it's a juxtaposition of thankful eyes and type of truth that makes you kind of have to catch your breath. The deep inhale of something that might be painful.
that's so like fall, though, isn't it? The beauty and the death? The chilling wind with warmth of tradition and fires.
i feel like i've gotten away from myself. the current version is good but not great. Sweet but salty, too.
My face has seen it's share of tears, but has also cried from laughter. The uncontrollable kind that makes you laugh well after the moment has past. I've been on a road of self (re)discovering. slowly morphing and changing into who i think people want me to be until it's not, then, then shedding my skin for a new one....that's thicker...and can take....more of what life throws at her.
But at some point it's exhausting to be what everyone wants.
i'm just little old me. At least, i'm working my way there. the reality of who I am wont be found in my contact list in my phone. It wont be found on twitter or my facebook page.
If you're looking for my heart, half of it is 4 hours away. Patiently waiting for me to finally figure life out so I can love them like l'm supposed to.
like i used to before my life got complicated by other people's problems. Before I wanted or needed them to accept and love me.
Guess what? they don't really love me. so i have to spend some time trying to reconcile how i spent so much time chancing after and pouring my heart into something that shattered me. And once the bough broke and everything came crashing down, they all just stared, stunned, i'm sure, that i'd run out of gas, that i was sad and so unsure of how to feel about any of it.
when all the people who truly love me were just waiting to for me to come on home.
The other half of my heart belongs here. In a handful of people who see past what i am currently and know that at my core, i'm something far more extraordinary.
I've been so afraid of rejection, i've built a facade of sass. I'm sassy because my insides are fragile and it's hurts to think about how much i've let other people hurt me without ever putting up a fight.
The people that i thought would fight for me, turned out to my as fair-weather as the changing seasons.
and here i sit, single. nearly 30, and i certainly have some battle scars. Proof that i've made it this far but changed by the experience.
Still, though, trying to figure out what's wrong with me. Why am i still single. Everyone is literally coupled up and i'm just here.
There are not boys beating down the door, wanting to take me out. Nope not one.
And i did a nice job of convincing myself that i'm ugly and gross and no boy is ever going to want to date me. I'm friends with beautiful people who are far prettier skinnier and more charming than i'll ever be.
i'm mostly scared i'll end up alone. And that's tragic. I want to believe that someday it will happen, but the odds don't seem to be in my favor.
I know i haven't been myself. It's taken years of undoing, so to get back to girl who laughs loud, does everything with her whole heart, and loves completely is going to take some time.
and i hate it, and it makes me want to cry a lot.
Fall is the season for change and for coming home. I'm sprinting down a familiar path, one that is worn form 30 years of travel, marked by the people who are a part of me. The ones who just make sense. The ones who can see through the layers to the pieces of me that are real.
it's marked by the people who remember why they fell in love with this silly, optimistic girl, who laughs when she nervous, cries about everything, and believes that life doesn't mean to break your heart. That Jesus has got us all, and that prayer, and community and life and doing it together will change the world.
i'm still that girl. i'm can feel her, especially in the fall, and i'm working my way back to her.
I'm coming home.
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