Bits and Bobs....

I leave pieces of myself....everywhere.

There are pieces of my laughter in the air, and my heart in everyone I hug. My dreams and fears sit on handles of coffee cups, on tables and on the foot of every places I've walked.

If you look hard enough, my sparkle can be found floating through the wind. Whispering my secrets, until finally settling somewhere to germinate into something I'll always be looking for.

Maybe that's why, I feel like there's always something missing.

I've been thinking a lot about everything lately. And how i should have tried harder to be happy, because most of the time, I am. I'm not necessarily great at navigating the sharp turns on my current stretch of road.

I immediately worry if I have been grateful or thankful enough. And if  my "I said I would do it, so i'm going to." is really a negative characteristic.

Have gone about everything wrong? If there is anything that is consuming it the idea that I was so consumed with myself that i did not love the people around me well.

And tonight, I'm sitting in Starbucks. Drinking Oprah Chai. I hate Oprah, but chai is what i buy with the last three dollars i have until tomorrow.

I used to live in coffee shops. My bags and coats and scarves smelled of the french roast i had too many cups of. Stains on my shirts were reminders of the excitement or surprise i had experienced that day. Planners held post its of big dreams and small tasks. Reminders of things to be done...people to meet with....

Starbucks with Julia. Long talks. Homework. A safe place. a sacred place. Vanilla lattes and white mochas tell the story of our 4 year adventures. And  Sam. vanilla bean frap no whip. Head phones, the glass menagerie  and a playlist of musicals, to go along with whatever paper we were trying to write.

Coffee News. Brad. Rita.Coffee, curry, french fries.
Coffee News had the best french fries.

 laundry lists of laughter and teas and dreams and plans. Coffee News has closed its doors, as have we....on the chapters of our stories that overlapped. My happiest, saddest, most profound moments have happened over coffee and a favorite human on the other side.

So much of myself, through osmosis, or love, or whatever, has broken off and become part of them...Turns out, though, the pieces of me that I offered up so freely weren't necessarily anything they wanted to keep.

Coffee News. has closed. French Meadow has opened. All things new. Rita and I were just there....sitting in the spot where so much of our lives were lived over the last four years. The juxtaposition of nostalgia and new beginnings sat in the air as we talked about life.

This January has been a turning point.2015 feels different. Currently, it feels stressful as I figure out how to get a new car, a better job, and how to not be a life suck on the people who try to love me.

I can't help but think about why things happen. Why, when i've never ever been dumb about cars, have i ruined one leaving me with nothing.

I can't help but think that's its the universes way helping us move one. I need a car that's my own, a car not connected with reminders. It's the universes way of giving us all a clean slate, getting rid of pieces of ourselves that are gagged that are better off being scattered somewhere we'll never run into them again.

As of late, i've been kind of afraid to scatter myself because it feel scary and lonely and sometimes Jesus feels far away.

and why i process things my words and heart just seem to hover in the air bound to no destination,

So,  by the time I hit "publish" i will have sent the first piece of my heart into the universe, in hopes that my pieces will scatter and bounce and shimmer in the air and whisper in the wind the way they did before. .