Smiling but we're close to tears....

i have had exactly 37 coffees and almost nothing else today...so gibberish to follow, i'm sure.

Sundays are something else, man. We very much have a love/hate relationship. Sometimes they are full of people i love, waffles and coffee. History and Sunday diners and wine and laughter.

Sometimes they are reminders of the way things used to be, and struggle and life being complicated and messy.

Whatever way they decide to be, they are always full of Jesus whether i've been to church or not. He always finds me, sometimes it's sneaks up on me and blindsides me. Other times,  I'm willingly moved and convicted.

More often than not, though, it's the sneaky Jesus that gets me. That teachers me. That levels me in a way that I 100% don't understand but 1000% need.

I woke up not wanting to go to church. It's been that way for a minute. It's not anything bad, no real reason i don't want to go, I'm just too lazy.

Today i decided while i was in the shower that i should go. Making the treck to St. Paul is not a hardship. St. Paul is my girl.  i needed to get my ass in gear and get there.

And it was one of those services that gets you right in the heart. First when i walked in i saw some old Gallery people, which was...well, it was what it was. i could take it or leave it. As i looked into church further, i saw Jabs and i caught my breath a little.

And since i was there alone. I sat by him and alee. It's the first time i'd ever sat by him in a real church service, and for some reason it was super profound.  The weird thing, though is that he feels like a little bit of a stranger. Completely my fault.  Our conversation stayed fairly surface level but we both giggled about how we were pretty sure that the writers of the bible quoted the angles wrong when they said "Look, you need to get out of here" and collective giggling from an old friend is my favorite thing.

Anyway, worship made me weepy, and the message was just so good and i was just overwhelmed with gratitude for how life kind a circles on itself and Jesus is just always in the business of redemption and that's beautiful.

I also on a whim to decided to text Melissa because i was obviously feeling all the things, and it was sweet and we laughed and i told her i was sitting next to Jabs at church. All those years of trying to get  him to come with us and here he was.

What i decided today was that I am my own problem. I've been spending a lot of time feeling so much guilt and shame for losing myself and trying to fix it, when i can't, i just end up making myself crazy and sad. I really do just need to move forward and build on whats in front of me. These people, they were my people, they KNOW me, and that doesn't change. Bumps happen, falling outs happen, but really i feel like they'd have my back if i need them. And i feel like i've built up these weird walls to keep people out and away from my heart and i've been hiding for god only know what reason...but lately, the walls are coming down and  for better or worse i'm working my way back to who i am. It's just taken a while longer that I expected.

I think God needed to remind me that we are made to be in community together, that there is no point in feeling guilt and shame and you can always come back home. You can't change the past just as much as you can't plan for the future. So be where you are with what you have and just love people well.

So then i drove to Eau Claire because sometimes you need to roll around in the the places that loved you well and taught you a lot to feel like yourself. And i needed to process and drive and feel everything. The best way to do that for me is in the car headed to a place where i belong.

I unequivocally believe in belonged to places. Your stories and memories stored safely in walls and floor slats and on bar stools and in the rocks that the water hits. You become part of that place and it holds on to important memories for safe keeping.

So, Eau Claire because i fucking had to.

Then i went to see Julia because i missed her.  It was lovely and not just because she made me a drink with coconut/lavender infused syrup.  History is important, even the hard stuff, and Jesus is about restoration and we should celebrate our stories and how we're in this together.

I'm thankful for so much. For this life, even the parts of it that have kicked my ass. I've learned so much about who i am and who God is.

I needed to remember some things today.