Do you remember?

there are not words for the amount of joy this photo brings me. I would like to groundhog this day forever. and ever. amen.

I had a big plan on writing about remembering. Especially since today i drove past the first house i lived in here

I looked exactly the same. But being there, outside of it, felt so different. Like it was a life time ago and now we were prefect strangers.

I was going to write about the time that i was sitting on my bed and lisa was standing in my doorway and we were both crying but i don't remember why, but i remember the feeling of that moment.

or how this year was hard and it looked and felt different than last year because picking up broken pieces and putting back together looks different but i'm not sure why.

Or how i emote unhappiness, though  not intentionally, to everyone and how when that happens, it actually has an effect on other people and it makes them feel bad. and then that makes me feel bad.

Or how, i've recently learned that you should never bake from a box. ever. never ever.

or that i put massive amounts of pressure on myself to be different. instead of asking the quesiton...what can i do better. how can i make it better....but i don't want to have those conversations because i don't like crying and i don't like being frustrated and i want someone to just tell me that they love me....

i just shoot in the dark...and hope for the best...and look for signs that Jesus is even remotely interested in my life.

Instead, tonight, i'll look at this picture and remember how it felt and smelled and how i will hold this day so close to my heart for such a long time.

And i'll go to bed with the intention of doing better and remember that i love the people in my life with moxie and my whole stupid heart.

and when i let me heart lead me, i'll always be okay.

I didn't know...

I never expect that walking into a situation will change my life. I only hope that at the end, my once upon a time will be worth telling.

I can't remember the exact place or time when we awkwardly (i'm sure, because...well,...i'm me, and well, you're an introvert) said our first hello. I don't remember the circumstances or the people. I only remember that once there was no you....and now there is.  I can't even remember when or why our paths crossed. 

Turns out, life happens in the most ordinary moments. However we got to here was delicately woven together by a God who knows what's up. A God who knows how to love in ways we didn't know we needed. I mean it's funny to think that there was a time when I didn't have a million things to tell you. That at one point, I was just a friend of a friend.

I'm sure it's weird to hold something so commonplace so close to your heart, but you, and this house are sacred places. Soft places to land....though sometimes....the runway is absolutely made of sandpaper. But iron sharpens iron and thankfully, you keep me in check.

You are a gem. Thank you for loving me the way you do. It makes me crazy. It makes me cry happy tears and mad tears. It makes me feel loved and grateful and like Jesus has my back.

Thank you for loving the best music and knowing the words to every song ever. Thank you for being the strongest woman i know and doing it with such a gentle vulnerably. Thank you for sharing every aspect of your life. The funny ones, the sweet ones but especially the messy ones. For letting me be bossy at you sometimes and for sitting through 4 season of Gilmore girls. For loving a rowdy group of teen agers with me.

Thank you for watching the same movie with me 100 times. Telling me which writer, bloggers, and pastors to follow. Thank you for loving 90's on 9, and painting your nails, and being one of the funniest people i know. And for being sassier than i could ever hope to be. For showing me what it looks like to be a good mother and wife and human. (even if it's a what not to do situation)

Thank you for letting me try to catch up to you, though my attempts are in vain. 10 years is suddenly not a large gap to close.  I don't think you'll ever know how much i love that we are basically different sides to the same coin. Similar, almost disgustingly so, but different enough to keep things interesting.

Thank you for staying up late and going through boxes and boxes of memories. It's one of my favorite, sweetest memories. Sometimes when you think you have people all figured out they go ahead and throw you a curve ball.

You are beautifully complicated. Your story is one of my favorites. You ooze goodness and I cannot tell you how proud it makes me to know that i get to know you. i get to spend time with you. Because you have a strange way of making everything feel okay. I have seen Jesus in you in more ways than i can count. From your humility, to the way you love people, to the way you forgive....it's something i aspire to be like. you make me want to be more like Jesus.

 I believe that you're changing the world in big ways. That your reflect the kingdom....even when you're not trying.

I know that life goes on and one day we might be the people that see each other once every few months. (though, i doubt it because i like to borrow your stuff) I know that we could absolutely survive without each other....and maybe that's a mark of a great friendship....but....i don't want to.

i don't like the idea of a world that doesn't include your sass on the other side of a text. Your bambi eyes when i'm sad and your weepy prayer voice.

It all feels like home. I hate the trenches. I get tired of digging sometimes, and i dont like being dirty. But it's easier to do when you're digging along side me. We are an amazing team. (minus the occasional fight that makes one or both of us cry)

You are absolutely a part of me....not like....you're in my bones...because...ugh. gross...but like....we are kindred. Our Jesus lovin souls are special....cute little puzzle pieces that are a part of telling a much larger story about Jesus, and who he is....and what can happen if you let walls down, and let people love you.

You, ya fool, are such a special thing. Your compassion, and heart, are a rarity (not the my little pony) and they are something to be celebrated. You are something to be celebrated.

Thank you for being my soul sister. and for making life sweeter, infusing more joy and for giving me a place at your table.

I didn't know when we met on a random day in a non memorable location that you would change me.  But you did. And here we are.

One day i'll have babies. and they'll love you like i do. and they'll never know what its like to not have a Lisa. and that is beautiful. 

Coffee rings and memories..

My insides feel twisty.
Anxiously waiting for
something...

The bottom,
the truth
a sad goodbye

What makes anyone stick around
for anyone
Life-even well lived-
is hard knocks
scraped knees
and bruises
from who knows where

Your reflection speaks volumes
singing silent songs to you
about what you lack

Somehow your missing pieces
are found in someone else reflections
puzzle, mosaics.
jagged edges, corners
all fit together
over cups of coffee
tears cried,

riding on the backs of laughter
and tears, celebrations and crisis
are memories
that weave a playlist
a tattered scrapbook
a ever moving reel
of memories
ever rosed colored

Incapable of being told
by just one voice.
You can't have harmony
with a just a melody

you can't have a play without
players

you can't have a we without
a you and a me.

let's weave a tapestry
of a beautiful life
even the broken parts
because  even scares
mean your survived.

Through it -together-
the world will know
what love got to
do with it.

Bits and Bobs....

I leave pieces of myself....everywhere.

There are pieces of my laughter in the air, and my heart in everyone I hug. My dreams and fears sit on handles of coffee cups, on tables and on the foot of every places I've walked.

If you look hard enough, my sparkle can be found floating through the wind. Whispering my secrets, until finally settling somewhere to germinate into something I'll always be looking for.

Maybe that's why, I feel like there's always something missing.

I've been thinking a lot about everything lately. And how i should have tried harder to be happy, because most of the time, I am. I'm not necessarily great at navigating the sharp turns on my current stretch of road.

I immediately worry if I have been grateful or thankful enough. And if  my "I said I would do it, so i'm going to." is really a negative characteristic.

Have gone about everything wrong? If there is anything that is consuming it the idea that I was so consumed with myself that i did not love the people around me well.

And tonight, I'm sitting in Starbucks. Drinking Oprah Chai. I hate Oprah, but chai is what i buy with the last three dollars i have until tomorrow.

I used to live in coffee shops. My bags and coats and scarves smelled of the french roast i had too many cups of. Stains on my shirts were reminders of the excitement or surprise i had experienced that day. Planners held post its of big dreams and small tasks. Reminders of things to be done...people to meet with....

Starbucks with Julia. Long talks. Homework. A safe place. a sacred place. Vanilla lattes and white mochas tell the story of our 4 year adventures. And  Sam. vanilla bean frap no whip. Head phones, the glass menagerie  and a playlist of musicals, to go along with whatever paper we were trying to write.

Coffee News. Brad. Rita.Coffee, curry, french fries.
Coffee News had the best french fries.

 laundry lists of laughter and teas and dreams and plans. Coffee News has closed its doors, as have we....on the chapters of our stories that overlapped. My happiest, saddest, most profound moments have happened over coffee and a favorite human on the other side.

So much of myself, through osmosis, or love, or whatever, has broken off and become part of them...Turns out, though, the pieces of me that I offered up so freely weren't necessarily anything they wanted to keep.

Coffee News. has closed. French Meadow has opened. All things new. Rita and I were just there....sitting in the spot where so much of our lives were lived over the last four years. The juxtaposition of nostalgia and new beginnings sat in the air as we talked about life.

This January has been a turning point.2015 feels different. Currently, it feels stressful as I figure out how to get a new car, a better job, and how to not be a life suck on the people who try to love me.

I can't help but think about why things happen. Why, when i've never ever been dumb about cars, have i ruined one leaving me with nothing.

I can't help but think that's its the universes way helping us move one. I need a car that's my own, a car not connected with reminders. It's the universes way of giving us all a clean slate, getting rid of pieces of ourselves that are gagged that are better off being scattered somewhere we'll never run into them again.

As of late, i've been kind of afraid to scatter myself because it feel scary and lonely and sometimes Jesus feels far away.

and why i process things my words and heart just seem to hover in the air bound to no destination,

So,  by the time I hit "publish" i will have sent the first piece of my heart into the universe, in hopes that my pieces will scatter and bounce and shimmer in the air and whisper in the wind the way they did before. .

I've been toying with all sorts of ideas on how to write an end of the year post.

But  I haven't come up with anything good, and, to be honest, the end of  year snuck up on me.

2014 has been...well, it's been. It's been filled with really cool, really hard, really life shaping things...and i'm grateful for all it but I'm not entirely sad to see it go.

This year was humbling to say the least, but also, character building.

I'm an anxious little thing when it comes to....everything..... life and plans and the future, and there's not a damn thing i can do about what's to come.

I can plan, i can do everything right but it honestly could be gone in an instant. The plan could not work out.

and that's okay.  (I say that, but even now, i'm having difficultly truly believing that)

I feel an overwhelming sense of gratitude for my friends. the real ones. The ones that literally are the fucking best when i've been the absolute worst.

The ones who let me weep on their shoulders, and are still on the other side of the door when i slam it. The ones who are so selfless,  the ones who say nice things to me and hug me and laugh with me.

Those ones? yeah...i'm a lucky one because those don't come around too often.

Those friends are the ones you root for. The ones who you're insanely protective of, and loyal to. The ones you check in on, buy them presents when their kids have had lice and strep and people are the worst. the ones you make tea for when their sick. the ones you sit down with once a month and are just so thankful that you get to be at the table with these women.

I really like it when people never stop being sparkly. like the more time you spend with them the more you see how amazing they are, even if they get on your nerves sometimes. and the moments of gratitude for them out number the annoyances.

And it's funny to know that these specific people have had such a huge hand in shaping me for the better, in the most intense, beautiful way....and i'm so, so, so, thankful.

This is my prayer in the desert....when all that's with in me feels dry.....

It's a funny feeling for Jesus to feel so far away form me, but to believe in the depths of my soul that he is working, i just can't see it. 

why can't i get unstuck? And why is it all so sad. 

Do you ever get scared that your life will to amount to exactly zero things?

i do. All the time.