On being single and being in the church....

Lindsey Nobles just recently wrote a piece on being single in the Church.  I really like her, and respect her and think she has good and valuable things to say. You can find her blog, here.

I agree with a lot of what she says, but there are some things I don't think are the church's fault. I think the single stigma goes deeper. It goes the to heart of American culture.

Here are some facts: Jesus was single. The disciples were single. They spent their adult lives in community with each other, helping people, learning, and being together, which begs the question, why does everyone feel bad for the single person?

Why does it feel like everyone is married and you're not? Why does it make you feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with you because you're not seriously dating someone, or dating at all? Why does it feel like the only option is to find someone online?

I feel like the answer goes deeper than the church. It's because our culture, our society values marriage as part of a successful life.  The good job, the nice house, the whole point of having these things is to share it....presumably  a spouse.

But what if we're missing the point kinda? What if we are just supposed to share our stuff with the people we love? Married, single, somewhere in between.

Please hear me when I say that I think marriage is a beautiful thing, a gift from God. Something I hope to have in my lifetime. The idea of having a partner to hang out for always is lovely. I know marriage is hard, and it's an every day work, and it's more than just dinner parties and cute couple cards. It's bills and merging totally separate lives into one...it's a lot of work.

I'd be lying if i didn't fancy a Jesus loving boy who would kiss me on the forehead and grab my hand when i'm walking and be an amazing dad to the kids i want to have.

of course i want that. But I do want that desire to define me or consume me. Because I think we all need each other. I think single people help married people as much as the married help the singles. I think that we spent more time being in it together....it would matter less what the martial status is.

But this country? its built on this isolation, boot straps, everyone for himself thing. Which is kind of the exact opposite of what Jesus teaches us about community and loving each other.

You think it's weird when someone single finds herself living with a married couple...who have children. It doesn't sit right with you. She must not have money, or she must be crazy or SOMETHING...because why would ever do that?

But what if it was nothing weird. but if it was a group of people who were just trying to live life and love each other in a way that looks like Jesus? And to them, if means letting people into their spaces and lives in a way that isn't maybe...super normal...but in a way that grows and stretches and teaches about grace and love and Jesus in away you can't get from a small group or from a Sunday sermon.

I think that so much of the sermon's that are preached are preached in a cultural context. We kind of take the Bible and find ways to apply it to our lives without disrupting the status quo, too much.

I know I'm generalizing. But church is not the only place where if you're single you feel like a weirdo. If you don't do the church thing....if you're single and not dating and hooking up like a fool....living it up as it were....it's not really awesome either.

Because we are kind of built on the idea that we need someone. I think that's true, but i think we need a whole lot of someones. Because really, even being married with out a community of people around you is impossible.

Love is beautiful. One day i hope my dad can walk me down the isle where a boy who makes me laugh and makes me smile, big teethy, dumb smiles, awaits me on the other end.

But i know that isn't the happily ever after. The happily every after the the group of people who jump into the pool and wade the waters with you. The people who grab you by the hands and say....we don't know what we're doing...but lets try and figure it out together.

let's be each other cheerleaders. Let's be each other's chosen families....let's give this whole community thing a shot.

I really think it we thought more like this it would change a lot of things. And a ton of people, married, single and somewhere in between would feel a lot less alone.

I'm single, but i don't feel alone. I love the church and i don't feel isolated by them any more than i feel isolated by the rest of pop culture. I don't necessarily need the church the talk less about marriage, and i'm not necessarily put off by those sermons. I, in general, think that we need to talk about the things that break out hearts and that push us to love each other better and create positive change in our world....but those are the things that make my heart beat.

I am just trying to live this life, in this season, in a way that honors all the people who loves me, and Jesus. I don't want to feel bad about whether i have a ring on my finger. I can love people really well...and still be happy.

Here's to the marrieds, and the singles, and the in-betweens. We need each other, we're in this together, let's not waste any more time....being...separated. Let's all get tiny houses and cook dinner together and love each other kids. Let's tell the truth and cry, and laugh, and find a place for everyone at the table, in the pew and on the bus.

This is not at all an advent post...so here are some buzz words. Jesus loves his bride which happens to be the church...made up of a lot of different kinds of jacked up people (married and single)...and we are all just trying to do the best we can while we await his return.

#andscene.

And let the wait.....begin....

Here's some things you should probably know about me. I was raised Lutheran so there is a part of me who loves the liturgy. I think there is something beautiful in tradition. A bundle of things that remain constant, that weave through generations, connecting dots to people. I just like it, there is something comforting about it.

And perhaps because of my Lutheran background. I am really in to things like Lent and Advent. Again, I think taking time to slow down, to listen, to pay attention to the whispers I've almost assuredly been missing....teaches me new things. About myself. about the world, about who Jesus is. It's always kind of hard. I always want to quit, but by the end, i've had these 40 days...(give or take a sabbath or 7) where I've really been intentional with my faith in a way that is different than just being in a small group or going to church on Sunday. As I've gotten older, I've learned to appreciate these things more because I've learned how to participate in it, in a way that is meaningful for me.

No one is holding accountable, no one is keep track,  I am on this journey alone, and i do it because it makes me remember all the good things. All the grace, and peace, and mercy, that is consistently given. It also shows me how short I fall, how much I need the aforementioned things, and reminds me of my need for Jesus.

So Advent is here. We begin the countdown to Jesus. The other thing you should probably know about me is that i'm terrible at waiting. Like...so...horribly bad. I love surprising people but can never stand the wait until they know the surprise...so I'm always 3 seconds away from ruining everything.


I like to open Christmas presents early. As a kid I would beg my parents to let me open one present early. They eventually got so tired to me asking they wrapped one present in rice and noodles so it would rattle when i shook it and told me if i could guess what was in it, i could open it.

I never guessed correctly. And, as it turns out, this has become a tradition that still stands as of 2015.

Because when the Cases find something funny they never let it go.

So, I don't like to wait.

For the last little while here (read: more than a little while) I've found myself in...neutral. Waiting for something to happen that would propel me forward....Like willing to move, but absolutely needing a team of strong people to push me forward.

It hasn't gone over all that well for anyone, especially the people who love me. Mostly because as a semi-aggressive go-getter, the whole sitting around waiting for something to happen to me instead of going and making it happen was ridiculous.

That kind of waiting is propelled by fear. Fear of failure, rejection, broken hearts, broken pieces, messed up plans. It's not good to live in fear. That fear, if you let it, takes over, and twists everything into weird things and it makes you sad. It makes a different dark kind of sad, because if you fail or fall, you might hurt for a minute but you survive and move on, no worse for the wear.

But not moving because you're afraid, will hold you forever. You can't move on because...well....you're afraid to.

It's a gross circle. I don't recommend trying it. Just jump...because you'll be okay.

My point? lately, on a much bigger level, i feel like we...as like a human race...are just waiting out of fear...for jesus to come back or to...die. We see SO much darkness...so many unanswered prayers...so much chaos...that is scares us into not doing anything....waiting around for another people to do something.

This time we have...right now? Well, we already know that Jesus came, and he's coming again..and we wait...with expectant hearts for things to be restored.

The trick is, though, we can't just wait around. We have a responsibility to participate in the restoration. Every prayer, every time we help, everything we show grace and love people well...that light pushes back the darkness. There's more light....there's more Jesus.  Now, don't get me wrong, i don't think these things will make Jesus come back faster, but seriously, when we live like we are called to, it makes a difference. It makes the world better...sometimes for a whole bunch of people, sometimes for just one person...sometimes forever...sometimes just for the next 12 hours...but it helps.

So this advent as we spend more time looking at how God fulfilled the promise of a Savior, as we await his return, let's be active in our waiting. It's super hard, especially when we don't know what to do, or how to do it....but let's just start somewhere.

Sometimes half the battle is starting.

Where am I going to start? Well, to be honest, the fact that my butt is back in a pew (literally a pew) is a start. The fact that I'm committing to write for the next 26 days....is a start. The fact that I'm going to try to have more grace with my darling high school students as we march toward Christmas break...is a start.

Where will you start?

words. words. words.

As the rain hides the stars, As the autumn mist hides the hills,
As the clouds veil the blue of the sky,
So the dark happenings of my lot
Hide the shining of your face from me.
Yet, if I may hold your hand in darkness,
It is enough, since I know that,
Though I may stumble in my going,
You do not fall.



This is literally everything.

Piece by piece

There are pieces of myself scattered around the this city.

Pieces i've picked up, and then dropped again.

Pieces, that i thought i'd never find again.

Pieces, missing.

Pieces that i've picked up, that seem new, and i'm just trying to figure out how they all go together again.

There are parts that are rounded, and I forget they don't hurt to pick up anymore, but i still pick them up carefully, waiting for the finger prick, or sting, from wounds from the people who i thought would be different.

sometimes between look for, and gathering, the scattered pieces i let doubt creep in like a cold front of confusion.

it stops me in my tracks, make me forget, circles my head like a satellite, forever orbiting my head, trying to get to my heart.

It's stalled me. It's taken away the best parts of me, and i'm trying to find them again.

those parts sparkle, they glitter when there's even a hint of sunshine.

hope.

So i follow the light out of the storm. Because they things about weather is that it's always changing. The cold doesn't stay forever.

The sun comes out again but sometimes winter is just long.

But spring is coming. It always does, and it never disappoints.

so i'll continue to collect myself like bread crumbs on the way back to myself. My reflection will look a little different, how can it not?

But the right pieces are still there and the center, anchoring me, reminding me, not letting me blow away completely when the wind threatens to scatter all my pieces again.

sometimes i just really miss being someone's favorite. 

do you grow out of that?