It feels like years since it's been here......

There are rare times in your life when you have the opportunity to say exactly what you need to say to the exact people who need to hear it.

There are similar moments where you get to feel exactly what you need to feel the moment that it's happening.

Today, I sat in a room of people whom have been my people in one capacity or another. People who i've worked with, served with, prayed with. People whom I've learned to love fiercely and unconditionally.

For the first time in a long time, it felt like home. Not like a now home, but like an attic full of all the thing you keep to remember. The smells, and the sounds, all so familiar and welcomed.

The hugs from people whom you haven't seen in awhile, the hugs that feel real and some, that linger a little longer because time has made you forget just how significant this place is.

Today, i sat in a room that has raised me up, a room that has help write my story, a room where I laughed and cried and belonged.

And i remembered that if it weren't for this space and some of these people, i would not be who i am. the time spent here was not wasted. It was not in vain. It showed me so much truth, the sweet ways you want to learn about things safe and protected, and the hard way, the way that makes you feel like you can't catch your breath. The kind of way that socks you in the gut and cuts you.

I hugged people, i apologized to people, i said the kind of truth that makes your voice shaky, and your heart beat fast.

And God was present and people were the people i remembered. And the ice that i packed around my heart melted a little. I started to just feel enormous amounts of gratitude.

I'm so grateful of the the opportunity to be in this place to learn from these people, to grow, to make a lot of mistakes, and to learn from them.

To learn how to fast and pray and serve for the right reason. How to love people well. how to have boundaries, (the hard way), how to take care of yourself, (the hard way).

my heart is tender today, it's full, and it's beating hard. A little from the large amount of caffeine i've consumed (also a little weepy) but in large part to the fact that i have decided to let go of the shit that has kept me at arms length from people.  The things that have kept me from moving forward, from figuring out how to change alongside people who are also changing.  and for it to be okay.


There are lots of things i still need to work out, like currently, how to not feel like you're drifting away from people. how they're moving on at a pace you're not....or how to articulate that appropriately.

But for today, I've done a lot of things that have been a long time coming, and they weren't as scary and weird as i thought they'd be. Turns our people still love me, and sometimes it's real nice to be reminded about that.

The thing is, so often when i thought i was standing still, God was propelling me forward, for better or worse, sometimes i thrash against the current and sometimes i wouldn't.

Either way, here i sit, so thankful for this life, and the people in it, and the way that forgiveness and restoration feels.