First: I am polka dotted elephant, but you know what? Polka dotted elephants are cool a shit, so I'm cool with it. There has been some controversy surrounding this phrase....I'll make it very clear what i mean by it, below.
Second: Tonight was the first night of high school youth group at a church that i kind of currently attend. It's a big church, as compared to the Baby Gallery, and I've never lead a group of small girls in a structured youth group like this as an adult. well, ever actually, when i was in high school it looked much different. I've always kind of been allowed to do whatever I wanted with my kids....So structure kind of scares me. BUT i believe in the vision, so I'll follow someone else's lead.
I already have a gang of pretty amazing girls. To be clear, i feel like i attract a certain kind of teen ager, and I'm totally cool with that. These girls are seniors, last year they didnt' have a leader really. They called themselves the "homeless group"
Today as Jess hugged me, she said she felt like she had a home, which is funny because currently i don't feel like i have one and I'm just winging it.
So maybe that's what this year is about. Creating a space to land. a safe, sacred space where we can all just exist. There are specific things i know some of those girls need already.
Maybe that is where home is, and we have to create it ourselves. All of the misfits and the leaderless can come and just be, and i think that's kind of poetic.(You can tell I'm passionate about something when i start talking strictly literary) Jesus loves the misfit.
And i do, too, because i like that I'm quirky and sassy and real with almost everyone. I'm not there to suck up (mostly because i don't have to) I'm not there to make new best friends. I'm there to love a really specific group of young people, and I'll do it like a boss. I'm love the people I'm serving with, too, obviously, I just need to stop giving an eff if they like me.
So, i guess my mission for this year, among loving and walking and studying with these girls is to figure out what our "home" looks like and what it means.
And i think that's a pretty lofty goal, especially because I feel like, currently, Jesus and i are speaking two different languages and i have NO IDEA what I'm supposed to be doing with....pretty much anything....so...I'm feel a little confused and lost and frustrated.
and to be honest, I'm annoyed by it, but I'm also trying this new thing where I'm pretty full disclosure, and i just feel what i feel and really, everything is just an exercise in patients, and i fail miserably most of the time.
I'm not sure of steps forward to steps back ratio, but I'm fairly certain I'm inching forward in the slowest way possible.
but it's fine. i need to find the joy in it, or so i hear.....
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