Well,  turns out I haven't written everyday. Who is surprised, I'm about 75%  on keeping promises lately.  Which, for me is horrible. I like to keep my word.

Although, I feel like I don't have anything to say. There is stuff cookin', it's bubbling to the surface, but much like the rest of my brain and body, my words also don't show up until they are ready.

Stubborn to the core, I am.

Anyway, what's been swirling around in my head lately is how hard life is. Seriously, it's never not hard. There are times when you have less responsibility and there are times where you have more money but you're always trying to figure it out. Whatever it is, and you're trying to do it without completely losing your shit.

Which, if i'm honest, for me is a 50/50 possibility at best.

What i'm realizing though, is the stuff that matters, is 100% the small stuff.  I think remembering friends drink orders is important. I think showing up and doing things for people even when they refuse your help, matters.  I think telling the truth, is hard.  I think its important to hold the people that mean something to you, accountable for their actions. I think sometimes telling the truth backfires and breaks your heart.

But you should do it anyway.

You shouldn't wait on apologies, they might never come.  You should offer forgiveness freely, but that's also hard, the work to get there, though, is worth it.

Seasons. They are real. I'm usually unaware a season is coming to a close, I'm usually trecking like everything is normal and everyone else is like packing up to move on, when i finally turn around to be like "guys. come on." The season has already changed, and there i am looking like big dummy and unsure how to both mourn/honor what happened and move on simultaneously.  It still struggle with it. There are chapters that keep wanting to close and i keep forcing them opening, hoping that maybe this time things will be different. Maybe this time things could be like they were. This time, things wont hurt so bad.

But the nature of seasons is that they keep coming and we go along with them for better or worse.  I'm learning to let go, which is hard. because life. right? And emotions.

I really do love my life. I love my people so much. I love my job and i love this city. I have so much to be thankful for. The gratitude is not lost on me.

i have  a lot to say...but my head is getting fuzzy. Maybe it's because i did not speak to another human begin this weekend. imma stop here...and try to think of something more eloquent to write tomorrow.

Because i have nothing to do tomorrow. I'm getting a job next summer.  this shit is for the birds.