There are just some days when I don't have the energy to be happy for other people.

I'm so glad everything is so great, but i'm in the middle of a existential crisis, so i'll save my celebration for a later time.

i'm sorry. it's an asshole thing to say, but sometimes, it's true.

Skinny Love.

I think sunsets are just better in the Fall. They are somehow more of what sunsets should be, orange and warm and kissed with the promise of new days and 2nd chances.

Maybe sunsets are better in the Fall because Fall is really good at goodbyes. Every thing in fall is a goodbye of sorts, and saying goodbye to a day, for better or worse, it just what Fall does best.

Fall is my favorite teacher. The best, hardest, sweetest lessons learned have been in this season. Faded pictures and old letters and notes on post-its found inside worn pages of old books are reminders the weird way the life spirals on itself.

Fall asks a lot of me. It's asks me to believe to have faith thats not so easily shaken. It asks me to try, to push beyond what I think i can do....to arrive at a place yet unknown.

Let's face it, those are some hard asks, with zero promise of success. I don't like it when the odds are not in my favor.

The truth is that these asks come with lots of risks, lots of hard lessons that leave marks on me.

Back in January when I was drunk on twinkle lights and resolutions and the promise of what new years brings, i choose a word to focus on...(whatever, it's a thing i do)

I chose Grace.

I chose poorly.

Grace is hard. Grace is not something you master. It is not a word that you simply think about for the year and then are done with. You are never done learning grace, understanding grace or receiving grace...it just doesn't stop. ever.

Grace is constant. Grace is a choice. Grace looks the exact opposite of my most natural reactions.

And I have 100% failed. I'm bad at Grace.

I know better, though, what grace looks like.

Much like "praying for patience" declaring "grace" as the word of the year invites many, many opportunities to practice. Blah, blah, blah....it's beautiful but it also kind of sucks a lot.

because people are jerks.....broken. People are broken.

It's also been brought to my attention about a billion times this year that i'm also a jerk....broken.

I say things i don't mean, i throw the best pity party in all the land, I hold a grudge with the best of them, i refuse forgiveness, i talk about how people are the worst....and everyone else does, too.

I've learned the importance of the 2nd Chance. It's a beautiful concept. It's not a clean slate, it's trying again with what you've experienced.  It's completely undeserved, it's the most valuable gift.

It's a chance to do better. To do right by people and right by yourself.

Im so incredibly thankful for the 2nd chance for I am ever the stumbler, forever clumsy in my approach to love and grace and forgiveness.....the world? Yeah, probably the world...

Fall has asked me to try hard and to believe a lot this season, and in order to do that, I needed to let go of some crappy stuff, to leave it where it belongs, and take with me the lessons, and faith, and the experience that has led me here.

To this place. This in-between, but further along the continuum, this still confusing place.

It all matters, and as i sit here, watching life spiral on it's self spending my days hoping my words don't fall on deaf ears, while searching for the Jesus I know is ever present, hoping to truly feel the security in his promises, I understand what it means to practice grace a little better. If for no other reason that to understand that i fall short 100% of the time.....but love allows me to keep trying.

So, this is 31. A decade ago, I was running around with my college friends, no really knowing where life would take us, but drunk on the idea that we would always be together, in some way, no matter where our dust settled. Now, I do significantly less running, but i'm still in love with the idea that life doesn't mean to break your heart, friendships do last forever, and love wins.

And love only wins when there is grace.

So here's to fall, my favorite teacher. And to Grace for all the ways its taught me to love people better. And to an even present, ever faithful, ever grace-filled God who loves me....us....even thought we're major jerks.....broken.

Life beings again when it gets crisp in the fall.....

I don't like it when people talk about seasons. Unless, of course, you're talking about fall. then, and only then will I want to play.

The "seasons" that i hate are "seasons of life." Gross. They feel cliche and contrived and what people say when they're not sure what to say.

Stop it. Don't tell me it's just a season. Just don't say anything, if you're not sure what to say.

Ya feelin' me?

Anyway,  As I live and die by the school calendar, I find myself, once again, in a new season.  Some of it feels familiar. I have a class room about about 100 kids that i'm totally crazy about.

Some of it feels new and unbroken in.  Like coworkers who are sweet, and kind and check in on you. Ones that don't manipulate and do weird things.

I feel like this is a season of utter gratitude. I am thankful for so much right now that it feels like it will spill out all over everything every time i open my mouth.

As sit in a coffee shop where i've been for the last three hours doing "homework"....you know like grades and grading and planning and whatnot....I've become both used to being overwhelmed and exhausted and grateful for it.

I am grateful for the chance to work hard at work worth doing. I want to do well for myself, but mostly for those kids who sit in those desks and stare back at me on days when my throat hurts, and i'm tired and i'm not sure what i'm doing.

the ones who are sweet and try hard. The ones who are hurting and won't say, the ones who are struggling to fit in, the ones who are also not sure what they're doing.

i love them, all of them, even the ones that give me head ache. I get show them Jesus every day. I get to love them and encourage them....and teach them...Spanish and English...but also...how to be kind, how to be yourself and how to love Jesus.

I'm grateful for the team of humans that have kept me alive and breathing, and who have let me process, and sat with me over tea and lunch and let me cry and be confused and angry and sad and unsure.

I have to be where I am to get to where I'm going...and there are people who have walked with me and let me be where i am but have pushed me forward.

There are people who are constant cheerleaders and encouragers and believe for me when all i can see is blank space.  No map or compass i just panic and freeze. I grateful for gentle, and not so gentle guiding.

I'm grateful for a faithful God.....who i don't understand. Who I doubt and fight with, and push away....because I can be stubborn and he can be constant....even when i don't feel him or see him or hear him.

My heart feels a lot of things. It's fall, and broken, missing pieces are finding their way home. Life is starting over again, the comfort of what I know is more present that the doubt of the unknown. It looms on the horizon, but the light of goodness pushes it out of view on most days.

And people. Thank Jesus for the people.

I'm grateful for the pieces of my heart that are still a little jagged. The parts of me that are still healing. The parts that i'm making sense of and Jesus is still doing work in. The parts that are making me humble and stronger.

This season I find myself walking forward more than i'm looking back...hard things get easier, and my story gets weirder...complex....interesting....

I'm still working on the forgiveness part of some things...because it's just real hard....and it hurst to let go when you think you're right....but the lens of gratitude makes a little bit easier. Being thankful for experiences and lessons makes the angry part of you less harsh.

So, let's see where this takes us. I have no idea. I know that most days i'm on the verge of tears and tired in the best way you can be tired. I know that things that are worth it are often difficult.

and i know the best way to jump is to hold someone's hand.

And i'm listening to Christy Nockles sing "Love Can Build a Bridge" and it's just the best ever.

Stay tuned. more to come.

I've gotten used to being gone, silhouettes and unmade beds...

So, it appears, I've taken the summer off from writing. Not intentionally, really. I didn't have a computer for a month while I was transitioning from "church girl" into a teacher.

And to be honest, the transition is happening currently, as it takes me awhile to sort myself out.

The last week feel like a blur moving at a snails pace. It's been a long time since i felt like everything was flying and going SO SLOW at the exact same time. My life is actually just a pile of contradictions filled in with LOTS OF FEELS, and LOT of Laughter.

You know, the drill, or at least you should at this point. Originally, I was trying to sort of out the last week. I feel like a lot has happened and i'm trying to figure out how i feel about it all of it.

And it would be a whole thing. Instead I'm going to give you 2 lists. List one is things that I believe we should all invest in because they just make life better,  and who isn't out to live a life that's all it's cracked up to be?  And list 2 are just somethings (tv shows, music, books etc) that I'm especially into at the moment.

I like lists, I need to write more and i've literally done nothing today of any substance so I figure getting some thoughts out probably isn't the worst idea.

Where to start, where to start: How about with investments.

10 Thing everyone should invest in:

1.  Good Friends. I'm still relatively young, (ahem ...30) and I've learned a lot about what kind of people are worth keeping around. Invest in your friends, and be friends with people who invest in you. If someone doesn't ask how you're doing when you're in person....it's not worth it. You deserve to have some who is as willing to listen to you as you are to them. There are very few people who love you when things are sweet and when you're the worst version of yourself. Pay attention to the people who go the extra mile....and tell them you love them.

2. A good pair of jeans. The kind that make your butt look great and the perfect shade of worn in. I get mine from the gap. I hate jeans shopping but when you find your pair....it's like magic.

3. Books. Read people. I don't care what you read, but read. Anything and everything you can get your hands on. Read about people and history and laugh and cry. It's amazing how authors shape words that can make you think, laugh, cry and act. books can change your life. READ.

4. Education. Go to school. Find something your passionate about. Try new things. Learn to play the guitar or to to draw, or about cars or poli sic. You won't regret being educated. You'll never spend more money, that's true...but you'll never spend money a better way.

5. Dreams. Have ideas. Dream big. chase your dreams. Sky's the limit people, and it's time we start acting like it. Dreams change the world.

6. Good underwear. They should make your boobs and butt look great. I've found cute underwear that I feel great in can drastically change how i feel about my body....at least for the day.

7.  Adventures. Mostly, i think we should invest in the unknown. Say yes to things that are scary and new and hold on for the ride.

8. You Family. You only get one, make sure your time with them isn't an after thought. They deserve to be a priority.

9. Your passion. Whatever it is. Make time for it and get the things you need for it. It'll make you happy.

10. Jesus. It's worth it even though its hard and makes you want to quit a lot.

-----------

things i'm into right now.

1. Comedy of all kinds
2. Classic Literature
3. Coffee with coconut
4. Amy Poehler.
5. Hazy, lazy summer sunsets
6. School Supplies
7. Spotify Playlists....check em out because they're the rarest
8. Listening.  I really want to hear people's stories, why they are the way they are, how they hope to be, what the hope to accomplish.
9. getting back into the blogging game
10. Boys who are funny and beautiful  (chris pratt, seth meyers, jimmy fallon)
11. New England. I belong in Cap Cod or Nantucket. Like actually.
12. anchors. forever.
13. my family. some of them are batshit crazy. The rest are incredible.
14. Headbands.

What we talk about when we talk about endings....

It seems that there are a lot of endings happening lately. Finales of sorts. Ends, tied up, neatly. Doors closed, locked from the inside.

I find myself staring at the closed chapter. Wishing to reread parts while simultaneously, wanting to run as far from it as possible. The juxtaposition of  the feeling of flight and nostalgia is something i can't quite articulate.

It's like have feet firmly planted but trying to run anyway.

And it's just....Well, it makes you have ALL THE FEELINGS about it. I will try to explain:
,
(I will tell you, as a side note, that my AP English teacher would be thrilled at how often i used the words dichotomy and juxtaposition in regular conversation. That, or, she'd still think i needed to be tested for ADHD and then i would cry)

My job is ending in 3 work days. It's great because I have a new full time teaching job in the fall, and also i hate my current job. But also sad because it never quite turned out to be what i wanted it to. My ideas what were going to happen were wrong, and i feel sad about that. I also feel sad about the people whom i love a lot that i will no longer see on a daily basis.

I was dumb and wrecked a car. I feel horribly ashamed, guilty and mad about this. First of all, i know how to take care of cars, i just fucked up. Second, now people think that this is how i am with cars. third...it has left be with out car and dependent upon really good people being overly generous with theirs. To the point where, again, i feel ashamed, guilty....etc.

I got a new car (i used the term "new" as loosely as humanly possible) which is great because it an now go see my family. But now have gone into debt to the aforementioned amazing human beings to buy said car. Have i mentioned that they left me live with them and dont' ask me to pay for anything? it's stupid how generous they are.  i feel so much guilt on the regular because it.

I  bought the car form the pastor i work for...and whos daughter i'm friends with who knows i had to buy her dads car and who also knows i had to borrow money from aforementioned rock stars

I can only imagine what the world thinks. I know it shouldn't matter but, to me, in  this moment it's all i can think about. Seriously. i just want to crawl in a hole.

gross, right? I am grateful, so grateful, like it makes me weepy grateful, but i'm sure i don't appear to be grateful enough.

What's enough, really? How do you even begin to show appropriate gratitude for people to whom you owe everything? Including your first born.....that is if you find a boy to love you, marry you and have babies with you.....in the next 3 years.

Chances are low. because me.

My Kindalls are moving out of Cottage Grove.Well, they are not really my Kindalls anymore and i still haven't quite come to terms with that. We've lived that last year in a half and partial strangers. That feels a lot like that chunk of my life is over. Which is good i need it to be over. I need that strings my heart was still attached to to be cut....but i miss what was. It's like i'm looking at everyone carrying on through a 2 way mirror and they have no idea i'm watching.

I need to stop watching. My best friend from college is engaged, another will soon follow, i'm sure. I haven't seen them  in forever. I haven't tried and neither have they.

And sometimes i have to learn by natural consequences.

I have a friend who is amazing and has also just left her job. and every time anyone sees me the first thing they ask about is her. Sometimes i feel like his Girl Friday.

I'm stuck in a transition funk. I'm trying really hard for gratitude to win. For thankfulness. For the rose colored optimism to take over.

If i had Amy Poehler's voice in my head, that would help.

But today, and this week it's been hard. It's been humbling, and it's made feel embarrassed and hurt.

And while i feel like the future is bright and amazing and the ride i'm boarding is going to kick all the ass, i sometimes try really hard to hold on to what's slipping away.

So, i'm excited and scared for what's to come. But i often find that those two emotions have the exact same body reaction.

I'm so thankful but worried i didn't say thank you enough. Worried that i didn't appreciate enough the lessons and the relationships.

I'm a mess of feelings. Tomorrow will be better and i will do a better job of appreciating the sweet moments while not having to hold back tears.

Guilt and shame and inadequacy are assholes

Goodbyes.

I'm an emotional thing. I cry often and easily over a range of things, including but not limited to: the news, cheerio commercials, books, songs and I once cried in a meeting about what the term "missional outpost" meant.

It was whole thing. 

I can't remember when, though, my tears not only turned on, but decided that they would be running the show. I sometimes act like I have any say in when the tears start to roll, but gone are the days when I would force tears out when something wasn't going my way (read: only child magic). These days, my tears own me, I am at their mercy. 

This talk of tears is related to the fact that I feel like I'm in a season of transition. Lots of hellogoodbyes happening all together at once. The tears these days are sad and sweet and they are shed to the dreamy folky playlist that is playing in my head (and on spotify playlist). I'm currently obsessed with "wildflowers" by Tom Petty. Right now I think it's beautiful and perfect. And summer goodbyes, are met with promise and anticipation, so everything feels wild and hazy. Like wheat fields at sunset. 

I've been really lucky in my short life, I haven't had to say goodbye to that many things and people of significance. Which explains why goodbyes feel big and important all the time. I think its important to do goodbyes well. They should be sweet and thoughtful and a mark that something important happened. I like closure, and tucking memories away for later. Even the ones that sting. Remembering is important, too.

I think the first time I felt the sting of goodbye, was before I went to college. Saying goodbye to high school was no big deal, my friends and i were on to bigger and better things. Saying goodbye to those people and that summer was probably the first time i ever felt how truly bittersweet life could be. 

The summer after my senior year of high school was one of the sweetest times in my life. My friends and I worked dumb jobs for little money during the day and them spent every waking moment outside of that together. We played tennis for hours, we star gazed, we went to graduation parties, listen to the beatles and queen blasting form our first cars as we drove around aimlessly.  We watched old SNL's and drank cherry coke until we were blue in the face. We;d stay up all night playing board games and eating bread bowls from perkins. (just the bread bowl, no salad obviously). We talked and laughed and made sweet, sweet memories that made us feel like we were in a movie. Everything was perfect. 

The night before we all went our separate ways, we all had dinner at a fancy Italian restaurant, called Angelinas.  Invitations were sent, fancy dress was required, and a table was reserved for me and my 10 best friends. We were test driving adulthood like bosses. Our friend Maggie had arrived and placed a perfect, thoughtful present at each of our seats, and our other friend katie made us mixed cd's to take with us. (sidenote: i still have that cd). 

We ate great food, the spent a long time laughing and remembering and savoring the time we had left. It's also one of my first experiences where the table and what happened there were deeply significant. 

After dinner, we all traded our fancy clothes and adulthood for ripped jeans and flip flops and high tailed it to our favorite spot in town....the fountains outside an 150 year old hotel. We laughed and splashed and took so many pictures, and finally, we'd reached our curfew and we all had to go home. Back in the Bay we had to be home on time because nothing good happens after midnight (so sayeth the lord, and my father). We piled in our cars and turned the music up loud and drove away from what was into what would be. 

We'd spend the next couple of days saying goodbye to each other as we all left at different times. The day I left, I went to my best friend Laura's house and said goodbye to her, her brother and her parents. I hugged her goodbye, which was weird because normally we were not huggers. I hugged her tight and for a long time. Then, I got in the car and drove off with my parents.... 

I hadn't felt sad until right then. I suddenly felt the weight of goodbye. As I headed west literally into the  sunset with my parents in the front seat and all my junk in the back  i knew that this goodbye was important, and significant, and then the tears came. 

I cried from gratitude, for the sweet friends I  had. For the tribe of people who made the teenage years suck less, the people with whom i had inside jokes and long talk about our futures. These peoples' names were written in the early rings of my heart. My first safe place to land.  

I cried because there is something sad about growing up. I was leaving parts of myself behind, shedding old skin, to put on new. Saying goodbye to the old normal to embrace a new one. Suddenly i was my parents daughter, but also an adult, and my entire life was head of me. 

My first goodbyes are hazy and sepia toned full of the promise of life ahead of us and the longing to always be together, like we were that summer. 

As i write this, i'm listing to "America" by Simon and Gfunk, and everything about this song reminds of me what the summer of being 18 felt like. 

This fist goodbye lead to some of the sweetest hellos and heartbreaking farewells i will ever know, i am so grateful for the way we loved each other that summer and for the ways we held each other together in the years that followed. 

We're all over the place now. We are writers, and teachers, and social workers, engineers, among other things.Some of us are married and some of us are still trying to figure it out. We've mostly lost touch, excpet of a few, but they were my first people and knew me when I was young and nervous  but especially....

they knew me in the days when i didn't cry. 

I want to be best friends with these people. please?

I've been thinking about what kinds of weird things make me,  a whole, real person and here's what i've come up with....

I love worn in jeans, and loose fitting tshirts. Flip flops and messy buns. I rock that casual life like a boss. I love funny, smart, quick people who don't take themselves too seriously.  I like reading all things from blogs to news articles to novels. Memoirs is my favorite things ever.

I have a tumblr, but i dont' really do much with it. I like audio books, navy blue and anchors. and stripes

I like happy endings, purple flowers, lavender and using honey as a sweetener. I like cucumbers and watermelon with salt and raspberries (without salt).

I love board games, making lists and dreaming big dreams. I love remembering, and my family. and having friends who feel like family.

I'm obsessed with SNL. I would do pretty much anything to be in the same room as Tina Fey and Amy Poehler. I love chicago. and i'm in love Nashville and Tennessee.

I wish i could live in stars hallow and be lorelai glimore. I love iced tea.

I'm horrible at accessories but i love them. I love sundress, especially ones that twirl, but i'd almost always rather be in leggings and flip flops. I love makeup but i'm terrible at applying it.

I feel strongly and passionately one way or the other about pretty much everything except what i want to do with my life.

I love acoustic music, good lyrics and pretty much everything that makes me cry.

If i love you, it's a roller-coaster. if i don't, it's ice cold.

there are somethings. not all, that are less weird than i think they are but have my name all over it.

i need a creative outlet....so maybe i'll start writing something more of substance in the coming weeks.