And let the wait.....begin....

Here's some things you should probably know about me. I was raised Lutheran so there is a part of me who loves the liturgy. I think there is something beautiful in tradition. A bundle of things that remain constant, that weave through generations, connecting dots to people. I just like it, there is something comforting about it.

And perhaps because of my Lutheran background. I am really in to things like Lent and Advent. Again, I think taking time to slow down, to listen, to pay attention to the whispers I've almost assuredly been missing....teaches me new things. About myself. about the world, about who Jesus is. It's always kind of hard. I always want to quit, but by the end, i've had these 40 days...(give or take a sabbath or 7) where I've really been intentional with my faith in a way that is different than just being in a small group or going to church on Sunday. As I've gotten older, I've learned to appreciate these things more because I've learned how to participate in it, in a way that is meaningful for me.

No one is holding accountable, no one is keep track,  I am on this journey alone, and i do it because it makes me remember all the good things. All the grace, and peace, and mercy, that is consistently given. It also shows me how short I fall, how much I need the aforementioned things, and reminds me of my need for Jesus.

So Advent is here. We begin the countdown to Jesus. The other thing you should probably know about me is that i'm terrible at waiting. Like...so...horribly bad. I love surprising people but can never stand the wait until they know the surprise...so I'm always 3 seconds away from ruining everything.


I like to open Christmas presents early. As a kid I would beg my parents to let me open one present early. They eventually got so tired to me asking they wrapped one present in rice and noodles so it would rattle when i shook it and told me if i could guess what was in it, i could open it.

I never guessed correctly. And, as it turns out, this has become a tradition that still stands as of 2015.

Because when the Cases find something funny they never let it go.

So, I don't like to wait.

For the last little while here (read: more than a little while) I've found myself in...neutral. Waiting for something to happen that would propel me forward....Like willing to move, but absolutely needing a team of strong people to push me forward.

It hasn't gone over all that well for anyone, especially the people who love me. Mostly because as a semi-aggressive go-getter, the whole sitting around waiting for something to happen to me instead of going and making it happen was ridiculous.

That kind of waiting is propelled by fear. Fear of failure, rejection, broken hearts, broken pieces, messed up plans. It's not good to live in fear. That fear, if you let it, takes over, and twists everything into weird things and it makes you sad. It makes a different dark kind of sad, because if you fail or fall, you might hurt for a minute but you survive and move on, no worse for the wear.

But not moving because you're afraid, will hold you forever. You can't move on because...well....you're afraid to.

It's a gross circle. I don't recommend trying it. Just jump...because you'll be okay.

My point? lately, on a much bigger level, i feel like we...as like a human race...are just waiting out of fear...for jesus to come back or to...die. We see SO much darkness...so many unanswered prayers...so much chaos...that is scares us into not doing anything....waiting around for another people to do something.

This time we have...right now? Well, we already know that Jesus came, and he's coming again..and we wait...with expectant hearts for things to be restored.

The trick is, though, we can't just wait around. We have a responsibility to participate in the restoration. Every prayer, every time we help, everything we show grace and love people well...that light pushes back the darkness. There's more light....there's more Jesus.  Now, don't get me wrong, i don't think these things will make Jesus come back faster, but seriously, when we live like we are called to, it makes a difference. It makes the world better...sometimes for a whole bunch of people, sometimes for just one person...sometimes forever...sometimes just for the next 12 hours...but it helps.

So this advent as we spend more time looking at how God fulfilled the promise of a Savior, as we await his return, let's be active in our waiting. It's super hard, especially when we don't know what to do, or how to do it....but let's just start somewhere.

Sometimes half the battle is starting.

Where am I going to start? Well, to be honest, the fact that my butt is back in a pew (literally a pew) is a start. The fact that I'm committing to write for the next 26 days....is a start. The fact that I'm going to try to have more grace with my darling high school students as we march toward Christmas break...is a start.

Where will you start?

words. words. words.

As the rain hides the stars, As the autumn mist hides the hills,
As the clouds veil the blue of the sky,
So the dark happenings of my lot
Hide the shining of your face from me.
Yet, if I may hold your hand in darkness,
It is enough, since I know that,
Though I may stumble in my going,
You do not fall.



This is literally everything.

Piece by piece

There are pieces of myself scattered around the this city.

Pieces i've picked up, and then dropped again.

Pieces, that i thought i'd never find again.

Pieces, missing.

Pieces that i've picked up, that seem new, and i'm just trying to figure out how they all go together again.

There are parts that are rounded, and I forget they don't hurt to pick up anymore, but i still pick them up carefully, waiting for the finger prick, or sting, from wounds from the people who i thought would be different.

sometimes between look for, and gathering, the scattered pieces i let doubt creep in like a cold front of confusion.

it stops me in my tracks, make me forget, circles my head like a satellite, forever orbiting my head, trying to get to my heart.

It's stalled me. It's taken away the best parts of me, and i'm trying to find them again.

those parts sparkle, they glitter when there's even a hint of sunshine.

hope.

So i follow the light out of the storm. Because they things about weather is that it's always changing. The cold doesn't stay forever.

The sun comes out again but sometimes winter is just long.

But spring is coming. It always does, and it never disappoints.

so i'll continue to collect myself like bread crumbs on the way back to myself. My reflection will look a little different, how can it not?

But the right pieces are still there and the center, anchoring me, reminding me, not letting me blow away completely when the wind threatens to scatter all my pieces again.

sometimes i just really miss being someone's favorite. 

do you grow out of that? 

There are just some days when I don't have the energy to be happy for other people.

I'm so glad everything is so great, but i'm in the middle of a existential crisis, so i'll save my celebration for a later time.

i'm sorry. it's an asshole thing to say, but sometimes, it's true.

Skinny Love.

I think sunsets are just better in the Fall. They are somehow more of what sunsets should be, orange and warm and kissed with the promise of new days and 2nd chances.

Maybe sunsets are better in the Fall because Fall is really good at goodbyes. Every thing in fall is a goodbye of sorts, and saying goodbye to a day, for better or worse, it just what Fall does best.

Fall is my favorite teacher. The best, hardest, sweetest lessons learned have been in this season. Faded pictures and old letters and notes on post-its found inside worn pages of old books are reminders the weird way the life spirals on itself.

Fall asks a lot of me. It's asks me to believe to have faith thats not so easily shaken. It asks me to try, to push beyond what I think i can do....to arrive at a place yet unknown.

Let's face it, those are some hard asks, with zero promise of success. I don't like it when the odds are not in my favor.

The truth is that these asks come with lots of risks, lots of hard lessons that leave marks on me.

Back in January when I was drunk on twinkle lights and resolutions and the promise of what new years brings, i choose a word to focus on...(whatever, it's a thing i do)

I chose Grace.

I chose poorly.

Grace is hard. Grace is not something you master. It is not a word that you simply think about for the year and then are done with. You are never done learning grace, understanding grace or receiving grace...it just doesn't stop. ever.

Grace is constant. Grace is a choice. Grace looks the exact opposite of my most natural reactions.

And I have 100% failed. I'm bad at Grace.

I know better, though, what grace looks like.

Much like "praying for patience" declaring "grace" as the word of the year invites many, many opportunities to practice. Blah, blah, blah....it's beautiful but it also kind of sucks a lot.

because people are jerks.....broken. People are broken.

It's also been brought to my attention about a billion times this year that i'm also a jerk....broken.

I say things i don't mean, i throw the best pity party in all the land, I hold a grudge with the best of them, i refuse forgiveness, i talk about how people are the worst....and everyone else does, too.

I've learned the importance of the 2nd Chance. It's a beautiful concept. It's not a clean slate, it's trying again with what you've experienced.  It's completely undeserved, it's the most valuable gift.

It's a chance to do better. To do right by people and right by yourself.

Im so incredibly thankful for the 2nd chance for I am ever the stumbler, forever clumsy in my approach to love and grace and forgiveness.....the world? Yeah, probably the world...

Fall has asked me to try hard and to believe a lot this season, and in order to do that, I needed to let go of some crappy stuff, to leave it where it belongs, and take with me the lessons, and faith, and the experience that has led me here.

To this place. This in-between, but further along the continuum, this still confusing place.

It all matters, and as i sit here, watching life spiral on it's self spending my days hoping my words don't fall on deaf ears, while searching for the Jesus I know is ever present, hoping to truly feel the security in his promises, I understand what it means to practice grace a little better. If for no other reason that to understand that i fall short 100% of the time.....but love allows me to keep trying.

So, this is 31. A decade ago, I was running around with my college friends, no really knowing where life would take us, but drunk on the idea that we would always be together, in some way, no matter where our dust settled. Now, I do significantly less running, but i'm still in love with the idea that life doesn't mean to break your heart, friendships do last forever, and love wins.

And love only wins when there is grace.

So here's to fall, my favorite teacher. And to Grace for all the ways its taught me to love people better. And to an even present, ever faithful, ever grace-filled God who loves me....us....even thought we're major jerks.....broken.

Life beings again when it gets crisp in the fall.....

I don't like it when people talk about seasons. Unless, of course, you're talking about fall. then, and only then will I want to play.

The "seasons" that i hate are "seasons of life." Gross. They feel cliche and contrived and what people say when they're not sure what to say.

Stop it. Don't tell me it's just a season. Just don't say anything, if you're not sure what to say.

Ya feelin' me?

Anyway,  As I live and die by the school calendar, I find myself, once again, in a new season.  Some of it feels familiar. I have a class room about about 100 kids that i'm totally crazy about.

Some of it feels new and unbroken in.  Like coworkers who are sweet, and kind and check in on you. Ones that don't manipulate and do weird things.

I feel like this is a season of utter gratitude. I am thankful for so much right now that it feels like it will spill out all over everything every time i open my mouth.

As sit in a coffee shop where i've been for the last three hours doing "homework"....you know like grades and grading and planning and whatnot....I've become both used to being overwhelmed and exhausted and grateful for it.

I am grateful for the chance to work hard at work worth doing. I want to do well for myself, but mostly for those kids who sit in those desks and stare back at me on days when my throat hurts, and i'm tired and i'm not sure what i'm doing.

the ones who are sweet and try hard. The ones who are hurting and won't say, the ones who are struggling to fit in, the ones who are also not sure what they're doing.

i love them, all of them, even the ones that give me head ache. I get show them Jesus every day. I get to love them and encourage them....and teach them...Spanish and English...but also...how to be kind, how to be yourself and how to love Jesus.

I'm grateful for the team of humans that have kept me alive and breathing, and who have let me process, and sat with me over tea and lunch and let me cry and be confused and angry and sad and unsure.

I have to be where I am to get to where I'm going...and there are people who have walked with me and let me be where i am but have pushed me forward.

There are people who are constant cheerleaders and encouragers and believe for me when all i can see is blank space.  No map or compass i just panic and freeze. I grateful for gentle, and not so gentle guiding.

I'm grateful for a faithful God.....who i don't understand. Who I doubt and fight with, and push away....because I can be stubborn and he can be constant....even when i don't feel him or see him or hear him.

My heart feels a lot of things. It's fall, and broken, missing pieces are finding their way home. Life is starting over again, the comfort of what I know is more present that the doubt of the unknown. It looms on the horizon, but the light of goodness pushes it out of view on most days.

And people. Thank Jesus for the people.

I'm grateful for the pieces of my heart that are still a little jagged. The parts of me that are still healing. The parts that i'm making sense of and Jesus is still doing work in. The parts that are making me humble and stronger.

This season I find myself walking forward more than i'm looking back...hard things get easier, and my story gets weirder...complex....interesting....

I'm still working on the forgiveness part of some things...because it's just real hard....and it hurst to let go when you think you're right....but the lens of gratitude makes a little bit easier. Being thankful for experiences and lessons makes the angry part of you less harsh.

So, let's see where this takes us. I have no idea. I know that most days i'm on the verge of tears and tired in the best way you can be tired. I know that things that are worth it are often difficult.

and i know the best way to jump is to hold someone's hand.

And i'm listening to Christy Nockles sing "Love Can Build a Bridge" and it's just the best ever.

Stay tuned. more to come.