Today was been a day. My allergies are bad and I cried (those things are not related). 

Brained stormed a summer project with a friend. more to come. 

I get to be a Girl Friday, tomorrow. I just watched that movie today, It was adorbs. 

I'm kind of excited to run someone else's errands. I like running errands. 

i will have more to say tomorrow. Im tired and my eyes hurt. 

Also, I feel like i've been discovered. I didn't think anyone read this that knows me...but i'm beginning to think i'm wrong. 

Which is fine, but also...i verbal vomit here a lot. 

AHHH WHAT IS HAPPENING. 

Manic mondays.

Today people make me sad and are generally disappointing.

and some days i feel alone, and that's not so much fun.


And that's all i have to say about that.

Life is tough, my darling, but so are you.

Okay, I've blogged every day since i've declared that's what i'm going to do, but it's June 5th and I only have 5 entries so i would like it to be even Stevens.

And I really rock a list so here are somethings I'm super into as for 10:10 tonight.

1. Lavender Lattes
2. Tennessee Williams
3. Graphic T-shirts.
4. Say Yes To Coconut lip balm
5.  The Lumineers
6.  My new nail polish. It's OPI Retro colors in "Sailing it and Nailing it" I CANNOT EVEN.
7.  The notes app on my phone
8.  Making playlist.
9. Dresses
10. NAVY BLUE and white.
11. stripes.
12. The idea that there is an entire summer that lays a head of me.
13. the smell of fresh cut grass
14. the way it feels right after it rains and the humidity drops and it smells amazing
15. being on or near the water.
16. Eau Claire.
17. tumblr. yes. i know. SO STUPID but i cannot help it.
18. tan lines
19. flip flops
20. iced tea
21. best friends.
22. buying white converse.
23. underwear with lace tops
24. jeans. especially distressed ones.
25. Top knots even though my hair is currently to short for them
26. having matching finger and toe nails.
27. Parks and Rec.
28. Having my college girls home
29. Coffee
30. SEEING MY FAMILY SOON.

Smiling but we're close to tears....

i have had exactly 37 coffees and almost nothing else today...so gibberish to follow, i'm sure.

Sundays are something else, man. We very much have a love/hate relationship. Sometimes they are full of people i love, waffles and coffee. History and Sunday diners and wine and laughter.

Sometimes they are reminders of the way things used to be, and struggle and life being complicated and messy.

Whatever way they decide to be, they are always full of Jesus whether i've been to church or not. He always finds me, sometimes it's sneaks up on me and blindsides me. Other times,  I'm willingly moved and convicted.

More often than not, though, it's the sneaky Jesus that gets me. That teachers me. That levels me in a way that I 100% don't understand but 1000% need.

I woke up not wanting to go to church. It's been that way for a minute. It's not anything bad, no real reason i don't want to go, I'm just too lazy.

Today i decided while i was in the shower that i should go. Making the treck to St. Paul is not a hardship. St. Paul is my girl.  i needed to get my ass in gear and get there.

And it was one of those services that gets you right in the heart. First when i walked in i saw some old Gallery people, which was...well, it was what it was. i could take it or leave it. As i looked into church further, i saw Jabs and i caught my breath a little.

And since i was there alone. I sat by him and alee. It's the first time i'd ever sat by him in a real church service, and for some reason it was super profound.  The weird thing, though is that he feels like a little bit of a stranger. Completely my fault.  Our conversation stayed fairly surface level but we both giggled about how we were pretty sure that the writers of the bible quoted the angles wrong when they said "Look, you need to get out of here" and collective giggling from an old friend is my favorite thing.

Anyway, worship made me weepy, and the message was just so good and i was just overwhelmed with gratitude for how life kind a circles on itself and Jesus is just always in the business of redemption and that's beautiful.

I also on a whim to decided to text Melissa because i was obviously feeling all the things, and it was sweet and we laughed and i told her i was sitting next to Jabs at church. All those years of trying to get  him to come with us and here he was.

What i decided today was that I am my own problem. I've been spending a lot of time feeling so much guilt and shame for losing myself and trying to fix it, when i can't, i just end up making myself crazy and sad. I really do just need to move forward and build on whats in front of me. These people, they were my people, they KNOW me, and that doesn't change. Bumps happen, falling outs happen, but really i feel like they'd have my back if i need them. And i feel like i've built up these weird walls to keep people out and away from my heart and i've been hiding for god only know what reason...but lately, the walls are coming down and  for better or worse i'm working my way back to who i am. It's just taken a while longer that I expected.

I think God needed to remind me that we are made to be in community together, that there is no point in feeling guilt and shame and you can always come back home. You can't change the past just as much as you can't plan for the future. So be where you are with what you have and just love people well.

So then i drove to Eau Claire because sometimes you need to roll around in the the places that loved you well and taught you a lot to feel like yourself. And i needed to process and drive and feel everything. The best way to do that for me is in the car headed to a place where i belong.

I unequivocally believe in belonged to places. Your stories and memories stored safely in walls and floor slats and on bar stools and in the rocks that the water hits. You become part of that place and it holds on to important memories for safe keeping.

So, Eau Claire because i fucking had to.

Then i went to see Julia because i missed her.  It was lovely and not just because she made me a drink with coconut/lavender infused syrup.  History is important, even the hard stuff, and Jesus is about restoration and we should celebrate our stories and how we're in this together.

I'm thankful for so much. For this life, even the parts of it that have kicked my ass. I've learned so much about who i am and who God is.

I needed to remember some things today.

And every other cheesy cliche....

So many things, but also, I'm feeling super lazy and writing seems like a lot of work right now.

However, day four of making my bed and also I walked like a boss in heels today for the first time in a long while. 

I didn't fall once. So, basically I'm killing it. 

Today, I was at a wedding. Normally, I'm a hopelessly romantic and the entire idea of a wedding is beautiful to me. Today, not at all. Being at a wedding alone is the absolute worst. Literally everyone is currently in love and looking forward to actually saying "i do" or there are people who have been or are married remembering their wedding day and just being in love. 

ugh. Today it was annoying. So there i was with all the kids just being like...what is even happening. 

Anyway. I'm wasn't having it. Most of the time I'm just super fine with everything, i even 3rd wheel like a boss but at a wedding when everyone else has someone to slow dance with. UGH. WHAT IS MY LIFE. 

I just want a boy to take me to brunch and kiss my forehead and then my lips when he sees me for the first time in a day. A GIRL CAN DREAM. 

but honestly, how annoying is that complaining? So annoying.  I'm done. 

But also today, I walked into a Starbucks in St. Paul. A Starbucks that i've been in a billion times, and today, of all days, it reminded of a summer in Chicago. It was the strangest thing and the feeling was so strong.  I don't know if a memory blindside you out of nowhere, but it literally happens to me all the time. I love it, I love when memories hit you so hard that you can feel exactly the way you did when it was happening and the memory just sticks with you for a minute. 

I must have been 19? I  remember being downtown with Laura and Brian. It was hot (becuase summer), humid and dark. Like the sun had gone down hours ago. So it's was probably like 11? We has been just walking and talk and strolling for hours. I remember feeling so happy to be with them. To not have a plan further than "we'll see where the night takes us."  I pretty much fell in love with Chicago the first time I was ever there. It was big and busy, and so foreign from anything that sleepy Green Bay had to offer. But this trip, I remember falling in love with the Chicago that my friends knew, I fell in love with the places that Brian loved, because it was a part of Brian that I didn't get to see all the time. It was one of the first times i remember looking at all of and realizing that we were growing up. I know that probably sounds dumb, but it was a an "a-ha" moment of "hey, we're all making our ways in this world and we're all still friends." It's like that summer was starting to teach me that everything works out the way it's meant to. 

ANYWAY

Right before we hit up a hooka bar (which i demanded because i had no idea what the hell it was) we hit a Starbs on a side street in a giant building that looked like it was just made of glass. I don't remember what I ordered because i'm pretty sure I wasn't super good at ordering coffee yet because sleepy Green Bay wasn't that fancy. I do remember though, that  there was a out door patio situation. You know the kind that is basically just a sidewalk but they put some plants outside to make it look nicer and like it's supposed to be like that. Meanwhile they people who actually need to walk on the sidewalk have to walk in the street because of the aforementioned homemade patio situation. 

I remember thinking how cool it was that coffee shops stayed open late, and that people drank coffee this late at night and we were LIVING. We were navigating a big city all by our little selves, we were laughing and killin it. It was then that i decided that my heart could be in multiple places. Part of it will always be in Green Bay but the other part belonged to bigger cities and adventure and my sweet, sweet friends who were figuring it out along side me. 

And it was a beautiful feeling. I imagine it's kind of the way Carrie Bradshaw felt when she realized she loved New York. 

I think i could love New York, too. I just need to get there. 

Come sing to me babe, i'll be your dash board drummer.

I've been going to an abundance of grad parties. They are all delightful and full of the faces I miss seeing everyday.

Grad parties make me feel so much nostalgia. I remember the exact feeling of being a graduated senior. The feeling of having accomplished a lot and also feeling like i knew nothing and feeling the excitement and terror that lay before me.

Adulthood was a magical world of no rules and endless possibilities that I could not wait to get my hands on.

That summer, the summer of my senior year,  was magic. I can remember exactly how everything felt. How I held on to every moment with my friends and how i quietly panicked at night that i wasnt quite ready to be thrust out into the world. I was afraid of what would change, and if i could hack it out there in the world.

And if i could tell these 18 years anything, I would tell them to savor everything. These days are fleeting and adulting is cool, but you have the rest of your life to be an adult. Slow down, babies, enjoy this because you can't get this back.

Love your friends well. Spend time with them. Making as many memories as you can. Stay up late. Get up early, get a tan, listen to music loud, and work hard.

Love your family. They have made sure to keep you alive and they've loved you as best they could. Return the favor. Spend time with them because as much as it doesn't feel like it now, you'll miss them. You'll miss the familiarity and the comfort of home and being known and the quiet safety it brings.

I don't take it lightly that i get to know these kids and i get to walk with them through these years. I love my job. I'm so lucky.

If i know you at all, i know you've gone too far

I'm obsessed with the song "stars" by Grace Potter and the Noctunals. I don't know why.


I have decided that I want to be the kind of person who makes her bed every day.  Clean sheet day is literally something I look forward to. Turning down and climbing into a bed what is made is something that i appreciate about clean sheet day. That and wrapping myself up in the scent of clean laundry and the feel of crisp cool sheet. Especially in the summer, with the bedroom windows open, after a shower where youve just shaved your legs.  It's one of my favorite feelings.

So, I want to be a person who makes her bed everyday because it's a little like clean sheet day every day, and it makes me feel like an adult, and i'm real into that lately.

Also, as for my summer rhythm, I'm working it out. I think it's going to be along the lines of wake up, shower, breakfast, read for fun, read for school, write, spend as much time as possible outside, projects, coffee, walk/work out, run around the city and love everything and be incredibly grateful for this life i have. And, i guess the older i get, the most i realize that the things i love about life aren't things that have anything to do with money or status. They're simple and mostly free and without them life would not even be worth living. I care deeply about people and relationhips and memories and the way spring smells, and the way it feels to drive with the windows down in the summer with sun kissed skin and your favorite songs playing.

Speak of  this life. 31 has done something to me. It's made me...apathetic? no, more secure? Like I just don't worry about things like I used to. Most days I feel okay to good in my skin, and I just don't want to waste energy on being bitter or angry or hurt. I've spent too much time in the last part of my 20's feeling like a sad puppy and i'm just over it.

Today I also had the realization that when you're doing what you should be and spending time with the people who are good for you, life is better. It's still hard, and it's still exhausting, but you don't mind the work, or you do, but it's not the worst.

Taking time to just be happy is not time wasted.

Also, I've been and will continue to read books on writing for school purposes, obviously, but also because i want to spend time with good writing and good techniques. I want to know if you can teach someone to be a good writer or if you just are one by design.

So there's that. In addition, I made a bunch of kids answer the question: "what do you unequivocally believe in?" I have my own list. So...here.

1. Jesus. Obviously.
2. Having at least one pair of good jeans that make your butt look great.
3. Saying thank you
4. saying I love you.
5.  Laughter has the power to heal
6. things getting better.
7. hard work.
8. best friends
9. pinkie promises
10. the best moments in life being simple and quite and unsuspecting.

oh. what do you unequivocally believe in? I'm done rambling for now. See you tomorrow!