i've been driving for an hour, just talking to the wind.

Sometimes, when i feel out of place, i go to a coffee shop.

I sit, i watch people. I listen to Frank Sinatra, and Ella Fitzgerald, and i drink coffee and for however long i stay here, I feel like i have a place.

The chair in the corner by the window remembers my body, the table holds my stories, and the window shines the same light it did that last time i was here.

the cute barista boy must have felt bad for me paying in quarters because that is NOT what nearly 30 year olds  do.

so he made my raspberry white mocha with a pretty little design in it. His way of saying, that not everything is ugly, and i appreciate that.

As i sit, re-reading things I wrote last fall, and not thinking they are total trash. Some how  i totally captured the buzz and love i have for fall.

Last year, the words flowed much easier. Probably because my mind was racing a mile a minute trying to silence all that was in my head, as if keeping the thoughts on like a running faucet will empty my brain of all the things i was feeling.

Well, it didn't work, but i think that's ok. i don't ever want to run out of things to say.

Cue a vibrating cell phone with a message from an old friend asking what i'm doing.

"Writing", i said. "What are you doing? "

"Driving, i could use a "case hug" ----that's how you know it's an old friend. Nobody calls me Case here, almost at all. The nicknames my friends give me, much like the rings of a tree will tell you how long they've been around.

she just happens to be the same person who hated me 12 months earlier. I never quite know what to do with her. like....ever.

So i told her my location. she came. I asked her if anything was wrong....and she said she could ask me the same.

Not really, i said, just processing all that this season means. She said the same.

and we drank coffee and chatted about our days and our futures and i almost cried asking when things will stop being so awkward and hard and when will i feel like an adult.

and she said asks the same questions and the answer is probably never.

It's never fun to have a "what's wrong with me" conversation, but if your'e going to run down that path, it's nice to do with with your old best friend. Who is still pretty gentle with you when she sees your sad eyes.

it was simple. and the awkwardness is subsiding.

And it's just how fall is, showing that missing pieces find their way back. and life is what it is, until it's something different.

and if there is one thing i'm both terrible and a rock star at, it's change.

I'm not saying much at all right now, except that St. Paul has a way for making me feel like a real girl. Like i'm just one of the regular people trying to make it through the day without falling.

So, i'll hold on to hope and pray that Jesus shows up in a way that i can feel sometimes soon.