been moved to action in the longest time. i see church as a machine right now, a formula of songs, and slides and message notes.

i see Jesus more in people. In their conduct when they keep getting knocked down. In adoptions, and grief, and gap standing and in 8 year olds who want to just spend time with you.

i used to be wrecked by messages. Remember when Jonah came in like wrecking ball? Remember the sermon on the mount? Brad preaching through Matthew in general?

I miss that. I miss sundays being my favorite. i miss being inspired and doing jesus like stuff.

i know this is all on me. The bible is no less inspiring than it once was. I know that it's up to me to do the work.

I kind of just don't know where to start.

I guess the silver lining in all of it, is after the ebb there is always a flow. There will be a new season when i'm on fire again.

I can feel the kindling This weekend at church, there were some cool world vision and cov people around. They talked about the bible "bleeding justice" and  loving the poor and as my heart broke for all of the people who live with out basic necessities,tears began to roll down by face.

We are talking ugly crying.

Jesus is in the mess even when i can see it, and he'll grab my heart and squeeze it until it softens again and he'll push me to action.

Because that's who i want to be. i'll get there...it's just a lot of baby steps.

Dang. I love my Lisa. She's pretty incredible. She's got a heart like jesus. Now. i'm gonna go watch her kill it on that stage. And teach those dumb boys a thing or two about integrity and missions and Jesus.

I'm actually so proud of her. She's my absolute favorite.

Seriously.

choosing to love people over telling them what's up is hard.

sometimes i don't know how much longer i can keep this shit up.

#stillnotsurewhentotalkandwhennotto

I want to see this movie. It' comes out on Valentines day to stream. it just looks so sweet.

if you can hear me, i could use you right about now....

Sometimes it shocks me that i need to tell people that what they're doing affects other people and not in great ways, and then i end up having to keep my mouth shut for awhile.

Sometimes it surprises me how selfish people are.

but sometimes people show up at work with lunch and hugs and you didn't know it was going to happen.

Sometimes you get anxiety about seeing people who you used to love but are not just reminders of who you were once.

Sometimes i'm surprised by people in the best ways.

Sometimes i make pinterest boards of people holding hands.

You know i feel about hand holding. It's my favorite.

Sometimes i listen to Dave Barnes on  repeat. "Amen" is still my favorite song. ever. ever. ever.

Soon i'll write something more profound but not today.

Everyone should buy Golden Days. and also Ben Rector's The Walking in Between.

it's amazing. I'll make you a copy.

Well it's not mine....but it is home.

I'm learning quickly that just because you work at a church...doesn't mean you aspire to be like Jesus.

I'm learning that watching someone you love get hurt, is almost worse than having it happen to you because all you want to do is transfer their pain to you, so they don't have to be sad.

I'm learning that i suck at forgiving people who have hurt me, or have hurt people i care deeply about, even if i love the person whose done the hurting.

I'm not super great at letting people off the hook.

I'm wondering when to speak into situations......mostly i've kept my mouth shut....but i don't know if that's gonna work.

i'm sleepy. i'm not in my own bed and today is yet another day of people being disappointing, but also learning how deep my loyalty runs.

i'll cut a bitch.

out of the darkness and into the sun.

shauna does it again, puts arranges the words in exactly the right way.

I believed, all those months ago, that if I walked away from some things—things I thought I really wanted, things that people told me were very important, things that would signal success or happiness or whatever—I believed that if I walked away, in exchange for those things, I would recover my own self. I would, possibly, with hard work, re-discover that silly, warm person. And it’s working.

And then you caught flame like wildfire.....

i've been listening to mostly ben rector, dave barnes, and lana del rey..

wildfire is amazeballz.

except when i pause to listen to frozen. idina. i can't even.

i like that she has chubby arms. i read a whole article about how she's real insecure about them.

i can relate.

right now, i'm watching the original voices of the disney princess sing their song...as real women.

i'm completely freaked out.

but also in awe.

also....

i JUST WANT TO DRINK.

a lot.

 three cheers for honesty.

well I have a shit ton in my brain to process.

people are dumb and Winter Whiteout is actually going to suck ass i will be alone with all the awkward leaders. Cool. Baptism by awkward.