When Saturdays are a bust.

I've recently decided to start watching Ally McBeal again, because sometimes i like to relive my childhood.

Today was interesting. As I have mentioned, I have been  having all the feelings.  Mostly, I am 2 seconds away from tears.

In short. I hate hormones. If i am every pregnant, we are all doomed. ALL OF US.

Lately,  I've been trying to distinguish the difference between things being your choice but also people want you to make a specific choice.

I know its a lot of things are my choice, but sometimes it's just nice to for people to WANT you to be with them, come with them....or whatever. Like the desire for you to exist with them in a space is important that them.

Sometimes I don't always feel like that.

All the feelings. I just need to get them under control so i'm not feeling like crying every 5 mins.

I have literally done no things today. I cleaned the kitchen and thats it. So i'm  feeling like a giant waste of space today.

Side note: I relate to Ally McBeal in all ways. It's ridiculous.

Deciding whether or not to go to church tomorrow. I should, and i know it, but i'm stubborn and i don't like feeling like a tag along. My alarm is set. I'm sure i'll report back.

But there's a rita and doreen and hugging them will likely make me cry because hormone and i miss them.

I like to fancy myself an all for one and one for all kind of girl. I don't typically get jealous about friendships or anything, but sometimes....i do. and sometimes. I miss the idea of best friends.

Because it really just is a lovely concept.

Writing make me crazy. It makes me understand my head a lot better, it also makes me realize how most things sound ridiculous when i write it all out, and i'm just as crazy as everyone else.

Tinsel and lights and winter dusks.

I love the dusk of Winter. The sky is bright, as the sun goes down, oranges and pink kiss the blue, the air smells like snow, and it's quiet.

Winter is such a beautiful season, even when it's a billion degrees below zero. I always think that winter makes the world feel smaller and quieter. It's almost as if the snow tucks us in for the season and reminds us that we need each other. 

People hold doors open, push each other out of snow banks, shovel driveways, ring bells, say hello.  Cheeks are rosy, eyelashes are dusted with snow, we hold on to each other to keep from slipping on the ice....and maybe more than that.

It's finding joy in small, simple things. We laugh louder, love harder, and find compassion everywhere. 

I love it. I love the sound, and smells and the way everything twinkles.  The tinsel, and the lights and the history that oozes form everything. Who we are and where we come from is so, so apparent. 

I've been so emotional (baby) lately. I cried in the car when these people announced their pregnancy on the radio. I cried about a dog seeing it's owner come home from war. I cried about Amy Poehler getting a star on the walk of fame. I cried because of the sweet memories this season brings. 

So...as you can see, it's been a whole thing. I blame it on my period, which isn't a total cop out, but I think it's more than that. 

I've spent a lot of time being a stuck, but think in the season where everything is freezing, I'm melting. All of the ways I've tried to freeze out the things that i thought could hurt me, are the very things that reminding my heart of its rhythms again. 

My plans rarely work out, but my life has a way of always turing out okay.  My paths have never been straight or come with directions. I tend to forge ahead even when my guides are telling me otherwise. Along the way, though, I find people, and places that feel like home, even though the rings inside them would say they've just recently sprung up. 

One of the things i used to be really good is find "home" taking my Wisconsin roots and growing Minnesota branches, and i've sort of lost sight of that, but I feel my roots telling me that it's time.  

This season, these people, this career path...it's good. 

And I should let it be good. Sometimes the sweetest things come from the hardest work, and even though the getting there was hard, the arrival is sweet, and simple, and exactly what it needs to be. 

and I'm starting to really feel that. Not that i've arrived, necessarily, but that I can drop the anchor for awhile. I've got some learning and growing to do and this is where I need to do it. 

And it doesn't need to be scary, or cold. It looks like people who are rooting for you, and think you're great when you're not even trying. It's full of kids who LOVE you, and hang out around you because you've made a safe place for them.  

I'm taking the hard things, and learning from them. I'm embracing the past because it's made me more compassionate, it's shown me Jesus in ways I didn't expect, and it has taught me about what love looks like. 

In this season of expectant waiting, and a thawing heart, I am praying for the good sense to get out of God's way, to be willing to be used all sorts of ways. I'm praying that I use what I have where I am, and for that to be enough. 

I'm certainly not ready for what lies ahead, but I'm equipped to handle whatever is around the bend. 

Let the snow fall, let it create a pure heart in me, and you, and everyone this season. 

Let's hold mittened hands, and hold each other up, because the ice is slippery, and going down together hurts less, and it frequently ends in tears that come from laughing. 

Hug your families tighter, take time to smell the snow in the air, and pay attention to winter at dusk. 

Winter is here, and she is lovely. 

Also, obsessed with "oh come, oh come, Emmanuel" and "this cup" they are both just so perfect right now. listen to them when it's snowing, you won't regret it. 

That thing when you think you're over something....

I try not to be grudge holder.  I would like to be known as forgiving person. I like being a forgiving person because  it's liberating. It's breaks the holds that the past has on you.

But sometimes those things sneak up on you.  Even after you think that you're good, you reveal for yourself that that's not quite the whole story.

I don't like it. It's not a good look on me. I working my way toward being good.  I have to be able to see the good changes in a person. I have to believe in good hearts and i have to look for good, even if it's hard to find, and sometimes it is.

So far, if advent has taught me anything...in whole...5(?) days that we've been hanging out. Is that it's easy to see that things are jacked up and that people are so, so broken.

You can either be a bystander or a part of the solution. Being an active participant in making life better for yourself and other people begins with good intentions and baby steps.

I know what i kind of person i want to continue to become.

i'm going to try to write more this weekend...like something more significant and with more substance....but the end of the semester is coming so....there these might be short and pithy until christmas break.

i'm trying. I forgot what a commitment writing every day is.

I have all the feels today.

I have hate that there was another mass shooting. There have now been more mass shootings that days in 2015. That makes my heart hurt. I don't have words to even begin to formulate all i want to say on the subject.

So i'll just say this. Let's pray that changes begin to happen. Even small ones make a huge difference. I pray that as a country we start seeing PEOPLE instead of a race, or social class, or patient number. If we start giving people the opportunity to get what they need, whether it be a access to affordable health care, a decent paying job....equal rights....

I don't know we just need to stop acting like such assholes. My heart can't take it, I don't know how any one else's can. I don't care if you don't care about guns or gun control, but care about people and their ability to have access to what they need regardless of income, race or gender.


On a completely unrelated, or maybe not so unrelated note....Would it kill us to be nice and love the people we like a lot, well? Like I know I'm guilty of not always appreciating what amazing friends i have, but if well just took a moment to breath before we reacted, I think we'd all be better off.

Listen, Friendship is hard. Super hard. especially when you juggle work, and family, and husband and kids and whatever else....it's hard that's not time....but friends...they love you in a way that is different from your family. There is freedom in friendship, there is whimsy and honesty and laughter and tears.  But we need to be careful with the hearts we've been allowed to hold.

Grace people. So much Grace.

A tale told by an idiot....

Today's blog is a bit of a cluster. I have nothing prepared at the moment, nothing is weighing on me (at the moment), I'm brushing off all the things that I could interpret as hurtful and i've chosen not to care.

I still have to read today's devotion and well, the classes i have tomorrow certainly aren't going to plan themselves.

All that to say, I need to take just one hot minute to be thankful for the fact that i came home, help the world's sweetest 10 year of with his homework. I watched TV, and laughed and drank hot chocolate with some of my favorite humans and a Christmas tree.

Sometimes that all you need. To be in wrapped up in a blanket, surrounded by the things that make your heart beat for the right reasons.

What i've found is that the simple, the ordinary things in life are often the things that i remember most and have the deepest impact on me.  Often the times where i can recall exactly what a place felt like and smelled like....are regular days where the most exciting thing that happened was no one fell down.

I know we look for Jesus in the big moments, in births, and deaths, and recovery, and everything else that causes your mascara to run.  But what I like most about my life is that Jesus is ever present in the regular. In the 9th grader that comes in to my room every morning to hug me. OR how some people spiral back into your life. or the way that hot chocolate tastes...because you remember what life was like the first time you had it, and remember what it feels like to be "home."

Today, I'm thankful for the way the world feels when it's blanketed in snow. For 9th graders who make you laugh, and for friends who become family, even when it feels like sometimes they want to get rid of you....because thats truly how families are.

On being single and being in the church....

Lindsey Nobles just recently wrote a piece on being single in the Church.  I really like her, and respect her and think she has good and valuable things to say. You can find her blog, here.

I agree with a lot of what she says, but there are some things I don't think are the church's fault. I think the single stigma goes deeper. It goes the to heart of American culture.

Here are some facts: Jesus was single. The disciples were single. They spent their adult lives in community with each other, helping people, learning, and being together, which begs the question, why does everyone feel bad for the single person?

Why does it feel like everyone is married and you're not? Why does it make you feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with you because you're not seriously dating someone, or dating at all? Why does it feel like the only option is to find someone online?

I feel like the answer goes deeper than the church. It's because our culture, our society values marriage as part of a successful life.  The good job, the nice house, the whole point of having these things is to share it....presumably  a spouse.

But what if we're missing the point kinda? What if we are just supposed to share our stuff with the people we love? Married, single, somewhere in between.

Please hear me when I say that I think marriage is a beautiful thing, a gift from God. Something I hope to have in my lifetime. The idea of having a partner to hang out for always is lovely. I know marriage is hard, and it's an every day work, and it's more than just dinner parties and cute couple cards. It's bills and merging totally separate lives into one...it's a lot of work.

I'd be lying if i didn't fancy a Jesus loving boy who would kiss me on the forehead and grab my hand when i'm walking and be an amazing dad to the kids i want to have.

of course i want that. But I do want that desire to define me or consume me. Because I think we all need each other. I think single people help married people as much as the married help the singles. I think that we spent more time being in it together....it would matter less what the martial status is.

But this country? its built on this isolation, boot straps, everyone for himself thing. Which is kind of the exact opposite of what Jesus teaches us about community and loving each other.

You think it's weird when someone single finds herself living with a married couple...who have children. It doesn't sit right with you. She must not have money, or she must be crazy or SOMETHING...because why would ever do that?

But what if it was nothing weird. but if it was a group of people who were just trying to live life and love each other in a way that looks like Jesus? And to them, if means letting people into their spaces and lives in a way that isn't maybe...super normal...but in a way that grows and stretches and teaches about grace and love and Jesus in away you can't get from a small group or from a Sunday sermon.

I think that so much of the sermon's that are preached are preached in a cultural context. We kind of take the Bible and find ways to apply it to our lives without disrupting the status quo, too much.

I know I'm generalizing. But church is not the only place where if you're single you feel like a weirdo. If you don't do the church thing....if you're single and not dating and hooking up like a fool....living it up as it were....it's not really awesome either.

Because we are kind of built on the idea that we need someone. I think that's true, but i think we need a whole lot of someones. Because really, even being married with out a community of people around you is impossible.

Love is beautiful. One day i hope my dad can walk me down the isle where a boy who makes me laugh and makes me smile, big teethy, dumb smiles, awaits me on the other end.

But i know that isn't the happily ever after. The happily every after the the group of people who jump into the pool and wade the waters with you. The people who grab you by the hands and say....we don't know what we're doing...but lets try and figure it out together.

let's be each other cheerleaders. Let's be each other's chosen families....let's give this whole community thing a shot.

I really think it we thought more like this it would change a lot of things. And a ton of people, married, single and somewhere in between would feel a lot less alone.

I'm single, but i don't feel alone. I love the church and i don't feel isolated by them any more than i feel isolated by the rest of pop culture. I don't necessarily need the church the talk less about marriage, and i'm not necessarily put off by those sermons. I, in general, think that we need to talk about the things that break out hearts and that push us to love each other better and create positive change in our world....but those are the things that make my heart beat.

I am just trying to live this life, in this season, in a way that honors all the people who loves me, and Jesus. I don't want to feel bad about whether i have a ring on my finger. I can love people really well...and still be happy.

Here's to the marrieds, and the singles, and the in-betweens. We need each other, we're in this together, let's not waste any more time....being...separated. Let's all get tiny houses and cook dinner together and love each other kids. Let's tell the truth and cry, and laugh, and find a place for everyone at the table, in the pew and on the bus.

This is not at all an advent post...so here are some buzz words. Jesus loves his bride which happens to be the church...made up of a lot of different kinds of jacked up people (married and single)...and we are all just trying to do the best we can while we await his return.

#andscene.

And let the wait.....begin....

Here's some things you should probably know about me. I was raised Lutheran so there is a part of me who loves the liturgy. I think there is something beautiful in tradition. A bundle of things that remain constant, that weave through generations, connecting dots to people. I just like it, there is something comforting about it.

And perhaps because of my Lutheran background. I am really in to things like Lent and Advent. Again, I think taking time to slow down, to listen, to pay attention to the whispers I've almost assuredly been missing....teaches me new things. About myself. about the world, about who Jesus is. It's always kind of hard. I always want to quit, but by the end, i've had these 40 days...(give or take a sabbath or 7) where I've really been intentional with my faith in a way that is different than just being in a small group or going to church on Sunday. As I've gotten older, I've learned to appreciate these things more because I've learned how to participate in it, in a way that is meaningful for me.

No one is holding accountable, no one is keep track,  I am on this journey alone, and i do it because it makes me remember all the good things. All the grace, and peace, and mercy, that is consistently given. It also shows me how short I fall, how much I need the aforementioned things, and reminds me of my need for Jesus.

So Advent is here. We begin the countdown to Jesus. The other thing you should probably know about me is that i'm terrible at waiting. Like...so...horribly bad. I love surprising people but can never stand the wait until they know the surprise...so I'm always 3 seconds away from ruining everything.


I like to open Christmas presents early. As a kid I would beg my parents to let me open one present early. They eventually got so tired to me asking they wrapped one present in rice and noodles so it would rattle when i shook it and told me if i could guess what was in it, i could open it.

I never guessed correctly. And, as it turns out, this has become a tradition that still stands as of 2015.

Because when the Cases find something funny they never let it go.

So, I don't like to wait.

For the last little while here (read: more than a little while) I've found myself in...neutral. Waiting for something to happen that would propel me forward....Like willing to move, but absolutely needing a team of strong people to push me forward.

It hasn't gone over all that well for anyone, especially the people who love me. Mostly because as a semi-aggressive go-getter, the whole sitting around waiting for something to happen to me instead of going and making it happen was ridiculous.

That kind of waiting is propelled by fear. Fear of failure, rejection, broken hearts, broken pieces, messed up plans. It's not good to live in fear. That fear, if you let it, takes over, and twists everything into weird things and it makes you sad. It makes a different dark kind of sad, because if you fail or fall, you might hurt for a minute but you survive and move on, no worse for the wear.

But not moving because you're afraid, will hold you forever. You can't move on because...well....you're afraid to.

It's a gross circle. I don't recommend trying it. Just jump...because you'll be okay.

My point? lately, on a much bigger level, i feel like we...as like a human race...are just waiting out of fear...for jesus to come back or to...die. We see SO much darkness...so many unanswered prayers...so much chaos...that is scares us into not doing anything....waiting around for another people to do something.

This time we have...right now? Well, we already know that Jesus came, and he's coming again..and we wait...with expectant hearts for things to be restored.

The trick is, though, we can't just wait around. We have a responsibility to participate in the restoration. Every prayer, every time we help, everything we show grace and love people well...that light pushes back the darkness. There's more light....there's more Jesus.  Now, don't get me wrong, i don't think these things will make Jesus come back faster, but seriously, when we live like we are called to, it makes a difference. It makes the world better...sometimes for a whole bunch of people, sometimes for just one person...sometimes forever...sometimes just for the next 12 hours...but it helps.

So this advent as we spend more time looking at how God fulfilled the promise of a Savior, as we await his return, let's be active in our waiting. It's super hard, especially when we don't know what to do, or how to do it....but let's just start somewhere.

Sometimes half the battle is starting.

Where am I going to start? Well, to be honest, the fact that my butt is back in a pew (literally a pew) is a start. The fact that I'm committing to write for the next 26 days....is a start. The fact that I'm going to try to have more grace with my darling high school students as we march toward Christmas break...is a start.

Where will you start?