I listen to it when I need to remember where to find God outside of Sunday mornings, and in the midst of the ever chaotic rhythms of every days life. For whatever reason this book reminds me that our big God who so often feels like just a spectator in my life is also the God of small, every day things. The every day things that I fold up in the memory and file away for safe keeping on days that feel especially fuzzy.
Today I was just reminded over and over again about connection and about sacrificial love, and how the way my life looks right now is sacred and special. And tries hard to reflect the love of Jesus. Although super, super messy and often falling so far short of anything even remotely resembling Jesus.
I've learned more in the last 3 years about being broken but strong. Being vulnerable and resilient, being honest and loving people well than I think i ever have.
I've learned that sometimes there is literally nothing you can say. Nothing. So you saddle right up to people and sit with them until they fall asleep or the hard hurts less.
Sometimes you're chopping or drinking tea at a table, but you have something to hang on to while you talk about what breaks your heart or listen and someone tells you what has broken theirs, what their dreams are that they wont say out loud to just anyone, and how you wrestle with the uncertainty of what's coming down the pike. ( or is pipe?).
or you're in the car with no where else to go, as one hears something tell you their issues with image or weight or self esteem and you try really hard to keep the tears in your eyes that you can feel the tears burning because you're sad they've ever had to feel that while being able to 100% relate.... or having them call out the honest truth about the reasons why you seem to be stuck in a rut, while you hold your seat belt because everything feels so real.
I truly believe the first act of love is listening. The second is probably eye contact. Seeing people is important.
I've learned a lot in the last three years among them include how to chop an onion, how to "tear" lettuce not chop it, how i immediately disagree when someone tells me somethings that's 100% true about myself, how important listening is (though sometimes i like to throw my 32 cents in and fill silence with words because anxiety), and that I get to spend my time with AMAZING humans. Like who just embody goodness. Seriously. I get so weepy thinking about it.
Tonight, more than ever, i've been so thankful for this life. For the people who have come along side of me, for the people with whom i share my life. For the people who share their lives with me so completely. I'm so thankful for the endless hours of laughter and chopping and cooking and learning, but also for the hard stuff, for living intentionally, to believing in the same Jesus. and for overlaps and the continuing, and for tears shed freely especially when you don't mean to expose that much of your heart.
So many people don't get to have people in their lives who make you want to be more like Jesus. People who are just good, and honest, and pure....even when they're bossy.
Tonight, i'm saying extra prayers of thanks for this life, for tables and tears and bonds tethered by life unexpected and an ever faithful Jesus. For knowing and being known.
This is a hard life, but it's a beautiful, good life. I'm holding it extra close to me tonight.
and some day i'll write something that isn't just emotional. Maybe.
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